Heal Chaos and Overwhelm: DECLUTTER Every Part of Your Life
Summary
TLDRThe video script delves into the complex relationship between clutter and mental health, challenging the notion that clutter is solely a cause of issues like anxiety and depression. It presents a hypothesis that clutter might be a symptom of trauma, not the cause, and discusses how trauma can lead to compulsive behaviors and difficulty in managing one's environment. The speaker shares personal experiences and offers practical advice on decluttering as a form of healing and self-regulation. The script touches on various types of clutter—physical, mental, emotional, relationship, and time—and emphasizes the importance of creating space for growth and new experiences. It concludes with a recommendation for a daily practice technique to help manage the emotional challenges that arise during the decluttering process.
Takeaways
- 🧐 Clutter is associated with higher rates of anxiety, depression, social isolation, and ADHD-like symptoms, but it may not be the direct cause of these issues.
- 💭 The speaker proposes that clutter could be a symptom of trauma, not the cause, and that trauma affects neurological and behavioral patterns, leading to compulsive behaviors like cluttering.
- 🌟 Cluttering behavior is compared to an amplified version of normal nesting behavior, which is a natural instinct that can be distorted by trauma into an overwhelming and unproductive pattern.
- 🔄 The act of decluttering can be a powerful re-regulation exercise that can improve mood and focus, with benefits extending to better organization and potentially improved financial management.
- 🚫 Hoarding is distinguished from cluttering, with the former involving a lack of power and potential distortions in thinking about the importance of items.
- 💪 Starting to heal trauma doesn't always require addressing the root cause; starting with any symptoms where one feels empowered to take action can be effective.
- 🧹 Physical clutter refers to unnecessary belongings that create a chaotic environment and make it difficult to find needed items, which can be addressed by sorting and storing items properly.
- 🛍️ The tendency to hold onto items out of fear of future need or due to a history of scarcity can lead to clutter, but recognizing the current abundance can facilitate letting go of unneeded items.
- 👕 Dealing with sentimental items or clothes that no longer fit can involve donating or discarding them, which can be a form of emotional release and a step towards healing.
- 🚗 Physical clutter can also extend to items like non-functional cars, which can be a source of shame and represent unresolved issues from the past.
- 🗓️ Time clutter involves overcommitting to activities and not leaving enough unscheduled time for rest, creativity, or addressing personal needs, which can lead to burnout and decreased productivity.
Q & A
What is the relationship between clutter and mental health issues as discussed in the transcript?
-The transcript suggests that clutter is associated with higher rates of anxiety, depression, social isolation, and ADHD-like symptoms. However, it challenges the notion that clutter is the direct cause of these issues, proposing instead that clutter might be a symptom of trauma alongside other mental health problems.
How does trauma affect a person's behavior and what is the hypothesis regarding clutter in this context?
-Trauma affects people neurologically, impacting their brain, physiology, feelings, and behavior patterns. The hypothesis presented is that clutter is a trauma-driven behavior, potentially a compulsive response to stress or a manifestation of immobilization and unproductiveness caused by trauma.
What is the concept of 'nesting behavior' as it relates to cluttering?
-Nesting behavior refers to the natural and normal instinct to set up one's home space to be comfortable, warm, and orderly. Cluttering is proposed as a trauma-driven, amplified version of nesting behavior, where the instinct to create a comfortable space becomes excessive and leads to accumulation of unnecessary items.
Why might decluttering be a challenge for individuals with trauma?
-Decluttering can be difficult for individuals with trauma because it requires inner power and motivation, which trauma can diminish. The process of decluttering can also bring up feelings of overwhelm and dysregulation, making it hard to take action and organize or clean up one's space.
What are some practical steps suggested for dealing with physical clutter?
-The transcript suggests starting with small, manageable tasks like cleaning out old vegetables in the fridge or organizing papers. It also recommends donating, selling, or disposing of items that are no longer needed or used, and using productivity methods to tackle larger tasks like repairing and selling a broken bike.
How does the concept of 'inner power' play a role in the ability to declutter?
-Inner power is described as the motivation and ability to take action. It is suggested that individuals need to find and activate this inner power to overcome feelings of overwhelm and to effectively declutter their spaces. This power also helps in managing emotions, focusing the mind, and feeling more open to new experiences.
What is the connection between childhood trauma and clutter?
-The transcript suggests that individuals who have experienced childhood trauma often struggle with clutter not just in their physical spaces but also in their minds and relationships. This clutter can manifest as excessive thoughts, emotional reactions, and unnecessary relationships that hinder their ability to heal and move forward.
What are the different types of clutter mentioned in the transcript?
-The transcript discusses physical clutter (belongings), mental clutter (thoughts and ideas), emotional clutter (feelings and beliefs), relationship clutter (unhealthy relationships), and time clutter (overbooking and lack of prioritization).
How does the speaker suggest dealing with emotional clutter?
-The speaker suggests recognizing and letting go of old resentments, beliefs, and stories that no longer serve the individual. This includes addressing unhealthy social media habits, seeking out useful and uplifting information, and challenging self-limiting beliefs.
What is the significance of addressing relationship clutter?
