Feel Them Pulling Away? AVOID THIS MISTAKE
Summary
TLDRThe video script discusses the common experience of feeling a connection with someone, only for them to suddenly pull away. It identifies the mistake of overvaluing the other person too quickly, leading to a decrease in our perceived value. The speaker advises viewers to reevaluate their interest when someone pulls away, emphasizing the importance of self-worth and focusing on qualities that make for a strong, lasting relationship. The script concludes with an invitation to a free video training for building confidence after such experiences.
Takeaways
- 💔 People often pull away when they sense someone is trying too hard or making them too important too quickly.
- 🤔 The person pulling away might feel they haven't earned the level of importance or value you've assigned to them.
- 🥊 When someone pulls away, a common mistake is to trigger a fight instinct to try to win them back.
- 🌌 Scarcity mindset, impatience, and low self-esteem can contribute to overvaluing someone who is pulling away.
- 🔍 Reflect on what you're attracted to in the person; it might reveal qualities you're overvaluing.
- 🚫 Qualities like attractiveness, confidence, and connection are not what make a great partner.
- 💖 The truly valuable qualities in a partner are kindness, empathy, compassion, reliability, and good communication.
- 🔄 When someone pulls away, it's an opportunity to re-evaluate their suitability for you, not a signal to fight harder.
- 💰 Recognize your own worth and don't devalue yourself in the face of someone else's uncertainty.
- 🛑 Instead of intensifying your efforts, show the consequences of their uncertainty and let them see your value.
Q & A
What is the common scenario described at the beginning of the transcript?
-The transcript describes a scenario where someone meets a person, feels attracted and connected, and initially, the feelings are mutual. However, as hopes build, the other person starts to pull away, changing their behavior and communication, leading to confusion and a sense of loss.
Why do people often pull away according to the transcript?
-People may pull away because they sense that the other person is trying too hard or has made them too important too quickly. This can lead to the person feeling that their value in the other's life has been prematurely determined without having earned it.
What are the three main reasons behind the fight instinct when someone pulls away?
-The three main reasons are a scarcity mindset, impatience, and low self-esteem. These factors contribute to an individual's perception of the relationship as more valuable than it may objectively be, leading to a stronger desire to fight for it.
How does the transcript suggest we evaluate our attraction to someone?
-The transcript suggests that we should evaluate our attraction by writing down what we are attracted to in the person. It emphasizes the importance of being honest and recognizing if we are overvaluing certain traits that do not necessarily indicate a good partner.
What are the qualities that make someone a great partner according to the transcript?
-The qualities that make someone a great partner include kindness, empathy, compassion, reliability, consistency, good communication, honesty, trustworthiness, and being a great teammate. These traits contribute to building a strong and supportive relationship.
How should one respond when they feel someone pulling away?
-The transcript suggests that instead of intensifying efforts to win them over, one should become less certain of them and re-evaluate their suitability. It's important to allocate more time and energy to other aspects of life and consider dating other people.
What is the significance of self-valuation in the context of relationships?
-Self-valuation is crucial because it prevents one from devaluing themselves in the eyes of the other person. By recognizing one's own worth and not being too eager or intense, they maintain their value and attractiveness in the relationship.
What is the 'right context' for fighting for someone in a relationship?
-The right context for fighting for someone is when there is a mutual desire to overcome a hurdle that prevents the relationship from progressing, rather than fighting for someone who is uncertain about the relationship.
How can one build back confidence after a difficult relationship experience?
-The transcript suggests taking big, bold moves in one's life to become strong and confident. This can involve focusing on personal growth and self-improvement, which may either attract the person who pulled away or help one move on to find a more suitable partner.
What is the main message of the transcript regarding relationships and self-worth?
-The main message is that it's important to maintain a balance between valuing a potential partner and valuing oneself. Overvaluing someone else can lead to devaluing oneself, and the key is to ensure that both parties see and appreciate each other's worth in a relationship.
What is the role of self-esteem in attracting and maintaining relationships?
-Self-esteem plays a significant role as it affects how we perceive our own value and how we are perceived by others. Low self-esteem can lead to overvaluing others and undervaluing oneself, which can be detrimental to forming healthy and balanced relationships.
Outlines
💔 The Familiar Story of Attraction and Pullback
This paragraph discusses the common experience of meeting someone and feeling a strong connection, only for the other person to suddenly pull away. It highlights the initial excitement and attraction, followed by the confusion and hurt when the person becomes distant, with changes in communication and less frequent engagement. The speaker aims to explore why this happens and the mistakes people often make in response to such situations.
🚫 The Mistake of Overvaluing and the Fight Instinct
The speaker identifies the common mistake of overvaluing someone who starts to pull away and the instinctive reaction to fight for the relationship. Three main reasons are discussed: scarcity mindset, impatience, and low self-esteem. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of recognizing one's own value and not devaluing oneself in the face of another's uncertainty or withdrawal.
