Write your own invitation: how to make friends as an adult man

Summary

Dr. Orion Taban discusses the concept of 'writing your own invitation' to gain access to desired groups or individuals. He explains that instead of waiting for an invitation, one must create value to attract attention. Taban shares his personal motivation for creating his channel, Psyx, to connect with respected figures by offering valuable content. He emphasizes the importance of providing value in relationships, especially for men, to combat loneliness and build connections. Taban's insights highlight the necessity of offering something of worth to secure a place in others' lives.

Takeaways

• 📝 To gain access to desired groups or individuals, one must often take the initiative to 'write their own invitation' by demonstrating value.
• 🌟 Dr. Orion Taban's channel, psyx, aims to reduce unnecessary suffering and was also motivated by a personal desire to engage with respected figures.
• 💼 Taban was not primarily driven by money or fame but by the aspiration to have meaningful conversations with influential people.
• 🤝 To be noticed by busy and successful individuals, one must offer something of value that makes interacting with them worthwhile.
• 🔄 The concept of 'opportunity cost' is crucial; successful people must choose how to spend their time, and one must provide value to compete for their attention.
• 📈 Taban emphasizes that providing value is more important than the ideas discussed, as it influences decisions about time allocation.
• 💡 His book, 'The Value of Others,' explores an economic model of relationships and offers advice on navigating the 'sexual marketplace'.
• 🧠 Men are particularly advised to understand the importance of value in relationships due to a societal trend of male loneliness.
• 👥 Making new friendships as an adult man involves leveraging one's value to increase the likelihood of meaningful interactions.
• 🌐 Taban's success in building relationships often comes from professional interactions that lead to personal connections, highlighting the importance of value in social dynamics.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Dr. Orion Taban's talk in the transcript?

The main topic of Dr. Orion Taban's talk is about writing your own invitation, which means creating value to gain acceptance or recognition from a certain group or individual.

Why is it important to create value according to Dr. Taban?

Creating value is important because it motivates the person or group you want to connect with to come to you or at least recognize your existence. Without sufficient value, you remain invisible to them.

What was Dr. Taban's personal motivation for creating the Psyx channel?

Dr. Taban's personal motivation for creating the Psyx channel was to meet and converse with people he respected and admired, discussing topics of mutual interest.

How does Dr. Taban suggest one should approach meeting influential individuals?

Dr. Taban suggests that one should build something of sufficient value that it wouldn't be a loss for influential individuals to interact with you, making the interaction competitive in the context of their optionality.

What is the primary mission of the Psyx channel according to the transcript?

The primary mission of the Psyx channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering on the planet.

Why did Dr. Taban work without reward, recognition, or payment for a few years?

Dr. Taban worked without reward, recognition, or payment for a few years because he knew he had to create something of value to gain the attention and interaction of the people he wanted to connect with.

What does Dr. Taban believe is essential for men to understand in the context of making new friends?

Dr. Taban believes it is essential for men to understand that they need to cultivate sufficient value to justify the interaction, as men tend to prioritize their friendships lower and make value calculations about how to spend their time and attention.

What is the secret to making new friends as a man, according to Dr. Taban?

The secret to making new friends as a man, according to Dr. Taban, is to figure out how to parlay your value into a relationship, which bumps you up in men's internal calculations and increases the likelihood of more interactions leading to friendships.

What book does Dr. Taban recommend for readers interested in his insights on relationships?

Dr. Taban recommends his book 'The Value of Others' for readers interested in his insights on relationships, where he delves into his economic model of relationships and provides actionable advice.

How can one access certain opportunities according to the transcript?

According to the transcript, one can access certain opportunities by cultivating sufficient value and being willing to assume the risk and expense of doing so in advance of the invitation.

