Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships) - Teal Swan

Summary

This script delves into the complexities of relationship compatibility, emphasizing that love isn't always enough to overcome differences. It illustrates how societal expectations and personal traumas can lead to incompatible relationships, resulting in pain and misunderstandings. The speaker suggests that instead of forcing harmony, recognizing and embracing authentic selves and changing relationship roles can lead to healthier connections. The importance of being true to oneself and acknowledging incompatibilities is highlighted as a path to finding true harmony in relationships.

Takeaways

• 🤝 Relationships require mutual comfort and compatibility, which applies to all types, including partnerships, friendships, work, and family.
• 💔 Societal expectations can lead to the misconception that love should overcome all obstacles, potentially resulting in painful relationships.
• 🐦🐟 The difference between love and compatibility is illustrated by the example of a bird and a fish, highlighting that desire for partnership does not guarantee coexistence.
• 🔄 Incompatibility is not merely about differences but about differences that inherently prevent harmonious coexistence.
• 👫 In partnerships, incompatible attachment needs, such as one person desiring closeness and the other valuing independence, can lead to irreconcilable differences.
• 😥 The shame and trauma associated with acknowledging incompatibility can lead to avoidance and denial, which can be detrimental to relationship health.
• 🚫 Attempts to change oneself or a partner to fit the relationship can result in an atmosphere of shame and feelings of being unloved for who one truly is.
• 💡 Authenticity is crucial in relationships; being inauthentic can lead to commitments based on false premises and eventual disappointment.
• 🔄 Changing roles within a relationship or redefining the relationship itself can sometimes resolve incompatibilities, as attraction does not always align with compatibility.
• 🌐 Incompatibility can exist even within family structures, and unresolved childhood wounds can influence adult relationship choices and patterns.

Q & A

Why is it important for both people in a relationship to feel good?

For a relationship to work, it must be a positive experience for both individuals involved, regardless of the type of relationship. This is because mutual satisfaction and comfort form the foundation of a healthy and sustainable connection.

What is the main reason we struggle to maintain positive relationships according to the transcript?

The main reason we struggle is due to societal conditioning that suggests love should overcome all obstacles and that being a good person means being compatible with anyone, which sets unrealistic expectations and can lead to painful relationships.

What is the difference between loving something and being compatible with it?

Loving something is an emotional connection, while compatibility refers to the ability to coexist harmoniously. For instance, a bird may love a fish, but they cannot live together without causing harm to one or the other, illustrating the distinction between love and compatibility.

Why is incompatibility not about having differences, but rather about differences that disrupt harmony?

Incompatibility is about having differences that inherently create an inability to sustain a harmonious relationship. It's not just about differences, but about the nature of those differences that make coexistence and mutual satisfaction impossible.

How does the desire for closeness versus the need for space exemplify incompatibility in a partnership?

Incompatibility is exemplified when one partner desires a close, committed companionship, while the other prefers separate lives with occasional sharing. This fundamental difference in expectations for the relationship creates an irreconcilable incompatibility.

Why is it difficult for people to admit incompatibility in a relationship?

Admitting incompatibility is challenging because it often leads to the painful realization that the relationship may need to change or end. People are often unwilling to face this reality due to the fear of loss, failure, or the emotional turmoil associated with such changes.

What are the common outcomes when incompatibility is not addressed in a relationship?

When incompatibility is not addressed, it can lead to attempts to change oneself or the other person, creating a dynamic of shame, resentment, and a lack of authenticity. This often results in a relationship that is a source of pain and dissatisfaction for both parties.

How does growing up in a dysfunctional family dynamic affect one's ability to form compatible relationships?

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can lead to a lack of self-awareness and an inability to assess compatibility before entering relationships. This may result in repeated patterns of choosing incompatible partners and struggling to maintain healthy, harmonious relationships.

What is the significance of authenticity in relationships, and why is it challenging to achieve?

