how to stop PEOPLE PLEASING | signs, causes and solutions to take back your power

Summary

This video script delves into the complexities of people-pleasing, a behavior often rooted in childhood and external validation. It outlines the emotional toll of prioritizing others' needs over one's own and offers a three-chapter guide to overcoming this tendency. The first chapter explores the causes, while the second provides practical methods to stop people-pleasing. The final chapter introduces a dialogue guide for assertive communication. The script emphasizes self-reflection, authenticity, and self-love as keys to breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing and living a more fulfilling life.

Takeaways

• 😌 People pleasing is a hard habit to break because it's often tied to pride and a sense of being a 'nice person', but it can be detrimental to one's own needs and self-worth.
• 🔍 People pleasing is rooted in seeking external validation and controlling others' perceptions, which can stem from childhood conditioning and upbringing.
• 📚 The video will cover the causes of people pleasing in chapter one, offering insight into why individuals develop this tendency.
• 🛑 Chapter two provides methods to stop people pleasing, including not anticipating others' reactions and focusing on self-love and authenticity.
• 🚫 It's crucial to stop trying to control others' reactions and to understand that their perceptions are their own and not a reflection of your worth.
• 💡 Developing one's authentic personality involves removing societal layers and discovering who you truly are, especially in moments of solitude and without judgment.
• 💪 Building self-awareness and a strong sense of self can lead to better boundary setting and confidence in expressing one's needs and values.
• 🤗 Practicing exposure therapy for mediocre interactions means learning to say no and not feeling guilty for prioritizing one's own well-being.
• 🙌 Self-love is a significant aspect of overcoming people pleasing; it's important to make decisions that contribute to personal joy and experiences.
• 🌟 Compassion for oneself is vital during the process of change; it's important to recognize that people pleasing habits are not inherently your fault and to approach change with kindness.
• 🗣️ Chapter three offers a dialogue guide for assertive communication, illustrating the difference between being a people pleaser and being assertive and confident without being unkind.

Q & A

Why is people pleasing considered hard to quit?

People pleasing is hard to quit because it is often rooted in external validation and the desire to control others' perceptions. It can also be a conditioned behavior from upbringing, making it a normalized lifestyle and even a survival mechanism.

What are some of the negative consequences of being a people pleaser?

Negative consequences include neglecting one's own needs, potential burnout, resentment, and a lack of authenticity in life. It can also lead to a lack of personal growth and the inability to form genuine relationships.

How does childhood upbringing play a role in the development of people pleasing tendencies?

Childhood upbringing can instill people pleasing tendencies through conditioning behaviors that associate being good with receiving love, affection, or approval. This can lead to a lifelong pattern of prioritizing others' needs over one's own.

What is the relationship between people pleasing and external validation?

People pleasing is often rooted in the need for external validation. The praise and positive responses from others for being accommodating can reinforce the behavior, making it addictive and difficult to break.

Why might someone not realize they are a people pleaser?

A person might not realize they are a people pleaser because it is often a subconscious behavior that has been normalized due to upbringing or societal conditioning.

What methods are suggested in the script to stop people pleasing?

The script suggests methods such as not anticipating others' reactions, realizing that validation should come from within, developing an authentic personality, practicing exposure therapy toward mediocre interactions, and practicing self-love.

How can understanding the root cause of people pleasing help in overcoming it?

Understanding the root cause allows individuals to address the core issue directly, whether it be childhood conditioning, past relationships, or personal insecurities. This self-awareness is crucial for making meaningful changes.

What is the importance of self-reflection in the process of overcoming people pleasing tendencies?

Self-reflection is important as it helps individuals to identify their personal reasons for people pleasing, understand their fears, and recognize the consequences of not being authentic.

How can practicing exposure therapy toward mediocre interactions help in breaking the habit of people pleasing?

Practicing exposure therapy involves facing situations that trigger the people pleasing behavior and responding authentically rather than accommodatingly. This helps to build confidence and break the cycle of prioritizing others' needs over one's own.

What is the significance of self-love in the journey to stop people pleasing?

Self-love is significant because it involves prioritizing one's own needs and desires, which is the opposite of people pleasing. It is a crucial component in building a healthier self-image and establishing boundaries.

How does the script differentiate between assertiveness and unkindness?

The script emphasizes that being assertive and confident does not equate to being unkind. It is about expressing one's needs and feelings honestly and respectfully, without infringing on the rights or feelings of others.

