If Your Ex Was An Avoidant, Watch This
Summary
TLDRIn this video, conscious breakup coach Nancy Ruth Dean discusses the avoidant attachment style. She contrasts it with secure and anxious attachment styles, explaining that avoidant individuals often struggle with intimacy due to neglect in their early lives. They tend to avoid emotional closeness, which can cause friction with anxiously attached partners who crave constant reassurance. Dean emphasizes that neither attachment style is inherently bad but stresses the importance of self-awareness and seeking securely attached partners to foster healthier relationships. She shares personal insights and suggests ways to build intimacy in relationships with avoidant partners.
Takeaways
- 😊 Avoidant attachment style involves a deep fear of intimacy and an 'it's me against the world' mentality due to early neglect or inconsistency in emotional needs being met.
- 📚 Much of the information shared is based on the book 'Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love,' a recommended read for anyone interested in attachment theory.
- 💡 Secure attachment occurs when a child’s emotional and physical needs are consistently met, making them trust the world and feel safe.
- 🤔 Anxious attachment style develops from inconsistent care in childhood, leading to a fear of abandonment and a strong craving for intimacy and reassurance.
- ⚖️ Avoidant and anxious attachment styles often attract each other, creating a dynamic where one partner fears intimacy while the other fears abandonment.
- 🙅 Avoidantly attached individuals tend to struggle with emotional closeness and self-reflection, which can make relationships difficult, especially with anxiously attached partners.
- 🛠️ For anxious individuals, it is crucial to seek partners who are securely attached, as they provide the emotional stability and intimacy needed for a healthy relationship.
- ❤️ People with avoidant attachment are not inherently bad; they simply have different emotional responses shaped by their past, which might make intimacy challenging.
- 👩❤️👨 With effort and awareness, relationships between anxious and avoidantly attached individuals can work, but it requires commitment and understanding from both parties.
- 💬 Those with avoidant attachment may not engage in deep self-reflection or personal development in the same way anxious individuals do, making communication and progress in the relationship more complex.
Q & A
What is the purpose of Nancy Ruth Dean's video?
-The purpose of Nancy Ruth Dean's video is to provide an overview of the avoidant attachment style and help viewers, either avoidantly attached or those who recently left a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, better understand attachment dynamics.
What is the difference between secure and avoidant attachment styles?
-Securely attached individuals receive consistent emotional and physical support from their caregivers, leading them to trust the world and feel safe. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals experience neglect or inconsistent care, which makes them avoid intimacy and rely only on themselves.
How do anxiously attached individuals differ from avoidantly attached individuals?
-Anxiously attached individuals crave intimacy and fear abandonment, often becoming clingy or needy. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals fear intimacy and prefer emotional distance, seeing it as overwhelming.
Why do anxious and avoidant attachment styles often attract each other?
-Anxiously attached individuals' fear of abandonment attracts avoidantly attached individuals because the avoidant person’s fear of intimacy complements the anxious person's desire for closeness, creating a push-pull dynamic in relationships.
What might cause someone to develop an avoidant attachment style?
-Avoidant attachment often develops due to repetitive neglect, inconsistent emotional support, or caregivers who were themselves avoidantly attached or dealing with issues like addiction, leading the child to believe they cannot rely on others for emotional or physical support.
Why do avoidantly attached people often get a bad reputation in relationships?
-Avoidantly attached individuals can get a bad reputation because they struggle with intimacy, often pulling away when their partner needs emotional closeness, which can create frustration and anxiety for partners, especially those who are anxiously attached.
Can avoidantly attached individuals form healthy relationships?
-Yes, avoidantly attached individuals can form healthy relationships, but it requires effort from both partners. The avoidant partner needs to be willing to work on building intimacy, and a securely attached partner can help support this process.
Why is self-reflection less common among avoidantly attached individuals?
-Avoidantly attached individuals often avoid self-reflection because it requires confronting past emotional pain or neglect, which they tend to suppress. This makes them less likely to engage in personal development or introspective activities.
What is the role of a securely attached partner in helping someone with anxious attachment?
-A securely attached partner can provide consistent emotional support, helping the anxiously attached person feel more stable and secure, even though the fear of abandonment may still linger.
