Our Relationship Hit Rock Bottom - I'm back to Brazil

Summary

In this intimate video script, the narrator shares their journey of self-discovery and healing after the loss of a loved one, Henry, and facing relationship challenges with Adam. They travel to Brazil, reconnecting with family, friends, and their roots while grappling with loneliness and past traumas. The script captures their experiences of cultural readjustment, grappling with homophobia, and finding solace in simple pleasures and the support of their community. It's a heartfelt narrative of resilience, introspection, and the quest for personal growth amidst life's unpredictability.

Takeaways

• 😔 The narrator experienced significant life changes, including the loss of Henry and challenges in their relationship with Adam.
• 🌎 They bought a one-way ticket to Brazil and have been staying in an empty family apartment since June 29th, reconnecting with family and friends.
• 🏠 The narrator is currently alone, using the time to reflect on their feelings and the importance of not losing oneself in relationships.
• 🛌 They are living simply, with a blow-up mattress and limited furniture, which has given them space to think about their life and relationship.
• 💔 The relationship with Adam has deep-seated issues that are not due to infidelity but rather unaddressed emotional wounds.
• 📅 The narrator has a return ticket booked for the 24th, symbolizing a mutual exploration of personal roots and space for self-reflection.
• 💬 Despite the physical distance, they maintain communication with Adam, discussing their ideals for the relationship and setting boundaries for communication.
• 👕 The narrator is struggling with day-to-day life, such as laundry and managing a cluttered living space.
• 🏘️ Returning to their hometown has been a mix of confronting past memories, both good and bad, and rediscovering their cultural roots.
• 🏳️‍🌈 The narrator reflects on their teenage years as a gay individual in a machismo culture with homophobia, and how they've grown since then.
• 🎥 The video is a personal project for the narrator, an opportunity to step out of their comfort zone and share their story independently of Adam.

Q & A

What were the initial plans for Adam and the narrator's summer?

The initial plans for Adam and the narrator's summer included going on road trips, camping, and swimming with Henry.

Why did the narrator buy a one-way ticket to Brazil?

The narrator bought a one-way ticket to Brazil as a way to deal with the loss of Henry and the challenges in their relationship with Adam.

How long has the narrator been in Brazil as of the script's timeline?

The narrator has been in Brazil since June 29th, and at the time of the script, they have been there for a few weeks.

What is the current living situation of the narrator in Brazil?

The narrator is staying in a family apartment that is mostly empty with not a lot of furniture and has been sleeping on a blow-up mattress.

How does the narrator describe their relationship with Adam after the recent changes?

The narrator describes their relationship with Adam as going through challenges but having a strong foundation, having been together for eight years, and facing deeper wounds in the relationship.

What is the narrator's experience with the Brazilian culture and homophobia?

The narrator experienced a lot of homophobia within their family and the Brazilian society, which contributed to their social anxiety and feelings of isolation during their teenage years.

What is the narrator's plan after staying in the family apartment?

The narrator plans to go to the beach and is considering an upgrade in their living situation, possibly moving to a place with furniture.

How often do the narrator and Adam communicate while the narrator is in Brazil?

The narrator and Adam are on good terms and try to FaceTime every two days, maintaining a boundary in terms of communication.

What is the narrator's opinion on the city center of their hometown?

The narrator enjoys the city center of their hometown, appreciating the converted abandoned building with artisanal stores and bars, and the overall diversity and culture.

How does the narrator feel about their hometown's noise level?

The narrator initially found the noise level overwhelming but after three weeks, they have readjusted to the culture and embraced the passion and sounds of their hometown.

What is the narrator's view on the importance of being in a big city?

The narrator finds that being in a big city provides a sense of belonging and is important for their mental health, contrasting with the feelings of loneliness they sometimes experience in the Gorge.

Outlines

00:00

🌎 Journey to Self-Discovery in Brazil

The narrator embarks on a reflective journey to Brazil, seeking solitude and self-exploration after experiencing the loss of a loved one, Henry, and facing relationship challenges with Adam. Staying in a sparsely furnished family apartment, they reconnect with family and friends, and confront the reality of their current life situation. Despite the emotional turmoil, they find comfort in the familiarity of their hometown and the support of loved ones, while also acknowledging the need for personal growth and healing.

