How changing your story can change your life | Lori Gottlieb | TED

Summary

In this insightful script, a therapist and advice columnist dives into the complexities of personal narratives, exploring how our stories shape our lives. Through the lens of a marriage in crisis, the speaker illustrates the power of editing our stories to alter our realities, emphasizing the importance of perspective and the courage to change. The talk encourages self-reflection, urging listeners to consider the stories they tell themselves and to embrace the freedom to revise them for a more fulfilling life.

Takeaways

• 📧 The speaker is a therapist who also writes an advice column, receiving personal letters from people worldwide with various issues.
• 💌 The speaker discusses the complexity of personal narratives, emphasizing that everyone is an unreliable narrator of their own life due to selective storytelling.
• 🤔 The speaker highlights the importance of considering multiple perspectives in a situation, as the truth often lies beyond a single person's story.
• 📚 Jerome Bruner's concept is mentioned, stating that storytelling inherently involves taking a moral stance, which influences how we perceive events.
• 🔄 The speaker argues that the way we narrate our lives has the power to shape our reality, suggesting that changing our stories can lead to changing our lives.
• ✂️ The speaker compares their role to an editor, helping people to revise their life stories to find clarity and new possibilities.
• 🔑 Two central themes in people's stories are identified: freedom and change, which often revolve around feeling trapped or desiring change without taking responsibility for it.
• 🕊️ Freedom is depicted as something that people feel they lack in the face of problems, despite often having more options than they realize.
• 🛠️ Change is portrayed as challenging because it involves loss and stepping into the unknown, but it's essential for personal growth and breaking free from old patterns.
• 👥 The speaker uses examples from letters to illustrate how different narrators can have vastly different perspectives on the same situation, affecting how they experience and respond to events.
• ✍️ The speaker encourages the audience to edit their own stories, considering alternative viewpoints and being open to the revisions that can lead to a more fulfilling life.

Q & A

What is the profession of the speaker in the script?

The speaker is a therapist and also writes an advice column called 'Dear Therapist'.

What is the name of the folder where the speaker keeps the personal letters received?

The speaker keeps the personal letters in a folder named 'The Problems of Living' on their laptop.

What is the main issue described by the woman in the first letter read by the speaker?

The main issue is that the woman's husband has been having secretive late-night phone calls with a woman from his office, leading her to suspect an affair and causing her emotional distress.

Why does the speaker compare themselves to an editor when talking about their role as a therapist?

The speaker compares themselves to an editor because their job involves helping people revise and edit the narratives of their lives, which can lead to positive changes.

What are the two key themes the speaker identifies in most people's stories?

The two key themes are freedom and change.

What does the speaker mean by 'idiot compassion'?

'Idiot compassion' refers to the act of going along with someone's story and agreeing with them without challenging potentially flawed perspectives or behaviors.

What is the term the speaker uses for the habit of giving advice outside one's knowledge or competence?

The term is 'ultracrepidarianism'.

What is the main message the speaker wants to convey about the power of storytelling in our lives?

The main message is that the way we narrate our lives has the power to shape our reality, and by changing our stories, we can change our lives.

What does the speaker suggest as a method to gain perspective on our own stories?

The speaker suggests writing our stories from another person's point of view to gain a wider and more nuanced perspective.

What is the significance of the speaker mentioning that 'we're all going to die'?

The significance is to remind people to take control of their life stories while they are still alive, shaping their narratives to be more heroic and less like victims.

How does the speaker describe the process of editing one's life story?

The speaker describes it as a process of self-reflection and revision, where one identifies and challenges the supporting characters and plot points that may be upholding a negative or limiting narrative.

Outlines

00:00

📧 Therapist's Inbox: Unreliable Narratives

The speaker, a therapist and advice columnist, introduces the audience to their unique perspective on personal narratives, gained from reading thousands of letters from individuals worldwide. These letters, ranging from heartbreak to family disputes, are stored under 'The Problems of Living.' The speaker shares a specific letter about a woman dealing with her husband's potential infidelity and the emotional turmoil it brings, highlighting the challenge of being an unreliable narrator of one's own life. The therapist emphasizes the importance of understanding that every story has multiple versions and that our personal narratives can significantly influence our lives, for better or worse.