What is Nancy Ruth Dean’s personal experience with attachment styles?
-Nancy Ruth Dean shares that her father was avoidantly attached, which influenced her passion for understanding attachment styles. She also experienced anxious attachment in her past relationships, leading her to work on personal development before finding a secure relationship with her husband.
Outlines
💡 Introduction to Avoidant Attachment Styles
In this introductory section, Nancy Ruth Dean, a conscious breakup coach, welcomes viewers and introduces the topic of avoidant attachment styles. She explains that people watching might either identify with avoidant attachment or have experienced a relationship with someone who exhibits this style. Dean bases her discussion on the book 'Attached,' which explores attachment theory, and she emphasizes that the video will provide a brief overview of avoidant attachment. She also highlights secure attachment, where individuals had their emotional and physical needs consistently met, allowing them to trust and feel safe in the world.
🤲 The Impact of Anxious Attachment Style
This section focuses on anxious attachment styles, explaining how individuals with this style often experienced inconsistent love and attention from their caregivers. As a result, they developed fears of abandonment and tend to crave intimacy, becoming clingy or needy in relationships. Dean contrasts this with avoidant attachment, where individuals feel self-reliant and avoid emotional closeness due to childhood neglect or distant caregivers. She briefly touches on her personal experience with an avoidantly attached parent, which shaped her career focus.
💔 The Dynamic Between Anxious and Avoidant Attachment
Dean elaborates on the relationship dynamic between anxiously and avoidantly attached individuals, explaining that the former's need for intimacy and constant reassurance triggers the latter's fear of intimacy, causing them to withdraw. This push-pull dynamic is common, leading to frustration for both partners. She notes that anxiously attached individuals often wonder why their avoidant partners withdraw just when they need closeness the most, and Dean ties these patterns back to attachment theory.
⚖️ Misunderstanding Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
Here, Dean addresses common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. Avoidantly attached individuals are not 'bad people,' but their tendency to avoid intimacy can be challenging in relationships, especially for anxious partners. Drawing from her personal growth journey, Dean shares her past struggles in relationships with avoidant partners and her determination to find someone who could meet her emotional needs. She explains that avoidant individuals may either have few friends or many shallow connections, and they often avoid conflict due to a lack of self-reflection.
🔎 Avoidant Attachment and Lack of Self-Reflection
This segment dives deeper into the avoidant individual's lack of self-reflection. While anxiously attached individuals may seek personal development through books and videos, avoidantly attached individuals often avoid such introspection. Their fear of intimacy and emotional vulnerability means they tend to withdraw from deeper self-analysis, focusing instead on maintaining distance. Dean explains how this difference in self-awareness and emotional processing makes relationships with avoidant partners more complex for anxiously attached individuals.
🧠 The Impact of Fear and Intimacy on Avoidantly Attached Partners
Dean continues to explore how avoidant individuals' fear of intimacy affects their ability to engage in close, emotional relationships. She discusses the difficulty of establishing deep connections with avoidant partners and how this dynamic leaves anxious partners feeling like something essential is missing. The section also touches briefly on sexual intimacy, noting that while avoidant individuals may be passionate, this doesn't necessarily indicate emotional openness. The overall message is that emotional closeness is often inaccessible with avoidantly attached partners.
💪 Empowerment Through Self-Awareness and Secure Attachment
This section emphasizes the importance of self-awareness for anxiously attached individuals. Dean encourages them to seek securely attached partners who can provide the stability and support they need. She reassures viewers that avoidant attachment isn't something people choose, and there shouldn't be shame around it. Instead, anxiously attached individuals can empower themselves by recognizing what they need in a relationship and making conscious choices about the partners they select.
💍 Personal Growth and the Path to Secure Attachment
Dean shares her personal journey toward feeling secure in her marriage, though she acknowledges that her attachment wounds have not disappeared. She stresses the importance of having a partner who can support you through emotional challenges and attachment fears. Avoidantly attached individuals, in contrast, often struggle to offer this kind of support, making it essential for anxious partners to recognize when they need to move on from relationships that don't meet their emotional needs.
