3 Tips For Communicating With An Avoidant Partner

Summary

In this video, licensed therapist Brianna McWilliam offers three essential tips for communicating with an avoidant partner. She guides viewers on how to take personal inventory, express oneself honestly without being defensive, and maintain boundaries. McWilliam also advises on when it might be time to end a relationship that isn't serving one's needs. She emphasizes the importance of deep structure communication, rephrasing language to be non-accusatory, and keeping dialogue empathetic and validating. The video is aimed at helping individuals with insecure attachment styles build deeper connections or decide to let go of unproductive relationships.

Takeaways

• 🧘‍♀️ **Personal Inventory**: Before communicating with an avoidant partner, it's crucial to do a personal inventory to understand your own emotional motivations and subconscious agendas.
• 🗣️ **Deep Structure Communication**: Aim for emotional contact rather than defensive verbal responses when communicating with an avoidant partner.
• 🔄 **Reframe Your Language**: Use 'I feel' statements to express your needs honestly without being accusatory or overly reliant on the partner's actions.
• 🤔 **Assume Partner's Perspective**: Consider how your partner might experience your statements and identify any subconscious agendas that might be driving your communication.
• 💬 **Honest Dialogue**: Keep the conversation going by expressing empathy, validation, and curiosity, while avoiding statements that may trigger an avoidant partner.
• 🚫 **Avoid Triggering Statements**: Certain phrases can be particularly triggering for avoidant individuals, such as 'I know what you're really feeling' or 'If you loved me, you would...'
• 🤝 **Co-creative Problem Solving**: Invite your partner to collaborate on finding solutions that satisfy both parties' needs.
• 🕒 **Respect Ambivalence**: Understand that your partner's ambivalence may be their truth, and it's essential to respect their emotional state.
• 💔 **Honoring Boundaries**: If your partner cannot respond honestly, it might be time to honor your boundaries and consider if the relationship is still serving you.
• 🌟 **Internal Work**: Recognize that both partners need to work on their internal emotional spaces and that it's not solely the responsibility of one person to change the dynamic.

Q & A

What is the main focus of the video script?

The main focus of the video script is to provide tips for communicating with an avoidant partner in a relationship, particularly for those who struggle with insecure attachment styles.

What is the first tip given for communicating with an avoidant partner?

The first tip is to do a personal inventory before communicating with an avoidant partner. This involves exploring a step-by-step process for deep structure communication to avoid miscommunications.

What is meant by 'deep structure communication'?

Deep structure communication refers to the emotional contact that one is looking for, as opposed to the defensive verbal responses that usually come out of our mouths during conversations.

How does one begin the process of deep structure communication?

One begins by writing out the specific statement they want to communicate, then considering what they hope to accomplish with that statement, their intentions behind it, and how they think their partner might experience it.

What is the second tip for communicating with an avoidant partner?

The second tip is to rephrase language in a way that is honest but not accusing or overly reliant. It involves expressing needs in a general way rather than focusing on specific lacks or deficiencies.

How can one express their feelings without sounding critical or needy?

One can express their feelings by using an 'I feel' statement that focuses on desires and appreciations, avoiding blame, and inviting a co-creative process for problem-solving.

What is the third tip for maintaining dialogue with an avoidant partner?

The third tip is to keep the dialogue going in an empathetic way, which includes mirroring validation, expressing empathy, and showing curiosity about the partner's feelings and needs.

Why is it important to avoid certain statements when communicating with an avoidant partner?

Certain statements can be particularly triggering for avoidant individuals, as they may feel like accusations or ultimatums, leading to defensiveness or withdrawal from the conversation.

What should one do if their avoidant partner is not responding honestly?

If an avoidant partner is not responding honestly, it's important to honor one's boundaries, possibly reduce contact, and do a personal inventory to decide if the relationship is still a good fit.

What is the role of personal boundaries in the context of this video script?

