How to *actually* MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS (and stop reacting)
Summary
TLDRIn this video, Jills discusses the importance of emotional mastery for women to step into their power. She emphasizes the need for self-awareness, allowing oneself to feel emotions, and understanding triggers to avoid being a slave to emotions. Jills also highlights the difference between emotions and reactions, encouraging viewers to separate the two for better control over their lives.
Takeaways
- π Emotional Mastery is about being in control of your emotions, not suppressing them. It means you are the driver of how emotions influence your behavior and life.
- π§ Self-awareness is crucial for emotional intelligence and is the foundation for mastering your emotions. It helps you recognize and understand your own emotions, behavior, and thoughts.
- π Developing self-awareness involves being a curious observer of your life without judgment, allowing you to identify patterns and triggers that affect your emotions.
- π Allowing yourself to feel emotions is essential for emotional mastery. Suppressing emotions can lead to an overflow and loss of control, whereas acknowledging them helps in processing and healing.
- π Self-regulation is key to managing emotions. It involves giving yourself space and time to feel emotions appropriately, not necessarily expressing them in every situation.
- π₯ Triggers are situations or comments that spark immediate emotional reactions, often linked to deeper, unhealed wounds. Recognizing and understanding these triggers is vital for emotional growth.
- π± Healing core wounds is necessary to reduce the power of triggers. Unaddressed emotional wounds can control your reactions and emotions, preventing true emotional mastery.
- π€ Separating feelings from reactions is important for emotional mastery. While you can't control your emotions, you can control how you react to them, which is a choice.
- ποΈ The 'Let Them' theory encourages healthy detachment by allowing others to be themselves and accepting situations beyond your control, leading to less emotional reactivity.
- π Practicing emotional mastery involves recognizing triggers, healing emotional wounds, and consciously controlling reactions to maintain peace and power in your life.
Q & A
What is the main focus of the video by Jills?
-The video focuses on the concept of emotional mastery, teaching viewers how to manage their emotions to transition from a chaotic reactive state to an unbothered Queen energy.
What does Jills suggest is the first step towards mastering emotions?
-Jills suggests that the first step towards emotional mastery is developing self-awareness, which is the foundation of emotional intelligence and crucial for understanding one's own emotions, behavior, and thoughts.
Why is it important to allow oneself to feel emotions according to the video?
-Allowing oneself to feel emotions is important because it helps prevent emotions from building up to an unmanageable level, which can lead to explosive reactions. It also helps in processing emotions and not being controlled by them.
What is the role of self-regulation in emotional mastery?
-Self-regulation plays a key role in emotional mastery by enabling individuals to honor their emotions and not let them build up to uncontrollable levels. It involves giving oneself the space to feel emotions appropriately and taking ownership of them.
How does Jills define a 'trigger' in the context of emotions?
-In the context of emotions, a 'trigger' is defined as something that sparks an immediate emotional reaction, usually a negative one. It is something that causes an intense response due to a connection with a deeper, unhealed wound or core belief.
What is the significance of understanding one's triggers according to the video?
-Understanding one's triggers is significant because it reveals what is still unhealed and what one is still controlled by. It helps in identifying the core wounds that need healing to achieve emotional mastery.
How does the video suggest dealing with emotions that are overwhelming?
-The video suggests dealing with overwhelming emotions by allowing oneself to feel them in an appropriate setting, such as crying, hitting a pillow, or talking to a trusted person. This helps in processing the emotions and taking control over them.
What is the role of BetterHelp as mentioned in the video?
-BetterHelp is an online therapy platform mentioned in the video that connects individuals to licensed therapists. It offers services over the phone, video chat, or messaging, providing a convenient way to seek support for emotional healing.
What does Jills mean by 'let them theory' in the context of emotional reactions?
-The 'let them theory' refers to a practice of healthy detachment where one allows people to be who they are without trying to control them. It helps in reducing emotional reactivity and achieving peace by accepting the reality of situations beyond one's control.
How can one practice emotional self-mastery according to the video?
-One can practice emotional self-mastery by developing self-awareness, allowing oneself to feel and express emotions appropriately, understanding and healing core wounds, identifying triggers, and practicing healthy detachment by not forcing outcomes or controlling others.
What is the final message of the video regarding the relationship between peace and power?
-The final message of the video is that peace is power. It suggests that by letting go of the need to control everything and everyone, and by accepting situations as they are, one can achieve a sense of peace which in turn is a form of true power.
Outlines
π Mastering Emotions for Personal Power
The video script begins with an introduction to the concept of transitioning from a chaotic, reactive state to an 'Unbothered Queen' energy. The speaker, Jill, emphasizes the importance of emotional mastery for personal empowerment and offers resources for further development. Emotional mastery is clarified as not being emotionless but rather being in control of one's emotions to prevent them from dictating behavior. The foundation of this mastery is self-awareness, which is key to emotional intelligence. The speaker warns against living life on autopilot, highlighting the dangers of a lack of self-awareness and its potential to limit one's life experiences. The audience is encouraged to observe their emotions without judgment, as a step towards breaking free from emotional enslavement.
π The Importance of Feeling and Expressing Emotions
In this paragraph, Jill discusses the necessity of not only recognizing but also feeling and expressing one's emotions as part of emotional mastery. She points out that suppressing emotions can lead to a buildup that may result in explosive reactions. The speaker suggests finding appropriate ways to express emotions, such as physical activity or talking to a trusted person, as a means of taking ownership and preventing emotions from controlling one's life. Jill also shares her personal experience with emotional avoidance and how allowing oneself to feel emotions can lead to greater stability and security. The paragraph concludes with a promotion for BetterHelp, an online therapy platform, as a resource for those seeking support in their emotional journey.