-Addressing relationship clutter involves removing people from one's life who do not contribute positively, making space for those who inspire and support the individual. This process is important for creating an environment conducive to healing and personal growth.
Why is time clutter a concern and how can it be managed?
-Time clutter is a concern because it leads to overcommitment and a lack of time for self-care, healing, and personal development. It can be managed by learning to say no, setting boundaries, and creating unscheduled time for relaxation, reflection, and inspiration.
What is the 'daily practice techniques' course mentioned in the transcript and how can it help with decluttering?
-The 'daily practice techniques' is a free online course that teaches methods to help individuals process and release emotional friction and trauma-driven feelings. It can assist in maintaining a steady and sustained decluttering process by providing tools to handle the emotional challenges that arise during decluttering.
Outlines
🔄 Reassessing the Impact of Clutter
This section challenges the conventional belief that clutter directly causes mental health issues like anxiety and depression. Instead, it proposes that both clutter and these symptoms could be manifestations of underlying trauma. The speaker suggests that trauma leads to compulsive behaviors and neurologic changes, which may manifest as clutter. This 'cluttering behavior' is seen as an exaggerated form of nesting, driven by trauma, pushing natural instincts to an unhealthy extreme. The concept is introduced that addressing any symptom, including clutter, could be a starting point in the healing process.
📦 Expanding the Definition of Clutter
Clutter is further defined in various forms beyond physical items, extending into emotional, mental, and relational aspects. Emotional clutter includes misplaced and prolonged emotions, mental clutter pertains to disorganized thoughts, and relational clutter refers to the presence of unnecessary or harmful relationships. Time clutter, another form, involves poor prioritization leading to an overwhelming schedule. The discussion includes how handling these forms of clutter can improve symptoms of childhood PTSD and bring peace and order into one's life.
🛠 Practical Approaches to Decluttering
This segment delves into practical methods for decluttering, emphasizing the emotional and financial aspects of letting go of unused items. It explores scenarios such as selling items, like bicycles, and the psychological barriers to disposing of them. The narrative covers the difficulty in parting with items accumulated due to past scarcities, such as food, and suggests donating as a viable solution. The segment concludes with an encouragement to prioritize decluttering as a step towards personal empowerment and better mental health.
🧼 Overcoming Emotional Hoarding
Here, the focus shifts to the emotional and psychological implications of hoarding, particularly related to makeup and clothing. The speaker reflects on her journey of letting go of old, sentimental items that no longer serve her, illustrating how decluttering can also be a metaphor for moving on from past identities and traumas. This section touches on the therapeutic benefits of eliminating what no longer serves us, suggesting that decluttering our physical space can lead to mental clarity and emotional release.
🧠 Tackling Mental and Emotional Clutter
The discussion centers on the challenges of mental and emotional clutter, which includes harboring outdated beliefs and resentments that cloud judgment and emotional well-being. The speaker highlights the importance of recognizing and releasing these burdens as essential steps in healing from trauma. Techniques like daily practice for mental decluttering, prioritization, and use of tools like to-do lists and calendars are emphasized as strategies to manage and overcome the overwhelming influx of thoughts and emotions.
🌱 Cultivating a Clutter-Free Environment
This segment explores the broader implications of clutter in relationships and time management, suggesting that decluttering can lead to a healthier, more focused life. It encourages a proactive approach to reducing relational and schedule clutter, thereby fostering environments that promote safety, comfort, and productivity. The narrative also touches on the benefits of meditation and quiet time for introspection and recovery, advocating for a balanced life that allows for personal growth and healing.
🔗 Breaking Free from Emotional and Practical Clutter
The final section reinforces the idea that clutter, in all its forms, acts as a barrier to life's opportunities and stresses the importance of decluttering as a transformative process. The speaker encourages tackling clutter not just physically but also mentally and emotionally, suggesting that clearing space can lead to new possibilities and a fuller, more engaged life. The conclusion emphasizes the need for tools to handle the emotions and challenges that arise from decluttering, offering resources like online courses to assist in the process.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Clutter
💡Trauma
💡Neurological Dysregulation
💡Nesting Behavior
💡Hoarding
💡Emotional Clutter
💡Mental Clutter
💡Relationship Clutter
💡Time Clutter
💡Inner Power
💡Decluttering
Highlights
Studies suggest a correlation between home clutter and increased rates of anxiety, depression, social isolation, and ADHD-like symptoms.
Contrary to assumptions, clutter may not be the direct cause of these issues but rather a symptom of underlying trauma.
Trauma can affect people neurologically, influencing behavior patterns, feelings, and potentially leading to compulsive hoarding.
Cluttering behavior is proposed as a trauma-driven version of the natural nesting instinct, amplified to a point of dysfunction.
Decluttering can be a powerful exercise for re-regulation, with benefits extending to improved focus and mood.
Healing from trauma may not always require addressing the root cause first; starting with symptoms where one feels empowered can be effective.
Hoarding is distinguished from cluttering, with the former involving a lack of power and potential distortions in thinking.
Physical clutter, such as unused belongings, can cause visual chaos and hinder the ability to find necessary items.