05:01

🔑 Editing Our Stories for Freedom and Change

The speaker delves into the themes of freedom and change that frequently emerge in their role as a therapist. People often feel trapped by their circumstances, yet they may not realize the extent of their freedom. The speaker uses the metaphor of a prisoner shaking bars that are not there to illustrate this illusion of confinement. They also discuss the resistance to change, as it involves loss and stepping into the unknown. The therapist's role is likened to an editor, helping individuals to revise their narratives and offering tools for self-editing. The goal is to enable people to recognize and alter unhelpful personal stories, thereby changing their lives.

10:01

🤔 The Power of Perspective in Personal Narratives

The speaker explores the power of perspective in shaping our stories, using a husband's letter as an example of how the same situation can be viewed so differently by different people. The husband's letter contrasts with the wife's initial letter, revealing a disconnect in their understanding of each other's experiences. The speaker encourages the audience to consider the supporting characters in their stories and the potential for 'idiot compassion,' which reinforces unhelpful narratives. They advocate for 'wise compassion' and the delivery of 'compassionate truth bombs,' which help individuals see beyond their limited viewpoints.

15:01

📚 Writing Our Own Life Stories

In the final paragraph, the speaker reflects on the inevitability of our life stories being written, whether by ourselves or by others after we're gone. They encourage the audience to take control of their narratives, to edit out the parts that don't serve them well, and to embrace the freedom that comes with responsibility. The speaker uses humor to illustrate the point that life is too short to be stuck in a narrative of misery and that we should aim for a Pulitzer Prize-winning story of our lives. The talk concludes with a call to action for the audience to use their editing tools to craft their own masterpieces.

Keywords

💡Therapist

A therapist is a trained professional who helps individuals explore and address their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors within a confidential and supportive environment. In the video, the speaker is a therapist who also writes an advice column, emphasizing the importance of understanding different perspectives in personal narratives and the role of a therapist in guiding individuals to edit their life stories.

💡Infidelity

Infidelity refers to a breach of trust or loyalty, typically in a committed relationship, where one partner engages in a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than their spouse or partner. The video discusses the emotional impact of suspected infidelity on a woman who is considering the consequences of her husband's secret communications with a colleague.

💡Unreliable Narrator

An unreliable narrator is a storytelling device where the narrator presents a biased or incorrect version of events, often due to their personal perspective or lack of awareness. The speaker mentions that everyone is an unreliable narrator of their own lives, which underscores the importance of considering multiple viewpoints and self-reflection to achieve a more accurate understanding of one's experiences.

💡Freedom

Freedom, in the context of the video, refers to the perceived ability to make choices and take control of one's life. The speaker discusses how people often feel trapped by their circumstances and narratives, yet they have more freedom than they acknowledge. The concept is explored through the metaphor of a prisoner who doesn't realize the jail cell is open, symbolizing the internal barriers that prevent individuals from recognizing their freedom.

💡Change

Change is the process of becoming different or undergoing a transformation. The video emphasizes the difficulty and importance of change, as it involves stepping out of comfort zones and familiar patterns. The speaker encourages embracing change as a means to revise and improve one's life story, highlighting that change can lead to growth and new opportunities.

💡Narrative

A narrative is a story or account of events and experiences, often constructed from a personal perspective. The video's theme revolves around the power of narratives in shaping our understanding of life events. The speaker uses the term to discuss how the way people tell their life stories can either limit or empower them.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. In the video, the speaker mentions having empathy for the individuals who write to her, recognizing the pain and complexity of their situations. Empathy is crucial for the speaker as she navigates the advice she provides, ensuring that it is grounded in understanding and compassion.