🤔 Reflecting on Attraction and True Qualities
This paragraph encourages self-reflection on what qualities in a person cause one to feel attracted. It contrasts the common attractions of physical appearance or intangible feelings with the truly valuable qualities of a partner, such as kindness, empathy, and reliability. The speaker warns against mistaking superficial traits for deep character values and suggests that true partnership is built on a foundation of mutual respect and support.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Attraction
💡Connection
💡Pull Away
💡Fight Instinct
💡Scarcity Mindset
💡Impatience
💡Low Self-Esteem
💡Qualities of a Great Partner
💡Overvaluing
💡Re-evaluation
💡Self-Worth
Highlights
The phenomenon of feeling a strong connection with someone new, only for them to suddenly pull away and change their behavior.
The person pulling away may sense that the other person is trying too hard or has made them too important too quickly.
When someone pulls away, it can trigger a fight instinct in the other person, leading to an increased desire to keep the relationship.
A scarcity mindset, impatience, and low self-esteem are common reasons why people overvalue a new relationship and fight to keep it.
It's important to evaluate what you're truly attracted to in a person, and whether those qualities make for a great partner.
Qualities like kindness, empathy, compassion, reliability, and consistency are what make for a great relationship, yet are often overlooked.
Charisma, confidence, and physical attraction are common reasons people can't get someone off their mind, but these aren't the foundations of a strong relationship.
The appropriate response when someone pulls away is to re-evaluate their worthiness and consider allocating time and energy elsewhere.
Uncertainty from the other person should lead you to question their value to you, not your own value.
The best partners are those who are certain about you and value what you have to offer, and you should only fight for someone if there's a mutual desire to overcome hurdles together.
It's crucial to show that there are consequences to uncertainty and taking your efforts for granted.
Being less intense and overvaluing the other person is often a symptom of deeper issues, such as undervaluing oneself.
To regain strength and confidence after a relationship setback, one should focus on making bold moves and becoming strong and confident in oneself.
The key to moving on or having the other person see your value is through personal growth and self-confidence.
The speaker offers a free video training on how to build back strength and confidence after a difficult relationship experience.
The website moveonstrong.com is mentioned as a resource for learning how to rebuild confidence after a setback.
Transcripts
does this sound like a familiar story to
you
you meet someone and you feel something
that maybe you haven't felt in a while
you feel attracted
you feel connected and
the best part is
they feel the same way
and then
just as you're allowing your hopes to
run away with themselves you're
beginning to think about what this could
mean you start to feel that person pull
away their energy changes maybe their
communication becomes less consistent
maybe their responses to you get shorter
maybe they stop saying some of the
intense things that they were saying in
the beginning those things that stoked
your hope in the first place the things
that got you all excited
they stopped saying
it leaves us wondering what on earth
went wrong when everything seemed to be
going so right now
i want to talk about one of the
potential reasons that it happened that
they went cold
and i also want to talk about
the biggest mistake that we tend to make
when this happens people pull away
oftentimes
because
they have sensed something in us
that is trying too hard that has made
them too important
too quickly and one of the negative
effects of this is that someone begins
to feel that
we've made up our minds about them and
who they are and how valuable they
should be in our lives
before they've really earned it and when
we do that and when they sense that our
value goes down because they ask
themselves the question why am i so
important to this person so quickly
what's going on with them that i have
suddenly become so valuable in their
life even though a they don't know me
that well
and b i haven't actually done that much
for them it's not like i've invested a
ton into their life so why am i suddenly
so important
and when someone feels that
and your value goes down there's that
combination of your value has gone down
to that person
but you also now feel very intense to
that person and so they start
to pull back
now on to the mistake that we often make
when we feel someone pull away because
we've made this person so important
what kicks in when they pull away
is a fight instinct i am going to fight
for this i'm going to go out my way to
try to keep
this because it's really valuable and
it's really important now why have we
made it so valuable and so important
number one a scarcity mindset if we
don't meet anyone we like very often if
we feel like love is really elusive
then if we even get a taste
of being with somebody we'll do anything
to keep it number two impatience
we want the result today we don't want
to wait another year or five years or
more we want it today so if it feels
like it's right in front of us
i'll do anything i have to to keep it
and number three low self-esteem
we don't believe in our own value this
is a really interesting one
because
what happens when we find ourselves
fighting for someone who is pulling away
from us
is by definition we have devalued
ourselves
and overvalued them and what they bring
to the table let's try and experiment
for a moment pause this video for a
moment when i say this and just write
down
what it is
you are attracted to in this person and
be really honest about this don't write
answers that sound good write the truth
what is it about this person that you're
drawn to
now pay attention to your answer because
often the answers are very revealing
about something that we are overvaluing
if you wrote down
they're really attractive
if you wrote down their confidence the
connection you feel with them or if you
had trouble writing something down
because you're like
i i guess it's it's hard to explain i i
just
i don't know there's just something
about them pay very close attention to
these things
because none of them are qualities
that make someone an amazing partner i
shared the stage not too long ago with
my dear friend dr rahmani and she said
anytime someone says to her there's just
something about him
she starts to see alarm bells because as
she describes it that is the definition
of a trauma bond you're not actually
attracted to them because they have
wonderful relationship traits that would
