Fighting Depression and Heart Break.

Summary

In this deeply personal video, the creator shares his struggle with depression and emotional turmoil after a heart-wrenching decision to step back from a cherished relationship. He candidly discusses his coping mechanisms, such as driving and working on cars, which have been therapeutic for him. The video serves as a testament to resilience and a plea for others to find solace in their passions, even in the face of overwhelming sadness.

Takeaways

• 😔 The speaker is experiencing a deep emotional low and is struggling with depression.
• 📝 They had a script ready but decided to type one up because the topic is very personal and important to them.
• 🌅 The speaker wanted to film during daylight but due to emotional turmoil, they ended up filming after work.
• 😢 They had an emotional breakdown in the garage, crying uncontrollably and feeling physically overwhelmed.
• 🚗 Driving and working on cars is the speaker's escape and therapy, helping them to clear their head and deal with depression.
• 🚴 The speaker suggests that car enthusiasts might find solace in driving when feeling down, as it can provide mental clarity.
• 💔 The speaker has been single for a long time and recently developed strong feelings for someone who accepts them for who they are.
• 🚶‍♂️ They decided to step back from pursuing a romantic relationship with this person, prioritizing her well-being and feelings over their own.
• 🏍 After making this difficult decision, the speaker went for a fast and dangerous ride on their bike as a way to release pent-up emotions.
• 😭 Back at home, they had another emotional breakdown, crying on the garage floor, feeling scared and hurt.
• 🚗 The speaker emphasizes the importance of not giving up and continuing to drive further, as it symbolizes moving forward despite emotional pain.

Q & A

What was the speaker's emotional state during the recording of the video?

The speaker was at an emotional low point, experiencing depression and an emotional breakdown.

Why did the speaker decide to type up a script for the video?

The speaker chose to type up a script because the topic was very personal and important to them, and they wanted to ensure they conveyed their thoughts clearly.

What does the speaker consider as their form of therapy?

The speaker finds driving and working on cars therapeutic, as it gives them time to think, not think, and clear their head.

How does the speaker describe the impact of driving on their mental state?

Driving is described as an escape that helps the speaker to think, not think, and focus on something else, acting like a form of therapy.

What was the speaker's approach to dealing with their feelings of depression?

The speaker would often go for drives or work on cars as a way to cope with their feelings of depression.

What significant event happened in the speaker's personal life that they are sharing in the video?

The speaker opened up about their feelings for a particular person, their attempt to pursue a romantic relationship, and the subsequent emotional turmoil they experienced.

How did the speaker feel after making the decision to back off from pursuing a romantic relationship?

The speaker felt hurt, scared, and emotionally distraught, leading to an intense emotional breakdown.

What was the speaker's biggest fear mentioned in the video?

The speaker's biggest fear is ending up alone, as they have been single since their mid-20s and are approaching 40.

What advice does the speaker give to others who might be feeling down or depressed?

The speaker suggests taking a drive as a way to clear one's head and find some form of release or escape from negative emotions.

What was the speaker's final message or note to the viewers of the video?

The speaker's final message was one of hope and resilience, encouraging viewers to keep going and not let their personal demons win.

What minor positive note did the speaker mention at the end of the video?

The speaker mentioned ordering a rock form mount for the bike and a phone case, despite the phone being a different size than expected, as a small positive aspect to end the video on.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Emotional Struggle and the Therapeutic Power of Driving

The speaker begins by expressing the difficulty of creating the video due to their emotional state, which is at an all-time low. They have been battling depression and decided to script out their thoughts to share a topic that is deeply personal. The speaker discusses an emotional breakdown they experienced and how they find solace and therapy in driving and working on cars, which allows them to clear their head and deal with their depression. They suggest that others might find similar relief in the simple act of driving, even if they are not car enthusiasts.

05:03

💔 The Pain of Unrequited Love and Personal Growth

The speaker dives into their personal life, discussing their long-term singledom and the recent emotional turmoil caused by developing feelings for someone who may not reciprocate them. They share the story of a budding relationship that they hoped would flourish but ultimately faced the reality that it may not progress as they wished. The speaker talks about the importance of respecting the other person's feelings and boundaries, even when it causes personal heartache, and the decision to step back for the sake of the other person's well-being.

