Machismo hurts men too | Alejandro Jimenez | TEDxMileHigh

Summary

The speaker, an undocumented immigrant from Mexico, shares his journey of navigating two worlds and challenging stereotypes. From struggling with language barriers and seeking acceptance through aggressive behavior in school to confronting racial assumptions in college, he reflects on the burden of being a 'brown boy.' The narrative emphasizes the importance of breaking free from machismo and embracing vulnerability, culminating in a poem, 'For Brown Boys,' that encourages self-love and the rejection of harmful norms.

Takeaways

• 🌎 The speaker discusses the dual identity of living in the 'borderlands' between the American and Mexican worlds as an immigrant.
• 📚 The transition from Spanish to English at a young age in the U.S. education system was a significant challenge for the speaker.
• 🥊 Middle school experiences included a desire for acceptance through participating in aggressive behaviors, influenced by societal expectations of masculinity.
• 🏆 High school achievements were overshadowed by the fear of not being able to attend college due to undocumented status.
• 🎓 The speaker's journey to higher education was made possible by obtaining a green card, highlighting the importance of legal status for opportunities.
• 🤷‍♂️ Feelings of isolation and a sense of re-immigrating were experienced at a predominantly white university.
• 🔍 The speaker grappled with stereotypes about Latino men being 'feisty' and 'hot-tempered,' which were internalized during college.
• 👨‍👧‍👦 Personal relationships with family members contradicted these stereotypes, showing men as capable of strength, delicacy, and vulnerability.
• 🌈 The speaker challenges the label of 'machista' and 'patriarchal' culture, advocating for the dismantling of harmful stereotypes.
• 📜 The poem 'For Brown Boys' serves as a call to action for self-love and breaking free from societal expectations and stereotypes.
• 💪 The final message encourages brown boys to embrace their worth, to love themselves, and to reject the idea that they are defined by their culture or appearance.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the speaker's narrative?

The main theme of the speaker's narrative is the struggle of living as an undocumented immigrant, navigating between two cultures, and breaking free from stereotypes associated with being a 'brown boy'.

How did the speaker's language barrier affect their early school experience?

The speaker's language barrier led to feelings of anger and frustration, as they were unable to communicate basic needs such as asking to use the bathroom, which resulted in embarrassing situations.

What activity did the speaker participate in during middle school to gain acceptance among peers?

The speaker participated in bare-knuckle boxing with their peers in middle school as a way to be accepted and liked despite their lack of English proficiency and small stature.

How did the speaker's perception of masculinity and strength change during their high school years?

In high school, the speaker began to recognize that being a varsity athlete and taking AP classes did not exempt them from the challenges of being an undocumented immigrant, and they started to question the stereotypes associated with their identity.

What was the speaker's experience like when they first arrived at the university in Oregon?

The speaker felt like they had immigrated all over again, being one of only about 30 Latinos in a school of 1,800 students, which made them feel isolated and yearn for home.

How did the speaker's friend's comment at a party affect their perception of themselves?

The friend's comment, stereotyping the speaker as 'feisty and hot-tempered' due to their Latino heritage, shocked the speaker and led them to internalize this stereotype throughout their college career.

What stereotypes does the speaker challenge in their narrative?

The speaker challenges stereotypes about 'brown boys' being inherently aggressive and macho, as well as the broader stereotype of their culture being inherently patriarchal and sexist.

How does the speaker describe the men in their family as a counterpoint to stereotypes?

The speaker describes the men in their family as strong, delicate, and vulnerable, highlighting their capacity for love, care, and emotional depth, which contradicts the stereotypes they face.

What is the title of the poem the speaker shares at the end of the narrative?

The title of the poem is 'For Brown Boys,' which serves as an affirmation and encouragement for brown boys to break stereotypes and recognize their own beauty.

What message does the speaker convey through the poem 'For Brown Boys'?

The message conveyed through the poem is one of self-love, self-acceptance, and the importance of breaking free from the constraints of stereotypes, urging brown boys to embrace their full humanity.

