How to practice emotional hygiene | Guy Winch | TEDxLinnaeusUniversity

Summary

The speaker, a psychologist, shares insights about the imbalance in how we prioritize physical health over mental well-being. He highlights the neglect of 'emotional hygiene'—the practices to care for our psychological health, like addressing loneliness, rejection, failure, and negative thinking. By weaving in personal stories, he emphasizes how mental wounds, if ignored, can have serious consequences similar to physical injuries. He advocates for emotional resilience and suggests simple habits that could significantly improve our quality of life, just like practicing physical hygiene transformed life expectancy.

Takeaways

• 🔍 **Mind and Body Health**: The script highlights the tendency to prioritize physical health over mental health, despite both being equally important.
• 👶 **Early Awareness**: People are taught from a young age to care for physical health, but little attention is given to emotional or psychological well-being.
• 😔 **Psychological Injuries**: Psychological wounds like failure, rejection, and loneliness are common and can worsen if ignored, just like physical injuries.
• 📉 **Impact of Loneliness**: Chronic loneliness is linked to severe health consequences, such as high blood pressure, suppressed immunity, and even increased risk of early death by 14%.
• 💔 **Rejection Hurts**: Rejection can lead to damaging self-talk and lowered self-esteem. Instead of engaging in negative self-talk, people should practice self-compassion.
• 🔄 **Cycle of Failure**: After failure, the mind can trick us into believing we are incapable, creating a cycle of helplessness that prevents future success.
• 🧠 **Emotional Hygiene**: Practicing 'emotional hygiene'—such as recognizing negative thought patterns and protecting self-esteem—is crucial for maintaining psychological health.
• 🙅 **Stop Rumination**: Ruminating on negative events increases the risk of depression and other health issues. Distraction techniques can help break the cycle of rumination.
• 🤗 **Self-Esteem Matters**: Maintaining self-esteem in the face of setbacks is critical to resilience and emotional recovery.
• 💡 **Better Future**: Embracing emotional hygiene can improve quality of life, making people more empowered, fulfilled, and healthier overall.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the speaker's talk?

The main theme of the talk is the importance of emotional hygiene and the need to value and care for our psychological health as much as we do for our physical health.

Why does the speaker mention favoritism in the context of physical and psychological health?

The speaker uses favoritism as a metaphor to highlight how society values physical health more than psychological health, neglecting the importance of mental well-being.

What does the speaker mean by 'emotional hygiene'?

Emotional hygiene refers to the practice of taking care of our psychological health by recognizing and addressing emotional pain, managing negative thoughts, and maintaining self-esteem, just as we take care of our physical health.

How does the speaker illustrate the impact of loneliness on health?

The speaker explains that chronic loneliness can increase the likelihood of an early death by 14%, cause high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and suppress immune function, posing a significant risk similar to cigarette smoking.

What is the psychological impact of failure according to the speaker?

Failure can distort our perceptions and make us feel helpless, leading us to believe that we are incapable of succeeding. This can prevent people from reaching their full potential as they stop trying after experiencing setbacks.

What is 'rumination' and why is it harmful?

Rumination is the habit of repeatedly thinking about negative events or feelings, which can lead to increased stress, anxiety, depression, and even physical health issues like cardiovascular disease.

How did the speaker deal with rumination when his brother was diagnosed with cancer?

The speaker used a technique of distraction, focusing on something else whenever he had negative thoughts, to break the cycle of rumination. This helped him maintain a more positive outlook.

What message does the speaker convey with the story about his first date?

The story illustrates how rejection can lead to harsh self-criticism and lower self-esteem, which is harmful to psychological health. It underscores the need to treat ourselves with compassion after facing rejection.

What does the speaker suggest we do when faced with rejection or failure?

The speaker suggests reviving our self-esteem by treating ourselves with compassion and challenging negative beliefs, instead of ruminating and worsening the psychological wound.

What does the speaker hope to achieve by promoting emotional hygiene?

The speaker envisions a world where people are psychologically healthier, experience less loneliness and depression, overcome failure more easily, and feel more empowered and fulfilled.

Outlines

00:00

👨‍🎓 The Disparity Between Physical and Psychological Health

The speaker, a psychologist, shares his personal experience growing up as a twin and how this made him acutely aware of favoritism. He draws a parallel to society's favoritism towards physical health over psychological well-being. Despite spending years studying psychology, he finds that people often undervalue psychological health. He illustrates this by contrasting common knowledge of physical health practices, like brushing teeth, with the lack of awareness about maintaining psychological health. The speaker points out that psychological injuries, such as failure, rejection, and loneliness, are common and can be detrimental if ignored, yet there's a societal reluctance to address them seriously.

