There's more to life than being happy | Emily Esfahani Smith | TED

Summary

The speaker explores the pursuit of happiness versus finding meaning in life, revealing that a meaningful life is more fulfilling. Drawing from positive psychology, she identifies four pillars of meaning: belonging, purpose, transcendence, and storytelling. Through personal anecdotes and research, she illustrates how cultivating these pillars can lead to a more resilient and longer life, emphasizing the importance of love, service, and personal narratives in overcoming despair and finding a sense of purpose.

Takeaways

• 🤔 The pursuit of happiness is often seen as the ultimate goal in life, but it can lead to feelings of anxiety and emptiness instead of fulfillment.
• 🔍 The speaker's journey into positive psychology revealed that chasing happiness may actually make people unhappy, and a more meaningful approach is needed.
• 📈 Despite societal progress and improvements in living standards, the suicide rate has been rising, indicating a disconnect between material success and emotional well-being.
• 🌐 A sense of emptiness and despair is widespread, affecting people regardless of whether they are clinically depressed.
• 💡 The key to combating despair is not an excess of happiness, but rather a lack of meaning in life, as discovered through research.
• 🎯 Happiness is defined as a momentary state of comfort and ease, while meaning is a deeper concept related to belonging, serving, and personal growth.
• 🏡 Belonging is the first pillar of a meaningful life, emphasizing the importance of intrinsic relationships and mutual value.
• 🚀 Purpose is the second pillar, focusing on using one's strengths to serve others, which can be found not only in work but also in personal life.
• 🌠 Transcendence, the third pillar, involves experiences that lift individuals above daily life, fostering a connection to a higher reality.
• 📖 Storytelling is the fourth pillar, where creating a narrative of one's life can provide clarity and understanding of one's identity and journey.
• 🔑 The speaker's personal experience with Sufism highlights how a culture of meaning, built on the four pillars, can deeply influence and enrich lives.
• 🛠 Building a meaningful life is an active process that requires ongoing effort and reflection, with the potential for personal growth and resilience.

Q & A

What was the initial belief about the purpose of life mentioned in the script?

The initial belief was that the purpose of life was pursuing happiness, with success being the path to happiness.

Why did the speaker feel anxious and adrift despite searching for an ideal job, a perfect boyfriend, and a beautiful apartment?

The speaker felt anxious and adrift because the pursuit of happiness through these means did not lead to fulfillment but rather to a sense of emptiness and despair.

What led the speaker to go to graduate school for positive psychology?

The speaker decided to go to graduate school to learn what truly makes people happy after realizing that the pursuit of happiness was not fulfilling.

What surprising discovery did the speaker make in graduate school about the relationship between chasing happiness and people's well-being?

The speaker discovered that chasing happiness can actually make people unhappy, and that a lack of meaning in life, not a lack of happiness, predicts despair.

According to the script, what is the difference between happiness and having meaning in life?

Happiness is defined as a state of comfort and ease, feeling good in the moment, while meaning is deeper and comes from belonging to and serving something beyond oneself, and developing the best within oneself.

What are the four pillars of a meaningful life as identified by the speaker?

The four pillars of a meaningful life are belonging, purpose, transcendence, and storytelling.

How does the speaker define 'belonging' in the context of a meaningful life?

Belonging is defined as being in relationships where you are valued for who you are intrinsically and where you value others as well.

What is the key to finding one's purpose according to the script?

The key to finding one's purpose is using one's strengths to serve others, which often happens through work or other forms of contribution.

Can you explain the concept of 'transcendence' as it relates to the pillars of a meaningful life?

Transcendence refers to those moments when one is lifted above daily life, the sense of self fades away, and one feels connected to a higher reality, often through experiences like art, nature, or spiritual practices.

What role does storytelling play in creating a meaningful life?

Storytelling is about creating a narrative from the events of one's life, which brings clarity and helps one understand how they became who they are. It involves editing, interpreting, and retelling one's story, even as constrained by facts.