What role does the speaker's stepfather play in challenging stereotypes about men in their culture?

The speaker's stepfather challenges stereotypes by engaging in nurturing activities such as cooking, caring for sick pets, and gardening, demonstrating that men can be tender and expressive without compromising their masculinity.

Outlines

00:00

🌎 Cultural Struggle and Identity

The speaker, an undocumented immigrant from Colima, Mexico, describes the duality of living in both the American and Mexican worlds, symbolized by the concept of 'borderlands.' They recount their childhood struggles with language barriers and cultural assimilation, including the embarrassment of not being able to speak English and the physical and emotional challenges of fitting into a new social environment. The speaker also discusses the pressure to conform to aggressive stereotypes as a means of gaining respect and acceptance among peers, highlighting the internal conflict of wanting to be recognized as strong while dealing with physical limitations.

05:02

🔍 Challenging Stereotypes and Self-Perception

The speaker reflects on the internalization of stereotypes about Latino men being 'feisty and hot-tempered,' which they initially accepted as an explanation for their own aggressive behavior. They explore the broader implications of these stereotypes, considering how societal perceptions can shape identity and behavior. Through personal anecdotes about male figures in their life, such as their brother and uncles, the speaker challenges the stereotype of 'machismo' and patriarchy, showing a range of emotional depth and vulnerability that contradicts the one-dimensional portrayal often assigned to men of color.

10:03

📜 The Power of Poetry and Self-Affirmation

The speaker transitions into a poem titled 'For Brown Boys,' which serves as a message of empowerment and self-love for young men of color who struggle with societal expectations and stereotypes. The poem acknowledges the hardships and contradictions faced by brown boys, from the physical labor to the emotional burdens of growing up too fast. It encourages them to embrace their full range of emotions and to reject the notion that they must always be in a state of aggression or self-defense. The speaker emphasizes the importance of self-love and the need to break free from the cycle of harmful stereotypes.

15:05

💖 Embracing Love and Rejecting Self-Destruction

In the final paragraph, the speaker concludes with a call to action for brown boys to let themselves be loved and to embrace their inherent worth. They encourage men to be present in their children's lives, to teach and nurture them, and to reject the idea that they are destined for violence or self-destruction. The speaker advocates for self-love as a form of rebellion against societal pressures and stereotypes, urging brown boys to believe in their own beauty and to live their lives fully, without succumbing to the negative expectations placed upon them.

Keywords

💡Immigrant

An immigrant is a person who moves from one country to another with the intention of living there permanently. In the video, the speaker is an immigrant from Colima, Mexico, and discusses the cultural and linguistic challenges faced by immigrants in the United States, such as adapting to English and the feeling of living in two worlds.

💡Undocumented

An undocumented immigrant is a person who resides in a country without the legal right to do so, often lacking proper identification documents. The speaker's status as an undocumented immigrant at the age of 8 is highlighted to emphasize the struggles of being 'illegal' and the impact on their early life experiences.

💡Cultural Identity

Cultural identity refers to the sense of belonging to a cultural group, which can be defined by factors such as language, traditions, and shared history. The speaker's native language, Spanish, and the subsequent immersion in an English-speaking environment exemplify the tension between maintaining one's cultural identity and assimilating into a new culture.

💡Stereotype

A stereotype is a widely held but often oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing. The video discusses the harmful effects of stereotypes, such as the notion that Latino men are 'feisty and hot-tempered,' and how these can limit individual identity and behavior.

💡Patriarchy

Patriarchy is a social system in which men hold primary power and are dominant in roles of political leadership, moral authority, and social privilege. The speaker reflects on how patriarchy has influenced societal expectations of men to be aggressive and strong, and how this intersects with their own experiences as a brown boy.

💡Aggression

Aggression is behavior directed towards another individual with the intention of causing harm or discomfort. In the context of the video, the speaker's participation in bare-knuckle boxing and the desire to be recognized as strong are linked to societal expectations of male aggression and the pressure to conform to these norms.

