The No Contact Rule: Why Letting Go Brings Them Back

Summary

This video explores the counterintuitive approach to getting an ex back by letting go and moving on. It challenges common beliefs about breakups, emphasizing the importance of distinguishing between love and attachment. The speaker advocates for the 'no contact' rule not as a manipulative tactic, but as a means to rediscover oneself and authentically connect with one's own needs. The video suggests that embracing change and personal growth can make one more attractive to their ex and others, potentially leading to a healthier reunion or a newfound appreciation for individual journeys.

Takeaways

• 😔 The pain of a breakup can be deeply felt, often accompanied by sleepless nights and constant anxiety about the future and the ex's life.
• 🔄 The counterintuitive approach to getting an ex back might be to stop trying and let go, which can paradoxically make it more likely to rekindle the relationship.
• 🤔 The script challenges common beliefs about getting an ex back and introduces the concept of letting go as a powerful move.
• ❤️ It's important to distinguish between love and attachment, with love being about freedom and attachment being about possessiveness and insecurity.
• 💡 The 'no contact' rule is not just about stopping communication with an ex but is more importantly about reestablishing authentic contact with oneself.
• 🔮 The script suggests that what we miss after a breakup is not the ex themselves, but the version of ourselves and how we felt when we were with them.
• 🌊 Love should allow for change and growth, whereas attachment tries to freeze a moment or a person in time, which can be suffocating.
• 🚫 Trying to make an ex jealous or constantly seeking their attention post-breakup is more about attachment and insecurity rather than genuine love.
• 🔑 The power of no contact lies in its ability to help individuals break free from the addictive cycle of attachment and rediscover their own worth and identity.
• 🛤️ The script uses the metaphor of a fork in the road to illustrate the importance of moving forward on one's own path after a breakup, rather than clinging to the past.
• 🌱 Embracing change and personal growth post-breakup can make an individual more attractive, not just to an ex but to others and to themselves, leading to healthier relationships in the future.

Q & A

What is the main idea presented in the video about getting an ex back?

The main idea is that counterintuitively, letting go and moving on might be the most powerful move to get an ex back, rather than actively trying to win them over.

Why does the speaker suggest that our actions post-breakup often push our ex further away?

The speaker suggests that acting from a place of anxiety and attachment can have unintended effects, pushing our ex further away because it reflects our own insecurities and a lack of authenticity.

What is the difference between love and attachment as discussed in the video?

Love is presented as freedom and life, allowing the loved one to be themselves, while attachment is possessive and clingy, often stemming from insecurity and a desire for psychological security.

Why is the no contact rule more about reestablishing contact with oneself rather than just stopping contact with an ex?

The no contact rule is about reestablishing authentic contact with oneself because it allows for self-reflection and growth, moving away from the attachment that can hinder personal development.

What is the speaker's view on the common saying 'If you love something, let it go'?

The speaker believes that the saying, while overused, holds truth in that if you truly love something, you should let it be itself without the desire to possess or control it.

How does the speaker describe the process of going no contact in the context of attachment?

The speaker describes going no contact as a way to break free from the addiction-like attachment to an ex, allowing for personal growth and the possibility of a healthier relationship in the future.

What is the potential outcome of embracing the no contact rule and moving on authentically?

Embracing the no contact rule and moving on authentically can lead to personal growth, a clearer understanding of oneself, and potentially a more mature and healthy relationship with the ex if paths converge again in the future.

Why does the speaker argue that trying to make an ex jealous or constantly checking up on them is not a healthy approach?

The speaker argues that these behaviors are rooted in attachment and insecurity, and they do not reflect genuine love but rather a desire to manipulate the ex based on one's own insecurities.

What is the internal exercise suggested by the speaker to help with the process of letting go?

The internal exercise suggested is to imagine standing at a fork in the road, acknowledging the parts of oneself that are attached to the past, and having the courage to walk down the new path, accepting the reality of the situation.

How does the speaker's personal experience with a breakup influence the perspective shared in the video?

The speaker's personal experience with a breakup, which involved feelings of attachment and insecurity, has led to a deeper understanding and appreciation of the process of letting go and the importance of personal growth.

What is the final message the speaker wants to convey about the power of going no contact after a breakup?

The final message is that going no contact is not just about potentially getting an ex back, but more importantly, it's about self-discovery, personal growth, and aligning oneself with one's authentic energy.

Outlines

00:00

💔 The Paradox of Letting Go to Get Your Ex Back

This paragraph introduces the counterintuitive idea that the key to potentially getting an ex back is to stop actively trying. It emphasizes the importance of letting go and moving on, which might seem bizarre but is presented as a powerful strategy. The speaker promises to debunk common misconceptions about rekindling relationships and to explain how the process of letting go can actually increase the chances of getting back together. The focus is on the distinction between love and attachment, and how understanding this difference can fundamentally alter one's approach to relationships, especially after a breakup.

