Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships | Joanne Davila | TEDxSBU

Summary

Queenie Lee discusses the importance of healthy relationships and the lack of education on achieving them. She introduces a skills-based model focusing on insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation to foster romantic competence. This competence is linked to better mental health and relationship satisfaction, suggesting early education in these skills could improve relationship outcomes.

Takeaways

• 📚 Healthy relationships are characterized by intimacy, security, respect, good communication, and a sense of being valued.
• 🚫 Unhealthy relationships are marked by excessive fighting, lack of support, contempt, criticism, hostility, and violence.
• 🤔 Many people lack the knowledge of how to create and maintain healthy relationships on a daily basis.
• 👫 Couples therapy often comes too late to address deeply ingrained issues, and premarital education may be ineffective if the partner choice is poor.
• 🧠 The concept of 'romantic competence' is introduced as the ability to function adaptively across all aspects of the relationship process.
• 🔍 Three key skills for romantic competence are identified: insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation.
• 🤯 Insight involves self-awareness, understanding one's own needs and recognizing patterns in one's behavior that affect relationships.
• 🤝 Mutuality emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing the needs of both partners in a relationship.
• 😌 Emotion regulation is about managing one's feelings in response to relationship events to maintain perspective and avoid impulsive reactions.
• 📈 Research shows that young people with higher levels of romantic competence experience greater relationship security, better mental health, and engage in more normative romantic activities.
• 🌟 Teaching romantic competence from a young age can lead to more adaptive relationship functioning and improved individual well-being.

Q & A

What are the key features of healthy relationships according to the speaker?

The key features of healthy relationships mentioned by the speaker include intimacy, security, respect, good communication, and a sense of being valued.

What are the characteristics of unhealthy relationships as discussed in the script?

Unhealthy relationships are characterized by excessive fighting, inability to provide support, contempt, criticism, hostility, and violence.

Why is it critical for people to have healthy relationships?

Having healthy relationships is critical because unhealthy ones can cause significant unhappiness, lead to relationship breakdowns and divorce, and even make people physically and emotionally sick.

What is the problem the speaker identifies with how people currently learn about healthy relationships?

The problem identified is that people often learn about healthy relationships too late, such as through couples therapy or premarital education, and these approaches fail to address the need for understanding what one wants in a partner, selecting the right person, and developing necessary skills from the start.

What is the 'beginning-beginning' the speaker refers to in teaching people about relationships?

The 'beginning-beginning' refers to starting the education on relationships as early as possible, even before entering any relationship, to equip individuals with the necessary skills and understanding.

What are the three skills the speaker and colleagues have identified as crucial for romantic competence?

The three skills identified are insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation.

How does insight help in relationships according to the speaker?

Insight helps by increasing self-awareness and understanding, allowing individuals to recognize their own needs and behaviors, as well as those of their partners, leading to better anticipation of the consequences of their actions.

What is mutuality in the context of relationships and how does it function?

Mutuality refers to the understanding that both individuals in a relationship have needs that matter, and it involves clearly communicating one's own needs and being willing to meet the partner's needs, fostering a balanced and supportive dynamic.

How does emotion regulation contribute to the health of a relationship?

Emotion regulation helps individuals maintain calm and perspective during relationship challenges, tolerate uncomfortable feelings without acting impulsively, and make clearer decisions, thus promoting emotional stability and self-respect.

What is the significance of teaching these skills early in life, as suggested by the speaker?

Teaching these skills early in life is significant because it equips young people with the tools to navigate relationships effectively from the start, leading to healthier relationship patterns and improved individual well-being.

What evidence does the speaker provide to support the benefits of romantic competence?

The speaker provides evidence from studies showing that young people with greater romantic competence experience more secure relationships, better mental health, and more adaptive relationship functioning.

Outlines

00:00

🌿 The Importance of Healthy Relationships

The speaker, Queenie Lee, begins by discussing the characteristics of healthy relationships, such as intimacy, security, respect, good communication, and feeling valued. These features are supported by extensive research in the field of romantic relationships. She contrasts this with the negative aspects of unhealthy relationships, which include excessive fighting, lack of support, and behaviors like contempt, criticism, hostility, and violence. These can lead to unhappiness, relationship breakdown, and even physical and emotional sickness. The speaker emphasizes the critical need for healthy relationships but points out a significant gap: most people lack the knowledge or skills to create and maintain such relationships in their daily lives. She argues that while we know what a healthy relationship looks like, we often don't know how to achieve one, and this knowledge is typically taught too late, such as through couples therapy or premarital education. The speaker introduces a skills-based model developed by her and her colleagues to address this issue, focusing on three key skills: insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation, which together form what they term 'romantic competence'.