What is the ultimate goal of the dialogue guide provided in the script?

The ultimate goal of the dialogue guide is to transform people pleasing behaviors into assertive and confident communication, while maintaining kindness and respect in interactions.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 The Struggle of Overcoming People Pleaser Mentality

The paragraph delves into the complexities of being a people pleaser, a trait often rooted in external validation and a desire to control others' perceptions. It suggests that this behavior is not only self-neglectful but also a conditioned lifestyle from upbringing. The speaker promises to explore the causes and solutions to this issue in the first chapter, emphasizing the importance of understanding one's roots to break free from people-pleasing tendencies and achieve personal freedom.

05:00

🏠 The Origins of People Pleasing in Childhood

This paragraph discusses the childhood origins of people pleasing, suggesting that it often stems from upbringing where behaviors were conditioned based on parental approval. It describes how a lack of unconditional love and care during formative years can lead to an ingrained need to earn affection and validation through compliance. The speaker also touches on the long-term effects of this upbringing, including a lack of ability to assert oneself and an ingrained anxiety about others' opinions.

10:02

🔄 Breaking the Cycle of People Pleasing

The paragraph outlines strategies to break the cycle of people pleasing. It emphasizes the importance of not anticipating others' reactions and understanding that one cannot control others' perceptions. It also highlights the need for self-reflection to uncover personal reasons behind people pleasing tendencies. The speaker encourages viewers to embrace authenticity and self-love as part of the journey towards personal growth and freedom from people pleasing.

15:04

🚫 Setting Boundaries and Practicing Self-Assertion

This paragraph focuses on the importance of setting boundaries and practicing self-assertion to overcome people pleasing. It advises against trying to control others' reactions and instead encourages expressing one's own needs and emotions authentically. The speaker also discusses the need for exposure therapy towards mediocre interactions, suggesting that it's not one's responsibility to entertain or solve others' problems, and the importance of self-love in building a life that brings personal joy.

20:04

💪 Transforming from People Pleaser to Assertive Individual

The final paragraph provides a dialogue guide for people pleasers looking to become more assertive and confident. It illustrates the difference between two characters, Lola and Athena, who approach their people-pleasing tendencies differently. Athena actively works on change, while Lola remains stuck in her old habits. The speaker emphasizes that being assertive does not equate to being unkind and that every act of self-assertion builds confidence, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling life.

Keywords

💡People Pleasing

People pleasing refers to the behavior of constantly trying to make others happy often at the expense of one's own needs and desires. In the video, it is described as a cycle that is hard to break because it is often rooted in external validation and a desire to control others' perceptions. The script mentions that people pleasers may not even realize their behavior, as it can be a normalized lifestyle or survival mechanism.

💡External Validation

External validation is the need for approval or acceptance from others to feel good about oneself. The video discusses how people pleasing is rooted in seeking external validation, which can lead to a neglect of one's own needs in favor of fulfilling the expectations of others.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity in the video is portrayed as the state of being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character, rather than conforming to external expectations or demands. The script emphasizes the importance of embracing authenticity to break free from people pleasing tendencies and to live a more fulfilling life.

💡Burnout

Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. The video script mentions burnout as a consequence of constantly prioritizing others' needs over one's own, leading to resentment and a lack of personal fulfillment.

💡Assertiveness

Assertiveness is the ability to express one's thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, honest, and appropriate way. The video encourages developing assertiveness as a method to stop people pleasing and to start standing up for oneself without being unkind.

💡Self-Love

Self-love, as discussed in the video, is the act of prioritizing one's own well-being and happiness. It is presented as a crucial component in overcoming people pleasing behavior, as it involves making decisions that contribute to one's own joy and life experiences.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries are the limits or edges of what one is willing or not willing to do or tolerate. The script talks about the importance of establishing and setting strong boundaries as a way to prevent people pleasing and to ensure one's own needs are met.

💡Self-Reflection

Self-reflection involves looking inward to explore one's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The video encourages self-reflection as a means to understand the personal reasons behind people pleasing tendencies and to work towards change.

💡Emotional Expression

Emotional expression is the act of communicating one's emotions to others. The script highlights the importance of expressing emotions authentically as a way to build healthier relationships and to avoid resentment from people pleasing.

