do you want to be loved or do you want to be yourself?

Summary

The video explores the tension between authenticity and the need for love and acceptance. It argues that society often forces people to prioritize attachment over being their true selves, leading to cycles of repression and inauthenticity in relationships. Drawing on insights from Jordan Peterson, Gabor Maté, and Ernest Becker, the video discusses how this behavior can lead to chronic illness and emotional distress. It suggests that true love and acceptance can only be achieved by embracing authenticity, self-compassion, and genuine connection with others.

Takeaways

• 🌀 The advice to 'be yourself' to be loved is often contradicted by societal expectations, leading to a cycle of repressing one's true self for acceptance.
• 👶 From childhood, individuals learn that certain emotions and behaviors are unacceptable, resulting in the repression of authentic feelings to gain approval from others.
• 🔄 The cycle of compromising authenticity for attachment in relationships often leads to eventual emotional breakdowns, breakups, or severed ties.
• 💔 The tension between being authentic and being loved is a recurring challenge, as people prioritize external validation over internal authenticity.
• 😔 Repression of emotions and self-denial are linked to chronic illnesses, particularly among those with a 'Type C' personality who prioritize others' needs over their own.
• ⚠️ The social desirability of traits like compassion and diligence can mask unhealthy behaviors that stem from a need for external validation rather than genuine compassion.
• 👥 The need to belong and feel connected can lead individuals to suppress their true selves, prioritizing attachment over authenticity as a survival mechanism.
• 🌟 The existential paradox of wanting to be both unique and part of something larger contributes to the struggle between authenticity and societal acceptance.
• 💬 Authenticity can be achieved through self-awareness and self-compassion, recognizing that personality traits may be outdated survival mechanisms.
• ❤️ True love involves accepting and understanding each other for who we are, encouraging authenticity rather than repression, and fostering genuine, accountable relationships.

Q & A

What does the script suggest about the advice to 'be yourself' in the context of relationships and success?

The script suggests that the advice to 'be yourself' is often misleading because societal expectations force people to compromise their authenticity to be accepted, whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or achieving success.

How does the script describe the process of socialization and its impact on authenticity?

The script describes socialization as a process where individuals learn from a young age to prioritize attachment over authenticity. This occurs as they adapt to societal and parental expectations, leading to the repression of their true emotions and desires.

What role does Jordan Peterson's parental advice play in the script's argument?

Jordan Peterson's advice, which advocates isolating an angry child until they calm down, is criticized in the script as reinforcing the idea that negative emotions must be repressed to be accepted, contributing to the loss of authenticity.

What is Type C personality, and why is it considered unhealthy according to the script?

Type C personality refers to overly nice people who compulsively prioritize others' needs over their own. This behavior is considered unhealthy because it leads to chronic stress and illness, particularly cancer, as it involves repression of emotions and self-denial.

Why does the script argue that many people develop a Type C personality?

The script argues that people develop a Type C personality as a survival mechanism, especially during childhood, where they learn to suppress their emotions to fit into their environment and be accepted by others.

What does the script suggest about the relationship between authenticity and vulnerability?

The script suggests that being too vulnerable or weird can drive people away, leading to a cycle where individuals suppress their true selves to maintain relationships, only for repressed emotions to resurface later, potentially causing relationship breakdowns.

How does the script relate the tension between authenticity and attachment to existential theories?

The script relates this tension to the existential paradox described by Ernest Becker and Paul Tillich, where individuals seek to belong and be part of something larger while also desiring to maintain their unique identity, leading to internal conflict.

What does the script imply about the role of culture in shaping behavior and beliefs?

The script implies that much of culture is based on fear-based beliefs and adaptive survival mechanisms, where individuals adopt socially desirable behaviors to fit in, often at the expense of their health and authenticity.

How does the script propose resolving the tension between authenticity and attachment?

The script proposes resolving this tension by developing awareness and self-compassion, allowing individuals to reconnect with their true selves, set healthy boundaries, and engage in relationships where they are accepted for who they are.

What does the script conclude about the possibility of being both authentic and loved?

The script concludes that while inauthenticity may not initially be a choice, with self-awareness and compassion, it is possible to be both authentic and loved. True love involves mutual understanding, acceptance, and accountability.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Paradox of Authenticity vs. Love

This paragraph explores the tension between being true to oneself and the desire to be loved or accepted. It challenges the notion that being authentic is enough to be loved, suggesting that from a young age, individuals learn to modify their behavior to gain approval from others. The example of Jordan Peterson's advice on handling a child's anger highlights how societal expectations teach us to suppress our true emotions to fit in. As we grow, this conflict intensifies, leading to cycles of repressing our true selves to maintain relationships, ultimately questioning whether it's possible to resolve the tension between authenticity and attachment.

