Adopting a child of a different race? Let's talk | Susan Devan Harness | TEDxMileHigh

Summary

In this powerful talk, the speaker shares her journey as a transracial adoptee, exploring the complexities of identity and belonging. She recounts her experiences of feeling disconnected from her Native American roots and the challenges she faced growing up in a predominantly white community. The speaker advocates for open adoption practices that allow children to maintain connections with their birth families and cultures, emphasizing the importance of understanding one's heritage for mental and emotional well-being.

Takeaways

• 🍀 The speaker fondly recalls childhood memories with her adoptive mother, including searching for four-leaf clovers and the moment she complimented her mother's skin.
• 👶 The speaker has known she was adopted since early childhood and shared this with her friends in a humorous anecdote.
• 🏡 The concept of being removed from her birth family and the lifelong severing of ties is questioned by the speaker, who experienced this as a transracial adoptee.
• 👧 The speaker felt a lack of identity and belonging growing up, not looking like her parents or anyone in her community.
• 💔 A painful childhood memory involved being called a derogatory term by a friend, highlighting the speaker's struggle with racial identity.
• 🎨 A poignant moment where the speaker's adoptive father painted a statue to look like the 'ideal' daughter, revealing his subconscious preferences.
• 🧍‍♀️ The speaker's realization that her achievements and activities couldn't shield her from the reality of being American Indian.
• 👵 The process of reconnecting with her birth family began with a social worker and led to an emotional family reunion.
• 🌐 The speaker discusses the complexities of transracial adoption, acknowledging its benefits but also the high costs to the adoptee's self-esteem and sense of belonging.
• 🌈 The importance of prospective parents asking themselves why they want to adopt, with a critique of superficial or racist motivations.
• 🔓 The speaker advocates for open adoption over closed adoption, emphasizing the importance of identity and belonging for the child.
• 🌟 Examples are given from New Zealand and customary adoption practices that show how both adoptive and birth families can enrich a child's life.

Q & A

What was the speaker's earliest memory of realizing she was adopted?

The speaker's earliest memory of realizing she was adopted was when she was in first grade and her friends asked her where she was born. She replied with her standard response that she was adopted.

Why did the speaker's mother want to find four-leaf clovers?

The speaker's mother wanted to find four-leaf clovers because she believed that finding one would bring luck, as it is commonly associated with good fortune.

How did the speaker describe her experience growing up in a transracial adoptive family?

The speaker described her experience as complicated. She felt a lack of belonging and identity, did not look like her parents or anyone in her community, and faced harsh words and bigotry as she grew older.

What was the significance of the term 'squaw' used by Victor?

The term 'squaw' used by Victor was derogatory and offensive, indicating a negative and disrespectful way of referring to a Native American woman. The speaker knew it wasn't a compliment.

Why did the speaker's father paint the statue of a toddler with blond hair and blue eyes?

The speaker's father painted the statue of a toddler with blond hair and blue eyes because he had always wanted a daughter with those features, reflecting a desire for a stereotypically 'white' appearance.

What did the speaker mean when she said she wanted to find her birth family?

The speaker wanted to find her birth family to understand her heritage, to have someone who looked like her, and to learn what it meant to be American Indian from a personal and cultural perspective.

How did the speaker's adoptive father react when she asked about her real parents?

The speaker's adoptive father reacted with anger, asserting that he and his wife were her real parents and emphasizing their role in providing for her, rather than her biological parents.

What was the impact of the social worker showing the speaker her adoption files?

The impact was significant as it was the first time the speaker saw the names of her birth parents and siblings, which ignited her desire to connect with her birth family.

Why did the speaker feel she couldn't find belonging among the Native American kids in college?

The speaker felt she couldn't find belonging because of her white accent and the way others questioned her identity, labeling her as an 'apple', indicating she was not fully accepted as either white or Native American.

What was the turning point for the speaker in reconnecting with her birth family?

The turning point was when the speaker published an angry response to a letter in the tribal newspaper, signed with her birth name, which led to her birth sisters contacting her.

What does the speaker suggest as a better approach to transracial adoption?

The speaker suggests open adoption as a better approach, where relationships with the birth family are supported and encouraged, allowing the adoptee to have a sense of identity and belonging.

Why is it important for adoptive parents to consider the future needs of the child according to the speaker?