05:02

🔒 Breaking the Chains of Attachment Post-Breakup

The speaker delves into the concept of attachment versus love, explaining that while love is about freedom and allowing things to be, attachment is about possession and control. The paragraph discusses how attachment can lead to behaviors that push an ex further away and also alienate oneself from personal growth. It uses the metaphor of trying to capture natural forces like the ocean or wind to illustrate the futility of trying to possess something that is meant to be free. The speaker shares a personal story of attachment in a past relationship, highlighting the insecurity and possessiveness that can arise from this mindset.

10:02

🛤️ Embracing the Path of Personal Growth After a Breakup

This paragraph continues the theme of personal development post-breakup, using the metaphor of a fork in the road to describe the diverging paths of two people after a relationship ends. It discusses the importance of walking one's own path and the potential for growth and self-discovery that comes from doing so. The speaker argues that by moving forward and embracing change, one becomes a more authentic and attractive person, which could pave the way for a healthier relationship in the future, whether with the ex or someone new.

15:04

🚀 The Power of Authenticity and Moving Forward

The final paragraph wraps up the video script by emphasizing the power of authenticity and the courage to move forward after a breakup. It suggests that by letting go of the past and embracing one's own journey, an individual can become more attractive not just to an ex but to others and to themselves. The speaker reflects on their own breakup experience, expressing gratitude for the growth and self-discovery that resulted from it. The paragraph concludes with an invitation for viewers to seek further guidance through one-on-one coaching and additional resources, and a reminder to like and subscribe for more content.

Keywords

💡Counterintuitive

The term 'counterintuitive' refers to something that is contrary to what one would expect. In the context of the video, it is used to describe the surprising idea that to get an ex back, one should stop trying to do so. This concept challenges the conventional approach to reconciliation, suggesting that letting go can paradoxically increase the chances of reconnection.

💡Letting Go

Letting go is the act of releasing one's hold on something or someone, especially when it is painful to do so. The video emphasizes the power of letting go as a means to move forward after a breakup. It is presented as a way to reestablish contact with oneself and to stop clinging to the past, which is crucial for personal growth and potentially for the health of any future relationship.

💡Attachment

Attachment, in the video, is described as a form of possessiveness that stems from insecurity and the desire for psychological security. It is contrasted with love, which is presented as free and life-giving. The script illustrates how attachment can lead to behaviors that push an ex further away, such as trying to make them jealous or seeking constant validation.

💡Love

Love, as discussed in the video, is portrayed as an unconditional and freeing emotion, distinct from attachment. It is associated with allowing things to be as they are, without the need to possess or control them. The video suggests that true love involves accepting change and not clinging to past states of affairs.

💡No Contact Rule

The no contact rule is a strategy often recommended after a breakup, which involves cutting off all communication with an ex. The video explains that it is not about playing games or being indifferent but rather about giving oneself the space to heal and rediscover one's own identity outside of the relationship.

💡Authentic Contact

Authentic contact refers to the reconnection with one's true self after a period of being lost in a relationship or its aftermath. The video suggests that the no contact rule is not just about stopping communication with an ex but more importantly about establishing this genuine connection with oneself, which is essential for personal development.

💡Inner Psychological Security

Inner psychological security is the sense of safety and self-worth that comes from within, as opposed to being dependent on external validation. The script discusses how attachment often arises from a lack of this inner security, leading individuals to cling to relationships as a means to bolster their sense of self-worth.

💡Freedom

Freedom, in the context of the video, is associated with love and the ability to let things evolve naturally without the need to control them. It is contrasted with attachment, which is characterized by possessiveness and a desire to restrict the autonomy of the loved object or person.

💡Addiction

The term 'addiction' is used metaphorically in the video to describe the intense dependency one may feel towards a relationship or an ex-partner. It likens the process of letting go to overcoming an addiction, highlighting the difficulty and the profound sense of loss that can accompany the end of a significant relationship.

💡Self-Worth

Self-worth, as discussed in the script, pertains to the intrinsic value and acceptance of oneself, independent of external relationships or validation. The video suggests that attachment can be a sign of low self-worth, as individuals may rely on others to feel valued or complete.

💡Growth

Growth in the video refers to personal development and the process of becoming a fuller, more authentic version of oneself. It is presented as a natural outcome of letting go and moving on from a relationship, allowing individuals to evolve and potentially form healthier relationships in the future.

