When The Fearful Avoidant Realizes They Lost You: Emotional Reactions & Breakup Coping

Summary

The video explains how individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style handle breakups, often oscillating between anxious and avoidant tendencies. Initially, they may distance themselves, numb their emotions, and self-soothe, but after a few weeks of no contact, they typically experience regret, curiosity, and anxiety. The video highlights the importance of working through core wounds before reconnecting with an ex to avoid repeating negative patterns. It also provides insights into the timeline of emotional shifts and suggests open communication, better boundaries, and personal growth for successful reconnection.

Takeaways

• 🔀 **Fearful Avoidants (FAs) have both anxious and avoidant sides**: Their behavior in relationships can switch depending on external factors and internal core wounds.
• ⚖️ **Balance between Anxious and Avoidant Sides**: Their responses to partners vary—if they feel suffocated, they lean into their avoidant side, and if they feel neglected, they become more anxious.
• 😵 **Initial Response to Breakups**: After a breakup, FAs typically move into their avoidant side, convincing themselves that the relationship was not right for them.
• 🚫 **Numbing Out**: FAs often numb their emotions using external distractions (e.g., partying, drinking, or other habits) as a way to self-soothe.
• 🔄 **3-6 Week Deactivation Period**: In the first 3 to 6 weeks post-breakup, FAs usually shut down emotionally and disconnect from their feelings.
• 💔 **Transition to Anxiety**: After the deactivation phase, if there’s no contact, they may swing to their anxious side, experiencing regret, curiosity, and self-blame.
• 🕰️ **Activation Phase (6 Weeks to 4 Months)**: FAs enter a period where they might become more open to reconnection, but this is dependent on whether the ex reaches out or not.
• 📅 **Total Post-Breakup Timeline**: It usually takes FAs around 5 months post-breakup to start healing and gaining closure if no reconnection happens.
• ⚠️ **Intermittent Reinforcement Issues**: Their inconsistent behaviors (loving one moment, distant the next) can create unhealthy dynamics for both parties.
• 🔧 **Reconnection Requires Change**: For successful reconnection, both parties must address past issues, establish better communication, and set healthy boundaries.

Q & A

What are the two sides of a Fearful Avoidant attachment style?

Fearful Avoidants have both an anxious side and an avoidant side. These sides are triggered by external factors and core wounds, and they determine how a Fearful Avoidant behaves in a relationship.

What causes a Fearful Avoidant to lean more into their avoidant side?

A Fearful Avoidant may lean into their avoidant side when they feel someone is becoming too codependent or enmeshed. This triggers core wounds related to feeling trapped, helpless, or betrayed, leading them to withdraw.

How does a Fearful Avoidant typically react after a breakup?

After a breakup, a Fearful Avoidant usually enters their avoidant side, convincing themselves they don't need the person and using distractions like drinking or partying to numb their emotions. This phase typically lasts 3-6 weeks.

What happens to a Fearful Avoidant after the initial 3-6 week period of deactivation?

After the 3-6 week deactivation period, if there’s no contact from their ex, the Fearful Avoidant often shifts into their anxious side, where they may feel regret, curiosity, self-blame, and wonder if they made a mistake.

What can prevent a Fearful Avoidant from reaching out during the anxious phase after a breakup?

Even during the anxious phase, Fearful Avoidants may still avoid reaching out due to their fear of vulnerability and their tendency to not express their emotions outwardly.

How long does the anxious phase typically last for a Fearful Avoidant?

The anxious phase usually lasts between 6 weeks and 3-4 months, during which a Fearful Avoidant may start missing their ex and feeling conflicted about the breakup.

What is the ideal time to reconnect with a Fearful Avoidant after a breakup?

The best time to reconnect with a Fearful Avoidant is after about 6 weeks of no contact. During this time, both individuals should work on themselves and reprogram their core wounds to prepare for a healthier dynamic.

What should be discussed if reconnecting with a Fearful Avoidant after a breakup?

If reconnecting, it's important to have open conversations about what went wrong, set new boundaries, and ensure that both parties have worked on their issues to avoid repeating the same patterns.