10:03

🏍️ Riding as a Coping Mechanism and the Consequences of Emotional Decisions

The speaker recounts a particularly painful day where they had to make a difficult decision regarding their romantic interest. They describe using their motorcycle as a means to cope with the emotional stress, riding aggressively as a way to release pent-up emotions. However, they acknowledge that this behavior is dangerous and not a healthy coping mechanism. The speaker reflects on the consequences of their actions and the importance of finding safer ways to deal with emotional turmoil.

15:08

😢 The Search for Happiness and the Impact of Emotional Pain

The speaker continues to grapple with feelings of sadness and loneliness, questioning why they cannot find happiness. They share their fear of being alone as they approach their 40th birthday and the struggle of letting go of the hope for a relationship that may not be the right time for both parties. The speaker emphasizes the importance of selflessness and respect for the other person's feelings, even when it means causing oneself emotional pain.

20:10

🚗 Ending on a Positive Note and the Importance of Resilience

In the final paragraph, the speaker attempts to end the video on a slightly positive note despite the emotional heaviness of the content. They share a small victory of ordering a rock form mount for their bike and a phone case, highlighting the importance of finding joy in small things even during difficult times. The speaker encourages viewers to keep going and not let their personal demons win, emphasizing the message that they are not alone in their struggles.

Keywords

💡Depression

Depression is a common mental health disorder characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities. In the video, the speaker mentions fighting depression all week, indicating a deep emotional struggle that is central to the video's theme of emotional hardship and coping mechanisms.

💡Emotional Breakdown

An emotional breakdown refers to a moment of extreme emotional distress that overwhelms an individual's ability to cope. The speaker describes having an emotional breakdown in the garage, crying uncontrollably, which illustrates the intensity of their emotional state and the video's exploration of vulnerability.

💡Therapy

Therapy, in this context, refers to the process of healing or improving by talking about one's problems. However, the speaker uses 'therapy' metaphorically to describe activities like driving and working on cars that provide mental relief, emphasizing the video's theme of self-care and personal healing.

💡Escape

Escape, in the video, is used to describe the act of seeking relief from emotional pain or stress. The speaker finds solace in driving as an escape, which is a recurring theme that highlights the importance of finding personal outlets to deal with emotional turmoil.

💡Project Cars

Project cars are vehicles that are being restored or modified by an enthusiast. The speaker mentions project cars as a form of therapy, indicating that engaging in hands-on activities can provide a sense of accomplishment and distraction from depressive thoughts.

💡Riding

Riding, in the context of the video, refers to the act of driving or operating a motorcycle. The speaker discusses riding as a means of emotional release, particularly during times of distress, which underscores the video's message about finding personal ways to cope with emotional pain.

💡Relationship

A relationship, in this video, is a romantic connection between two individuals. The speaker's narrative revolves around their desire for a meaningful relationship and the emotional turmoil that arises from unrequited feelings, which is a key element of the video's exploration of love and emotional struggle.

💡Self-Reflection

Self-reflection involves thinking deeply about one's feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. The speaker engages in self-reflection throughout the video, particularly when discussing their emotional state and actions, which is essential for understanding the video's introspective nature.

💡Emotional Clarity

Emotional clarity refers to a state of understanding and being in tune with one's emotions. The speaker seeks emotional clarity through activities like driving, which is a central theme in the video that emphasizes the journey towards self-understanding and emotional health.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the state of being open to emotional attack or harm. The speaker's openness about their emotional struggles and fears exemplifies vulnerability, which is a significant theme in the video that encourages authenticity and openness in dealing with emotional challenges.

💡Resilience

Resilience is the ability to recover quickly from difficulties. The speaker's determination to keep going and to find ways to cope with emotional pain, despite the challenges, demonstrates resilience, which is an underlying message in the video about overcoming adversity.

Highlights

The speaker is experiencing an emotionally challenging time and discusses their struggle with depression.

A script was prepared for the video to address a topic that is deeply personal and meaningful to the speaker.

The speaker had an emotional breakdown after work, crying uncontrollably in their garage due to emotional distress.

The speaker finds solace and therapeutic relief in driving and working on cars, which helps clear their mind.

The speaker suggests that driving can be a form of therapy for those who are feeling down or dealing with depression.

The speaker opens up about their personal life, including their struggle with being single and their desire for a genuine relationship.

A deep emotional connection was formed with a person who accepted the speaker for who they are, despite their quirks.

The speaker faced a difficult decision to back off from pursuing a romantic relationship to respect the other person's feelings and well-being.

The speaker's emotional turmoil led to a dangerous bike ride as a means of release and coping with their feelings.