make them a great partner or do make
them a great partner you're attracted to
them because of some ethereal hard to
put your finger on feeling
that compels you
to keep trying what are the qualities
that make someone a great partner
kindness empathy compassion they show up
for me they're reliable they're
consistent they're a great communicator
they're honest trustworthy they're a
great teammate they care about my day
and the challenges in my life and want
to support me in those those are the
kinds of qualities that make for a great
relationship but those are rarely the
things people describe when they say why
they can't get someone off their mind
why they're so attracted to that person
why they decided they were the right
person remember none of the things
like charisma confidence boldness sex
appeal
connection even the the fact that we can
talk about all sorts of different
subjects the fact that i just feel so
good around them
none of those things
are
things that on their own could make a
great relationship
they're great wonderful things to have
but
none of them are the really really
valuable things
that someone shows us when we realize
oh this person will be an incredible
teammate and if you're willing to be all
of those traits that do make you an
incredible teammate you are trustworthy
you are committed you are loyal you are
communicative
you are consistent you are generous you
are a great teammate
then
what you have is worth its weight in
gold
that's the really rare stuff
that's the stuff of true character that
is so valuable so why are you cheapening
that
and making so important these things
that you think they have one of the
things i've come across more than
anything in my career is people who
overvalue someone that they have a great
time with i want you to think about it
in a business context for a moment
i may really enjoy
being around somebody spending time with
them chatting with them having a night
out with them
but none of those things mean that that
person would be a great partner in
business if i wanted to build a business
with someone or a relationship a
romantic relationship is like a company
it's a company of two and just because
someone
is great company
it doesn't mean they can make a great
company just because someone is great
company it doesn't mean they can make a
great company someone can be
wonderful to hang out with
but can they build an amazing
relationship with you
if they're pulling away
we already know
that's not a good sign of someone who
can actually build something with you so
the appropriate response by the way when
we feel someone pulling away is to
become less certain of them the
appropriate response is to say oh you're
backing off i feel you getting colder i
feel you pulling away that's making me
re-evaluate how right you are for me
that's making me start to allocate more
time and energy to other things in my
life that's making me think well maybe
it is time to start dating other people
if you're in that place someone else's
uncertainty about you is not an
indication of your lack of value
someone's uncertainty should be an
indication of their lack of value to you
because one of the greatest things you
can have in a partner is someone who is
certain about you look should you be
willing to fight for someone yes but
here's the right context for fighting
for someone when there is a hurdle that
the two of you need to get over to be
together despite wanting to be together
romeo and juliet wanted to be together
but they were from different houses and
there was a
politics around them being together that
was a hurdle that they both mutually
wanted to get over it wasn't romeo
saying i'll fight for julia even though
she's not sure about me ask yourself if
you're playing romeo and juliet with
someone and the hurdle is their
uncertainty
because if it is
why are you fighting for this person the
only person
worth having in life
is a person who values what we have to
give and the great irony is that they
won't value what we have to give if we
don't put a high price on it ourselves
if we
feel someone pulling away
and instead of going oh you seem to
not see my value that makes you less
valuable to me if instead of doing that
we feel someone pulling away and go no
i'll fight for you then what they start
to feel is oh this person's willing to
fight for me even when i'm not trying
even when i'm pulling away
firstly that feels very intense now and
secondly what does that say about their
value
what does that say about who they are
and their confidence what we need to do
is show someone that there are real
stakes there are real consequences to
you not being sure about me i may have
been trying before i may have been
showing you my best and showing you what
i was capable of but the moment you
start taking that for granted the moment
you start showing me that you're not
sure about me you become less worthy of
all of this effort i'm giving you right
now
you become less worthy of all of these
wonderful things that i have to offer
someone which by the way are an
incredible gift you start making me
question if you're the person that i
want to give that to and if you really
can see oh there's consequences to me
not trying there's consequences to me
not being sure about you
then my value to you starts going up
what someone needs to realize from us is
yes i find you sexy
yes i love being around you you turn me
on i find you fun i find you exciting
i enjoy your company but none of that is
more important than what's right for me
i may be attracted to you but i am far
more attracted to the life i want for
myself when i'm coaching people it's not
just about telling them you need to be
less intense it's about solving the
deeper issue of why
we are being intense being in too
intense is often a byproduct
of overvaluing somebody else
and what they bring to the table and
undervaluing ourselves and what we bring
to the table now look i'm not saying
that this person is a terrible person
it may just be someone who
hasn't had a fair shot at seeing your
value yet partly because in the process
you didn't value yourself but whether
your goal is to move on from this person
or to finally have them see your value
the answer is the same
it's taking big bold moves in your life
to become strong and confident in a way
that either allows them to see it
and become newly attracted to it or
allows you to move on and find the love
you actually deserve with someone who's
right for you and i have a way that you
can do this it's a free video training
at moveonstrong.com
that shows you exactly how to build back
that strength to be the most confident
you
after a difficult time like this where
someone has either rejected you or gone
cold or started to pull away go to
moveonstrong.com
[Music]
and i'll show you how to build that
confidence again
i'll see you over there
[Music]
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