05:02

💔 The Health Risks of Repression for Love

This paragraph discusses how repressing one's true self to be loved can have severe health consequences. It introduces the concept of 'Type C' personality, characterized by compulsive niceness and self-denial, which is linked to chronic illnesses like cancer. Dr. Gabor Maté's observations reveal that individuals who prioritize others' needs over their own often do so to feel accepted, putting their health at risk. The paragraph also touches on how societal expectations, especially for women, contribute to this repression from a young age, leading to a lifetime of prioritizing attachment over authenticity.

10:03

🧠 The Development of Inauthenticity and Its Cultural Roots

This paragraph delves into how inauthenticity develops as a survival mechanism in response to environmental pressures, especially during childhood. It critiques societal norms that encourage the suppression of emotions to fit in, referencing how children adapt to what their parents and society expect to survive. The text critiques Jordan Peterson’s approach to disciplining children, arguing that it teaches repression of negative emotions. The paragraph concludes by exploring how this learned behavior extends into adulthood, leading to a personality that seeks external validation rather than being true to oneself, and how this coping mechanism can perpetuate feelings of unworthiness.

🌱 Breaking Free from Inauthenticity

This paragraph focuses on how to break free from the cycle of inauthenticity. It emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and setting boundaries as key to reconnecting with one's true self. The paragraph also stresses the importance of entering relationships where one is accepted for who they are, which fosters genuine emotional expression. The concept of 'true love' is redefined as a relationship where both partners sincerely want the best for each other while holding each other accountable. Dr. Gabor Maté’s advice is highlighted, encouraging a shift from blame and guilt to curiosity and responsibility as part of the healing process, ultimately suggesting that true love and self-authenticity are indeed possible.

Keywords

💡Authenticity

Authenticity refers to being true to one's own personality, values, and spirit, even in the face of external pressures. In the video, the tension between being authentic and being loved is a central theme. It explores how people often suppress their true selves to fit into social norms, which can lead to a cycle of inauthenticity and dissatisfaction in relationships.

💡Attachment

Attachment in the video refers to the emotional bonds that people form with others, particularly in relationships. The script discusses how individuals often prioritize attachment over authenticity, leading them to conform to others' expectations to avoid the pain of rejection or loneliness, which can ultimately cause harm to their true selves.

💡Inauthenticity

Inauthenticity is the act of not being true to oneself, often to meet societal expectations or to maintain relationships. The video discusses how people develop inauthentic behaviors from childhood, as a survival mechanism to gain acceptance, and how this leads to long-term psychological and emotional issues.

💡Repression

Repression refers to the unconscious suppression of emotions, desires, or impulses that are considered unacceptable. In the video, repression is portrayed as a common response to societal expectations, particularly in the development of a 'type C' personality, which involves denying one's own needs to prioritize others.

💡Type C Personality

A 'type C' personality is characterized by a tendency to be overly nice, self-sacrificing, and repressive of one’s own emotions and needs. The video cites research by Gabor Maté, suggesting that such personalities are at higher risk for chronic illnesses due to their self-denying behavior, which is socially rewarded but personally harmful.

💡Gabor Maté

Gabor Maté is a physician whose work on the connection between mind and body is referenced in the video. He discusses how repression and the development of a 'type C' personality can lead to chronic illness. Maté’s insights are used to highlight the dangers of inauthenticity and the importance of self-compassion in achieving true health and well-being.

💡Existential Paradox

The existential paradox refers to the conflicting human needs to be both an individual and a part of something larger. The video draws on the work of Ernest Becker and Paul Tillich to illustrate how people struggle with these opposing desires, often leading to a compromise between authenticity and attachment that can be unsatisfactory.

💡Self-compassion

Self-compassion is the practice of being kind and understanding to oneself in times of failure or suffering. The video emphasizes the importance of self-compassion as a means of overcoming the negative effects of inauthenticity, allowing individuals to reconcile their need for both attachment and authenticity without self-blame.

💡Cultural Expectations

Cultural expectations refer to the societal norms and values that dictate how individuals should behave. The video critiques these expectations, particularly how they pressure individuals to conform and suppress their true selves, leading to inauthenticity and inner conflict, especially in the context of relationships.

💡Jordan Peterson

Jordan Peterson is referenced in the video in relation to his parenting advice, which advocates for disciplining children by isolating them when they misbehave. The video critiques this approach, suggesting that it teaches children to repress their emotions rather than express them healthily, contributing to the cycle of inauthenticity discussed throughout.

