How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

Summary

This video explores the subtle difference between genuine charisma and people-pleasing behaviors. It highlights three key signs of people-pleasing: mismatched words and internal thoughts, covert contracts, and inconsistent behavior across different social groups. The video offers practical advice on how to regain authenticity by reconnecting with your inner voice, expressing yourself honestly, and being consistent in your personality traits. By doing so, viewers can enhance their charisma without resorting to manipulation or pleasing others, fostering more genuine and confident interactions.

Takeaways

• 😀 Genuine charisma comes from being authentic, not from trying to please others.
• 😀 People-pleasing leads to a mismatch between your words and inner voice, making you appear inauthentic.
• 😀 Suppressing your internal voice to avoid conflict destroys your self-assurance and charisma.
• 😀 Covert contracts, where you do favors with the expectation of receiving something in return, undermine authenticity.
• 😀 Resentment builds when you perform kind actions without expressing your true expectations, which can damage your relationships.
• 😀 Your behavior should be consistent across different groups of people, regardless of their status or relationship to you.
• 😀 Inconsistent behavior (like acting differently around a boss or someone attractive) signals people-pleasing, not genuine charisma.
• 😀 To stop people-pleasing, reconnect with your internal voice and be honest with yourself about your needs.
• 😀 Express your needs and boundaries clearly, without fear of rejection or conflict.
• 😀 Focus on being the same person in every situation—consistency in personality is key to genuine charisma.
• 😀 True charisma comes from enjoying the present moment with others, not from trying to gain something from them.

Q & A

What is the key difference between people-pleasing and genuine charisma?

People-pleasing is about seeking approval and avoiding conflict, often at the expense of one's own needs, while genuine charisma involves being authentic, self-assured, and confident without trying to manipulate situations for approval.

How can you identify if you're people-pleasing in your interactions?

You can identify people-pleasing by noticing a mismatch between what you say and what you feel, doing things for others with the expectation of something in return, and showing different behaviors based on the group you're with.

Why is a mismatch between what you say and what you feel a sign of people-pleasing?

This mismatch happens when you suppress your true feelings to please others, which can create internal conflict and diminish your self-assuredness and conviction, key traits of charisma.

What are covert contracts in people-pleasing, and why are they problematic?

Covert contracts occur when you do something nice for someone but expect something in return without clearly stating it. This leads to inauthenticity and can create resentment if your expectations aren’t met.

How does behavioral inconsistency across different groups signal people-pleasing?

When your behavior shifts dramatically depending on who is in the room—such as becoming more energetic or engaging only with certain people—it suggests you are trying to please them rather than being your authentic self.

What does it mean to ‘reconnect with your internal voice’ to avoid people-pleasing?

Reconnecting with your internal voice means being honest with yourself about what you truly want and need, without suppressing your feelings to avoid conflict or seek approval from others.

How can asking yourself the question 'If I knew this person would handle it beautifully, what would I do?' help with people-pleasing?

This question helps you be more honest and assertive in setting boundaries. It encourages you to act on your own needs without fearing negative consequences, knowing that the other person will handle it well.

What is the ‘third option’ in dealing with people-pleasing situations?

The third option is finding a balanced solution that respects both your needs and the other person’s. Instead of giving in to everything or completely refusing, you can set boundaries or propose an alternative that works for both sides.

Why is consistency in your behavior across different groups important for genuine charisma?

Consistency in behavior shows you are not trying to gain approval or manipulate others. Being authentically yourself, regardless of the group, builds trust and enhances your charisma.

What is the relationship between self-assuredness, authenticity, and charisma?

Self-assuredness and authenticity are key components of charisma. When you are true to yourself and confident in your actions, people are naturally drawn to you, as opposed to people-pleasing, which lacks conviction and authenticity.