💡Compassion

Compassion in the video is the act of being understanding and supportive of oneself during the process of change. It is emphasized as a necessary component when breaking the cycle of people pleasing, as it involves being gentle with oneself and acknowledging that the habit is not a personal failure but a learned behavior.

💡Dialogue Guide

A dialogue guide in the context of the video is a set of instructions or examples on how to communicate effectively and assertively. The script provides a dialogue guide to illustrate the difference between people pleasing responses and assertive, confident communication.

Highlights

People pleasing is rooted in external validation and controlling others' perceptions, often leading to self-neglect.

People pleasers often lack self-awareness due to its normalization as a lifestyle and survival mechanism.

Understanding the causes of people pleasing is essential for overcoming it and prioritizing self-care.

Childhood upbringing plays a significant role in the development of people pleasing behaviors.

People pleasers may have been conditioned to associate good behavior with receiving love and affection.

Anxiety can be ingrained in people pleasers from childhood due to the need to predict and control others' reactions.

People pleasing is addictive due to the positive reinforcement it receives from others.

Self-reflection is crucial to identify personal reasons behind people pleasing tendencies.

Overcoming people pleasing involves learning to stop anticipating or concerning oneself with others' reactions.

Personal validation should come from within rather than being dependent on others' opinions.

Developing an authentic personality involves uncovering and embracing one's true self beyond societal expectations.

Establishing strong boundaries is easier with a clear sense of self and core values.

Exposure therapy for mediocre interactions can help break the cycle of people pleasing.

Self-love is integral to overcoming people pleasing; it involves standing in one's power and expressing emotions authentically.

Compassion for oneself is vital during the process of unlearning people pleasing habits.

Assertiveness and confidence can be developed through practicing small acts of self-assertion.

Being assertive and confident does not equate to being unkind; it's about respecting oneself and others.

The dialogue guide provided illustrates how to transform from a people pleaser to an assertive individual while maintaining kindness.

Transcripts

people pleasing is hard to quit because

you take pride in it and not only you

everyone does it it's like I'm such a

nice person I do everything for everyone

I'm so reliable I just give out my time

and effort so freely no one else does

that sounds like a great person right

well of course to everybody else because

you're constantly putting their needs

above yours but when it comes to

yourself you're not a very nice person

at all and that's the thing people

pleasing is rooted in external

validation and trying to control other

people's perceptions of you and the

worst part about this entire thing is

that if you are a people pleaser you

don't even know it and that's because a

lot of the time people pleasing is

caused by the way we were raised what

behaviors were conditioned in us on what

was considered good versus bad and so

people pleasing becomes a very

normalized lifestyle and even a survival

mechanism for so many people and I'll

explain this more in chapter 1 when I

discuss the science and the reasoning

behind why we become people Pleasers in

the first place what are the causes of

them because it's only when you

understand that that you'll finally be

able to work back from it and get rid of

your people pleasing Tendencies to

finally gain freedom and put yourself

first and speaking of the chapter

breakdown for this video the first

chapter will discuss that the second

chapter will discuss how to actually

stop people pleasing all of the methods

and lifestyle changes involved in

achieving this and then finally we have

chapter number three which will give you

a step-by-step breakdown of how to

transform your behavioral patterns away

from people pleas are to assertive

confident girl I spent years as a

teenager as a people pleaser putting

other people in front of me first

wanting to to be liked trying to guess

how somebody would react to me trying to

make sure that I was this perfect person

that couldn't be disliked by anybody and

once I finally did the inner work which

is what you're going to learn in this

video I finally became that bad

that was so unfaced by anybody's

reactions to her authenticity that I

finally became so happy and content in

my own life burnout was gone resentment

was gone and I also gained a close knit

of friends that actually love and

appreciate me for who I am so that I can

live my life on my own terms before we

get into the video make sure to check

out all the links Below in my

description where you can check out the

exclusive bite-sized self-development

content that I post every single day on

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time you're watching this video it's

available to order worldwide on Amazon

and it's available in waterstones all

over the UK as well as the audio version

on Audible you can also check out my

second YouTube channel where you can see

how I Implement everything I teach on

this channel in my real life and daily

routines along with my brand new third

Channel because my podcast which is

available on Apple and Spotify is now

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domain chapter one the causes of people

