Autistic masking: a dangerous survival mechanism | Leah Reinardy | TEDxHopeCollege

Summary

The speaker, an autistic individual, shares their experience with 'masking'—the act of mimicking neurotypical behaviors to fit in. They recount the emotional toll of this constant performance, leading to mental health struggles and a loss of identity. The narrative highlights the importance of authenticity and the journey of unmasking, embracing their true self despite societal pressures and the challenges faced by the autistic community.

Takeaways

• 🤝 The speaker has a protocol for meeting new people, which involves scanning the environment and engaging in small talk, often with humor and personal anecdotes.
• 🧠 The speaker, being autistic, explains that a significant portion of their brain power is dedicated to navigating social interactions and understanding nonverbal cues.
• 🌟 The concept of 'social scripting' is introduced as a learned skill that the speaker developed over 21 years through trial and error.
• 😢 The speaker's childhood experiences with misunderstanding and being labeled as 'wrong' or 'abnormal' led to feelings of inferiority and a drive to 'fit in'.
• 🔍 The speaker's 'special interest' in TV show 'Survivor' and music helped them analyze and mimic social behaviors, contributing to their fluency in neurotypical interactions.
• 🎭 The speaker discusses the concept of 'masking' as a survival mechanism, where they adopt a persona to appear neurotypical and avoid negative perceptions.
• 💔 Masking comes with a high emotional cost, leading to mental health struggles, including therapy, antidepressants, and multiple suicide attempts.
• 🏥 The speaker's experiences in psychiatric hospitals were both traumatic and transformative, providing moments of connection and self-realization.
• 🚫 The fear of unmasking and the potential consequences, such as unemployment or increased risk of assault, highlights the challenges faced by autistic individuals.
• 🌈 The speaker's journey towards unmasking and embracing their authentic self is ongoing and involves learning to navigate the world without the safety of their 'mask'.
• 🤔 The speaker challenges both neurotypical and autistic individuals to consider how they can better understand and support each other, fostering a more inclusive society.

Q & A

What is the 'meeting a new person protocol' the speaker describes at the beginning of the script?

The 'meeting a new person protocol' refers to the speaker's systematic approach to initiating small talk, which includes scanning the environment, making a remark about the weather, telling a joke, and eventually sharing personal information about being autistic.

What does the term 'social scripting' mean in the context of the speaker's experience?

Social scripting is the process the speaker used to learn social interactions by observing, mimicking, and practicing behaviors that are considered 'normal' in society, especially since they are autistic and find social cues challenging.

Why did the speaker feel the need to 'mask' their true self?

The speaker felt the need to 'mask' their true self to fit in with neurotypical individuals and to avoid being seen as inferior or unacceptable due to their autistic traits.

What is the significance of the TV show 'Survivor' in the speaker's life?

The TV show 'Survivor' was the speaker's first special interest, which they used to study social dynamics, such as tribal alliances and mannerisms, to better understand and mimic social behaviors.

What challenges did the speaker face in their school years due to their autism?

The speaker faced challenges such as misunderstanding from others, being labeled as 'wrong' or 'broken', and the pressure to conform to neurotypical behaviors, which led to feelings of inferiority and a cycle of self-destruction.

How did the speaker's experience with psychiatric hospitalization impact their life?

Psychiatric hospitalization was traumatic for the speaker, exacerbating feelings of isolation and the need to mask even more to avoid being perceived as incompetent or unprofessional.

What is the term 'special interest' in the context of autism?

A 'special interest' in the context of autism refers to a specific topic or area that an autistic individual becomes deeply fascinated with and often uses as a means to understand and navigate the world.

Why did the speaker attempt suicide for the first time at the age of 11?

The speaker attempted suicide due to the overwhelming pressure of maintaining their mask, the fear of being perceived as 'wrong', and the emotional toll of constantly performing to fit in.

What was the turning point for the speaker in deciding to stop masking?

