A Dating Coach - That Library Show

Summary

The video script is a candid and humorous conversation exploring various aspects of relationships, dating, and personal insecurities. It delves into topics such as the importance of communication in intimacy, the myth of 'short guys being better in bed,' and the challenges of maintaining a business relationship with romantic interests. The dialogue humorously navigates through personal anecdotes, societal expectations, and the complexities of modern dating, offering insights and advice on everything from texting etiquette to the art of kissing.

Takeaways

• 😄 Fart compatibility is considered important in relationships, and it's something that can be negotiated.
• 😅 There's a humorous discussion on the height misconceptions and the notion that 'short guys are good in bed' due to their effort.
• 🤔 A conversation on self-consciousness in bed, and the desire to be perceived as good in bed for personal validation.
• 😉 The importance of quiet confidence in giving off 'tall guy vibes' and the misconception that cockiness is attractive.
• 😳 A candid discussion about trust issues and the decision to cut off a relationship when discovering the other person is married.
• 🧘‍♀️ The concept that successful texting starts with meditation to reduce anxiety and increase self-esteem.
• 💬 The advice against sending a second text too soon, as it may be driven by anxiety rather than genuine interest.
• 💰 A cautionary note on misinterpreting friendliness for romantic interest, especially in service situations.
• 💋 The suggestion of a 'no kissing for three months' dating rule to focus on emotional connection beyond physical attraction.
• 🤝 The emphasis on the importance of communication in relationships, especially regarding personal preferences and boundaries.
• 🙅‍♂️ A strong stance against cheating in relationships, highlighting the inevitability of getting caught and the resulting hurt.

Q & A

What is the importance of 'fart compatibility factor' as discussed in the script?

The 'fart compatibility factor' is humorously mentioned as an important aspect of a relationship, indicating that being comfortable with each other's natural bodily functions can be a sign of a relaxed and open relationship.

How does the script suggest to handle the situation when people expect you to be shorter based on your online presence?

The script suggests responding with 'that's too bad' and implying that 'short guys are really good in bed,' humorously turning the expectation into a positive stereotype.

What is the advice given for someone who feels they are not being perceived as attractive due to their height?

The advice given is to develop a quiet confidence, which is suggested to be more appealing than being overtly cocky, and to avoid the misconception that one must be physically imposing to be attractive.

How does the script address the issue of trust issues in relationships?

The script implies that trust issues can be a barrier in forming relationships, as exemplified by the character who cuts off a budding relationship upon learning the other person is married, due to their fear of getting hurt.

What is the perspective on texting and relationships as portrayed in the script?

The script humorously suggests that texting in relationships should start with meditation to manage one's stress, fear, and anxiety, rather than obsessing over the response time of the other person.

What is the script's take on the idea of 'body count' in the context of relationships?

The script posits that 'body count' does not define a person, emphasizing that who one has been with in the past is not a reflection of their character or worth.

How does the script discuss the topic of infidelity?

The script discourages cheating by stating that it will inevitably hurt the partner and that it's better to be honest about one's desires rather than betraying trust.

What is the script's stance on the importance of communication in relationships?

The script highlights the importance of communication, especially when it comes to personal preferences and boundaries, suggesting that open dialogue can prevent misunderstandings and enhance intimacy.

How does the script handle the topic of self-consciousness about one's physical appearance during intimate moments?

The script suggests that self-consciousness is common but should not dictate one's actions or happiness in a relationship. It encourages individuals to be open about their insecurities and to seek reassurances or adjustments as needed.

What advice does the script provide for someone who is unsure about their role in a relationship or their partner's intentions?

The script advises focusing on actions rather than words, emphasizing that consistent behavior over time is a truer indicator of someone's feelings and intentions in a relationship.

How does the script deal with the topic of personal responsibility and self-improvement in relationships?

The script encourages personal responsibility and self-improvement by suggesting that individuals should work on themselves and not rely solely on external validation or the actions of their partners.

