Why You Subconsciously Try to Have Others Be the Parent You Never Had

Summary

Dr. Anderson, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist, delves into the complexities of attachment trauma, exploring its impact on our perception of reality and the formation of 'parts' within us that protect us from past wounds. He discusses the role of trauma in shaping our adult relationships and the importance of distinguishing between vulnerability as a superpower and the reactions of others to our authentic selves. The conversation highlights the healing power of love and connection in overcoming trauma, emphasizing the universal struggle and the hope for transformation.

Takeaways

• 😌 Attachment trauma is a form of trauma that occurs in early relational dynamics, often before the age of verbal communication, affecting how individuals perceive and react to love and relationships.
• 🔍 Different types of trauma, such as family, generational, systemic, global, individual complex, relational, and single event trauma, have varying impacts on individuals based on intensity, frequency, duration, and personal perception.
• 🧠 Trauma is often perceived as an overwhelming event or series of events, but it can also be the absorption of energy that is not inherently ours, particularly in the context of complex PTSD and relational trauma.
• 👶 The early years of life, especially the first couple of years, are crucial in the development of attachment trauma, as experiences during this time can significantly impact a person's emotional and relational development.
• 🤹‍♂️ Play is an underutilized emotion in psychotherapy, but it is essential for healing and should be incorporated more in therapeutic practices.
• 💔 Vulnerability and authenticity can feel unsafe for individuals who have experienced trauma, as these states can trigger painful memories or associations with past violations.
• 🏠 The familiarity of trauma, even if unhealthy, can feel safe due to the predictability it provides, leading individuals to stay in harmful situations or relationships.
• 🔄 Trauma blocks love and connection, which are essential for healing. It creates a barrier that prevents individuals from fully expressing their authentic selves and connecting with others.
• 🌐 Global trauma and systemic trauma are also significant, affecting individuals on a broader societal level and highlighting the need for systemic change in addition to individual healing.
• 🤝 Healing from trauma involves recognizing and addressing the distortions and misperceptions that have developed as a result of traumatic experiences, and it often requires a deep understanding of the self and one's past.

Q & A

How does Dr. Anderson define trauma and its different types?

Dr. Anderson defines trauma as overwhelming events or experiences that individuals absorb, which are not theirs, and have different effects based on intensity, frequency, and duration. He expands on the types of trauma including family, generational, systemic, global, individual complex, relational, and single event trauma, emphasizing that not all traumas are created equal.

What is the concept of 'trauma energy' as described by Dr. Anderson?

Trauma energy, according to Dr. Anderson, is a subset of complex PTSD and relational trauma, particularly affecting those who have experienced early relational trauma during the first couple of years of life. This energy is absorbed preverbally, impacting individuals at a bodily and emotional level, often leading to profound effects due to the lack of conscious awareness and articulation.

Why is it significant to consider the perception of an individual when discussing trauma?

The perception of an individual is significant because it introduces variability in how life experiences are encoded and perceived. This variability can lead to different responses to similar events, as demonstrated in Dr. Anderson's study where teenagers from upwardly mobile communities experienced more PTSD than those from rougher neighborhoods due to normalization of their experiences.

What roles do the 'parts' within us take on according to Internal Family Systems (IFS)?

In IFS, 'parts' are normal aspects of our personality that show up to protect us during difficult moments. These parts can take on roles such as holding the pain, acting as soldiers to push people away to avoid future hurt, or adopting behaviors like overeating or drinking to soothe themselves in the absence of love.

How does Dr. Anderson explain the feeling of unsafety when feeling connected or vulnerable?

Dr. Anderson suggests that feeling unsafe when connected or vulnerable can stem from parts of us that hold pain, shame, and loneliness, which find joy and closeness threatening due to a lack of frame of reference. Additionally, past experiences of violation after showing vulnerability can create associations that make future vulnerability feel unsafe.

What is the role of play in psychotherapy according to Yakov Smirnoff?

Yakov Smirnoff, a neuroscientist, posits that play is the most underutilized emotion in psychotherapy. It is an important part of the healing process, yet therapists do not utilize it enough.

Why do people tend to stay in familiar, even unhealthy, relationships according to the script?

People stay in familiar relationships because what is familiar feels safe, even if it is unhealthy. The nervous system is wired to predict and respond to familiar patterns as a survival mechanism from early years, leading to a cycle of repeating the same patterns in the hope of healing past wounds.

How does trauma block our ability to love and connect with others?

Trauma creates a barrier that blocks our essence, preventing us from expressing our authentic selves and connecting with others. It hinders our ability to love and be loved, which in turn, can perpetuate a cycle of seeking healing through connections that may not be able to provide the needed resolution.

What is the relationship between love and healing trauma as discussed in the script?

