Partners of Trans Series Part 3 | Initial Shock Phase

Summary

In this video, Dr. Ziama Klinkov, a psychologist specializing in transgender care, discusses the emotional challenges faced by partners when a transgender partner comes out. The video focuses on the 'initial shock' phase, where partners often react in two ways: catastrophizing with overwhelming anxiety and ultimatums, or denial with overly supportive behavior. Dr. Klinkov explains how both reactions are defense mechanisms rooted in fear and loss of control. She emphasizes the importance of avoiding ultimatums and finding a balanced approach to cope with the changes in the relationship.

Takeaways

• 🧠 The video is part three of a series discussing the emotional responses of partners when their trans partner comes out to them.
• 😧 The 'initial shock' phase follows the coming out phase and involves processing and stabilizing the information revealed by the trans partner.
• 🫣 Partners typically fall into two main groups: those who catastrophize and those who fall into denial.
• 💥 The catastrophizing group experiences overwhelming anxiety, fears about the future, and thoughts like 'What will happen to us?' or 'What will others think?'
• 🗣️ In response, partners in this group may issue ultimatums such as 'If you transition, I will leave.' These ultimatums generally do not work and can cause resentment.
• 🙅‍♀️ Ultimatums, while often stemming from fear, lead to no-win situations and long-term harm to the relationship.
• 🙇‍♂️ The denial group tends to be overly supportive at first, minimizing the potential challenges and acting like everything is okay, which may later lead to emotional fallout.
• 🤷‍♀️ Denial is often a defense mechanism to maintain a sense of control, but it may not acknowledge the seriousness of the situation.
• 👥 Both groups—those who catastrophize and those in denial—fear losing their partner but express that fear in different ways (e.g., ultimatums vs. over-supportiveness).
• 💔 The video encourages partners to avoid ultimatums and acknowledge the complexities of their emotions, suggesting that parting amicably may sometimes be the best outcome.

Q & A

What is the purpose of this video series?

The video series aims to help both trans partners and their cisgender partners understand the emotions and challenges that arise when a trans partner comes out. It provides guidance on how to cope with these feelings and navigate the transition in a relationship.

What is the 'initial shock' phase in the context of a partner coming out as trans?

The 'initial shock' phase refers to the period after a trans partner comes out, where the cis partner begins to process and stabilize their emotions. This can last anywhere from days to months, depending on the individual, and is marked by the initial settling in of the new reality.

What are the two common reactions partners experience during the 'initial shock' phase?

Partners often fall into one of two groups: those who catastrophize, feeling overwhelming anxiety and fear about the future, and those who enter denial, becoming overly supportive while not fully acknowledging the seriousness of the situation.

What does it mean for a partner to 'catastrophize' during the initial shock phase?

Catastrophizing involves thinking of worst-case scenarios, such as fearing for the future of the relationship, questioning their own sexuality, or worrying about how others, including children, will react. This anxiety can lead to panic or even ultimatums.

Why are ultimatums not recommended during the initial shock phase?

Ultimatums, such as telling a partner they must choose between the relationship or transitioning, rarely work. They create a no-win situation where one person feels forced to give up something important, often leading to resentment and worsening the relationship.

What is the typical emotional reaction of someone in the denial group?

People in denial often react by being overly supportive, trying to maintain control of the situation by accommodating their partner's transition. They may downplay the significance of the changes in their relationship, which can be problematic in the long term.

Why is being overly supportive seen as a form of denial?

Overly supportive reactions can signal that the partner isn't fully processing the gravity of the situation. While support is important, failing to acknowledge personal feelings of discomfort or the potential impact on the relationship can lead to later emotional challenges.

How do both groups, catastrophizers and deniers, attempt to control the situation?

Both groups fear losing their partner, but they handle it differently. Catastrophizers try to control the situation by issuing ultimatums, while deniers try to maintain control by being overly supportive, hoping to keep the relationship intact.

Why might ultimatums lead to resentment in a relationship?

Ultimatums can force a partner to choose between staying in the relationship or transitioning, which can cause them to feel trapped. If they choose the relationship, they may harbor resentment toward their partner for preventing them from living authentically.

What is Dr. Klinkov's advice for partners who decide the relationship isn't right for them?

Dr. Klinkov advises that if a partner decides the relationship is no longer viable, it’s important to acknowledge the emotional investment and attempt to part amicably. This is especially important if there are shared responsibilities, like children or pets.

