Break Free from Nice Guy Syndrome | No More, Mr. Nice Guy | Dr. Robert A Glover | Book Summary
Summary
TLDRIn 'No More Mr. Nice Guy,' Dr. Robert A. Glover explores the 'Nice Guy Syndrome,' a pattern of behavior where men seek approval to the detriment of their own needs. The script delves into the origins of this syndrome, typically rooted in childhood, and offers strategies for recovery, including self-approval, setting boundaries, and reclaiming personal power and masculinity. It emphasizes the importance of self-love and self-pleasure in achieving fulfilling relationships and overcoming fear to live the life one desires.
Takeaways
- 😀 The 'Nice Guy Syndrome' is a modern phenomenon where men raised to seek approval, especially from women, often end up being unhappy and unfulfilled despite their good behavior.
- 🤔 The term 'Nice Guy' can be misleading as these individuals may resort to manipulative and controlling behaviors to get what they want, contrary to their outwardly agreeable nature.
- 🔄 Recovery from 'Nice Guy Syndrome' involves becoming integrated, accepting one's imperfections, and taking responsibility for one's own needs rather than seeking external validation.
- 👶 Childhood experiences, particularly those involving feelings of abandonment or neglect, can lead to the development of 'Nice Guy Syndrome' by fostering a sense of toxic shame.
- 🙅♂️ To recover, men should stop seeking external validation and instead focus on self-approval, self-care, and spending time alone to understand their true selves.
- 💪 Reclaiming personal power involves surrendering control over unmanageable aspects of life, facing fears, expressing emotions, developing integrity, and setting boundaries.
- 🏋️♂️ Masculinity, when repressed, can lead to a lack of assertiveness and strength. Men should reconnect with other men, build physical strength, and find healthy male role models to reclaim their masculinity.
- 👫 Finding love involves self-approval and setting boundaries in relationships to create an atmosphere of respect and security, which is essential for a healthy partnership.
- 🚫 Nice Guys often struggle with sexual issues due to fear and shame. Addressing these issues requires open communication about sexuality and learning to take responsibility for one's own sexual pleasure.
- 🎯 To achieve one's desires, it's important to face fears head-on, visualize goals, and take active steps to make dreams a reality, rather than being held back by fear or settling for less.
- 📚 The script emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and change, encouraging individuals to break free from the 'Nice Guy' mold and embrace a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Q & A
What is the main premise of Dr. Robert A. Glover's 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'?
-The book explores the concept of 'Nice Guy Syndrome,' where men raised to seek approval from others, especially women, often end up being unhappy and unfulfilled despite their efforts to please others.
What are some typical traits of 'Nice Guys' as described in the script?
-Typical traits of 'Nice Guys' include letting partners manage everything, avoiding conflict, being overly agreeable, never saying no, suppressing their feelings, and having a hard time setting boundaries.
Why do 'Nice Guys' often resort to manipulative and controlling behavior?
-They resort to such behavior as a coping mechanism because they believe that being themselves is not acceptable, and they seek validation and approval from others to feel worthy.
What is the recommended first step in recovering from 'Nice Guy Syndrome' according to the script?
-The first step is to seek recovery with other men, not women, as it is believed that starting with the same gender can be more effective in addressing the issues related to 'Nice Guy Syndrome'.
How does childhood play a role in the development of 'Nice Guy Syndrome'?
-Childhood experiences, such as feeling abandoned or unimportant, can lead to the development of 'toxic shame,' causing individuals to hide their true selves and seek approval from others as a way to cope.
What are some strategies to help 'Nice Guys' learn to please themselves and make themselves a priority?
-Strategies include seeking self-approval, taking care of one's physical health, having alone time for self-discovery, and practicing taking responsibility for one's own needs.
How can 'Nice Guys' reclaim their personal power and masculinity?
-They can reclaim personal power by surrendering control over things they can't change, expressing their feelings, facing their fears, developing integrity, and setting boundaries.
What is the connection between masculinity and the suppression of negative male traits as described in the script?
-The script suggests that the suppression of negative male traits in an attempt to please women can also lead to the repression of positive aspects of masculinity, resulting in a loss of assertiveness, competitiveness, and leadership.