The script suggests that love and connection are essential for healing trauma. While trauma blocks our ability to love and connect, it is through these same connections and expressions of love that we can overcome the barriers trauma creates.

How does Dr. Anderson differentiate between the distortion of self-worth and the responsibility of others' reactions?

Dr. Anderson differentiates by emphasizing that vulnerability is a superpower and not the problem. The issue lies with the reactions of others to our authentic selves. It's important to assign responsibility to those who react negatively, rather than internalizing their reactions as a reflection of our self-worth.

What is the significance of the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex in relation to early trauma?

The hippocampus and prefrontal cortex are not fully developed in early childhood, which means that experiences of trauma during this period are not encoded with language and memory in the same way as later experiences. This results in a lack of conscious articulation but a profound bodily and emotional impact.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 Understanding Attachment Trauma

This paragraph delves into the concept of attachment trauma, which is rooted in early life experiences and can significantly impact an individual's perception of reality. Dr. Anderson, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist, discusses the various types of trauma, emphasizing that not all traumas are equal and that the perception of the individual plays a crucial role in how trauma is internalized. He highlights the importance of recognizing the 'trauma energy' absorbed during early relational trauma, which can manifest in physical and emotional responses despite being preverbal. The paragraph also touches on the unconscious nature of attachment wounds and how they can affect adult relationships without the individual's awareness.

05:00

🛡️ The Protective 'Parts' in Internal Family Systems

In this section, the video script explores the idea of 'parts' within the Internal Family Systems model, which are aspects of our personality that emerge to protect us during challenging moments. These parts can take on roles such as holding pain or acting as protectors, potentially leading to behaviors like pushing people away to avoid future hurt. The script discusses how these parts, although often misunderstood by society, serve a vital role in safeguarding us from internal pain. It also addresses the concept of feeling unsafe when being vulnerable or seeking connection, explaining how past experiences can shape our responses to vulnerability and closeness.

10:01

🔄 The Cycle of Familiarity and Healing in Trauma

The final paragraph examines the tendency to seek familiarity in relationships as a means of coping with trauma, even when such familiarity is unhealthy. It discusses the hope for redemption and healing through new relationships that resemble past ones but with the expectation of a better outcome. The script emphasizes that trauma acts as a barrier to love and authenticity, and that love and connection are essential for healing trauma. It concludes with the idea that while the cycle of seeking familiarity is well-intended, true healing comes from within and cannot be dependent on others filling the roles of absent or inadequate parental figures.

Keywords

💡Attachment Trauma

Attachment trauma refers to the emotional and psychological damage that occurs when a person's early relationships with caregivers are disrupted or inadequate, leading to a lack of secure attachment. In the script, Dr. Anderson discusses attachment trauma as a subset of complex PTSD and relational trauma, emphasizing its roots in early relational experiences during the first couple of years of life. This trauma is significant because it is often preverbal and can profoundly affect a person's adult relationships without their awareness.

💡Trauma

Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience that overwhelms an individual's ability to cope. The script explores various types of trauma, including family, generational, systemic, global, individual complex, and relational trauma. Dr. Anderson emphasizes that not all traumas are equal and that the intensity, frequency, and duration of traumatic events can have different effects on individuals. The concept of trauma is central to the video's theme, illustrating how it can distort one's perception of reality and impact their ability to connect with others.

💡Perception

Perception in the context of the video refers to how individuals interpret and encode their experiences, particularly traumatic ones. Dr. Anderson mentions that the perception of trauma can vary greatly among people, affecting how they process and respond to these events. For example, teenagers from upwardly mobile communities may experience more significant PTSD than those from rougher neighborhoods because the latter group has normalized such experiences as part of their life.

💡Internal Family Systems

Internal Family Systems is a therapeutic approach that views the mind as an internal system of many parts or 'subpersonalities' that can be in conflict or协作 with one another. Dr. Anderson, who co-authored the 'Internal Family Systems Skills Training Manual,' discusses how parts of the self can take on roles of protection or hold the energy of trauma as a response to early relational dynamics or challenging experiences.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability in the script is portrayed as the state of being open to emotions, thoughts, and experiences without defenses. Dr. Anderson explains that vulnerability can feel unsafe for some individuals because it is associated with past experiences of violation or rejection when they were authentic. However, he also highlights that vulnerability is a superpower and a crucial part of the healing process.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity is the quality of being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character. In the video, Dr. Anderson discusses how sharing one's authentic beliefs, feelings, and thoughts can be challenging for those who have experienced trauma, as it may have led to negative reactions or abuse in the past. Authenticity is also linked to the concept of vulnerability and is considered an essential aspect of the healing process.

💡Neurosis

Neurosis, as mentioned in the script, refers to a mental condition characterized by anxiety, obsessions, compulsions, or phobias, not attributable to any physical cause. Dr. Anderson uses the term in the context of PTSD, which can be a neurotic response to trauma, particularly among teenagers from certain communities as illustrated in the script.

