Reject Hedonism and Raise Antifragile Kids
Summary
TLDRThis video discusses the pursuit of happiness and the importance of finding deeper, lasting meaning beyond fleeting pleasures. Drawing on philosophy, psychology, and scientific research, it contrasts hedonism with eudaimonia, where true joy comes from purpose-driven actions. The conversation highlights the role of emotions, particularly the value of experiencing and coping with negative ones, to build emotional resilience. Concepts like antifragility and functional emotions are introduced, showing how enduring hardships helps individuals grow stronger. It also explores supportive parenting techniques to help children manage anxiety by gradually facing fears instead of being overprotected.
Takeaways
- 😊 Chasing happiness through external achievements or material gains is fleeting; true happiness stems from purpose and meaning.
- 📚 Eudaimonic happiness, rooted in meaning and purpose, contrasts with hedonistic happiness, which is focused on pleasure and avoidance of pain.
- 🧠 Research shows that engaging in activities with purpose, even small daily tasks, significantly boosts joy and well-being.
- ⚖️ Hedonistic pursuits like partying or pleasure-seeking don’t necessarily bring happiness and can be ephemeral at best.
- 🌱 Focusing on personal purpose and meaningful goals leads to enduring happiness, helping individuals move beyond daily stress and uncertainty.
- 👩👧 Parents should help their children experience and cope with negative emotions rather than protecting them from hardship, as this builds emotional resilience.
- 💪 Emotions are antifragile, meaning that by experiencing and enduring difficult emotions, we develop the skills to manage them better in the future.
- 🛠️ Overprotecting children from challenges (e.g., snowplow parenting) prevents them from developing necessary emotional coping skills.
- 👨👧👦 Supportive parenting for anxious children (SPACE therapy) helps parents gradually guide their kids through their anxieties, leading to significant reductions in anxiety without direct therapy for the children.
- 🏗️ Emotional development requires careful scaffolding by parents, where challenges are introduced gradually to build resilience over time.
Q & A
What is the difference between hedonic and eudaimonic happiness?
-Hedonic happiness is centered around seeking pleasure and avoiding pain, while eudaimonic happiness is derived from finding purpose, meaning, and fulfillment in life. Eudaimonia focuses on long-lasting contentment and personal growth.
Why is the pursuit of happiness through external goals considered ephemeral?
-External goals, like acquiring material possessions, provide temporary satisfaction but eventually fade, leading to the need for more. Lasting happiness comes from finding deeper, purpose-driven meaning rather than chasing fleeting pleasures.
What research supports the idea that focusing on purpose leads to greater happiness?
-Research, such as daily diary studies, shows that when people focus on meaningful goals, being generous, or contributing to others, their joy and well-being increase significantly. In contrast, focusing on hedonistic activities often brings little to no long-term happiness.
How does the concept of antifragility relate to emotional growth?
-Antifragility refers to the idea that adversity strengthens us. Just as muscles grow stronger with use, emotions develop through experiencing and overcoming negative feelings. Avoiding emotions stifles growth, while facing them helps build resilience.
What is the role of parents in helping children deal with difficult emotions?
-Parents should prepare children to experience and endure negative emotions rather than protect them from them. Teaching children to handle adversity helps them build emotional regulation skills, making them more resilient.
What is the SPACE program, and how does it help with childhood anxiety?
-SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) trains parents to gradually support their anxious children by exposing them to situations that cause anxiety in small, manageable steps. It helps children build resilience and reduce anxiety without direct therapy.
Why is it important for children to experience adversity according to the antifragility theory?
-Experiencing adversity is crucial for children’s development because it teaches them how to cope with challenges. Without adversity, they cannot build the emotional strength needed to handle life's difficulties.
How does avoiding negative emotions impact a person’s life according to the transcript?
-Avoiding negative emotions limits a person’s ability to experience joy and engage in meaningful activities. Over time, this avoidance leads to a restricted life where opportunities for growth, happiness, and fulfillment are missed.
How does supporting a child differ from being a snowplow or curling parent?
-Supporting a child means guiding them through difficulties rather than removing all obstacles. Snowplow or curling parents try to clear the path ahead of their children, which can prevent them from developing the necessary skills to face challenges independently.
Why is it important to balance support and challenge in a child’s life?
-Balancing support and challenge is essential because it helps children develop the ability to face and overcome difficulties. Too much protection can make children emotionally fragile, while carefully guided challenges foster resilience and self-reliance.
Outlines
🔎 The Chase for Meaningful Happiness
The speaker argues that chasing happiness through material achievements is futile because these things are ephemeral. Drawing on both scientific research and ancient philosophy, the speaker highlights the concept of 'eudaimonic' happiness, which is grounded in purpose and meaning rather than fleeting pleasures. This concept, associated with Aristotle, contrasts with 'hedonism,' where short-term pleasures don't lead to sustained happiness. The speaker explains that focusing on purpose, even in small ways, can lead to long-term joy. Research shows that while hedonism may provide temporary satisfaction, it doesn't contribute to deep happiness. The speaker emphasizes the importance of teaching children to find purpose and meaning in life, particularly in uncertain times.