🌿 Compassion for Avoidantly Attached Individuals
Dean wraps up by encouraging compassion for avoidantly attached individuals, noting that attachment styles are not chosen but shaped by early experiences. She explains that avoidantly attached people often benefit from relationships with securely attached partners, who can help them overcome their fears of intimacy. Dean emphasizes that both partners must work toward building intimacy in a relationship, and anxiously attached individuals must recognize when their avoidant partners are not making the necessary efforts.
❤️ Closing Thoughts and the Importance of Understanding Attachment
In her closing remarks, Dean reflects on the importance of understanding attachment styles and having compassion for avoidantly attached partners. She urges viewers to communicate openly about their needs and to be mindful of their partner's willingness to work on the relationship. While it may be challenging, there are ways to build intimacy with avoidant partners if both individuals are committed to the process. Dean invites viewers to share their experiences and continue the conversation around attachment.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Avoidant Attachment Style
💡Anxious Attachment Style
💡Secure Attachment
💡Fear of Intimacy
💡Fear of Abandonment
💡Emotional Neglect
💡Personal Development
💡Attachment Theory
💡Inconsistent Parenting
💡Self-Reflection
Highlights
Introduction to avoidant attachment style and why people might be interested in learning about it.
Explanation of secure attachment: needs met emotionally and physically during childhood, leading to trust and freedom in adulthood.
Anxious attachment style overview: developed from inconsistent love, leading to fear of abandonment and a craving for intimacy.
Avoidant attachment style explained: belief that they cannot rely on others, rooted in repetitive neglect or emotionally unavailable caregivers.
The dynamic between anxiously attached and avoidantly attached partners: how the fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy interact.
People with avoidant attachment styles are not inherently bad, but their behavior can be damaging in relationships if not understood.
Avoidant attachment people struggle with intimacy and self-reflection, often becoming defensive and avoiding closeness.
Personal reflection: the speaker shares her experience of dating avoidantly attached partners and how it affected her emotionally.
Common traits of avoidantly attached people: limited close friendships or superficial relationships, struggles with conflict and intimacy.
Importance of finding a securely attached partner for those with anxious attachment to achieve stability and security.
Avoidantly attached people may not engage in self-reflection or personal development to the same extent as anxiously attached individuals.
Partners need to work together to build intimacy, with avoidantly attached people needing to make an effort to be present.
Partners who are avoidantly attached must want to improve for any intimacy-building process to succeed.
The book 'Attached' is frequently recommended as a resource for understanding attachment styles and navigating relationships.
Conclusion encourages compassion for avoidantly attached people and invites viewers to reflect on their own attachment styles.
Transcripts
hey there welcome back to my YouTube
channel my name is Nancy Ruth Dean I'm a
conscious breakup coach and today we are
talking about the avoidant attachment
style either you are watching this
because you yourself believe that you
might be avoidantly attached and you
want to know more about that or you
might be anxiously attached and just got
out of a relationship with somebody who
shows a lot of signs of avoidant
attachment and you just want to get more
resources you just want to learn more
this is going to be a shorter video just
to help you kind of dip your toes in the
water get a better sense but a lot of
what I'm going to be sharing with you is
from the book attach the new science
about attachment and how it can help you
find and keep love such a great book
um I recommend it to every single person
I work with if you've been following my
videos you know that I have been talking
about this book
so what does it mean to be avoidantly
attached well let's first talk about
what it means to be securely attached so
somebody that has a secure attachment
got their needs met both emotionally
physically if they cried their parents
picked them up they got attention they
got affection they felt like they could
really rely on their parents to be
responsive for their caregivers to be
responsive when they were in need they
grew up learning to trust the world
things were not so scary and they could
be free to spread their wings and knew
that they always had a safety net
but for those who have an anxious
attachment style yes we'll get to the
avoidant but those with an anxious
attachment Style
actually felt a level of inconsistency
with their love so they may have one or
more parents who gave them love but
maybe it wasn't to the extent that they
wanted maybe they had a really busy
parent and their parent just was unable
to give them all of that love or spend
that much time so they got some love but
it was very inconsistent and they grew
up just not knowing when they would get
that love and so they developed this
undercurrent of fear of Abandonment and