Mental clutter, including excessive thoughts and stress, can impede focus and the ability to make decisions.
Emotional clutter can arise from unresolved feelings and reactions that are no longer relevant or beneficial.
Relationship clutter involves maintaining connections with people who no longer serve a positive purpose in one's life.
Time clutter is characterized by overcommitment and a lack of unscheduled time for self-care and personal growth.
Decluttering physical spaces can lead to a sense of peace and possibility, which can enhance inner power.
The act of giving away or donating items can be a healthy way to let go of clutter and contribute to the well-being of others.
Decluttering can be a gradual process, starting with small steps and building up to more significant changes over time.
Inner power is a key component in overcoming clutter, and it can be developed and accessed through various techniques and practices.
Daily practice techniques are recommended for managing and releasing emotional friction that arises during the decluttering process.
The ultimate goal of decluttering is to create space for growth, healing, and the entry of positive experiences into one's life.
Transcripts
studies show that people with a lot of
clutter around their homes have a higher
than average rate of anxiety depression
social isolation and ADHD like symptoms
but here's what bugs me about these
studies they assume that all these
symptoms are caused by clutter and
therefore if you clean up the Clutter
you won't be depressed and stuck anymore
you'll be happier more focused more
connected to other people and honestly
there's some truth to this but that
doesn't mean that clutter is the main
cause of those problems I'm going to put
a bold hypothesis out here and that's
that clutter is just one more symptom of
trauma alongside depression anxiety
isolation and so on but it's not the
direct cause of those symptoms now we
know that trauma affects people
neurologically and that means your brain
your physiology your feelings and your
behavior patterns now trauma can make
people compulsive it can fill your
thinking with stressful thoughts it can
make you feel immobilized and
unproductive
it does something to your neurology that
is quite often expressed as cluttering
behaviors accumulating stuff that you
don't need and piling it up around your
living space or working space
intending to get organized at some point
in the future but not having the inner
power to do that
and I think cluttering behavior is a
trauma-driven version of Something
normal and natural that we call nesting
behavior and nesting that's setting up
your home space making it comfortable
and warm and orderly and well stocked
which is a good and natural instinct
but like all good instincts trauma can
push this one over the line into
something over the top and that's what
cluttering is that good Instinct at an
amplified level that makes it not good
that is caused by and causes a feeling
of overwhelm and inability to get
organized or to take action by cleaning
up your stuff
so you have too much food and some of it
is rotting or too many jackets or giant
stacks of papers you've been meaning to
go through or you can't find your
toolbox because you left it lying around
and then other stuff got piled up on top
of it that kind of thing so that's what
I mean when I say I have my own
hypothesis and it kind of goes against
the research because while researchers
assume that the symptoms that go along
with clutter are the cause of clutter I
believe that clutter is more like a
fellow symptom trauma causes all of them
depression anxiety lack of mental focus
and clutter does that feel true to you
well wherever it comes from I think
these symptoms interact with each other
and that's why when you're healing
trauma I don't believe that you have to
always start with the root cause of the
trauma you can start anywhere in your
symptoms where you feel enough inner
power to take some action so are you
ready to throw out the old vegetables in
the fridge and clean out those icky
drawers that's a great place to start Do
you have a a couple of hours available
to organize all your unsorted papers
into separate stacks of you know trash
file and do something about that's also
a great idea and you know what both of
those actions would almost certainly
lift your mood and improve your ability
to focus
decluttering is a powerful re-regulation
exercise with very good fringe benefits
of like your bills get paid but in my
experience you're always going to need
to be healing your dysregulation
symptoms to even find that inner power
to do any decluttering at all because
that's the problem right you know you
should declutter but you have a lack of
power to do it not doing it makes all
the other problems in your life a little
worse now hoarding is like a separate
thing and it's harder to change and I'm
not really talking about that here today
but in that one it's it's uh not only is
there a lack of power but there can also
be a distortion in the thinking that it
needs to be done it just seems like know
everything as it is is terribly
important so I'm distinguishing clutter
is like no you agree it's a problem I
wish I didn't have all this stuff piled
up I can't find my keys so you agree
it's a problem it's a lack of power
so getting that inner power moving and
accessing it that's how you're going to
be able to declutter and with that power
moving activated in you you'll also find
that your your emotions get lighter your
mind is more focused you feel calmer and
you feel more open to new experiences
and letting people into your life I mean
have you ever had that it kind of goes
together
clutter is a huge problem for a lot of
people who had childhood trauma
and it's not just the physical space and
belongings that could be called clutter
right people with cptsd also experience
mental clutter too much on your mind all
in a jumble can't focus or read
situations because it's like a you know
the bag of cats in there and then
there's emotional clutter where your
feelings are popping up everywhere some
of them from so long ago you didn't even
know where they're coming from but you
have a debilitating reaction to them
that's totally getting in your way and
there's also relationship clutter where
the people are in your life they're a
mix of people who are good to have in
your life and people who maybe should
not be in your life anymore and finally
there's time clutter where you're
overbooked you're not prioritizing
you're getting swept away in things that
feel urgent and ignoring things that are
actually important and I'm going to talk