05:01

😔 The Devastating Effects of Loneliness

The speaker delves into the profound psychological impact of loneliness, using his own experience of feeling disconnected from his twin brother while living abroad as an example. He explains that loneliness isn't just about being alone but rather about feeling emotionally disconnected. The speaker cites research showing that chronic loneliness can increase the risk of early death by 14% and can lead to various health issues, including high blood pressure and a weakened immune system. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing and treating psychological wounds, like loneliness, to improve our emotional well-being.

10:03

🚫 Overcoming the Psychological Impact of Failure and Rejection

The speaker discusses how our minds can trick us into believing we are incapable of success, especially after experiencing failure or rejection. He uses the example of toddlers reacting differently to not being able to operate a toy correctly, illustrating how our reactions to setbacks are shaped by our mindset. He encourages the audience to be aware of their mental reactions to failure and to not let initial setbacks define their capabilities. The speaker also talks about the self-critical tendencies people have after experiencing rejection and advises treating oneself with compassion to protect self-esteem and prevent further emotional harm.

15:04

💪 Building Emotional Resilience Through Emotional Hygiene

In the final paragraph, the speaker shares how he personally battled negative thinking and rumination when his twin brother was diagnosed with cancer. He emphasizes the importance of emotional hygiene, which involves taking proactive steps to protect and improve our psychological health. By distracting oneself from negative thoughts and focusing on positive actions, the speaker was able to change his outlook. He concludes by advocating for a world where everyone practices emotional hygiene, leading to a significant improvement in the quality of life, with less loneliness, depression, and a greater sense of empowerment and happiness.

Keywords

💡Favoritism

Favoritism refers to giving preferential treatment or showing bias towards one thing over another. In the video, the speaker discusses how society tends to favor physical health over psychological health. This favoritism is evident when people dismiss the importance of mental well-being, similar to how the speaker notices favoritism in childhood when comparing cookie sizes with his twin brother.

💡Emotional Hygiene

Emotional hygiene is the practice of taking care of one’s psychological health, much like personal hygiene focuses on physical health. The speaker argues that just as we learn to care for our bodies from a young age, we should also learn to maintain our emotional well-being. However, society largely neglects this practice, leading to psychological wounds like loneliness or rejection becoming more severe.

💡Psychological Wounds

Psychological wounds refer to emotional or mental injuries that arise from experiences like failure, rejection, or loneliness. These wounds can have lasting negative effects if not addressed. The speaker compares them to physical injuries, highlighting the need for proper treatment, such as emotional hygiene, to prevent them from worsening.

💡Loneliness

Loneliness is defined as the subjective feeling of being emotionally or socially disconnected from others. The speaker emphasizes how loneliness distorts perceptions, making individuals believe that others care less about them than they actually do. Chronic loneliness, according to the speaker, can lead to severe health issues, even increasing the likelihood of early death.

💡Failure

Failure is the state of not meeting a goal or expectation. In the video, the speaker explains that failure can distort our perception of our abilities, making us feel helpless or incapable, even when we are capable. This reaction to failure often causes people to give up prematurely, leading them to function below their actual potential.

💡Rejection

Rejection is the emotional pain experienced when one is not accepted by others. In the video, the speaker describes rejection as one of the most painful psychological wounds. After rejection, people tend to harshly criticize themselves, which further damages their self-esteem. The speaker argues that self-compassion is crucial after rejection to prevent further emotional harm.

💡Self-Esteem

Self-esteem refers to one’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. The speaker explains that low self-esteem can make people more vulnerable to stress and emotional pain. After events like failure or rejection, it’s important to protect and restore self-esteem to prevent prolonged emotional suffering and to support resilience.

💡Rumination

Rumination is the habit of continuously replaying negative or upsetting thoughts in one’s mind. The speaker describes it as a harmful psychological habit that increases the risk of depression, anxiety, and other health problems. Breaking the cycle of rumination with distractions is key to maintaining psychological well-being.

💡Emotional Resilience

Emotional resilience is the ability to recover quickly from emotional setbacks like failure, rejection, or loneliness. In the video, the speaker advocates for developing emotional resilience through emotional hygiene, self-compassion, and breaking negative thought patterns. This resilience allows individuals to thrive even after experiencing psychological wounds.