Outlines

00:00

📝 Writing Your Own Invitation to Success

Dr. Orion Taban introduces the concept of 'writing your own invitation' as a metaphor for creating opportunities by demonstrating value. He explains that to gain acceptance or attention from a group or individual, one must actively create something valuable that prompts the desired party to engage or recognize one's existence. Taban shares his personal motivation for creating the 'psyx' channel, which is to reduce suffering and connect with respected individuals in his field. He emphasizes that he didn't start the channel for money or fame but to have meaningful conversations with interesting people. He acknowledges the importance of offering value to gain a 'seat at the table' and discusses the economic model of relationships, suggesting that his book 'The Value of Others' delves deeper into this concept.

05:00

🤝 Cultivating Value for Meaningful Relationships

In the second paragraph, Dr. Taban discusses the importance of cultivating value to access opportunities and form relationships, especially for men in the context of the 'male loneliness epidemic.' He points out that men often prioritize friendships lower than other activities due to perceived value calculations. Taban suggests that to make new friends, particularly as an adult man, one must leverage their value to increase the likelihood of interactions leading to friendships. He shares his experience of building relationships through professional interactions, such as interviews, which often lead to socializing and long-term connections. The key takeaway is the necessity of providing value to offset the potential loss one might represent without it, which is crucial for forming relationships in a busy and competitive social landscape.

Keywords

💡Invitation

In the context of the video, 'invitation' is used metaphorically to represent the opportunity or acceptance into a group or the attention of an individual. The speaker emphasizes that one cannot passively wait for such opportunities; instead, they must actively create them. This concept is central to the video's theme of taking initiative to gain recognition and access to desired social circles, as illustrated by the speaker's own experience of creating content to engage with respected individuals.

💡Value

The term 'value' is a recurring concept in the video, referring to the worth or usefulness an individual brings to a relationship or interaction. The speaker argues that to be noticed or accepted by a certain group or person, one must offer something of value that would make others want to engage with them. This value could be expertise, an audience, or any other form of asset that makes interaction mutually beneficial, as demonstrated by the speaker's strategy to build an audience for their channel to attract conversations with influential people.

💡Self-interested concerns

'Self-interested concerns' are personal motivations that drive an individual's actions, distinct from altruistic or noble intentions. The speaker candidly admits that while their primary mission is to reduce suffering, they were also motivated by a desire to engage with respected individuals. This concept is important as it shows the complexity of human motivation and how personal interests can align with broader goals, such as creating a platform that serves both personal and social purposes.

💡Opportunity cost

In the video, 'opportunity cost' is used to explain why successful individuals are selective about their interactions. It refers to the loss of potential gain from other alternatives when one alternative is chosen over others. The speaker uses this economic concept to explain why they had to offer something of value to justify the time and attention of the people they wished to engage with, as those individuals have many options and must weigh the costs and benefits of each interaction.

💡Invisible

The term 'invisible' is used to describe the state of being unnoticed or ignored by a desired group or individual. The speaker asserts that without creating value, one remains invisible to those they wish to connect with. This concept is crucial to the video's message, as it underscores the necessity of standing out and being recognized in social and professional contexts, which the speaker achieved by creating a platform that commands an audience.

💡Sexual Marketplace

The 'sexual marketplace' is a concept used to describe the social dynamics of dating and relationships, where individuals are seen as commodities with certain attributes that can be exchanged or valued. The speaker mentions this in relation to providing value in relationships, suggesting that just as in economic markets, one must offer something desirable to be successful in the 'marketplace' of dating and companionship.

💡Male loneliness epidemic

The 'male loneliness epidemic' refers to the social issue of high levels of loneliness among men, which the speaker discusses as a backdrop for the importance of building relationships. The term is used to highlight the need for men to understand and apply the concept of providing value in forming connections, as traditional male socialization may not prioritize friendships in the same way women do, leading to a higher risk of isolation.

💡Value proposition

A 'value proposition' is a marketing term that describes the benefits and reasons a customer should buy a product or service. In the video, the speaker adapts this concept to personal relationships, suggesting that individuals must present a compelling value proposition to others to form connections. This involves demonstrating how an interaction with them would be rewarding or beneficial, which can lead to more social opportunities.

