The Science of Receiving Feedback: Mentor Workshop Introduction | Big Think

Summary

The transcript discusses the challenges and dynamics of feedback in various settings, including personal relationships and workplaces. While most efforts focus on teaching people how to give feedback, the real leverage lies in how we receive and process it. Feedback touches on two core human needs: the desire to improve and the need for acceptance. Effective feedback reception can enhance learning, strengthen relationships, and boost satisfaction. The skill of receiving feedback, particularly negative feedback, is essential for personal growth, marital stability, and successful parenting.

Takeaways

• 🤔 Feedback conversations are often dreaded and dismissed, whether in personal or professional settings.
• 🧠 The typical response to ineffective feedback is teaching givers how to provide it better, but this might not be the right approach.
• 🔄 The focus should shift to the receiver, who controls what feedback they take in and how they choose to act on it.
• 💡 Effective feedback isn't about how skillful the giver is, but about the receiver's ability to make sense of it.
• 💬 People have a conflicted relationship with feedback because it touches on two core human needs: the need to grow and the need to be accepted as they are.
• 😓 Negative feedback can be painful and damaging if delivered poorly, but it can also be invaluable for growth when delivered well.
• 🌱 Learning to receive feedback is a critical skill that enhances personal and professional growth.
• 📈 Research shows that people who actively seek out constructive feedback adapt more quickly and perform better in their roles.
• ❤️ In personal relationships, particularly marriage, being open to feedback is key to long-term happiness and stability.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 As parents, demonstrating how to handle feedback and criticism can teach children valuable life lessons.

Q & A

Why are feedback conversations often dreaded or dismissed?

Feedback conversations are often dreaded or dismissed because they can be uncomfortable, whether it's in a family, social, or organizational setting. People may feel vulnerable or defensive when receiving feedback, especially when it comes unsolicited or is delivered poorly.

What is the common approach to making feedback more effective, according to the transcript?

The common approach is to teach feedback givers how to give feedback more skillfully and persistently. Organizations often train managers to improve their feedback delivery, and individuals wait for the 'perfect' feedback giver whose opinion they value.

What shift in focus does the speaker suggest regarding feedback?

The speaker suggests shifting the focus from teaching feedback givers to teaching receivers how to process and act on feedback. The receiver controls what they take in, how they interpret it, and whether they choose to change based on the feedback.

Why does the speaker believe the receiver holds the real power in feedback conversations?

The speaker believes that the receiver holds the real power because they are the ones who decide what to accept and how to make sense of the feedback. No matter how skillful or authoritative the giver is, it's the receiver's response that determines the effectiveness of the feedback.

What are the two core human needs mentioned in the transcript, and how do they relate to feedback?

The two core human needs are the need to learn and grow, and the need to be accepted and respected as we are. Feedback triggers a conflict between these needs because it suggests we're not okay as we are, even though we have a natural drive to improve.

Why do people sometimes love feedback and other times hate it?

People have a conflicted relationship with feedback because it sits at the intersection of wanting to grow and improve, but also wanting to be accepted as they are. Positive feedback can feel exhilarating, while negative feedback can feel painful and unfair.

How does becoming better at receiving feedback impact one's life?

Becoming better at receiving feedback improves performance in various areas of life, including work and personal relationships. Research shows that people who solicit negative feedback adapt more quickly to new roles, get higher performance reviews, and report greater satisfaction.

What does research on marriage reveal about feedback?

Research on marriage, particularly by John Gottman, shows that a spouse’s willingness to take input or coaching from their partner is a key indicator of a happy, stable marriage. Even though many people find their partner’s complaints annoying, the willingness to hear them is crucial for relationship stability.

How can parents model a positive response to feedback for their children?

Parents can model a positive response to feedback by showing how they handle criticism or setbacks in their own lives. For example, how they deal with work criticism or feedback from a family member will have a stronger impact on how their children respond to challenges than lectures or direct lessons.

What is the importance of soliciting negative feedback at work?

Soliciting negative feedback at work is important because it accelerates learning, improves performance, and positively changes how others perceive you. People who ask for constructive criticism adapt more quickly to new roles and report higher job satisfaction.