💡Mind-Body Dualism

Mind-body dualism refers to the distinction between the mind and the body, often with the body being prioritized over the mind in terms of care and attention. The speaker argues against this favoritism, stressing the importance of valuing and treating the mind with the same level of care as the body, as both are crucial to overall health.

Highlights

The speaker grew up with an identical twin and became an expert at spotting favoritism.

As a psychologist, the speaker noticed favoritism towards the body over the mind.

People often undervalue psychologists compared to medical doctors.

There is a societal emphasis on physical health over psychological health.

Children are taught how to maintain physical health but not psychological health.

Psychological injuries like failure, rejection, or loneliness can worsen if ignored.

There are scientifically proven techniques to treat psychological injuries, but they are often overlooked.

Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound that distorts perceptions and thinking.

Loneliness is as dangerous to long-term health as cigarette smoking.

Failure can trick the mind into believing one is incapable, leading to helplessness.

It's important to be aware of how the mind reacts to failure to avoid becoming convinced of one's own inability.

Once convinced of something, it's very difficult to change the mind.

Rejection can lead to self-inflicted emotional harm.

Emotional pain should be treated with compassion, not self-criticism.

Rumination can lead to serious mental health issues like depression and anxiety.

Distracting oneself for a short time can break the cycle of rumination.

Building emotional resilience can lead to a happier and more fulfilled life.

Practicing emotional hygiene could dramatically improve the quality of life.

Transcripts

Translator: Yuanqing Edberg Reviewer: Ivana Korom

I grew up with my identical twin,

who was an incredibly loving brother.

Now, one thing about being a twin is it makes you an expert

at spotting favoritism.

If his cookie was even slightly bigger than my cookie, I had questions.

And clearly I wasn't starving.

(Laughter)

When I became a psychologist,

I began to notice favoritism of a different kind.

And that is how much more we value the body than we do the mind.

I spent nine years at University earning my doctorate in Psychology,

and I can't tell you how many people look at my business card and say,

"Oh, a psychologist, so not a real doctor."

As if it should say that on my card.

(Laughter)

This favoritism we show the body over the mind,

I see it everywhere.

I recently was at a friends' house,

and their five-year-old was getting ready for bed.

He was standing on a stool by the sink brushing his teeth,

when he slipped, and scratched his leg on the stool when he fell.

He cried for a minute, but then he got back up,

got back on the stool and reached out for a box of Band-Aids

to put one on his cut.

Now this kid could barely tie his shoelaces,

but he knew you have to cover a cut, so it doesn't become infected,

and you have to care for your teeth by brushing twice a day.

We all know how to maintain our physical health

and how to practice dental hygiene, right?

We've known it since we were five years old.

But what do we know about maintaining our psychological health?

Well, nothing.

What do we teach our children about emotional hygiene?

Nothing.

How is it we spend more time

taking care our teeth than we do our minds?

Why is it our physical health is so much more important to us

than our psychological health?

You know we sustain psychological injuries

even more often than we do physical ones.

Injuries like failure or rejection, or loneliness,

and they can also get worse if we ignore them.

And they can impact our lives in dramatic ways.

And yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques

we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries, we don't.

It doesn't even occur to us that we should.

"Oh, you're feeling depressed, just shake it off, it's all in your head."

Can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg,

"Just walk it off, it's all in your leg."

(Laughter)

It is time we close the gap between our physical and our psychological health.

It's time we made them more equal.

More like twins.

Speaking of which, my brother is also a psychologist.

So he's not a real doctor, either.

(Laughter)

We didn't study together, though.

In fact, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life

is move across the Atlantic to New York city

to get my doctorate in psychology.

We were apart then, for the first time in our lives,

and the separation was brutal for both of us.

But while he remained among family and friends,

I was alone in a new country.

We missed each other terribly,

but international phone calls were really expensive then,

and we could only afford to speak for 5 minutes a week.

When our birthday rolled around,

it was the first we wouldn't be spending together,

we decide to splurge,

and that week we would talk for ten minutes.

I spent the morning pacing around my room,

waiting for him to call,

and waiting,

and waiting,

but the phone didn't ring.

Given the time difference, I assumed

"OK, he's out with friends, he will call later."

There were no cell phones then.

But he didn't.