Despite the emotional pain, the speaker acknowledges the importance of making the right choice for the sake of the other person's happiness.

The speaker reflects on their fear of being alone and the desire to find happiness, even as they approach their 40th birthday.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of not giving up and continuing to drive forward, both literally and metaphorically, in life.

The video serves as a personal testimony to reach out to others who may be feeling alone in their struggles.

The speaker ends the video on a slightly positive note, mentioning a recent purchase for their bike as a small bright spot.

The speaker apologizes for the heavy content of the video but felt compelled to share their experience to connect with others.

Transcripts

so I thought this video was going to be

really hard to make yesterday but turns

out today it's going to be even harder

because I am now pretty much

um at the lowest point emotionally I've

been in a very very very long

time um and I'm already been kind of

fighting depression all week

so um yeah I actually had a script on my

phone uh do this video with cuzz I

wanted to get it

done yesterday um but I just couldn't

get it so I decided to actually type up

a script because this is kind of a topic

that means a lot to me and that I wanted

to share and I was just going to come in

here and read it today um I wanted to do

it before work while it was Daylight up

I could have the car and frame too um

but

um you

know I had a rough night and couldn't

sleep and

I like well we'll just do it after work

well after work um I had an emotional

breakdown and I laid on the floor of my

garage I came in I took the helmet

off I threw the backpack

down and I dropped to my knees and just

cried for 20 minutes straight the light

in the you know the automatic light for

when the garage door opens and closes I

think it's set for like 15 minutes and I

I just sat there I couldn't get up I

couldn't stop crying I couldn't breathe

I was gagging on my

[Music]

