Narcissistic In-Laws | The Signs
Summary
TLDRThe video script discusses the challenging dynamics of relationships with narcissistic in-laws, emphasizing the importance of recognizing early warning signs and setting boundaries. It highlights the significance of a partner's awareness and support in navigating these complex family interactions, and the potential impact on a marriage if left unaddressed. The conversation also touches on the role of in-laws in broader life decisions, such as parenting and financial support.
Takeaways
- 👫 In-laws can be a challenging relationship to navigate, especially if they are narcissistic, as they are often not vetted as thoroughly as a romantic partner.
- 🔍 It's crucial for a partner to recognize and acknowledge if their parents are difficult or narcissistic, as denial can lead to a lifetime of difficult interactions.
- 🤔 Meeting in-laws can be delayed until a committed relationship is established, and it's important to consider various factors like cultural differences and family dynamics.
- 🚨 Red flags when meeting potential future in-laws include cold, distant, or overly critical behavior, but it's also important to consider cultural norms and individual temperaments.
- 👀 Observing how the family interacts with each other can provide insight into the family dynamics, including respect, kindness, and humor.
- 💡 Communication with your partner about your observations and feelings regarding their family is essential for understanding and addressing potential issues.
- 🤝 Setting boundaries with narcissistic in-laws often requires cooperation from your partner, who should be willing to help establish and maintain these boundaries.
- 💔 Narcissistic in-laws can significantly impact a marriage, sometimes leading to its breakdown if the partner is unwilling or unable to set boundaries.
- 🏠 The involvement of in-laws in major life decisions, such as childcare or financial support, can complicate matters and require careful negotiation.
- ⏰ It's important for couples to address issues with in-laws early in the relationship to avoid future conflicts and to ensure both partners are on the same page.
Q & A
What is the common perception about in-laws?
-The common perception is that in-laws can be difficult and sometimes narcissistic, which is considered an age-old truth.
Why are relationships with narcissistic in-laws particularly challenging?
-These relationships are challenging because individuals typically don't vet their in-laws before marrying their partner, and it can be difficult to navigate interactions without sounding difficult oneself.
How can a partner's inability to recognize their parents' narcissistic behavior affect a marriage?
-If a partner doesn't recognize their parents' difficult behavior, it could mean a lifetime of difficult interactions, as the partner might not be willing to set boundaries or support their spouse in dealing with the toxic family dynamics.
What is the recommended timing for meeting potential future in-laws?
-It's suggested to meet potential future in-laws once a couple is in a committed relationship and not dating others, even if marriage isn't immediately planned.
What are some logistical factors that can affect when someone meets their in-laws?
-Logistical factors include where the in-laws live, schedules, and cultural differences, which can make meeting them easier or more difficult.
What are some red flags to look for when meeting in-laws for the first time?
-Red flags include a lack of warmth, protectiveness that seems excessive, or mean-spirited communication within the family.
How can one discern the difference between cultural communication styles and mean-spirited behavior?
-It's important to observe how the family talks to each other and whether their interactions are respectful and compassionate or if they contain mean-spirited jabs and barbs.
Why is it important to check in with your partner after meeting their family?
-Checking in with your partner can help identify if there are any concerning patterns or behaviors that they might be accustomed to but that could impact the relationship.
What should you do if your partner's family is overly critical or controlling?
-It's crucial to discuss these observations with your partner and determine if they are willing to set boundaries and support you in dealing with such a family system.
What can be the consequences of not addressing issues with narcissistic in-laws?
-Ignoring these issues can lead to the breakdown of a marriage, as the constant strain of dealing with toxic in-laws can become unbearable, especially when planning to have children.
What advice is given for couples dealing with narcissistic in-laws?
-It's advised that couples pay attention to how they handle the situation from the beginning, ensuring that boundaries are set and that the partner is cooperative and supportive.
Outlines
🤔 Understanding Narcissistic In-Laws
This paragraph discusses the common perception of in-laws being narcissistic and the challenges that arise from such relationships. It emphasizes the lack of preparation or vetting before meeting in-laws, which can lead to unexpected difficulties. The speaker points out that if a partner fails to recognize their parents' negative traits, it could indicate a lifetime of challenging interactions. The paragraph also touches on the complexity of dealing with narcissistic in-laws, including the potential for them to be controlling or demeaning, and the importance of partners acknowledging and addressing these issues.
👨👩👧👦 Meeting the In-Laws: Timing and Red Flags
The second paragraph focuses on the appropriate time to meet potential future in-laws and what to look for during the initial encounters. It suggests waiting until a relationship is serious and committed before meeting the family. The speaker advises being cautious of cultural differences and the natural awkwardness of first meetings, and not to jump to conclusions based on first impressions. Instead, they recommend observing how the family interacts with each other and discussing any concerns with the partner. The paragraph also highlights the importance of the partner's awareness and willingness to set boundaries with their family to protect the relationship.
