Why You Fall In Love So Easily

Summary

The video script delves into limerence, a psychological state of deep obsession with a fantasy version of a person. It contrasts limerence with genuine love, highlighting the importance of distinguishing between idealized fantasies and real connections. The narrator shares personal experiences and offers advice on breaking the cycle of infatuation by building self-worth and embracing real, imperfect relationships.

Takeaways

• 😎 The script discusses limerence, a psychological state of deep obsession with a fantasy about another person.
• 🔎 Limerence is distinguished from love by the lack of a solid reason for the infatuation and the creation of an idealized image of the person.
• 👤 The script suggests that limerence can stem from emotional neglect or past trauma, leading to a desire for a fantasy love that feels safe.
• 💺 A sponsored segment promotes a chair that supports good posture and comfort,寓意着 physical well-being is essential for emotional health.
• 🌟 The narrator shares personal experiences with limerence, highlighting the impact of childhood experiences and self-worth on romantic fantasies.
• 📝 The importance of introspection and journaling is emphasized to understand the root causes of limerence and to challenge inaccurate beliefs about potential partners.
• 💪 Building self-worth and self-love is presented as a way to break the cycle of limerence by fulfilling the needs one seeks in others.
• 🔄 The script encourages transforming learned behaviors by acknowledging and changing one's approach to relationships and self-perception.
• 🤝 True love and intimacy are presented as difficult but rewarding, requiring vulnerability, communication, and acceptance of another's flaws.
• 🔄 The process of overcoming limerence involves self-reflection, self-improvement, and a shift towards building real connections based on mutual understanding and respect.

Q & A

What is the main topic discussed in the script?

The main topic discussed in the script is limerence, which is a state of profound deep obsession with a fantasy one has about another person.

How does the speaker describe the girl who noticed his tattoo?

The speaker describes the girl as someone who might be 'the one' because she noticed his tattoo and showed interest in the character it represents without dismissing the manga aspect.

What is the psychological term for the phenomenon where someone obsesses over a fantasy of another person?

The psychological term for this phenomenon is 'limerence'.

Why does the speaker believe limerence can be harmful?

The speaker believes limerence can be harmful because it leads to an inaccurate depiction of another person and can significantly impact one's life negatively if it continues.

What is the difference between limerence and love according to the script?

Limerence is an obsession with a fantasy of a person, while love involves seeing and accepting the person for who they truly are with all their insecurities, flaws, and differences.

How does the speaker suggest one can tell if they are in a state of limerence?

The speaker suggests that one can tell if they are in a state of limerence by paying attention to their emotional and physical state when they are fantasizing about the person and whether the idea of that person elevates them above humanity.

What role does self-worth play in the development of limerence according to the script?

In the script, self-worth plays a significant role in the development of limerence, as people with low self-esteem may be more likely to create fantasies to protect themselves from potential emotional trauma.

What is the first step the speaker recommends to stop the limerence cycle?

The first step the speaker recommends is to acknowledge and accept when one is in a state of limerence and to do introspection on the feelings and reasons behind creating a fantasy of a person.

How does the speaker suggest building self-worth to combat limerence?

The speaker suggests building self-worth by being the parent and partner one wished they always had, showing oneself love by changing views on failures, self-care, and transforming negative beliefs into positive ones.

What is the importance of communication in a healthy relationship according to the script?

According to the script, communication is crucial in a healthy relationship as it allows both parties to express their wants and needs, and to meet those needs through mutual understanding and effort.

What does the speaker suggest as a way to prevent quickly jumping into infatuation with someone new?

The speaker suggests getting to know a person for a few months to form an accurate view of them before considering them as a potential partner, and to appreciate what one loves about them instead of focusing on what they do not meet one's expectations.

Outlines

00:00

🖋️ Tattoo Conversation Sparks Limerence

The paragraph details a conversation that leads to a discussion about limerence, a psychological state of deep obsession with a fantasy about another person. The speaker shares an experience where a girl's interest in his tattoo leads him to fantasize about a potential relationship, highlighting the tendency to idealize someone based on minimal interaction. The paragraph emphasizes the difference between limerence and genuine love, explaining that limerence is an infatuation with an imagined version of a person rather than who they truly are.