How did the speaker's childhood experience with Sufism influence their understanding of a meaningful life?

The speaker's childhood experience with Sufism, which involved meditation, serving others, and a culture of meaning, provided a foundation for understanding the importance of the four pillars in living a meaningful life.

What is the significance of the speaker's father's story in illustrating the power of meaning?

The speaker's father's story, where he faced death with the will to live for his family, illustrates how meaning in life, through love, belonging, purpose, and transcendence, can provide something to hold on to during both good and bad times.

Outlines

00:00

😔 The Paradox of Pursuing Happiness

The speaker begins by reflecting on the common belief that life's purpose is the pursuit of happiness, often associated with success. However, this quest left her feeling anxious and unfulfilled, a sentiment shared by her peers. This realization prompted her to delve into positive psychology, where she discovered that chasing happiness could actually lead to unhappiness. She highlights the alarming increase in the global suicide rate, which contradicts the objective improvements in living standards. The crux of the issue, she suggests, is not a lack of happiness but a lack of meaning in life. She introduces the concept that meaning comes from belonging to and serving something beyond oneself, as defined by psychologist Martin Seligman. The speaker's journey through graduate school and her subsequent research led her to identify four pillars of a meaningful life, which she aims to explore further in the script.

05:01

🤝 The Power of Belonging and the Search for Purpose

The first pillar of a meaningful life, as identified by the speaker, is belonging, which is derived from intrinsic relationships where individuals are valued for who they are. She contrasts this with superficial groups that offer a 'cheap form' of belonging based on beliefs or hatred rather than personal worth. The speaker emphasizes the importance of cultivating genuine belonging through love and respect. She shares a personal anecdote about a friend's interaction with a street vendor to illustrate the concept of true belonging. The second pillar is purpose, which is not about personal desires but about contributing to something beyond oneself. The speaker mentions a hospital custodian and parents who find purpose in their roles, suggesting that purpose can be found in various aspects of life, not just through work. She also discusses the societal implications of a lack of purpose, such as disengagement and unemployment, and how they contribute to existential crises.

10:02

🌱 Transcendence and the Art of Storytelling in Life's Meaning

The third pillar discussed is transcendence, which involves moments of deep connection that lift individuals above everyday life, fostering a sense of unity with a higher reality. The speaker shares different ways people achieve transcendence, such as through art, religion, or activities like writing. She describes the transformative effect of these experiences, citing a study where students who spent a minute looking at tall trees reported feeling less self-centered. The fourth pillar is storytelling, the personal narrative one creates about their life. The speaker explains how the story we tell ourselves can significantly impact our mental health and well-being. She introduces the concept of a 'redemptive story,' where negative experiences are redeemed by positive outcomes, as a key to a meaningful life. The speaker shares the story of Emeka, who reframed his narrative after a life-altering injury, leading to a newfound purpose in mentoring children. The importance of reflection and the ability to edit one's life story is emphasized as a means to achieve personal growth and meaning.

Keywords

💡Happiness

Happiness is defined in the script as a state of comfort and ease, feeling good in the moment. It is a central theme of the video as the speaker initially believed that the pursuit of happiness was the purpose of life. However, the script challenges this notion by suggesting that chasing happiness alone can lead to unhappiness and instead promotes the idea of seeking a more meaningful life.

💡Meaning

Meaning, as opposed to happiness, is described as something deeper that comes from belonging to and serving something beyond oneself, as well as developing one's best qualities. The script emphasizes that having meaning in life is more fulfilling and leads to greater resilience, better performance in various areas, and even a longer life.

💡Belonging

Belonging is one of the four pillars of a meaningful life identified in the script. It refers to being in relationships where one is valued for who they are intrinsically. The script illustrates this with the example of a friendship between a man and a street vendor, highlighting the importance of treating each other like humans and valuing one another.

💡Purpose

Purpose is another pillar of meaning and is distinct from finding a job that makes one happy. It is about using one's strengths to serve others, as exemplified by a hospital custodian who sees her purpose in healing sick people. The script suggests that having a purpose gives one something to live for and drives them forward.