🎵 Additional Resources and Next Steps
The final paragraph is a call to action for viewers to engage with the content further. It invites viewers to ask questions directly to a med circle doctor through provided links and encourages subscription to the YouTube channel for more mental health videos. It also teases the next session's topic, which will discuss having a friend who is a narcissist and how to cope with such relationships.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Narcissism
💡In-laws
💡Difficult Parents
💡Vetting
💡Toxic Family
💡Boundaries
💡Red Flags
💡Radical Acceptance
💡Siblings-in-law
💡Logistical Issues
💡Cultural Differences
Highlights
People often perceive their in-laws as narcissists, which is a common belief.
Difficult in-laws are a longstanding issue, but some can be genuinely narcissistic.
Managing narcissistic in-laws is challenging because you typically don't vet them before marriage.
A partner's inability to recognize difficult parents can be a red flag for future relationship issues.
The danger lies in a partner not seeing the toxicity in their family, leading to lifelong difficult interactions.
It's complicated when you have no power to change things with in-laws without seeming difficult yourself.
Meeting in-laws can be a volatile experience, especially with toxic siblings.
The timing of meeting potential future in-laws is crucial and should coincide with a committed relationship.
Logistical issues like living in another country can affect when and how you meet your in-laws.
Cultural differences can play a role in how in-laws behave and how their behavior is perceived.
Red flags when meeting in-laws include a lack of warmth or respect among family members.
It's important to observe how the family communicates with each other to gauge their dynamics.
A partner's lack of awareness of their family's behavior can be a significant red flag.
Narcissistic in-laws can significantly impact a marriage, sometimes leading to its breakdown.
Boundaries set with the help of a partner are crucial in dealing with narcissistic in-laws.
A partner's unwillingness to set boundaries with their narcissistic parents can be detrimental.
The presence of narcissistic in-laws can be a deal-breaker for some, especially concerning future children.
It's essential to pay attention to how a partner handles their family dynamics early in a relationship.
Next session预告: Discussing having a friend who is a narcissist and coping strategies.
Transcripts
I feel like out of all of the categories
we're talking about today people really
think their in-laws are narcissists
they're always saying that that's an
age-old truth right right or that you
have difficult in-laws or they're not
they're narcissistic yes you know but
the difficult in like I said it's an old
story it sells well but in some cases in
loss can be straight out narcissistic so
how do we manage this narcissistic
in-laws are actually one of the more
vexing kinds of relationships and the
reason for that is you don't typically
vet the in-laws before you your partner
you vet your party you meet your partner
maybe you meet them early in the
courtship maybe you don't meet them
until you're fully in love with this
person maybe you meet them to tell them
you're getting engaged now you're kind
of almost all in you're in so then you
meet these people and you're like oh my
goodness now one thing I have to say is
if you have a partner who cannot
identify that they at least have very
very difficult parents maybe they don't
or parent or parents and maybe they
don't use the word narcissistic but they
might say my mom's a handful and my
dad's really controlling if they don't
identify any of that and you walk into
this and they're very antagonistic
difficult demeaning and validating
challenging people it doesn't mean you
need to give pause for a moment and say
how is that my partner doesn't recognize
any of this because the danger there is
your partner doesn't see it which means
you may end up spending a long lifetime
having difficult interactions with your
husband or wife who thinks their
family's perfectly fine and you can see
it for what a toxic family space it is
so it's a complicated thing where you
might be walking into a storm you're not
even prepared for or fortunate if you
have been prepared then hopefully you
and your partner unite over it and
remember we're not talking about just a
mother and father-in-law we could be
talking about a sister-in-law right a
brother-in-law that whole toxic sibling
thing matters here except with them as
your in-laws your lesson power to do
anything
you may not be able to jump in there and
communicate the way you want without
sounding like your own version of a
difficult person you may be trying to
protect your partner's feelings this is
actually one of the more complicated
explosive volatile spaces you can get
into so when would you suggest that
somebody meet their potential future
in-laws hey you know listen if you're
dating like if you're kind of like like
dating multiple people at the same time
I don't think that's the time to bring
this new person you're dating around
like if you haven't even settled on a
person I think that's okay perhaps once
a couple decides that yeah they're in
this they're in a committed relationship
they're moving forward and they're not
dating other people they see something
that might resemble a future even if
it's months or years but maybe it
doesn't have to be marriage that maybe
the time keep in mind Kyle there's lots
of logistics here you may meet someone
who's from another country so seeing
their family is much more of a
logistical issue than if you meet
someone whose parents live down the
street and in fact your sibling may have
introduced you know someone might have
either your in-laws might have been the
one who introduced you right you may
already know their in-laws which helps
because you might already know that
there's something up but there's a lot
of things that can make it go faster or
slower depending on where people live
and people schedules and then there's
also all the other issues that can come
up with in-laws you might meet somebody
who's very open-minded and progressive
but their parents and you may be of a
different race religion social class
something very different from your