about all of these because they're all
common with childhood PTSD and they can
all improve when you have the power to
change even one of them
when you learn to detect and heal
neurological dysregulation that's caused
by trauma this in turn causes so many
other trauma symptoms
including the ones that trigger your
tendency to stay cluttered whether it's
your calendar your file cabinet you know
the floor of your car whatever having
space and order I mean doesn't that
sound good when you can practice
noticing your neurological dysregulation
which is a common trauma symptom and
learning to master re-regulation the
Clutter of all kinds starts to settle
down and there's a wonderful appealing
feeling of peace and possibility that
can come into your life and that's
another source where that well where
your inner power comes from it begins to
fill up because there's peace there's
visual space around you and there's time
so let's start with physical clutter I'm
talking about belongings just strewn
around your physical space in your house
in your yard in your car in the place
where you work and it's visually chaotic
it's full of things that you don't
actually use or need and that makes it
hard to find what you do need like do
you keep huge boxes or racks of multiple
sizes of clothes in case you lose weight
or gain weight even though the clothes
that don't fit now are old and out of
style and do the clothes that fit you
right now have a good place to live in a
closet with enough hangers or enough
drawer space where clothes are clean and
ready to wear right am I nailing you
about something this multiple sizes of
clothes is totally a thing with people
who struggle with their weight
that you never really know like what
size you know sometimes it'll come down
for a while it goes back up and that's
one of the beautiful things when order
comes into your life around food you
know and it's it can be a long time
coming it goes this is the thing that
goes along with trauma quite a lot like
sort of clutter of the food clutter of
of what you choose to eat and what you
have available to yourself but then that
has this effect on clothes and it can
mean lots of boxes and cramming in
closets and then a weird like whole like
segments of your closet that are sort of
Shame portions clothes you can't get
into and what you can do with clothes
that don't fit right now is you can put
them away it's okay to put them away but
put them in a way in a you know a stored
fashion and not just piled up everywhere
and trying to figure it out and every
time you try something that's the wrong
size you feel bad about yourself like
why do that to yourself do you pick
things up at thrift stores or left on
the street like where I live in Berkeley
that's customary like even in fancy
neighborhoods when people have something
that still has you use they put it out
on the street and so yesterday or the
day before I was taking a walk and
somebody had put out a bunch of they put
out like a plastic thing with different
silverware there must have been 30
knives 30 Forks like the whole thing and
actually a year ago we were really short
we we have a lot of like big potlucks
and things and we were short on having
enough silverware and so I bought some I
got some at like Costco it was cheap we
have abundant silverware but it's like
this leftover feeling like we don't have
enough I picked it up off the street and
I'm holding it because I have adult sons
right I'm like well maybe you know maybe
as they go out on their own they're
gonna need silverware I don't know but
my husband's like you did it again you
did it again
I grew up very poor and we often didn't
have enough and it's really hard for me
to walk past stuff that's on the street
being given away for free without
thinking I don't need this right now but
I could and what if I did and I should
have this now and then it becomes
clutter and so you know I'm lucky that I
have this giant garage that I can put
stuff that I don't really use in but
every year or six months I have to go in
there and start like putting stuff back
out on the street and it's almost like a
funny thing in my family it's a tendency
I have that's definitely a legacy of
some Trauma from when I was little so
it's actually like a healthy nice
feeling for me when I gather up stuff
and I do put it back out on the street
like it makes me feel good that somebody
else is going to use it it always gets
taken Again by some some of their poor
sap who has this thing that I have like
I don't know I might need a hundred
pieces of silverware in the future
or it can also be nice to donate stuff
you can donate it like to Goodwill and
if the stuff is decent you know you get
to add up the math with fair market
value and that's a tax deduction if you
itemize your taxes
so one thing that holds people up is the
feeling that these things could be sold
so you know we have some broken bikes in
the garage and we think oh well we
should sell them you know if we fixed
them up they would be worth X and it
would cost this much to fix them and
nobody ever fixes them that's what it is
so if you are in a situation where you
have the power to sell things I mean I
know people with really bustling
businesses on Craigslist or Ebay you
know selling things and maybe they go
around and they actually like collect
stuff productively and sell them and
make some money that way well that's
lovely
if you're not somebody who has the level
of organization and power to do that it
would be better to give away the broken
bike or to donate it and so a rule of
thumb is like it just depends on how
much money you have but let's say that
you could replace something for twenty
dollars and you're not using it right
now go ahead and give it away because if
you can replace it for twenty dollars
you know if you have a little more money
you could put the line at like fifty
dollars if you could replace this thing
for fifty dollars but you're not using
it right now go ahead so a bike is more
than that right a used bike is I don't
know 500 or something that's a lot of
money and but so then it's time to use a
productivity method to write down some
things you're actually going to deal
with and give yourself a timeline you go
I'm going to get this bike repaired and
the bike repair costs whatever sixty
dollars and then you put it on
Craigslist and sell it for whatever a
few hundred dollars and then you have
the money and that's that's satisfying
and I would like everybody to have that
money everybody's happy you know
somebody has a bike and the bike is
fixed and everything's going really well
but it's just like realistically can you
do that so another Arrangement you can