Outlines

00:00

😄 Casual Conversation and Personal Impressions

The conversation starts with a light-hearted and candid discussion about personal habits, specifically farting, and how it can be a humorous and relatable topic. It transitions into a comparison of personal height and expectations versus reality, with a humorous twist on stereotypes about short men being good in bed. The speakers also touch on the importance of effort in relationships and the superficiality of good looks, leading to a deeper conversation about self-consciousness and the desire to be perceived as good in bed.

05:02

😅 Texting Anxiety and the Art of Patience

This paragraph delves into the anxiety that can arise from texting and waiting for a response. The speaker humorously suggests that texting should start with meditation to reduce stress and increase self-esteem, which can help in avoiding the urge to send a second text out of anxiety. The conversation also explores the dynamics of perceived flirting, particularly in professional settings like restaurants, and the importance of distinguishing genuine interest from professional courtesy.

10:02

😉 The Dilemma of Mixing Business with Pleasure

The speakers discuss the complexities of transitioning from a professional to a personal relationship, using the metaphor of not wanting to 'poop on your dining room table.' They explore the potential risks and rewards of such a transition, including the impact on self-esteem and the importance of communication. The paragraph also touches on the speaker's discomfort with the idea of dating someone in a particular industry, reflecting on personal insecurities and the importance of compatibility in relationships.

15:04

😳 Intimacy and Communication in Relationships

This paragraph focuses on the importance of communication in intimate relationships, discussing how to express preferences and dislikes without ruining the moment. It includes a humorous example of how to communicate dislikes during a kiss and the value of showing affection before moving to more intimate acts. The speakers also discuss personal experiences and insecurities, emphasizing the need for open and honest communication to build trust and compatibility.

20:04

😏 Personal Standards and Relationship Expectations

The conversation takes a turn towards evaluating personal traits and behaviors in relationships. The speakers engage in a quiz-like exchange to assess values and attitudes towards commitment, jealousy, generosity, and responsibility. The paragraph highlights the importance of self-awareness and the recognition that personal growth may be necessary for a healthy relationship. It also touches on the concept of 'outsourcing' responsibilities and the potential implications for personal growth and relationship dynamics.

25:05

😕 The Struggle with Love, Interest, and Reality

The speakers discuss the complexities of love and interest, exploring the difference between words and actions in relationships. They emphasize the importance of recognizing patterns of behavior and not being misled by initial impressions. The conversation also addresses the difficulty of letting go of relationships and the tendency to create fantasies that prevent moving on. The paragraph concludes with a metaphorical 'Castle in the Sky' to illustrate the struggle with unrealistic expectations in relationships.

😈 Ethical Dilemmas and the Consequences of Actions

In a more provocative turn, the paragraph presents a hypothetical scenario where the speaker contemplates cheating on their girlfriend. The conversation explores the ethical implications and the likelihood of being discovered, emphasizing the importance of honesty and integrity in relationships. It also touches on the idea of experiencing different 'cars' before settling down, suggesting that personal exploration is important before committing to a long-term relationship.

Keywords

💡Fart compatibility

The term 'fart compatibility' humorously refers to the shared comfort or mutual understanding between individuals, particularly in intimate relationships, regarding the social acceptability of passing gas. In the video, it is mentioned as an important factor in the relationship, indicating the level of comfort and openness between partners, as seen in the dialogue where characters express their enjoyment of farting and find it funny.

💡Height perception

The concept of 'height perception' relates to how individuals are judged or perceive themselves based on their physical stature. In the script, it is discussed in the context of the speaker being taller than some people expected, leading to a discussion about societal expectations and personal identity, such as the phrases 'short guy vibes' and the speaker's desire to give off 'tall guy vibes'.

💡Meditation

Meditation, in the context of the video, is presented as a method to reduce stress, fear, and anxiety, particularly in the realm of dating and communication. It is humorously suggested that texting starts with meditation, emphasizing the importance of a calm and self-assured mindset before engaging in interactions that may induce anxiety, such as sending a second text message.