💡Word of Mouth

'Word of mouth' refers to the act of one person telling another about something, such as a product, service, or in this case, a video or channel. The speaker encourages viewers to share the episode with others who might benefit, emphasizing the power of personal recommendations in growing an audience. This concept is integral to the video's message about creating value, as it suggests that the content itself should be so valuable that viewers willingly promote it.

💡Economic model of relationships

The 'economic model of relationships' is a theoretical framework presented by the speaker in his book, which applies economic principles to understand human interactions in dating and mating. The model suggests that individuals make rational choices in relationships based on perceived value and benefits, similar to economic transactions. This concept is central to the video's discussion on how to create and maintain relationships by providing value.

Highlights

The concept of writing your own invitation to gain acceptance or recognition.

Creating value to motivate others to engage with you.

The importance of not waiting for an invitation but creating one's own opportunities.

Dr. Orion Taban's personal motivation behind creating the psyx channel.

The mission to reduce unnecessary suffering and the personal desire to meet respected individuals.

The strategy of working without immediate reward to build something of value.

The analogy of sending a cold email to a famous person and the challenges of gaining attention.

The necessity of offering value to offset the opportunity cost for busy individuals.

The idea that successful people must choose how to spend their time and attention.

The value of an audience and its role in decision-making regarding time allocation.

The book 'The Value of Others' and its exploration of an economic model of relationships.

Actionable advice on improving one's standing in the sexual marketplace.

The importance of cultivating value to justify interactions and opportunities.

The male loneliness epidemic and its implications for friendship and connection.

The tendency of men to prioritize friendships lower than other activities.

The secret to making new friends as a man by leveraging one's value.

The role of professional interactions in forming personal connections.

The necessity of providing value to be desired in relationships.

Encouragement for listeners to share their experiences and engage with the channel.

Information on how to join Dr. Taban's free newsletter and book consultations.