Authenticity is crucial in relationships as it allows individuals to be true to themselves and their desires. However, it can be challenging to achieve due to societal pressures, personal insecurities, and the fear of rejection or judgment, which may lead people to present a facade rather than their true selves.

How can changing roles within a relationship address incompatibility?

Changing roles within a relationship can address incompatibility by allowing individuals to find a position where they can coexist more harmoniously. For example, someone may not be a good partner but could be a great friend, thus changing the role can lead to a more compatible dynamic.

Why does attraction often not align with compatibility?

Attraction can be a powerful force that draws people together, but it does not inherently consider compatibility. This misalignment occurs because attraction is based on physical, emotional, or idealized factors, whereas compatibility requires a harmonious alignment of life views, values, and long-term goals.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Importance of Compatibility in Relationships

The paragraph discusses the necessity for relationships to be mutually satisfying and compatible. It challenges the societal norm that love should overcome all obstacles, arguing instead that compatibility is crucial for harmony. Using the analogy of a bird and a fish, it explains that love without compatibility can lead to disaster. The speaker emphasizes that incompatibility isn't about mere differences but about differences that inherently prevent a harmonious coexistence. It highlights how incompatibilities, especially in partnerships, can lead to roles that are non-harmonious and suggests that trying to change oneself or the other person to fit the relationship can result in pain and resentment.

05:02

😣 The Pain of Incompatibility and the Impact of Inauthenticity

This section delves into the emotional consequences of incompatibility in relationships, particularly the feeling of being unloved for who one truly is. It points out that serious incompatibilities often lead to partners wanting the other to change, which is unsustainable and can lead to mutual shame. The speaker discusses how inauthenticity in relationships, often stemming from a lack of self-knowledge or societal pressures, can exacerbate these issues. It also touches on how people from dysfunctional family backgrounds might struggle with authenticity and compatibility, leading to a cycle of inauthentic commitments and eventual disappointment.

10:04

🏳️‍🌈 Authenticity and the Search for Compatibility

The paragraph emphasizes the critical role of authenticity in establishing compatible relationships. It uses the example of a gay man in an unaccepting society to illustrate how societal pressures can lead to inauthentic relationships and profound incompatibility. The speaker suggests that knowing oneself and being honest about one's desires are essential for entering into compatible relationships. It introduces the concept of changing roles within a relationship to find compatibility, drawing parallels from the corporate world to personal relationships, and argues that sometimes letting go and changing the nature of a relationship is healthier than forcing it to fit an incompatible mold.

15:05

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Incompatibility in Family and the Quest for Belonging

The final paragraph addresses the often unacknowledged reality of incompatibility within one's family of origin. It challenges the assumption that blood relations guarantee compatibility and suggests that some people might be better suited to different families. The speaker discusses how unhealed wounds from feeling incompatible with one's family can lead to desperate behaviors in relationships, such as clinging to unsuitable partners. It also explores how these wounds can lead to a cycle of incompatibility, with partners often replicating childhood traumas. The paragraph concludes with a call for self-awareness and the importance of choosing compatible partners to heal these wounds and foster healthy relationships.

Keywords

💡Compatibility

Compatibility refers to the ability of two or more things to coexist or work together harmoniously. In the context of the video, compatibility in relationships is crucial for them to be successful and fulfilling. The video discusses how differences that hinder harmony can lead to incompatibility, which can cause significant pain and challenges in relationships. An example from the script is the contrast between someone who desires a close, committed partnership and another who prefers separate lives with occasional sharing.

💡Incompatibility

Incompatibility is the state of being unable to coexist harmoniously due to significant differences. The video uses the analogy of a bird and a fish to illustrate that even if they love each other, they cannot live together without causing harm. In relationships, incompatibility can arise from fundamental differences in desires or needs, such as one person wanting closeness and the other desiring space, leading to an irreconcilable conflict.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity is the quality of being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character. The video emphasizes the importance of being authentic in relationships to ensure compatibility and prevent future pain. It suggests that inauthenticity can lead to relationships built on false premises, which can result in disappointment and a sense of being 'duped' when the true self is revealed. The video also touches on how societal pressures can lead individuals to be inauthentic about their desires, such as a man who doesn't want a family but enters into a committed relationship due to societal expectations.