What does a Fearful Avoidant typically want during the reconnection phase?

During the reconnection phase, a Fearful Avoidant may want to act like they are in a relationship without committing to it. They may avoid commitment discussions to prevent feeling overwhelmed and returning to their avoidant side.

How does a Fearful Avoidant process the loss of a relationship long-term?

After 5 months or so, if no reconnection happens, Fearful Avoidants typically move on and find closure. They work through their feelings and eventually transition into different relationships or friendships.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Understanding the Fearful Avoidant's Reaction to Breakups

The paragraph addresses how fearful avoidant attachment types react to breakups. It explains that they are a blend of anxious and avoidant behaviors, triggered by external factors and internal wounds, such as fears of being trapped, powerless, or abandoned. Fearful avoidants might oscillate between anxious and avoidant sides based on their partner's behavior. This dynamic causes difficulty in relationships as their attachment style creates inconsistent reactions, such as showing affection and then pulling away. After a breakup, they usually lean into their avoidant side, trying to self-soothe by convincing themselves the relationship wasn't right, while engaging in numbing behaviors like partying or drinking.

05:02

😶 The Fearful Avoidant's Numbing Phase After Breakup

This paragraph explains how fearful avoidants typically go through a three to six-week period of emotional numbing post-breakup, where they deactivate their feelings and avoid processing the loss. If there is no contact with their ex during this phase, they may eventually shift to their anxious side, experiencing regret and curiosity about the breakup. This anxious phase, lasting six weeks to three or four months, can lead to feelings of self-blame and wondering if the breakup was a mistake. If contact is reinitiated, the fearful avoidant may shift back into avoidance, resetting this emotional cycle.

🛑 Reconnecting with a Fearful Avoidant – Guidelines for Success

This section offers advice on reconnecting with a fearful avoidant after a breakup. It stresses the importance of not rushing back into the relationship without addressing underlying issues. Effective reconnection involves open communication, boundary-setting, and personal growth. The speaker advises waiting six weeks of no contact to allow both individuals to reflect on their needs, heal core wounds, and consider what changes are necessary for a successful reunion. The paragraph also highlights the importance of proper timing and momentum when reconnecting to avoid triggering the fearful avoidant's avoidant side.

⏳ Timing and Progression in Reconnection Phases

This paragraph delves into the appropriate time frame for having meaningful discussions with a fearful avoidant after a breakup. The ideal period for these conversations is during the eight weeks after reconnection, following the initial six-week no-contact phase. The fearful avoidant may want to act like they're in a relationship during this period but may avoid discussions about commitment, which could reactivate their avoidance. Gradually building momentum and addressing previous communication and boundary issues is essential to ensuring a healthier relationship moving forward.

💭 Long-Term Feelings of Fearful Avoidants After a Breakup

The final paragraph focuses on the long-term feelings of fearful avoidants post-breakup. If no reconnection occurs, they often experience a phase of regret, although they are unlikely to express vulnerability or communicate their feelings. They typically go through six weeks of convincing themselves that they are better off, followed by a period of missing their ex. This phase can last about three to four months, after which they generally move on, heal, and form new relationships or friendships to meet their emotional needs.

📚 Resources and Additional Support for Fearful Avoidant Reconnection

In conclusion, the speaker offers additional resources for those trying to reconnect with a fearful avoidant. A course on reconnecting with different attachment styles is mentioned, along with a free 14-day trial. The speaker encourages viewers to take advantage of this offer to gain further insight into their relationship dynamics. The video ends with an invitation to subscribe for more content on attachment styles and personal growth in relationships.

Keywords

💡Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Fearful avoidant attachment is an attachment style characterized by a blend of anxious and avoidant behaviors. Individuals with this attachment style experience conflicting desires for closeness and independence, which often leads to push-pull dynamics in relationships. In the script, this attachment style is central to how the individual processes breakups, alternating between avoidance and anxious behaviors.