💡Transcendence

Transcendence is the third pillar of a meaningful life and refers to moments when one feels lifted above daily life and connected to a higher reality. The script describes transcendent experiences as those that can change a person, such as the experience of being in the zone while writing or looking at towering eucalyptus trees.

💡Storytelling

Storytelling is the fourth pillar of meaning and involves creating a narrative from the events of one's life. The script explains that the way one tells their story can significantly impact their mental health and outlook on life. It uses the story of Emeka, who reframed his life's narrative after a paralyzing accident, to illustrate how changing one's story can lead to a more meaningful life.

💡Positive Psychology

Positive psychology is the field the speaker went to graduate school for, which focuses on understanding what makes people happy. The script uses this field as a backdrop to the discovery that chasing happiness can be counterproductive and that seeking meaning is more beneficial.

💡Resilience

Resilience is the ability to recover quickly from difficulties and is mentioned in the script as a characteristic of people who have meaning in their lives. It is related to the theme of the video as it suggests that meaning provides a buffer against life's challenges.

💡Suicide Rate

The rising suicide rate is used in the script to highlight the paradox that despite life getting objectively better, more people feel hopeless and alone. This statistic serves to underscore the emptiness and lack of meaning that people may experience, even in the face of material progress.

💡Redemptive Story

A redemptive story, as described by the psychologist Dan McAdams in the script, is a narrative where the bad is redeemed by the good. This concept is used to illustrate how people leading meaningful lives often tell stories about their lives that are defined by redemption, growth, and love.

💡Sufism

Sufism is a spiritual practice associated with the whirling dervishes and the poet Rumi, which the speaker's family was involved in. The script uses Sufism as an example of a culture of meaning that embodies the four pillars of meaning, providing a sense of belonging, purpose, and transcendence.

Highlights

The pursuit of happiness can lead to anxiety and a lack of fulfillment.

The rise in suicide rates worldwide indicates a growing sense of despair despite objective improvements in living standards.

A lack of meaning in life, not just happiness, is a key predictor of despair.

Happiness is defined as a state of comfort and ease, while meaning is a deeper sense of belonging and serving something beyond oneself.

Seeking meaning in life is more fulfilling than solely pursuing happiness.

People with a sense of meaning in life tend to be more resilient, perform better in school and work, and live longer.

The four pillars of a meaningful life are belonging, purpose, transcendence, and storytelling.

Belonging comes from intrinsic relationships where individuals value and are valued for who they are.

Purpose is about using one's strengths to serve others, not just finding a job that makes one happy.

Transcendent experiences, such as engaging with art or nature, can lift individuals above the daily hustle and connect them to a higher reality.

Storytelling involves creating a narrative from life events that brings clarity and understanding of one's identity.

People can edit and retell their life stories to foster a more positive and meaningful perspective.

Emeka's story demonstrates how changing one's narrative can lead to personal growth and discovering a new purpose in life.

Dan McAdams' concept of a 'redemptive story' illustrates how people leading meaningful lives often view their experiences through a lens of redemption, growth, and love.

The Sufi meetinghouse provided a culture of meaning with the four pillars as part of its architecture, fostering a deep sense of belonging and purpose.

Society needs to offer better alternatives to gangs and cults by building the four pillars of meaning within families and institutions.

Living a meaningful life requires ongoing work, as individuals constantly create and add to their life stories.

The speaker's father's experience with a heart attack highlights the power of meaning, as his sense of belonging, purpose, and love gave him the will to fight for life.

Transcripts

I used to think

the whole purpose of life was pursuing happiness.

Everyone said the path to happiness was success,

so I searched for that ideal job,

that perfect boyfriend, that beautiful apartment.

But instead of ever feeling fulfilled,

I felt anxious and adrift.

And I wasn't alone; my friends -- they struggled with this, too.