💡Limerence

Limerence is a state of mind where an individual has strong romantic feelings of infatuation for another person. The video discusses how limerence can cloud judgment, making it difficult to see potential incompatibilities clearly. It suggests that the intense feelings of attraction during limerence can make minor differences seem insignificant, which may later become major sources of conflict in a relationship.

💡Harmony

Harmony refers to a state of agreement or concord, often used to describe a pleasing combination of elements. In the video, harmony is used to describe the ideal state of a relationship where both parties feel fulfilled and content. Incompatibility is presented as a barrier to achieving harmony, as it introduces discord and tension that can disrupt the balance and peace within a relationship.

💡Trauma

Trauma, in the context of the video, refers to deeply distressing or disturbing experiences that can affect a person's mental or emotional state. The video suggests that past traumas, such as attachment issues or abandonment, can influence an individual's desires and expectations in relationships, potentially leading to incompatibilities. It also implies that unresolved trauma can contribute to the perpetuation of unhealthy relationship patterns.

💡Roles in Relationships

Roles in relationships refer to the parts or functions that individuals play within the dynamics of their connections. The video discusses how changing roles can sometimes resolve incompatibilities. For example, someone might be incompatible as a romantic partner but compatible as a friend. The video suggests that understanding and adjusting roles can lead to more harmonious and fulfilling relationships.

💡Shame

Shame, as used in the video, is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrongs or foolish behavior. The video connects shame to the inability to be authentic and the pressure to conform to societal or relationship expectations. It suggests that shame can lead individuals to enter into inauthentic relationships, causing a cycle of disappointment and resentment.

💡Family Incompatibility

Family incompatibility refers to the lack of fit or harmony between an individual and their family of origin. The video posits that not all individuals are naturally compatible with their birth family, and this can lead to a lifelong search for belonging and acceptance. It also suggests that unresolved issues of family incompatibility can manifest in future relationship choices, potentially leading to further incompatibilities.

💡Self-Knowledge

Self-knowledge is the understanding of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires. The video emphasizes the importance of self-knowledge in choosing compatible partners. It suggests that a deep understanding of one's own authentic self can help in identifying potential incompatibilities early on and in making more informed decisions about relationships.

Highlights

Relationships require mutual satisfaction and compatibility for both parties involved.

Societal conditioning often leads to the misconception that love should overcome all differences.

Incompatibility is not about having differences, but having differences that prevent harmony.

Incompatible relationships can arise from attachment needs, such as one partner desiring closeness and the other needing space.

Incompatibility can be irreconcilable, leading to a cycle of trying to change oneself or the partner.

Trauma can play a role in creating different desires for partnership, such as imeshment and abandonment issues.

Authenticity is crucial in relationships; inauthenticity can lead to shame and a lack of harmony.

Incompatibility can be hard to admit, often leading to a torturous dynamic within the relationship.

Attraction often disregards compatibility, leading to relationships with those who are not well-suited.

Changing roles within a relationship can resolve incompatibility, such as transitioning from a romantic to a friendship role.

Incompatibility within one's family of origin can lead to a pattern of seeking incompatible partners in adulthood.

Understanding and healing from childhood wounds can help in choosing compatible partners and avoiding repeating past relationship patterns.

The importance of knowing oneself and being authentic before entering relationships to assess compatibility.

Life changes and personal growth can alter compatibility over time, emphasizing the need for continuous self-awareness.

The concept of 'adult adoption' as a means to find compatibility and healing in relationships.

The role of societal expectations and taboos in shaping our approach to incompatibility and relationship roles.