05:01

🔍 The Skills for Healthy Relationships

The speaker delves into the three skills that form the basis of romantic competence: insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation. Insight involves self-awareness and understanding, allowing individuals to recognize their own needs and behaviors, as well as those of their partners. It enables people to anticipate the consequences of their actions and learn from past mistakes. Mutuality is about recognizing and valuing the needs of both partners in a relationship, communicating one's own needs clearly, and being willing to meet the other's needs. This skill helps in making decisions that consider both partners' perspectives. Emotion regulation is about managing one's emotional responses to relationship events, maintaining calm, and keeping things in perspective. It helps in tolerating uncomfortable feelings without acting impulsively and maintaining self-respect and commitment to one's needs even during difficult times. The speaker believes that the ability to use these skills daily is what allows people to have healthy relationships.

10:02

🎯 Applying the Skills in Real Life

The speaker provides a practical example to illustrate how the skills of insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation can be applied in real-life situations. She recounts a story of a woman who, when asked what she wanted for her birthday, told her partner she wanted nothing, but later became angry when no gift was given. The speaker explains how insight would have helped her recognize her true desires and communicate them clearly, mutuality would have encouraged her to ask for what she wanted directly, and emotion regulation would have allowed her to manage any feelings of anxiety or guilt that might have prevented her from doing so. The speaker also shares research findings that show the positive impact of romantic competence on young people's relationships and mental health, emphasizing the importance of teaching these skills from an early age to foster healthier relationships and individual well-being.

15:02

🌟 The Impact of Romantic Competence

In the final paragraph, the speaker summarizes the benefits of romantic competence, highlighting how it can reduce unhealthy relationship behaviors such as fighting, poor support, hostility, criticism, contempt, and violence. Instead, it fosters positive relationship qualities like intimacy, security, respect, good communication, and a sense of being valued. The speaker suggests that all relationships could benefit from the application of these skills. She concludes by reiterating the need to teach people, especially young people, how to have healthy relationships from the beginning, emphasizing the importance of understanding one's own needs, selecting the right partner, making good decisions, and dealing with relationship challenges. The speaker's message is that romantic competence is crucial for both individual well-being and the health of relationships.

Keywords

💡Intimacy

Intimacy refers to a close, personal connection or relationship between individuals. In the context of the video, intimacy is highlighted as a key component of healthy relationships. The speaker mentions that intimacy, along with security and respect, are qualities that people generally agree upon when defining what makes a relationship healthy.

💡Communication

Effective communication is the ability to express one's thoughts, feelings, and ideas clearly and openly. The video emphasizes good communication as a vital part of a healthy relationship. It's noted that without it, conflicts can arise and dissatisfaction can grow, leading to unhealthy relationship dynamics.

💡Contempt

Contempt is a feeling of看不起 or鄙视 for someone or something, often due to perceived low value or inferiority. In the script, contempt is listed among behaviors that can make a relationship unhealthy. It can lead to hostility and is contrasted with the positive attributes needed for a healthy relationship.

💡Support

Support in a relationship means being there for one's partner, providing help or assistance when needed. The video script points out that an inability to go to one's partner for support is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Conversely, being able to rely on each other for support is crucial for maintaining a healthy bond.

💡Hostility

Hostility refers to unfriendliness or antagonism. In the context of relationships, hostility can manifest as aggressive or negative behavior towards a partner. The script identifies hostility as a destructive element that can lead to the deterioration of a relationship.

💡Insight

Insight, as discussed in the video, is the ability to understand the true nature of something, particularly oneself and one's motivations. It's one of the three skills identified as crucial for romantic competence. Insight helps individuals recognize their own needs and how their actions affect their relationships.

💡Mutuality

Mutuality is the concept of reciprocity or mutual benefit in a relationship. It involves recognizing and valuing both parties' needs. The script explains that mutuality allows for clear communication of needs and a willingness to meet those needs, fostering a balanced and supportive relationship.

💡Emotion Regulation

Emotion regulation is the ability to manage and control one's emotions. In the video, it's described as a skill that helps individuals maintain perspective and calmness during relationship challenges. It's key to preventing impulsive reactions and fostering healthier responses to emotional triggers.