Highlights

The counterintuitive approach to getting an ex back is to stop trying altogether, which may seem bizarre but is effective.

Letting go and moving on can be the most powerful move after a breakup.

Common misconceptions about getting an ex back are likely incorrect; the video discusses a counterintuitive process.

The crucial difference between love and attachment is a key to understanding relationships.

The no contact rule is not about playing hard to get but about reestablishing authentic contact with oneself.

Breakups are not about missing the ex but the person you were and how you felt when you were with them.

Attachment is often mistaken for love, but they are almost opposites.

True love allows something to be itself, whereas attachment tries to possess and control it.

Attachment can lead to behaviors that push an ex further away and also distance you from yourself.

The no contact rule helps in stepping into the truth that the attachment does not define us.

Attachment can be like an addiction, where the absence of a partner feels like a loss of self-worth.

The power of no contact is in allowing oneself to authentically be without the attachment.

Letting go can increase the chances of getting back together with an ex, but as different and more developed people.

The video advocates for no contact not to manipulate but to genuinely let go and move forward.

The speaker shares a personal story of attachment and how it affected his relationship and personal growth.

Attachment can blind us to the reality of a situation and our true feelings.

The video emphasizes the importance of self-love and personal growth after a breakup.

The opportunity post-breakup is to discover a deeper truth that empowers you beyond your past self.

The video concludes with the idea that letting go and moving on can lead to personal growth and potentially a better future relationship.

