Partners of Trans Series Part 3 | Initial Shock Phase

Summary

In this video, Dr. Ziama Klinkov, a psychologist specializing in transgender care, discusses the emotional challenges faced by partners when a transgender partner comes out. The video focuses on the 'initial shock' phase, where partners often react in two ways: catastrophizing with overwhelming anxiety and ultimatums, or denial with overly supportive behavior. Dr. Klinkov explains how both reactions are defense mechanisms rooted in fear and loss of control. She emphasizes the importance of avoiding ultimatums and finding a balanced approach to cope with the changes in the relationship.

Takeaways

• 🧠 The video is part three of a series discussing the emotional responses of partners when their trans partner comes out to them.
• 😧 The 'initial shock' phase follows the coming out phase and involves processing and stabilizing the information revealed by the trans partner.
• 🫣 Partners typically fall into two main groups: those who catastrophize and those who fall into denial.
• 💥 The catastrophizing group experiences overwhelming anxiety, fears about the future, and thoughts like 'What will happen to us?' or 'What will others think?'
• 🗣️ In response, partners in this group may issue ultimatums such as 'If you transition, I will leave.' These ultimatums generally do not work and can cause resentment.
• 🙅‍♀️ Ultimatums, while often stemming from fear, lead to no-win situations and long-term harm to the relationship.
• 🙇‍♂️ The denial group tends to be overly supportive at first, minimizing the potential challenges and acting like everything is okay, which may later lead to emotional fallout.
• 🤷‍♀️ Denial is often a defense mechanism to maintain a sense of control, but it may not acknowledge the seriousness of the situation.
• 👥 Both groups—those who catastrophize and those in denial—fear losing their partner but express that fear in different ways (e.g., ultimatums vs. over-supportiveness).
• 💔 The video encourages partners to avoid ultimatums and acknowledge the complexities of their emotions, suggesting that parting amicably may sometimes be the best outcome.

Q & A

What is the purpose of this video series?

The video series aims to help both trans partners and their cisgender partners understand the emotions and challenges that arise when a trans partner comes out. It provides guidance on how to cope with these feelings and navigate the transition in a relationship.

What is the 'initial shock' phase in the context of a partner coming out as trans?

The 'initial shock' phase refers to the period after a trans partner comes out, where the cis partner begins to process and stabilize their emotions. This can last anywhere from days to months, depending on the individual, and is marked by the initial settling in of the new reality.

What are the two common reactions partners experience during the 'initial shock' phase?

Partners often fall into one of two groups: those who catastrophize, feeling overwhelming anxiety and fear about the future, and those who enter denial, becoming overly supportive while not fully acknowledging the seriousness of the situation.

What does it mean for a partner to 'catastrophize' during the initial shock phase?

Catastrophizing involves thinking of worst-case scenarios, such as fearing for the future of the relationship, questioning their own sexuality, or worrying about how others, including children, will react. This anxiety can lead to panic or even ultimatums.

Why are ultimatums not recommended during the initial shock phase?

Ultimatums, such as telling a partner they must choose between the relationship or transitioning, rarely work. They create a no-win situation where one person feels forced to give up something important, often leading to resentment and worsening the relationship.

What is the typical emotional reaction of someone in the denial group?

People in denial often react by being overly supportive, trying to maintain control of the situation by accommodating their partner's transition. They may downplay the significance of the changes in their relationship, which can be problematic in the long term.

Why is being overly supportive seen as a form of denial?

Overly supportive reactions can signal that the partner isn't fully processing the gravity of the situation. While support is important, failing to acknowledge personal feelings of discomfort or the potential impact on the relationship can lead to later emotional challenges.

How do both groups, catastrophizers and deniers, attempt to control the situation?

Both groups fear losing their partner, but they handle it differently. Catastrophizers try to control the situation by issuing ultimatums, while deniers try to maintain control by being overly supportive, hoping to keep the relationship intact.

Why might ultimatums lead to resentment in a relationship?

Ultimatums can force a partner to choose between staying in the relationship or transitioning, which can cause them to feel trapped. If they choose the relationship, they may harbor resentment toward their partner for preventing them from living authentically.

What is Dr. Klinkov's advice for partners who decide the relationship isn't right for them?

Dr. Klinkov advises that if a partner decides the relationship is no longer viable, it’s important to acknowledge the emotional investment and attempt to part amicably. This is especially important if there are shared responsibilities, like children or pets.