💡Play

Play is described in the script as an underutilized emotion in psychotherapy by neuroscientist Yak PP. It is highlighted as an important part of the healing process, suggesting that the act of playing can be a therapeutic tool for dealing with trauma and fostering a sense of safety and connection.

💡Familiarity

Familiarity in the video is associated with a sense of safety, even when the familiar experiences are unhealthy or harmful. Dr. Anderson explains that people often stay in bad relationships or repeat patterns because they are familiar, and the nervous system is wired to predict and respond to what is known, even if it is detrimental.

💡Redemption

Redemption in the script is portrayed as the hope for healing or making up for past wrongs. It is related to the idea that people seek out new relationships or experiences that are similar to what is familiar but with the expectation that they will be better, providing the love and safety that was lacking in the past.

💡Healing

Healing in the context of the video refers to the process of recovering from trauma and restoring one's sense of self and connection to others. Dr. Anderson emphasizes that love and connection are essential for healing trauma, contrasting the idea that trauma blocks love and our authentic selves.

Highlights

The concept of constantly filling in the blanks to protect ourselves, yet not experiencing reality in the present moment.

Dr. Anderson's background as a Harvard-trained psychiatrist and author, and his deep dive into trauma, dissociation, and upbringing.

The definition and communication of attachment trauma, including its evolution and the different types of trauma.

The importance of considering the intensity, frequency, and duration of trauma and its effects on individuals.

The role of perception in trauma and how it varies among individuals, affecting their responses to overwhelming life events.

Research findings on teenagers' PTSD levels in different environments and the normalization of hardship.

The idea of trauma as absorbed energy and its impact on the body and emotions, particularly in complex PTSD and relational trauma.

The lack of awareness among people about the roots of their adult relationship struggles in attachment wounds.

The emergence of 'parts' in the internal family systems concept as a response to early relational trauma.

The protective roles of 'parts' and their extreme measures to shield us from internal pain.

The feeling of unsafety in connection and vulnerability due to past traumas and the resulting protective mechanisms.

The neuroscience principle that what is familiar feels safe, even if it is unhealthy, and its implications for behavior.

The tendency to stay in bad relationships due to familiarity and the hope for healing and redemption.

The universality of trauma's impact and the cycle of trauma blocking love and love healing trauma.

The role of love and connection in healing trauma and overcoming the barriers it creates.

The importance of differentiating between personal responsibility and the reactions of others to one's authentic self.

The significance of play in psychotherapy and its underutilization as noted by neuroscientist Dr. Yak PP.