The turning point was a near-death experience with a blood clot and pulmonary embolism, which led the speaker to commit to being true to themselves and not masking their identity.

What message does the speaker have for their neurotypical friends and the audience?

The speaker encourages neurotypical individuals to listen and observe more, to empower neurodivergent individuals, and to create spaces for intersectional autistic experiences. They also challenge autistic individuals to open up to the world, despite the fear and vulnerability involved.

What is the main takeaway from the speaker's story about their experience with masking?

The main takeaway is that while masking can be a survival mechanism for autistic individuals, it is exhausting and can lead to a loss of identity. The speaker advocates for authenticity and the importance of being true to oneself, despite societal pressures.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Autistic Social Scripting Journey

The speaker introduces their experience as an autistic individual, detailing the process of 'meeting a new person protocol' and the mental effort involved in social interactions. They explain the concept of 'small talk' and the struggle to fit in by observing and mimicking neurotypical behaviors. The speaker shares their personal journey of learning social scripting through trial and error, and the emotional toll it took, leading to feelings of inferiority and the first attempt at suicide at a young age. This paragraph sets the stage for the challenges faced by autistic individuals in navigating social norms and expectations.

05:01

🎭 The Mask of Normalcy and Its Consequences

The narrative continues with the speaker's experience of 'masking' – the act of suppressing their autistic traits to appear neurotypical. They discuss the pressures of maintaining this facade, which led to mental health issues, including therapy, antidepressants, and multiple suicide attempts. The speaker highlights the high rates of suicide attempts and psychiatric hospitalizations among autistic individuals, emphasizing the traumatic nature of these experiences due to communication barriers. The paragraph concludes with a commitment to mask even more after a particularly distressing hospitalization, underscoring the fear of unmasking and the potential repercussions.

10:04

🌉 The Bridge of Self-Acceptance and Advocacy

In this paragraph, the speaker recounts their journey towards self-acceptance and advocacy. They describe the process of unmasking and the initial struggle with identity and personality loss due to years of masking. The speaker found empowerment through connecting with other autistic advocates, learning from their stories, and gradually becoming an advocate themselves. They acknowledge the ongoing challenges, including the difficulty of speaking and feeling separated in conversations, and the reality that their life is not a story of simple overcoming. The paragraph ends with a call to action for neurotypical individuals to listen and observe more, and to empower neurodivergent people in various aspects of life.

15:07

💪 Embracing Vulnerability and the Call for Support

The final paragraph is a heartfelt message of pride and encouragement for the speaker's autistic peers and a reflection on the importance of vulnerability. The speaker challenges their fellow autistic individuals to open up to the world, starting with safe spaces and gradually expanding outward. They acknowledge the fear and bravery involved in unmasking and choosing life daily. The speaker also addresses their younger self, offering reassurance and strength. The paragraph concludes with a plea for the world to recognize and appreciate the authentic contributions of autistic individuals and a reminder that they are needed for their unique ways of interacting with the world.

Keywords

💡Autism

Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by challenges with social skills, repetitive behaviors, speech and nonverbal communication. In the script, the speaker describes their experiences as an autistic individual, highlighting the social scripting and challenges they face in navigating neurotypical social interactions.

💡Small Talk

Small talk refers to casual, polite conversation on topics of little importance, often used to initiate or maintain social interactions. The script describes the speaker's approach to small talk as part of their social scripting protocol, illustrating the effort it takes for them to engage in what neurotypical individuals might consider easy conversation.

💡Social Scripting

Social scripting is a strategy used by some autistic individuals to navigate social interactions by learning and mimicking the behaviors and responses expected in social situations. The speaker discusses how they have developed this skill over time through trial and error, and how it is a significant part of their social interactions.

💡Neurotypical

Neurotypical refers to individuals who are not on the autism spectrum and whose development and behavior are considered to be within the typical range for society. The script contrasts the speaker's experiences with those of neurotypical individuals, emphasizing the divide and the effort required to bridge it.