they tend to be like the clingy and the
needy version of the attachment style
we'll say like adding that label
and they want a lot of intimacy they
really crave intimacy as a result of
that inconsistency that they got when
they were young they now have this
almost like emotional hunger that they
consistently crave and
putting that aside for now we're going
to come back to that talking about
avoidantly attached people
what we really want to learn here is
that they have this undercurrent of you
know it's me against the world I cannot
rely on anybody I cannot rely on
anyone's support and I also don't really
give support either because I just don't
even know what that's like they have a
really deep sphere of intimacy and for
them this happened because they
experienced repetitive neglect maybe a
parent had an addiction or
were avoidantly attached themselves in
some way the child interpreted and grew
up that they could not rely on their
parents to support their emotional or
physical needs or maybe they had a
parent who just provided the physical
needs but did not provide anything
beyond that
uh I relate to that very deeply I would
say that my dad is very classically
avoidant and I think he has also his
classic avoidance has inspired me to
fall madly in love with attachment
Styles and helping women with anxious
attachment Styles so that's a little
side note about me but
what happens is we tend to people who
have anxious attachment Styles tend to
get in relationships with people with
avoidant attachment Styles because guess
what
the fear of Abandonment from the
anxiously attached partner
attracts the avoidantly attached partner
due to their fear of intimacy so
somebody with an anxious attachment
style when they feel like they need
they're craving that intimacy and that
constant communication and that constant
reassurance
they're they're wanting it from their
avoidantly attached partner well guess
what happens they're avoidantly attached
partner wants to step back because that
energy that emotional intimacy is
overwhelming for them so they pull away
so if you've dated somebody and you're
like why is it that I almost have this
sixth sense that when I almost need them
to be
fully there for me they're they're
unable to or why is it that I can date
people for a few weeks and then they
pull away well attachment Theory
attachment Styles might explain that
so people who have an avoidant
attachment style they are not bad people
but sometimes what can happen is they
can get a bad rep specifically because
of how they show up in relationships
because if we're people who have an
anxious attachment style and we don't
know we're dating somebody with an
avoidant attachment style it can be
quite damaging because the fears that
are playing out on a consistent regular
basis
is a lot to to deal with and as somebody
like I've shared I have had to do a lot
of work around me being anxiously
attached I'm now married but before I
found my husband I was very much on this
like personal development era of mine
where I was determined to figure out
like what was going on for me and why
did I keep dating avoidantly attached
partners because I really felt in my
heart of hearts that I deserved somebody
who could meet my needs that made me
feel stable where I didn't have to walk
on eggshells anymore but why is it that
I always attracted people who struggled
with commitment and people who made me
feel like a part-time girlfriend when I
wanted to be a wife and I wanted to
build a life together
what can happen when we're dating
somebody who's avoidantly attached is
because they have a fear of intimacy
there's a fear of this consistency being
able to be all in they might have
um not a ton of friends because it could
like having that closeness might not be
a thing or it can quite very well be the
opposite where they have a lot of
friends but they don't really go deep
with them at all they might struggle
with conflict because they tend to get
quite defensive because
because of the repetitive
nature of continuously not getting their
needs met when they were young
it was so painful for them that they put
it like at the back of their psyche and
they just don't do self-reflection
anymore and not to say that they can't
do any self-reflection but they don't do
a lot of it the way somebody anxiously
attached would right when we're
anxiously attached to talk about this
because I am a breakup coach I we tend
to go into like our personal development
era we tend to read all the books hours
of YouTube like all the time and then
somebody who hasn't avoidant attachment
style it's just not super into that
because self-reflection for them isn't
really something they want to spend
their time doing
so they don't dwell they tend to get a
little bit more defensive
um closeness and intimacy like I've been
sharing just that fear of intimacy
pushes them away from being able to
I guess experience that depth almost
and it's tough because when you have a
partner who either is secure anxiously
attached but they want to go deep and
that's just not available for somebody
avoidantly attached it can feel like
that closeness is not accessible like
you feel like there's something missing
here right and when I'm talking about
intimacy I'm not even talking about sex
but you might be wondering like okay
where does sex play into this some it
depends on the person like some people
can have a very
intimately