🤔 Embracing Functional Emotions for Growth
The speaker introduces the idea of 'functional emotions,' stating that no emotion is inherently bad. Negative emotions, such as fear or sadness, serve as crucial learning tools, preparing individuals to cope with life's challenges. Instead of shielding children from these feelings, parents should help them endure and learn from them. The speaker mentions the concept of 'antifragility,' which suggests that humans grow stronger through adversity. Just as muscles need stress to grow, emotions need to be experienced to develop emotional resilience. Overprotection, the speaker argues, leads to emotional atrophy, making people avoid challenging situations altogether, which ultimately limits their potential for joy and fulfillment.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Eudaimonism
💡Hedonism
💡Functional Emotion Theory
💡Antifragility
💡Snowplow Parenting
💡Resilience
💡Supportive Parenting
💡Avoidance Behavior
💡Meaning-making
💡Emotional Regulation
Highlights
The chase for happiness isn't a race to nowhere because setting happiness by a goal of getting something is fleeting. True happiness comes from enduring purpose and meaning.
Eudaimonic happiness, which is based on purpose and meaning, contrasts with hedonic happiness, which focuses on amplifying pleasure and avoiding pain.
Research shows that focusing on purpose and meaningful activities, no matter how small, leads to higher joy, as opposed to hedonistic activities, which often don't predict happiness.
Enduring emotions like joy come from anchoring yourself in a purpose greater than immediate gratification.
For young people today facing uncertainty, it's essential to help them find purpose, as the traditional American Dream is less attainable.
The concept of functional emotions suggests that no emotion is inherently bad; emotions are needed as training grounds for resilience and growth.
Supporting children in feeling bad emotions, rather than shielding them, helps them persist through adversity and builds emotional resilience.
The theory of antifragility is crucial: humans grow stronger through adversity, not just by bouncing back but by learning and growing from challenges.
Avoiding emotional stress deprives individuals of the opportunity to build resilience, which can lead to avoidance behavior and missing out on meaningful experiences.
Parents who constantly protect their children from adversity hinder their ability to cope with life’s challenges and build emotional strength.
The concept of antifragility is applicable to emotions—without feeling negative emotions, children won't learn how to regulate and cope with them.
Research from the Yale Child Study Center shows that when parents are trained to stop snowplowing their children's challenges, children show clinical reductions in anxiety.
Parents trained in supportive techniques, like gradually exposing children to stressors, help reduce childhood anxiety without the need for direct therapy.
The space program teaches parents to gradually support children in overcoming anxiety, leading to significant improvements in both children's and parents' well-being.
Antifragility isn't just about survival, it's about growth—building emotional, physical, and mental resilience by enduring and learning from challenges.
Transcripts
why is the chase for happiness not like
a race to nowhere because as soon as you
don't if if that's um if you're
setting Happiness by a goal of getting
something getting things are ephemeral I
mean this isn't just science this is
like like philosophy and and religion
and spirituality for the past like the
history of human wisdom let me boil that
down for you if I may let's do it but no
but to put a scientific uh candy cat on
but I will put a little scientific candy
cat there's this great actually when I
went to the University of Rochester
there was this um there's a lot of there
was a lot of work coming out of there on
um on sort of this this Theory these
theories about meaning making in life
and there's this idea it's called UD
demonism yeah which you might know in
contrast to Hedonism where really the
thing that makes this is like emonic
happiness is this Aristotle is this
Aristotle I think it was Aristotle yeah
and the thing here is that you're not
basing happiness or or self on something
that you can achieve but then is
eventually going to go away you're
basing it on these more enduring purpose
meaning anchored kinds of things so um
and they do research on this all the
time where they ask people even in in in
Daily diary studies um how much time did
you spend today you know um being
generous to someone or thinking about
goals that really matter to you or you
know think you know it's just kind of
anchoring yourself in purpose not even a
grand one just something that gives you
meaning in life outside your little self
and then you ask people well how much
time did you devote to heathenism you
know uh amplifying pleasure and avoiding
pain whether that's like going to a
party or doing drugs or sex or whatever
it is and you ask people and what some
of this research finds is Hedonism it
sometimes predicts like less happiness
but often doesn't predict anything
you're just doing it it's certainly not
bringing you happiness but maybe it's
not making miserable who knows ephemeral
at best ephemeral at best but every time
you are spending more time focusing not
on what I need to feel good but rather
what why am I on this planet or what's
something that's really meaningful me to
me to do today joy skyrockets and it's
it's just I I just think it's something
that you that's enduring and it helps us
move beyond the concerns and for kids
today uncertainty the American Dreams
crumbling maybe they're maybe they don't
have stability in other areas we need to
help them find that purpose you
mentioned a concept this notion of a of
functional emotions the functional
emotion Theory and I understand that
you've got uh you know I think maybe you
said that was it appraisal and action
Readiness or that these there's these
two concepts so break this down for me
because you
know we've got these goals for
fulfillment you demonic or otherwise we
want to live a meaningful life we want
our kids to have some kind of success
yes whatever that means whatever that