Highlights

The common advice to 'be yourself' in order to be loved is often contradicted by societal expectations to suppress authentic emotions and behaviors.

Children learn early on that expressing negative emotions leads to disapproval, teaching them to prioritize acceptable behavior over authenticity.

This suppression of emotions to fit in socially can later manifest in relationships, where being too vulnerable or 'weird' might drive others away.

The cycle of repressing true emotions in relationships often leads to eventual conflict, breakups, or the severing of ties, as suppressed feelings surface.

Medical research suggests that overly nice or repressive personalities (Type C) are more prone to chronic illnesses due to stress and emotional suppression.

The pressure to be liked and accepted can lead people to adopt socially desirable behaviors at the cost of their own health and authenticity.

Dr. Gabor Maté notes that repression of emotions and compulsive concern for others are traits that can lead to serious health risks, including cancer.

Children often suppress their authentic feelings to fit in with their environment, prioritizing attachment over authenticity as a survival mechanism.

As adults, this learned behavior leads to an overly agreeable personality, making it difficult to set boundaries or prioritize personal needs.

Maté critiques the advice of punishing children's outbursts, as it teaches them to repress emotions rather than express them healthily.

The tension between the need for attachment and the desire for authenticity creates a paradox, often leading to internal conflict and feelings of unworthiness.

Ernest Becker and Tillich discuss the existential paradox of needing to belong while also striving for individual authenticity, a conflict exacerbated in modern relationships.

Romantic relationships are often burdened with the expectation of fulfilling both individual and collective needs, leading to disappointment and resentment.

The cultural emphasis on romance creates a fear of being alone, pushing individuals to suppress their true selves to avoid loneliness.

Authenticity can be achieved through awareness and self-compassion, by recognizing outdated survival mechanisms and setting healthy boundaries.

True love is defined as mutual understanding and support for each other's authenticity, encouraging open communication and growth.

Transcripts

if you want to be loved you need to be

yourself this piece of advice offered in

slightly altered forms depending on

whether one is seeking romantic love

success or friendship feels like a big

fat lie we learn from a young age that

to be oneself to be messy ugly needy and

stupid isn't lovable crying because we

feel hurt or launching into a temper

tantrum is met with the disapproval of

our caretakers here we may hear The

Echoes of Jordan Peterson's parental

advice

an angry child should sit by himself

until he calms down then he should be

allowed to return to normal life that

means the child wins instead of his

anger the rule is come be with us as

soon as you can behave properly the

child learns to be accepted for not who

they are but how they are their worth is

dictated by their behavior

later on WE note that being too

vulnerable or weird drives away romantic

prospects what we are left with is an

ultimatum you can either be yourself or

you can be loved and so our

relationships become cyclical we

compromise in the beginning prioritizing

attachment over authenticity we tuck

away ourselves repressing the emotions

that feel closest to us but this only

lasts for a short while

sooner or later ugly truths violently

crashed through our Frozen surface of

conformity

we risk a divorce a breakup the severing

of ties with our family members and then

after a while we miss the basic need of

belonging and once again repress who we

are to be with others is this cycle an

inevitability

can we resolve the tension between

authenticity and detachment

[Music]