how do I say this it looks like they
have really good closeness and intimacy
because they're very passionate when it
comes to sex or they could be quite
removed right that depends on the person
but we can't assume that because
somebody is like more open and free in
the bedroom means that they're open and
free in their hearts as well but
sometimes that can be the case right so
I'm not going to be talking like a whole
lot about that because that's
um
I want to talk more about the overall
way that that a partner might be showing
up if they're avoidantly attached but I
think it's important to remember that
people who do have an avoidant
attachment style they didn't pick their
attachment style and they should not be
ashamed for their attachment style where
there is power and empowerment is for
people who are anxiously attached to
determine who is it that they want to
date from this moment forward if you
have the awareness and you really feel
that you are anxiously attached you
really could benefit from being with a
partner who is securely attached
and there are different signs to show if
somebody is securely attached but time
is also what's going to determine that
and it's important for us as anxiously
attached people
to be aware of like what we do want in a
partner and and where we can't
compromise anymore because
avoidantly attached Partners can play
out our deepest fears unless we
figure out a way to get to secure
attachment which I don't personally I
don't think is fully possible unless you
are born that way or unless you have a
partner who could help establish that
with you for me now being married I can
tell you that I feel incredibly
incredibly secure
but my fear of Abandonment my attachment
wounds like they have not left
but I've had my partner so beautifully
support me through it
so I don't want to sit here and be like
I'm 100 healed like it doesn't work that
way it's important for us to find
Partners who are really committed to
supporting us through our wounds and
sometimes when we date people who are
poignantly attached they're not about
that as you probably have learned or
experienced or know from being
avoidantly attached that that's just not
your bag and that's okay again the power
is knowing what you what you want what's
important to you and saying yes when
saying yes to Partners that that you do
feel can support you because they are
securely attached and saying no to
Partners that maybe you do have solid
chemistry with but you know they cannot
hold you and support you through this
um relationship that you crave and
desire most
so it is not about saying you know
avoidantly attached people are bad
because they're rude and they don't want
any intimacy no I have friends who are
avoidantly attached and I am obsessed
with them like I love them so much
because of what I've learned throughout
the years I I have learned in my own
unique way to really appreciate them for
who they are and what they bring to the
table and I every whenever they have a
relationship and it's working and it
feels very healthy I always know they're
with a securely attached partner and so
people who have an avoidant attachment
so I'll also need to move towards
somebody who has a secure attachment
because the last thing we want is to be
with Partners who play out our deepest
fears and don't really want to resolve
it or are unable to resolve it and
sometimes those are one and the same for
us who are anxiously attached
learning when our partner
could want to
help themselves but don't really show
any Improvement we need to kind of
really think about that if I'm being
honest with you
um I love in the book where it does say
that you know if if of course you've got
kids and you've got a family with
somebody who is avoidantly attached you
know you're not just gonna go and leave
that partner of course not you're gonna
learn ways that you're avoidantly
attached partner can move towards the
kind of intimacy that you need without
becoming overwhelmingly flooded so if
you are in a relationship with somebody
who is avoidantly attached there are
ways to build intimacy that will work
for you but it will take some some very
strong efforts on both of your parts
your avoidant partner has to want to
work on it right and so that's something
also very important to recognize because
as avoidantly attached to Partners we
tend to want to put in 200 of the work
and we have this thing where we learn
everything there is to know about
avoidance our avoidantly attached
partners and we go and we send the books
they don't read the books we have these
conversations and they turn around and
don't do anything about it right and
again it's that piece about
self-reflection they might do a little
bit of it but the sheer fact that you
could send them a book and believe that
they would want to read it that is an
act in and of itself of intimacy which
is why they're probably turning that
away
so that is that's my video for today I
think I'm going to stop it here let me
know what you think do are you finding
in your hearts like a place of of a part
of you that does have compassion for
people with an avoidant attachment style
or are you watching this and you're
avoidantly attached and want to share
any additional insight to this and
what's been helpful for you on your
journey thank you so much for tuning in
and I will see you in my next video
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