Why You Subconsciously Try to Have Others Be the Parent You Never Had

Summary

Dr. Anderson, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist, delves into the complexities of attachment trauma, exploring its impact on our perception of reality and the formation of 'parts' within us that protect us from past wounds. He discusses the role of trauma in shaping our adult relationships and the importance of distinguishing between vulnerability as a superpower and the reactions of others to our authentic selves. The conversation highlights the healing power of love and connection in overcoming trauma, emphasizing the universal struggle and the hope for transformation.

Takeaways

• 😌 Attachment trauma is a form of trauma that occurs in early relational dynamics, often before the age of verbal communication, affecting how individuals perceive and react to love and relationships.
• 🔍 Different types of trauma, such as family, generational, systemic, global, individual complex, relational, and single event trauma, have varying impacts on individuals based on intensity, frequency, duration, and personal perception.
• 🧠 Trauma is often perceived as an overwhelming event or series of events, but it can also be the absorption of energy that is not inherently ours, particularly in the context of complex PTSD and relational trauma.
• 👶 The early years of life, especially the first couple of years, are crucial in the development of attachment trauma, as experiences during this time can significantly impact a person's emotional and relational development.
• 🤹‍♂️ Play is an underutilized emotion in psychotherapy, but it is essential for healing and should be incorporated more in therapeutic practices.
• 💔 Vulnerability and authenticity can feel unsafe for individuals who have experienced trauma, as these states can trigger painful memories or associations with past violations.
• 🏠 The familiarity of trauma, even if unhealthy, can feel safe due to the predictability it provides, leading individuals to stay in harmful situations or relationships.
• 🔄 Trauma blocks love and connection, which are essential for healing. It creates a barrier that prevents individuals from fully expressing their authentic selves and connecting with others.
• 🌐 Global trauma and systemic trauma are also significant, affecting individuals on a broader societal level and highlighting the need for systemic change in addition to individual healing.
• 🤝 Healing from trauma involves recognizing and addressing the distortions and misperceptions that have developed as a result of traumatic experiences, and it often requires a deep understanding of the self and one's past.

Q & A

How does Dr. Anderson define trauma and its different types?

Dr. Anderson defines trauma as overwhelming events or experiences that individuals absorb, which are not theirs, and have different effects based on intensity, frequency, and duration. He expands on the types of trauma including family, generational, systemic, global, individual complex, relational, and single event trauma, emphasizing that not all traumas are created equal.

What is the concept of 'trauma energy' as described by Dr. Anderson?

Trauma energy, according to Dr. Anderson, is a subset of complex PTSD and relational trauma, particularly affecting those who have experienced early relational trauma during the first couple of years of life. This energy is absorbed preverbally, impacting individuals at a bodily and emotional level, often leading to profound effects due to the lack of conscious awareness and articulation.

Why is it significant to consider the perception of an individual when discussing trauma?

The perception of an individual is significant because it introduces variability in how life experiences are encoded and perceived. This variability can lead to different responses to similar events, as demonstrated in Dr. Anderson's study where teenagers from upwardly mobile communities experienced more PTSD than those from rougher neighborhoods due to normalization of their experiences.

What roles do the 'parts' within us take on according to Internal Family Systems (IFS)?

In IFS, 'parts' are normal aspects of our personality that show up to protect us during difficult moments. These parts can take on roles such as holding the pain, acting as soldiers to push people away to avoid future hurt, or adopting behaviors like overeating or drinking to soothe themselves in the absence of love.

How does Dr. Anderson explain the feeling of unsafety when feeling connected or vulnerable?

Dr. Anderson suggests that feeling unsafe when connected or vulnerable can stem from parts of us that hold pain, shame, and loneliness, which find joy and closeness threatening due to a lack of frame of reference. Additionally, past experiences of violation after showing vulnerability can create associations that make future vulnerability feel unsafe.

What is the role of play in psychotherapy according to Yakov Smirnoff?

Yakov Smirnoff, a neuroscientist, posits that play is the most underutilized emotion in psychotherapy. It is an important part of the healing process, yet therapists do not utilize it enough.

Why do people tend to stay in familiar, even unhealthy, relationships according to the script?

People stay in familiar relationships because what is familiar feels safe, even if it is unhealthy. The nervous system is wired to predict and respond to familiar patterns as a survival mechanism from early years, leading to a cycle of repeating the same patterns in the hope of healing past wounds.

How does trauma block our ability to love and connect with others?

Trauma creates a barrier that blocks our essence, preventing us from expressing our authentic selves and connecting with others. It hinders our ability to love and be loved, which in turn, can perpetuate a cycle of seeking healing through connections that may not be able to provide the needed resolution.

What is the relationship between love and healing trauma as discussed in the script?

The script suggests that love and connection are essential for healing trauma. While trauma blocks our ability to love and connect, it is through these same connections and expressions of love that we can overcome the barriers trauma creates.

How does Dr. Anderson differentiate between the distortion of self-worth and the responsibility of others' reactions?

Dr. Anderson differentiates by emphasizing that vulnerability is a superpower and not the problem. The issue lies with the reactions of others to our authentic selves. It's important to assign responsibility to those who react negatively, rather than internalizing their reactions as a reflection of our self-worth.

What is the significance of the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex in relation to early trauma?

The hippocampus and prefrontal cortex are not fully developed in early childhood, which means that experiences of trauma during this period are not encoded with language and memory in the same way as later experiences. This results in a lack of conscious articulation but a profound bodily and emotional impact.