💡Romantic Competence

Romantic competence is a term coined in the video to describe the collective ability to navigate the various aspects of romantic relationships effectively. It encompasses skills like insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation, and is portrayed as essential for fostering healthy relationships and avoiding unhealthy ones.

💡Premarital Education

Premarital education refers to programs or courses designed to prepare couples for marriage. The video script suggests that while this is a positive step towards building healthy relationships, it might be 'too late' as individuals have already chosen their partners, and the focus should ideally be on earlier education.

💡Mind Reading

Mind reading, as used in the script, refers to the unrealistic expectation that one's partner should know what one wants without being told. The speaker uses this term to illustrate a common mistake in communication that can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts within relationships.

Highlights

Healthy relationships include intimacy, security, respect, good communication, and a sense of being valued.

Unhealthy relationships are characterized by excessive fighting, lack of support, contempt, criticism, hostility, and violence.

The importance of having healthy relationships is underscored by their impact on happiness, relationship longevity, and physical and emotional health.

The challenge is that many people lack the knowledge and skills to create and maintain healthy relationships.

Couples therapy and premarital education are common but often come too late to address deeply ingrained issues.

The concept of romantic competence is introduced as a skills-based model for relationship functioning.

Three key skills identified for romantic competence are insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation.

Insight involves self-awareness and understanding one's own needs and behaviors in a relationship.

Mutuality emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing both partners' needs.

Emotion regulation is about managing one's feelings in response to relationship events.

The skills of romantic competence are derived from a comprehensive review of relationship theories and research.

Teaching these skills from a young age can lead to healthier relationship patterns and better mental health.

Research shows that young people with higher romantic competence have more secure relationships and fewer depressive symptoms.

Study findings indicate that romantic competence is associated with better relationship satisfaction and individual well-being.

The necessity of educating people, especially the youth, on how to develop and maintain healthy relationships is emphasized.

The speaker calls for the integration of romantic competence skills into relationship education to prevent unhealthy patterns.

The potential benefits of romantic competence for all relationships are discussed, suggesting improvements in intimacy, security, respect, communication, and feeling valued.

Transcripts

Reviewer: Queenie Lee

Intimacy, security, respect,

good communication, a sense of being valued.

These are some of the things that most people would agree

make for healthy relationships.

And researchers would agree, too.

There is a large body of literature on romantic relationships

that has identified the features of healthy relationships,

and the list I just provided contains many of them.

Researchers also agree

on what makes for unhealthy relationships -

things like fighting so much that you just can't work things out;

not being able to go to your partner for support when you need it;

contempt, criticism, hostility, violence.

When these problems happen in relationships,

they can cause significant unhappiness.

They can lead to the end of relationships and divorce,

and they can literally make people physically and emotionally sick.

This is why it is so critical that people have healthy relationships.

But there is a problem:

how many people know,

I mean, really know what to do on a day-to-day basis,

to create healthy relationships?

My point is this: we may know what a healthy relationship looks like,

but most people have no idea how to get one,

and no one teaches us how to do so.

We need to teach people how to have healthy relationships.

Now, you know when we typically do so? After it's too late.

It is called couples therapy.

I do couples therapy, and it can be a wonderful thing.

But many people come to couples therapy

with so many ingrained problems and patterns that they just can't change.

It's too late.

You know when else we try to teach people how to have healthy relationships?

Right before they get married.

It's call premarital education.

And this is a good idea:

teach people how to have a good relationship

while they are still happy, presumably.

And it can work.

But in my opinion, it's still too late.

Why?

Because people have already selected

the person they want to commit their life to.

What if they selected poorly?

No amount of premarital education can make up for a bad partner choice.

So the ways we have tried to teach people how to have healthy relationships

have been limited,

because they fail to address three important things:

genuinely knowing what you want and need in a partner and a relationship,

selecting the right person,

and developing and using skills right from the beginning.

I don't mean the beginning of any particular relationship.

I mean the beginning-beginning, like as soon as possible.

We need to teach people, especially young people,

how to have healthy relationships.

Now, towards this end, my colleagues and I have developed

a skills based model of relationship functioning

that we believe can help people

create the things that lead to healthy relationships

and reduce the behaviors that lead to unhealthy ones.

We've identified three skills -

insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation -

that form the basis for what we call romantic competence.