Outlines

00:00

🎥 Introduction to the Series

Dr. Ziama Klinkov, a psychologist specializing in transgender care, introduces the third part of a series focused on understanding the emotional experiences of partners when their transgender partners come out. This video will discuss the 'initial shock' phase following the coming out period, offering insights for both partners and transgender individuals.

05:01

😨 The Initial Shock Phase: Catastrophizing

After the coming out phase, partners may enter a period called 'initial shock,' where the reality of the situation begins to settle in. During this phase, partners might experience overwhelming anxiety and catastrophizing thoughts, worrying about the future, their relationship, and their own sexuality. This phase can lead to panic attacks or depression, and partners may resort to ultimatums, which are generally not recommended as they often lead to resentment and further complications in the relationship.

10:02

⚠️ The Dangers of Ultimatums

Dr. Klinkov warns against the use of ultimatums during the initial shock phase, as they rarely result in positive outcomes. Ultimatums can force the transgender partner to choose between their transition and their relationship, which may lead to resentment and ultimately the dissolution of the relationship. Instead, it’s important to respect the personal investment in the relationship and consider more compassionate approaches.

15:02

🙈 The Denial Response

Some partners may respond to the initial shock with denial, refusing to fully acknowledge the reality and seriousness of the situation. These partners might become overly supportive, ignoring the emotional turmoil they may be experiencing. This defense mechanism, while well-intentioned, can prevent them from addressing the deep changes occurring in their relationship, and may eventually lead to a delayed emotional response once the reality sets in.

💬 Engaging with the Audience

Dr. Klinkov encourages viewers to share their experiences in the comments, asking whether they fell into the category of catastrophizing or denial, and how they navigated these phases. The video also invites transgender partners to share their observations of their partners’ reactions, fostering a discussion that may help others in similar situations. Viewers are also encouraged to stay tuned for the next part of the series.

Keywords

💡Initial Shock

The 'Initial Shock' refers to the phase after a trans partner comes out, during which the non-trans partner begins to emotionally and mentally process the news. In this phase, partners start to comprehend the full implications of their partner’s transition, which can lead to feelings of uncertainty, confusion, and emotional overwhelm. This concept is central to the video as it marks the period where partners react to the change in their relationship.

💡Catastrophizing

Catastrophizing is a psychological process where a person imagines the worst possible outcomes, often leading to overwhelming anxiety and fear. In the video, this term is used to describe one reaction some partners may have during the initial shock phase. Partners may begin to fear how their future will be impacted, such as worries about how to explain the situation to children or concerns about societal judgment.

💡Ultimatums

Ultimatums are rigid demands that one partner may present to their trans partner, such as 'If you transition, I will leave you.' The video emphasizes how ultimatums are often used as a defense mechanism by partners feeling a loss of control, but ultimately, they do not work in maintaining healthy relationships. Ultimatums often lead to resentment, and the video advises against using them.

💡Denial

Denial refers to the emotional response in which a partner refuses to acknowledge the seriousness or reality of their trans partner’s coming out. In the video, it is described as an overly supportive reaction that fails to recognize the magnitude of the relationship change. The denial phase can manifest as partners acting as if everything will remain the same or pretending to be unfazed by the news.

💡Transphobia

Transphobia is the irrational fear or prejudice against transgender people. The video points out that cultural transphobia can unconsciously affect the way partners react when their trans partner comes out. For example, partners may experience internalized transphobia that influences their feelings of shame or fear of social judgment, even if they consider themselves supportive.

💡Sense of Catastrophe

The 'Sense of Catastrophe' is a heightened emotional state in which the partner feels that everything in their life is falling apart. This concept is tied to catastrophizing but emphasizes the overwhelming feeling of loss and anxiety about the future. In the video, partners might worry about losing their family, children, or social status, contributing to a fear-driven reaction.

💡Overly Supportive

Being 'Overly Supportive' refers to a reaction where the partner suppresses their true emotions, offering excessive support in order to maintain control over the situation. In the video, this type of support is seen as a form of denial, where partners may not fully acknowledge how deeply the change is affecting them. For example, they may quickly suggest helping their partner transition, without processing their own feelings.

💡Partner Investment

Partner investment refers to the emotional, financial, and personal resources that partners have put into their relationship. The video highlights how the realization of a trans partner's transition can make non-trans partners feel like their investment is at risk. This sense of loss can intensify feelings of fear and anxiety, leading to reactions such as ultimatums or denial.