pleasing and the first cause of course

is childhood this innate desire to

prioritize other people's joy happiness

and needs before your own often stems

from your own upbringing chances are you

could have had controlling parents or

just parents that weren't able to give

you the time affection care or emotional

support that you needed or you had

parents that conditioned you to

associate being good or getting things

done with encouragement love or time and

affection basically you didn't get the

bare minimum requirements of love and

care from your parents unless you did

something first to earn it or you

behaved in the right way and this

basically taught you as you're growing

up into a person that you have to do

things in order to earn love and

affection by being overly compliant and

agreeable and playing Life by everybody

else's rules that's the only way that

you're going to get through and what I

just described is a form of parent

pleasing which as we grow up turns into

General people pleasing whatever way you

were raised deem what you think is

acceptable behavior in adult life and as

you grow up so when you were growing up

and you were conditioned to act in a way

to be able to avoid punishments or just

be able to earn some time and affection

no wonder you people please today

because you were never taught that

disappointing or letting down others is

actually just a super normal and

acceptable part of life and being with

others and then the effect of having

this type of childhood means that when

you grow up and you're in a situation

where you don't like what's going on or

it's not making you happy you don't have

the strength or even the ability to be

able to say no in that situation stand

up for yourself or fight the battle that

you need to because you've had no life

practice in doing so so actually how are

you even supposed to this isn't your

fault you've literally been taught how

to live and you haven't been provided

with the tools that you need to to not

be a people pleaser on top of that a

little bit of anxiety will be ingrained

in you as you're growing up because you

are constantly trying to predict

people's opinions of you their behavior

their next move their reaction from your

behavior because that's how you had to

live as a child to make sure your home

or your relationship with your parents

was a safe and happy place for you this

leads me onto my next point which is the

addiction of it all we all know that

people pleasing is wrong it's probably

why you searched up how to stop people

pleasing today and started watching this

video right we know it's not something

that serves us or is going to get us to

a good place in our life so why can't we

stop it the reason people pleasing is so

addictive and hard to break out of is

because it has been used to bolster up

your confidence for such a long amount

of time because although people pleasing

is bad for you it elicits such a

positive response in everybody else when

all you hear on a daily basis is you're

the nicest person I've ever met you're

so loyal I can always count on you oh my

God no one else does these favors for me

you're so nice I can't believe it you

are practically fooled into thinking you

are the perfect human being ever because

you're doing everything for everybody

else and putting yourself in last place

so when you're receiving all of this

praise all its validation everybody

likes you what is really motivating you

to break out of that that's what keeps

it such an ADD Ive cycle but lastly

there are truly so many personal reasons

that can cause our people pleasing

Tendencies maybe for you it isn't from

your childhood maybe it's from your

first relationship which really

influenced the kind of person that you

grew up into maybe it's some sort of

abuse that you encountered whether it be

with a friend with a partner with a

family member maybe it's low self-esteem

or this fear of rejection and so before

we move on to the next chapters in this

video I really want you to pause and

make sure that you're making time for

self-reflection to discover what your

personal reasons are ask yourself why

does this come from what am I afraid of

will happen if I be authentic or fight

back in the situation or get rid of my

need or concern to be nice what do I

think will be the consequence of not

doing that do I have a need to be

accepted by others am I trying to mirror

other people's behaviors so that I'll be

liked why is that do I feel like I like

friendship do I feel like I am a bad

person inherently and that people won't

like me if I'm just myself do I feel

like I am here to entertain people and

that is what my value is do I have a

fear of rejection do I seek out

validation because otherwise I don't

feel good about myself on a daily basis

you really need to find out what your

personal root cause is so that you can

get to the root of the issue and really

help yourself and I know some of those

questions sound a little bit ugly and a

little bit icky like no one wants to say

I have a fear of rejection and I really

need validation from other people so

that I feel better about myself for this

day but honestly this process along with

any other form of inner work or healing

requires a little bit of ugliness a

little bit of ickiness to really take a

look inwards and admit I do this thing

that's not good for me and I've been

doing it for a very long time and a lot

of the time it's not your fault okay a

lot of the time it's a habit we've been

stuck into or we've been taught so

really be compassionate with yourself

through this and although it's not going

to feel nice in the moment and it's

going to make your ego take a little bit

of a hit remember it's going to be the

thing this realization that's going to

get you to the other side where you are

no longer ever in your life again going

to have to Google the question how do I

stop people pleasing and this leads us