💡Machismo

Machismo is a term often used to describe a cultural trait of male dominance and authority, which can include being assertive, self-reliant, and having a strong sense of honor. The speaker challenges the stereotype of 'machista' culture, advocating for a more nuanced understanding of their cultural identity that does not reduce them to this stereotype.

💡Self-Love

Self-love is the act of having a deep affection for oneself, which includes a positive regard for one's own well-being and happiness. The speaker encourages brown boys to embrace self-love as a form of rebellion against societal expectations and stereotypes, emphasizing the importance of recognizing one's own worth and beauty.

💡Stereotype Dismantling

Stereotype dismantling refers to the process of breaking down and rejecting harmful stereotypes that limit individual identity and potential. The video's message is about the importance of challenging and overcoming stereotypes, such as those associated with being a brown boy, to embrace a more authentic and diverse expression of self.

💡Poetry

Poetry is a form of literary expression that uses rhythmic and aesthetic qualities of language to convey emotions, ideas, or tell a story. The speaker uses poetry as a medium to express their experiences and emotions, offering a powerful and personal perspective on the themes of identity, self-love, and breaking stereotypes.

💡Rebellion

Rebellion is the act of resisting or defying authority, control, or convention. In the video, the speaker frames self-love and the rejection of limiting stereotypes as acts of rebellion, suggesting that embracing one's true self in the face of societal pressures is a form of powerful resistance.

Highlights

The speaker describes the duality of living in the 'American world' and 'Mexican world' as an immigrant.

Arriving in the US at age 8, the speaker had to navigate a new language and culture, leading to feelings of anger and frustration.

Middle school experiences included a harsh initiation into masculinity through physical challenges and peer acceptance.

The speaker's desire to be recognized and respected led to a struggle with the 'bad boy' stereotype.

Physical limitations and the reality of being an immigrant child challenged the speaker's aspirations to fit in with peer expectations.

Despite academic and athletic achievements in high school, the lack of legal documentation created barriers to higher education.

Receiving a green card after a decade of waiting allowed the speaker to attend university as a US resident.

Feeling like an outsider again in a predominantly non-Latino university environment.

An incident at a party where the speaker was stereotyped as 'feisty and hot-tempered' due to his Latino heritage.

The internalization of stereotypes and the belief that aggression was 'in the blood' influenced the speaker's behavior in college.

Reflections on the burden of being a 'brown boy' and not receiving the benefit of the doubt due to racial stereotypes.

The speaker's realization that stereotypes are not inherent but learned, and therefore can be unlearned and dismantled.

Personal stories of male family members who defy stereotypes of masculinity, showing strength, vulnerability, and care.

The speaker's stepfather's actions as a form of resistance against stereotypes about men from his culture.

A poem titled 'For Brown Boys,' expressing the struggle and the call for self-love and breaking free from stereotypes.

The poem emphasizes the beauty in being alive, the importance of self-care, and the power of love and forgiveness.

The speaker encourages brown boys to embrace their worth and to commit the 'most rebellious act' of self-love.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Flavia Guina Reviewer: Leonardo Silva

So there's a feeling within the Mexican immigrant community

that we are living in two worlds:

the American world

and the Mexican world.

It's some sort of borderlands.

You see, I never understood that a human could be illegal

until I came to the US

as an undocumented immigrant from Colima, Mexico, at 8 years old.

Spanish is my native language,

and suddenly, I was thrust into a world of English.

In elementary school, I spent a lot of time being angry

for not being able and not knowing how to ask for certain simple things,

like,

'May I go to the bathroom?'

I would pee my pants often.

Imagine how I explained hat to my parents.

In middle school,

my friends, all young boys, would form a circle in the early mornings,

before the sun had warmed our bodies,

before the morning dew had evaporated into mist.

Two at a time, we would take turns catching the bodies,

bare-knuckle boxing,

hitting each other in the torso until someone gave up.

Those of us that didn't want to participate

were kicked out of the circle.