💡Core Wounds

Core wounds refer to deeply ingrained emotional fears or traumas that influence a person’s behavior in relationships. For fearful avoidants, these wounds include fears of abandonment, betrayal, and feeling trapped or powerless. These wounds shape their anxious and avoidant responses during breakups, as explained when the script discusses how different triggers activate these wounds.

💡Avoidant Side

The avoidant side is the part of the fearful avoidant attachment where the individual distances themselves from intimacy or emotional vulnerability. This side is often activated in response to fears of being overwhelmed or trapped in a relationship. In the video, the avoidant side comes up post-breakup when the individual tries to self-soothe by convincing themselves the relationship wasn't right.

💡Anxious Side

The anxious side refers to the opposite behavior of the avoidant side, where the individual seeks closeness and fears abandonment. For a fearful avoidant, this side may be triggered by fears of rejection or not being good enough. After a period of avoidance following a breakup, the script explains how fearful avoidants often shift into their anxious side, experiencing regret and curiosity about their ex.

💡Deactivation

Deactivation is a defense mechanism used by fearful avoidants to numb their emotions and detach from feelings after a breakup. This period often lasts for three to six weeks, during which they convince themselves that they don’t need the relationship anymore. It is mentioned as a phase where they might indulge in distractions like partying or other creature comforts.

💡Reactivation

Reactivation refers to the emotional reawakening that happens after the deactivation phase, where the individual begins to feel regret or longing for their ex. In the script, this process typically occurs after a few weeks of no contact, causing the person to shift into their anxious side and reconsider the relationship.

💡Intermittent Reinforcement

Intermittent reinforcement is a psychological phenomenon where inconsistent rewards or attention strengthen behaviors. In relationships, it refers to how a fearful avoidant may provide love and warmth intermittently, causing their partner to chase after the positive reinforcement. This dynamic is likened to gambling addiction in the script, as it keeps the other person engaged despite emotional volatility.

💡Self-Soothing

Self-soothing involves using coping mechanisms to calm oneself, especially after emotional distress. Fearful avoidants engage in self-soothing post-breakup through avoidance strategies, like distracting themselves with activities or convincing themselves they’re better off. In the script, this behavior is described as a way to numb their emotions during the deactivation phase.

💡No Contact

No contact refers to the deliberate strategy of avoiding communication with an ex after a breakup. In the script, this period is crucial for the fearful avoidant to process their feelings. It is also during this phase that they switch between deactivation and reactivation, and no contact often intensifies the emotional shifts they experience.

💡Reprogramming

Reprogramming is the process of addressing and healing core wounds or harmful attachment patterns. In the script, it is recommended for fearful avoidants to undergo reprogramming to stop the exhausting cycle of switching between anxious and avoidant behaviors. This involves working through core fears and developing healthier relationship dynamics.

Highlights

Fearful avoidants have both an anxious and avoidant side, which is triggered by external factors and core wounds.

Fearful avoidants may like someone but become avoidant if they feel the relationship is moving too fast or is becoming codependent.

When a fearful avoidant is with someone more dismissive, they can become more anxious and triggered by abandonment wounds.

Fearful avoidants often move between their anxious and avoidant sides, creating intermittent reinforcement for their partner.

After a breakup, fearful avoidants typically enter a phase of deactivation, convincing themselves that they don't need the relationship.

During the deactivation phase, fearful avoidants may numb their feelings through distractions like drinking or partying.

A common deactivation period for fearful avoidants lasts about three to six weeks, during which they distance themselves emotionally.

After the deactivation phase, fearful avoidants often swing into an anxious phase, where they experience regret and curiosity about their ex.

Fearful avoidants may not reach out during the anxious phase, even if they experience self-blame or wonder if they made a mistake.

If no contact is made, the anxious phase can last between six weeks to three to four months after the breakup.

Fearful avoidants are often interested in reconnecting during this period of anxiety, but communication needs to improve for a healthy relationship.

Fearful avoidants may want to act like they're in a relationship during the reconnection phase without committing fully.

Discussing boundaries and communication is essential before getting back together with a fearful avoidant to avoid repeating past mistakes.