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foreign

most of our tensions and frustrations

stem from compulsive needs to act the

role of someone we are not

this has become increasingly more

evident when we look at medical research

when we think of an unhealthy

personality we tend to imagine the

stressed out CEO unwilling to make time

for his family or to Simply slow down

although this type A personality has its

own risks recent studies suggest a far

more Insidious trait that many of us

carry as the physician Gabor mate notes

those with a type c personality overly

nice people who compulsively Place

others expectations and needs ahead of

their own are more likely to end up with

chronic illnesses it struck me that

these patients had a higher likelihood

of cancer and poorer prognosis

repression disarms one's ability to

protect oneself from stress

these highly toxic repressive

personality traits include a compulsive

concern for others a rigid

identification with responsibility and

Duty a repression of healthy

self-protective aggression and the

consistent acting out of two main

beliefs I am responsible for how other

people feel and also I must never

disappoint anyone

of course none of these traits are

inherently bad but mate notes that it is

the compulsive nature of such behaviors

that denotes a health risk

he explains further he dangerously

self-denying traits tend to fly under

our radar because they are easily

conflated with their healthy analogs

compassion honor diligence loving

kindness generosity one issue with being

type c is that having such traits is

socially desirable in other words we

tend to adopt these behaviors not out of

a sincere sense of compassion but rather

as a way to be liked to feel attached

and accepted

simply put we place our health at risk

in order to be worthy of love

this may explain the over-representation

of women with chronic illnesses who are

usually socialized at a young age to

repress their emotions and satisfy the

needs of others over their own

more generally mate explains how such a

personality could develop

if our environment cannot support our

gut feelings and our emotions then the

child in order to belong and fit in will

automatically unwittingly and

unconsciously suppress their emotions

and their connections to themselves for

the sake of staying connected to the

nurturing environment without which the

child cannot survive a lot of children

are in this dilemma can I feel and

express what I feel or do I have to

suppress that in order to be acceptable

to be a good kid to be a nice kid

the child pretty much entirely unable to

survive without social support learns to

prioritize attachment over authenticity

learning what our parents want from us

becomes an Adaptive survival response

one that we maintain as we grow up we

learn that to be inauthentic is to

survive here mate criticizes Peterson

who recommends punishing any outbursts

from the child through isolation and

Scorn teaching the child that any

negative emotion is to be repressed lest

they risk Severance from their loved

ones

as we grow older we may develop an

overly agreeable exoskeleton that

surpasses any need for setting

boundaries we may also begin to

internalize the aspirations of those

around us prioritizing external

validation over internal validation

better to believe it's my fault I'm bad

which lets you believe there's the

chance that if I work hard and be good I

will be lovable thus even the

debilitating belief in one's

unworthiness begins as a coping

mechanism

it becomes inconceivable that those

entrusted to care for us are

fundamentally bad as our survival

depends on them instead we must view

ourselves as inherently bad and thus it

is our job to become acceptable and

consequently loved

mate's observations Echo the thoughts of

Ernest Becker and tilik who on a much

broader scale argue that there exists

two ontological motives that creates an

existential paradox

the need to surrender oneself in full to

the rest of nature to become a part of

it by laying down one's whole existence

to some higher meaning and the need to

expand oneself as an individual heroic

personality we wish to be a part of

something larger to feel like we belong

and simultaneously we wish to be

ourselves to be authentic in our

uniqueness and specialness if we become

too much of an individual if we are too

much ourselves however we risk the

existential protection afforded To Us by

society and culture to stray too far is

to feel guilty

Becker notes that where religion has

historically offered a solution to such

a dilemma in which God loves us for who

we are and also for how so perfectly we

fit into his greater design we now seek

the solution in romantic relationships

ideally our partner loves us uniquely

for who we are and also for our

contribution to this thing larger than

both of us the relationship

in the words of Mazzy Star we strive to

fade into them

this of course places far too much of a

responsibility on the partner who

becomes the moral Arbiter of self-worth

resentment and disappointment soon

follow as neither can be fully

themselves all in the service of the

relationship neither can live up to such

romantic expectations

and the fact that romance is so heavily

prioritized by culture only further

underscores the risk of a breakup to be

alone is to be unworthy it's worth

wondering how much of culture is just

this a collection of fear-based beliefs

and adaptive survival identities trying

to fit in how much of our societal

systems is a collective pathology based

on unresolved survival responses

how do we break out of this how do we

strive to become authentic not in the

traditional sense of finding oneself

that characterizes so many

self-indulgent films but rather the

capacity to be both loved and to be

yourself how can we resolve this tension

as mate writes the onset of

inauthenticity may not be a choice but

with awareness and self-compassion

authenticity can be

in other words we must leave blame and

guilt behind our parents were not

operating in a bubble but were instead

influenced by their socio-cultural

environment stumbling in the dark and

trying their best in their own way blame

won't get us anywhere instead it is

important to recognize that our

personality traits seemingly so

ingrained and essential to who we are

May Simply Be outdated survival

mechanisms

it is sobering to realize that many of

the personality traits we have come to

believe are us and perhaps even take

pride in actually Bear the scars of

where we lost connection to ourselves

way back when

to be self-compassionate is to Grant an

offering to others because you know and

honor what you yourself feel that

entails genuinely listening to your gut

instincts and and consequently setting

boundaries it means sensing when we are

truly shaping our lives from a deep

knowledge of who we are it means

honoring that little boy or girl who was

told that what they felt was wrong or

inappropriate

simultaneously it means entering into

relationships where our partner accepts

and understands us for who we are

encouraging us to explore and

communicate our feelings rather than

simply Stow them away for the

appropriate day that will never actually

come

this is true love

people wanting what's best for each

other sincerely all while holding each

other accountable

as mate writes it is not only necessary

to leave blame and guilt behind on the

road to Healing to move from

self-accusation to curiosity from shame

to responsibility it is also and always

possible

find in our last observation that it

isn't such a lie that the only way you

can be truly loved is to truly be

yourself

[Music]