do is to partner up with somebody who is
willing to help you and you split the
proceeds from these Endeavors and
sometimes people who you know they're
looking for a little extra work they
would be happy to do this with you but
you still have to put the effort out to
make that arrangement with them so I'm
just saying sometimes the best way to
get rid of the Clutter is to give it
away it's still going to be valued by
somebody it's still going to be useful
in the world it's just that you're not
going to have the cash all right so
another thing is your cupboard full of
cans and containers of things that have
been sitting there for more than a year
so cans do last a while I understand I
was hungry a lot when I was growing up
we had times when we really did have
nothing to eat and so it's just been
this tendency that started when I first
started having my own money in my own
place to live I would way over buy food
and it was stuff I was never going to
eat but I just need I loved the feeling
of cupboards that were completely full
and had stacks of things like that gave
me the this feeling of peace and
security but the fact of the matter is
right now
I don't need to have all that food in
the cupboard because I have some money
in savings and I could go buy it at the
store at any time now if Hard Times be
fill me like at the beginning of
lockdown when we all thought oh my gosh
there's going to be these food shortages
we're all going to starve you know we
were thinking we're like well we live
near a creek we'll have water and then I
bought like cases and cases of tuna and
chicken and green beans and corn and all
this stuff that
um you know we've barely made a dent in
three years later and it's time for me
to give some of it to the food pantry
because it's good food and people will
be glad to have it but we just need to
distribute it where it's actually needed
and going to get eaten even cans have
their sort of sell by dates right so
that's something I'm actually really
looking forward to and I'll have more
shelf space and even if the shelves
sipped empty that's fine I personally
because I get so disregulated by visual
clutter like seeing a shelf that has a
little space between items it's actually
very re-regulating for me and stimulates
my I'm imagination and my sense of being
productive it does do you have that do
you have cars that don't work God forbid
are they on the front yard well I grew
up like that and I was really
embarrassed and ashamed about it and it
was just you know my parents were going
through a lot they did not have power to
deal with it but yes there was a broken
car in the front yard for years there
was a wall between the living room and
the garage that had been broken through
these bricks with a big Jagged hole in
it that was also there for years and
that we used that for a doorway turn the
garage into a bedroom
but as a teenager it took me a while to
understand what was going on in my
family was alcoholism alcoholism just
sucks away all that
tidying energy and this clutter was
everywhere in the house there were thick
layers of dust there was rotten food and
it made me really ashamed for people to
come home
and so my husband had a car that didn't
work he went ahead and bought another
one thinking he'd sell the old one and
then two years passed or more eventually
he sold the car so good news he
eventually sold the car but it got
covered with leaves the neighbors began
to complain the city came and was
putting tags on the car and it was
really this huge source of old shame
well there was like no I think I think
some of it was legitimate present day
shame but this old childhood thing about
being like the most screwed up family on
the Block and the neighbors themselves
were complaining it was um yeah it was
it was beyond even my standards and that
level of clutter to me
uh just it made it feel like we you know
it we also were counting on having the
money from that car and we had a plan
for that money and we couldn't go
forward with the plan for the money
because we didn't have the money because
we had this car we kept paying
registration on it and that kind of
thing was very demoralizing to me
a lot of my healing from complex PTSD
has to do with getting
um competency and Mastery over managing
life in these areas that were not
totally together when I was a kid like I
always have car insurance I always see
the dentist every six months even when I
was a single mom and it had to go on my
third credit card I took my kids to the
dentist all the time when I was a kid I
had very rotten teeth
and finally a relative stepped in and
paid for me to have like huge amounts of
dental work when I was like eight I had
to have like four crowns by the time I
was eight because nobody was brushing my
teeth you know and um so that's a thing
that's always helped me feel like life
is okay life is together now a car is a
great example of something that's hard
you know sometimes decluttering has this
series of steps and when you have cptsd
and you're having trouble holding your
focus and a task involves a whole series
of steps right that can be very hard for
a person with cptsd and this is where
having a white board or a digital online
like I use this thing called kanban flow
I'm always telling people k-a-n-b-a-n
and I make a list that I look at every
day multiple times and I delete things
that I complete or move them into a done
column but you can create a little task
and then click and drag it to these
different columns and name them what you
want you can color code them and so the
steps involved with selling a car right
you have to get it like hailed and super
clean and then you have to make sure it
runs and that the tires are full and you
have to know where the keys are for all
of this and once it's not always you
know if you're very cluttered knowing
where the keys are is a problem and if
you don't have keys you have to get the
keys made you have to have the paperwork
and the title ready to sign over so all
of that can be so daunting and
overwhelming that you can never do it I
know exactly why we get cluttered and
why cptsd is correlated with this like
it's just too much if there's a lot if
you're very disregulated so this is
another case of sometimes the easy way
out is to donate and obviously if your
car has great value you know you still
want the money but my family's done this
before when we had a car that was kind
of a clunker and we couldn't deal with
all the steps we donated it and they
just come and take it and they take it
even if you don't have the paperwork
even if it doesn't run you know there's
somebody who wants that car and that's