own fluids that were coming out of my

body and I was scared and I was

hurt and it still a and I still will be

for a while and it's going to take a lot

of miles to recover from

this it really is and but when I mean

that I mean legitimately it's going to

take me a lot of miles riding the bike

it's going to take me a lot of miles

driving the car to get my head back

right to get my heart back right or at

least as right as it or close to right

as it was cuz it may never be the same

after this but I can get it

close driving has always been my Escape

it always will be it

works I don't know why but it

works well I know why it gives me time

to think or gives me time to not think

it gives me time to focus on something

else to clear my

head it's like therapy to me working on

cars can be that's why I've always

enjoyed having project cars because when

I'm depressed I can come out here and

Tinker even if I don't get anything done

I feel a little better um if I can solve

an issue I feel better and when things

don't go right yeah can be incredibly

frustrating and I hate myself more

because I screwed something up or I

can't figure something out eventually I

get it right and it works the way I

intend it's intended to or it's repaired

or it's fixed or I fixed my screw up um

so that's always been my therapy all

that

combined and it does great for helping

with depression it really does and I

think especially as Car Any Car

Enthusiast when they're feeling down

that's they should try it or maybe

you're already doing it and you just

haven't realized it yet so next time you

start feeling you wake up just feeling

down on yourself and you hate yourself

and all that stuff you could just take a

little bit of time out of your day to

just have a nice relaxing drive you

don't have to go drive like a maniac

down the highway or through the city or

through a back road you can just drive

normally and put them music on in a

slight volume or no music at

all and just chase the demons away or

outrun the demons you know clear your

head solve your

problems driving has always done that

for me I may have not always realized it

and I can remember the day that I did

realize it but my entire you know

driving legally

life that's what I've done to solve

problems be it mentally

or you know in my actual life how am I

going to pay for this what am I going to

do here what how am I going to do this

do I need to go look for a new job do I

need to stick where I'm at I can get in

the car and go for a drive and it really

helps me come to conclusions on these

issues that I

have but

today for the first time in a long time

I don't think it helped and I'm scared a

little bit but I know I'm going to have

to just drive a little bit

more think a little bit more clear my

head a little bit more clear my heart a

little bit

more to get over this and I let you in

on my personal life which is not

something I'm really wanting to do but I

feel like I have to it goes with this

video it's the reason I'm making this

video tonight it's helping me feel a

little better about myself even though

it's going to cause me to fight back

tears

again I have to talk about it and I have

to let you in on my personal

life I've been single for a very long

time I never necessarily dislike

it but I really do at the same time and

the problem was is that I wasn't going

to settle for anyone I was I've been

waiting for that one person to come into

my life

that one person

that accepts me for all the weirdness

all the strangeness all the

kindheartedness that I try to put out

there and try to be is just a genuine me

the me that I am

from the awkwardness to the normalness

and everything in between you know I'm

not typical by any

means there are things about me I will

never tell you

but I told her and I was open with her

and I was honest with her and she still

accepted me that's the one to

me I'm attracted to

her even though she may have things that

I don't necessarily go for I don't care

because I'm just so

mentally attracted to this

person I'm physically attracted to her

as well you know I don't see her flaws I

know she has them I know I have them I

don't see them I see right through them

I see into her you know who she is and I

just absolutely love

that and I've never felt that way about

anyone in my life not not to that point

that quickly and it's crazy but I did so

I had a little bit of confidence one day

and asked her out

and I was just so afraid of being told

no and being rejected but you know we

eventually did go out and have a meal

together and we just sat and talked and

I didn't want the night to

end I wanted to kiss her on the first

time we really kind of went out together

but I I held myself back cuz I felt like

it was wrong and it was too forward and

too pushy and you know I didn't know how

she felt about me am I more than just a

friend to her could I possibly be

cuz I really really want to be but she

has her own issues just like I have my

issues she has her own reserves and her

own hesitations and her own fears and

her

[Music]