Transcripts

I'm Dr Orion taban and this is psyx

Better Living Through psychology and the

topic of today's short talk is write

your own invitation what does this mean

this means that if you want an in

somewhere if you want to be accepted by

a certain group or individual you

generally can't wait for an invitation

to come to you you will need to write

your own invitation and you do that by

creating something of sufficient value

to motivate the person or group you want

to get in with to come to you or at

least to recognize that you exist if you

do not do this if you do not cultivate

sufficient value then you will remain

invisible to that group or person I

guarantee

it and to illustrate what this might

look like we're going to take a peak

behind the curtain and discuss some of

my motivations in creating this channel

now the primary mission of this channel

is was and will be to reduce the amount

of unnecessary suffering on this planet

like that's not going to change and

while this might sound very Noble let's

also not pretend that I wasn't motivated

by my own self-interested concerns as

well however these concerns weren't more

money I was already making pretty good

income in my private practice or fame

I'm actually fairly introverted by

Nature what I wanted was to be able to

meet some of the the people that I

respected and

admired I heard some people talking on

YouTube and in The Wider sphere of

social discourse and I thought I would

like to have a conversation with them

these people are talking about things

that I'm interested in and I actually

know a lot about I would like a seat at

that table to talk to interesting people

about things that I care about how cool

would that be that was my personal

motivation in starting psycha and to do

this I worked for a few years without

any reward recognition or payment that's

how much I wanted it and I did this

because I knew I had to do this like

imagine I just sent a cold email to one

of these famous and important

individuals and I said hey you don't

know me but you really should I'm a

psychologist and an expert in

relationships and I'd love for the two

of us to get together so I can share my

ideas about intersexual Dynamics and we

can have a high L discussion on our

differences and commonalities let me

know when you're free like no one would

ever respond let alone take me

up on the offer and it's not because I

didn't know what I was talking about or

because we wouldn't have had a fantastic

conversation or because we couldn't even

have become friends or at least

acquaintances it's because I was a

random nobody and irrespective of what I

did or did not know or what I could or

could not do there was no way I could

access those people while I remained a

random

nobody the way to get an invitation to

that table was to build something of

such sufficient value that it wouldn't

be a loss for these people to interact

with me and trust me it would have been

a loss successful intelligent

interesting busy people have lots of

places to go and lots of people to see

consequently they have to make choices

about how to spend their time and

allocate their attention and it would be

irrational for them to give me their

time and attention as long as more

potentially rewarding opportunities were

available the opportunity cost would

just be too great so to offset that cost

I needed to be able to offer something

of value to these people to make an

interaction with me more competitive in

the context of their overarching

optionality and that's something what

the ability to command an audience with

respect to making decisions about their

time this was more important than any of

the ideas I might discuss with them do

you understand even if these people

might have genuinely and

enthusiastically been interested in

talking to me about certain things it

never would have happened had I not been

able to provide that audience which is

the value that prevents the conversation

from inflicting a loss the par parallels

to other types of relationships

especially sexual relationships should

be

obvious if you appreciate the insights

on this channel I would highly encourage

you to get your hands on a copy of my

book the value of others over the course

of 432 pages I delve deep into my

economic model of relationships and

explain the behavior of both men and

women in the game of mating and dating I

also provide a lot of actionable advice

on how to get and keep more of what you

want in the sexual Marketplace once you

read the value of others you'll never

look at relationships the same way again

now available in ebook audiobook and

paperback formats the links are in the

description to access certain

opportunities it is essential that you

cultivate sufficient value to justify

the interaction and you will likely need

to assume the risk and expense of doing

so in advance of the invitation now this

is important for all people to

understand but it is especially

important for men to understand as we

are often told we are currently in the

midst of a male loneliness epidemic and

just to be clear this doesn't just mean

single men sitting at home alone on the

couch some of the loneliest men I know

are married with kids in fact the more

people around you who don't see you or

accept accept you the lonier you tend to

be in any case there are a lot of lonely

men out there and why is that it's not

like men don't value male friendship my

male friends are some of the most

important people in my life however men

do tend to prioritize their friendships

rather low like when a friend hangs out

with me he doesn't get laid he doesn't

get paid he doesn't get stronger he

doesn't build a legacy with his children

do you see I could be the coolest

bestest friend in the world but I'm

still going to be the eighth highest

priority for my male friends and this is

because men are making value

calculations about how to spend their

time and attention which is entirely

rational For Better or Worse men don't

seem to Value connection for the sake of

connection as much as women do which is

a big part of why women aren't suffering

in the same

way now it's hard to make new friends

especially as an adult man but going to

share the secret of how to do so with

you today the way to make new friends as

a man is to figure out how to Parlay

your value into a

relationship it's the value proposition

that bumps you up several points in

men's internal calculations which will

significantly increase the likelihood

that you will have more interactions

that could potentially lead to

friendships on the surface this just

looks like a professional thing and

sometimes it is like in my case

sometimes I show up for an interview we

do the talk and I never hear from them

again but that's actually pretty rare

what happens in the vast majority of

cases is that there is a lot of back and

forth leading up to the interview and a

fair amount of interaction both before

and after the recording and generally

some socializing dinner drinks

afterwards in some cases it's almost

like the interview was kind of the

excuse to hang out with each other

and we typically stay in touch from that

point on and while I wouldn't say that

many of them are friends I've only met

some of them very recently we are

certainly on friendly terms and the

longer that goes on the more the

relationship will tend in that direction

my dudes if I can do it you can do it

this is the secret as I say in my book

it is neither the good nor the loving

nor The Virtuous who are desired for

relationships but the people

whom others want things from if you want

to be rich in relationships you will

need to be willing and able to provide

value this is not necessarily because

everyone is greedy and materialistic at

a certain point people tend to have more

than enough you need to be able to

provide value in order to offset the

loss you would constitute without it do

this and people will make space for you

and in their busy and successful lives

for most of us there is no other way to

get in the game what do you think does

this fit with your own experience let me

know in the comments below and please

send this episode to someone who you

think might benefit from its message as

it's Word of Mouth referrals like this

that really help to make the channel

grow and anyone looking to join my free

Weekly Newsletter or book a paid

consultation can do so on my website the

links to everything are in the

description below as always ways I

appreciate your support and thank you

for listening