Being gay is annoying

Summary

JJ, an openly gay content creator from Vancouver, discusses the challenges of being a sexual minority in a tolerant society. Despite social progress, he faces irritations like being defined by his sexuality and unsolicited approval of his relationships. He criticizes the sexualization of same-sex friendships and emphasizes the importance of diverse friendships for building inclusive communities. The video also features a sponsorship from Brilliant, an educational platform for math and science.

Takeaways

• 🌈 The speaker, JJ, acknowledges the decline in overt homophobia in Vancouver and the privilege of living in a tolerant society.
• 🏳️‍🌈 Despite social progress, being a sexual minority still presents challenges in terms of being understood and accepted by the majority.
• 🤔 JJ criticizes the tendency to define gay individuals primarily by their sexuality, which he views as reductive and condescending.
• 📰 The media's portrayal of JJ as an 'LGBTQ content creator' is highlighted as an example of how gay people are often reduced to their sexual orientation.
• 🎭 Public figures are frequently defined by their sexuality, overshadowing their other accomplishments and personal attributes.
• 🤝 Unsolicited approval of gay relationships by strangers can be uncomfortable and is seen as a form of self-congratulation rather than genuine support.
• 🚫 The speaker argues against the sexualization of same-sex friendships, which can hinder the development of diverse and meaningful relationships.
• 💭 The idea that gay people have uncontrollable predatory lust is an old stereotype that persists in some forms of progressive tolerance.
• 👬 The importance of protecting same-sex friendships is emphasized, as they are often the default form of friendship and crucial for building diverse communities.
• 💔 The sexualization of friendships can imply negative motivations and undermine the genuine connections between people.
• 👀 JJ calls for careful discussion around same-sex friendships, recognizing their importance and the potential harm in pathologizing or stigmatizing them.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the video by JJ McCullough?

The main theme of the video is the experience of being an openly gay man in a tolerant society and the ongoing challenges and misconceptions he faces despite the decline in overt homophobia.

What does JJ McCullough mention as his biggest pet peeve related to being gay?

JJ McCullough's biggest pet peeve is when people cite a gay person's gayness as the single most relevant and important thing about them, overshadowing other aspects of their identity.

What legislation was JJ McCullough actively opposing in the video?

JJ McCullough was actively opposing Bill C11, a piece of legislation that was making its way through the Canadian Parliament.

How does JJ McCullough feel about being identified primarily by his sexuality in the media?

JJ McCullough feels that identifying him primarily by his sexuality in the media is reductive and condescending, as it overlooks other important aspects of his identity and work.

What is JJ McCullough's view on the comparison of gay public figures to others based on their sexuality?

JJ McCullough finds it problematic and reductive when gay public figures are compared to others based solely on their sexuality, rather than their actual achievements or common interests.

What does JJ McCullough think about unsolicited approval of gay relationships from strangers?

JJ McCullough finds unsolicited approval of gay relationships from strangers to be unnecessary and more about the strangers seeking to broadcast their own sense of enlightenment rather than genuine concern for the individuals involved.

What is the issue with relentless sexualizing of same-sex relationships according to JJ McCullough?

The issue with relentless sexualizing of same-sex relationships is that it can create barriers to building meaningful friendships and diverse communities, and it implies negative motivations behind such relationships.

What stereotype does JJ McCullough mention is being perpetuated by the idea that gay people have uncontrollable predatory lust?

JJ McCullough mentions that the stereotype of gay people having uncontrollable predatory lust is an old one that has persisted and is sometimes integrated into a form of progressive tolerance in modern times.

Why does JJ McCullough believe it's important to protect same-sex friendships among gay or lesbian people?

JJ McCullough believes it's important to protect same-sex friendships among gay or lesbian people because they are uniquely important and fulfilling basic human needs, and they should not be pathologized or stigmatized.

What does JJ McCullough suggest as a sign of social progress regarding same-sex relationships?

