Finding balance in bipolar | Ellen Forney | TEDxSeattle

Summary

This deeply personal narrative follows the speaker’s journey through mental illness, particularly bipolar disorder, and the challenges of balancing creativity with self-care. The story reflects on their initial tattoo as a rite of passage, followed by a life-changing diagnosis of bipolar disorder. The speaker navigates the highs of mania, the depths of depression, and the complex path toward stabilization. Through medication, therapy, and self-discovery, they develop a system for mental health management, embodied in the acronym SMED Mertz. Ultimately, the speaker embraces stability, showing that self-care and balance are not only possible but integral to personal growth.

Takeaways

• 😀 The narrator got their first tattoo on their back just before their 30th birthday, describing it as a powerful and transformative experience that felt like a rite of passage.
• 😀 After the tattoo, the narrator was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder, which was a shocking realization despite initially resisting the diagnosis.
• 😀 The narrator's manic episode lasted for five months, marked by impulsive behavior, high energy, and erratic actions, such as seducing people and dressing up for hours.
• 😀 Following the mania, the narrator entered a deep depression, which lasted a year and a half. They felt trapped in a dark, muddy emotional state with little hope of escape.
• 😀 Lithium was prescribed to manage the narrator’s bipolar disorder, but it came with numerous side effects, including memory issues, weight gain, and skin problems, adding complexity to the emotional struggle.
• 😀 During their depression, the narrator found solace in memoirs by Kay Jamison and William Styron, which helped them feel less alone in their mental health journey.
• 😀 The narrator continued to create art throughout their depression, even though they didn’t consider it creative at the time. The art helped them externalize their inner demons and emotions.
• 😀 Despite the emotional and physical challenges, the narrator stabilized after several years and learned to balance their condition with various forms of treatment, including therapy, medication, and support from loved ones.
• 😀 The narrator eventually developed a personal system called SMED Mertz to help maintain stability, focusing on sleep, medication, diet, exercise, therapy, routine, coping tools, and support systems.
• 😀 After 17 years of stability, the narrator reflects on the past and feels proud of how far they've come, realizing that living a balanced life is ultimately what feels authentic to them.
• 😀 The narrator emphasizes that mental health care is a process involving flexibility and adjustments. Stability doesn’t mean perfection, but rather maintaining a healthy balance despite life's challenges.

Q & A

What was the significance of the narrator's tattoo experience?

The tattoo experience was a symbolic rite of passage for the narrator, representing a personal transformation. It was intense, cathartic, and marked the beginning of a new chapter in their life, filled with powerful emotions and a sense of being ‘badass’ and ‘beautiful.’

How did the narrator initially react to being diagnosed with bipolar disorder?

Initially, the narrator was in disbelief about the diagnosis and resisted the idea of being medicated. They were concerned about losing their artistic identity and feared that medication might dull their creativity, as they had witnessed in others.

What was the narrator's perspective on being a 'crazy artist'?

The narrator was intrigued by the idea of being a 'crazy artist,' romanticizing the notion, but also terrified of what it meant to be 'medicated crazy.' The idea of being on medication conflicted with their image of themselves as an independent, rebellious artist.

What role did memoirs like Kay Jameson’s and William Styron's play in the narrator's journey?

The memoirs provided solace and companionship during the narrator’s darkest times. They showed that others had experienced similar struggles with mental illness, and that it was possible to maintain creativity while managing mental health, even while on medication.

How did the narrator's experience with depression influence their art?

During their depression, the narrator continued to draw, though they did not consider their work creative. They used art as a way to externalize and make visible the internal demons and feelings of dread, anxiety, and hopelessness they experienced.

What is the significance of the narrator's system, SMED Mertz?

SMED Mertz is a personal system developed by the narrator to maintain stability and take care of their mental health. It emphasizes sleep, medication, nutrition, therapy, exercise, routine, coping tools, and support systems, and serves as a reminder of the interconnectedness of these factors.

What does the narrator mean by 'stability doesn't mean unchanging'?

The narrator highlights that stability in mental health involves balance, not a rigid, unchanging state. Life is full of challenges, and one must remain flexible to adapt to changing circumstances, such as stressors or setbacks.

What lesson did the narrator learn about their identity through the experience of mental illness?

The narrator learned that despite fears of losing their sense of self to their mental illness, a stable and balanced life ultimately felt like a truer version of themselves. They realized that they could still be an artist and maintain their identity while managing their mental health.

How did the narrator’s experience with medication evolve over time?

Initially resistant to medication, the narrator gradually accepted it as part of managing their bipolar disorder. Over time, they went through trial and error with various medications, ultimately finding a more stable routine that allowed them to function effectively.

What does the narrator's tattoo represent now, and why is it important to them?

The narrator's tattoo now represents a monumental turning point in their life—a physical manifestation of the overwhelming and transformative experience of dealing with mental illness. Despite its challenges, it symbolizes growth, resilience, and the wisdom gained through overcoming hardship.