05:07

🏠 Navigating Change and Homesickness

The script delves into the narrator's experience of returning to their childhood home, which has undergone significant changes, evoking a mix of nostalgia and discomfort. They describe the challenges of living in a messy environment, the emotional weight of their past, and the fear of reverting to their former self. Despite these struggles, the narrator finds solace in the simplicity of daily life in Brazil, the convenience of local amenities, and the joy of walking around their hometown.

10:30

🌱 Coping with Grief and Seeking Connection

The narrator grapples with the grief of losing Henry and the emotional strain on their relationship with Adam. They express the difficulty of managing their emotions and the impact of past traumas that have not been fully addressed. The script captures moments of loneliness and the desire for connection, as well as the narrator's efforts to find joy in simple pleasures like eating 'brigadero' and watching a favorite TV series.

15:34

🏙️ Embracing the Chaos of City Life

The narrator explores the vibrant city life of their hometown, contrasting the initial overwhelm with the eventual appreciation for the cultural richness and diversity. They recount a day of personal care, which lifts their spirits, and a visit to a city center marketplace, highlighting the affordability and the lively atmosphere. Despite the noise and the challenges of city living, the narrator finds a sense of belonging and considers the benefits of urban life.

20:44

🛌 Adjusting to Life's Ups and Downs

The script details the narrator's struggle with sleep disturbances due to the noisy environment and their efforts to find peace amidst the chaos. They reflect on their adjustment to Brazilian culture, the reawakening of their passion, and the realization of the need to reconcile their own desires with those of their partner, Adam. The narrator also confronts lingering issues of homophobia and machismo, demonstrating resilience in the face of adversity.

25:56

🏖️ A Reluctant Farewell to Brazil

In the final paragraph, the narrator expresses a newfound appreciation for their time in Brazil, despite initial reservations. They recount their experiences with local food, the peacefulness found in simple pleasures, and the decision to extend their stay beyond the initial two weeks. The script concludes with the narrator's preparations for the next leg of their journey, reflecting on their personal growth and the lessons learned during their time away from home.

Keywords

💡Unexpected turns

The term 'unexpected turns' refers to unforeseen changes or events in life that alter one's plans or direction. In the video's context, it is used to describe the sudden shifts in the narrator's life, such as the loss of Henry and the challenges in their relationship with Adam, which led to an unplanned journey to Brazil.

💡Foundation

A 'foundation' in this context signifies the basic principles or the strong base upon which something is built. The narrator mentions that despite the current challenges, their relationship with Adam has a 'strong foundation', indicating that they have a history of overcoming difficulties together, which is crucial for understanding their current situation.

💡Addiction

Addiction is a condition where a person has an uncontrollable urge to repeat a certain behavior or consume a substance. The narrator reveals that they were using addiction as a means to 'replace or numb' their feelings, which is a key insight into their emotional state and coping mechanisms.

💡Trauma

Trauma refers to deeply distressing or disturbing experiences that can have long-lasting emotional effects. The video discusses 'traumas' that the narrator and Adam have not fully addressed, suggesting that these unresolved issues are affecting their relationship, which is a central theme of the video.

💡Roots

'Roots' in this context means one's origins or the place where one comes from. The narrator mentions 'getting back to my roots' during their stay in Brazil, which is a significant part of their journey as they reconnect with their family, friends, and their past.

💡Machismo culture

Machismo culture is a social concept where men are expected to exhibit traditionally masculine qualities such as strength, courage, and dominance. The narrator describes the impact of this culture on their teenage years in Brazil, highlighting the challenges faced by the LGBTQ+ community and the personal struggles it caused.

💡Homophobia

Homophobia is the fear, hatred, or discrimination against people who identify as homosexual. The script mentions the narrator's experiences with homophobia within their family and Brazilian society, which is a critical aspect of their personal narrative and the broader social context of the video.

💡Isolation

Isolation refers to the state of being alone or separated from others. The narrator talks about 'isolating myself' during their teenage years due to the fear and anxiety caused by homophobia, which is a key element of their backstory and emotional journey.

💡Self-discovery

Self-discovery is the process of learning about one's own identity, needs, and desires. The video script includes the narrator's reflections on rediscovering their passion and romantic nature, which had been suppressed in their relationship, and is a significant part of their personal growth.

💡Grief

Grief is a deep emotional response to loss, which can include sadness, anger, and a sense of emptiness. The narrator describes their feelings of grief over the loss of their dog Henry and the changes in their relationship with Adam, which is a central emotional thread throughout the video.

💡Cultural manifestations

Cultural manifestations refer to the various expressions of a culture, such as festivals, art, and traditions. The narrator appreciates the diversity and culture they encounter in Brazil, which contrasts with their previous environment and contributes to their overall experience.