What are some ways to get the love and sex that 'Nice Guys' desire?
-To get the love and sex they desire, 'Nice Guys' should approve of themselves, set boundaries in relationships, and choose partners who are taking responsibility for their own lives.
How does the script suggest addressing sexual issues related to 'Nice Guy Syndrome'?
-The script suggests addressing sexual issues by openly discussing fears and shame about sex, learning to experience sexual pleasure without distractions such as pornography, and being clear and direct about one's sexual desires.
What final questions does the script suggest 'Nice Guys' should ask themselves about their lives?
-The script suggests asking whether the life they are creating is the one they want, and if not, identifying the fears that might be holding them back from achieving their desired life.
Outlines
🚫 Overcoming the 'Nice Guy' Syndrome
This paragraph introduces the concept of the 'Nice Guy Syndrome' as described by Dr. Robert Glover in 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'. It explains how societal changes have led to the emergence of 'nice guys'—men who seek approval and aim to please others, especially women, often at the expense of their own needs and desires. The paragraph emphasizes that this behavior is counterproductive, as it does not lead to happiness or fulfillment. It also outlines the journey of self-discovery and self-love that men need to undertake to break free from this syndrome, suggesting that recovery involves accepting one's imperfections, taking responsibility for one's needs, and learning to express feelings and set boundaries.
👶 Origins of the 'Nice Guy' Behavior
The second paragraph delves into the origins of 'nice guy' behavior, tracing it back to childhood experiences. It discusses how early dependence on caregivers and the fear of abandonment can lead to the development of 'toxic shame'. This shame causes individuals to hide their true selves and seek external validation, believing that their needs and desires are unworthy or burdensome. The paragraph suggests that overcoming this involves recognizing these childhood patterns and learning to prioritize one's own needs, taking care of oneself, and spending time in introspection to understand and accept one's true identity.
💪 Reclaiming Personal Power and Masculinity
This paragraph focuses on reclaiming personal power and masculinity, which are often suppressed in 'nice guys'. It provides six actionable steps to help individuals take control of their lives, including surrendering to what cannot be controlled, facing one's fears, developing integrity, and setting boundaries. The paragraph also addresses the societal pressures that have led to the repression of traditional masculine traits and suggests that embracing masculinity in a healthy way can provide strength, discipline, and courage. It encourages men to connect with other men, build physical strength, and find positive male role models to learn about true manhood.
❤️ Seeking Love and Sexual Fulfillment
The final paragraph discusses the challenges 'nice guys' face in seeking love and sexual fulfillment. It emphasizes the importance of self-approval and setting boundaries in relationships to create an environment of respect and intimacy. The paragraph also advises against rushing into sexual relationships before truly knowing the other person. For those struggling with sexual issues, it suggests openly discussing fears and shame, learning to experience sexual pleasure independently, and not settling for less than satisfying sexual experiences. The paragraph concludes with a call to action for individuals to face their fears, take responsibility for their desires, and pursue the life they truly want.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Nice Guy Syndrome
💡Toxic Shame
💡Personal Power
💡Masculinity
💡Approval Seeking
💡Self-Care
💡Boundaries
💡Passive-Aggressive Behavior
💡Integrity
💡Sexual Assertiveness
💡Fear of Abandonment
Highlights
Traditional family structures have changed significantly in the last five decades, leading to the emergence of 'nice guys'.
Nice guys are men who seek the approval of others, especially women, and believe they need to make others happy to be fulfilled.
Despite their nice qualities, nice guys often avoid conflict and can be manipulative and controlling to get what they want.
Recovery from 'nice guy syndrome' involves accepting oneself, including imperfections and mistakes, rather than becoming the complete opposite.
Nice guys often have difficulty setting boundaries and can become passive-aggressive due to their frustration and resentment.
The journey to recovery should start with other men, not women, as most nice guys seek approval from women.
Childhood experiences, such as feeling abandoned or shamed, can lead to the development of 'nice guy' traits.
Toxic shame, a psychological state where one believes there is something wrong with them, is a key factor in becoming a nice guy.
To recover, nice guys should stop seeking external validation and start approving of themselves.