05:01

💺 The Comfort of Self-Love Over Limerence

This section transitions from discussing limerence to promoting a chair from the see who brand, suggesting that investing in a comfortable chair is crucial for health and well-being, especially when spending long hours sitting. The speaker shares personal preferences for the chair's features, such as adjustable armrests and a soft, self-adaptive lumbar support, emphasizing the importance of proper back and arm support for posture and energy levels. A discount code is offered for viewers interested in purchasing the chair.

10:03

🌟 Breaking the Cycle of Limerence

The speaker delves into the reasons behind limerence, often stemming from childhood neglect or past emotional traumas. They share a personal narrative of developing limerence due to a lack of self-worth and confidence. The paragraph discusses the importance of acknowledging and understanding the roots of limerence to break the cycle. The speaker suggests introspection and self-improvement as ways to build self-worth and move away from the fantasy of ideal partners, recommending journaling and self-care practices to foster self-love and real, healthy relationships.

15:04

🔗 Building Healthy Relationships Beyond Limerence

The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of moving past limerence to form genuine, healthy relationships. It suggests taking time to truly know someone before idealizing them and encourages open communication and acceptance of each other's imperfections within a relationship. The speaker shares their journey of overcoming limerence and building self-worth, which led to less dependency on others for completion. The paragraph concludes with a call to action for viewers to work on themselves and their relationships, and a reminder to check out a playlist for more videos on forming healthy relationships.

Keywords

💡Limerence

Limerence is defined as an intense, involuntary emotional attachment to another person, often characterized by obsessive thoughts and fantasies about the object of one's affection. In the video, the narrator discusses how limerence can lead to the creation of an idealized image of someone based on limited interactions, as seen when he fantasizes about a girl from his high school who he barely knew. This concept is central to the video's theme of distinguishing between infatuation and genuine love.

💡Fantasy

A fantasy, in the context of the video, refers to the mental construction of an idealized scenario or relationship that does not correspond to reality. The narrator describes how he created a fantasy about a girl's personality and behaviors based on brief observations, which is a manifestation of limerence. This fantasy element is crucial to understanding the video's exploration of the difference between loving someone in reality versus loving an idealized version of them.

💡Manga

Manga refers to the Japanese comic books and graphic novels that the narrator mentions in the beginning of the script. The character 'Guts' from 'Berserk' manga is used as a conversation starter with a girl, which leads to the narrator's realization that she might share his interest in manga. This serves as a metaphor for how small details can trigger limerence and the idealization of someone based on a shared interest.

💡Self-worth

Self-worth, as discussed in the video, pertains to an individual's sense of personal value and self-esteem. The narrator reflects on how a lack of self-worth in his teenage years contributed to his limerence, as he sought external validation through idealized romantic fantasies. The video suggests that building self-worth is essential to overcoming the cycle of limerence and forming healthy relationships.

💡Emotional Neglect

Emotional neglect is the lack of emotional care and support that an individual may experience during their upbringing or in their relationships. The video script connects emotional neglect to the development of limerence, as the narrator hypothesizes that his past experiences of feeling unacknowledged and uncared for led him to create fantasy relationships as a form of自我保护.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability in the video is discussed as the willingness to expose one's feelings and emotions to another person, which is a crucial component of genuine intimacy and love. The narrator contrasts this with the safe, fantasy-driven limerence, where there is no risk of emotional hurt because the relationship exists only in the mind. The video encourages viewers to embrace vulnerability as part of building real, lasting relationships.

💡Communication

Communication is the act of expressing thoughts, feelings, or information. In the context of the video, the narrator emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication in a relationship, suggesting that it is a key factor in distinguishing limerence from love. Healthy communication involves expressing needs and wants, which contrasts with the silent, one-sided nature of limerence.

💡Infatuation

Infatuation is a term used to describe an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone, often based on physical attraction or a superficial aspect of their personality. The video differentiates infatuation from love by pointing out that infatuation is more about the idea of a person and the excitement of newness, whereas love involves a deeper, more enduring connection.

💡Emotionally Unavailable

An emotionally unavailable person is someone who is unable or unwilling to form deep emotional connections with others. The narrator in the video discusses how, after a painful breakup, he unconsciously sought out emotionally unavailable women as a way to protect himself from further emotional pain. This concept is used to illustrate how past experiences can influence the types of relationships one pursues.