Transcripts

For relationships to work

they have to feel good to both people involved in the relationship.

This goes for any style of relationships

whether its a partnership, a friendship,

a work relationship or a family relationship.

Easier said than done, I know,

but one of the main reasons why we can't keep a relationship feeling good

We have been conditioned to believe that love should triumph over all.

We've been conditioned to believe that if we're truly a good person,

we should be able to be in relationship with anybody on earth.

I'm going to tell you today that if you are holding yourself to this expectation,

your relationships will end up in pain.

There's a big difference between loving something

and being compatible with something.

A bird may love a fish, for example,

but if their desire to be partners requires that their live together,

what this means is, one or the other will die.

Incompatibility is the condition of two things

being so different to nature and as uncomplimentary in that difference

that they are incapable of coexisting harmoniously.

It's really important to understand this distinction

because incompatibility is not about having differences.

Incompatibility is about having differences

that in and of themselves create an incapacity to sustain harmony.

Specifically.

What Incompatibility is really about is

putting people with these non harmonious differences

in roles or positions with each other

that require there, to be either no difference

or that require a difference that is non harmonious in nature

to be harmonious.

This issue with incompatibilities is present in all kinds of relationships,

but nowhere is it more glaring than in partnerships.

Now we see this all the time in the human race

relative to attachment needs.

Here is the most common set up:

You have one person who genuinely desires a close committed companionship

and this person wants one life with someone,

and that type of closeness

is literally their biggest desire on earth.

This is a relationship where both people are living life

as a joined adventure and are taking responsibility for one another.

Its assumed in this relationship that they are doing everything together

unless it's mutually agreed that they will do it otherwise.

Now this person finds somebody else

in this other half of the partnership, who wants the exact opposite

this person really likes their space.

This person wants themself and their partner

to live totally separate lives

and to come together as the more of sharing act

about what each experienced individually in their own lifes.

This partnership is not a relationship where

they take responsibility for one another and

it's assumed that they're doing everything separately

except for at nighttime when they go to sleep,

or when its mutually agreed upon that they will do otherwise.

This is an example of an incompatibility that has absolutely no remedy.

Because obviously, both people have a different version

of what partnership they actually want.

And if either partner conforms to the idea of the other person

they will suffer.

This relationship is a guarantee that either

one partner will feel limited not free and suffocated

or the other will feel constantly pushed away and abandoned.

There's often Trauma that goes into creating

these extremely different desires for partnership,

specifically imeshment on one side,

and abandonment trauma on the other side,

but it doesn't matter because even if trauma was recreated our desires

in the first place, it doesnt change them.

Number 1 and Number 2

You can't spend your life in a partnership trying to heal

the other person out of their desires.

When incompatibility is present in a relationship

it is very difficult for people to admit to it

to change the nature of their relationship

to change their roles in each others lifes

or to end their relationship.

We want everything to work out so incredibly badly

that we won't admit to the incompatibility that exists

because of what admitting to that incompatibility

would mean to us specifically.

So we go about our lives usually avoiding admitting

to the incompatibilities that exist within ourselves and other people.

Now this creates a dynamic that is torturous

and it actually condemns relationships to end.

Because what are we going to do

if we can't be completely authentic about the incompatibility?

We're gonna go about our lives doing one of two things or often both.

A. We're going to try to change ourselves desperately

to fit into whatever they need us to be

so that we are more compatible or we are going constantly to tell them

that they are wrong for their desires so that they should conform to us.

And this creates an atmosphere of shame in the relationship.

In other words,

When we make the other person wrong for their difference

we come up with the reason why they are wrong for it,

and then try to heal them out of that difference

or try to change it so it doesn't exist.

This never works cause if you try the message

conveyed by approaching them in this manner is:

"You need to be fixed because something is wrong with you."

they will feel completely unloved by you

unaccepted, unwanted as they are and therefore hurt and resentful.