to chapter number two methods to stop

people pleasing step number one stop

anticipating or even concerning yourself

with other people's reaction the thing

that makes us stuck in this people

pleasing cycle is thinking well if I say

this they're going to be upset or they

might not want to be my friend or it's

going to make them uncomfortable if I

say no or they really really need me so

how can I let them doubt no none of your

concern literally none of your concern

assuming somebody else's reaction before

it even happens is a complete waste of

your time and also your very precious

energy because now you're having to

stress about something twice because

you're doing it before the thing has

even happened two you can't control how

other people react or perceive or

respond to your actions that is entirely

their right you have to let them do that

three it's lowkey highkey manipulative

to try and assume what somebody's

reaction is going to be and thus alter

what your behavior is going to be to be

able to control what the outcome of the

situation is going to be like four that

literally takes away from your own

authenticity and joy every single day

because you are in actor mode you are

stressing so much about how to be so

that you can control everybody around

you and the perception of you that's

just not fun for anybody and five

thinking something like well if I say

this and the person might be a bit Moody

with me or not talk to me or be angry at

me good literally good they are

exercising their human right to

experience and display the full range of

human emotions they are allowed to be

angry they are allowed to be

disappointed you have to let them do

that just like you have to let yourself

experience your full range of emotions

and actually Express them rather than

hiding and suppressing them and then

this person not fully understanding you

or your needs two your validation does

not come from other people I've said it

once and I'll say it again no one can

have a valid opinion of you because no

one is you every perception somebody

else has of you is based off of their

own projections life beliefs traumas

opinions life experiences Etc and so the

only valid opinion there will ever be of

you is from you and therefore the way

that you live in your behavior should

match that fact so ask yourself what's

going to make me feel happy what's going

to improve my day how can I advance in

my career what do I feel like I won't

tolerate what is true love made up in my

eyes three get creative and developing

your own authentic personality here's

the thing yes we are kind of born with a

personality and who we are but we have

to be able to unlock that because we

float through life being taught what is

good what is bad what is approved of

what is cringy and so instead we gain

all of these layers of our personality

on top of our true authentic one to be

able to fit in with Society be accepted

not be cast out or rejected that's just

human nature every single person does it

not just you if this is our nature and

how we flip through life how are we even

supposed to know what our personality is

we might know 5% of it that we're

naturally a little bit funny or we're

goofy or we're a bit of a nerd or we

love Academia but there is so much more

to us and you actually have to commit

the time to be able to find out and

uncover what those parts are especially

when no one else is watching that's when

you uncover your authenticity when

you're outside of your comfort zone when

you're in new environments where nobody

knows you and no one's going to perceive

you that you necessarily care about when

you have the entire house to yourself

when you think about your first instinct

of what you want to do before you then

start considering what are people going

to think what if this fails and all of

that other BS we've been conditioned to

think about when you are more aware of

who you are and you have a stronger

sense of self you're going to be so much

more confident in establishing and

setting stronger boundaries because you

know what your core values are what your

beliefs are and what aligns to the type

of person you are when you float through

and you haven't committed that time to

uncovering your real self it's so easy

to go along with what everybody else

wants because you can't actually see how

you're straying from what you need plus

when you're so short of who you are when

you communicate no or when you start

letting people down and they don't want

to be around you anymore and you're

disappointing them you actually also

take confidence in that because you're

like okay this person doesn't align with

who I am good now I'm going to be able

to find the people that do align with my

authentic self once you are so aware of

who you are what you need what your

preferences are you also want to find

people that fit into your circle as well

and letting down people and basing

people away and cutting people out and

them not wanting to be around with you

is the most important factor in that

that's how you make sure that you're not

wasting your time with all of these

people that were never meant to be in

your life in the first place you're

literally saving yourself time method

four you need to start practicing

exposure therapy toward mediocre

interactions because guess what it is

not your responsibility to entertain

others to solve their problems to make

their day to influence their mood that's

the truth of the matter and as soon as

you remember that and solidify that

belief the sooner you're finally going

to be able to experience all of the joy

and freedom that life is waiting to give

to you and so to be able to remember

that fact and actually live by that so

that your behavior aligns with those

core true beliefs you need to do some of

the following when someone asks you to

do something you don't want to do your

response is no I won't be able to do