💡Cocky

'Cocky' is used in the script to describe an overconfident demeanor that is suggested as a way to project a certain image or vibe, in this case, of being a 'tall guy.' The term is discussed in contrast to quiet confidence, indicating that while self-assurance is positive, an excessively boastful attitude may not be as appealing.

💡Stripping

The term 'stripping' is used in the script to describe the occupation of one of the characters, which is a form of adult entertainment involving the removal of clothing to music. It serves as a backdrop for the character's story of meeting her partner, highlighting the unexpected places and ways relationships can form.

💡Texting etiquette

Texting etiquette refers to the social norms and expectations governing the act of sending and receiving text messages, especially in the context of dating. The script discusses the anxiety that can arise from not receiving a reply and the advice against sending a second text immediately, suggesting a need for patience and self-assurance in digital communication.

💡Flirting

Flirting is a playful and subtle form of communication that can indicate romantic or sexual interest. In the video, it is discussed in the context of distinguishing genuine interest from behavior that may be motivated by financial incentives, such as a server being friendly to earn a better tip.

💡Affection

Affection in the video is tied to the idea of emotional and physical closeness in relationships. The 'no kissing for three months dating rule' mentioned is a concept that aims to prioritize emotional connection over physical intimacy, suggesting that genuine affection should be established before progressing to more intimate behaviors.

💡Insecurity

Insecurity is a feeling of unease or self-doubt, often stemming from a perceived inadequacy. In the script, it is discussed in various contexts, including the speaker's concern about their height and the impact on their dating life, as well as their worry about the size of their genitalia and its potential effect on sexual performance.

💡Communication

Communication is the process of sharing and exchanging information, ideas, or feelings. The video emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication in relationships, especially when discussing personal preferences and boundaries, as seen in the advice to talk about preferences in kissing and the suggestion to address personal hygiene concerns.

💡Responsibility

Responsibility refers to the state or fact of being accountable for one's actions. In the script, it is discussed in the context of personal behavior in relationships, including taking on additional work to get ahead and being financially responsible. It is also tied to the idea of not outsourcing personal responsibilities, such as 'daddy responsibilities,' unless it is a matter of outsourcing tasks for efficiency.

Highlights

The importance of fart compatibility in relationships is humorously discussed.

Farting can be negotiated in a relationship, showing compromise and communication.

Surprise in physical appearance, specifically height, leads to a discussion on expectations versus reality.

The concept of 'short guy vibes' and its impact on online perceptions is explored.

A humorous take on the stereotype that shorter men are better in bed due to compensating effort.

The value of self-consciousness in striving for excellence, even in intimate situations.

A debate on whether performance in bed should be self-focused or aimed at the partner's pleasure.

The role of confidence, specifically 'quiet confidence', in projecting a 'tall guy vibe'.

Anecdotes from a stripper's perspective on finding love in unexpected places.

The dilemma of pursuing a relationship with someone who is already married, and the decision to end it.

The unconventional advice that texting should start with meditation to manage anxiety and increase self-esteem.

The misconception that flirting at a professional level, such as by a server, is personal interest.

The 'no kissing for three months' dating rule to focus on emotional connection beyond physical attraction.

A personal account of the emotional response to holding hands, highlighting the importance of affection.

The importance of communication in sexual relationships, especially regarding preferences and dislikes.

A discussion on the discomfort of sharing a partner and the comparison to toddlers' aversion to sharing.

The suggestion to watch women-directed adult content to learn about female pleasure and performance.

A humorous approach to discussing insecurities about genital size and the idea of preparing a partner with a drawing.

The debate on the appropriateness of initiating physical intimacy and the importance of consent.

A character trait test to evaluate relationship compatibility and the importance of self-awareness.

The advice against cheating in a relationship, emphasizing the inevitability of getting caught and the harm it causes.

Transcripts

I'm gonna go pee.

Okay.

And then we'll start,

it's filming but like,

the whole thing is edited

and s***, so...

Like you--

You can like fart or whatever you want.

Oh, I love farting.

Me too!

Farts are funny!

Yeah.

Thank you.

Listen...

the fart compatibility factor...

is so important.