One of the main signs of incompatibility in a relationship

is that one or both partners feel completely and totally unloved

for who they are.

Of course this often occurs because

the truth is if either partner has a serious incompatibility,

the truth is that they are not gonna be able to say

I really want my partner to be exactly who they are.

If they are really brutally honest with themselves

which we know its hard cause we will feel like we're bad people

for admitting it, we actually do want our partner to be a different person.

The truth will be, that you want them to change

and that who they are in this moment, if nothing else changed

causes you pain.

If there is a genuine incompatibility in a relationship

you will spend your time vacillating between

wanting them to be a different person

and wishing that you yourself was a different person.

Obviously, that's a recipe for absolute disaster in your relationships.

It's a guarantee that that relationship is gonna turn

into your greatest source of pain in life.

This mutual shame created by incompatibility is greatly enhanced

if either person is unable to be authentic.

And this is very common if one or both partners

came from a type of a household

which is quite common, in a disfunctual familiy dynamic,

where they were never allow to have themselves.

Many people grow up in households that have no respect

for boundaries and so safety in the house

is about throwing your unique identity away

to create social harmony rather than develop

a solid core and really knowing yourself.

When this is the case a person grows into an adult

that does not know himself or herself at all.

Because of this, this person wants a relationship

but has no capacity to assess compatibility

before entering into a relationship.

Instead they will try to become and promise to be

exactly what the other person wants and needs.

This will be impossible to maintain.

One thing that we have to get is we can never deny our authentic truth

it is absolutely impossible.

It will come out in all kinds of subconscious ways.

So sooner or later, the truth will come out.

The problem is if you are not authentic from the get go

and if you don't know who you are from the get go,

what happens is you commit to a relationship

where the difference is, that are then exposed

already make for an impossibility to create harmony in that relationship.

A bunch more people get hurt.

Now the main reason that we attend to be inauthentic

is because we feel so much shame around our authentic truth.

So many people walking the planet today

have an authentic truth that society has condemned to such a degree

they can't even admit that it exists in themselves.

For example they are so many men walking the planet today,

who don't actually like the idea of creating a committed family,

But that seems to be the only way that they can get any type

of emotional or sexual connection

and it's the only way that they can get suitability and security.

So what do they do?

They get into a comitted relationship

where they have to put 100% of themselves

into a partnership they don't even really want.

It's transactional, because they can't stand up in today's society and say:

"I am not a family guy."

"I really don't want that at all in fact."

They've already been taught that, that makes him a total asshole.

So obviously being able to be authentic about that

is a hundred times harder.

But if this type of man is not authentic

about that, and commits in a relationship,

that is a recipe for a partner and also children,

who are constantly disappointed by how much he isn't there.

Basically we feel the consequence of being authentic

is not something we can face.

but the truth comes out, as it always does,

in subsconscious ways.

We send mixed messages constantly and other people

start to guess at our truth even when we deny it.

But what we have to see is that we are setting ourselves up by doing this

we are also setting other people up.

We are setting ourselves up to be loved for the mask

that we present to the world.

Now it's a really big deal for us

to be loved for who we really are,

but if you walk into a relationship with an inauthentic premise,

that is what people are saying yes to.

That's what they are saying: "I chose and I love."

So when we then remove the mask and say: "love me for who I am.",

our likelihood of the answer being:

"Okay sure I can do that." is slim to nothing.

Because they are agreed to the mask,

when we removed it they feel duped

and often reject who we really are.

We are also setting them up

because what we are doing is we are presenting a face

for them to commit to.

Because we're not coming in an authentic way,

we are asking them to commit to something that is actually false.

And we are asking them to assess compatibility,

with something that is in fact incompatible.

So obviously, when the mask comes off,

the've just been completely screwed over.

One of the best examples of this is a gay man,

now let's say that a gay man is raised

in a society that believes that being gay is a complete abondimation

Not only he risk even losing his family,

but also risks eternal damnation.