that without then trying to reschedule

to make a time where you can do it

trying to overcompensate and be like oh

my God I'm so sorry I can't believe that

feeling guilty for the fact you can't do

that or making up excuses and overe

explaining yourself as to why you can't

do the thing just not wanting to do the

thing is absolutely fine in itself the

next time someone screws you over a work

colleague a business partner that's not

picking up the slack or a friend that

did you a little bit dirty you're not

going to make excuses you're not going

to wait till your emotions pass and then

you're just going to carry on as normal

but instead you're going to validate

your unhappy emotions and express them

to help this person understand how they

stressed you out or made you upset so

that then they can fix Behavior

understand you better and to ensure that

you don't have to experience that

stressful situation ever again you just

did your future self a huge favor my

next point is all about self-love every

single action you take on a daily basis

is building the life that you live and

will live an example of this is when

you're in a group setting and everyone's

deciding where to eat and they ask you

where do you want to eat and you're like

oh I don't mind we'll go where you want

to go oh that's a great idea let's just

do that I really don't mind I'll eat

anything that is yet another example of

you not stepping up to create your own

memories your own experiences and

contribute to your own joy that day even

when you were literally handed the

opportunity but because you responded

with people pleasing yet again you're

creating and improving everyone else's

life experiences and memories but yours

people pleasing also is a self-love

issue it's the most self-loving thing to

stand in your power to express your

opinions to express your emotions so

that people understand you and can

actually act accordingly in how you

expect them to and vice vice versa so

that you can build relationships work

through conflict and at the end of the

day I'm the biggest believer that our

number one purpose every single day when

we wake up should be to have a good day

to experience some sort of Joy on this

Earth today whether it be as small as

getting our favorite ice cream flavor

telling people where we actually want to

eat rather than just going along with

their preferences all the time or as big

as cutting somebody off because they're

too toxic in our lives or going after

something that we really really really

really want every single time you choose

to people please instead you are

preventing yourself from experiencing

missing any of that joy that was waiting

for you the entire time it's like a

sliding doors moment a sliding doors

moment links into the movie where every

single decision you make there are two

outcomes that are going to happen and

whichever outcome you're about to

experience is determined by the response

that you give to whatever question you

ask or action you are about to take so

let's say every outcome on this side is

always Joy links to authenticity what

you want to do and every outcome on this

side is the one that you are taking

which links to people pleasing there are

thousands and millions and millions of

outcomes on this side that you've never

even seen because you continue to follow

the same habits the same behavioral

patterns the same answers on this side

and so you keep experiencing the same

life there's a whole other life and a

whole other dimension right here that

you are not letting yourself experience

and that leads me into my last point for

this chapter which is please give

yourself compassion I feel like I was a

little bit brutal there and I did tell

you guys off a little bit but it's tough

love but most importantly while you're

realizing one of these lessons and you

are shifting your behavior and shifting

your mindset you need to remember that

this isn't your fault and people

pleasing is unfair because nobody is

naturally born a people pleaser it's not

an action that you choose to have or a

personality trait that you adopt because

it benefits you because it's never going

to benefit you it's putting everybody

else before you it's something that you

have been taught and conditioned to have

by somebody else in your life or the way

that you've been treated for an extended

period of time so remember this isn't

your fault please don't grow frustrated

with yourself that oh my God I keep

watching all these videos on how to stop

people pleasing and I won't or why do I

keep doing this or I'm so dumb that I

keep putting everyone before me you're

not you're literally not and the version

of you that was taught to put other

people first needs you more than ever

and you need to show up for her by

getting rid of that frustration and

holding her hand through the process and

being gentle and kind and compassionate

and self-loving towards yourself and

showing her a new way to Live While

forgiving her for past mistakes or any

times that she may go back to what is

familiar and comfortable because she's

only lived that way her entire life and

that is understandable and finally

chapter number three the ultimate people

pleaser dialogue guide being assertive

and confident and putting your foot down

doesn't equal being unkind and the

example I'm about to break down in this

chapter will show you exactly that what

to say what behaviors to implement that

actually aren't as scary as you might

think they are in your head and remember

every small Act of self assertion and

confidence and authenticity you display

will slowly act as building blocks to

your confidence which can get all the

way up there so let's really look at the

difference and see how we're going to

transform from being a people pleaser

girl to an assertive bad be who who

always gets her way while still being

kind and of course I'm going to bring

back our favorite girls to illustrate