💡Coming Out Phase

The 'Coming Out Phase' is the initial period in which a trans person reveals their gender identity to their partner. This is a significant moment that sets the stage for the emotional and psychological reactions discussed in the video. During this phase, the partner starts processing the information, which eventually leads to the 'Initial Shock' phase.

💡Gender Identity

Gender identity is an individual's personal sense of their gender, which may or may not correspond with the sex they were assigned at birth. The video discusses how a trans partner coming out with a different gender identity from what the relationship was initially based on can trigger a crisis for the non-trans partner, leading to questions about sexuality and the future of the relationship.

Highlights

Introduction to the partner series, focusing on partners of transgender individuals and how they can cope when their partner comes out.

Discussion of the 'coming out phase' in part two, where partners experience emotional reactions as they process their transgender partner's identity.

Explanation of the 'initial shock phase' that follows the coming out period, where partners process and digest the new information.

Two primary groups are identified during the initial shock phase: those who catastrophize and those who fall into denial.

Catastrophizing group experiences overwhelming anxiety and fear about the future, often worrying about how the transition will impact relationships, children, and societal perception.

Partners in the catastrophizing group may question their own sexuality, which can cause further confusion and emotional distress.

Ultimatums often emerge from this anxiety, with partners threatening to leave or end the relationship if their transgender partner transitions.

Doctor advises against ultimatums, as they rarely lead to positive outcomes and can foster resentment between partners.

Denial group tends to be overly supportive initially, offering assistance without fully acknowledging the gravity of the situation.

Overly supportive partners may ignore their own emotional needs, which can lead to problems later when reality sets in.

The danger in denial is not processing the true impact that the transition may have on the relationship.

Both catastrophizing and denial are defense mechanisms partners use to try to control a situation that feels out of control.

The longer the relationship, the more complex and nuanced the emotional reactions and challenges become.

The speaker emphasizes empathy for both partners and the transgender individual, acknowledging that this is a difficult situation for all involved.

Encouragement to acknowledge the reality of the situation, avoid asking 'why me?' and instead focus on how to adapt and move forward.

Transcripts

[Music]

