your compliments are boring, try this instead...

Summary

In this insightful discussion, the author explores the nuances of giving and receiving praise, emphasizing that traditional compliments often come off as manipulative and vague. Drawing on Marshall B. Rosenberg's principles of nonviolent communication, the video advocates for specific, heartfelt praise that highlights how someone's actions have enriched our lives. By framing compliments around personal feelings and fulfilled needs, individuals can foster deeper connections and reduce skepticism. Ultimately, the message encourages us to celebrate others authentically, shifting from mere judgments to genuine appreciation, enhancing interpersonal relationships in a meaningful way.

Takeaways

• 😀 Many people feel uncomfortable receiving or giving praise due to doubts about intentions and fear of expectations.
• 🤔 Most traditional praise can feel alienating because it is often perceived as a judgment rather than genuine appreciation.
• 🐴 A story about a horse illustrates how praise can be misinterpreted, emphasizing the need for clear communication.
• 🗣️ Effective praise should reflect on how a person's actions enrich your life, share your feelings, and specify the needs that were met.
• 👗 Compliments about appearance can be made more meaningful by expressing personal feelings, such as 'I really like your outfit.'
• 🙏 Some cultures, like Sufi Muslims, praise actions while attributing goodness to a higher power, easing the pressure on the individual.
• 📜 Cultural mindsets influence how praise is given; frank cultures may withhold praise for fear of inflating egos.
• 💬 Specific feedback is more impactful than vague praise, as demonstrated in the interaction between Rosenberg and a woman.
• 🏆 When praising, focus on the effort and specific actions rather than just the end accomplishments.
• 💖 Genuine praise can help combat self-doubt and foster deeper connections between individuals.

Q & A

What is the main issue with traditional praise according to the script?

Traditional praise often comes off as judgmental and life-alienating because it does not communicate genuine feelings or needs, leading to discomfort and doubt in the recipient.

How does Marshall B. Rosenberg define effective praise?

Effective praise is expressed through nonviolent communication, celebrating the person's actions without expecting anything in return, and by articulating how those actions have positively affected the speaker's life.

What example is given to illustrate the misuse of praise?

The example of two Native Americans and a horse is used to illustrate that praise can be misinterpreted if it is not delivered correctly, where the horse assumes the praise is insincere.

What is the three-part framework for giving praise mentioned in the video?

The framework consists of: 1) Describing the specific action that contributed to your well-being, 2) Expressing your feelings about that action, and 3) Identifying the needs that were fulfilled by the action.

How should one compliment someone's appearance according to the script?

Compliments about appearance can be framed using 'I think' or 'I like' to make it personal, such as saying, 'I really like your outfit today; it feels like art to me.'

What are the two reasons why people struggle to accept praise?

People often struggle to accept praise because they doubt they deserve it, or they fear the pressure of living up to it.

What is the significance of praising efforts rather than accomplishments?

Praising efforts encourages a growth mindset and recognizes the hard work individuals put in, rather than merely focusing on the outcome, which can foster greater motivation and self-esteem.

How do Sufi Muslims demonstrate praise differently?

Sufi Muslims praise others by acknowledging a higher power or universal force that facilitated the good deed, which helps to maintain humility and reduce discomfort in receiving praise.

What mindset does the speaker contrast with a Frank mindset?

The speaker contrasts a Frank mindset, which assumes one is right most of the time and views praise as unnecessary, with a more polite mindset that appreciates psychological complexity and recognizes that everyone has different experiences.

What example does the script provide of how specific praise can be more impactful?

An example is given where a vague compliment like 'you're brilliant' is replaced with specific references to what was appreciated, such as the content of a speaker's presentation, which enhances the meaningfulness of the praise.