💡Masking

In the context of the script, 'masking' refers to the act of an autistic person suppressing their natural behaviors and mannerisms to appear more neurotypical. The speaker describes the toll that constant masking takes on their mental health and identity, and the eventual decision to stop masking and embrace their authentic self.

💡Special Interest

A special interest is a specific topic or area that an autistic person becomes deeply interested in and knowledgeable about. The script mentions the speaker's special interest in the TV show 'Survivor' and music, which they use as a means to learn about social dynamics and communication.

💡Inferior

The term 'inferior' is used in the script to describe the speaker's internalized feelings of being less than others due to their inability to naturally understand and participate in social cues. This feeling of inferiority is deeply tied to their identity and the struggle with autism.

💡Suicidality

Suicidality refers to thoughts, feelings, or actions related to suicide. The script reveals the speaker's personal experiences with suicidal thoughts and attempts, highlighting the increased risk for autistic individuals compared to their neurotypical peers.

💡Psychiatric Hospitalization

Psychiatric hospitalization is the process of admitting a person to a hospital for mental health treatment. The script describes the speaker's traumatic experiences in psychiatric hospitals, emphasizing the communication barriers and the exacerbation of their feelings of isolation.

💡Neurodiversity

Neurodiversity is the concept that neurological differences, including autism, are a natural part of human diversity. The speaker calls for recognition and understanding of neurodivergent individuals, advocating for a world that appreciates and learns from the unique ways autistic people interact and operate within society.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability in this context refers to the state of being open to attack or harm, but also to the willingness to show one's true self without hiding behind a facade. The speaker discusses the difficulty and importance of embracing vulnerability, particularly for those who are already part of a misunderstood community.

Highlights

Introduction of the speaker's 'meeting a new person protocol' and the process of social interaction for someone with autism.

The speaker's use of social scripting as a learned skill to navigate conversations and social cues.

The emotional toll of social interaction, leading to feelings of inferiority and the internalization of being 'unacceptable'.

The concept of 'special interest' in autism and how it was used as a tool for learning and understanding social dynamics.

The speaker's journey of building a metaphorical 'bridge' to cross the perceived chasm between themselves and neurotypical individuals.

The impact of 'masking' on the speaker's mental health, leading to therapy, antidepressants, and a cycle of self-destruction.

The high rates of suicide attempts and psychiatric hospitalization among autistic individuals.

The challenges faced by autistic individuals in psychiatric settings due to communication barriers.

The speaker's commitment to stop masking and the subsequent struggle with identity and self-acceptance.

The realization that the speaker's life is not a neat story of overcoming but a continuous process of living with autism.

The importance of support and understanding from neurotypical friends and the need for a more inclusive society.

The speaker's call to action for neurotypical individuals to listen, observe, and empower neurodivergent people.

The encouragement for autistic individuals to embrace vulnerability and to open up to the world.

The acknowledgment of the ongoing struggle and the need for daily resilience in living with autism.

The speaker's personal commitment to choose life and to be an advocate for neurodivergent experiences.

The conclusion emphasizing the need for the world to learn from the unique ways neurodivergent individuals interact and contribute.

