Why Perfectionism Isn't Perfect -- and How to Overcome It

How to ADHD

25 Oct 201605:19

Summary

TLDRThis episode delves into the paradox of perfectionism among ADHD individuals, who despite not being perfect, set high standards leading to anxiety and dissatisfaction. The host candidly discusses how their perfectionism has contributed to their show's success but also acknowledges its drawbacks, such as hindering progress and causing stress. They explore the root of perfectionism—fear of rejection—and suggest alternative drivers for effort, like setting achievable goals and seeking professional help. The episode encourages embracing imperfection and the value of contributions, despite flaws, for personal growth and societal enrichment.

Takeaways

😣 'The problem with perfectionism is that it sets unrealistically high standards and can lead to feelings of failure when not met.'
🚀 'Perfectionism can drive individuals to work harder and exceed expectations, which can be a source of pride.'
🎯 'Effort, not perfectionism itself, is what leads to success, as it pushes individuals to put in the work required.'
🛑 'Perfectionism can be a hindrance, causing individuals to obsess over details and avoid taking risks or making mistakes.'
🔄 'It is beneficial to redefine success and set achievable goals that allow for progress rather than striving for unattainable perfection.'
🤝 'Finding other motivators besides perfectionism, such as helping others or personal growth, can lead to more fulfilling efforts.'
🤯 'Seeking professional help, like a coach or therapist, can provide support in managing and overcoming perfectionistic tendencies.'
🚧 'Approach the challenge of overcoming perfectionism with caution, treating it like any other fear that needs to be faced gradually.'
🌙 'Aim for a balance between striving for excellence and maintaining self-care, such as getting enough sleep and allowing for rest.'
🌟 'Acceptance and self-worth come from embracing one's flaws and contributions, not from achieving perfection.'

Q & A

What is the main issue with perfectionism according to the script?
-The main issue with perfectionism is that it sets unrealistically high standards for oneself, leading to feelings of failure when those standards aren't met, and it can drive people to work excessively hard, sometimes to the point of stress and anxiety.
How does the script suggest perfectionism affects people with ADHD?
-The script suggests that people with ADHD tend to be perfectionists, which can lead to them feeling like they've failed if they don't meet their high standards, but also drives them to work harder than others to exceed expectations.
What are the three key points the script makes about perfectionism?
-The three key points are: A) It's not perfectionism itself that leads to success, but the effort it drives; B) Perfectionism is not the only thing that can motivate effort; C) Perfectionism can be a detrimental driver, causing people to obsess over details and avoid taking risks.
Why does the script suggest that perfectionism might be a defense mechanism against rejection?
-The script suggests that perfectionism acts as a defense mechanism against rejection because if one never makes mistakes or puts themselves out there, they avoid the possibility of criticism or being judged as not good enough.
What alternative to perfectionism does the script propose for setting and reaching goals?
-The script proposes giving perfectionism 'directions' by changing the marker for success, such as focusing on progress and effort rather than achieving an unattainable standard of perfection.
How does the script recommend dealing with the fear associated with perfectionism?
-The script recommends treating perfectionism like any other fear and overcoming it gradually, possibly with the help of a coach or therapist, and by setting realistic goals and expectations.
What is the script's stance on the idea that one must be perfect before starting something?
-The script discourages the idea of waiting to be perfect before starting something, arguing that this can lead to missed opportunities and depriving the world of one's contributions.
What advice does the script give for managing the tendency to let perfectionism drive one's actions?
-The script advises setting clear goals, finding other motivators besides perfectionism, working with professionals to manage perfectionistic tendencies, and reminding oneself of the negative impacts of perfectionism.
How does the script relate the concept of perfectionism to mental health issues?
-The script relates perfectionism to mental health issues by stating that it can lead to anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, and suggests that overcoming perfectionism can contribute to better mental health.
What does the script suggest is the key to real acceptance, as discovered by researcher Brene Brown?
-The script suggests that real acceptance comes not from being above criticism, but from putting oneself out there and recognizing that one is enough, with all their flaws, and has something valuable to contribute.
What are some practical steps the script suggests for wrestling control away from perfectionism?
-Some practical steps suggested are setting clear success markers, finding other drivers for effort, working with a coach or therapist, proceeding with caution, admitting struggles, asking for help, and reminding oneself why perfectionism should not drive.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Struggle with Perfectionism

The speaker begins by humorously highlighting the difficulty of defining the problem with perfectionism. They then delve into the topic, explaining that perfectionism is common among individuals with ADHD, leading them to set excessively high standards for themselves. Despite the pain of perceived failure, this trait can also drive them to work exceptionally hard. The speaker admits to being a perfectionist, acknowledging the anxiety it can cause and the difficulty in enjoying one's own work due to a focus on imperfections. However, they also recognize the positive outcomes, such as the success of their show, which has garnered 30,000 subscribers. The speaker then shares three key insights: perfectionism is not the cause of success but rather the effort it inspires; there are other drivers of effort besides perfectionism; and perfectionism can be detrimental, causing unnecessary stress and hindering progress. They conclude by advocating for effort and high standards without letting perfectionism control the journey, suggesting that it stems from fear of rejection and unrealistic expectations.

