How to communicate effectively with parents？ | TianHui ZHOU | TEDxTheBund

Summary

Helena discusses the challenges of communicating with parents, often resorting to conflict or avoidance. She introduces the concept of 'false denial' as a defense mechanism and suggests that cultural expectations might contribute to communication issues. Drawing from 'Social Psychology,' Helena outlines four steps to improve communication quality: self-awareness, understanding the other party, planning, and taking action. She emphasizes the importance of not using generation gaps as an excuse for poor communication and encourages proactive steps towards better family dialogue.

Takeaways

• 😔 Communication with parents can be challenging for many, often resulting in conflict or avoidance.
• 🤔 The idea of 'escaping may be shameful but useful' is a common self-consolation strategy when facing family issues.
• 👥 Both individuals and their parents may feel that generation gaps are insurmountable, leading to mutual avoidance of problems.
• 🗣️ A common complaint among youth is that parents are not open-minded or understanding enough, contributing to communication barriers.
• 🤷‍♀️ The tendency to blame others and downplay one's own responsibility is highlighted through the use of certain sentence structures.
• 🧠 'False denial' is a psychological defense mechanism that helps reduce emotional anxiety but can hinder self-awareness.
• 🏮 Cultural values, such as patience and obedience, influence Chinese communication styles, often prioritizing superficial harmony.
• 🤝 Helena suggests four steps to improve communication quality: knowing oneself, understanding the opposing side, planning, and taking action.
• 🎯 'Knowing oneself' involves clarity on personal goals, like choosing a school that aligns with one's aspirations rather than just parental expectations.
• 🤔 'Understanding the opposing side' means recognizing parents' values and experiences to bridge the communication gap.
• 🛠️ 'Planning' involves summarizing information and choosing effective communication strategies based on the other party's likely reactions.
• 🏋️‍♀️ 'Taking action' is crucial; it's about expressing thoughts clearly and directly, without resorting to avoidance or false denial.
• ⚠️ For situations involving violence, alcoholism, or drugs, seeking help from third-party organizations or trusted adults is advised.

Q & A

What is the main challenge discussed in the script regarding communication with parents?

The main challenge discussed in the script is the difficulty many people face in communicating with their parents, often resorting to conflict or avoidance as the only means to resolve issues.

Why do some individuals feel that escaping from communication with parents is useful despite being shameful?

Some individuals feel that escaping is useful because it temporarily alleviates the stress and discomfort of dealing with communication issues, even though it does not address the underlying problems.

What is the term used in psychology to describe the defense mechanism where individuals avoid acknowledging their own issues?

The term used in psychology is 'false denial,' which is a defense mechanism that reduces emotional anxiety and distress by avoiding one's own problems.

How does Chinese culture influence the way people approach communication within families?

Chinese culture emphasizes patience and obedience, which can lead to a preference for maintaining superficial harmony in relationships and sometimes supporting things they don't agree with to avoid conflict.

What are the four steps Helena suggests to improve the quality of communication with parents?

The four steps Helena suggests are: 1) Knowing oneself and being clear about one's goals, 2) Understanding the opposing side, 3) Planning and choosing a suitable method for communication, and 4) Taking action and expressing thoughts clearly.

Why is it important to understand the opposing side's perspective during communication?

Understanding the opposing side's perspective is important because it helps in empathizing with their values, views, and experiences, which can lead to more effective and respectful communication.

What role does cultural background play in the communication styles between children and parents?

Cultural background influences communication styles by shaping the values and expectations within a family, such as the emphasis on patience and obedience in Chinese culture, which can affect how openly individuals express their opinions.

How does Helena's approach to choosing a school differ from her parents', and why?

Helena prefers schools that offer more options and opportunities for meaningful experiences, while her parents value renowned universities with higher rankings, reflecting a generational difference in priorities and understanding of education.

What is the significance of planning in the communication process as described in the script?

Planning is significant in the communication process as it involves summarizing information from previous steps and choosing a feasible method to initiate effective communication, which can be tailored to the other party's likely perception and response.