Now, let's say that is deeply embedded in him and he actually believes it.

Now, let's say that this man because of all of this,

can't be authentic about who he is,

so he decides to be in a relationship

or even marry a woman.

They are not compatible in the role that they're entering into together

but the truth will not come out until later

when there is a whole lot more of a consequence

for all parties involved to discover that there is an irreconcilable incompatibility

To learn how to be authentic I want you to watch my video titled:

"How To Be Authentic"

It is critical that we know ourselves when we get into relationships.

Because if we don't,

it is often a setup for incompatibility.

Sometimes when we experience an incompatibility

we can find a third option,

that is some arrangement that actually perfectly

suits both of our needs and both of our desires.

However, if it is impossible to find

a third option that works for either party

because the incompatibility is that extreme,

The relationship is doomed to die in the form, that its in.

It's at this point that I want to present

a new style of relationship to you.

Now it used to be that if there is incompatibility

two people just went their separate ways

and because of all the pain and shame that came up

kind of hated each other and each blame the other one for

why the relationship didnt work

Thats old consciousness stuff!

What we are moving into now

is the concept that if we are incompatible

because of the role we are currently in,

potentially we will find our compatibility by changing roles.

In other words, when we cannot find a third option

arrangement that feels good to both people,

it's usually because the person is in the wrong role in your life.

In fact, the only way to resolve the incompatibility

so there is any harmony is to change the role they are in.

This is very much the case in companies in the corporate sphere.

For example someone who is in the role of manager may be terrible as a manager

therefore incompatible to the company itself,

but maybe perfect in customers support.

This is also very much the case in partnerships.

for example, a person can be truly incompatible

as a partner but maybe a truly great friend.

And what is true is that our loving of someone

is really about our capacity to change

someones role in our life.

Even though it may be a painful process of letting go

and of change, rather than to reject or to hate them

or punish them for not being compatible to us,

in the role that we want them in.

And or to throw them out of our life completely.

The single hardest thing by far

when it comes to incompatibility or compatibility in general

is that attraction has absolutely no respect for compatibility.

It's almost like compatibility is not even something

that attraction thinks about.

So it is very possible for you to be attracted to somebody

who is completely incompatible to you.

I will be talking in a future episode

about the real reason why we feel attracted to

who we feel attracted to.

Hopefully I won't destroy relationships for you with that video.

But I will be talking about this in the future because it is really important to understand.

The thing is when we feel ourselves super attracted to somebody

the gravity we feel towards them makes it feel right to go towards them

and we could argue that in a universal sense

because relationships are all about growth,

it maybe right to go towards them but

it's not an indication of compatibility.

Now when we feel that intens gravity, that desire to be close to somebody

it is very difficult in that limerence phase

for us to be clear about reality versus fantasy

of what it could be.

We have a hard time seeing people for who they actually are

because it's almost like we've got rosy colored sunglasses on

We don't see the actuality of people when we are that attracted to them.

That's number one, number two,

its very easy when we are in the limerence phase

to look at incompatibilities that exist that we do see

as if they are very small,

not realizing that down the line

in long run those little incompatibilities

may actually be huge ones.

A good example of this is religion.

There are some religion where it's a massive incompatibility

if a partner is a different religion than another partner.

Now in other religions it's not such a big deal,

But let's look at this.

let's take somebody who is mormon, so this is the lds religion

Obviously in that type of religion,

the desire is to be with a partner who can be with

in the celestial afterlife.

Now a person can't get to the celestial afterlife

if they are non mormon.

So by committing to a non mormon,

what you are basically committing to is being

only with them temporarily in this life and not for eternity.

So you are gonna basically lose them.

Obviously, not only that, but also the fact that it's not a Sunday religion,

it's like a lifestyle and everyday type of religion.

Makes it so that if somebody is not that same religion

It's a massive incompatibility.

And this especially comes up when children are born.

This incompatibility would create disharmony

in the relationship that ultimately would probably end the relationship.