And I began to realize, after being away for over ten months,

he no longer missed me the way I missed him.

And I knew he would call in the morning,

but that night was one of the saddest and longest nights of my life.

I woke up the next morning,

I glanced down at the phone,

and I realized I had kicked it off the hook

when pacing the day before.

I stumbled out of bed,

I put the phone back on the receiver,

and it rang a second later,

and it was my brother, and, boy, was he pissed.

(Laughter)

It was the saddest and longest night of his life as well.

I tried to explain what happened, but he said,

"I don't understand, if you saw I wasn't calling you,

why didn't you just pick up the phone and call me?"

He was right.

Why didn't I call him?

I didn't have an answer then, but I do today, and it's a simple one.

Loneliness.

Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound.

One that distorts our perceptions

and scrambles our thinking,

It makes us believe

those around us care much less than they actually do.

It makes us really afraid to reach out,

because why set yourself up for rejection and heartache,

when your heart is already aching more than you can stand?

I was in the grips of real loneliness back then,

but I was surrounded by people all day,

so it never occurred to me.

But loneliness, is defined purely, subjectively.

It depends solely on whether you feel

emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you.

And I did.

There's a lot research on loneliness

and all of it is horrifying.

Loneliness won't just make you miserable, it will kill you.

I am not kidding.

Chronic loneliness increases your likelihood of an early death

by 14 percent.

Fourteen percent.

Loneliness causes high blood pressure, high cholesterol,

it even suppresses the functioning of your immune system,

making you vulnerable to all kinds of illnesses and diseases.

In fact, scientist have concluded that taken together,

chronic loneliness poses a significant a risk

for your longterm health and longevity as cigarette smoking.

Now, cigarette packs come with warnings saying, "This could kill you."

But loneliness doesn't.

And that's why it's so important

we prioritize our psychological health.

That we practice emotional hygiene.

Because you can't treat a psychological wound

if you don't even know you are injured.

[Pay attention to emotional pain]

Loneliness isn't the only psychological wound

that distorts our perceptions and misleads us.

[Failure]

Failure does that as well.

I once visited a daycare center where I saw three toddlers

play with identical plastic toys.

You had to slide the red button, and a cute doggy would pop out.

One little girl tried pulling the purple button, then pushing it,

and then she just sat back and looked at the box

with her lower lip trembling.

The little boy next to her, watched this happen,

then turned to his box, and burst into tears

without even touching it.

Meanwhile, another little girl tried everything she could think of

until she slid the red button,

the cute doggy popped out, and she squealed with delight.

So three toddlers with identical plastic toys

but with very different reactions to failure.

The first two toddlers were perfectly capable of sliding a red button.

The only thing that prevented them from succeeding

was their mind tricked them into believing they could not.

Now, adults get tricked this way as well all the time.

In fact we all have a default set of feelings and beliefs

that gets triggered whenever we encounter frustrations and setbacks.

Are you aware of how your mind reacts to failure?

You need to be.

Because if your mind tries to convince you

you're incapable of something

and you believe it,

then like those two toddlers, you'll begin to feel helpless,

and you'll stop trying too soon or you won't even try at all.

And then you will be even more convinced you can't succeed.

You see, that's why so many people

function below their actual potential.

Because somewhere along the way, sometimes a single failure

convinced them they couldn't succeed,

and they believed it.

Once we become convinced of something,

it's very difficult to change our mind.

I learned that lesson the hard way.

When I was a teenager with my brother.

We were driving with friends down a dark road at night,

when the police car stopped us.

There had been a robbery in the area, they were looking for suspects.

The officer approached the car,

and he shined his flashlight on the driver.

Then on my brother in the front seat, and then on me.

And his eyes opened wide, and he said,

"Where have I seen your face before?"

(Laughter)

And I said, "In the front seat."

(Laughter)

But that made no sense to him whatsoever.

So now he thought I was on drugs.

(Laughter)

So he drags me out of the car, he searches me,

he marches me over to the police car,

and only when he verified I don't have a police record,

could I show him I had a twin in the front seat.

But even as we were driving away, you could see by the look on his face,

he was convinced I was getting away with something.

Our mind is hard to change once we become convinced.

So it might be very natural to feel demoralized and defeated after you fail.

But you cannot allow yourself to become convinced you can't succeed.

You have to fight feelings of helplessness.

You have to gain control over the situation,

and you have to break this kind of negative cycle before it begins.