Romantic competence is the ability to function adaptively

across all areas or all aspects of the relationship process,

from figuring out what you need,

to finding the right person, to building a healthy relationship,

and to getting out of relationships that are unhealthy.

I'll tell you more about the skills in a minute,

but first, let me say that we didn't just make this up out of the blue.

We identified the skills

based on a thorough review of theory and research.

And the skills really represent the commonalities

across the major theories and research findings

on healthy relationships.

And because they represent the commonalities,

we think they really can help people

with all the different parts of the relationship process,

and with all different people - whether people in a relationship or not.

So let me tell you about the skills.

The first one is insight.

Insight is about awareness, and understanding, and learning.

So with insight, you'll have a better idea of who you are, what you need,

what you want, why you do the things you do.

So let's say you are being really snappy to your partner.

With insight, you might notice or realize

that it's not that your partner is doing anything,

but actually you're really stressed out at work.

What you really need is to relax a little bit,

so it doesn't bleed out over into your relationship.

Insight will also let you know your partner better.

Let's say your partner shows up late for a date.

With insight, you'll know why.

For example, maybe your partner is late for everything.

It's nothing about you or the relationship.

That's just who your partner is.

With insight, you'll be able to anticipate

the positive and negative consequences of your behavior.

For example, you'll know that if you send that nasty text,

it is not going to go well.

Maybe you'd better make a phone call instead.

With insight, you will be able to learn from your mistakes

in ways that allow you to behave differently in the future.

So maybe you'll recognize that you're the kind of person

who tends to jump in really quickly -

you get wrapped up in the romance of things -

and then things don't go well.

So you might be able to say,

"Well, you know what the next time

I'm just going to take things a little more slowly

and not repeat the same mistake.

And with insight, you'll have a better understanding

about what's really right for you in a relationship.

Maybe you're the kind of person

who really needs a monogamous relationship.

You are not OK with your partner seeing other people.

Or maybe you'll realize it's just the opposite,

that you're not ready to settle down,

and you need a partner who is OK with that.

So that's insight.

The second skill is mutuality.

Mutuality is about knowing that both people have needs,

and that both sets of needs matter.

With mutuality

you'll be able to convey your own needs in a clear direct fashion

that increases the likelihood that you'll get them met.

Let's say you have to go to a really stressful family event,

and you'd like your partner to be there with you.

You might say directly:

"You know this is going to be stressful for me.

I'd really love for you to be there;

you'll be a really good buffer for me.

Is there any way you can clear your schedule to come with me?"

With mutuality,

you'll be willing to meet your partner's needs as well.

Let's say you know that your partner really likes to go to the gym

first thing in the morning,

it makes your partner feel better the rest of the day.

Mutuality will let you be willing to support your partner in this,

even though you'd really rather have your partner stay home, in bed with you.

And mutuality also lets you factor both people's needs

into decisions that you make about your relationship.

So let's say you get a great job offer that you'd like to take,

but you know it means you will to have to work more,

and you know how important it is

for both you and your partner to spend time together.

With a mutual approach, you might say,

"You know, I'd really like to take this job,

it's really important to me,

but I also am concerned about us spending time together.

If I promise to protect some time for us,

will you be OK with me taking this job?"

That's a mutual approach to relationships.

The third skill is emotion regulation.

And emotion regulation is about regulating your feelings

in response to things that happen in your relationship.

With emotion regulation, you'll be able to ...

keep your emotions calm

and keep things that happen in your relationship in perspective.

So, you might think: "Oh, my goodness.

This is a disaster! This is the worst thing ever!

How am I going to handle this?"

With emotion regulation, you'll think:

"You know what, I can handle this.

This is going to be all right.

There is a way to deal with this. I'm going to figure this out.

Everything is going to be OK."

With emotion regulation,

you'll be able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings

and not act out on them impulsively,

so you'll to be able to think through your decisions more clearly.

So let's say your waiting for your partner to text you back.

That text isn't coming; you're getting really anxious;

you're checking your phone every two seconds.

With emotion regulation, you'll be able to tell yourself,

"You know what? Calm down.

The text is going to come.

I don't need to check my phone every second;

I'm just going to put it away and focus on the task at hand."

And with emotion regulation,

you'll be able to maintain a sense of self-respect

and commitment to your needs,

even when bad things happen in your relationship.

So let's say you have a breakup.

You're feeling really depressed; you're really missing your partner.