JJ McCullough suggests that a sign of social progress is when once controversial same-sex relationships become so common that they are not explicitly remarked upon anymore, indicating normalization and acceptance.

What is the role of the sponsor 'Brilliant' in the video, and how does it relate to the main topic?

The sponsor 'Brilliant' is a Math and Science Education website that offers interactive lessons on various scientific and mathematical principles. While not directly related to the main topic, it represents the intersection of science and math with social and cultural issues, which can provide a broader understanding of the world and the challenges faced by different communities, including the LGBTQ+ community.

Outlines

00:00

🏳️‍🌈 Minority Experiences in a Tolerant Society

In this paragraph, the speaker, JJ, reflects on his experience as an openly gay man living in Vancouver. He acknowledges the decline in overt homophobia and violence within his community but emphasizes that being a sexual minority still presents challenges. JJ discusses the paradoxical effect of increased social tolerance, which, while positive, can also enable obnoxious behavior towards gay people. He shares his frustration with being defined primarily by his sexuality, using his experience with Canadian press coverage as an example. The speaker critiques the tendency to prioritize a person's LGBT status over other aspects of their identity, which he finds reductive and condescending.

05:02

🤔 The Intersection of Science, Math, and Social Issues

This section transitions to the topic of the video's sponsor, Brilliant, an educational platform for math and science. The speaker argues that while the channel typically focuses on social studies, the relevance of science and math to social and cultural issues is significant. He uses examples such as understanding electricity in the context of energy politics and the importance of discerning reliable statistics in public debates. The speaker promotes Brilliant's interactive lessons as a tool for busy individuals to accumulate useful knowledge in small daily increments, offering a special deal for viewers to try the service.

10:03

😡 Unwanted Attention and Sexualization of Gay Relationships

The speaker shares personal anecdotes about strangers' unsolicited approval of his relationships, which he finds intrusive and reflective of a broader societal issue. He discusses the tension between the historical risk of public same-sex affection and the current overcompensation through overt approval. JJ criticizes the sexualization of same-sex friendships, challenging the stereotype that gay people are predatory or that straight friends are potential romantic interests. He argues that this mindset hinders the formation of diverse friendships and communities. The speaker calls for a more nuanced understanding of relationships that respects the complexity of human connections beyond sexual attraction.

Keywords

💡Homophobia

Homophobia refers to the fear, hatred, or discrimination against individuals who identify as homosexual. In the video, the speaker discusses the decline in overt homophobia in Vancouver and the impact it has had on the community, highlighting that while social acceptability of homophobia has decreased, the underlying issues of understanding and acceptance still persist.

💡Sexual Minority

A sexual minority is a group of individuals whose sexual orientation differs from the majority's heterosexual orientation. The speaker identifies as a member of a sexual minority and discusses the challenges faced by such individuals, even in a tolerant society, where they often have to deal with a lack of understanding and acceptance from the majority.

💡Legislation

Legislation refers to the process of making or enacting laws. The video mentions Bill C11, a piece of legislation in the Canadian Parliament that the speaker has been actively opposing. This example illustrates the speaker's involvement in advocating for changes in laws that affect the LGBTQ+ community.

💡LGBTQ Content Creator

An LGBTQ content creator is someone who produces media content related to or from the perspective of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer community. The speaker is identified in the script as an LGBTQ content creator, which is relevant to the video's theme as it touches on the representation and portrayal of LGBTQ individuals in media and society.

💡Stereotype

A stereotype is a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing. The video discusses how stereotypes about gay individuals, such as being defined primarily by their sexuality, can be limiting and reductive, as seen when the speaker is compared to other gay public figures with whom he shares little in common beyond their sexual orientation.

💡Social Tolerance

Social tolerance refers to the acceptance or patience with the beliefs, opinions, and behaviors of others. The video explores the idea that an increase in social tolerance towards the LGBTQ+ community has led to some obnoxious behavior directed at gay people, suggesting that tolerance should not be mistaken for a lack of understanding or respect.