Personal boundaries are crucial in ensuring that one's emotional needs are respected and that they are not compromising their own well-being in an attempt to accommodate an avoidant partner.

How does the video script suggest handling the situation if the avoidant partner continues to maintain emotional distance?

The script suggests that if the avoidant partner continues to maintain emotional distance, one should address the conflict both internally and within the partnership, and consider if the relationship is serving their needs.

Outlines

00:00

🗣️ Communicating with an Avoidant Partner

The paragraph introduces the topic of communicating with an avoidant partner, emphasizing the importance of understanding one's own feelings and communication style. It outlines three tips for effective communication: taking personal inventory, expressing oneself honestly without being defensive, and knowing when to end a relationship. The speaker, Brianna McWilliam, a licensed therapist, provides a framework for 'deep structure communication' to minimize misunderstandings and suggests a step-by-step process for self-reflection before communicating with a partner. This includes identifying what one wants to say, the desired outcome, the underlying emotional motivation, and considering the partner's perspective.

05:02

🔄 Rethinking Communication and Letting Go of Outcomes

This segment delves deeper into the communication process, advising the audience to be less attached to the desired outcomes and more focused on the act of expressing oneself honestly. It discusses the importance of reframing language to be honest but not accusatory, shifting from a complaint to a desire for more of something positive. The paragraph provides a blueprint for constructing 'I feel' statements that are appreciative, expressive of feelings, thoughts, and the importance of the issue, while inviting a co-creative problem-solving process. It also cautions against making ultimatums and emphasizes the attractiveness of independence and self-possession in communication.

10:04

🚫 Setting Boundaries and Respecting Personal Freedom

The third paragraph addresses the importance of setting boundaries and respecting personal freedom in a relationship. It advises on how to handle situations where a partner may not respond honestly, suggesting that one should honor their boundaries and not revert to anxious behavior. The speaker recommends reducing contact if the partner's response is ambivalent and encourages self-reflection to determine if the relationship is worth continuing. The paragraph also highlights the importance of not over-explaining one's actions or absence to maintain a strong position and to communicate effectively without appearing needy or controlling.

15:05

🤝 Fostering Empathy and Curiosity in Dialogue

The final paragraph focuses on maintaining an empathetic dialogue, which includes mirroring, validating, expressing empathy, and showing curiosity. It explains each component as a way to keep communication open and honest. Mirroring involves reflecting the partner's message accurately, validation acknowledges the receipt of the message, and empathy recognizes and experiences the partner's emotions. Curiosity is about seeking to understand the partner's needs and offering support. The speaker also warns against certain statements that can be particularly triggering for avoidant individuals and emphasizes that emotional honesty does not always lead to agreement, suggesting that both partners need to work on their internal spaces independently and together.

Keywords

💡Anxious

Anxiety in the context of the video refers to the feeling of unease or worry that one might experience in a relationship, particularly when communicating with an avoidant partner. It is used to describe the emotional state of individuals who are not sure how to express their feelings without causing distress or pushing their partner away. In the script, the term is used to highlight the challenges faced by those who feel 'a needy mess inside' and are seeking ways to communicate effectively.

💡Avoidant Partner

An avoidant partner is someone with an attachment style characterized by a tendency to avoid emotional intimacy and closeness. In the video, this term is central to the discussion on how to communicate effectively with a partner who might be uncomfortable with vulnerability or close emotional connections. The script offers strategies for engaging in dialogue with such a partner without causing them to retreat further.

💡Communication

Communication in the video is the act of expressing or exchanging information, ideas, or feelings. It is a key theme as the video provides tips on how to communicate with an avoidant partner in a way that is honest and non-threatening. The script emphasizes the importance of deep structure communication, which focuses on emotional contact rather than defensive verbal responses.

💡Personal Inventory

A personal inventory in the context of the video refers to a self-reflective process where individuals examine their own emotions, motivations, and intentions before communicating with their partner. The script suggests that before engaging in a conversation with an avoidant partner, one should take a step back to understand their own subconscious motivations and how they might influence the communication.