means you know because we can't there's
no here's the definition of success that
doesn't really exist but we have pretty
good like
80% definitions Havey family live a long
life be healthy yeah um but where does
this functional theory of emotion fit
into that path for us and what are these
tools how do you understand this I I
think the first thing that comes to mind
as you ask that question and connecting
with success is that the only way we can
help and support our kids in feeling
good in finding success finding their
meaning is to help them feel bad is to
help them feel the bad emotions is to
help them endure them is to help them
know that it that
actually these are the TR these emotions
that you're feeling now are not things
to be destroyed but are the training
ground for
you to learn to persist in the face of
adversity to cope because life is going
to throw you things so so I feel that um
with functional emotions this idea that
no emotion is bad that we need the
emotions that we parents can then take a
stance of you know I need to actually
prepare my kids for these feelings not
protect them from it this is a big theme
Here we did this film with uh Lenor
skenazy the the world's worst mom about
letting her kid take the subway when
when he was nine like Izzy and um and
being called the world's worst mom on
the media for doing that we're here in
New York City I think in some ways this
might be the capital of snow plow
parenting which is to say not merely
being a helicopter but also having like
a forward Advanced troop to like make
sure there's no obstacles to getting
into columia you're in you're in
kindergarten and how am I thinking how
are you going to get into Harvard when
you're when you're like picking your
nose and finger painting in Canada they
call it curling parents which is so
fantastic if you know curers that's
right they're because they're sweeping
and right so what you're saying is like
the opposite so why is that important
why why you know let's imagine for a
second that I'm skeptical of you which
I'm not but let's imagine I'm like no I
want to help hey I've made I've been
successful I can help my kid why
shouldn't I help my kid yeah so why why
not um scientifically scientifically uh
there is a concept called antifragility
which I'm sure you've heard of yeah um
that's one good place to start there's
so many I mean that there's so many
reasons but that's one so an fragility
as you know is this idea that um not
only can we be resilient and bounce back
from adversity but when we're
antifragile we actually grow stronger
because of it so it's this Nim Nicholas
TB idea that he was you know he's like
economics and business but really humans
are antifragile on so many levels so the
immune system is antifragile because if
you don't throw germs and bacteria at it
it will never learn to mount an immune
response will be The Boy in the Plastic
Bubble which you and I know from Our
Generation Um and for those that watch
sign F goog go Bubble Boy it's great
it's a great
episode um and muscles are antifragile
right unless you stress and strain them
they'll atrophy you'll never grow strong
now you also don't go from never working
out to working out for eight hours at
the gym right at the same time so
there's this idea that when you're
antifragile you build that strength our
emotions are antifragile and that's the
key interesting okay I've never I
haven't really thought of it this way
yeah so if never feel an emotion or
aren't allowed to because you're
protected from it you will never have
the training ground to actually build
the skills to regulate that emotion to
cope with it to endure it and you will
start to design your whole life around
never feeling those emotions because you
won't have the skills Yeah you mentioned
earlier and um and Dr Ortiz said I
talked about this quite a bit in our
conversation with him uh this avoidance
behavior just like you end up avoiding
life I'm just going to avoid all the
things that are hard which means I'm
going to avoid all the things that are
worth doing that's absolutely right cuz
once you cut off one you know limb of
emotion like the the the horrible
feelings you're going to start cutting
off Joy you're going to start cutting
off possibility and so that's why we
need to and again it's doesn't mean we
have to you know throw them into the
deep end that like going from zero to 10
hours in the gym rather it means that
we're partners with them that we
actually scaffold and support them there
there's this great research coming out
of the yell child child study center you
might have heard of
um there's a treatment that Ellie
libowitz and his colleagues have
developed called space it's called
supportive parenting for anxious
childhood emotions and we know that for
for anxiety disorders and kids the gold
standard is cognitive behavioral therapy
and they do like six to 12 weeks and
they're in the and they're you know
they're learning all these new skills um
It's very effective what lioz and
colleagues did is to give the kids no
therapy and just give the parents
therapy and it was essentially parent
training where they taught parents to
stop being snowplow parents
and it's not just snowplow because I
don't even mean that in a derogatory way
really what an parents of anxious kids
do is we worry about them and we try to
protect them and so when they don't want
to go to school because they're so
anxious we're like that's okay it's been
hard and I want to um so what space does
is it teaches parents to slowly and
gradually support them in getting to
school and maybe that means going to the
bus one day and coming back home and
then maybe you just go to the
principal's office one day and then you
come back home and then you're building
slowly to being able to sit in a class
and then eventually get there that's
what the parents were taught for 6 weeks
and they looked at the kids anxiety
levels pre- and post and kids who
received no therapy but their parents
got space had clinical reductions in
anxiety dis I mean they literally went
to subclinical levels of anxiety at the
same rates as if they'd gotten therapy
themselves and parents felt less anxious
so they felt better too if you like this
clip you should check out the full video
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