You can negotiate farting, by the way.

I negotiated it with my husband.

Am I taller than you expected?

Yes, actually.

Really?

Yeah, have people told you that?

Yeah.

So do you think all the...

girls that message me online,

saying that I give off...

“short guy vibes”

Do they say that?

Only a...

Only a thousand.

That would be so mean...

That would be very mean.

Whenever people meet me in public,

they always say,

“wow, you're a lot taller than I expected.”

What should I be doing...

Say thank you,

you should say thank you.

But like,

what if I want people to...

Think... Like, should I walk around

with a measuring tape?

or like what do I...?

Um...

You know, what you should say is uh,

“that's too bad.”

“Because...”

“Short guys are really good in bed.”

But I'm not short.

They can make the assumption

you're really good in bed.

Short guys are good in bed?

They are!

yes!

yes! ctrl+v

Why is that?

Well, the smaller the man,

the more effort made.

Is that like factual?...

It’s VERY true.

Like guys with a small peens...

are amazing in bed.

Small what?

Because they put in the effort, right?

Yeah.

Here's the thing,

really good looking guys are the worst.

They're the worst...

to have fun with*

Really?

Yes.

Because they count on it.

They count on you being blinded

by their looks.

What do--

what's your impression of...

on how I am.

I haven't tried you.

Sorry?

I haven't tried you.

If...

Without trying me...

Here's the question,

are you conscientious?

I don't know what that means.

When you do something,

do you want to make sure you do it right

every time?

Oh, yeah.

I'm super--

I’m-- I think I'm good in bed,

because I'm super self conscious.

Okay.

If the girl that I'm sleeping with

leaves that scenario not thinking like,

“Derek’s really good!”

I'm gonna hate myself.

Right.

As you should.

But is that like, a healthy way?

Like, shouldn't I want

the girl to feel good,

because I want her to feel good,

and not because of...

how I--

how it's gonna make me feel?

Okay.

Let me ask you this.

When you have employment somewhere.

Yep.

And you do a good job at your job.

Are you doing it so that the company views you favorably?

Yeah.

Exactly.

Long story short,

I want to give off tall guy vibes.

Erm, okay, so...

How do I do that?

You'd have to be...

Cocky.

I think that's what it is...

Cocky.

Okay.

You're confident,

but it's a quiet

confidence.

Like...

*gestures in tall*

but it's, I mean that's not better,

I'm just saying.

Like that?

It's not better.

Cocky is not better.

Like that?

Do you know my husband won me over?

I want to know.

By being confident.

How did you stumble into him?

How did I what?

How did you stumble into him?

I was a stripper for 20 years.

Okay.

Yeah.

And he was my customer

for two and half...

He saw me.

He went,

“Something about that girl...”

So step one to find your man.

Step one to find your man...

Become a stripper.

Don't look for a man.

Don't look for a man.

Don't look for a man.

I recently stumbled into somebody

on the SkyTrain,

Okay.

who pursued me.

And I was so excited,

Because they were a little bit older.

They were looking for something casual,

because I'm like a... broken.

I have so much baggage that

they won't even let me on the plane.

Yeah.

But then after a week of us chatting,

she told me she was married.

Okay, now...

I understand the dilemma.

Yeah.

Uhm...

I understand the dilemma.

So what did you do?

I cut it off.

You did?

Yeah.

Because I'm not trying to have some...

psycho man wanting to...

Knocking on your door.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

I already have trust issues,

like really bad trust issues,

so...

*sighs in short*

Okay, but let's talk about you.

So I have not read your books,

because I wanted to get...

I didn't want to know

your answers to these things.

I want to hear what you have to say.

Okay.

Because I noticed you had a chapter in

one of your books about texting.

Yes.

And I think a lot of viewers worry about

stuff like,

okay...

They haven't texted me back

in four hours.

Right, yeah.

I really want to send that...

Second text.

SO...

No, no.

And it's like...

no?

Here's the thing.

Okay.

Texting doesn't start with texting.

Texting starts with meditation.

That sounds so difficult.