💡Deep Structure Communication

Deep structure communication is a term used in the video to describe the underlying emotional intent and contact sought in a conversation, as opposed to surface-level or defensive verbal exchanges. The script outlines a step-by-step process to achieve deep structure communication, which includes understanding one's own emotional needs and how they might be fulfilled through communication.

💡Emotional Honesty

Emotional honesty refers to the practice of expressing one's feelings and emotions openly and genuinely. In the video, it is presented as a crucial aspect of effective communication with an avoidant partner. The script provides guidance on how to rephrase statements to convey emotional honesty without coming across as accusatory or overly reliant.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries in the video refer to the limits or extents to which an individual is willing to allow others to impact their lives. The script discusses the importance of holding one's boundaries when communicating with an avoidant partner and determining when it might be necessary to 'call it quits' if the relationship is no longer serving one's emotional needs.

💡Empathy

Empathy in the video is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It is highlighted as a key component in maintaining a healthy dialogue with an avoidant partner. The script suggests using empathy to validate the partner's feelings and experiences, which can help in fostering a deeper connection.

💡Validation

Validation in the context of the video is the act of acknowledging and confirming the feelings and experiences of another person. It is discussed as a part of the empathetic communication process, where one mirrors back the content of the message from the partner and communicates that their feelings are understood and accepted.

💡Curiosity

Curiosity in the video is the desire to learn or know more about something or someone. It is presented as a part of the communication strategy when engaging with an avoidant partner. The script encourages expressing curiosity about the partner's feelings and input, which can open up a co-creative process for problem-solving and understanding.

Highlights

Three tips for communicating with an avoidant partner are discussed to help build a deeper connection or decide to end a relationship.

The importance of taking a personal inventory before communicating with a partner is emphasized to avoid miscommunication.

Deep structure communication is introduced as a method to achieve emotional contact without defensive verbal spew.

A step-by-step process is suggested for getting at the deep structure communication to understand one's subconscious motivations.

The need to assume your partner's perspective and consider their potential reactions to your statements is highlighted.

Rephrasing initial statements to be more emotionally honest is recommended after going through a self-awareness process.

The concept of detaching from the outcome of communication and focusing on the process is explained.

A blueprint for expressing oneself honestly and non-defensively is provided, focusing on 'I feel' statements.

The difference between expressing a need and making an accusation in communication is discussed.

The importance of being silent after expressing oneself to allow the partner to respond without pressure is mentioned.

Holding boundaries and knowing when to call it quits in a relationship is explored.

The significance of not reverting to old patterns after setting boundaries is explained.

The strategy of reducing contact to evaluate the relationship and one's own needs is suggested.

Four steps to keep the dialogue going in an empathetic way are introduced: mirroring, validation, empathy, and curiosity.

Triggering statements to avoid when communicating with an avoidant partner are listed to prevent negative reactions.

The myth that emotional honesty always leads to understanding and agreement is debunked, emphasizing the need for independent work on internal space.

The video concludes with an invitation for viewers to share their thoughts and explore further content on the topic.