Eventually, I decided to go to graduate school for positive psychology

to learn what truly makes people happy.

But what I discovered there changed my life.

The data showed that chasing happiness can make people unhappy.

And what really struck me was this:

the suicide rate has been rising around the world,

and it recently reached a 30-year high in America.

Even though life is getting objectively better

by nearly every conceivable standard,

more people feel hopeless,

depressed and alone.

There's an emptiness gnawing away at people,

and you don't have to be clinically depressed to feel it.

Sooner or later, I think we all wonder:

Is this all there is?

And according to the research, what predicts this despair

is not a lack of happiness.

It's a lack of something else,

a lack of having meaning in life.

But that raised some questions for me.

Is there more to life than being happy?

And what's the difference between being happy

and having meaning in life?

Many psychologists define happiness as a state of comfort and ease,

feeling good in the moment.

Meaning, though, is deeper.

The renowned psychologist Martin Seligman says

meaning comes from belonging to and serving something beyond yourself

and from developing the best within you.

Our culture is obsessed with happiness,

but I came to see that seeking meaning is the more fulfilling path.

And the studies show that people who have meaning in life,

they're more resilient,

they do better in school and at work,

and they even live longer.

So this all made me wonder:

How can we each live more meaningfully?

To find out, I spent five years interviewing hundreds of people

and reading through thousands of pages of psychology,

neuroscience and philosophy.

Bringing it all together,

I found that there are what I call four pillars of a meaningful life.

And we can each create lives of meaning

by building some or all of these pillars in our lives.

The first pillar is belonging.

Belonging comes from being in relationships

where you're valued for who you are intrinsically

and where you value others as well.

But some groups and relationships deliver a cheap form of belonging;

you're valued for what you believe,

for who you hate,

not for who you are.

True belonging springs from love.

It lives in moments among individuals,

and it's a choice -- you can choose to cultivate belonging with others.

Here's an example.

Each morning, my friend Jonathan buys a newspaper

from the same street vendor in New York.

They don't just conduct a transaction, though.

They take a moment to slow down, talk,

and treat each other like humans.

But one time, Jonathan didn't have the right change,

and the vendor said,

"Don't worry about it."

But Jonathan insisted on paying,

so he went to the store and bought something he didn't need

to make change.

But when he gave the money to the vendor,

the vendor drew back.

He was hurt.

He was trying to do something kind,

but Jonathan had rejected him.

I think we all reject people in small ways like this without realizing it.

I do.

I'll walk by someone I know and barely acknowledge them.

I'll check my phone when someone's talking to me.

These acts devalue others.

They make them feel invisible and unworthy.

But when you lead with love, you create a bond

that lifts each of you up.

For many people, belonging is the most essential source of meaning,

those bonds to family and friends.

For others, the key to meaning is the second pillar: purpose.

Now, finding your purpose is not the same thing

as finding that job that makes you happy.

Purpose is less about what you want than about what you give.

A hospital custodian told me her purpose is healing sick people.

Many parents tell me,

"My purpose is raising my children."

The key to purpose is using your strengths to serve others.

Of course, for many of us, that happens through work.

That's how we contribute and feel needed.

But that also means that issues like disengagement at work,

unemployment,

low labor force participation --

these aren't just economic problems, they're existential ones, too.

Without something worthwhile to do,

people flounder.

Of course, you don't have to find purpose at work,

but purpose gives you something to live for,

some "why" that drives you forward.

The third pillar of meaning is also about stepping beyond yourself,

but in a completely different way:

transcendence.

Transcendent states are those rare moments

when you're lifted above the hustle and bustle of daily life,

your sense of self fades away,

and you feel connected to a higher reality.

For one person I talked to, transcendence came from seeing art.

For another person, it was at church.

For me, I'm a writer, and it happens through writing.

Sometimes I get so in the zone that I lose all sense of time and place.

These transcendent experiences can change you.

One study had students look up at 200-feet-tall eucalyptus trees

for one minute.