Transcripts

we're constantly filling in the blanks

to keep ourselves protected but we're

not really experiencing reality in the

present moment we're experiencing the

world through the lenses of our

past and if your past is okay it's not

so bad some distortions if your past is

pretty bad there's a lot of distortions

that you're living your life through

Dr Anderson is a Harvard trained

psychiatrist and psychotherapist he is

the author of transcending trauma and

co-author of internal family systems uh

skills training manual and now he speaks

and really has gone deep into trauma

dissociation and now uh more around our

upbringing and with his latest book uh

to be loved A Story of Truth trauma and

transformation How would how would you

define and communicate attachment trauma

yeah so you know it's interesting so I

do I keep expanding and evolving on my

definition like that's one thing that is

like as the world gets more cognizant of

the different types of trauma I'm always

expanding what are the different types

of trauma you know family family

generational trauma systemic trauma

Global trauma um individual complex

relational trauma single event trauma so

there's different types of trauma right

all traumas are not created equal I like

to say um and I think about I used to I

used to think about intensity frequency

and duration when I would think about

trauma like um it's some overwhelming

event or series of events and I want to

think about the intensity the frequency

and the duration because they have

different effects on people depending on

all those things I ALS Al think

about the perception or the experience

of the individual because there is this

variability amongst overwhelming life

experiences and one person can encode it

in one way and perceive it in a certain

way that's very different than somebody

else you know I did this research study

when I was in my residency training

program and we worked with teenagers

that were hospitalized and it was

shocking that the the kids that were in

these upwardly mobile communities in

Boston area had much more significant

PTSD than the kids who grew up in like

gangs and these kind of rougher

neighborhoods because it was so

normalized for them like this is this is

our life this is what we do and we help

each other and we go through it together

and they had less PTSD so you know this

idea of perception is an important one

but I do think about trauma as what

happens to you what experience happens

to you because I think of trauma I think

about trauma

energy right trauma energy is something

we absorb that is not ours is a subset

of complex PTSD it's a subset of

relational trauma and it's that really

early relational trauma right the first

couple years of life which

most people aren't aware of as

significant because partly it's

preverbal we don't encode it with

language and memory in the same way

because our hippocampus and our

prefrontal cortex is not quite developed

and our language centers are not

developed so we can't really articulate

it even though we absorb it we feel it

in our bodies we feel it in our emotions

so it has a profound effect on a lot of

people people with a lack of awareness

when most people aren't aware that their

adult relationship struggles are rooted

in attachment wounded most people don't

even have that awareness because it's

largely unconscious because we're so

young and we don't have words to

articulated and yet that doesn't stop

the development of parts of

us

yes tell tell us more about the the

parts that really come out of the this

experience of not having enough of what

we needed in those early relational

Dynamics to feel loved yeah so you know

it's interesting the way that ifs

internal family systems holds

this concept is that we're all born with

parts we all have them they're normal

aspects of our personality it's when we

move through difficult

moments when we move through challenging

experiences relationally physically

emotionally that our parts show up to

try to protect us so parts will take on

roles of protection or parts will take

on the energy of the

trauma so some parts hold the pain and

some parts like are like soldiers

stepping up to battle all right I gonna

push people away so I'll never get hurt

again or I'm GNA eat to soothe in

replace of Love or I'm going to drink

you know so that I can get some calm

because I feel so overwhelmed inside so

parts of us and they're young typically

will take on these extreme roles to

protect us you know and culture and

Society tends to not like those parts

you know insurance companies don't like

those parts but it is important to

understand that they're serving a role

of protection from this internal pain

how can it actually feel unsafe to feel

connected how can it feel unsafe to be

vulnerable how can it feel unsafe for

some of these things that would to feel

Joy to to be able to

play yeah it's a great question and you

know Yak PP who's a well-known neuros

neuroscientist who subsequent

passed um talked about play being the

most underutilized emotion in

Psychotherapy right and I love that he's

like we therapists are not using play

enough here because it's such an

important part of healing so I I love

that you know awareness of his you know

there is a lot of ways that

closeness pleasure Joy feeling good is

dangerous is threaten Ing and um part

sometimes it's because parts of us that

hold so much pain shame and

loneliness cannot relate it's like this

is foreign like this doesn't fit here

like I there's no match here right so

our our wounded Parts cannot receive it

cannot take it in because that they have

no frame of reference for it so

sometimes it's a mismatch like so it it

doesn't get received other times it's

the I was feeling love before I got

violated I was sharing my authentic self

when I got hit right so sometimes it's

the association to for children which

are very cause and effect related so

every time I let my guard down is when I

would get

abused vulnerability is is you

connecting to and sharing your

authenticity like I feel this way I love

this this is what feels right to me like

we're

sharing our

authentic beliefs feelings and thoughts

it's the reaction of the other person

that's the problem and people always

confuse that it's what you might say to

my authentic statement that then I

internalize right and so when people

think vulnerability is a problem I'm

like no it's a superpower it's who you

are it's the world or your father or the

kids on the playground that had a

reaction and a problem with your

authentic self and so I helped to

differentiate the Distortion of oh I'm

bad and wrong versus

they that was wrong for them to say that

or parents shouldn't talk to their kids

that way or hitting a child is never a

good idea you know so to give

responsibility where it

belongs instead of taking it personally

which kids do all the

time I love how you're really bringing

in this Neuroscience principle that what

is familiar feels safe yes and even if

that familiar is unhealthy it's familiar

and so I I know how to pred prict what's

going to and when I'm coming out of my

early years and that's been how I

survived was to be able to predict what

I should do and could do in order to get

my needs met then our our muscle memory

if you want to call it that or our

nervous system wired to go back to

feeling that what is familiar is safe

and we see this played out in so many

different ways I'm sure this has been so

many different clients over the years

for you where we stay in for example

stay in bad relationships why because

it's familiar when we're

seeking we tend to repeat because it's

familiar but we're also seeking

Redemption it's like oh maybe this

relationship will be healing maybe this

guy will be safer maybe this woman

because the familiar is they have some

of the characteristics but they're

better they're going to love me they're

going to be all I needed so we we throw

on this hope with the familiar and it's

in the hopes of healing our wounds like

it's in the hopes of healing our wounds

which is well intended it just doesn't

work which is a real bummer other people

can't be the mother and father we never

had trauma blocks love and love heals

trauma trauma blocks who we are trauma

blocks our authentic self trauma blocks

our ability to connect with other people

so it's like trauma is this barrier you

know that blocks our

Essence right and through the work that

I do as a therapist in my own personal

healing Journey it's like Oh and it is

love and connection that heals trauma so

it was like this cycle and it's it

people resonate with it because I think

it comes from a higher place that people

relate and identify with it right and

and that has really been my experience

erience and it's been a lot of other

people's experience also which is is

kind of that

universality of what trauma does to us

and how we can ultimately heal it

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