💡Condescension

Condescension is the act of treating someone as if they are less intelligent or less worthy than oneself. The speaker mentions condescension as an issue when discussing the unsolicited approval of gay relationships, suggesting that some forms of approval can come across as patronizing rather than supportive.

💡Sexualizing

Sexualizing refers to the act of attributing sexual characteristics or motives to something that may not inherently have them. The video criticizes the tendency to sexualize same-sex friendships, arguing that it undermines the genuine connections and diversity of relationships that people can have.

💡Gayness

In the context of the video, 'gayness' refers to the characteristic of being gay or homosexual. The speaker expresses frustration with the media's tendency to focus on his 'gayness' as the most relevant aspect of his identity, overshadowing other important aspects of who he is and what he does.

💡Progressive Tolerance

Progressive tolerance is a form of acceptance that is forward-thinking and open-minded, often associated with social progress. The video discusses how progressive tolerance can sometimes inadvertently perpetuate stereotypes or reduce individuals to their minority status, such as when the speaker's sexual orientation is fixated upon.

💡Brilliant

In the video, 'Brilliant' refers to a Math and Science Education website that is sponsoring the content. The mention of 'Brilliant' serves as an example of how the intersection of science, math, and social issues can be relevant and important, even in a video that primarily discusses social and cultural topics.

Highlights

JJ, an openly gay man, discusses the decline in overt homophobia and violence in Vancouver but acknowledges the ongoing challenges faced by sexual minorities.

Being a sexual minority often means an uphill battle for understanding and acceptance, even in tolerant societies.

The rise of social tolerance may inadvertently enable obnoxious behavior directed at gay people.

JJ's personal experience of being defined by his sexuality in the media, despite being an LGBTQ content creator with diverse topics.

The paradox of public figures being defined primarily by their sexuality, overshadowing their other accomplishments and identities.

JJ criticizes the reductive and condescending approach to celebrating social progress by fixating on someone's minority status.

Annoying encounters of unsolicited approval of gay relationships from strangers, reflecting a need for self-broadcasting of personal enlightenment.

The problem of relentless sexualization of same-sex relationships and the stereotype of gay people having uncontrollable predatory lust.

The importance of protecting same-sex friendships and avoiding the stigmatization and sexualization that can hinder diverse community building.

JJ emphasizes the capability of gay people to understand romantic and sexual unavailability in friendships.

The broader cultural issue of elevating sex as the presumed main motive for relationships and actions, beyond just the context of gay friendships.

The unique importance of same-sex friendships for most people and the harm caused by pathologizing or gaslighting those relationships.

JJ invites LGBTQ audience members to share their less common pet peeves about societal treatment in the 21st century.

Sponsorship message for Brilliant, an educational platform offering interactive lessons on various scientific and mathematical principles.

Highlighting the intersection of Science and Math with social and cultural issues, and how Brilliant can fill knowledge gaps in these areas.

Special offer for the audience: a 30-day free trial and a 20% discount on the annual subscription for the first 200 sign-ups through the link provided.