really helpful to a person like me who
can get overwhelmed and everything gets
stuck and I can't plan anything unless I
solve the problems right in front of my
face toiletries
let's talk about toiletries so a few
months ago
I bought some good makeup I've talked
about that here before it was such a big
deal in my life finally I've got like
really good makeup I'm wearing it now
how do you like it right but I used to
have just like the very cheapest stuff
from Walgreens like I was putting stuff
on my eyes that wouldn't even stay on my
eyes and it was five dollars and little
splinters were getting in my eyes and it
probably caused this cancer I don't know
it's what I had and it's what I was used
to and it comes from growing up poor but
I'm at a point in my life where having
the makeup be together and look nice and
kind of stay on my eyes and not go
running down is important to me so I
hired an expert
um and her name is Maria Riley she's a
makeup artist and I had hired her for
professional video shoots that I used to
run before but I hired her just for me
and she came and helped me and she
showed me you know she told me what to
buy and what makeup to get and she
taught me how to apply the makeup and it
was this really great day it was kind of
stressful and I've it just was a lot to
learn for me I never really knew I like
I I airbrush my face with Foundation
yeah right it's so I didn't even know
you could Airbrush Foundation onto your
face but it just looks better and I
don't know it looks great so so I have a
little airbrush and I have these little
pods and you know I have to maintain it
all I have to wash my brushes and it's
this whole thing but when Maria was
sitting with me showing me this she goes
well she said first you know get out
everything that you have right now
and so I showed her all my makeup and
she was so cool and non-judgmental about
my crappy old stuff she's like this nail
polish like I can't open it I'm like oh
yeah I bought that like in 1999 uh to
put my kids initial on his toothbrush
you know it's a long time ago you know
and it doesn't open anymore and um she
said okay well you could anything that's
like old and not usable anymore you can
just throw out there was some stuff that
was old and you could still use it but
now I had a new better version of it but
it was halfway used makeup and I was
like what can we do with this can we
give it to somebody she was like no
that's you can't give old makeup to
people throw it out and so you know this
part of me that's so Thrifty I can't
stand throwing things out I got used to
it it's like I I have better stuff now
I don't need this anymore I'm truly not
going to use it anymore and nobody else
wants my 15 year old bronzer or and they
definitely don't want my two-year-old
mascara that's kind of dried out you
know they don't want it it's unsanitary
and it goes you just throw it out so
that was kind of freeing for me and
I noticed that a little bit of hoarding
style was there that it that I had an
emotional attachment like this was the
make like makeup from 20 years ago like
I was young back then I had little
babies I was I was a new mom and by
throwing out the stuff that belonged to
me at that time and likewise with the
pants I'm never going to fit into again
you know
it just was this idea of a time that I
could go back to and I had to get it
into my mind that it's okay it's okay to
get rid of the belongings of that time
because the way that we can revisit
those times is looking at pictures
having memories or really just living in
the present and having a good time now
there's so many ways you know for
example that I'm more like a young
person in my life now and that I'm
lighter-hearted I feel more
free-spirited I can have fun at a party
I don't sit there just like sour feeling
like everybody hates me like I'm kind of
younger than I've ever been so so it's
okay you know not to have the belongings
anymore and I'm telling the pants from
like 1999 and the big bell bottoms and
stuff I don't even want them anymore and
I can't button them so
so it's all good so those I donated and
you know God help the people who
actually want to wear those old pants
but maybe they do and I just trust that
Goodwill will sort it all out and they
whatever should be recycled as fabric
they they're going to take care of it
and I can stop grieving it or anything
but it's out of my closet you know
whether it's sentimentality or fear of
that you'll be in lack in the future or
feeling done with it but not having the
inner power to you know just make the
time and put it on your schedule and do
it
power is what you need whatever whatever
the step that you need to take is the
thing that's going to propel you into
that step is inner power so I'm going to
talk about how to get that inner power
within this video but I just want to
cover clutter a little more so let's go
over the other dimensions of clutter
that hold you back and keep you from
feeling open to life and ready for good
things to come in all right one of them
is mental clutter one thing I can say
from my own experience of childhood PTSD
is the stuff that I'm holding in my mind
can get very crowded and I'm sure
there's some sort of problem with trauma
that makes thoughts and ideas you know
harder to sort and remember and process
in a good way you know to move them
along
and that clutter of the Mind there it
makes it hard to focus it makes it hard
to prioritize things appropriately and
it makes it hard for me to notice that I
have choices when I'm feeling
overwhelmed like the world gets very it
gets very small like I I'm just like I'm
so overwhelmed I'm so overwhelmed
there's nothing I can do and then I
bring that dysregulation down and I the
choices open back up again
so I Rely heavily on to-do lists timers
and calendars so that I can predict when
I'm clear-headed what I need to be doing
each day and then write down a plan now
I know not everybody is a planner I am a
planner plans help me get stuff out of
my mind I know if I write it down I
don't have to keep reminding myself
don't forget don't forget drop the rent
drop the rent
now I don't always stick to my plan in
fact I almost never stick entirely to my
plan because my plans are a little too
ambitious but I don't have to waste time
throughout the day trying to figure out
what I need to do next I've already put
them in ranked order priority of what
I'm going to do and I declutter my mind
twice a day by doing my daily practice
techniques which helps me move you know
fearful resentful thoughts out of my
mind and onto paper so that I have more
of my mind available to actually like
think and envision things and do things