Transcripts

all right

so most of you are strangers to me

so allow me to take you through my

meeting a new person protocol

hey

how's it going

now that i have properly scanned all

audio and visual stimuli in the room i

can officially commence

the small talk

at this point i'll make an unoriginal

remark about the weather

you nod and reiterate what i say in more

concise wording

i answered some kind of joke here it'll

be an accurate observation that i know

will make you laugh

this is where you laugh

now that i am already tired of doing the

small talk i will proceed to info dump

about something i find fascinating

you will appear interested i'll be

unable to tell if you're being genuine

or not

okay you get the idea you just witnessed

where over half of my brain power and

energy goes during a standard

interaction

and that doesn't even cover nonverbal

cues and facial expressions

why does my brain do this

because i'm autistic

why can i nail that conversation

because i've had over 21 years of

practice

i learned this skill of social scripting

through a lot of trial and error growing

up

here's what happened i'd say the wrong

thing in the conversation or speech

receive an unpredictable response back

in panic

often bursting into tears

when this started happening around age

five people thought little of it they

thought i was just going through a phase

they'd ask me leah

what's

wrong

by the time i turned eight two more

dehumanizing words were added to that

question what's wrong with you

you

that word

you

i began to picture myself across the

chasm from the neurotypicals in my life

a wide trench dividing me from a world

filled with cues i couldn't understand

standing on that side of the chasm

taught me something i internalized as

fact

my ways of interacting with the world

were unacceptable

this thought consumed me until

eventually inferiority became

inseparable from my identity

i only saw one solution

learn to fit in

every day i'd observe the gestures

syntax and tone used by the people

around me

i'd mimic what worked and when

interactions i observed were too awkward

or unsuccessful i'd note the mistakes

over 75 of my brain power went to the

how of each conversation

not the

what

the term special interest describes a

trait of autism where autistic

individuals latch on to a niche topic of

interest

my first special interest was the tv

show survivor

every wednesday night i run into the

living room and turn on the tv to

dissect tribal alliances assess the

latest blindside and study the

mannerisms the castaways use to build

trust

i broke this show apart the same way i

would break apart music my primary

special interest

analyzing the inflection of a melodic

line

the rhythm of comedy and tragedy

the call and response that paralleled

that of an effective conversation

so i quickly became fluent in three

languages

survivor

music

and neurotypical

as i learned observed and mimicked i

built a bridge across the chasm

a mask

a way i could cross

every autistic person builds this bridge

differently

some lean on their special interest

others learn from the media

others prefer to learn from real people

however none of these methods would work

if it weren't for one other crucial

design element

reinforcement

the more teachers saw me as normal the

higher my grades would be

hell if i put on a strong enough social

performance

i might even make a friend

eventually

i got so used to crossing this bridge

that i did so subconsciously

when i masked i could be anyone i wanted

to be

it was so exhilarating to just be

normal

but it came with a price

i was in therapy by age 8 and on

antidepressants by 10.