Why is taking action the most important step in improving communication with parents according to the script?

Taking action is the most important step because it is the only way to translate planning and intentions into actual change in communication patterns; without action, the other steps are ineffective.

What advice does the script give for those who face extreme family situations such as violence, alcoholism, or drugs?

The script advises those facing extreme family situations to immediately contact a third-party organization for help or, if under 18, to reach out to trusted adults for assistance.

Outlines

00:00

🗣️ Communication Challenges with Parents

The speaker, Helena, begins by engaging the audience in a reflective exercise about their last conversation with their parents, highlighting the common difficulties in parent-child communication. She discusses how conflicts and avoidance are often seen as the only ways to deal with issues, and how the idea of generation gaps is used as an excuse for not addressing problems. Helena points out the tendency to blame others and avoid personal responsibility in communication, introducing the concept of 'false denial' as a psychological defense mechanism. She also touches on cultural aspects, such as the Chinese emphasis on patience and obedience, and how this can lead to superficial harmony at the expense of genuine agreement. Helena concludes the paragraph by suggesting that improving communication quality involves more than just blaming generation gaps or avoidance, and she introduces four steps to enhance communication.

05:02

🎓 Navigating School Choices with Parents

In the second paragraph, Helena focuses on the specific example of choosing a university, illustrating the generational differences in priorities between her and her parents. She emphasizes the importance of understanding each other's perspectives and the need for effective communication strategies. Helena outlines steps for successful communication: knowing oneself and one's goals, understanding the other party's values and experiences, planning the approach to communication, and finally, taking action by expressing one's thoughts clearly. She advises using rational arguments and choosing the right emotional tone and method of communication. Helena shares her personal experience of说服 her parents to let her make her own educational choices, stressing the importance of action over avoidance. She concludes by encouraging the audience to apply these communication strategies to their own lives, and to seek help if family situations involve serious issues like violence or substance abuse.

Keywords

💡Communication

Communication refers to the process of exchanging information, ideas, or feelings through speech, signals, writing, or behavior. In the video's context, it is a central theme as it explores the challenges and strategies for effective dialogue with parents. Helena discusses how to improve communication quality and avoid conflict, using her own experiences and knowledge from 'Social Psychology' as examples.

💡Generation Gap

The generation gap refers to the differences in values, attitudes, and behaviors between different age groups, often leading to misunderstandings or conflicts. In the script, Helena mentions the 'generation gaps' as an objective factor that people often use to explain communication difficulties with their parents, suggesting that it's not insurmountable and should not be used as an excuse for poor communication.

💡Conflict

Conflict is a situation involving open opposition, disagreement, or struggle between two or more parties. The video addresses conflict as a common outcome when communication with parents is not handled well, proposing that it's not the only option and that better communication strategies can prevent or resolve conflicts.

💡Avoidance

Avoidance is the act of keeping away from or not dealing with something. Helena points out that avoidance is often seen as a method to handle problems with parents, but it is not a solution. The video encourages facing communication challenges head-on rather than avoiding them.

💡False Denial

False denial is a psychological defense mechanism where an individual refuses to accept reality or their own responsibility, often to reduce emotional anxiety. Helena introduces this concept to explain how people might unconsciously avoid acknowledging their part in communication problems, which hinders effective communication.

💡Cultural Values

Cultural values are the principles and standards that guide behavior and are passed down through generations within a culture. The script mentions how Chinese culture emphasizes patience and obedience, which can influence communication styles and the tendency to maintain superficial harmony, even at the cost of genuine dialogue.

💡Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize one's own emotions, motivations, and desires. Helena suggests 'knowing oneself' as the first step in improving communication, emphasizing the importance of clarity about one's own goals and desires, which is crucial for effective dialogue with parents.

💡Understanding Opposing Side

Understanding the opposing side involves empathizing with and comprehending the perspective, values, and experiences of others. Helena outlines this as a key step in her communication strategy, arguing that understanding parents' viewpoints and experiences is essential for bridging the gap and finding common ground.