Self-care, including exercise and healthy eating, is essential for nice guys to reclaim their personal power.
Alone time is crucial for nice guys to discover their true selves and take responsibility for their own needs.
Personal power can be reclaimed by surrendering to reality, expressing feelings, facing fears, and developing integrity.
Masculinity is not just about strength and discipline but also passion, persistence, and integrity.
Nice guys often suppress their masculinity, leading to a loss of sexual assertiveness and creativity.
To reclaim masculinity, men should connect with other men, engage in physical activities, and find healthy male role models.
Approving of oneself and setting boundaries are key to finding a fulfilling relationship.
Nice guys should avoid settling for less than good sex and learn to take responsibility for their own sexual pleasure.
Facing fears and taking responsibility for one's life is essential for nice guys to break free from their syndrome and achieve their dreams.
Transcripts
foreign
Dr Robert A Glover
No More Mr Nice Guy
a proven plan for getting what you want
in love sex and life
in the last five decades the traditional
family has changed considerably
the result is a new breed of men Dr
Glover calls them nice guys who've been
brought up believing they need the
approval of others especially women
these men are happiest when they're
making the other people happy
they avoid conflict they're peaceful and
generous and above all they want to be
different from other men
when a man demonstrates all of these
qualities in return he gets to be happy
loved and fulfilled right
unfortunately the answer to that is a
resounding no it's a complete myth
in This Blink to Dr Robert Glover's No
More Mr Nice Guy we'll explore how to
identify whether you're a so-called nice
guy and how that might have happened how
you can learn to love yourself and
regain your masculinity and finally how
to get the love and sex that you want
before we begin we publish new content
every week so be sure to subscribe to
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notified about the latest extracts our
videos can be a bit longer sometimes
because we never compromise on the
content of the book and video therefore
it's important to watch the video till
the end let's get started section one
what's a nice guy and a my one too
nice guys are everywhere
if you're listening to this chances are
that you think you're one too
typical traits of nice guys include
letting their Partners manage everything
doing anything for anyone avoiding
conflict telling people who work for
them exactly what they want to hear
avoiding rocking the boat and as a
consequence getting walked over never
saying no being dependable and reliable
suppressing their feelings the list goes
on and on but you get the picture
okay so many men have one or two of
these traits But Nice Guys well they
seem to have a considerable number but
is that such a bad thing
actually yes you see calling these men
nice guys is a bit of a misnomer they
can be anything but nice
to achieve what they want nice guys can
be dishonest secretive manipulative and
controlling
sometimes they might appear to be
generous but in reality they never give
if they don't also expect to get
they crave appreciation or some other
reciprocation in return
what's more nice guys can become passive
aggressive in their behavior venting
their frustration and resentment
and in addition to all that they also
find it difficult to set boundaries
but here's something we really should
make clear before we go much further
recovery from what Glover terms nice guy
syndrome is absolutely not about
becoming the complete opposite
it's not about not being nice anymore
it's about becoming integrated
that means accepting yourself as you are
your uniqueness assertiveness courage
passion imperfections and mistakes
it means taking responsibility for your
own needs being comfortable with your
masculinity expressing your feelings
setting those all-important boundaries
and working through conflict
put simply it means accepting your
perfect imperfection
if you're serious about breaking free
from nice guy syndrome you need to find
safe people who will help you a
therapist Therapy Group religious leader
or a close friend
Glover also says that since most nice
guys are seeking the approval of women
to be truly effective you should start
your recovery with other men not women
so before we turn to how to recover from
nice guy syndrome in the next section
we'll quickly cover how you became a
nice guy in the first place
section 2 how did I become a nice guy
Glover has spent many years working with
nice guys
his conclusion is that nice guys don't
feel that it's safe or acceptable for
them to just be who they are
they believe that being themselves is
somehow bad or even dangerous
as a consequence they become a nice guy
as a coping mechanism
but why would they believe this
well as is often the case it begins in
childhood
as babies and young children we're
entirely dependent on others to respond
to our needs promptly as a result our
greatest fear is one of abandonment
we're all pretty much egocentric at that
age too we're the center of our own
universe everything revolves around us
that generates a problem
we end up believing that we're the cause
of everything that happens around us
when we feel abandoned whether that's
when we're hungry and nobody feeds us or
cry and nobody Comforts us or worse a