It is important for adoptive parents to consider the future needs of the child because the child will have questions about their origin and identity. The parents are gatekeepers to that information and can choose to provide a closed or open adoption, which significantly impacts the child's mental and emotional well-being.

Outlines

00:00

🌿 Early Memories and Identity Struggles

The speaker fondly recalls childhood memories of searching for four-leaf clovers with her adoptive mother, and a moment of connection when she complimented her mother's skin. She discusses knowing she was adopted from a young age and the innocence of first-grade conversations about her background. The narrative shifts to her experience of being removed from her Native American family at 18 months old and placed with a white couple at two years old, leaving her without memories of her birth family or tribe. She highlights the complexity of being a transracial adoptee, the lack of personal history, and the feeling of not belonging, even in her own community.

05:01

🧍‍♀️ The Search for Roots and Acceptance

The speaker expresses a deep desire for connection with her birth family and culture, recognizing the limitations of her adoptive family in providing that understanding. She recounts asking her adoptive father about her birth parents and his angry reaction, which only fueled her curiosity. In college, despite her attempts to connect with Native American peers, she faced discrimination and was labeled an 'apple', feeling neither fully white nor Native American. Eventually, with the help of a social worker, she accessed her adoption files and discovered her birth family was nearby. However, it took a letter to the editor and a response from her birth sisters to finally bring her into contact with her birth family.

10:06

👵‍👦 Reconnecting with Family and Reflecting on Adoption

The speaker shares her emotional journey of meeting her birth family for the first time at a family reunion in Montana. Despite the initial awkwardness and the passage of time, she began to build relationships with her siblings. She acknowledges the passing of her grandparents, birth parents, and adoptive parents, and the different nature of her relationship with her birth siblings. The speaker then addresses the reality of transracial adoption, its benefits such as a higher standard of living and education, but also its costs, including poor self-esteem and a lack of belonging. She poses critical questions for prospective adoptive parents about their motivations and emphasizes the importance of prioritizing the child's best interests.

15:12

🌈 The Future of Adoption: Embracing Both Worlds

The speaker advocates for a more thoughtful and inclusive approach to transracial adoption, suggesting that open adoption can lead to better outcomes for adoptees. She provides examples, such as Tasha's story in New Zealand, where open adoption allows the birth mother to remain an active part of the child's life, and customary adoption practiced by indigenous people, which involves the adoptive family in the birth community's cultural activities. The speaker, now a grandmother, calls for prospective parents to consider the long-term needs of the child and to honor the birth family's role, arguing that love is not finite and that the child can thrive with the support of both families.

Keywords

💡Adoption

Adoption refers to the legal process by which an adult assumes the parental rights and responsibilities for a child who is not biologically their own. In the context of the video, adoption is central to the speaker's personal narrative. The speaker was adopted and discusses the complex emotions and experiences that come with it, such as the sense of belonging and identity formation.

💡Transracial Adoption

Transracial adoption is a specific type of adoption where the adoptive parents and child are of different races. The video explores the challenges and benefits of transracial adoption from the speaker's perspective. It is highlighted by the speaker's experience of growing up with a different racial identity than her adoptive parents and the impact this had on her sense of self.

💡Identity

Identity in the video refers to a person's understanding of themselves in relation to their cultural, ethnic, and personal background. The speaker grapples with her identity as an American Indian woman adopted by a white family, and how this shapes her experiences and feelings of belonging.

💡Belonging

Belonging is the feeling of being an integral part of a group, often associated with a sense of acceptance and connection. The video discusses the speaker's struggle to find a sense of belonging due to her unique background as a transracial adoptee and the lack of shared cultural experiences with her adoptive family.

💡Assimilation

Assimilation is the process by which a minority group or individual adopts the customs, language, and practices of a dominant culture. The video touches on the historical practice of the U.S. government placing American Indian children with white families to assimilate them, which the speaker connects to her own experience.

💡Open Adoption

Open adoption is a type of adoption where there is an ongoing relationship and communication between the adoptive family and the birth family. The video suggests open adoption as a potential solution to some of the challenges faced by transracial adoptees, allowing them to maintain a connection to their birth culture.

💡Cultural Erasure

Cultural erasure refers to the disappearance of a culture's traditions, language, and identity due to external pressures or influences. The speaker discusses the concept of cultural erasure in relation to her own life, where her American Indian heritage was not acknowledged or passed on by her adoptive family.