hi everyone i'm doctor ziama klinkov

psychologist specializing in transgender

care welcome to my channel this is a

part three of partner series videos uh

to discuss what may be happening to the

partners when your trans partners come

out to you what you may be feeling how

to best steal and cope with it and this

is also a series for trans partners

themselves to better understand what the

partners may be going through

in the second video in part two i talked

about coming out face and i talked about

what you may be feeling when a partner

comes out to you and i broke it down

into three groups um that most likely

tend to occur uh when trans partners

come out to you in this video i'll be

talking about after that coming out

phase usually what happens after the

coming out phase is there's a period of

time for each one of you the period of

time is going to be different for some

of you it could be several days for

others could be several weeks for some

it could be as long as several months

after the period wears off however long

it is for you what happens next is what

i call initial shock

initial shock is when that part of

whatever happened in coming out the

information remember i said it's going

to

take some time to digest and to process

information that your trans partner has

presented you when they did come out so

what happens in initial shock uh phase

is that that's the period of time when

suddenly

things are settling in suddenly all of

that processing all the cells are

starting to really kind of um well

they're really starting to in a way

stabilize themselves in this initial

shock phase i have observed that

partners tend to fall into two primary

groups again just with any of my videos

i tend to group things in the categories

to make things easier and simple

but a lot of times we have things that

go beyond those two groups this is just

the most too common that i have observed

in working with couples in therapy

group number one of initial shock phase

is when as a result of things settling

in and the emotions and feelings

settling in and kind of stabilizing

themselves

partners may feel

a sense of catastrophe coming over a

sense of overwhelming anxiety coming

over

um

what i mean by sense of catastrophe is

that you had space your mind space

starts to spin into a very

catastrophizing narrative in a sense of

really worrying about the future you may

be subtly experiencing thoughts such as

oh my god i am terrified what's going to

happen oh my god what's going to happen

to our kids how are you now going to

come out our kids if you have kids what

are others are going to think suddenly

you're overly concerned about what

others are going to think maybe some of

your thoughts may even come out from

social cultural uh sense of transphobia

that has accumulated in all of us by the

way this is not to pinpoint on partners

we all have cultural transphobia it's a

byproduct of living in a transphobic

world and so as a result you have all of

these feelings come up in a sense of

overwhelming anxiety and very big

catastrophizing

tendencies

other form of catastrophizing could be

starting to thinking about your intimate

life is this partner you may start

questioning yourself wait a second

i'm not a lesbian or wait a second i'm

not a gay man or wait a second i'm not

bisexual so you're starting to question

your sexuality because your partners

seem to express their true authentic

gender the genders that you found

yourself initially attracted to that

lend you into relationship is now

shifting and because it is now shifting

you're suddenly starting to question

your sexuality which is normal which is

exactly what happens um you will

question your sexuality but that's going

to be also part of this catastrophizing

phase where suddenly

you're overwhelmed where suddenly

everything just seems like it's never

going to work out everything seems like

it's going to fall apart

you may even have a panic attack

sometimes people have panic attacks

sometimes people just get really

depressed thinking about this

catastrophizing period

a lot of times what i see partners do

and i really do not recommend doing this

during this catastrophizing phase is

because they get so terrified and so

scared of losing their trans partners or

losing

everything they have to build up up to

this point because let's acknowledge for

a lot of you it's the whole life you had

built up with this trans person it's a

whole

you may have decades together you may

have a house together you may have

children together you may have paths

together you may have so many other

things memories shared histories

together and it's a personal investment

relationships are absolutely personal

investment

and when things happen that potentially

rock the loss of the personal investment

well it's going to scare us and terrify

us and that's what's happening to you is

that it scares you and terrifies you and

out of that fear

one of the defenses that i see partners

employ which again i don't recommend

because it just doesn't work it doesn't

serve anybody

are ultimatums so if you're listening to

this in your radio gone through

catastrophizing face and you already

employed ultimatums you know what i'm

talking about and if you haven't gotten

through this phase just be mindful of

that ultimatums what are they usually

the sound something along the lines of

partners telling their trans partners

i'm going to leave you if you're going

to transition i'm going to divorce you

if you're going to transition

if you tradition you're going to lose

everything if you transition

i'm taking the kids and i'm walking away

it's a very drastic me

or

or transition type of option there's no

win-win there's only one way and it's

either gonna be my way or it's gonna be

your way

um

you have to realize that

it's no win-win situation if the person

chooses your ultimatum then they lose

and if you choose

to walk away you also lose so it's a

no-win-win i also don't like all

ultimatums because

telling your partner telling your trans

partner during this time period that

if you transition

i'm going to leave you if you transition

i'm going to divorce you

you're basically telling them but if you

don't transition i'll stay with you and

i just don't see how is that

relationship going to work out for you

now that you know the true gender

identity of your partner aren't you

afraid that as a result they will start

harboring and cultivating contempt and

resentment to overdue which by the way

happens all of the time so just think

when things

of such seriousness as generally is what

it comes up in relationship

and if a person really feels like they

need to transition especially if you

feel like they need to transition

ultimatums just never sure of anybody so

i want you to be keep keep mindful

about that now remember how i said in

part one of the video as partners you

always have a sense of agency you also

always have a sense of

your own independence to be able to make

decisions for you and if you truly

decide that this relationship is not for

you

i will be the first person to 100

support your decision because i think we

all have to do what's best for us this

is also why the partners are coming out

to you because they have to decide

what's ultimately best for their health

but to throw away ultimatums and to tell

a person you have to choose it's almost

like telling somebody um that really

needs medical attention that i will

leave you if you get this medical

attention so you have to understand that

it doesn't really work like that so

very much caution partners against