parent gets angry with us neglects us
hits us or shames us our conclusion is
that we're the cause of that painful
experience
we come to believe that we can't just be
who we are there must be something wrong
with us
this psychological state has a name
toxic shame
to overcome this toxic shame we hide our
flaws we try to become what we think
others want us to be and we seek
approval from everyone around us for
doing that
and then as a consequence we expect to
get our needs met be loved and have a
great trouble-free life
but it doesn't work
so what can we do about recovering from
that
we'll find out in the next sections
section 3. how can I learn to please
myself and make myself a priority
nice guys find it impossible to believe
that anyone will like them just as they
are because of their toxic shame
so they set out on a quest
they seek approval for everything they
do
getting that approval is what to them
validates their worth
so let's look at three things you can do
today to set you on your road to
recovery
first stop seeking that external
validation
seek approval only from yourself
ask yourself questions like what do I
want does this feel right to me what
makes me happy
next take good care of yourself
do things only for you such as
exercising more eating healthy food and
making sure you get enough sleep
and third have some regular alone time
use that time to discover who you really
are and what you like about yourself
even consider going away on a retreat
somewhere nobody knows you
reflect on your life and practice taking
responsibility for your own needs
as we already mentioned nice guys always
try to meet the needs of others
they do this while trying to be low
maintenance themselves
why do they do this
well again it stems back to Childhood
issues often as a child their needs
weren't met promptly
this led them to think that they were
bad for having needs in the first place
and that it was because of their needs
that people ended up abandoning or
hurting them
this continues into adulthood
nice guys have developed survival
mechanisms in a misguided response to
this
they try to appear not to have any needs
themselves but in reality they're very
needy
this results in nice guys trying to
obtain their needs through means that
are indirect manipulative and
controlling
they even make it difficult for people
to give to them and in extreme cases to
make sure they don't get what they want
they connect with fellow needy people
and push other people away
they often revert to covert contracts to
get what they want to
these are unspoken agreements which go
along the lines of if you do this I'll
do that and we'll pretend that this
contract doesn't exist
so remember that having needs is
perfectly human
make a decision to start making your own
needs a priority
what might surprise you is that when you
do that everyone around you will benefit
too
section 4. how can I reclaim my personal
power and masculinity
personal power is the power within you
to meet problems challenges and
adversity head on
when you exhibit personal power not only
do you deal with these you actively
welcome them it's not that you're
unafraid
actually it's because you are afraid
that you have the power
you simply don't give in to your fear
so what can you do to reclaim that
personal power
here are six things you can start today
first surrender
let go of the things you can't control
personally
second
Stop Believing things about people in
situations that aren't based on reality
third Express and embrace your feelings
when you're in touch with your feelings
it makes you powerful assertive and
energized
everyone has feelings so face up to your
own and recognize that others also have
feelings
let go of the unnecessary baggage you're
carrying around with you too
then face your fears
healthy fear lets you sense Danger
nice guys on the other hand also have
memory fear which originates and you may
remember this from earlier from not
getting their needs met promptly when
they were children
stop playing it safe and face those
fears
remember that whatever happens you can
handle it
fifth develop integrity
don't rely on others or second guessing
what others would think is the right
course of action decide what you believe
to be right and do it
and finally set boundaries
don't go overboard with this only resist
as much as is necessary
remember that if someone crosses your
boundaries it's not the other person's
problem it's yours
as a nice guy up to now you've let other
people know that it's okay to violate
your boundaries
as you change and take responsibility
the behavior of those around you will
also change and as a result your
relationships will have more chance to
not only survive but grow stronger too
and what about your masculinity
as a result of the social changes which
began after World War II and which
continue to this day boys and men often
believe that they have to hide what are
considered to be negative male traits
instead they think they have to become
what they think women want them to be if
they're to be loved and have a smooth
life
the result is generations of men who've
become more and more passive
disconnected from other men disconnected
from their masculinity and dependent on
approval from women
but without her masculinity Clover
posits as a species we'd have become
extinct many eons ago
masculinity not only gives men strength
discipline and courage but also passion
persistence and integrity
unfortunately it's also associated with