💡Idiot Compassion

Idiot compassion, as described in the video, is the act of agreeing with someone's negative narrative without challenging it, often out of a desire to be supportive. The speaker contrasts this with 'wise compassion,' which involves offering truthful and constructive feedback to help individuals see beyond their limited perspectives.

💡Perspective

Perspective refers to a particular way of regarding something or someone; a point of view. The video discusses the importance of considering multiple perspectives in understanding and resolving personal issues. The speaker uses the example of a couple's conflicting narratives to illustrate how shifting perspectives can lead to a more nuanced understanding and potential resolution.

💡Editing

In the context of the video, editing is a metaphor for the process of revising and refining one's life story. The speaker, as a 'therapeutic editor,' guides individuals in identifying and altering unhelpful or inaccurate aspects of their narratives. Editing is presented as a tool for personal growth, enabling individuals to create more empowering and accurate stories about their lives.

💡Obituary

An obituary is a written account of a person's life, typically published in a newspaper after their death. The speaker uses the concept of an obituary to emphasize the importance of actively shaping one's life story while alive, rather than leaving it to others to define after death. This serves as a powerful reminder of the agency individuals have over their personal narratives.

Highlights

The speaker is a therapist and advice columnist who receives personal letters from all over the world.

The speaker keeps these letters in a folder named 'The Problems of Living'.

A letter is read about a woman whose husband's behavior has changed, leading to suspicion of infidelity.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding that every story has another side.

The concept of being an unreliable narrator of our own lives is introduced.

Stories are a way for us to make sense of our lives, but they can also be misleading or incomplete.

The way we narrate our lives can shape what they become, which is both dangerous and powerful.

The speaker likens their role as a therapist to that of an editor, helping people to edit their life stories.

The themes of freedom and change are common in the stories people tell themselves.

Freedom comes with responsibility, which can be daunting and lead to a reluctance to change.

Change involves loss, even when the change is positive, because it means letting go of the familiar.

Editing our stories can make writing the next chapter of our lives easier.

The speaker suggests that part of self-knowledge is to 'unknow' ourselves and let go of old stories.

The speaker confesses to having written a second letter from the husband's perspective to illustrate different viewpoints.

The importance of considering other perspectives in our stories is highlighted.

The speaker encourages the audience to edit their own stories to find a more nuanced and empowering narrative.

The concept of 'help-rejecting complainers' is introduced to describe those who resist changing their stories.

The speaker uses the reminder of mortality to encourage people to shape their life stories positively.

The talk concludes with an encouragement to use editing tools to write one's own life story as a masterpiece.

Transcripts

I'm going to start by telling you about an email

that I saw in my inbox recently.

Now, I have a pretty unusual inbox

because I'm a therapist

and I write an advice column called "Dear Therapist,"

so you can imagine what's in there.

I mean, I've read thousands of very personal letters

from strangers all over the world.

And these letters range from heartbreak and loss,

to spats with parents or siblings.

I keep them in a folder on my laptop,

and I've named it "The Problems of Living."

So, I get this email, I get lots of emails just like this,

and I want to bring you into my world for a second

and read you one of these letters.

And here's how it goes.

"Dear Therapist,

I've been married for 10 years

and things were good until a couple of years ago.

That's when my husband stopped wanting to have sex as much,

and now we barely have sex at all."

I'm sure you guys were not expecting this.

(Laughter)

"Well, last night I discovered that for the past few months,

he's been secretly having long, late-night phone calls

with a woman at his office.

I googled her, and she's gorgeous.

I can't believe this is happening.

My father had an affair with a coworker when I was young

and it broke our family apart.

Needless to say, I'm devastated.

If I stay in this marriage,

I'll never be able to trust my husband again.

But I don't want to put our kids through a divorce,

stepmom situation, etc.

What should I do?"

Well, what do you think she should do?

If you got this letter,

you might be thinking about how painful infidelity is.

Or maybe about how especially painful it is here

because of her experience growing up with her father.