Now there may be another religion like

Presbyterian and Episcopalian where it really doesn't matter and it doesn't

and it doesn't create that much of an incompatibility

for two people to have that difference.

So yet again, incompatibility is not about having differences

it's about having differences that prevent harmony.

They make harmony impossible.

Another thing that is very hard for us to swallow and accept,

is that we often were incompatible with the very family we were born into.

It's a basic assumption that if you were born

into a family, that you automatically fit in there

there and you are compatible with them.

It's not the case.

Of course like most things that I say

it's totally taboo to say that in today society.

It's a reality no one wants to face!

If our differences cannot be accommodated by

or accepted by our family

the reality is that many of us would have ended up

much better in a different family,

but adoption is a very hard thing emotionally

for all parties and it is not socially accepted

for adoption to occur on these grounds

of incompatibility with the family.

As a result when this was the case

we developed a self core concept of shame.

This was our experience and therefore our core wounding.

We carry this unhealed wound into adulthood

and so we find ourselves in relationships with incompatible partners

over and over again until we can find a resolution

to this wound and be aware enough

to consciously choose a compatible partner.

I am gonna give you a little consciousness treat here

which is a tiny bit of a side note that goes off of

or dovetails off of this conversation.

People who are incompatible with their family

felt completely shamed, denied, rejected

and disowned for who they were.

They are desperate to belong.

These are the most desperate people in relationships

on the planet earth.

They tend to cling.

They need closeness so bad it's ridiculous.

They cant asses incompatibility.

And even after incompatibilities arise

they lack the capacity to break the connection

because they are so desperate for it.

It's a bit like somebody who will drink poison water

because they are so so thirsty that they can't not.

Now this is the really crappy part, because of this unhealed wound

the partners that they are a match to

are often the partners who have the exact opposite wounding.

These are the people who did find a way to throw away their

personal identity for the sake of other people in their lives.

So they experienced imeshment trauma.

They had to throw identity, preferences,

thoughts, feelings, needs and desires away to be

compatible with one of the adults in their home.

If they were incompatible and it created a social disharmony

that they could not live with.

This person has no idea who they are

and therefor cant be authentic.

This person also experiences relationships as suffocating

and will push partners away.

Therefore this relationship becomes a relationship of extreme incompatibility

where both partners are playing out

an exact replication of their own childhood wounding.

The main incompatibility being that one person will feel constantly

imprisoned by their relationship and as if they are losing themselves

the other will feel constantly pushed away and abandoned

and both will feel ashamed for who they are.

Now the universe is not doing this to be cruel.

It's doing it to try to make both partners completely aware of this wound

so that it can be consciously mended.

The way that it would be consciously mendend is as follows;

One will heal it by consciously finding true compatibility

in a kind of an adult adoption process.

The other will feel it by consciously choosing

to live in alignment with their authenticity

and have someone love them as they are

even if that love takes the shape of changing the role

they are playing in someone's life.

The argument that some people make

that you have to put a lot of effort and a lot of time into figuring out in

who the hell somebody really is before you genuinely commit to them,

has a lot of weight when it comes to this

argument about incompatibility.

The reality is that life changes.

People change and you can't force people to be authentic.

So it's very difficult to 100% guarantee

that you are going to be completely compatible

with this person when you meet them.

Or even several years into the relationship.

I mean lord knows, people who have had midlife crisis,

what that is, is "I haven't really been authentic my whole life,

and suddenly there's so much pressure on the aspects I haven't been authentic about

that it all comes and takes over the show.

However,

genuinely knowing yourself and being brutally honest with you about

your internal truth including your personal preferences,

feelings, thoughts, wants, needs and dislikes

will make it much easier to see what differences

between you and people will make for genuine incompatibility

What this will do is allow you to put people

in positions and roles in your life, where they truly belong.

In roles and positions where both of you

can make each other genuinly happy.

Have a good week.