bad traits such as aggression
destruction and brutality
the suppression of these negative traits
by Nice Guys in their attempt to please
women also results in the repression of
other positive aspects the result
loss of sexual assertiveness
competitiveness creativity and ego
Glover also says it leads to a loss of
leadership in the family too leaving it
solely up to women to lead instead
so how can you as Glover puts it get
your testicles back
first connect with other men do some guy
things with other guys
perhaps you could join a sports team go
to a poker night do some volunteer work
together or simply hang out
then get strong
stop filling your body with junk and get
fit through swimming weight training
martial arts or other sports that will
build your physical strength
and third find some healthy male role
models
think about what they would look like
and the traits they would have
find some men like that observe how they
behave in the world and learn about what
manhood is about
section five
how can I get the love and the sex that
I want
here's the thing you're never going to
find the perfect partner and your
relationship is never going to be
perfect either
so to help you get the love you want
here are two things that you can do to
make sure your relationship works
first approve of yourself
live your life exactly how you want
people who like you for who you are will
stick around and those who don't well
they won't
second set boundaries
when you do this you create an
atmosphere where you and your partner
can be intimate and vulnerable together
your partner feels secure and in turn
loved
boundaries will create respect between
you and your partner
and here's something for you to think
about if you're single or your
relationship has come to an end
do something different
don't choose the same kind of partner
break the nice guy cycle of picking
someone who needs help or has had bad
relationships or money problems in the
past
find someone who's taking responsibility
for their own life
and another important thing don't let
the relationship become sexual until you
really know the other person
why
because once your relationship becomes
sexual you stop learning about each
other and it becomes more difficult to
break up if you discover things about
your partner that are unacceptable to
you
and what about when it does come to sex
well almost all nice guys Glover has
worked with have had some form of
unaddressed fear and shame about being
sexual and about sexual beings
sex is where everything their toxic
shame Their Fear of Abandonment and
their Myriad dysfunctional coping
mechanisms become Amplified
the way this manifests itself includes
not getting enough having dissatisfying
sex sexual dysfunction sexual repression
or some form of sexual compulsion
and that could be a pornography
addiction peep shows cyber sex using 900
numbers or even frequenting prostitutes
so what can you do about this
the first thing to do is to get that
fear and shame out in the open where it
belongs
do not skip this step
talk about your sexuality your sexual
history and your experiences
share pornography that you find arousing
and while you do all this don't repress
your feelings whether those be shame
guilt fear or even arousal
next learn to take matters into your own
hands
literally
before you can have really passionate
fulfilling sexual experiences you must
learn to experience the Same by yourself
through healthy masturbation
and that means without pornography or
fantasizing
after all if you can't pleasure yourself
without such distractions it's likely
you won't be able to with someone else
without the need for similar
distractions
learn what feels good to you and become
responsible for your own sexual pleasure
and finally don't settle for anything
less than good sex
and that means two individuals each
taking responsibility for meeting their
own needs
so let go of the idea that you need to
be a good lover for everyone but
yourself
be clear and direct about what you want
and choose an available partner
bad sex is not better than no sex
Glover says you need to follow the
example of the bull moose
be competitive strong Fierce and
sexually proud
bull mooses are just what they are and
they do just what they want to do and
that attracts their prospective mates
we've come to the end of our blink to Dr
Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy so here's a
quick recap and some final thoughts
you've seen what constitutes a nice guy
and how childhood experiences can create
nice guy syndrome
you've also discovered what you can do
to recover from this
but now there are two final questions
you should ask yourself about your life
is the life you're creating the one you
want
and if the answer is no why not
the most probable answer to that second
question is that fear is getting in the
way
most nice guys are controlled by their
fear it's fear that stops you from
asking for the raise you deserve
it's fear that stops you from continuing
your education
it's fear that stops you from setting up
your own business it's fear that stops
you from living where you want to live
and above all it's fear that makes you
afraid of your own success
so stop settling for your current
reality and face your fears head on
chart your own life and take
responsibility for getting what you want
visualize it work at it and make your
dream your reality
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thank you baby
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