partner your partner may be great with
it but their family may not when someone
meets their potential future in-laws for
the first time are there red flags they
should look out for
I mean it's always a little trickier
because everyone's gonna be on sort of
awkward behavior right that's so it's a
I mean this is one of those times where
I'm a big believer that the red flag
show up early that you may meet people
who may not be very warm but that may
also be because they're very protective
of their son or daughter especially
their son or daughter was hurt in the
past so you don't know just because
somebody isn't really
and diffusive it may not necessarily be
because they're dissing you it really
may be that they may be that might be
their temperament it's not that they're
mean they may be shy they may be
introverted that it may be culturally
appropriate to communicate that way so
you want to be very careful I think that
you also where you get a lot of
interesting lessons it's watching how
the family talks to each other they may
be a little strange with you but how do
they regard each other or the parents
being critical of your partner those all
their family members are they respectful
in their interchanges are they
relatively kind and compassionate in
their interchanges is there humor
appropriate or is it sort of
mean-spirited jabs and barbs some people
might say ah that's just how my family
is but there's a difference between like
a sweet kind of little poke and
something mean-spirited I think we can
all sense that difference in tone and
all of that so I do think that it's a
that you can pick up on that but you may
not get it the first time I think
checking in with your partner is very
very important so if you notice
something strange you know sweetheart is
interesting but every time you started
talking about work your dad kept talking
over you he wouldn't let you finish were
you okay with that
he might say I didn't notice the thing
that's a red flag
now why okay a red flag for what for a
red flag for this maybe that a pattern
in this family that your partner is
gonna let pass okay so a red flag that
the dad could have nice maybe that the
dad's a little narcissistic or
controlling and your partner has
adjusted to this which means you are
entering a family system where that dad
may be controlling towards you to or
keep controlling their son or daughter
remember it may be in a way that is
going to impact you but not necessarily
that the the son or your partner is a
narcissist no not at all if anything
they may actually be kind of like
silenced by this overpowering parent but
to see if they notice that because you
might think well what's your problem if
your partner's nice who cares what their
parents are like these are parents who
may have a say in your children Oh
finances who knows like many times its
in-laws and parents who give money to
help with the purchase of a home and
that can you have to figure out how
beholden you're gonna be so if these
parents are full-blown narcisse's I mean
when you walk in they go how is that
little job that little hobby or right or
like you're really lucky that my my son
or daughter my might that my son would
even take a head take a second look at
you or they're very snooty or they're
very cold or it's very it's really
distant remote awkward I mean I think we
can all tell that when that's happening
if that's what you're going into yeah it
can be quite clear so if that's what
they're going in to do they just have to
make the decision I'm either going to
accept this and have radical acceptance
or I'm going to break up with this guy
and go somewhere else you need to talk
to your partner say that was strangely
awkward can you please give me some
insight I think that there's something
that should give you pause if a partner
a new partner is willing to take you
into the Lions Den and not prepare you
there you go there's a real lack of
sensitivity and aware awareness I'm not
even to call it out hardcore as a lack
of empathy but that lack of sensitivity
and awareness that this is what this was
potentially gonna be mm-hmm raises red
flags for me that your own partner isn't
aware of what's hurtful and maybe
entirely blind about their family system
and so I'm telling you Kyle I've seen
more than a few marriages break up
because of narcissistic in-laws so they
had eight if you remove the in-laws that
healthy relationship ish I mean
obviously it could have been great
because that partner was not willing to
go in there right and really help set
the boundaries and that could have
helped the marriage so they really did
let their own parents walk all over the
other spouse and even though they had a
perfectly workable companionate
relationship some of these people will
say thank God their parents lived on the
other side of the country we had more
good days than not but when the parents
were on the scene it was a disaster and
for some of these folks it's before
right before they're gonna have kids and
they say you know what I don't want
these kinds of people to be the
grandparent
of my children and that's what gives
them the courage to say you got to
figure this out if the spouse partner
doesn't figure it out then they're like
I'm out incredible final words on
narcissistic in-laws again it's not just
parents and lot could be siblings in-law
it really comes down to the boundaries
that your partner helps you set down
these may not always be boundaries you
you can do it has to be a cooperative
gesture and if it does really feel like
you're putting your partner in a place
where he or she needs to choose pay
attention to that from the beginning for
people who are in new relationships I
want them to pay attention to that
because they may think they're going to
outsmart this and they'll be fine after
the wedding that you have to be aware
that sometimes people don't want to
choose and if they don't choose you if
they are still under the real control of
a narcissistic parent are you going to
be able to make that work perfect in our
next session we'll talk about what it's
like to have a friend as a narcissist
and what you can do to cope and manage
that thanks for watching check out the
links below for more information on how
to access this full series and subscribe
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