And like me, you'd probably have some empathy for this woman,

and you might even have some,

how should I put this nicely,

let's just call them "not-so-positive" feelings for her husband.

Now, those are the kinds of things that go through my mind too,

when I'm reading these letters in my inbox.

But I have to be really careful when I respond to these letters

because I know that every letter I get is actually just a story

written by a specific author.

And that another version of this story also exists.

It always does.

And I know this

because if I've learned anything as a therapist,

it's that we are all unreliable narrators of our own lives.

I am.

You are.

And so is everyone you know.

Which I probably shouldn't have told you

because now you're not going to believe my TED Talk.

Look, I don't mean that we purposely mislead.

Most of what people tell me is absolutely true,

just from their current points of view.

Depending on what they emphasize or minimize,

what they leave in, what they leave out,

what they see and want me to see,

they tell their stories in a particular way.

The psychologist Jerome Bruner described this beautifully -- he said,

"To tell a story is, inescapably, to take a moral stance."

All of us walk around with stories about our lives.

Why choices were made, why things went wrong,

why we treated someone a certain way --

because obviously, they deserved it --

why someone treated us a certain way --

even though, obviously, we didn't.

Stories are the way we make sense of our lives.

But what happens when the stories we tell

are misleading or incomplete or just wrong?

Well, instead of providing clarity,

these stories keep us stuck.

We assume that our circumstances shape our stories.

But what I found time and again in my work

is that the exact opposite happens.

The way we narrate our lives shapes what they become.

That's the danger of our stories,

because they can really mess us up,

but it's also their power.

Because what it means is that if we can change our stories,

then we can change our lives.

And today, I want to show you how.

Now, I told you I'm a therapist,

and I really am, I'm not being an unreliable narrator.

But if I'm, let's say, on an airplane,

and someone asks what I do,

I usually say I'm an editor.

And I say that partly because if I say I'm a therapist,

I always get some awkward response, like,

"Oh, a therapist.

Are you going to psychoanalyze me?"

And I'm thinking, "A : no,

and B: why would I do that here?

If I said I was a gynecologist,

would you ask if I were about to give you a pelvic exam?"

(Laughter)

But the main reason I say I'm an editor

is because it's true.

Now, it's the job of all therapists to help people edit,

but what's interesting about my specific role as Dear Therapist

is that when I edit, I'm not just editing for one person.

I'm trying to teach a whole group of readers how to edit,

using one letter each week as the example.

So I'm thinking about things like,

"What material is extraneous?"

"Is the protagonist moving forward or going in circles,

are the supporting characters important or are they a distraction?"

"Do the plot points reveal a theme?"

And what I've noticed

is that most people's stories tend to circle around two key themes.

The first is freedom,

and the second is change.

And when I edit,

those are the themes that I start with.

So, let's take a look at freedom for a second.

Our stories about freedom go like this:

we believe, in general,

that we have an enormous amount of freedom.

Except when it comes to the problem at hand,

in which case, suddenly, we feel like we have none.

Many of our stories are about feeling trapped, right?

We feel imprisoned by our families, our jobs,

our relationships, our pasts.

Sometimes, we even imprison ourselves with a narrative of self-flagellation --

I know you guys all know these stories.

The "everyone's life is better than mine" story,

courtesy of social media.

The "I'm an impostor" story, the "I'm unlovable" story,

the "nothing will ever work out for me" story.

The "when I say, 'Hey, Siri, ' and she doesn't answer,

that means she hates me" story.

I see you, see, I'm not the only one.

The woman who wrote me that letter,

she also feels trapped.

If she stays with her husband, she'll never trust him again,

but if she leaves, her children will suffer.

Now, there's a cartoon that I think is a perfect example

of what's really going on in these stories.

The cartoon shows a prisoner shaking the bars,

desperately trying to get out.

But on the right and the left, it's open.

No bars.

The prisoner isn't in jail.

That's most of us.

We feel completely trapped,

stuck in our emotional jail cells.