💡Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is a personal sense of self-worth or self-respect. The video mentions that many transracial adoptees, like the speaker, may struggle with poor self-esteem due to the challenges of reconciling their racial identity with the dominant culture they were adopted into.

💡Role Models

Role models are individuals who inspire or influence others, often by exemplifying certain behaviors or values. The speaker expresses a desire for role models who could have taught her about her American Indian heritage, indicating the importance of representation and guidance in identity formation.

💡Customary Adoption

Customary adoption is a practice among indigenous people where the adoptive family is invited to participate in the birth family's cultural activities. The video uses customary adoption as an example of how both adoptive and birth families can be integrated into the child's life, providing a rich cultural context.

💡Best Interest of the Child

The best interest of the child is a legal standard used to make decisions regarding the welfare of a child. The video emphasizes that decisions in adoption should prioritize the child's needs, including emotional and cultural well-being, over the desires of the adoptive parents.

Highlights

The speaker fondly recalls childhood memories with her adoptive mother, including searching for four-leaf clovers.

The moment of realizing her adoptive mother's desire for youthful, non-white skin.

The speaker's early awareness of being adopted and her creative storytelling about her imagined birth parents.

The lack of personal and familial history due to being removed from her Native American family at a young age.

The emotional complexity of being a transracial adoptee and the societal implications.

The challenges faced in elementary school, including feeling out of place and experiencing racism.

A poignant memory of a childhood crush and the first encounter with a derogatory term.

The speaker's realization that her adoptive family's environment couldn't shield her from her racial identity.

The desire for a role model who could teach her about her American Indian heritage.

The confrontation with her adoptive father about her birth parents, revealing the complexities of adoption.

The struggle to find a sense of belonging within the Native American community at college.

The discovery of her birth family through illegal access to her adoption files.

The emotional reunion with her birth sisters and the complexities of reestablishing familial ties.

The speaker's reflection on the lifelong search for identity and belonging as an adoptee.

A critical examination of the reasons behind transracial adoption and the importance of prioritizing the child's well-being.

The benefits and high costs of transracial adoption, including the impact on self-esteem and sense of belonging.

The importance of prospective adoptive parents asking themselves why they want to adopt.

The concept of open adoption as a means to provide a more holistic support system for the child.

Examples of successful open adoption practices from New Zealand and customary adoption in indigenous cultures.

The speaker's personal journey to becoming a grandmother and the lessons learned about love and family.

A call to action for adoptive and birth families to collaborate for the child's future.

Transcripts

Translator: JIARUI LI Reviewer: Mirjana Čutura

When I was five, Mom and I laid out on the lawn

and ran our fingers through the grass, looking for four-leaf clovers.

Because if you found one, you're going to be lucky.

That's what she said.

Our arms were side by side, almost touching,

and I looked at her, and I said, "You know, Mom? You have beautiful skin."

And she said, "This old white freckled skin?

What I'd give to have beautiful young brown skin like yours."

People always ask me when I realized I was adopted,

when I found out I was adopted.

And I've known for as long as I can remember.

When I was in first grade,

I rode the bus with my two best friends, Christie and Jennifer,

and we sat three to a seat.

And we talked about life the way first-graders do.

And they asked me, "Where were you born?"

And I gave them my standard reply: "I wasn't born. I was adopted."

(Laughter)

They were intrigued.

"Do you remember your real parents?" they asked.

"Not really," I said, "but I do have one memory."

And then I paused for dramatic effect,

and I watched them lean in,

and then I just started making up a story

(Laughter)

of my Native American birth parents:

my mom, who smiled at me as she leaned over the crib

and her long dark hair tickled my face;

of my father,

who had white teeth against dark skin and his hair in a crew cut.

I was ... I was like the hit of the party.

But the thing is, the real story is, is that

because I was removed from my reservation family

when I was 18 months old

and placed with a white couple when I was two,

I have no memory of my parents, of my family, or of my tribe.

Nothing.

Which is what I want to call into question today.

We do this all the time.

We remove children from their birth families.

We sever those ties forever,

for their entire lives.

And we put them in a world far away.

And we sit back and think everything's going to be okay.

And I can tell you

from my personal experience as being a transracial adoptee

it is a lot more complicated than that.

When I was in elementary school, I remember going to friends' homes.

And I'd listen to their parents tell stories

about their daughter's first stumbling steps

or their son who spit out the green peas

when he was first learning how to eat solid foods.