As a middle schooler, I wanted to be part of this group.

Now, I was already the immigrant kid that didn't know enough English,

I wanted to be accepted and liked.

I also noticed that the bad boy demeanour was rewarded,

and that's what we are taught as boys:

to be aggressive in the face of adversity,

to be this mountain of strength,

rugged and unclimbable,

to be this rolling thunderstorm,

striking the ground to prove our validity as men.

I wanted to be recognised,

respected,

admired,

revered.

I wanted so much,

so much,

to be feared.

But I was only 70 pounds, skinny, and I bruised easily.

It didn't matter how hard or how fast I swung my toothpick arms.

I always gave up first,

and therefore, teased by my friends,

my dreams and aspirations

to become this Aztec warrior with flames for fists crumbled,

very quickly, y'all.

In high school,

I was a varsity athlete taking AP classes,

but I hesitated to look at colleges

because I didn't have a piece of plastic with numbers on it

that would allow me the same rights as my American-born peers.

You see,

I pledged allegiance to the flag every single day in grade school,

but now this country didn't want to support me?

Luckily,

after 10 years of waiting,

I received my green card just in time

to attend a small, private university in Oregon

as a resident of the US

and not a foreign student.

There, I was one of about 30 Latinos,

in a school of 1,800 students.

I felt like I had immigrated all over again.

(Laughter)

I felt like wind with no resting place,

like ashes with no fire,

roots with no earth,

water with no shoreline.

I kept yearning for home, y'all.

My first year there, I was at a party,

and I remember being upset,

and visibly frustrated and vocal about a situation -

I think I was trying to reenact my failed attempts

to be this Aztec warrior from middle school -

when one of my friends,

one of my white friends turned to me and said,

'It's OK.

It's the Latino blood in you.

Latino men are feisty and hot-tempered.

You are spicy!'

(Laughter)

In my case, everybody stood in silence.

And I was shocked,

for two reasons.

One, I didn't expect a friend to put me into this box,

and two, I had never heard that stereotype,

at least not that clearly.

But I believed them.

I went through my college career believing what was said that day.

Any sign of aggression, it was just 'in my blood.'

You see, if water can trickle down from the mountains into the ocean

without anything to stop it,

how could I change?

I figured that if my peers believed this stereotype to be true,

they would understand

that I couldn't do anything about my aggressive behaviour.

At the same time,

I also wondered if their opinion would be any different if I were white.

And that's the burden for us brown boys:

we do not get the benefit of the doubt.

You see we are pushed into this box that defines us,

that hurts us.

And yes, patriarchy, sexism has always hurt women.

It has always been used as a tool

to keep women in their place, subservient to men.

And here I am,

a recipient of privilege for being male,

an unknown enforcer of patriarchy,

and also stuck in a stereotype for being brown.

But growing up alongside the men in my family,

and in my community,

I began to realise that we are more than the stereotypes.

My brother, y'all, he's tall,

he's loud,

has tattoos all over his body,

but he was never in the gang, though.

Most of the tattoos are to commemorate significant events in his life,

like the birth of his children

and the passing of our grandparents.

He goes to work every single day at 4 in the morning,

comes back

and is not afraid to sing lullabies to his children.

He asks me questions about love.

Sometimes I answer them.

Other times, I feel awkward talking about love to another man.

He is the epitome of what it means to be strong,

delicate

and vulnerable.

My uncle,

he's reserved,

but he's a lighthouse to many of us.

He's a teacher and a professor, a mover and a shaker.

He gets made fun of, every single day,

for being feminine.

He was warned by my family to be careful after our gay cousin was murdered.

My other uncle is also reserved,

rarely shares his emotions,

but he has built houses from the ground up,

houses he will never be able to afford,

no matter how quickly he works or how early he arrives at a job site.

Both of these uncles,

I can trust that their hands

will nurture me,

not hurt me.

My stepfather,

he gives really, really awkward side hugs.

(Laughter)

But he cooks, though.

(Laughter)

He's a pretty good cook.