Highlights

Unexpected life changes lead to a one-way ticket to Brazil and a period of self-reflection.

The narrator is staying in a family apartment with minimal furniture, providing an opportunity for reconnecting with family and friends.

The importance of solitude is highlighted as a means to process personal emotions and rediscover oneself.

The narrator acknowledges the challenges in their relationship with Adam, including unaddressed traumas and addiction issues.

A strong foundation in the eight-year relationship between the narrator and Adam is mentioned, suggesting resilience through hardships.

The narrator's experience of homophobia and the impact of machismo culture during their teenage years in Brazil.

A shift in the narrator's life occurred after coming out to their family and attending college.

The narrator's struggle with social anxiety and the fear of returning to their past self upon returning to Brazil.

The benefits of living in a walkable neighborhood with access to amenities like bakeries and gyms.

The narrator's realization of their need to embrace their passionate nature, which had been suppressed in their relationship.

The narrator's decision to book a hair appointment and beard trim as a way to improve their mood and break out of a rut.

The cultural diversity and vibrancy of the city center, including artisanal stores and a gay-friendly atmosphere.

The narrator's adjustment to the noise and activity of their hometown, embracing the passion of Brazilian culture.

The narrator's contemplation of their ideal relationship and the need to find common ground with Adam.

The narrator's mixed feelings about leaving Brazil, despite the initial plan to stay for only two weeks.

The narrator's decision to move on to the next destination, possibly a place with more comfort, after realizing the limitations of their current living situation.

The narrator's first solo video, showcasing their personal story and growth, and their anticipation for the next adventure.

Transcripts

Life takes some unexpected turns sometimes. A  couple of months ago, Adam and I were making  

all these plans to enjoy summer together—to go  on road trips, camping, and swimming. Henry was  

going to be with us, and fast forward to  now, not only did we lose Henry, but our  

relationship is going through some challenges right now.  Last month, I bought a one-way ticket to Brazil,  

and I've been here since June 29th. Right now,  I'm staying in a family apartment that's sitting  

empty. There's not a lot of furniture. I've  had the chance to visit family and friends.

It was good to make those connections again and  get back to my roots, but on the other hand,  

it's also good that I'm by myself right  now because I really need some time to  

sit with my own feelings. Sometimes we  lose ourselves in our relationships,  

and that's never good, no matter who you're with.

To be completely honest, life looks a little messy now. I've been here in Belo Horizonte for a couple of weeks now,

I've been sleeping on a blow-up mattress—fancy.

My sister, brother-in-law, and nephew stayed here with me  for two weeks,

but now they're back in Canada, and now I'm here on my own trying to get my [__]  together.

This is completely new territory for Adam and I. We've never gone through anything like this before, and we've been together for eight years.

We don't actually 100% know what's  going to happen, but we have a strong foundation.

We've been through hard moments before. I started  to see that the addiction was because I was trying to replace or numb my feelings.

There's more to the traumas that we haven't talked about, things we still don't feel comfortable sharing.

There was no cheating or anything like that; it's really deeper wounds in the relationship that we've been facing for a couple of years.

Hey, hello! Good to see you. Good to see you too!  Yeah, your hair is like Henry's. Just woke up. Uh,  

yeah, just had coffee, watching a garden video. Do  you want to see the flower bed or the garden? Yep,  

that looks so good! Yeah, so cool that  you did that.

ChatGPT helped me: lettuce, cilantro, spinach

Can you see stars? Uh, no, not a lot, boo.

There's a  lot of light pollution here.

Then I bought my ticket to go home on  the 24th, so it's like the both of us visiting our hometowns.

I think right now we need to be gentle with ourselves.

Okay, so you want to talk again on Monday?

Yeah, I guess so, right? And just remember our homework: if you can tell me what your ideals are for our relationship, and that's important for us.

Yeah, it's important for me too. I  want to know what you think. Okay?

Okay. All right. Love you. Love you too. Bye.  Bye-bye. You look handsome, you're do too.

So cute.

Adam and I are on good terms with each other. We try  to FaceTime every two days. We did have a boundary in terms of communication. We don't want to be calling or texting each other whenever we feel  

like it, just because that would defeat the whole  purpose of me being here and him being there. But  

yeah, sometimes I do miss having access to him on  a daily basis just to say good morning or to kiss  

him good night. We're still very loving towards  each other; we say "I love you" whenever we talk.