💡Self-love

Self-love, as presented in the video, is the practice of caring for and valuing oneself, which is depicted as a means to overcome the need for external validation through limerence. The narrator shares his journey of developing self-love by treating himself with kindness, setting personal goals, and practicing self-acceptance. This concept is integral to the video's message of achieving emotional independence before seeking intimacy with others.

💡Fan Fiction

Fan fiction is a type of creative writing where fans of a particular work, such as a movie, book, or TV show, write their own stories featuring the characters or settings from that work. In the video, the narrator uses the term metaphorically to describe how he created a 'fan fiction' in his mind about a girl he barely knew, illustrating the extent of his limerence and the fantasy-driven nature of his infatuation.

Highlights

A person's tattoo of a character from the manga 'Berserk' sparks a conversation about shared interests.

The speaker shares his excitement about meeting a girl who might be a fellow manga enthusiast, hinting at a potential romantic interest.

The concept of limerence is introduced, describing it as an intense infatuation with a fantasy version of someone.

The speaker reflects on his past experiences with limerence, detailing how he created idealized images of girls he barely knew.

A comparison is made between limerence and love, emphasizing the difference between fantasizing and genuine emotional connection.

The speaker discusses how limerence can stem from a desire for emotional security and a fear of being hurt.

A personal anecdote is shared about the speaker's experience with limerence during his teenage years and its impact on his self-worth.

The importance of recognizing and accepting limerence as a fantasy is highlighted as a first step towards emotional health.

The speaker suggests journaling as a method for introspection to understand the root causes of limerence.

A call to action is made for individuals to build self-worth and challenge the fantasy narratives they create about potential partners.

The video includes a product placement for an office chair, emphasizing the importance of physical comfort and health.

The speaker provides practical advice on how to transform limerence into a healthier approach to relationships.

A discussion on the importance of communication and accepting imperfections in relationships is presented.

The video concludes with encouragement for viewers to overcome limerence and build real, lasting connections with others.

A thank you note is extended to patrons, and a call to action for viewers to check out related content on building healthy relationships.