💡Planning

Planning in the context of communication refers to the strategic approach one takes to convey a message effectively. Helena discusses planning as a step where one summarizes information and chooses a method for effective communication, whether it's through rational arguments or emotional appeals, depending on the situation and the other party's receptiveness.

💡Action

Action in this context means taking concrete steps to implement a plan or resolve an issue. Helena emphasizes that without action, all planning and understanding are futile. She encourages taking the initiative to communicate and express oneself clearly, choosing an appropriate time and method to convey thoughts and feelings.

💡Moral Kidnapping

Moral kidnapping is a manipulative tactic where one party tries to force another into compliance by appealing to moral or ethical standards. Helena advises against using moral kidnapping or tantrums as means to get one's point across in communication, suggesting that these approaches are counterproductive and can harm relationships.

Highlights

Helena initiates a thought exercise asking the audience to recall their last conversation with their parents.

The challenge of communicating with parents is acknowledged, suggesting conflict and avoidance as common responses.

The concept of 'escaping may be shameful but useful' is introduced to describe the coping mechanism for generational gaps.

Helena points out the tendency to blame others and downplay personal responsibility in communication.

The psychological term 'false denial' is explained as a defense mechanism to reduce emotional distress.

Cultural influences on communication styles, particularly within Chinese culture, are discussed.

Helena shares her personal experience with choosing a college, highlighting generational differences in priorities.

The importance of understanding the opposing side's values and experiences is emphasized.

A four-step communication improvement plan is introduced: knowing oneself, understanding the opposing side, planning, and taking action.

The strategy of choosing the right communication method based on the other party's perception is discussed.

Helena advises on adjusting emotions to prevent escalating communication into conflict.

The significance of taking action and expressing one's thoughts clearly is stressed as the final step in communication improvement.

Helena provides a cautionary note on seeking help from third-party organizations for serious family issues.

A call to action for the audience to start improving communication with their families is made.

The potential global impact of improved family communication is envisioned.

The speech concludes with a thank you and an encouragement to start making changes in communication today.

Transcripts

Translator: Ruixuan Chen Reviewer: Yanyan Hong

Hello everyone, my name is Helena.

I’d like to start by asking everyone to close your eyes.

Now, could you recall the last time you talked to your parents?

What did you want to say? How was your parents’ attitude?

Did you successfully get your point across?

I think, for many people,

it can be quite challenging to communicate with your parents.

At times, conflict and avoidance may seem like

the only options to resolve problems.

We console ourselves with the idea that ‘escaping may be shameful but useful’

to be shameful, but we also recognize that,

and say that the objective factor of generation gaps cannot be overcome.

Not only do we feel this way, but our colleagues, classmates,

and even our parents seem to

share the same sentiment, as they also appear to be avoiding these problems.

We would also feel that if the other side could be a little more open-minded,

more understandable, and could speak more friendly,

then we wouldn’t be avoiding problems like this.

But is it really like this?

Let’s take a look at this next sentence:

“I just wanted to sleep a little longer, but they had to wake me up from bed.”

Sound familiar, right?

Doesn’t it sound like what we say when mocking with our friends?

Something like “I’m only... but they had to...”

Such sentence format highlights the other person’s fault,

and weakens one’s own responsibility.

Besides the actual words we use, we might want to work on toning down

the irritable and accusatory way we talk about things.

Of course, I’m not saying the other side doesn’t have any problems,

But, as human beings, we tend to avoid our own problems.

In psychology, there is a term called “false denial,”

I learned about it in psychology class. It’s actually a defense mechanism.

It was existed to reduce emotional anxiety and distress.

At the same time, from a cultural standpoint,

as Chinese people, our culture emphasizes things like patience and obedience.

We would also be more likely to maintain the harmony of a superficial relationship.

Sometimes, we find ourselves supporting things we don’t really agree with,

just because we don’t want to come across as superficial to the other person.

This normal behavior is not necessarily correct.

So I summarized four steps from my own experience and

learnings from the book “Social Psychology,”

hopefully allowing us to start improving the quality of our communication,

and no longer let fighting and avoidance become synonymous with our communication.