by the time i hit middle school i was

this model student by day but would come

home and completely break down at night

i could never stop this performance for

fear of being viewed as rude incompetent

or unprofessional

they would see what's wrong with me

on november 9

2011

at 11 years old

i attempted suicide for the first time

and

i am no anomaly

autistic children are 28 times more

likely to attempt suicide than their

neurotypical peers well autistic adults

are six times more likely

psychiatric hospitalization is

traumatic

to neurotypicals

but it's often worse for neurodivergent

people

the communication barriers between me

and the neurotypical psychiatric staff

turned my time there into a living hell

when i left

i made the commitment to mask even more

i feared that if i unmasked if i had a

single meltdown after that

hospitalization that i'd be brought

straight back to the hospital

i was terrified of unmasking

and for good reason

roughly 75 percent of autistic people

are under or unemployed that number

increases to 85 percent for autistic

college graduates

autistic people are at a seven times

higher risk for sexual assault

our safety well-being and financial

security are at stake

many times how well we perform

determines our very survival

by the time i got to college

i messed with everyone

therapists mentors

close friends

by doing so i was effectively shutting

them out of my life

my college experience was this cycle of

self-destruction psychiatric admissions

and shame

with each repeated implosion i tried to

fight these intense amounts of

suicidality by suppressing the emotions

that lay beneath

one of my friends pointed out that my

emails didn't even sound like me anymore

i can be myself when i graduate i tell

myself

i can be myself when i'm more

established in my career

i just need to push through this week

this month

this semester

because the reality is

masking is exhausting

the sounds the sights the tags on your

clothes all excessive stimuli that takes

energy to process and when you're

putting all your energy into surviving

all you want to do is turn it off turn

the tv

off

but survivor was no longer just a game

on tv i couldn't turn it off

instead i had to try to wake up and

choose life daily

you see

i didn't want to die

i just wanted to escape from this

massive weight my mask had placed on me

and i didn't see any other viable way to

carry on

and

as a young adult

the psychiatric hospital was

different some of the most beautiful

moments in my life took place in these

hospitals

i led jam sessions from out-of-tune

upright pianos had philosophical

conversations over dinner and simply

wept with people fighting battles so

similar yet different to my own

i was truly unmasking for the first time

however each time i left the hospital i

had to face the people who cared about

me

i would sit there in helplessness and

anger as they sobbed on my shoulder

yelled at me or treated me as though i

was some kind of broken doll

and while i wasn't broken

every hospitalization fractured my world

broken promises to stay safe broken

relationships broken opportunities for

personal growth broken people now

traumatized from saving my life time and

time again

i believed my very existence caused

others pain

so as quickly as the mask came down

it went right back up

i kept this mask up until i couldn't

anymore

on december 27 2020 i ended up in the

hospital with a three foot long blood

clot in my leg and a pulmonary embolism

while i awaited my potential deaths

all alone

with 20 different electrodes on my body

monitoring my breathing i masked in

order for doctors nurses and surgeons to

take me seriously

when i don't mask in this setting i

often get talked to as if i have the

cognitive abilities of a five-year-old

so i lay in the dark

listening to bill evans you must believe

in spring

and i made the commitment that if i

lived to see the morning i would refuse

to be anyone other than myself

i would take off

the mask

so

spoiler alert

i did in fact survive

but in on masking i immediately hit a

barrier

who was i

i'd almost completely lost my

personality and identity

the mask and i

were inseparable

so i listened and observed less and

spoke more

when i stopped restricting intuitive

body movements and allowed my voice to

follow its natural inflection its

melodic line i felt energized

i found other autistic advocates online

through ted and tedx talks gaining

deeper self understanding through

listening to other stories

and over the course of a year i went

from hiding in my room watching these

talks to becoming an advocate who

refused to shut up for what they

believed in

and with that

came some hard truths

i learned that i have not overcome

anything

there are still days where i cannot

physically speak

i continue to feel as though i'm

separated by this chasm in most

conversations

i still

have to choose life

every day

i mean earlier this week i was in a

partial hospitalization program because

i'm still learning to carry this massive

weight this trauma

that comes with my mask

and i've learned my life isn't this neat

story i can shape this narrative like it

is would be incredibly misleading

you might not realize this

but i've been halfway masked this whole

time

i'm not going to confront one of my

worst nightmares standing on this stage

without my strongest survival mechanism

and

quite frankly

i don't owe you

that vulnerability

you also don't realize how many times i

have come close to quitting tedx hope

college

i'd rather be behind the scenes

but this is about pulling you all

backstage with me sharing my story of

what it's like to live behind the

curtain that it is about telling this

overly detailed story or worse this

inspirational story of overcoming

want to know another lesson i learned

i can't do this alone

and i sure can't do this without you

to my neurotypical friends

i ask you this

and what spheres of your life can you

cross that bridge at least halfway

and what spheres of your life can you

cross that bridge completely

how can you

speak less and listen and observe more

empower us your neurodivergent students

clients patients colleagues direct

reports leaders friends and loved ones

and how can we create space for

intersectional autistic experiences such

as those of bypoc queer and other

marginalized communities

after all

they built this bridge too

to my autistic friends

and really

to 11 year old me because

this is what i needed to hear 10 years

ago

i am proud of you

i am proud of your intentionality and

your everyday interactions

i want to challenge you to direct that

same intentionality towards opening up

to this bright loud ambiguous and scary

world

it is terrifying to choose vulnerability

when you are already a member of a

vulnerable and misunderstood community

start with your safe spaces

and work outward

the unmasking process is terrifying

and it's worth it

you are the reason i wake up and choose

life daily

and if you're in a place where you just

want to turn it all off

make me

your reason

this world needs you

the real you

and it could stand to learn from the

ways you operate and interact within it

every single day

thank you

you