this example Lola and Athena now these

two girls are in the exact same boat

their entire Liv they've pretty much

been people Pleasers and they're both

desperately trying to break out of that

habit but Lola is really really inclined

to stick with what's familiar and

comfortable to her she is stuck with her

people pleasing Tendencies she doesn't

really know how to break out and so she

just goes with what she knows Athena on

the other hand although she's

experienced the exact same problems she

is like no I'm going to make an active

effort to change the way that I show up

to change the way that I respond because

the more time I practice doing that I'll

build up my confidence and I'll actually

make it a habit to no longer be a people

pleaser anymore so this is how they

would respond in different situations I

know they upset me but if I confront

them they're just going to be upset with

me they might not talk to me or they'll

just be weird to me or even worse

they'll probably start talking about

what I said to other people and I don't

want that if I communicate how this

person has made me feel which is

literally my right like nobody can tell

me I can't be upset stressed out at

something and then they want to react

badly and talk badly about me to other

people one not only does that show me

their true colors which saves me so much

time in entertaining them any longer but

two that's completely on them I can't

control them they are fully in their

right to express whatever emotion or act

in whatever way they want all that

matters is I communicated what I needed

and therefore did a favor to myself and

I did it in a completely polite and

honest way so I'm happy with how I

showed up I know she invited me to go

but honestly I'm just not feeling it I

don't really want to go out out lately

and parties just aren't my vibe but it's

rude if I don't and I really don't want

to hurt her feelings and I also don't

know what excuse I would even use cuz I

don't have anywhere else to go so I

guess I'm just going to have to go thank

you so much for the invite honestly this

week has just really been a lot for me

and I just don't have the energy for a

lot right now so I think I just need to

go home focus on myself get my energy

back up so then I can like study

properly and just be there for others

properly and just get my mind right

again but I hope you have the best time

and obviously I hope I can make it to

the next one but yeah I don't want to

kill the vi anything I just want to make

sure that I'm at 100% And I know that

you'll understand so thank you it's just

my boyfriend rarely spends time with me

and I just feel like I have to plan

everything all of the time and I'm just

getting so annoyed with it why don't I

tell him because he's just not going to

get it and then he's going to think that

I'm unap appreciative and I always

complain and I just don't want to be the

Naggy girlfriend you know I just want to

keep him happy so I really don't know

what to do I just want to sit you down

and tell you that planning everything

all of the time is just getting a lot

for me and I really wish that you would

show up a little bit more in our

relationship and I would love to tell

you some ideas on how you could do this

that would make me happy you're annoyed

that I'm telling you that I'm going to

express something that genuinely upsets

me in this relationship and you can't

sit here communicate with me and help me

work through it then this relationship

is probably not for me I'm so burnt out

right now and I have so much on my plate

and my boss is giving me another task

and I'm just going to have to do it

because I don't want them to think I'm

not a team player or give me a promotion

just sucking up all of this stuff all

the the time just gets a lot and I

literally don't even have time for any

of my own Joy or Hobbies anymore yeah my

boss is just giving me so many tasks

right now and I actually cannot deal it

so much I'm just going to have to

schedule a meeting or something and tell

her because my current workload is

already too much and I want to avoid not

burning out and then still pushing

myself beyond the limit if she says no

she says no but then at least I tried

see the difference there was nothing

scary about that the difference between

these two girls is that Athena might not

100% get her way because once again you

cannot control other people's opinions

or reactions to you but she is doing the

self-loving favor of trying and showing

up for herself anyway Lola is giving up

before she even starts and that is not a

very nice thing to do for yourself to

always be putting others before yourself

you deserve better than that and I

really hope this video showed you that

and showed you that breaking out this

habit doesn't have to be impossible and

it doesn't have to be scary and it

doesn't have to result in everyone being

upset with you if there was a particular

chapter method or point I made in this

video that really resonated with you I

would love you commented down below I

always read through your comments and

your feedback to make sure that I can

improve every single video for you guys

so I'd love if you did that or even if

you have feedback or you want me to

include something in a future video or

if you have a video request I always

write them down literally every single

one I hope you guys enjoyed this thank

you so much for watching again I love

and appreciate every single one of you

I'm just honestly still so in awe that I

get to upload these videos every single

week it's honestly a dream come true I

love that I can share the lessons that

I've learned in my life with you guys

and I love to see you all implementing

it and I I see your comments telling me

the progress you've made it just warms

my heart so keep up what you're doing

because I'm so so so so proud of you and

I will see you same time next week for a

brand new video on Friday bye

[Music]