Transcripts

this video was brought to you by

brilliant Hello friends my name is JJ

and I just want to start by saying that

as an openly gay man I am extremely

lucky to live here in Vancouver even

within my own lifetime I have witnessed

an enormous decline in the social

acceptability of overt homophobia in my

community to say nothing of homophobic

violence and that is definitely

something that a lot of gay people

elsewhere in this world cannot say with

nearly the same level of confidence but

that being said even in a tolerant

Society being a sexual minority still

means being a minority and thus living a

life in which being understood and

accepted by the majority will often be

an uphill battle and that means even

when you're not facing open

ugly Prejudice Life as a gay person can

still be quite irritating at times due

to an ongoing lack of understanding many

otherwise well-meaning people have

towards gay is in fact somewhat

paradoxically I dare say that the rise

of Greater social tolerance towards gays

or at the very least the expectation of

that sort of Tolerance has probably

helped enable some of the obnoxious

behavior directed at gay people I want

to talk about today

so I was recently on the receiving end

of one of my biggest pet peeves as far

as this kind of stuff goes namely citing

a gay person's gayness as the single

most relevant and important thing about

them as you guys know I have been quite

active in opposing a piece of

legislation that has been making its way

through the Canadian Parliament Bill C11

hi I've talked about it a billion times

and I was recently interviewed by the

Canadian press one of this country's

major news syndicates about my efforts

and in the ensuing story here is how

they identified me on first mention JJ

McCullough an lgbtq content creator from

Vancouver I mean on one level yeah this

is literally true I am a content creator

who is lgbtq but is this really the most

relevant adjective that readers need to

understand who I am the video you are

watching right now is actually one of

the very few I've ever made in which I

discuss LGBT issues viewers are

sometimes surprised to learn that I'm

gay just because it doesn't often come

up on my channel the fact that I'm 38

years old or middle class or even white

is probably more useful information to

an uninformed reader trying to get a

sense of what kind of Creator I am but

to a certain sort of person I guess the

fact that I'm gay is the most noteworthy

thing about me the thing that jumps to

the top of the hierarchy of relevant JJ

facts because to them gay people are

still this very rare and exotic class of

creature meaning it is always very

exciting and newsworthy whenever a gay

person does anything it's not just me of

course lots of public figures wind up

getting defined by their sexuality in a

similar way before anything else their

reputation is being the gay actor or the

gay musician or the gay News man or the

gay CEO or whatever even worse is when

you get compared to other gay people who

are in a sort of vaguely similar field

to you but with whom you otherwise have

very little in common other than the

fact that you're also gay so for example

I have had people compare me to Dave

Rubin or even Milo yiannopoulos to men

with whom I feel I have very little

meaningful overlap beyond the fact that

we are gay guys who have opinions on

things I guess but if you think of

people as being primarily defined by

their sexuality then analyzing the

careers of people in a way that begins

with their LGBT status and working down

from there makes perfect sense I guess I

mean I do think it is good when we

acknowledge members of minority groups

whose very existence represents social

progress those who have accomplished

things that people like them would have

never been permitted to achieve a

generation ago but there definitely

comes a point where the existence of

that social progress is now pretty

obvious to everyone and fixating on

somebody's minority status as like the

fact about them starts to cross the line

from being supportive and celebratory to

just reductive and condescending and

speaking of condescension here is

Annoying Thing number two unsolicited

approval of gay relationships but before

we get to that I hope you will permit me

to share a brief word from today's

sponsor brilliant Hello friends so

today's sponsor is indeed brilliant the

very popular Math and Science Education

website that you can visit today at

brilliant.org and once you get there you

will see that it is home to thousands of

fun interactive lessons on basically

every scientific or mathematical

principle you could possibly hope to

learn now I know that here on this

channel we talk mostly about social

studies type things history and culture

and politics and contemporary social

debates like the one we're talking about

today so you might be thinking oh

science and math that boring stuff is

not relevant to my interests but that's

where you're wrong because the

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best way to learn so here is something