And they'd laugh, parents and children.

And they took for granted those known pasts.

Because what I knew is that I didn't have those stories.

And I didn't look like either one of my parents,

and I didn't really look like anybody in my community.

When I was in third grade, I asked Victor if he wanted to play tag.

I'd known Victor forever.

He and I played on the school playground all the time.

I had a huge crush on Victor.

(Laughter)

But that day, he looked at his new friend, and he looked at me,

and he said, "You're a squaw."

And I didn't know what that meant,

but I knew it wasn't a compliment.

And as I got older,

the harsh words and the bigotry got worse.

When I was 15, I awoke one Saturday morning

to my dad in the front garden, drunk,

stumbling around a short cement statue of a toddler.

Using cheap watercolors, he painted her hair yellow

and her eyes blue.

And then he turns to me and says, "Isn't she the cutest thing?

I have always wanted to have a blond-haired, blue-eyed girl,

and now I've got one."

And at that moment, I realized that my safe neighborhood,

my white upper-middle-class high school,

the orchestra I played in, the choir I sang in

was not going to protect me from being American Indian.

And because I inhabited these spaces,

I thought that if I did all the same things

that my white friends did

that I would be just like them, only browner.

And I wasn't.

How much I wanted somebody in my life who looked like me,

who knew what it felt like,

who could teach me what being American Indian meant

that was more than what I was picking up in John Wayne movies.

And I knew that my adoptive family couldn't do that

but that my birth family could.

And so, I began to fantasize about finding my birth family.

So, I mustered up my courage,

and I asked the one question that I'd asked only once years before:

"Dad, what happened to my real parents?"

Years before, Dad had simply said, "They died in a car accident."

This time, however, he was furious.

"What do you mean your real parents?

We are your real parents.

We feed you, we clothe you, we educate you.

You have a roof over your head because of us.

We are your real parents, and don't you forget that."

So, when I got to college,

of course, I wanted to hang out with the Native American kids.

And I joined up with them one evening.

But as soon as I opened my mouth to say my name

and my white accent came out, that's when the questions started:

"What are you?

Are you Indian?

Are you a skin?

Are you a breed?

Redskin? Half-breed?"

A guy at the back of the group says, "No, she's neither one of those.

She's an apple:

red on the outside, white on the inside."

I wasn't going to find belonging there, either.

A few years later, I'd made contact with a social worker in Helena, Montana,

who illegally showed me my adoption files.

And for the very first time, I saw the names of my parents.

And I saw the names of my eight brothers and sisters.

And although it said that my birth father had died

many years before in a drowning accident,

my birth mom was still alive and living just 50 miles away from me.

But I was too nervous to do anything with that information.

Couple years later, I opened up the tribal newspaper,

which I get because I'm a tribal member,

and here's a letter to the editor

that says there's too many white Indians on this reservation.

And my mind goes immediately back to that guy in the group

who called me an apple.

And I'm essentially hearing one of my own call me an apple.

So, I wrote an angry response,

I signed my name, and I signed my birth name.

A week after it was published, I got a phone call ...

from my sisters.

(Cheers) (Applause)

From my birth sisters.

Like, what a concept for an only child.

They had said, the first thing,

"We've been looking for you for a long time."

What they'd called for is they wanted to invite me to a family reunion

up in Montana.

And I eagerly accepted.

So, as I was driving up there,

I just kept thinking how badly I wanted to meet them

and how much I wanted to be accepted by them.

But I also knew that we were strangers.

And I didn't want my expectations to get too high.

But as I arrived and got out of the car

and saw the gathering of people in the clearing,

I was looking at my family for the very first time:

aunts and uncles and cousins and brothers and sisters

and nieces and nephews.

My birth mom was sitting in a chair on the far side of the clearing.

How do you start that conversation?

I walked over to her, and I knelt in front of her,

and using the name she gave me, I said, "I'm Vicky Charmain.

I've come home."

She started crying then, and she turned her head in shame.

I was 34 years old, and she was 57.

Since that time, anybody who's had anything to do with raising me

has passed away:

my grandparents, my birth parents, my adoptive parents.

And although I have a relationship with my brothers and sisters,

too much time has passed,

and that relationship is far different

than I thought that I'd have all those years ago.

Because every time we get together, I feel like I have to start over again.

Every single time.

Now, you might think that these experiences would make anti-adoption.