If no reconnection occurs, fearful avoidants eventually process the loss within five months post-breakup and move on.

During the reconnection phase, it is crucial to build momentum through open dialogue, without rushing back into commitment.

Transcripts

the question I get asked all the time

from people is when the fearful

avoidance realizes that they lost you

what happens how do they feel and how do

they process this

[Music]

so obviously this sort of begs the

question how does the fearful avoid an

attachment style deal with a breakup

first and foremost and I think one of

the first things that you really want to

recognize is that fearful avoidance have

both an anxious side and an avoidance

side and this anxious or avoidant side

that they are operating in more often is

going to be largely determined by their

external factors and how that triggers

their internal core wounds so for

example a fear of Floyd and could really

like somebody and be super interested in

them but if that person is trying to

become codependent or too enmeshed or

move too quickly the core wounds or

fears of an anxious preoccupied of being

trapped or helpless or powerless in the

wrong situation or stuck there or being

betrayed by the wrong person these are

the things on their more avoidant side

of their wounding that are going to be

triggered so even if somebody seems

great for the fearful avoidance they're

really interested in them they're going

to end up moving more into their

avoidance side because of those

different triggers that are coming up on

the flip side of that if a fearful

avoidant is with somebody who's more

dismissive to them than they are to

other people when they're in their

dismissive avoidance side then instead

it's going to polarize the fearful

avoidant to become more anxious and in

that case what you're going to see is

that those abandonment core wounds the

fear of being alone

um being rejected not good enough these

sorts of wounds are going to come up and

dictate their behaviors now obviously in

in a perfect world we'd love for a

fearful avoidant and if you are the

fearful when listening to do the

reprogramming on those wounds because

it's a painful thing to go through and

to go back and forth between those sides

all the time is exhausting for you more

than anybody but also it can be tough on

loved ones because there ends up being

this element of intermittent

reinforcement which is actually part of

what gamblers get addicted to

um that intermittency of the reward

right like for a fearful avoidance

sometimes you're loving and you're warm

and you know at your best and other

times you can really pull away suddenly

out of the blue and it can cause that

person to be like oh my gosh you know

where did that go and to sort of chase

after that individual so because of this

intermittent reinforcement we can see

different Dynamics here but what you

want to recognize and why I'm explaining

the anxious and avoidant side is that

when a fearful avoidant first goes

through a breakup more often than not

they go into their avoidance side

and they tend to try to convince

themselves as sort of a self-soothing

technique that like it wasn't the right

relationship they don't need that person

any longer it wasn't going to work

anyways and they'll go into their

avoidance side and they will actually

have those wounds come up and when

somebody's in there more avoid inside

they tend to comfort and soothe through

Creature Comforts more frequently in

this case in particular you'll see if

you're full wouldn't usually end up like

numbing out maybe drinking maybe

partying more often maybe smoking like

whatever it is something to just

basically distract themselves from what

they're feeling while convincing

themselves that like life is much better

now that they're free however refurbable

avoidance in particular there tends to

be a three to six week period of extreme

deactivation where they kind of numb out

their feelings and try to convince

themselves they don't really feel

anything at all and then if there's no

contact so if there is like no

communication with the ex during that

time the X isn't reaching out there's

nothing to polarize them or sort of

force them into that more inside so what

happens just as a byproduct is there's

sort of this Boomerang effect where

after that three to six week period ends

then the fearful avoid might go more

into their anxious side which I see

happen the vast majority of the time and

in that anxious side those core wounds

will be triggered where they may

actually experience regret

curiosity wondering

um if you know somebody might want to

get back together with them if they made

a mistake wondering what that person is

doing that's their ex

um even like self-blame can be a big

theme at that point however if your

blood still may not want to reach out so

after that three to six week sort of

deactivation piece often I see fearful

avoidance move into a six week to about

three months or four months activation

side particularly if there's no contact

again that will be broken generally and

they'll go back to deactivating if the X

reaches out like before that six week

Mark

um and so it's in that space that if

you're following may be most interested

in getting back together now I want to

say a few quick things here and we're

going to go through like how to tell

we're going to talk about um what you

need to know

um both as the fearful avoidant or acts