Transcripts

foreign

hey that's a cool tattoo who is that oh

thank you this is guts from the berserk

manga have you read it before no I know

I haven't but uh it looks cool though

appreciate it

dude I'm telling you this girl might be

the one all right just give me the run

down real quick all right so she was

walking by me then she noticed my tattoo

my arm and she said that's a cool tattoo

and she asked me who it was yes and I

explained the character to her and she

thought it was cool and she didn't say

anything about what manga was so she

must be a margarita herself and you know

how long I've been looking for someone

who's a manga reader dude this might be

my future wife does this story sound

familiar if it does then it's likely

that you too have fantasized and planned

out an entire life with a girl whom

you've only exchanged a few words with

and you might not see it as that big of

a problem right now but this type of

behavior will significantly impact your

life in a negative way if it continues

have you ever put thought into why you

get so infatuated with a woman in the

first place I mean I can tell you from

my experience that I certainly didn't

when I'd cycle through the next girl

that could potentially be the one in my

head when I was in high school there was

this one girl a grade below me who I

would see in the Halls every now and

again it wasn't that I was overly

attracted to her physical appearance but

something about the way that she carried

herself gave off a sort of I'll be

gentle and listen to you Aura and it

definitely piques my interest but this

was just the start of a several

month-long infatuation I had with this

woman this phenomenon is what is known

as limerence in the field of psychology

it's the state of profound deep

obsession with a fantasy you have about

another person in your mind now you

might be everything to yourself well

Cole isn't that how all crushes work if

you really like someone then you're

going to be thinking about them when

they're not around you but there's a

couple key differences we can use in

order to distinguish between whether you

genuinely love someone or you're just in

a state of limerence I still remember

the things that I told myself about who

this girl in the great below me was like

she was cute but not too in your face

cute like she wanted everyone to notice

her the subtleness of her cuteness only

added to her attraction she always

seemed to have a smile on her face when

she was talking to others which

indicated to me that she was a giver she

prioritized the well-being of others

over herself and nurtured her

relationships and she definitely wasn't

the most popular girl in school but she

didn't seem to care because she was

confident in herself and she knew that

she was exactly where she needed to be

this was one of those rare cases where

the girl didn't even give me any

attention and yet I was still able to

conceive an entire personality for her

based on a few brief glances and that's

the first distinction between love and

limerence limerence is the kind of love

at first sight feeling that doesn't have

a sound enough reason to back up this

idea of the person you've created and

the person that you are infatuated with

is an idea of the person that fits who

you'd like that person to be rather than

who the person actually is another good

way to phrase this that I've heard

before is that limerence is to love what

masturbation is to sex it may feel like

the real thing but what you're doing is

really just creating some sort of

fantasy scenario that doesn't actually

exist in the real world I wanted to see

if my speculations about this girl were

correct so I started to check if she had

a social media presence and I found that

she had a Facebook but no Instagram from

this I concluded that she must not care

about having a lot of followers on

social media I thought to myself she

must really not need to show off or care

about others attention it's just like I

had suspected from the start of course I

could have never known if this was

actually true or not because I never

even talked to her but I used my

preconceived beliefs about what it meant

to not have an Instagram to create a

story that would match what I already

wanted to believe was true about her and

so my fantasy started to gain more fuel

the feeling of this inaccurate depiction

of her induced a sense of lightness and

safety in me and every time I saw her in

the Halls this feeling intensified this

is the second way you can distinguish

between limerence and love when you

start the process of identifying whether

you love the idea of a person or who

that person is in reality how does that

idea make you feel pay attention to your

emotional and physical state when you're

in that fantasy what most people report

is that when they see the person whom

they are infatuated with that person

will have a sort of glow about them

which almost elevates them above

Humanity kind of like a visual

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now as I've described so far figuring