Oh, why do you say closing your eyes

for 10 minutes and doing nothing is hard?

Here's the thing,

a lot of people tell themselves meditation

is thinking nothing for 10 minutes.

That's bulls***.

That's bulls***?

That's bulls***!

Okay.

It's bringing your thoughts back.

And even if your thoughts are back

for a fraction of a second,

does a fraction of $1,

when you add fractions,

eventually lead up to $1?

Yes.

So the fractions count.

Ahh.

So every time you bring your focus back,

you're changing your...

We’re trying to meditate...

bitch.

I'm sorry.

Right.

If texting starts with meditation,

you reduce your stress, fear and anxiety

and increase your self esteem.

You're not sending out that second text,

because you're anxious that they're

not that into you.

Yeah.

Okay.

So if texting starts with meditation,

Meditation!...

what does ;)ting start with?

Uh, pictures.

And then videos.

And a scenario that I want to

bring up with you,

because you're a dating coach.

I am.

I was at a restaurant the other day.

And the server was like,

really into me.

She was...

smiling a lot.

She was laughing at all my jokes.

She was asking if, like, I was okay.

Mhm.

Then I asked for her number.

Okay.

And she said no.

Right.

She wasn't into you...

She was into her tip.

If you think somebody's flirting...

I was hoping she was into my tip.

No.

No? okay.

So...

If you THINK

someone's flirting with you.

Yeah.

Ask yourself, is there money involved?

If there's money involved

that may go her way,

she might be earning her money.

Ahh.

So if the server was actually into me,

what do you think would have been the thing

that I can look for?

The touch?

Touch.

Touch is a big indicator.

Yeah, but if she touched me,

the tip would have gone up by like,

5%...

Oh, probably

yes of course,

cause you know,

boys are easy.

I'm so--

I give off such short guy energy,

I can just feel it every time I talk now.

So my thing is the no kissing

for three months dating rule.

I have heard of this rule.

Because we're not trying to reel them in

with sexuality.

Because we're not looking for hookups.

We're looking for people who

see beyond the fun.

Of course, I'm gorgeous.

Of course you want to hop on me for

your 10 second seizure.

Okay,

I know that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But do you like me?

Yeah.

That's what I need to find out.

You know what,

I've always had the problem of

I just straight up cannot...

have...

fun

with somebody I don't like.

Okay.

Like, my peen just doesn't

work if I don't...

Okay.

Have some sort of,

but that's like,

kind of annoying sometimes.

I mean, if you're looking for casual stuff,

then it can get in your way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So...

But is that, is it wrong

to want casual fun?

No, because body count doesn't matter.

Do you know why?

Why?

Who I did isn't who I am.

Woah.

Pretty simple.

That's a tattoo.

That's a tramp, that's a tramp stamp.

Yeah.

I've always, I've never been

to a strip club.

What are you waiting for?

I just don't get off on the idea of like,

paying somebody to...

You don't have to.

You just go watch the artistry of the women

on the stage.

Yeah, but...

I just feel icky.

Watching women take their clothes off?

With like, other dudes there.

That have like, pre... in their pants.

Ew.

Yeah.

Oh, well, why are you thinking about that?

Cause I wasn't.

So what if there's this girl that I like.

We kind of have like a

business relationship.

Mm.

And I think she's into me.

Wait a second,

what do you mean by business relationship?

Like we've...

Filmed something before.

Not in...

Okay, okay.

no, no!

Do you want to continue having

a business relationship?

Yeah.

What outweighs one more than the other?

Is it better

to have a business relationship,

or better to have a relationship with her?

You're asking the hard questions here.

It is a hard question,

because you don't want to poop

on your dining room table.

I really don't want to poop on my

dining room table.

No, it's, it's not good.

But like, can I clean it up?

Like I can poo on the

dining room table and then...

Sure, but...

You don't have a business

relationship with her anymore.

Yeah.

You have to clean up the mess.

Yeah.

And Elle has like a separate business,

that's like, I don't know if

I'm comfortable with

dating somebody in that world.

Why?