But afterwards they felt less self-centered,

and they even behaved more generously

when given the chance to help someone.

Belonging, purpose, transcendence.

Now, the fourth pillar of meaning, I've found,

tends to surprise people.

The fourth pillar is storytelling,

the story you tell yourself about yourself.

Creating a narrative from the events of your life brings clarity.

It helps you understand how you became you.

But we don't always realize that we're the authors of our stories

and can change the way we're telling them.

Your life isn't just a list of events.

You can edit, interpret and retell your story,

even as you're constrained by the facts.

I met a young man named Emeka, who'd been paralyzed playing football.

After his injury, Emeka told himself,

"My life was great playing football,

but now look at me."

People who tell stories like this --

"My life was good. Now it's bad." --

tend to be more anxious and depressed.

And that was Emeka for a while.

But with time, he started to weave a different story.

His new story was,

"Before my injury, my life was purposeless.

I partied a lot and was a pretty selfish guy.

But my injury made me realize I could be a better man."

That edit to his story changed Emeka's life.

After telling the new story to himself,

Emeka started mentoring kids,

and he discovered what his purpose was:

serving others.

The psychologist Dan McAdams calls this a "redemptive story,"

where the bad is redeemed by the good.

People leading meaningful lives, he's found,

tend to tell stories about their lives

defined by redemption, growth and love.

But what makes people change their stories?

Some people get help from a therapist,

but you can do it on your own, too,

just by reflecting on your life thoughtfully,

how your defining experiences shaped you,

what you lost, what you gained.

That's what Emeka did.

You won't change your story overnight;

it could take years and be painful.

After all, we've all suffered, and we all struggle.

But embracing those painful memories can lead to new insights and wisdom,

to finding that good that sustains you.

Belonging, purpose, transcendence, storytelling:

those are the four pillars of meaning.

When I was younger,

I was lucky enough to be surrounded by all of the pillars.

My parents ran a Sufi meetinghouse from our home in Montreal.

Sufism is a spiritual practice associated with the whirling dervishes

and the poet Rumi.

Twice a week, Sufis would come to our home

to meditate, drink Persian tea, and share stories.

Their practice also involved serving all of creation

through small acts of love,

which meant being kind even when people wronged you.

But it gave them a purpose: to rein in the ego.

Eventually, I left home for college

and without the daily grounding of Sufism in my life,

I felt unmoored.

And I started searching for those things that make life worth living.

That's what set me on this journey.

Looking back, I now realize

that the Sufi house had a real culture of meaning.

The pillars were part of the architecture,

and the presence of the pillars helped us all live more deeply.

Of course, the same principle applies

in other strong communities as well --

good ones and bad ones.

Gangs, cults:

these are cultures of meaning that use the pillars

and give people something to live and die for.

But that's exactly why we as a society

must offer better alternatives.

We need to build these pillars within our families and our institutions

to help people become their best selves.

But living a meaningful life takes work.

It's an ongoing process.

As each day goes by, we're constantly creating our lives,

adding to our story.

And sometimes we can get off track.

Whenever that happens to me,

I remember a powerful experience I had with my father.

Several months after I graduated from college,

my dad had a massive heart attack that should have killed him.

He survived, and when I asked him what was going through his mind

as he faced death,

he said all he could think about was needing to live

so he could be there for my brother and me,

and this gave him the will to fight for life.

When he went under anesthesia for emergency surgery,

instead of counting backwards from 10,

he repeated our names like a mantra.

He wanted our names to be the last words he spoke on earth

if he died.

My dad is a carpenter and a Sufi.

It's a humble life,

but a good life.

Lying there facing death, he had a reason to live:

love.

His sense of belonging within his family,

his purpose as a dad,

his transcendent meditation, repeating our names --

these, he says, are the reasons why he survived.

That's the story he tells himself.

That's the power of meaning.

Happiness comes and goes.

But when life is really good

and when things are really bad,

having meaning gives you something to hold on to.

Thank you.

(Applause)