What Does It Mean to Be a "Real Man" today? | Brad Jacobs | TEDxMarin

Summary

This heartfelt reflection by a man approaching 60 explores the complexities of masculinity, vulnerability, and emotional growth. He shares personal experiences of childhood bullying, toxic masculinity, and the impact of cultural expectations on men. Through self-inquiry and martial arts, he learned to confront his emotional triggers, develop healthier responses, and embrace both strength and vulnerability. He encourages men to engage in introspection, seek purpose, serve others, and find supportive communities to cultivate authenticity and emotional intelligence in their later years.

Takeaways

• 😀 Masculinity is complex: On the outside, men may appear confident and easygoing, but on the inside, they can be grappling with vulnerabilities and insecurities.
• 😀 Childhood experiences can leave lasting emotional imprints: Bullying and negative experiences in youth, like being teased, can influence behaviors and self-perception well into adulthood.
• 😀 The concept of 'shadow parts': Carl Jung's theory that repressed emotions and traumas can resurface unconsciously, influencing behavior and reactions.
• 😀 Toxic masculinity can stem from insecurity: Men who feel insecure about their masculinity may overcompensate by embracing extreme behaviors, such as dominance or homophobia.
• 😀 Aging brings vulnerability: As men age, they face physical and emotional changes that challenge traditional views of masculinity, often leading to feelings of inadequacy or depression.
• 😀 Redefining masculinity involves embracing vulnerability: It's possible to be both strong and emotionally intelligent, courageous and loving, breaking the rigid boundaries of conventional masculinity.
• 😀 Personal growth requires confronting unconscious behaviors: The speaker shares how his own emotional triggers and responses, such as anger, were linked to unresolved issues from childhood.
• 😀 Self-reflection is essential for emotional growth: Engaging in self-inquiry and seeking honest feedback from others can help men identify and address the emotional patterns that hold them back.
• 😀 Service to others provides purpose: Helping others and engaging in meaningful acts of service can foster a sense of relevance, purpose, and connection.
• 😀 Building a community is crucial for growth: Finding a supportive community that aligns with your values can hold you accountable and help you become the best version of yourself.

Q & A

What is the speaker's personal experience with bullying and how has it affected him?

The speaker was bullied as a 12-year-old at a new school, where he was repeatedly called names like 'fat ass'. This experience has left a lasting impact on him, causing him to unconsciously wear his shirt untucked as a way to cover his perceived flaws, such as his body shape. The trauma from this bullying continued to affect him emotionally and behaviorally throughout his life.

What does Carl Jung's concept of the 'shadow' refer to, and how does it relate to the speaker's experience?

Carl Jung’s 'shadow' refers to the unconscious parts of ourselves that we repress because they are unpleasant or don’t fit the idealized image we have of ourselves. The speaker reflects on how his repressed feelings and beliefs, especially around masculinity and vulnerability, have manifested in unconscious behaviors, affecting how he interacts with others and how he perceives himself.

How does the speaker relate aging to masculinity?

The speaker views aging as an existential threat to traditional masculinity, which often emphasizes strength and invulnerability. As men age, they face physical vulnerabilities that challenge their sense of masculinity, leading some to overcompensate through risky behaviors or denial, which can result in depression or toxic masculinity.

What does the 'male overcompensation thesis' suggest about insecure masculinity?

The 'male overcompensation thesis', as discussed by Rob Willer, suggests that men who feel insecure about their masculinity may react by adopting extreme masculine behaviors, such as dominance, homophobia, or beliefs in male superiority. This overcompensation is a way to reassert their masculinity in the face of perceived threats like aging.

How does the speaker define healthy masculinity?

Healthy masculinity, according to the speaker, is a balanced approach that embraces both traditional masculine traits like courage and strength, alongside emotional intelligence, vulnerability, empathy, and affection. The speaker argues that these qualities are not mutually exclusive and that a 'both-and' mindset allows men to be both strong and emotionally attuned.

What was the speaker's relationship with his father, and how did it influence his own behavior as a parent?

The speaker was raised in a home where his father used anger and strict discipline, and this influenced the speaker’s own parenting style. As an adult, he found himself reacting with anger and being overly strict with his daughter, escalating to emotionally abusive behaviors. He acknowledges that this was a manifestation of toxic masculinity, and he was unaware of it until his partner confronted him.

How did the speaker begin to recognize and address his emotionally abusive behavior?

The wake-up call for the speaker came when his partner called him out for his emotionally abusive behavior towards their daughter. It took two years of hard work and self-reflection for him to become aware of his emotional triggers and to change his behavior. He used martial arts as a tool for emotional release and self-regulation.

What role does martial arts play in the speaker's emotional growth?

Martial arts became a key part of the speaker’s emotional growth by providing an outlet to channel his anger and other unhealthy emotions. It also helped him develop greater mind-body awareness, allowing him to notice physical signs of emotional triggers (like a tightening throat) and create a pause before reacting. This practice helped him separate his emotions from his reactions.

What are the four strategies the speaker recommends for living with grace and skill?

The four strategies the speaker recommends are: 1) Conducting a 360-degree review by seeking honest feedback from others and doing self-inquiry. 2) Engaging in service to help others and find purpose. 3) Finding purpose and meaning by reflecting on personal values. 4) Finding a community that supports your growth and aligns with your values.

What does the speaker mean by 'individuation' and how does it relate to personal growth?

Individuation is a concept from Carl Jung that refers to the process of integrating different parts of the self, especially the repressed or unconscious parts. The speaker suggests that individuation is a key path to personal growth, where men can reconcile conflicting aspects of their identity, such as strength and vulnerability, and move towards a more authentic and balanced version of themselves.