He also takes care of his two tiny chihuahuas

when they are sick.

He mashes up their food,

massages their muscles if they are sore.

He plants flowers, tulips and rosebushes, around the house.

He may not be the most communicative of men,

but I know exactly what he is saying when I look at his flowers.

He is what is means to hold on to your beauty,

despite what society tells you.

You see, I like to believe

that he is having the same internal struggle as I am.

The planting flowers around the house and giving them to my mother

is his way of standing up to all the stereotypes about us.

You see,

people have been quick

to point to my culture and label it as 'machista,'

patriarchal, sexist.

Because of where I come from and how I look,

people have deemed me an outsider that denounces the humanity of others.

But machismo does not have to define who I am,

who my people are.

These stereotypes,

they're not in our blood.

We have learned them.

We can also dismantle them.

The following poem is for all the men

and for all the women in my life

who encourage me

to break the stereotypes,

every single day.

It's also for my students,

for all the brown boys who, like me,

struggle to believe that we are beautiful.

We are beautiful.

The poem is titled 'For Brown Boys.'

For brown boys who come and go.

For brown boys who walked out,

like my father.

For those who stayed to pick up the pieces,

like my stepfather.

For us, brown boys.

For us, fatherless children,

trying to fit the shoes of men we have never known.

I know.

So many battles go unrecognised.

No purple hearts pinned to our chest.

Just tattooed life stories engraved in arms,

callous hands from all the work put in,

bruised knees from getting back up when we get knocked down,

stretch marks on backs from being forced to grow up way too fast.

I know

that the balance of providing and loving

can be such a dubious task for us, brown boys.

For us, brown boys,

trying to hide behind beards and moustaches,

trying way too hard to be as hard as possible,

caught between body bags and survival,

caught between macho ideals and proletarian revolutions.

Look at how

we confuse passion for violence.

Look at how we romanticize guns over a love affair.

We, brown boys, are so full of contradictions.

For us, brown boys,

who have been taught to be cautious of a tender touch,

like when she caresses my back.

I cannot help feeling uneasy.

Even in bed,

let your guard down, brown boy.

We don't always have to be in fight-or-flight mode.

We deserve to be loved.

We deserve to show love.

We don't have to look for affection in the bottom of shot glasses.

We cannot drown our pain.

Trust me,

it will learn how to swim.

Sorrow does not have to be a burden.

We make mistakes,

but we are not the mistakes, brown boy.

Who told you self-love was a battlefield?

Who turned your throat into a shotgun?

Who taught you how to fight, brown boy?

I once heard someone say that for us, dark ones,

the act of ...

(Inhales and exhales deeply)

breathing is rebellious.

Remember,

they were the ones that called us savages.

They were the ones that desecrated our family tree.

They turned us into thugs.

They told us women were inferior,

and some days,

some days I want to shatter the image in the mirror,

I want to break every last piece of my mother out of my smile.

I know you too get tired of choosing between your hopes and your demons,

of trying to hold the ends of the world keeping them from falling.

I know that you don't want to crumble into pieces, brown boy.

We do not need street corners

stained with candle wax,

decorated with flowers and pictures of you.

We need you alive, brown boy.

Remember that trees let go of themselves in the fall,

endure the winter so that they can bloom beautiful in the spring

and provide shade in the summer.

Brown boy, we need you alive.

So let every embrace you give set off a revolution.

Let every kiss you give become the trigger to your throat

to heal with words.

Let forgiveness become the pin to the grenade of your heart.

Explode delicately,

smash the shot glasses on the floor,

fireworks announcing the new you.

Let yourself be loved.

Watch how much we can grow.

Let every man that has walked out of your house

become a reason for you to stay.

Use these hands to help your children count,

to help them learn their ABCs, brown boys.

We are not explosions waiting to happen.

We are enough just as we are,

so let us believe that we are beautiful, brown boys.

Let us commit the most rebellious act of them all.

Let us

love

ourselves.

Thank you.

(Applause) (Cheers)