[Stop emotional bleeding]

Our minds and our feelings,

they are not the trustworthy friends we thought they were.

They are more like a really moody friend,

who can be totally supportive one minute, and really unpleasant the next.

I once worked with this woman

who after 20 years of marriage and an extremely ugly divorce,

was finally ready for her first date.

She had met this guy online, he seemed nice and successful,

and most importantly, he seemed really into her.

So she was very excited, and she bought a new dress,

and they met at an upscale New York City bar for a drink.

Ten minutes into the date, the man stands up and says,

"I'm not interested", and walks out.

[Rejection]

Rejection is extremely painful.

The woman was so hurt, she could't move.

All she could do is call a friend.

And here's what the friend said, "Well, what do you expect,

you have big hips, you have nothing interesting to say,

why would a handsome, successful man like that

ever go out with a loser like you?"

Shocking, right, that a friend could be so cruel.

But it would be much less shocking

if I told you it wasn't the friend who said that.

It's what the woman said to herself.

And that's something we all do.

Especially after a rejection.

We all start thinking of all our faults and all our shortcomings

what we wish we were, what we wish we weren't,

we call ourselves names.

Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.

It's interesting that we do, because our self-esteem is already hurting.

Why would we want to go and damage it even further?

We wouldn't make a physical injury worse on purpose.

You wouldn't get a cut on your arm and decide,

"Oh, I know, I am going to take a knife and see how much deeper I can make it."

But we do that with psychological injuries all the time.

Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.

Because we don't prioritize our psychological health.

We know from dozens of studies,

that when your self-esteem is lower,

you are more vulnerable to stress and to anxiety,

that failures and rejections hurt more,

and it takes longer to recover from them.

So when you get rejected, the first thing you should be doing

is to revive your self-esteem,

not join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.

When you are in emotional pain,

treat yourself with the same compassion

you would expect from a truly good friend.

[Protect your self-esteem]

We have to catch our unhealthy psychological habits and change them.

One of the unhealthiest and most common is called rumination.

To ruminate, means to chew over.

It's when your boss yells at you,

or your professor makes you feel stupid in class,

or you have a big fight with a friend,

and you just can't stop replaying the scene in your head for days,

sometimes for weeks on end.

Now ruminating about upsetting events in this way

can easily become a habit, and it's a very costly one.

Because by spending so much time

focused on upsetting and negative thoughts,

you are actually putting yourself at significant risk for developing

clinical depression, alcoholism,

eating disorders and even cardiovascular disease.

The problem is, the urge to ruminate

can feel really strong, really important, so it's a difficult habit to stop.

I know this for a fact.

Because little over a year ago, I developed the habit myself.

You see my twin brother was diagnosed

with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

His cancer was extremly aggressive,

he had visible tumors all over his body.

And he had to start a harsh course of chemotherapy.

And I couldn't stop thinking about what he was going through,

I could't stop thinking about how much he was suffering.

Even though he never complained, not once.

He had this incredibly positive attitude.

His psychological health was amazing.

I was physically healthy, but psychologically I was a mess.

But I knew what to do.

Studies tell us that even a two minute distraction

is sufficient to break the urge to ruminate in that moment.

And so each time I had a worrying, upsetting, negative thought,

I forced myself to concentrate on something else until the urge passed.

And within one week, my whole outlook changed,

and became more positive and more hopeful.

[Battle negative thinking]

Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy, my brother had a CAT scan,

and I was by his side when he got the results.

All the tumors were gone.

He still had three more rounds of chemotherapy to go.

But we knew he would recover.

This picture was taken two weeks ago.

By taking action when you're lonely,

by changing your responses to failure,

by protecting yourself-esteem,

by battling negative thinking,

you won't just heal your psychological wounds,

you will build emotional resilience, you will thrive.

A hundred years ago, people began practicing personal hygiene.

And life expectancy rates rose by over fifty percent

in just a matter of decades.

I believe our quality of life could rise just as dramatically

if we all began practicing emotional hygiene.

Can you imagine, what the world would be like

if everyone was psychologically healthier?

If there were less loneliness, and less depression?

If people knew how to overcome failure?

If they felt better about themselves, and more empowered?

if they were happier, and more fulfilled?

I can, because that's the world I want to live in,

and that's the world my brother wants to live in as well.

If you just become informed, and change a few simple habits,

well that's the world we can all live in.

Thank you very much.

(Applause)