Because I'm self conscious.

What's her other business.

OnlyFriends.

I thought so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, so you're uncomfortable

with her making lots of money?

You're uncomfortable with sharing?

Yeah.

Do you know who else is

uncomfortable with sharing?

Who?

God?

Toddlers.

Toddlers, yeah.

Toddlers.

Because you haven't formed

the part of your brain

that's okay with sharing,

until four plus years.

Are you okay with sharing?

Well...

What if I'm self conscious about

the size of my...

Then what you need to do is watch

women directed corn.

Women directed?

Yes, women,

like, corn,

written and directed by women,

because they're going to teach you

what to do.

Ahh.

But like...

And you should learn.

I'm not worried about my performance,

I'm worried about...

Somebody seeing it and being like...

There's nothing you can do about that.

No?

No.

You just have to be okay with it.

Like, should I tell them beforehand?

If, if it's weird...

If it's weird? Like if it's like a mushroom...

Like a big bulging head and a little stump.

Yeah.

Yes, tell her.

How would I?

Tell her, say um,

uh,

“I just want to prepare you...”

May--

Maybe show her like,

a drawing first.

You can, you can draw it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ease her into it,

you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Because you want her to be...

to be like,

he's amazing,

okay, yeah, the penis,

but he's amazing.

How do I initiate,

I got somebody over.

I want to start the...

You know...

Kissing?

Yeah.

Okay, that's not what that looked like.

What did...?

Well, it looked like you were gonna

swallow someone's face.

Oh, okay.

And you looked oddly excited by that.

My thing,

Is I always say like:

“so like,”

“do you wanna make out?”

Okay, so, starting that sentence with 'so',

really takes it down,

in terms of sexiness.

Okay.

But if you said...

“Can I kiss you?”

Ah, ah.

Yeah, see, notice the sultry like,

like there was an intimacy factor to it.

Yeah.

Can I kiss you?

So, we’re watching a mov--

Ow...

I'm already so nervous.

It starts with holding hands.

If you're unwilling to hold my hand,

why would I move in for a kiss?

So the first thing you would do is...

I would reach out and I would,

I would touch the hand.

And if there's a reciprocation

in the touch,

so I touch,

and the touch comes back.

Ah.

Then we start doing some hand holding,

something finger play, right?

But the no kissing for three months

dating rule,

is because affection has been removed

from the dating scene,

we're going from,

I just met you,

to getting fun-ual.

Can I tell you something I'm a little

embarrassed by?

Okay.

One time I was seeing this girl

that I really, really, really liked.

We hadn't done anything.

Yeah.

And the first time we held hands,

I got a...

Of course you did.

Of course, that's normal?

Yes, that's cool, you know why?

You know why you got a...?

Because you like her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

...s are sometimes just emotionally

created.

It was an emotional ...?

Yeah, it was an emotional ....

I was dating a guy who was a bodybuilder.

And he was like, touching my back going,

mawing my back with his hands.

I was like, I like a gentle touch.

Ah.

And he was like, okay, gentle touches.

So before you get to the kiss,

let's make sure we like the touches.

My thing is,

I feel like...

I feel like this makes me sound like

such an idiot.

I don't want to have to tell somebody

how I like things.

That is stupid.

Because how else will she know?

I know.

Like here's,

here's the thing.

Have you...

Been with people sexually before?

Oh, yeah.

And...

I f**k.

I F**K.

Okay.

So have you noticed

that when you hit a different body,

you've gotta start doing different things?

Yes, yeah.

Exactly.

Like in my head,

having to tell somebody what to do

takes away the sexiness.

Wrong.

Wrong!

Wrong?

Only if you do it in a non-sexy way.

Like, let's just say

you're going down on me,

right?

And I go...

And I just smack your forehead off of me.

Yeah.

Like, I don't like that,

that's not sexy.

You don't want to go back down, do you?

I think you would send me down like

a six month spiral.

Before we get to a kiss,

I'm gonna say to you,

hey, I just want to let you know,

I don't like wet, sloppy kisses.