Transcripts

what if the key to getting your ex back

was counterintuitively to stop trying

all together sounds kind of bizarre

right but it's true and in the next few

minutes I'll show you why letting go and

moving on might be your most powerful

move in this video we are going to talk

about why everything you might think you

know about getting your ex back is

probably wrong and the counterintuitive

process by which Letting Go makes it

more likely that we get things back and

we are going to discuss the crucial

difference between love and attachment

and how understanding this relationship

can fundamentally change your

relationships now if you're watching

this chances are you are probably going

through one of the more painful moments

of your entire life through the

sleepless nights and the constant

checking your phone and the anxiety and

the thinking are they dating somebody

else am I ever going to see them again

will my life ever be the same it's

exhausting trust me I've been there but

here's the crazy Paradox when we are

acting from that energy date almost

everything we do has an unintended

effect we try to bring people back to us

we end up pushing them further away and

more importantly it pushes us further

away from ourselves because here's the

thing about breakups that nobody ever

talks about it's not really your ex that

you miss it's who you were and how you

felt while you were with them and that

is the real secret of the no contact

rule it's not about playing hard to get

it's not about faking like you don't

care anymore and it's

really less about stopping contact with

your ex that's part of it but it's more

about reestablishing authentic contact

with yourself there seems to be a

fundamental breakdown in our culture

when it comes to what letting go really

is about what holding on really is about

and this comes down to love and

attachment we very frequently mistake

these two things for being the same

thing but they are actually almost

opposites when you really look at it it

sounds almost overly simplistic to just

say well if you love something then let

it go because that saying has just kind

of been beaten to death everybody's

heard it a million times but if you

think about it for a second when you

love something you might not need to let

it go but what you do need to do is let

it be itself for instance if you love a

mountain or you love the Ocean or you

love the feeling of the wind on your

face and you try to capture that thing

and make it yours you try to possess

that natural force you put it in a jar

and now you have a jar of dirt or water

or a jar of air this is where attachment

comes in attachment is the idea that I

have felt love now I want this for me

nobody else I'm going to keep it in a

jar the jar of water is no longer the

ocean right the jar of air is no longer

the wind that which you you loved the

essence is killed by the attempt to

possess it now it might sound like I'm

getting kind of esoteric here so let's

anchor this back in practicality for the

moment attachment is where I am basing

my worth on this thing now if this

relationship falls apart I feel as if I

have lost a part of me when you do

things like try to make your ex jealous

stock them on social media you can't get

them out of your mind you can't move on

if we look at the difference between

love which is freedom life and then we

look at attachment which tends to be

possessive clinging what about me comes

from insecurity and the desire to

establish a sort of inner psychological

security we can see that most of the

time our Behavior post breakup if we're

having a bit of an anxiety induced

crisis it is attachment not truly love

so how does this connect to no contact

well I'm glad you asked the connection

is is that typically the attachment we

have is almost like an addiction we are

desperate for that validation affection

whatever we were getting from this

partner is gone cut off and we say no I

want that back as soon as possible I'm

going to die without that that might not

actually be true but that is the inner

feeling when that attachment that we

have been depending on is wrenched away

so the power of no Conta is that it

allows us to step authentically into the

truth which is that that attachment does

not define us it's not actually true

that we're going to die without this

person even though and this is of course

why it's hard it may feel very much so

like we are going to die without that

person real life changes things that you

love change if you love them and want

them to stay the same it is because you

are attached to them if you truly love

something then it changing is not really

a problem because you love the essence

of the thing but if you love a specific

expression of the thing the way it was

in the past and you want that back for

your own psychological security I was

happier when you were this way or when

things were like that then what you're

really asking is this thing to not be

itself for your own psychological

security as an example I was in a

relationship sh with this girl who I

very deeply liked I at the time would

have said I was in love with this girl

now I realize I was an attachment with

this girl and I will tell you why when

our relationship started she was going

through a lot of transitional periods

some rough times and I got to be sort of

the emotional support system I deeply

enjoyed that role it made me feel needed

made me feel like I got to be the

superhero right so after we've been

dating for several months she got a new

job and in her new job she was so much

happier and if I truly loved

her that would have been fine right I

would have been

excited no I was attached I was insecure

about her happiness because I saw my

role in this relationship as being

threatened now her new happiness she

didn't need me as an emotional support

system what was I going to do to prove

my worth I could not love because I was

attached I could not be happy for her

happiness which is terrible when you

think about it because I was so lost in

my own anxiety my own insecurity there's

the saying that love is blind and I very

strongly disagree with that but I do

think that attachment is incredibly

blind and that is why attachment to

these people attachment to the ideas of

your ex the ideas of who you were with

your ex and the story you told yourself

about yourself when you were with your

ex these are the root of pains when it

comes to breakups why we can't move on

why we feel like we're stuck on this

person we're not stuck on the person at

all because the person is the living

thing that we would love the living

thing that has moved on what we are

stuck on is the dead thing we thought we

had on our Shelf and somebody took we

say no no no I had that in my shelf of

Dependable things you can't touch that

leave it there I don't want anybody to

mess with it and because our society is

so wrapped up in a attachment so wrapped

up in these things that we want deeply

because we think they're going to change

the way we feel about ourselves we tend

to get no contact wrong because we

approach it from the Avenue of

attachment we say act like you don't

want your ex back anymore play hard to

get Ghost them on social media post a

bunch of pictures of you hanging out

with your friends they're going to want

you they're going to think you're more

exciting and that might be true but what

you're actually doing is you're playing

on the other person's in

insecurities because of your own

insecurities and it's incredibly

disingenuous so I do not advocate for no

contact from the perspective of I want

to manipulate this person to get them

back in my life to go back to the way

things were I advocate not going back to

the way things were because right now

you are dealing with the separation

pains from the way things were like an

addict you were going going through

withdrawals of how things were even if

things were good in your mind the very

fact that you cannot live without them

without being miserable shows that at

best these things were slightly covering

up some things that you could work on

and at worst were literally the very

things holding up your life and now that

they're gone you feel like your life is

over that is a wrong idea it is just

practically not true you were fine

before you met this person you might not

think of it that way now but there were

times in your life before you had this

person and you were fine you were happy

you had friends you were great now

there's a new story that says okay yeah