own you know hesitations towards rushing

in anything and I was like you know what

I completely understand that take things

as slow as we have to but I'm really you

know I feel like there's more here

and this was a couple weeks

ago as we fast forward to

today you even yesterday a couple days

ago I hated how I was feeling I was

feeling

like she's not going to ever see you as

more than a friend I had dreams about

it I had dreams that made me jealous

about things that didn't actually happen

and but because of the negativity in my

mind they almost felt

real so we went out one more

time and again I just I felt so

comfortable around her

and just didn't want the night to

end

today still having those negative

thoughts that will never be more than

just friends I had to say something and

I finally got her to really open up and

say what I needed to hear so that I can

make a decision the couple days before I

told her tell me what you want me to do

you know if you want me to back off I

back off if you're want to stay the

course I stay the course what do you

want me to do and I never got an answer

but today I kind of got

something that helped me hurt

myself as stupid as that that sounds it

had to be done I had to hear it I had so

that I could make the right choice not

just for me cuz this Choice was

definitely not for me this Choice was

was 100% for her for her sake for her

well-being for what she wants I don't

care about me I don't care about what I

want I don't care about my

feelings although I do I just I don't

put them

first I had to tell her I'm sorry for

making things complicated and that I

would back off

and you know not pursue this anymore but

if she changed her mind in the very near

future to let me know because I can't do

this again I don't have it in me I

really

don't at lunchtime because this happened

all before we had need a lunch break I

got on the

bike because I knew it was coming and I

just I went for a rip I I I was riding

in excess of the speed limit for sure um

I

was riding Dangerously in a sense I I

shouldn't have been doing I shouldn't

have been riding in that state but I

needed a release I needed to get

something out of my body I had to get

some kind of

release as I'm accelerating pinned in

second and third gear I'm screaming into

my

helmet I felt it it didn't feel good but

it I felt

something I get back to work I parked

the bike and it took me 15 minutes to

get off of it because I was just laying

there head down on the tank

sobbing legitimately crying over what I

had to do over the decision I had to

make because it was the right choice to

make as hard as it was I pulled myself

back together I managed to walk in

without drawing too many red flags I

hope woring too many people and I had

some time left and I went outside and I

smoked in one more

cigarette and I sat there fighting back

tears again and just questioning myself

why did I put myself in this situation

why did I do this to myself you knew

this was probably going to happen

and for the next you know 3 or 4

hours that's all I did was fight back

tears try not to show the emotions to

people don't they you know they can tell

I'm hurt they can tell something's wrong

they can tell I'm struggling they left

me alone and I'm very grateful for that

because I couldn't talk one person asked

me something who I kind of let in a few

days ago of how I felt and what was

going on in my life because I needed

somebody else's opinion

she kept it brief and I didn't have to

actually talk

but it just I had to fight back to tears

the whole time so I get on the bike and

I couldn't decide to go you know it's

time to go home and

again that aggression riding that riding

angrily I start doing it again

I know I shouldn't be doing it it's not

smart to ride like

that especially on a bike you can kind

of get away with it in a car sometimes

but it's a lot more dangerous on the

bike and I wasn't getting that escape I

wasn't getting

that I wasn't getting that mental

Clarity or that I'm solving issues or

solving

problems that's the second ride in a row

that that's s

but I'm it's still pretty fresh to me

I'm still pretty hurt so it's probably

not going to show much results but at

least I'm able

to do something you know to to kind of

express how I feel even though I just

look like an [ __ ] going down the

street inside that helmet I'm yelling in

my helmet asking myself

why I get home open the garage door pull

the bike in

take the helmet

off set it up here on the tire stack

where I always put it and I drop my bag

my backpack drop it right in front of

the bike and I drop to my

knees I just I lose it just emotionally

lose it and I cry on the floor for 20

minutes next to the

bike just a a w a Non-Stop cry at I

can't breathe I'm choking on my own

spit I'm I'm scared and I'm

hurt and I'm wondering you know why

can't I be

happy why

me and I know I'm not the only one to

ever go through this in life and I think

that's why I'm talking about it because

I know there might be another person

watching this video who feels the same

way

but it's just so

hard my biggest fear in the world is to

dial

on I'll be 40 next

month I've been single since my you know

mid 20s that's how long it's been since

I've been in an actual

relationship and I wanted to try one

more time because I thought I found the

one and maybe I did maybe she is the

one but sometimes as hard as it is to

say

this it's not the one at the right

time it might be the right time for me

but it's not the right time for

them and because

I'm open-minded enough to respect that

and because I care so much about them I

respect

that I have to do things that I don't

want to do and I can't be selfish as

much as I want to be it's not going to

help anything it's not going to solve

anything it's not going to change their

opinion in a positive way if anything

it'll change it in a negative way by

being selfish and continuing to try to

to push your emotions and feelings onto

someone hoping that they respond the

same

way so it's back to just driving to

solve these problems to get these

thoughts out of my head I'm not worried

about hurting myself right now or even

in the future

because I hurt myself enough emotionally

today by doing the right

thing there's no way I can do anything

worse to myself

and I

love being able to just drive it's one

of the things that's kept me grounded

for so long is just being on to drive

and see things and it's the one thing in

my life that I can have some control

over and I don't want to lose that

either and have no control over anything

so I'm going to keep putting the miles

on the car I'm going to keep putting the

miles on the bike

it was 50° on the way home from work

today all I had was a kind of a you know

thin jacket I was hot by the time I got

home because of the emotions and the

stress and the

heartache and the I was

hot I should have been

freezing but

I don't know I I don't know how to end

this

video other than just asking you you

know to not do anything stupid if you

find yourself in a similar

situation to just drive a little further

maybe will find something around the

corner maybe we'll find that

release there there's happiness out

there there got to be

maybe I'll only have it small doses at a

time

but for once in my

life and I told her

this a couple days

ago I don't care what

happens what with her what she decides

what she

wants it's if it's that negative it's

it's it's okay if it's not what I want

to hear it's

okay because there were a couple moments

that we spent

together that I felt

human I haven't felt that in a very long

time and I'll always appreciate that

I'm sorry if I brought you down but um

thanks for listening to me if you made

it all the way through if you turn it

off and fast forward towards the end to

hear me

SOB you know I don't blame you either

this is a kind of a downer video um but

I had to make it and I had to get

through it and I had to just

talk you don't even have to comment on

it you don't have to like it you don't

to share

it it could get 20 views it could get

five views it could get one

View and that's enough for me because I

put it out there for anyone to see

anyone to hear anyone to listen to

anyone to

relate it's really not what YouTube is

for is

it

but it's it's going to be out there and

I hope

honestly and this is the biggest reason

I'm doing this video and I put some of

my personal life out there for you to

hear for you know maybe understand where

I'm at right now

um I wanted to just maybe reach one

person and help

them you're not

alone even though you feel

alone there are lots of us out there

that suffer the same fate I go through

the same

[ __ ] and we can't let those demons win

we just have to keep going

and you just got to keep driving a

little

further because I do want to end this on

somewhat of a positive note and it is

going to be the stupidest positive note

that I can possibly add to this video

because it didn't go

great yes this is how kind of how my day

started I did get and oh I did order uh

the rock form mount for the bike

um yeah I've got it mounted I also

ordered a phone case but it turns out um

the Samsung Galaxy 23 f is bigger than

or a different size than all the other

galaxies and I did not know that so um I

have to I ordered a just a generic case

off of Amazon and a universal adapter so

hopefully I can melt my phone to the

bike um tomorrow

uh but um there there's some a bit of a

bit just a tiny bit of positive to end

on this video I'm so sorry that I had to

make this but I just felt like I had to

make it thank you so much if you watched

all the way through goodbye