Like wet for me is a total ick.

Is this like an actual thing you would say?

This an actual thing I would say, yeah.

So here we are in a kiss, right.

I'm gonna break the kiss.

But not the intimacy.

Ah.

I'm gonna break the kiss, but stay close.

And I'm gonna go, come in, come in closer,

I'm gonna go...

“Let me show you what I like.”

Oh, god, f***.

Ah, baby.

Did you see what he just did?

I bet it moved,

“Let me show you what I like.”

Riddle me this.

What if I really like...

Mmmmmmoist.

Drenched.

It's a good thing we had the conversation.

So that now we can go our separate ways,

because you and I are not compatible,

physically.

Mmmm.

And we found out by communicating.

Yeah.

I know a boy wants to find out by

putting it in.

What if my partner's nether region.

Hm.

Has like a stench.

Right.

But I don't know how to tell them that,

without...

like...

Yeah, so...

Just don't

stay there for that long.

Like you mean to stay there as in like,

Right.

Go, get out.

Because the stench is where you are,

like you can, you can tell

because you're there,

like, hopefully, it's not wafting all over

the room.

One time...

Yeah.

I could...

I was at a movie, and I could..

In a movie?

In a movie theatre.

Because it's such a delicate thing to bring up,

don't bring it up when you're naked.

Bring it up outside of naked time.

And say,

“Hey, I just want to say,”

“I kind of noticed that,”

“I think your pH is off.”

“And I'm wondering if there's something,”

“maybe you need to address.”

Can you say that again?

“I--”

“Hey.”

“I, I noticed that I think your pH is off.”

pH?

Your pH.

What does that mean?

It means your chemical makeup.

So something is unbalanced.

Okay.

She'll know what pH is.

What about, what about for a dude

who has a smelly...?

So if you and I were like making out,

and we're about to have sexy time,

I'd go,

“Derek...”

“go wash your bollywoggles.”

And then what would you say?

“What are bollywoggles?”

I'd say

“Your nuts...”

“Your, your nuts...”

“and your d**k.”

Does it smell?

Sometimes.

And then what,

what if that put me,

like I don't even want to...

Like you just,

you just can't perform--

Like, whatever.

Um, I'll have to get a new boyfriend.

You have to get a new boyfriend?

Because this one doesn't want to

wash his nutsack

so I can have a better experience.

Yeah.

So what is more important to me?

A good experience,

or somebody stroking my ego?

Yeah.

But like, I really like

when my ego gets stroked.

Of course.

Because I'm a...?

Boy.

Man.

Yeah, okay.

We don't know if he's a man yet.

Do you want to find out?

Sure.

Okay, it's 12 character traits.

Okay.

I'm gonna test you.

Do you need women to validate you,

by thinking you're handsome,

or do you get your validation

through your personal successes?

I mean, both,

but if I had to pick one,

it would be my personal successes.

Okay, good start.

Um, if you have a girlfriend

is she allowed to have male friends?

Yeah, of course.

Um, when...

As long as they don't see each other

after 6pm.

Okay, so no point for you.

Do you want women, or people,

basically to be attracted to you

because you wear nice clothes

and you, you are well put together,

or do you want people to be

attracted to you,

because of your character,

your personality?

It's the first one.

Oh, no point for you.

Are you selfish?

Are you a,

what's in it for me kind of person?

Or are you generous with your people?

Oh, I'm generous.

When you have a girlfriend,

do you have to control her time and money,

and you're upset if she doesn't give you

the first option to her time and money?

No.

Good, point for you.

Uh, your responsibilities.

Do you try to get out of them?

Or do you take them on

and you don't complain?

I...

hire people to do the things that I don't

want to do.

That's called outsourcing,

there's nothing wrong with that.

I outsource.

No, there's nothing wrong with that.

Okay.

Um, but let's say you're a dad,

you know, would you try to get out

of your daddy responsibilities?

Or would you take your daddy

responsibilities?

I would...

try to get an abortion.

Affection, if you're in a relationship,

does she have to go all out

to get your attention?