We shouldn’t resort to moral kidnapping or throwing tantrums

in order to get our point across in communication.

The first step is “knowing oneself,”

to be clear about one’s goals.

To take the matter of choosing dream schools as an example,

the ideas between our parents and us are often a generation apart.

College life, in my eyes, other than studying,

consists of doing meaningful things

with like-minded friends.

So, when choosing schools, I will tend to choose the ones

that can give me more options and opportunities,

but my parents don’t think the same way.

They like the renowned universities that have higher rankings.

For example, British universities’ admission

rate would be higher under the same ranking.

But you can only study one major in three years in these British universities,

so if I don’t continue in this major later on,

the knowledge earned from these three years seem to be wasted.

so my goal was to persuade my parents

to not let me spend too much time preparing something that did not suit me.

This covers the second step, which is to “understand the opposing side”

to understand your parents, family, and your communicator,

To understand what they value, their views on your goals,

and what they have experienced in the past.

My parents liked the renowned schools

because they graduated from schools like these.

They think the experience that helped them can help me in the same way.

And for me, as a high schooler who does not have much social experience yet,

I am not experienced enough to make such important choices for my future.

Of course, I know they are not trying to harm me,

But they also don’t know what I want.

This brings us to the third step, “planning,”

to build a bridge between yourself and the opposing communicator.

In this step, we can summarize the information

we received from the previous steps,

and choose a feasible method to start effective communication.

Whether it is euphemistic or direct,

it may depend on the other party’s possible perception of your purpose.

If you know they are likely to deny your intentions,

you may need to adopt a more euphemistic attitude.

Rather, it is rational or emotional, which may depends on

each other’s educational background and thinking habits.

Studies have shown that people who are educated

and thoughtful are more likely to

be persuaded by rational and logical arguments.

At the same time, methods and emotions when communicating

are also something we can choose from.

If you want to convey more professional information,

then you may need to utilise persuasive information,

and choose more professional sources of information to strengthen persuasion.

Simultaneously, adjusting you emotions in advance,

could avoid the habit of

suddenly increasing volume or speeding up,

leading to the other party’s resistance.

Coming back to the matter of choosing a school.

I know my parents want the best for me,

but I cannot take their decision and give up making choices for my own future.

At the same time, I am so sure about not wanting to study in the UK,

where has a large percentage of schoolwork, and a tendency to go bald.

So even as a child, as someone who does not have experience in choosing a school,

I don’t have to be afraid of communicating and expressing myself

because I know what I want.

According to the specific situation, I chose a tactful attitude,

rational arguments, and face-to-face communication methods.

When my parents brought up this topic again,

I clearly expressed my reasons and arguments.

Even though it took a long time, I ultimately achieved my goal.

After talking for so long, if there isn’t the fourth step,

everything would be wasted.

The fourth step, and the most important, is to take action.

There isn’t much to consider when taking action.

You can choose a suitable time,

wait until the other party is in a good mood,

or pick a date beforehand,

whenever you think is suitable, clearly express your thoughts.

The most important thing is to not continue avoiding it.

If you’re always

continuing to false denial, continuing to blame your problems on others,

then nothing will change.

I hope that from today, you can start to change yourself,

take the first step,

to “know oneself,”

then take the second step. “to understand the opposing side,”

then the third step, “planning,” to choose a suitable method.

The most important step, the fourth step, is to take action.

All the methods mentioned today are limited only to normal family relations,

And if your family or intimate relationships

involve things like violence, alcoholism, drugs, etc.,

Please contact a third-party organization for help immediately.

People under 18, please also contact your trusted adults for help.

No matter how much planning and methods are used,

only action can truly improve communication.

We should not continue to use the generation gap to explain the problem,

avoidance won’t solve the problem either,

we don’t have to be afraid of communicating

because we are young or inexperienced.

What we should do is start today Just use your own

efforts to improve communication with your family.

Then, imagine if people all around the world

were able to communicate with their families,

and communicate their views to family members.

Then how many more safe havens would there be in this world!

Thank you.