and there's a link to my daily practice
course down in the description section
of this video and all my videos if you
want to try it it's free anybody can try
it and that's one way to find out if it
helps you too to clear your mind is give
it a try
okay then there's emotional clutter and
mostly by this I mean old beliefs and
resentments that once were true that
you've been telling yourself and telling
other people way past the expiration
date like did a boyfriend in high school
make out with your best friend well that
happened to me I only found out about it
from the friend when I was an adult and
I had a good hard cry about it for 10
minutes and I was really sad
and and then for about four months I
couldn't let it go I just couldn't let
it go
I was really resentful eventually the
friendship with the friend fell apart
not because of this directly but I think
that when the truth of the relationship
came out I don't know it just didn't
hold we've been friends a long time
but what she did I did think a little
less of her even though it was so so
long ago I mean it was literally back in
the 70s
and
um and we did drift apart but now I just
because of my daily practice the
emotions about it are just like they're
not there there's I have no tears about
it at all like I remember it
it's a fact but I'm not carrying this
emotional clutter this resentment at her
or this victimization like oh it could
have been so great with this boyfriend
if she hadn't come along I have no
Illusions about that it's
sometimes the hurtful things that happen
are an indicator of the instability and
ungodness of the things in your life the
relationships in your life and so we get
emotionally cluttered sometimes when we
hold on with that sort of Shoulda Coulda
Woulda thinking or um you know they
really I you know they owe me and
apologize I can't I apology I can't let
this go until they apologize so we're
sort of freezing stuff in Amber
emotionally and it becomes an identity
right
and this was these are some of the
phases I've had to go through sometimes
in healing like it was really healing
for me at a certain point to go you know
what I am I'm an adult child of an
alcoholic and that was like my whole
thing for a while
and gradually I did a lot of healing
around that and this the things that go
with that and I also noticed that
there's stuff going on with me that's a
problem
that has nothing to do with that
and to solve those problems it helped me
to free up and start going I'm a person
who has a lot of things I've had some
hard things I've had some advantages
um I I will always be an adult child of
an alcoholic but that is so not my
primary identity anymore I'm a person
with complex PTSD but I'm always telling
people your your trauma is an injury but
it's not an identity it's not what you
are and so carrying all this stuff like
this terrible stuff happened I can never
change there are a few problems in life
that actually can't be changed
right and one example I use is
um losing a limb you cannot get another
limb but you can get a work around you
can often get a prosthetic that will
help you do many things and your life
can continue to Blossom anyway and so
that's that is an uncluttered approach
to dealing with life's hardship is not
to carry it around forever like it's
always going to take some time to deal
with the grief and sadness and
disappointment and anger of of what has
happened but soon with healthy healing
it gets moved down the conveyor belt
down into the past space opens up again
for new experiences new relationships
and yes new heartaches new ones life
goes on emotional clutter also comes in
the form of seeking out social media
people you're obsessed with or seeking
out news about things that make you
angry like anger is the drug like being
different than better than disagreeing
with hateful towards
some other kind of person and that's a
drug and that is clutter outrage is
total emotional clutter if the news you
read isn't helping you be informed so
that you can be more useful it's clutter
all right it's it's emotional clutter
and it's probably making you sick and
it's probably getting passed on to other
people and making their world difficult
I really urge you to pay attention and
prioritize what is useful so just like
you would go through a drawer and keep
the genes that you still wear and get
rid of the ones that you're never going
to wear
when you're consuming media what is the
stuff that's actually useful to you like
necessary for your job or truly
entertaining and uplifting for you great
I'm all for people being informed but we
are so far beyond like being informed
anymore with the level of information
that is designed to agitate us and
clutter us up emotionally and the
consequence of that is a lot of division
and isolation and trust me as a
traumatized person you don't need extra
of that
so if your media consumption is causing
you to feel separate from people if it's
causing you to feel turned against or
victimized by people in a way that you
didn't used to then it's clutter if it's
helping you recognize a problem that you
can solve or that you need to address
it's useful that's basically the formula
now finally emotional clutter can be the
sad stories that that we tell ourselves
about stuff like you know I was the
black sheep in my family and now I can
never feel like I belong or I was
rejected by my mom and I just can't have
relationships those are things that I've
believed about myself before and
thankfully I got those out of the
cupboard I got those out of the cupboard
and I made space for a new idea and a
new experience to come in
and I get this a lot in um in the
letters people write to me and somebody
was writing in you know I spent years
waiting for this girlfriend to get done
with school and then she didn't she
didn't want me anymore and they felt
wrong for all those years and it had
been years and years since it had
happened and then now they could never
have an education and I'm just going to
say yeah no that sucks but
there was nothing stopping you from
doing whatever you wanted to do with
your life while you were in that
relationship or now and there there are
certain relationships that stop you that
do stop people abusive relationships
course of ones being trapped in terrible
poverty being incarcerated these are
some reasons why people legitimately get
stuck but a lot of times this is learned
helplessness we're like the little bird
in a cage the door's open but we never
think to fly out
those stories you tell yourself this
cage I can never get out
they need to be questioned you need to
ask yourself is that true is that true