Buy you stuff to get your affection?

No.

So if somebody gives you the opportunity

to do more work to get ahead, faster.

Would you take on that additional effort?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Okay.

Point for you.

Are you financially responsible?

Oh, yeah.

Do you take responsibility

for the negativity in your life?

Or is it always someone else's fault

when something goes wrong?

Can I go like 50/50?

Half point?

Half point, sure.

Okay.

If you're dating somebody,

do pay more than 50% of the time.

Yeah.

Okay, shows generosity,

point for you.

What if I pay because I'm...

insecure

about them not wanting to hang out with me

unless I pay?

Uh, then...

that's you buying love,

instead of simply being generous.

Big difference.

No point.

No point.

No point.

And then, here's the twelfth one.

Okay.

When you're in a relationship.

Yep.

Do you want your partner to be happy?

Um, first, yes.

Okay.

I think...

Okay.

And then...

Okay.

Point for you.

Yeah.

Well here's the thing,

if you're not a 12 out of 12,

it is a fail.

Because we got standards.

11.5?

Mhm, that means you got work to do.

Okay.

When should I give up?

on somebody*

When they're not interested in you.

What if they say they're interested in me.

Okay.

They tell me they love me.

Okay.

But they don't show it?

Then they don't love you

and they're not interested in you.

You think so?

Yeah.

Because it doesn't matter what people say,

what matters is what they do.

That's why we use the no kissing

for three months dating rule,

because people can say anything.

But what are your choices

of behaviors over time,

and not just initially.

What about like the,

it's, it's like,

showing nothing until it's about to end,

and then they come in with the doing.

That means it was always nothing,

and the doing is a manipulation.

Their patterns are important.

Yeah.

So if, if their pattern is

initially doing lots,

and then doing nothing,

that's the reality of the pattern,

is that was a facade

and this is the reality is the nothing.

So how do I let go of that?

Well, you have to get

out of your imagination

and ground yourself in reality.

Your mantra is,

I don't want to be with somebody

who doesn't want to be with me.

Yeah.

But then, like, every time I end it off.

It's like, after a week,

I convince myself that they do love me.

Why?

Because part of me thinks that that's,

that means I love them.

Um, so you love them,

so they must love you?

I don't know.

So, this is why

people have trouble breaking up.

Cos they create a fantasy.

I call it the Castle in the Sky.

We can't break up

because we haven't lived in the castle yet.

I need to get to the castle.

So I'll convince myself that we can get to

the castle.

Are there babies in the castle?

No.

I don't want,

I don't want babies in the castle.

Yeah. I want to get some advice

for the people that never get advice.

So what if

I did want to cheat on my girlfriend?

Okay.

What would be the best way to go about it?

Because like, I love my girlfriend

and I don't want to get caught,

because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Right...

Do you have any advice on that?

Um, well, you're gonna hurt her feelings.

I am?

Yes.

Do you know why?

Why?

Because we're detectives.

And we'll always find out.

You'll always find out?

We will always find out.

Yeah.

But like, you know,

I have...

the Tesla at home.

But like,

sometimes I want to drive a Ferrari.

So you should have tried

the Ferrari before getting the Tesla.

That's why body count doesn't matter,

who you did isn't who you are.

So go try all the cars.

Yeah.

And get it out of your system,

and when you're ready to settle down,

you choose the model you prefer.

So right now you're saying,

maybe...

Return the Tesla.

Yeah.

Go out...

Because apparently you're not

ready for a Tesla yet.

You still want to go try Ferrari's.

So return the Tesla.

Cause the Tesla shouldn't be abused.

No, no, I LOVE,

I like, love my Tesla.

Well love the Tesla enough.

To do the right thing for the Tesla,

because love is a verb.

But part of me wants...

to have my...

Tesla and eat it too.

Right, so the Tesla is gonna run you over

when the Tesla finds out.

If you could stop one crime.

Okay.

By committing it.

Oh.

What would it be?

You don't want to know where I went.

You don't want to know?

You don't.

Why?

In a hypothetical world.