of a fearful one if you're considering

getting back together I will say that

one of the first and most important

things is not to just jump back into a

relationship for the sake of it if

you're going to consider getting back

together with somebody it should be that

you understand new things that you

didn't before you're willing to have

different types of conversations where

with more open communication with better

boundaries like there's so many

important things here

um to discuss because I personally

wouldn't advocate for anybody to just be

in a painful situation break up get back

together without changing things because

you're just more likely to get to a

painful breakup again but I also very

much understand there's a lot of people

out here who are like watching these

videos every day doing reprogramming

work all these sorts of things I do have

if you want to do a deeper dive and I'll

still explain some stuff in just a

moment but

I do have a course it's all about

reconnecting with an fa um we actually

have these for all the different

attachment Styles and like what's

important how to tell if it's the right

you know choice to reconnect with

somebody

um what to look for what to do

differently how the reconnection should

go and I'll put the link to that course

down below

um and it is free for 14 days so more

than enough time to get through that

entire reconnection roadmap with a

fearful avoidance

um and it also gives you access to

everything at PDS for the next 14 days

as well for free

um and so you know moving back to this

idea is once you have these

conversations about is it gonna work can

we do this like is this the right

relationship to be in once those things

are really

um you know discussed essentially the

best time to discuss them is not right

after you get back in contact so you

first want to wait that that six weeks

essentially of no contact after the

breakup to do this to the work for

yourself right to really dig in and be

like who am I what do I want what wasn't

working is it workable the next time

around there really digging into like

reprogramming your core wounds your

fears meeting your own needs learning to

be in this relationship to yourself

again and if you feel like you really

grew during that time and could see a

different approach and a different path

of doing things that's when it becomes a

really good time to have a different

discussion and at that point in

particular there's generally this like

eight week phase once you start speaking

with a fearful avoidant acts again where

they still you know we sort of joke

about this sometimes with all the

respects of fearful avoidance but

um if your boyfriends want to like act

like they're in a relationship without

being in a relationship during the

reconnection phase they want to you know

hang out be there but not have these

like commitment oriented discussions

because going back to what we talked

about at the very start of this video

those commitment oriented discussions

will just polarize them back into the

avoidant side again so there needs to be

this kind of building of momentum this

open conversation set of dialogues

around things and in that eight weeks of

reconnecting after that six weeks of no

contact that tends to be where it's

really important to have those

discussions what can we do differently

how are we not communicating properly

the first time what boundaries do we

need what changes would we need to make

if we were going to try this again and

having those discussions allows you to

actually have a healthy future ahead of

you in the relationship dynamic if there

is no reconnection that ever happens

and the fearful avoidance just realizes

they lost you as a whole there will be

this kind of often regret period if your

full avoidant has but keep in mind

fearful avoid and still don't want to be

vulnerable so they may not externalize

that they may not express that to you or

let you know and what I'll generally see

is there's like the six weeks first of

no contact six weeks pureful wouldn't

convinces themselves all is good they're

in a better space now they have their

freedom then they reactivate then they

have about six weeks to about three to

four months of kind of missing their

acts and wondering what if

um and whether they reach out or not

during that time depends on many

different factors but after that four

month Mark post six weeks so we're

looking at like three to four months

after that first initial six weeks

you're looking at you know in total

um around five or so months after the

relationship ends at that point for a

full avoidance tend to make a turnaround

and

um you know heal and uh work through

things and you know move on to different

relationship Dynamics or discussions or

friendships or different ways of

essentially getting their needs met and

sort of have more closure but I do find

that that's sort of the the span of time

but more often than not takes

um so hopefully this was helpful for you

again if you want to go through that

reconnection course for free for 14 days

I put the link down below I know so many

people ask questions about it so I was

like I'm just gonna make a course out of

it

um so you can always check that out

and I hope you enjoy this channel if you

are enjoying and want to hit the like

button or subscribe I would always super

appreciate that and thank you so much

for stopping by and I'm looking forward

to seeing you in future videos