Transcripts

if you tend to feel that you are anxious

or it's like there's a needy mess inside

and

no one ever taught you how to

communicate your feelings without

overwhelming or scaring a partner off

especially avoidant one an avoidant one

then you're going to want to stick

around for this segment

because today we're going to talk about

three tips for communicating with an

avoidant partner

and how to know when it is time to

really call it quits

so through these three tips we're going

to talk about how to take a personal

inventory

before you go in guns blazing we're

going to explore a blueprint for

expressing yourself

honestly and non-defensively we're going

to talk about how to hold your

boundaries and determine if it's time to

call it quits

and i'm also going to give you four

steps to keep the dialogue going in an

empathic

and equally validating way now if you've

been feeling kind of twisted

or muzzled in your relationship because

of a debilitating fear of scaring your

partner off

then the goal of this video is to give

you a road map to help you build a

deeper connection to your partner

or to finally let go of a relationship

that is no longer serving you

so definitely you want to stick with me

until the end welcome to my youtube

channel

my name is brianna mcwilliam and i am a

licensed and board certified creative

arts therapist

author and educator with more than 15

years in the field

helping adults struggling with insecure

attachment go

from self-doubting to self-sovereign so

they can attract those soul-shaking

passionate partnerships

that they want without having to talk in

circles around their feelings

for hours or even years on end with no

tangible result

today i'm going to be sharing a clip of

a live stream event that took place

inside my

private facebook groups which people can

access once they've purchased one of my

online courses

if you're interested in finding out if

you might have insecure attachment

check out the link in the caption of

this video you'll be able to take an

easy

four question quiz and find out your

attachment style

plus a detailed explanation now if you

like what you see in here

and you haven't yet make sure that you

like subscribe and ring the bell for

notifications

i put up videos once or twice a week and

sometimes i will do occasional live

streams

through my youtube channel and i

wouldn't want you to miss out

so this one i'm going to call three tips

for communicating

with an avoidant partner how can i

communicate with my avoidant partner

without coming across as critical or too

needy

and scaring them off now my first tip is

that

before you go in gun guns blazing you

need to do your own personal inventory

first so before communicating with a

partner

that especially has an opposing

attachment style than you

i recommend exploring a step-by-step

process for getting at what i'm going to

call the deep structure communication

so as to avoid as many miscommunications

as possible

so deep structure communication is the

emotional

the emotional contact that you're

looking for not the defensive

verbal spew that usually comes out of

our mouths

so first you want to ask yourself what

are you imagining that you are going

to say to them so i would have you write

out the specific

statement fantasy in your mind right

what's the first thing that comes to

mind

then you want to think about what do you

hope that that statement is going to

accomplish

so this is the action or behavior that

you hope your communication is going to

inspire in a partner you really have to

ask yourself

are you trying to maneuver them in some

way

and then you want to ask yourself this

is number three

what do you intend now this is more the

emotional motivation behind your

communication

this is where we start getting closer to

the deep structure communication

so what emotional need do you think

that that desired action you're trying

to get them to take

will fulfill what would that gratify for

you

does that gratification stem from some

place deeper within you that

you might benefit from looking at first

okay

then assume your partner's perspective

and take a guess at how they might

experience the statement you're planning

to make

and i would have you write down all of

the possibilities

then go through each one and notice your

emotional investment

in each possibility because that's going

to inform you of any subconscious agenda

that you may have

which your partner will pick up on

okay and you're gonna write down all the

emotions that are coming up for you

each and every one in detail

lastly i would have you consider now

having gone through this process

how might you rephrase that initial

statement to be more emotionally

honest and i would have you write down

those new possibilities

and i would have you repeat steps one

through five

until you feel like you have become

totally aware of your subconscious

motivations and agendas

and then proceed with what feels like

the most authentic action to take and or

statement to make

and realizing that you may not get the

outcome you want

the outcome that you might still be

hoping for and you're still allowed to

hope for it

but you might realize that maybe you

won't get that response

but also understand that that is not

nearly as important as the process that

you just went through

okay because now you are less attached

to the outcome

now that communication in and of itself

may be what you need

right being able to say what it is that

you really want and need