sure but it'll never be like that again

without them it's the same way you feel

if you're addicted to something I won't

be able to survive without it how could

I cope how could I make it it's not true

but it is a very strong feeling and thus

the reason that Letting Go going no

contact moving on from a relationship

that you're hung up on is so powerful is

it is like stopping your addiction at

the same time this does actually

increase the chances of you getting back

together with your ex and we're going to

talk about why as we go through this

next section because see the opportunity

that is granted to you post breakup when

the addiction as it were when these

patterns this attachment becomes so

obvious you've been attached to this

thing that is not you and now you say

well who am I that feels very scary and

trust me I've been there I felt the

complete destruction of who I thought I

was and it sucks so if you're there I I

do feel for you genuinely but know that

this is the opportunity for you to go

deeper and discover the deeper truth

that empowers you beyond who you used to

think you were and this is why going no

contact is is one of the best things you

can do for both you and your ex and the

potential future relationship together

because you allow both of yourselves to

be new people to change to develop into

once again that not an idea on your

shelf but to a new living person with a

new story and this is the mistake that

most people make that going no contact

is designed to fix imagine you are

walking through the forest right your

your life is this forest and you've been

walking with this person for however

long and you've reached a fork in the

road and this person's going one way and

you feel yourself being pulled to go the

other way that's challenging I don't

mean to minimize that right I I feel the

pain of being in that space and having

these attachments revealed for what they

are but the power of going no contact is

this right so if we are clinging if we

are constantly checking up on them if

we're constantly texting them saying hey

I wish you I want you back how are you

doing like let's hang out if you're

constantly following them on social

media like obsessing over them what's

happening is they are walking down their

path and you were standing at the fork

of this road saying hey come back come

back come back refusing to go down your

path that's what's happening we're

saying no I refuse I'm not going to go

anywhere I'm staying here I'm so

miserable I would rather stay here I

can't do it I can't go by myself it's

not going to work out can't do it I'm

just going to stay here and say hey come

back please please come back while the

other person is walking away now I don't

mean to minimize how painful this is

right because I have literally done this

the opportunity is for us to start to

walk down that New Path and see what

happens and to realize that if we boldly

embrace our new path and we accept we

might not love it we might not be happy

with it but we can

say I gave it my best shot this is where

I'm at now let's see what happens next

instead of looking in the rearview

mirror saying that was better I want

that back oh I want that back the power

that that gives us is that at some

Junction in the future those paths might

meet up again but the way we will

rekindle this relationship with our ex

is if we are different people if you've

gone on your own Journey you've become

your own person you have new stories to

tell you have new opportunities to

reconnect with this person it's not I

wish we could go back but it's look how

this new relationship can come together

not because I stood at the intersection

yelling for you to come back but because

I boldly went my own way and that made

me more attractive and not attractive in

just sort of like a face value Skin Deep

type way but authentically attractive

because you accepted your own self you

have to in order to go through this

process that's what makes other people

more connected to you that's what makes

you more able to genuinely be vulnerable

with other people as well and a little

bit of an internal exercise you can do

that I have done and found very

challenging yet freeing is to imagine

that you are at that fork in the road

you're at that why and your partner is

going their own way look at yourself and

see what parts of you what beliefs what

stories you're telling yourself that are

stuck at that Junction saying I need

that I want that back I oh I'm going to

fall apart if I don't have that and have

the inner courage to

say I have to go this way there's a path

that diverges and my path whether it

merges back in the future or not not

sure but I have to go this way right now

because that is what reality is telling

you they may converge again at the

future and you might meet each other new

more develop people and be able to

reconnect but if not that's okay too

because you will have a fuller

appreciation for who this person is

becoming on their journey and who you

are becoming on your journey we talked

earlier about how if you love something

you have to set it free and that goes

for yourself too you have to set both of

you free at this Junction and say my

path will lead me here maybe that might

well be the Catalyst for a new

relationship ship with this person in

the future it may well help you get your

ex back it's going to help you get your

ex back better than almost anything else

will but only if you're able to

authentically embody it if you are able

to depart from that attachment and have

love for the potential of your partner

in the future for their decisions for

your decisions and for yourself for your

right to be who you are to change to

experience to make mistakes to screw

things up and not have it be the end of

the world

and to meet new people maybe to meet old

people who knows but you will never know

as long as you're stuck at that Junction

refusing to move forward give yourself

the grace and have the courage to dust

yourself off and go through that next

PATH isolated from the other person

isolated from that safety blanket from

those attachments because only then can

we truly begin to see things more

clearly and only then can we truly begin

to love maybe not the exact presentation

of how we thought this was going to go

but I will tell you I now love the

experience of the breakup I had with

that girl because it destroyed me but

only through that destruction was I able

to truly see was I able to truly embody

so much more of my own energy and let so

many things that I thought I had to

carry go I never in a million years

would would have thought that I would be

grateful for this breakup if you asked

me at the time I would have said no I

want anything but this breakup I want to

spend the rest of my life with this

person but now the best thing that I

believe has ever happened for me was

that breakup because it has allowed me

to see and only Having the courage to

walk forward and go along my own path

and to say you know what I have to let

this person go I have to go down my path

that is what has moved my life forward

and that is what will move your life

forward as well and that is the true

power of going no contact and how it

will make you more attractive

potentially to your ex at a future

Junction definitely to other people and

most importantly it will bring you back

in line with yourself with your

authentic energy this can be a very

challenging Arena to navigate if you're

freshly out of a breakup trying to

embody these principles but you're like

kind of lost you don't know what to do

if you have more questions I do offer

one-on-one coaching you can find a link

in the description I'm very passionate

about talking about these things helping

guide people offering Reflections and

just a safe place to be themselves and

talk through this stuff additionally I

do have a couple more videos you might

want to check out so if you want to know

where these inner wounds come from why

we can feel so broken and try to

compensate then check out this video

right here on inner child wounds and

where they come from and if you want to

know more about why it is that we tend

so often to chase other people to fill

that void why that void exists then

check out this video right here on why

people who are afraid of being left who

are afraid of being abandoned are

actually abandoning themselves aside

from that thank you so much for watching

don't forget to like And subscribe we

will see you next time bye-bye