that has happened to me a few times that

I think many of my gay viewers will be

able to relate to I have been out on a

date or out with somebody that I'm

seeing and some stranger comes up to me

and congratulates me for what I'm doing

like here is a specific example a while

ago I was on a first date with some guy

and I guess things were going well

because we were holding hands as we were

walking together through the park and

this random middle-aged woman comes up

to us at one point and she is like I

just wanted to say that I think what you

two are doing is just great I can tell

you guys are just so much in love and I

think that's wonderful now cringe as

that sounds I have repeatedly been on

the receiving end of comments very much

like that one many times over the years

some people apparently think I crave

strangers approval of my relationship

which might not even be a relationship

in the first place obviously I

understand what is motivating this and

obviously it comes from a good place

people are aware that there was a time

in which showing any sort of same-sex

affection in public would be extremely

risky behavior and by going out of their

way to express that they're okay with

what they're seeing they want to

demonstrate how far Society has come but

I don't think the opposite of overt

Prejudice has to be overt approval I

frankly think it is far more reflective

of social progress when Once

controversial Things become so common

that they are not explicitly remarked

upon anymore but you know when people go

out of their way to ostentatiously

declare air that they are cool with gay

people doing some gay thing in public I

think we all know that it's really more

about them they are seeking to broadcast

their own pride and their own personal

sense of Enlightenment which is a good

thing to have but hey maybe keep it to

yourself eh all right and the third

obnoxious thing I want to talk about is

the Relentless sexualizing of all

same-sex relationships a gay person has

what I am talking about here is this

idea that if a gay man is friends with

another man or a gay woman is friends

with another woman then they must surely

be in love with them and want to have

sex with them or from the other

perspective if a straight man or woman

is close friends with a gay person of

the same sex then surely that person

must actually be gay as well or is at

least in the process of turning gay

gossip of this sort is something that I

have personally often been on the

receiving end of whenever I have a close

friendship with a straight man when I

was younger I noticed it tended to be

something that worried some of of my

male friends parents in particular like

hmm you sure are spending a lot of time

we ruined that gay guy JJ people are

gonna start asking questions so the idea

that gay people have some sort of out of

control predatory lust is of course a

very old stereotype but a version of

this has also survived and thrived in

more modern times where it is often

weirdly integrated into a form of

progressive tolerance so maybe the gay

friend isn't necessarily turning his

friend gay per se maybe he's just

helping him come out and isn't that nice

oh what a nice thing you're doing

helping him out like that whatever

narrative people dream up I really hate

this way of thinking because I see it as

such a big obstacle to building

meaningful friendships among diverse

peoples and in turn an obstacle to

building meaningful diverse communities

more broadly I don't think it is good

when gay people only have gay friends or

straight people only have straight

friends but if people insist on

relentlessly sexualizing friendships

that transcend and sexual groups then

people will be rationally nervous about

having those sorts of friendships and

like I said it's not just the boots

stamping out homophobia either like yes

some straight people will clearly find

it offensive if people think that

they're gay but I think that when you

sexualize a friendship you're also

implying a lot of negative things about

what is motivating that relationship

like Billy's only friends with Peter

because Peter's hot as opposed to

because Billy and Peter have a lot in

common or respect each other at some

deep personal level it's elevating sex

as the presumed main motive for why

anyone does anything in life which I

think is a broader problem in our

culture overall these days now is it

possible a gay person can have a crush

on a friend of the same sex sure of

course anyone can be attracted to anyone

but I do think in general that most gay

people are capable of grasping the

concept of when someone is romantically

or sexually unavailable I think the gay

people are often especially attuned to

this in fact just because historically

one of the worst most dangerous things

you could do as a gay is come on to a

straight person who is not interested

but even then I don't want to imply that

a gay person being friends with a

straight person somehow requires this

deep Act of willpower to avoid

sexualizing the relationship a lot of

times you just never think of them that

way in the same way you don't think

about a lot of people in your life in a

sexual way I guess a lot of what I'm

saying could also apply to straight

Friends of the opposite sex which is

also something that Society tends to

unfairly stigmatize and sexualize and

can foster enormous jealousy within

straight relationships but that said I

do think that male male or female female

friendships are uniquely important

things to protect just because they tend

to be the default form of friendship for

most people so when it comes to gay or

lesbian people wanting Friends of the

same sex I think we should be very

careful in how we talk about these

relationships just because I think that

same-sex friendships are some of the

most important relationships any of us

will ever have which makes it cruel or

even traumatizing to Gaslight or

pathologize gay people who pursue this

very basic human need so yeah those are

a couple of my personal annoyances when

it comes to being a gay man living in

the year 2023 I know I have a lot of

lgbtq people in my audience so I would

be very keen to hear from you guys about

what kind of somewhat less common pet

peeves you have about how other people

or the culture at large treats you in

the 21st century thank you so much for

watching and I will see you next week

[Music]

thank you