and how they respond may become

irrelevant in

comparison to the importance of the

process now the second tip

is to rephrase your language in a way

that is honest

but not accusing or overly reliant

now it's more about what you are wanting

in general

than about how you are getting or not

getting something from that person

specifically

so a lot of partners communicate their

needs from a defensive position and they

do not

realize it so then when they try to

offer an emotionally honest

i feel statement for example it comes

across as

critical so for example you're a rotten

jerk

now someone says well you need to

express that as an i feel statement

okay i feel mad that you're a rotten

jerk

okay that's not a proper i feel

statement

a proper i feel statement follows a

particular blueprint

the first thing i would have you do is

notice your complaint and usually you're

noticing a lack of something

when you notice a lack of something

shift the focus to realize that when you

notice a lack of something what you're

actually experiencing

is a desire for more okay so

instead of i don't have enough of you

say oh

i love this and i would like more of

very different vibrational signature

okay

then you express appreciation so this is

how it might sound

in your mind you think i'm not getting

enough of and so then you utter hey you

know what i would like more of

something you express appreciation

because you do it so well you express

how you feel

i feel so great you know wonderful

xyz whenever that happens then you

express what you think about that

feeling

and you know what i really enjoyed that

feeling i think it's great

then you emphasize how important that is

to you

and it's important to me that i feel

that more often in this relationship

you might also express curiosity how do

you feel about it

and then invite a co-creative process

for problem solving

because you know i'd love your input

maybe together we can come up with some

solutions that would satisfy both of us

okay so i'll give you another example

let's say this is a more contentious

situation

i feel disrespected and i don't like

feeling that way

then i feel angry because i worry that

i'm losing my connection with you and

that feels

unsafe in relationships i love feeling

reassured and close to a partner and i

like

knowing and feeling that my partner

wants to spend time with me

it's important for me to experience more

of that in this relationship

because i really like what we have when

it's good it's great

and i'd love to explore the

possibilities with you and want to know

more about your feelings and input about

it

and then be silent be

silent don't guide them on how to answer

you

beyond that don't try to fill up the

space with anxious chatter

or try to anticipate their answers the

less you say

the more impact you will have and your

job

is just to keep a poker face and show no

emotion at this point

and why is that because here you're

letting them know

that you are opting into this

relationship

it is your choice to stay in it or to

leave and you are making that choice

based on a knowledge of who you are

and what you want and they can either

join the party or not

now this allows you to appear

independent and self-possessed which is

actually really attractive

but if you push it too far and you say

something like

if you don't do this then i'm gonna

leave you

now that sounds like a tantrum it sounds

like an ultimatum

it comes across as controlling or

petulant and it's going to have the

opposite effect

now it might sound like i'm splitting

hairs here because it seems like the

same sentiment

is being implied but i

assure you how you deliver this makes a

world of difference in communication

because implying that you can leave

anytime you want is very different

than making a show of threatening to

leave in order to get a reaction

okay now in this case you are respecting

their separateness

and an ability to decide for themselves

if closeness if the closeness that you

want is the closeness that they choose

for themselves

as well which means that they won't feel

like their personal freedom is being

encroached upon

now in essence you just created an

opening for them to provide an honest

answer

and if they can't respond to you

honestly then that's really important

information for you

and you'll be able to tell that they're

not able to respond honestly because

they will deflect

get mad try to say that you're making

everything about you

they might get passive aggressive or

find a way to leave the situation

without acknowledging what you said at

all

or sharing anything about their feelings

and if that's the case

then it is time for you to honor your

boundaries and stick to your guns

so if instead however you slump into an

anxious mess

and you start beating yourself up for

thinking that you somehow could have

controlled the situation better if you

had only done or said something

differently

realize that you are now in survival

mode

okay you are in a survival mode response

and then what happens is you wind up

texting them 24 to 48 hours later saying

sorry

i guess i got a little intense there huh

probably too much too soon

no worries i get it and then

you go back on everything you just said

now if you do that i love you so much

if you do that you will have violated

your own boundaries

you will have destroyed their respect

for you and you will let them know that

you are a pushover

which means that they are driving the

boat and if they like that