05:04

😅 Balancing Ambition and Reality

In the closing segment, the speaker addresses the audience directly, acknowledging the imperfections in their video production schedule and length. They express a commitment to strive for improvement without the pressure of achieving perfection. The speaker humorously admits to the irony of their own perfectionism in trying to keep videos under five minutes and releasing them on Tuesdays, while also recognizing the importance of being flexible and realistic in their goals.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a person's striving for flawlessness and setting extremely high standards for themselves. In the context of the video, it is depicted as a driving force that can lead to anxiety and an inability to enjoy achievements due to a constant focus on what could be improved. The speaker acknowledges their own perfectionism and how it has influenced their work, using the example of their show's production, where they strive for perfection but also recognize its negative impact on their mental health and overall satisfaction.

💡ADHD

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by symptoms such as inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. The script mentions that individuals with ADHD, like the speaker, often exhibit perfectionist tendencies. This connection is used to illustrate how the desire for perfection can be particularly intense for those with ADHD, leading to a cycle of high expectations and subsequent feelings of failure when those expectations are not met.

💡Failure

Failure, in the video, is discussed as an emotional response to not meeting one's own high standards, which are often set by perfectionists. The speaker reflects on how the fear of failure can be a motivator but also a source of pain. They use the analogy of perfectionism 'stinging' when they fall short, highlighting the emotional impact of not achieving the unrealistic goals set by their perfectionism.

💡Effort

Effort is portrayed as a positive force in the video, distinct from perfectionism. The speaker argues that it is the effort put in, rather than the perfectionism itself, that leads to success. They give the example of their show's success, suggesting that the hard work they put in, driven by their perfectionism, contributed to their achievements, but also emphasize that effort can be harnessed without the negative aspects of perfectionism.

💡Fear

Fear is identified as a key underlying emotion that fuels perfectionism. The speaker suggests that the fear of rejection and the fear of not being good enough are what drive perfectionists to avoid making mistakes and to strive for an unattainable ideal. This fear is presented as a barrier that prevents individuals from fully engaging with their work and from accepting themselves despite their flaws.

💡Backseat Driver

The term 'backseat driver' is used metaphorically in the video to describe how perfectionism can be overbearing and controlling, especially when it comes to the work of others. The speaker humorously notes that perfectionism can be annoying when it tries to dictate how things should be done, much like a backseat driver who constantly critiques the driver's actions.

💡Pothole

A 'pothole' in the script is used as a metaphor for obstacles or mistakes. The speaker explains that perfectionism can cause individuals to obsess over small errors or setbacks, much like a driver who is thrown off course by a pothole. This metaphor is used to illustrate how perfectionism can lead to an excessive focus on minor issues, detracting from the bigger picture.

💡Directions

Directions, in the context of the video, refer to setting clear goals and expectations that can help guide behavior away from the pitfalls of perfectionism. The speaker suggests that by defining what success looks like in a more realistic and achievable way, one can mitigate the negative effects of perfectionism and focus on progress rather than an unattainable ideal.

💡Pro

A 'pro' in the video refers to a professional, such as a coach or therapist, who can provide support and guidance in managing perfectionism. The speaker recommends seeking help from professionals to set and adjust goals or to work through the fears associated with perfectionism, indicating that overcoming perfectionism can be a collaborative process.

💡Acceptance

Acceptance is discussed as a state of self-acknowledgment and self-worth that comes from recognizing one's value despite imperfections. The speaker cites researcher Brene Brown's work, suggesting that true acceptance is not about being beyond criticism but about embracing one's flaws and contributions. This concept is presented as an alternative mindset to perfectionism, encouraging individuals to value themselves and their efforts without the need for flawlessness.

💡Patreon

Patreon, mentioned in the video, is a crowdfunding platform where creators can receive financial support from their audience, or 'patrons.' The speaker thanks their Patreon supporters for enabling the production of the show, highlighting the role of community and support in the creative process. This term is used to illustrate the collaborative nature of content creation and the importance of audience engagement beyond the immediate theme of perfectionism.

Highlights

The problem with perfectionism is it sets unrealistically high standards and leads to feelings of failure.

Perfectionism can drive individuals to work harder to exceed expectations, but it may also cause anxiety.

The speaker acknowledges their own perfectionism and its impact on their work and enjoyment.

Success is attributed to the effort driven by perfectionism, not the perfectionism itself.

There are other drivers of effort besides perfectionism, contrary to what perfectionism might suggest.

Perfectionism can be a hindrance, causing individuals to revisit the same tasks or avoid starting due to non-ideal conditions.

Perfectionism can turn into a backseat driver, making collaboration and progress stressful.

The pursuit of perfection can lead to wasted time and missed opportunities.

The speaker recommends putting in effort and setting high standards but not letting perfectionism drive the process.

Perfectionism is a defense mechanism against rejection and fear of failure.

The speaker suggests giving perfectionism directions by changing the marker for success.

Identifying and leveraging other drivers besides perfectionism can help in overcoming it.

Working with a professional, like a coach or therapist, can assist in managing perfectionism.

Perfectionism should be approached with caution, similar to overcoming any fear.

The speaker sets a personal goal to manage their perfectionism by adjusting work hours and seeking help.

Reminding oneself of the negative impacts of perfectionism can help in resisting its control.

Acceptance and contribution come from embracing one's flaws, not from being perfect.

The speaker encourages viewers to start contributing despite imperfections, rather than waiting for perfection.

The episode concludes with a call to action for viewers to subscribe and support the show's continuation.