out whether you love the idea of a

person versus who that person actually

is in real life is fairly easy to

quantify but perhaps what is more

important and usually more difficult but

necessary for the healing process is

understanding why this phenomenon is

happening to you in the first place as I

continue to admire this girl from afar

the stories of how our potential

relationship could look started to

intensify I imagine us together bonding

over our favorite TV show in a coffee

shop and when I'd be in the middle of

explaining one of my favorite scenes

she'd keep her eye contact as she

reached across the table to grab my hand

we'd end the day by laying in a field in

the park near my house and I'd feel

completely and utterly safe like nothing

could ever hurt me again when I look

back at this story I was creating it's

easy to tell why it happened up until

that point in my life I had never felt

like anyone truly cared about my wants

and needs I was a young kid who had

never had a girlfriend despite having

many crushes and I completely lacked any

sort of self-worth or confidence if you

two have had teachers and peers neglect

your emotional needs and you didn't feel

safe secure and acknowledged in your

everyday life this is more than likely

to develop and the reason it develops

this way is because you're trying to

protect yourself from any future trauma

by putting yourself in a fantasy of

Future Love rather than in the difficult

situation of an actual relationship of

love as I went through the first half of

my teenage years I'd continue to have

these bouts of limerence only to have

them suddenly wear off when the idea of

who I thought the girl was got shattered

but finally that young 15 year old Cole

got himself into a relationship and what

once could be viewed from a distance and

fantasized about was now in much closer

proximity on a daily basis still though

I was somehow able to convince myself

that my girlfriend was different I

depended on her for my worth as a man

and I had a strong Vision as to who I

thought she was then as we went off to

college everything came crashing down

she ended up dumping me over the phone

which I didn't even consider to be a

possibility at the time and I later

found out she had cheated on me multiple

times I had finally given in to pursuing

a woman past the fantasy I had of her

and I got hurt very badly because of it

so when I found out that she wasn't who

I thought she was I unconsciously

decided that from now on it would be

best to get infatuated with a woman who

was emotionally unavailable or distant

it was my way of protecting myself from

getting hurt again by living in that

Fantasy Realm but the ironic thing about

all that is it was only a

self-perpetuating cycle of more harm

because I was so attracted to

emotionally unavailable women my

infatuation would always be one-sided

and I'd get hurt again and again so you

see limerence doesn't just develop from

childhood neglect it can also develop if

you go through situations in which you

get hurt by the reality of life with

that reality being that life is hard and

many people are gonna make you feel like

you're worthless and if you don't yet

know how to handle that each new

potential crush or relationship you

start to approach will be shrouded by

the fantasy of a partner who could never

hurt you or do no wrong and as soon as

they do something that goes against that

idea of who you want them to be in your

head it causes an uproar emotional

volatility and you think to yourself

alright well on to the next one the

truth is real true love and intimacy is

difficult it requires you to bring the

person down to your level and see them

with all of their insecurities flaws and

differences and not who you want them to

be many of us think we want real

connections when we really don't we're

afraid to be vulnerable communicate our

wants in a healthy way take

responsibility for our actions and not

project onto our partner if you've never

experienced unconditional love in your

life then what I just listed off here

might be the most terrifying thing you

can think of because it puts you in a

state of potentially getting your heart

broken and having that fantasy world

destroyed and yeah that is really scary

but it's so much more fulfilling and

healthier than living in a daydream

fueled by your traumatic past so what

can you do to stop this vicious

limerence cycle of falling for the idea

of someone who you think will give you

unconditional love that you desperately

want but have never had well the first

step is to acknowledge and accept when

you are in a state of limerence you now

have a good idea of what the signs of

limerence look like so the next time it

happens acknowledge that you are in fact

in a Fantasy Realm and that your

assumptions and expectations are not

rooted in reality when this happens you

should do your own introspection on

everything you are feeling at that

moment and why you think you are

creating this idea of this person in the

first place take some time to journal

what limerence feels like to you from

the thoughts you have to the emotions

that arise to the physical Sensations

that come up and most importantly write

down what it is about this person that

you're so attracted to and whether it

accurately depicts the reality of this

person or not now once you have a good

idea of what this feels like reflect

back on your younger years did you feel

emotionally neglected growing up were

you abandoned by anyone and now you're

trying to find the idea of a person to

replace that abandonment or did you

simply just feel totally incompetent and

unworthy and thought you'd be incomplete

unless you met the fantasy of the person

you created be honest and easy with

yourself in this process it's not your

fault that these things happen to you

there's probably nothing you could do

and now after you've done all that you

can start the process of transforming

this learned behavior what I did when I

started to look at the type of women I

was attracted to and why this developed

was begin the process of building up my

own self-worth by basically being the

parent and partner I wished I always had

that idea of the person in your Fantasy

Realm that embodies all the

characteristics you're looking for in a

relationship it can actually be found

within yourself through enough

acceptance and action so I decided to

list out all the things I was looking

for in my fantasy partner someone who

supports my Endeavors encourages me to

never give up even when times are tough

cares for me and does nice things for me

doesn't yell at me when I do something

wrong but instead communicates it in a

healthy way and really truly loves me

the more that they get to know me and

then I started to ask myself what can I

start doing in my everyday life to give

those things to myself so I started

showing myself that I do in fact Love

Myself by changing the way I viewed my

failures and rejections and instead

seeing them as just a stepping stone to

get better I started cooking meals for

myself and taking myself out to dinner I

did the things that someone who loved

themselves would do like create a

purpose work on it get consistent

exercise good sleep and hygiene and I

would write down every negative belief I

had about myself in a journal cross that

out and transform it into a newer

more accurate and beneficial belief and

I would remind myself of that new belief

every single day and I started to tell

myself that it was okay to not be

perfect and it was okay that other

people aren't perfect and we all have

insecurities and things we don't like

about ourselves and that is fine

eventually I got to the point where I

felt like I didn't need another person

to complete me and my infatuation for

other women occasionally it just went

away almost completely because I knew

that what I was trying to get this

person to fulfill for me was already

fulfilled and I say this is almost went

away because honestly this is not

perfect and I still sometimes catch

myself creating some sort of Ideal for

my current partner but it is certainly

much better than when I was younger

before you start to think the next

person who gives you any ounce of

attention or just looks a certain way is

the one give yourself at least a few

months to get to know them in order to

form an accurate view of them and when

you do actually get into a relationship

or if you're in one right now you must

accept the fact that real connection

means that people are not always going

to do what you want them to do when that

happens instead of thinking to yourself

This doesn't match up with who I thought

they were so I'm gonna make this into a

huge thing you need to express

appreciation for what you do love about

what they do instead of just simply

expecting them to figure it out or

expecting that they should have known

because a healthy loving relation ship

is built upon trusting that the other

person will not judge you for

communicating your wants and needs and

having both parties learn to meet those

needs to the best of their ability

through that communication it is way

less idealistic fantasy-like and safe

feeling but a long lasting relationship

filled with actual love and not

limerence can be built when you start to

do all of these things and trust me from

my experience I can tell you that it

feels a hell of a lot better than

limerence once it is built you might

need to re-watch this video several

times to get this concept and plan of

action to really stick in your head and

do something about it but if my overly

romanticized ass can do it then you can

do it too

[Music]

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I'm heading out peace