This bedroom has become a closet. It's  a freaking mess in here. My clothes are  

all over the floor. I'm running out  of clean clothes, clean underwear,  

clean socks—clean everything. It's  a total mess. I think I mixed some  

of the clean clothes with the dirty ones, so  let's just get them all washed. That's easier.

Yup, that's dirty.

Oh, this house used to be ours. This is  where I grew up.

But from what I can see,  the house has been completely changed. It's like  they've built a completely new one, which kind  

of looks like a prison now. It's weird that I'm  staying this close to the place where I grew up,  

my first first room. Oh, so this is it?

yeah, the first one. This, I painted it. I did was put some curtains up.

How cute.

Coming back here to my hometown is  like being confronted by my past.  

Time surely brings some memories, some good ones,  

but other ones not so good.

One of the things  that I do enjoy about my hometown is being

able to walk pretty much everywhere. Most  neighborhoods are going to have bakeries,  

restaurants, barber shops, gyms. Just here where  I'm staying, there are like five gyms close to the  

apartment. I'm walking out to get my laundry  done. It's a 15-minute walk, not bad at all.

I spent six years away from Brazil,  and getting back here... I don't know,  

it was a little intimidating, I guess. There's  almost this fear of getting back to who I was  

before leaving. I've changed so much throughout  the years. Final words? Yeah, just very excited  

for everything we're about to live. Growing  up here as a gay teenager wasn't easy at all.  

Machismo culture is very much present in Brazilian  society. There was a lot of homophobia within  

my family. I've always been a more introverted  type of person, but throughout my teenage years,  

I really started isolating myself. I think  I started developing some social anxiety. If  

someone said the word "gay," or if someone used  the f-word, even if it wasn't directed at me,  

I would get all flustered. It was almost like a  panic attack, and I'm not exaggerating here. It  

wasn't until I went to college and came out to  my family that things started shifting for me.

Friday night, my laundry is done.  I'm ready to get all dressed up.  

Guess what I'm going to do next?

Tonight, I don't want to do anything besides eat 'brigadero'

and watch The Boys.

I'm usually, I'm not into  superhero stuff, but this series is cool.

One day, you feel like you've found  yourself and you're getting clarity,  

and then the next day, it's just... just like  this. This feels like another process of grief,  

And it's...

sometimes it feels like it's a lot. I woke up missing Adam, woke up missing Henry.

I woke up missing our home?

It's much easier to pick up the camera when you're not having a breakdown. See me? Let me just pick up the camera when you're not having a breakdown.

I don't know, it is just honest. you know?  

I just hate that we're going through this. I hate  the way that trauma affects our relationship.

We have so much love for each other, but we  can't fully experience that. And it's no ones fault  

It's really stuff  related to the past.

I'm not feeling my best. So, I booked myself a hair appointment, and I'm also going to get my beard done.

I'm going to walk around a bit, just to try  to get out of this funk. It's better than  

just staying here by myself, staring at  the walls and trying to get work done  

without actually being able to do anything.  Yeah, that should help, right? Let's go.

This neighborhood reminds me of my teenage years,  

first because I worked here at a bank and also  because I would hang out with friends here a lot,  

go to some gay bars and also some gay  clubs. Yeah, just brings me good memories.

All right, feeling much better now. They even  massaged my face—it was like a complete service,  

hot towels, all that—and it only cost me 22  bucks. I think $1 now is like 5.60 Brazilian  

reals. Going to the barbershop, going out to  restaurants or bars, all of it's very cheap.

I also love how you step  outside. You just see so much diversity  

and so much culture. I miss that, you  know? I'm not sure what that celebration  

was about, but I love seeing all the cultural  manifestations.

I'm walking to the city center; one of my favorite places in town is there.  They converted this abandoned building into a  

bunch of stores and bars, and they sell some  artisanal stuff. I also want to grab lunch  

because I'm starving, and this is a very  gay-friendly place. It's a little bit  

of mass chaos, so I think I need a drink  just to relax a little. I'll walk around.

I was told to put the professional camera  away because that's not allowed here, so I'll  

be using just my phone. And now, I really need a  drink.

See me here by myself, drinking by myself.

It's kind of hard finding a spot here for  lunch, but I got beans, rice, pork, and an  

egg. I don't know how you guys call this in  English. It's called "couve" in Portuguese.