With emotion regulation,

you'll be able to let yourself know that it is OK;

that, yeah, you're going to feel depressed,

but you're going to get over it and get through this.

If you beg and plead to get back together,

you're not going to feel good about yourself,

and you don't even want to be in a relationship

that wasn't good for you.

So insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation.

I believe it's people's ability to use the skills on a day-to-day basis

that lets them have healthy relationships.

So let me give you an example of how this works.

The other day I was talking to someone, and she said

that when her partner asked her what she wanted for her birthday,

she told him she didn't want anything.

So guess what? She didn't get anything.

And she got really angry, and they had a big fight.

Why?

Because she really did want a present, she just didn't want to tell him;

she just wanted him to somehow know.

It is called mind reading.

It is a terrible idea; it never works.

Had she been using the skills,

insight would have let her know herself well enough to realize

that she really did want something,

and if she didn't get it, she was going to be mad.

Insight also would have let her know that her partner was the kind of guy

who was just going to take what she said literally.

Mutuality would have let her really ask for what she wanted,

directly and clearly.

And emotion regulation would have let her deal with any feelings she was having

that were getting in the way of doing that.

So maybe she was feeling kind of anxious:

What would he think if I asked for what I needed?

Or maybe she was feeling guilty, you know.

She knows they are saving for a big trip,

and she maybe thought that he would think that she was kind of greedy or something.

So if she had used the skills, she would have been able to say,

"You know what?

I know we are saving for that trip,

but I really like that necklace that we saw the other day,

and it wasn't that expensive."

He would have gotten it for her.

She would have felt respected and valued.

He would have been happy.

They would have felt more intimate.

This whole birthday gift thing would have gone well,

instead of ending in a fight

that could really damage their relationship.

Now, this was just an anecdote.

We have data to support this as well.

I've been studying romantic competence,

the ability for people to use insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation,

among young people.

In one of our studies,

we looked at 13- and 14-year-old girls, early adolescent girls,

and we found that girls who were more romantically competent

felt more secure in their relationships.

They felt comfortable being close to people,

they could trust people, they weren't worried about being rejected.

Girls who are more romantically competent reported fewer depressive symptoms,

they had better mental health.

They also were more positive

about their expectations about marriage in the future;

they were more optimistic that it could go well.

Girls with greater romantic competence

were engaging in more typical romantic activities for their age,

things that were normative, like dating and flirting

and affectionate behaviors like hugging and kissing.

And girls who were more romantically competent

were engaging in fewer ...

atypical, sexual activities, like sexual intercourse,

which can be considered pretty risky for a 13- and 14-year-old girl.

So, even at an early age, 13 and 14 years old,

when these girls mostly were not even in relationships,

the more romantically competent they were,

the more adaptive relational functioning they were showing,

and the better mental health they were showing.

We see the same things among young adults, 18 to 25 years old:

More romantically competent men and women feel more secure in relationships.

They also report making better decisions,

they can see the warning signs when things aren't going well

and make conscious decisions with confidence.

They're also better at seeking and providing support to their partners.

So, they are more willing to ask for what they need

and use what their partners give them.

And they are better at providing helpful support when needed.

And this isn't just what they told us,

we actually observed them doing this in our laboratory,

where we asked them to talk with one another about a personal problem.

Young people who were more romantically competent

also were more satisfied in their relationships,

they were happier.

And again, they reported fewer depressive symptoms

and also fewer anxiety symptoms.

So overall,

being romantically competent at a young age

is associated with greater, more adaptive relationship functioning

and greater individual well being.

And this brings me back to my point

that we need to be teaching people how to have healthy relationships.

So, like I said earlier on,

we may know what a healthy relationship looks like,

but most people have no idea how to get one,

and no one teaches us how to do so.

And this is a problem.

We need to help people genuinely know what they want and need in a relationship.

We need to help them select the right partner.

We need to help them make good decisions

and deal with the challenges that relationships bring.

And we need to help them build and use skills

right from the beginning.

This is what the notion of romantic competence is all about.

It's all about using insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation

to reduce the behaviors that lead to unhealthy relationships,

like fighting, and poor support,

and hostility, and criticism, and contempt, and violence.

And create the things that lead to healthy relationships,

like intimacy, security, respect, good communication,

and a sense of being valued.

And wouldn't all of our relationships benefit from this?

I think they would.

Thank you.

(Applause)