I'm not.

I'm pragmatic.

There will always be transracial adoption

because there's always going to be war and genocide,

disasters and disease,

and political and economic instabilities.

Every year, thousands of children throughout the world

get placed with parents who are of a different race.

The vast majority of those are children of color

being placed with white parents.

We call this transracial adoption.

And it can have huge benefits.

For instance, a higher standard of living

or access to a better education.

But you know what?

The costs are high as well.

Many transracial adoptees like myself

have shown in studies that we end up with poor self-esteem

or that we end up feeling isolated

or lacking a place of belonging

or lacking everyday role models

who can teach us the positives of what it means to be ethnic

in a white world.

So, knowing that transracial adoption is always going to be with us,

how do we make it better for the adoptee?

Which brings me to the first question

that I want to ask any prospective parent who's thinking about adopting:

Why do you want to adopt?

Now, we know the bad answers.

Like when Angelina Jolie said she wanted a rainbow family.

(Laughter)

Or that frustratingly common, "But those Asian kids are just so cute."

(Laughter)

Or worse still, there are people who want to "save" a child

by ensuring that they are raised in a Western culture

and a Western religion,

which is just straight-up racist.

(Applause)

In my situation, the US government, during the '50s and '60s,

had placed American Indian children with white parents

in order to "assimilate" us.

Colonizing and systematically erasing a culture -

obviously not good reasons to adopt.

(Laughter)

So, of course the right answer is,

is that you want to adopt for the child's sake

and put your own interests and benefits to the side.

Prioritizing in the best interest of the child

means that you will provide them food and clothing

and shelter.

But you'll also provide them mental and emotional well-being.

All of us have a very human need for identity and belonging.

And you can be the best parent in the world,

but that adopted kid is going to wonder where they came from.

And you are the gatekeeper.

You can choose closed adoption with its sealed records

and its severed ties

or open adoption,

where relationship with birth family is supported and encouraged.

Now, I get it.

Open adoption in our either-or culture is understandably terrifying.

Because we are dichotomous,

things are either good or bad, or black or white,

or right or wrong,

and children are either yours or mine.

But there is a whole world of possibility between yours and mine.

And it starts with transracial adoption,

and studies actually show

that this is a better outcome for the transracial adoptee.

So, what would this look like?

Let me give you an example from New Zealand,

a country where open adoption is standard.

You have Tasha.

Tasha is from India.

She's in New Zealand on a visa.

She is young, single, and pregnant.

She belongs to an ethnic group that is unaccepting of unmarried mothers.

She feels that because she has no family support

and she has no social network to help her raise her child,

the only option she has available to her is to place her daughter for adoption.

You have Mary.

Mary is a white woman.

She and her husband have a child of their own.

She hears about Tasha's story, and she agrees to adopt Tasha's daughter

with the understanding

that Tasha will have an active role in that child's life.

As a consequence, Tasha sees her daughter every two weeks.

She has a phone call with her on those weeks in between.

The whole family, including Tasha,

gets together and celebrates all birthdays.

They celebrate all holidays together.

Tasha's daughter is going to be 12 years old this year,

and she never has to wonder who her birth mother is

or what she's like or what her culture is like

because she's living that experience every day.

That is an example of the adoptive family

bringing the birth family into their circle.

Let me give you an example of the birth family or the birth community

bringing the adoptive family into their circle.

It's called customary adoption,

and it's practiced by indigenous people worldwide.

In customary adoption, the adoptee and the adoptive family parents

are invited to participate and observe ceremonies

and activities and events and gatherings

that teach the child who they are,

where they come from, and why that's important,

with the whole idea being that

that child will now have support in both worlds.

Five months ago, I became a grandmother for the second time.

(Applause)

And I understand that need

to keep your child safe and protected.

It feels so urgent and overwhelming.

But sometimes, in order to protect your child,

you have to put your own interests and fears to the side,

you have to look at that child and look into their future,

you have to look deep into their future

and ask yourself,

"What does this child need in order to live and to thrive in this world?"

Adoption is an act of superhuman generosity.

But the generosity can't stop as soon as the papers are signed.

If the birth family or the birth community

requests to play a role in that child's life,

honor that.

And trust that love is not a finite thing,

that there will be enough love

for your child to love their birth parents as well as you.

Because only when these two families come together

in the best interest of the child,

will that child have a great future.

Thank you.

(Applause)