is there another way what would happen
if I walked out of the cage and the
circumstances of your life I know it's
going to include some things that are
hard and some things that are easy some
things that are probably never going to
be solved in some things that are just
one second away just one little decision
away and some things that are so massive
that you don't really have control over
them but you start with the thing that
you can do you start with the thing
right in front of you
people with cptsd get overwhelmed and
overwhelm is this feeling like I see a
hundred things to do where do I even
start you just start with the thing in
front of you one thing that you can try
right now is just take a fast do a day
where you don't talk about a certain
problem anymore you might even take a
fast from thinking about it it's you
know you can't totally control your
thoughts but when you notice you're
thinking it again divert your thoughts
to something else just for a day just to
teach yourself about that space that you
actually do have within you where you're
not consumed by this problem that
happened this this limitation that was
put on you at one time and just see if
you don't if there isn't like a little
door in that cage There's real life
possibilities in front of you right now
and to see them you might need to move
past those hurts and let them recede
into the past and I I keep promising you
this I will talk about how to do that
okay but I want to talk about a couple
more kinds of clutter relationship
clutter and I'm talking about all kinds
of relationships friends co-workers
family people in in the Romantic
category if you have cptsd chances are
you have a shortage of people with whom
you feel safe and good and seen and
heard who get you and you have an
abundance of people you don't like you
don't want to deal with but you're
forced to see them either because they
live in the same building as you or you
feel obligated or they work where you
work or it's you have you carry this
thing like I don't know it's probably
just me I should keep putting up with
this person who really makes me feel
terrible because it's probably just me
that's a trauma thing so relationship
decluttering means you make space in
your life to enjoy people with whom you
have Affinity you like them you feel
good you inspire each other or you have
a common purpose like you're working or
raising children together and you do
this by gently removing people who don't
really belong in your life anymore
it's better to have fewer people who are
good for you than a whole bunch of
people who just make you feel
relationship cluttered you don't have to
have a great reason for for stepping
back from a relationship it helps to
have Clarity though and if you need
clarity about who those people are my
connection boot camp talks about that so
you can check that out if you're
interested all right finally there's
time clutter and I think this one you
know what I'm talking about that's where
you you take too much on and this is the
problem of over functioners who get
their need for approval and meaning met
by saying yes to things and having
accomplishments and having this sense of
a very colorful busy calendar
these can be good things but if you're
not having time
for friends or exercise or learning or
adequate sleep or healing your trauma
then your time is too cluttered you need
some space in your life that is
unscheduled that's unspoken for and it's
open for you to decide in the moment how
you want to spend that even if it's just
sitting there staring at the wall
because it's in those down times that
you can really recharge your batteries
to get new ideas you can make changes
you could do something really big with
your life that you couldn't have done
when you were chained up to other
people's timelines and other people's
agendas and that's one of the functions
of meditation is to you know to sort of
schedule and bring in that quiet time
for that new inspiration to come in
the thing is when you stop being
cluttered all over your life openness
does come and so does responsibility and
sometimes that urge to clutter up your
mind your heart your time your home it's
a way to hold life away from you it's
covert avoidance is something I call
that life is hard sometimes it can be
triggering and for that what you really
want is boundaries and ability to make
decisions and say no but clutter I
believe is a low-grade barrier to keep
your life manageable I'd actually put
debt in that in that column too like
getting in debt staying in debt it's a
way to hold life back I see I have no
choices see I have to stay stuck where I
am because actually thinking about my
next step is stressful
triggering but that's not a good way to
accomplish you know self-care and to
treat that feeling of being overwhelmed
and triggered all the way the side
effects of that it's isolation it's it's
getting Frozen in Amber instead of
growing and it's getting isolated and
making everything in the end
unmanageable it gets more stressful not
less stressful when you shut life out so
even if you don't know what your next
step is yet consider just opening up
something better in your life
because there's greatness in you and it
needs room to breathe and grow beyond
the trauma beyond what was done to you
in the past and one way that you can
begin to step into that good energy of
change and growth is by decluttering you
can start where you are with just one
closet or one thing on your calendar
that needs to be taken off by ending a
friendship that no longer serves you or
by letting go of an old Grudge that you
held against someone that really is not
going to change anything whether you
have The Grudge or not when you make
space in your life some old
trauma-driven feelings and thoughts are
definitely going to surface
and so to keep your decluttering steady
and sustained and not fall back into it
or start piling things up again in every
sense of the word you'll need tools to
help you face and release the friction
that arises the feelings that used to
get stuffed down by by your inability to
take action you know push it down you
know keep avoiding
so if you want to open up to this and be
able to process those feelings that come
up one thing I recommend to you is to
try my daily practice techniques they
are free it's a it's an online course
that you can complete well you can learn
the techniques in less than an hour and
there's a whole bunch of FAQ videos to
learn the fine points and the link to
that free course is right here and I
will see you very soon
[Music]
thank you
[Music]
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