But we don't walk around the bars to freedom

because we know there's a catch.

Freedom comes with responsibility.

And if we take responsibility for our role in the story,

we might just have to change.

And that's the other common theme that I see in our stories: change.

Those stories sound like this:

a person says, "I want to change."

But what they really mean is,

"I want another character in the story to change."

Therapists describe this dilemma as:

"If the queen had balls, she'd be the king."

I mean --

(Laughter)

It makes no sense, right?

Why wouldn't we want the protagonist,

who's the hero of the story, to change?

Well, it might be because change,

even really positive change,

involves a surprising amount of loss.

Loss of the familiar.

Even if the familiar is unpleasant or utterly miserable,

at least we know the characters and setting and plot,

right down to the recurring dialogue in this story.

"You never do the laundry!"

"I did it last time!"

"Oh, yeah? When?"

There's something oddly comforting

about knowing exactly how the story is going to go

every single time.

To write a new chapter is to venture into the unknown.

It's to stare at a blank page.

And as any writer will tell you,

there's nothing more terrifying than a blank page.

But here's the thing.

Once we edit our story,

the next chapter becomes much easier to write.

We talk so much in our culture about getting to know ourselves.

But part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself.

To let go of the one version of the story you've been telling yourself

so that you can live your life,

and not the story that you've been telling yourself

about your life.

And that's how we walk around those bars.

So I want to go back to the letter from the woman, about the affair.

She asked me what she should do.

Now, I have this word taped up in my office:

ultracrepidarianism.

The habit of giving advice or opinions outside of one's knowledge or competence.

It's a great word, right?

You can use it in all different contexts,

I'm sure you will be using it after this TED Talk.

I use it because it reminds me that as a therapist,

I can help people to sort out what they want to do,

but I can't make their life choices for them.

Only you can write your story,

and all you need are some tools.

So what I want to do

is I want to edit this woman's letter together, right here,

as a way to show how we can all revise our stories.

And I want to start by asking you

to think of a story that you're telling yourself right now

that might not be serving you well.

It might be about a circumstance you're experiencing,

it might be about a person in your life,

it might even be about yourself.

And I want you to look at the supporting characters.

Who are the people who are helping you

to uphold the wrong version of this story?

For instance, if the woman who wrote me that letter

told her friends what happened,

they would probably offer her what's called "idiot compassion."

Now, in idiot compassion, we go along with the story,

we say, "You're right, that's so unfair,"

when a friend tells us that he didn't get the promotion he wanted,

even though we know this has happened several times before

because he doesn't really put in the effort,

and he probably also steals office supplies.

(Laughter)

We say, "Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk,"

when a friend tells us that her boyfriend broke up with her,

even though we know that there are certain ways

she tends to behave in relationships,

like the incessant texting or the going through his drawers,

that tend to lead to this outcome.

We see the problem, it's like,

if a fight breaks out in every bar you're going to,

it might be you.

(Laughter)

In order to be good editors, we need to offer wise compassion,

not just to our friends, but to ourselves.

This is what's called -- I think the technical term might be --

"delivering compassionate truth bombs."

And these truth bombs are compassionate,

because they help us to see what we've left out of the story.

The truth is,

we don't know if this woman's husband is having an affair,

or why their sex life changed two years ago,

or what those late-night phone calls are really about.

And it might be that because of her history,

she's writing a singular story of betrayal,

but there's probably something else

that she's not willing to let me, in her letter,

or maybe even herself, to see.

It's like that guy who's taking a Rorschach test.

You all know what Rorschach tests are?

A psychologist shows you some ink blots, they look like that,

and asks, "What do you see?"

So the guy looks at his ink blot and he says,

"Well, I definitely don't see blood."

And the examiner says,

"Alright, tell me what else you definitely don't see."

In writing, this is called point of view.

What is the narrator not willing to see?

So, I want to read you one more letter.

And it goes like this.

"Dear Therapist,

I need help with my wife.