ultimatums uh they never work i have yet

to show ultimatum work they always have

even worse consequences and people just

end up resentful hateful toward each

other and things end up ending anyway

i'd rather for people in a relationship

if it's not going to work out for you if

you're going to decide this just changes

the nature of relationship completely to

such extent that i don't see this is

happening i don't see this is making it

which happens and i have to acknowledge

that happens i just for both of you to

appreciate and respect the investment

you put into it and to part

still being acquaintances in the very

least friends in the very best

still parents if you have children or

pets

in a very very best case that's what i

really want for everybody uh versus

having this

breakaway because of the old latin so

that's group number one that tends to

react when catastrophizing uh during

initial shock happens you tend to

catastrophize anxiety takes over as a

result fears come up all of these fears

what's now as a result of fears you may

offer ultimatums now i want to

acknowledge there are partners sometimes

who do offer ultimatums and they don't

necessarily mean it when they do it it's

more a defense mechanism in order to

try to hold on and control and have

control over situations that they feel

they don't have control over that's a

different scenario a lot of times those

partners come back and they say you know

what i didn't really mean it

not drastically

but that's what i felt at the moment so

that's a different scenario too but

ultimate items that you truly mean

um

they just don't work people i'm sorry if

they truly do not work i don't know a

couple therapists who is going to tell

you that ultimatums ever work in a

relationship

so that's group number one another group

that tends to fall into a pattern uh

most commonly if you're not feeling

catastrophizing and sense of anxiety

during initial shock what another group

tends to feel is an overwhelming sense

of denial and overwhelming sense of

denial in a sense of um

where you're really not acknowledging

the

reality you're really not acknowledged

not even reality but you're not

acknowledging the seriousness of the

situation in a sense that you're not

allowing yourself to accept

to what extent it's going to change

things in your relationship because it

does change things in a relationship

so as a result what happens in this

phase of denial for those people the

ways they tend to come out

when trans partners come out and express

themselves

during this initial shock phase is that

you end up doing the opposite whereas

one group tends to over catastrophize

and give ultimatums this group over here

that's more in denial what they tend to

do is they tend to now be overly

supportive um be overly

it's okay we'll figure this out i love

you

i'll support you

it's okay if you start expressing

yourself when you prefer gender let me

help you out

what do you need what can i get you

let's figure out how to come out to our

kids if the kids are involved so it's

it's a partner who is suddenly like

overly supportive and i see partners

especially in a long-term marriage that

are overly supportive for me personally

as a clinician it's a little bit of a

red flag because the reality is that

well this is something serious that just

shook up your relationship and like i

said so many times before i married for

16 years and if my husband came out and

told me that

he is questioning his gender

as much as i would want to be supportive

i probably will say something to the

extent of i'll support you but i'm

shaken up and i have no idea

what's going to happen and i have no

idea how it's going to evolve so that's

a different type of support versus being

suddenly so

polygonish if you will everything is

wonderful this is so great you identify

as transgender i will support you all

that's great let's go closing shopping

it's a little bit overly extreme there's

got to be a shaken up factor because

why shouldn't there be um

you're in relationship uh gender is a

big component of that relationship a

partner came out not saying that it has

to be to the extent for you giving out

ultimatums and you're catastrophizing

but there's got to be some base of

reality here so this is the individuals

in this group tend to be in denial and

that's another form of defense where's

for the groups that tends to get very

anxious in defense is to give out

ultimatums in order to

relinquish control this group over here

um

because they're in denial their defense

is to be overly accommodating to be

overly um

overly supportive also in in a way to

relinquish control of the situation but

over here you're trying to do you're

trying not to lose you both groups

notice fear losing the partner by the

way but this one the way they try to

control situation is by maintaining

sense of control by being overly

supportive so don't leave me i'll

support you this one over here says if

you do this i will leave you so it's a

different type of situation only one can

say this is also maybe overly supportive

ultimatum if you will so there's the two

most common categories that people tend

to fall into when they get into the

initial shock phase is that

ultimatums or being overly supportive

i totally understand why people fall

into those groups i think it's totally

normal to fall into those groups no

matter how on a surface that may look

like because initially people who are

over here in denial they wake up wake up

out of the denial i'll talk about it in

the next video so now it becomes reality

check and then they freak out and then

people over here sometimes adapt to the

situation that they didn't think they

would adopt um we're humans these

situations are complex they're difficult

the longer you've been in relationships

the more complex about nuance your

situation is going to be because you

have that much investment in your

relationship you have that much

investment in each other

so there's going to be all this little

interplays in the place it's not easy i

feel for both sides i feel tremendously

for the partners i feel tremendously for

the trans partners um it's nobody's

fault

um it's it's stuff that happens it's i

call it life happens um and it

sucks and it's not fair there's no fair

unfair why me why you um the more you're

gonna ask yourself those questions is

the more you're going to get stuck the

more resentful you're gonna get towards

leaving the best thing is just to

acknowledge all right let me deal with

what's in front of me

and how can i best adopt so these are

the most two common groups that in a

phase 2 initial shock tend to fall into

those categories comment below if you're

watching let me know um but

let me know what you think let me know

whether you fell as a partner into one

category or into another whether you

fall into the category of uh individuals

who were did you get astrophysics did

you give your partner ultimatum how did

that work out for you um

did you then realize that it's not gonna

work out what was the nature of your

ultimatum do you mind sharing that below

if you're over here and you felt a sense

of denial and you were over supportive

and then reality kicked in

what happened how did you feel about it

did that scare you like i said partners

feel all kinds of things and if you're

trans partner comment below and let me

know as a trans partner what group of

categories did you witness your partner

fall into what was it like for you what

was the most challenging thing for you

about seeing them in that category and

stay tuned for uh part

um part four of the series