Kale

The day turned out to be pretty  cool. It started off really bad,  

but all it took me was to get out of the apartment.  Yeah, I'm seeing that it's really important for  

me to sometimes be surrounded by people. Where we  live in the Gorge, sometimes I feel lonely there,  

and here I'm feeling the opposite. It's much  easier for me to have a sense of belonging,  

but don't get me wrong, I also love the Gorge.  I love the nature there and the feeling of peace  

that the whole place brings. But still, I'm seeing  that being in a big city does have its pros,  

and it's something that I need to take into  consideration. But not now—now it's bedtime.

1:23am

3:42am

Last night was kind of noisy; I didn't sleep  too well. I woke up in the middle of the night,  

first with some people speaking really loud. I  think there was a party going on or something,  

and then a couple of hours later, I think  there were some stray cats fighting like  

crazy and dogs barking. It was pretty  insane. Things are not very quiet here;  

there's always sounds going on. Like right  now, there are roosters. Can you hear that?

...kind of found myself a  quiet spot here. You know,  

when I first got here in Brazil, I  felt a little overwhelmed with all  

the sounds and all the movement. There's  just so much happening at the same time.

But three weeks in, I would say that I'm way  more readjusted to my culture. People speak  

so passionately with each other, and coming  back to my roots kind of allows me to see  

that passion inside myself. I'm very passionate  when it comes to my relationships, especially my  

romantic relationships. I love hugging, kissing,  cuddling, saying all the romantic stuff. I'm into  

all that, and I feel like for the past four  years, I've kind of been suppressing this part  

of myself just because I was trying to adapt  and adjust to the way things were going in my  

relationship. And it was my choice to adjust and  adapt and be flexible to a point where I stopped  

recognizing myself. I can't keep doing this.  And yeah, that's one of the things that I need  

to work on. I have a specific ideal relationship  in my mind, and Adam has his, and yeah, we need  

to try to find middle ground. I think I'm being  a little too open here, but it is what it is.

Talking about machismo and homophobia,  someone just screamed "hey [__] from the car. Oh,  

Brazil is still the same. Yeah, I don't  miss those things here. In my hometown,  

there's a mixture of very gay-friendly places  along with very conservative people. You know,  

so that kind of sucks. I just  flipped them off and kept going with life.

Years ago, that would have made me feel bad.

So this is pamonha. It comes all wrapped inside corn leaves. Not exactly visually super pretty,

but I promise you this is really good.

Oh wow, this is a good one. I was a little  resistant to the idea of coming to Brazil, and my initial plan was to stay here only for two weeks. Still, here I am. I'm honestly not in a  

hurry to leave. I'm feeling at peace, even though  there's no furniture here, at least not a lot of  

furniture. We don't have beds, we don't have a  couch, but I'm still feeling good about myself.  

Even this ugly fake plant left by the people  who lived here before doesn't bother me anymore,  

so that should say something. Yeah, this is where I am, it's the simple things, such as pamonha.

3 weeks later

I think there's a hole in my blow-up mattress;  my butt is on the floor at this very moment. I  

couldn't move a lot throughout the night  just because I would feel the floor.

I think the universe is telling me that it's  time for an upgrade. You know, it's time to  

move on to the next destination, possibly a  place with furniture. That would be awesome.

Yeah, I think I want to go to the beach. I  think the beach would be a good call. Yep,  

this is how it is. Yep, my feet are a little  dirty. I need to clean the apartment before  

I leave. Just like I was resistant to come to  my hometown,

Okay, last flight!

finally!

now I'm resistant to leave. Like I said, the original plan was to stay here  for two weeks, but I've been here for seven,  

which kind of blows my mind. (Patreon exclusive video) Oh, there are  so many monkeys here, little monkeys. Oh,  

this is cool. I hope they don't attack me or  something. Oh yeah, they're coming for me. Look!

This was my very first solo video. Adam usually  is at the forefront of the videos—this is not a  

secret—but I wanted to push myself and challenge  myself to tell my own story, come out of my shell,  

and try to show you guys a little bit more about  myself. I'm sorry if this was a little messy.  

Yeah, I don't have a lot of experience making  a video on my own. Adam's going to be in charge  

of the next one. I just saw on the map that  the lake is on top of the mountain. Oh, that's  

going to be motivation for me to keep going. I'm  going to tell you guys what Adam has been up to,  

and I am getting ready for my next place, so I've  got a lot of packing to do. I'm leaving tomorrow;  

hopefully, we get some warm days ahead. All  right, love you all. See you next time. Bye-bye.