Lately, everything I do irritates her,

even small things, like the noise I make when I chew.

At breakfast,

I noticed that she even tries to secretly put extra milk in my granola

so it won't be as crunchy."

(Laughter)

"I feel like she became critical of me after my father died two years ago.

I was very close with him,

and her father left when she was young,

so she couldn't relate to what I was going through.

There's a friend at work whose father died a few months ago,

and who understands my grief.

I wish I could talk to my wife like I talk to my friend,

but I feel like she barely tolerates me now.

How can I get my wife back?"

OK.

So, what you probably picked up on

is that this is the same story I read you earlier,

just told from another narrator's point of view.

Her story was about a husband who's cheating,

his story is about a wife who can't understand his grief.

But what's remarkable, is that for all of their differences,

what both of these stories are about is a longing for connection.

And if we can get out of the first-person narration

and write the story from another character's perspective,

suddenly that other character becomes much more sympathetic,

and the plot opens up.

That's the hardest step in the editing process,

but it's also where change begins.

What would happen if you looked at your story

and wrote it from another person's point of view?

What would you see now from this wider perspective?

That's why, when I see people who are depressed,

I sometimes say,

"You are not the best person to talk to you about you right now,"

because depression distorts our stories in a very particular way.

It narrows our perspectives.

The same is true when we feel lonely or hurt or rejected.

We create all kinds of stories,

distorted through a very narrow lens

that we don't even know we're looking through.

And then, we've effectively become our own fake-news broadcasters.

I have a confession to make.

I wrote the husband's version of the letter I read you.

You have no idea how much time I spent

debating between granola and pita chips, by the way.

I wrote it based on all of the alternative narratives

that I've seen over the years,

not just in my therapy practice, but also in my column.

When it's happened

that two people involved in the same situation

have written to me, unbeknownst to the other,

and I have two versions of the same story

sitting in my inbox.

That really has happened.

I don't know what the other version of this woman's letter is,

but I do know this:

she has to write it.

Because with a courageous edit,

she'll write a much more nuanced version of her letter that she wrote to me.

Even if her husband is having an affair of any kind --

and maybe he is --

she doesn't need to know what the plot is yet.

Because just by virtue of doing an edit,

she'll have so many more possibilities for what the plot can become.

Now, sometimes it happens that I see people who are really stuck,

and they're really invested in their stuckness.

We call them help-rejecting complainers.

I'm sure you know people like this.

They're the people who, when you try to offer them a suggestion,

they reject it with, "Yeah, no, that will never work, because ..."

"Yeah, no, that's impossible, because I can't do that."

"Yeah, I really want more friends, but people are just so annoying."

(Laughter)

What they're really rejecting

is an edit to their story of misery and stuckness.

And so, with these people, I usually take a different approach.

And what I do is I say something else.

I say to them,

"We're all going to die."

I bet you're really glad I'm not your therapist right now.

Because they look back at me

the way you're looking back at me right now,

with this look of utter confusion.

But then I explain that there's a story

that gets written about all of us, eventually.

It's called an obituary.

And I say that instead of being authors of our own unhappiness,

we get to shape these stories while we're still alive.

We get to be the hero and not the victim in our stories,

we get to choose what goes on the page that lives in our minds

and shapes our realities.

I tell them that life is about deciding which stories to listen to

and which ones need an edit.

And that it's worth the effort to go through a revision

because there's nothing more important to the quality of our lives

than the stories we tell ourselves about them.

I say that when it comes to the stories of our lives,

we should be aiming for our own personal Pulitzer Prize.

Now, most of us aren't help-rejecting complainers,

or at least we don't believe we are.

But it's a role that is so easy to slip into

when we feel anxious or angry or vulnerable.

So the next time you're struggling with something,

remember,

we're all going to die.

(Laughter)

And then pull out your editing tools

and ask yourself:

what do I want my story to be?

And then, go write your masterpiece.

Thank you.

(Applause)