you will forever be at their beck and

call and more boundary violations are

sure to follow

if they don't like that then they'll

probably ghost you or they'll find a way

to sabotage or peace out of the

relationship

as soon as possible now if they respond

in a way that falls into an ambivalent

gray space

they're either testing your resolve or

they just genuinely don't know yet

if you are certain yourself then it is

time to make yourself scarce

and this is not because you're trying to

punish them or force an answer

but because you need to do a personal

inventory

and decide if you have reached a

threshold where ambivalence just doesn't

cut it anymore

and they may genuinely not be the right

fit for you

and so what does that look like well i

recommend cutting back your contact with

them by

50 and to see them maybe once or twice

in a two-week period

go on a vacation with your friends

meditate make art

go on a hike sequester yourself in

nature go smash dishes or throw axes at

your local wrecking club

ask yourself how long you are willing to

wait

for clarity or certainty and put a

number on it

and know what you want before they say

anything

do not volunteer information about your

life or your plans

do not over explain your absence you do

not owe them

explanations the more you explain

yourself

the more you weaken your position and it

appears as though you are putting on a

show

to get their attention so in this case

less

is a thousand times more and they will

get the message

and you will finally get the truth

now the real question is can you handle

the truth

can you handle the truth what if

ambivalence is the truth

now my third tip is to be sure that you

keep the dialogue going in an

empathetic way and that includes four

steps

now if they decide that they are going

to engage you with an honest dialogue

i invite you to try to keep it alive by

expressing

mirroring validation empathy

and curiosity so mirroring is a process

of

accurately reflecting back the content

of the message that is sent

by your partner and so this is in

essence paraphrasing

so this is what i hear you saying let me

know if i'm way off base here

validation so validation is

communicating to

the sending partner that the information

has been received

right and you mirror it back in a way

that makes sense to you

so that means that you're able to see

this information from your partner's

perspective

okay and letting them know that it you

accept it and that it is valid

so you might say something like well it

makes sense that you would feel that way

and i can see why you're struggling with

this

okay now if we are to express empathy

this takes it to a deeper level of

communication that attempts to

recognize reach into and experience the

emotions

your partner's emotions as opposed to

just

reflecting on it as a cognitive exercise

okay so

um well you know while i don't

necessarily feel the same way about that

specific thing

i really know what it's like to struggle

with feelings

when around something that's important

to me

and i can empathize with you on that

level and then express a curiosity you

know i would like to know

what support that you need from me um

and i'll do my best because i care about

how you're feeling

and you know please let me know how i

can help you

now i would add since we're framing this

in terms of approaching an avoidant

partner under no circumstances

should you respond with any of the

following statements and these were

identified as particularly triggering

for avoidant individuals on a survey

that i conducted with over 200

respondents

there are five of them the first one is

i know what you're really feeling why

won't you acknowledge the truth of what

we really are

why oh number two you wouldn't say need

or do that if you really loved me

number three nothing is wrong i'm fine

number four

if i have to ask it doesn't count number

five

needing privacy means that you are lying

or cheating on me

now before i wrap up this question i

just want to emphasize one

important myth that a lot of individuals

fall prey to

and that is that people tend to believe

that emotional honesty is going to lead

to understanding

and that understanding leads to

agreement but the truth is

that is not always the case okay you can

understand someone and completely

disagree with them

and if your partner has an attachment

style that is in conflict with yours

particularly an avoidant partner what i

like to call a rolling stone

then it's likely that they will find new

ways to create and maintain

the same amount of emotional distance

and proximity between you

okay now if that is the case

then it requires addressing the conflict

between you

not just on the level of communication

but also independently

you both need to be working on the

internal space

it is possible that as you are working

on your own internal space you can raise

your vibration high

enough that they feel inspired to join

you there but it's not your

responsibility

okay it's something that they have to

assume for themselves

and you have to honor your boundaries

around that

okay this is a deep emotional wound that

both partners need to be in dialogue

with

on their own as well as in the

partnership

okay so i hope that those help

and again if any of this resonates with

you i would love to see a comment there

um even if it's on the replay you can

type hashtag replay

and um you know if there's more content

to be explored around this we can

explore that

you