π Understanding Emotional Triggers and Healing
The speaker delves into the concept of emotional triggers, explaining that they are situations or comments that elicit immediate and often negative emotional reactions. These triggers are linked to deeper, unhealed wounds or past traumas, which, when activated, can cause intense and sometimes disproportionate reactions. Jill provides an example involving a woman's reaction to her partner's comment about eating ice cream, which triggers memories of past body shaming and feelings of inadequacy. The speaker stresses that recognizing and healing these core wounds is essential for emotional mastery, as it allows individuals to respond to triggers in a healthier manner rather than being controlled by them.
π€― Separating Emotions from Reactions for Stoic Presence
In the final paragraph, Jill discusses the distinction between emotions and reactions, highlighting that while emotions are involuntary, reactions are a matter of choice. She advises that emotions are temporary, but the reactions to them can have lasting consequences. The speaker encourages taking a pause before reacting impulsively, especially when in doubt about the appropriate response. She also introduces the 'let them' theory, which is about practicing healthy detachment and allowing people to be who they are without trying to control them. This approach is presented as a way to achieve peace and true control, as well as to reveal people's true nature, ultimately empowering the individual to make informed choices about their relationships and life direction.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Emotional Mastery
π‘Self-awareness
π‘Reactive
π‘Emotions
π‘Stoic
π‘Triggers
π‘Core Wound
π‘Self-regulation
π‘Reactions
π‘Let Them Theory
Highlights
Emotional Mastery doesn't mean being emotionless; it's about controlling how emotions influence behavior.
Lack of self-awareness can lead to being a slave to emotions and reactions, damaging relationships and power.
Self-awareness is fundamental to emotional intelligence and taking control of one's life.
Many people live life on autopilot, controlled by emotions rather than self-regulating them.
Self-awareness helps understand emotions and reactions, preventing being stuck in old patterns.
Becoming the master of emotions involves allowing oneself to genuinely feel and express them.
Suppressing emotions ignores messages from the subconscious mind and can hinder healing.
Appropriate expression of emotions in suitable situations is part of emotional self-mastery.
Crying, physical release, or talking to a trusted person are ways to process emotions.
BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that can support emotional processing from home.
Emotional self-mastery involves understanding and learning from emotions, not just suppressing them.
Wallowing in emotions versus healthy expression is a crucial distinction for emotional health.
Triggers indicate core wounds that need healing and can lead to intense emotional reactions.
Healing core wounds reduces the power of triggers and leads to emotional stability.
Anger is often a secondary emotion covering more vulnerable feelings like sadness or fear.
Close relationships can trigger strong emotions due to deep-seated desires for love and acceptance.
The 'Let Them' theory by Mel Robbins encourages healthy detachment and reduces emotional reactivity.
Allowing people to be themselves without trying to control them can lead to peace and true control.
Reacting impulsively often doesn't lead to desirable outcomes; taking time to respond can be powerful.
Transcripts
if you want to go from chaotic reactive
energy to unbothered Queen energy you
must learn to master your emotions and
you will never fully be in the power
seat of your life until you can master
your
emotions hey friends welcome back if
you're new here my name is jills and I
help women step into their power tap
into their divine feminine and become
their best self so if that's something
you want to do you should subscribe and
stick around and in case you want more
from me you can also check out my awaken
your feminine energy course or of my
other digital downloads like my notion
template my workbooks Etc and they're
all linked down below so in this video
I'm going to break down exactly how to
master your emotions what it even means
to master your emotions how to stop
reacting and why it all matters so let's
get one thing straight emotional Mastery
does not mean that you are emotionless
it doesn't mean that you need to shut
down everything that you feel and in
fact that's the opposite of what you
want emotional Mastery simply means that
you are in the driver's seat of how
those emotions are experienced and the
role they play in your life and the
impact they have in your behavior and if
you don't have this you will always be a
slave to your emotions and your triggers
you will always be reacting you can lose
respect from people it can damage your
relationships and it will strip you of
your power so if you want to be the
master of your emotions then there is
one very important thing that you need
and that is self-awareness
self-awareness is hands down what are
the most powerful things that you can
have to level up your life and become
your best self and self-awareness is the
foundation of emotional intelligence
think about it if you cannot recognize
and understand your own emotions your
own behavior your own thoughts how can
you ever get in the driver seat of your
life so many people unfortunately live
their life completely in autopilot they
are not in control of their emotions and
their life and instead their emotions
control them their emotions dictate
their behavior and they're just so busy
and so caught up and you know the
everyday hustle and bustle of life and
their to-dos that they completely lose
that connection with themselves and it
may sound harmless but in my personal
opinion a lack of self-awareness is
actually one of the most damaging and
limiting traits that you can have and it
will hold you back in every area of your
life not being able to take a step back
and be like why do I feel this way why
am I reacting this way why did I just
freak out like that and why did I just
blow up like that why do I seem to get
stuck in this same old pattern why am I
the way that I am why is this emotion
coming up how does that past stressful
traumatic relationship still impacting
me today now if you chose to watch this
video and this is a topic that you're
interested in then you probably have at
least a decent amount of self-awareness
and self-connection there but one way to
improve this and think about it is like
just allowing yourself to be the Curious
Observer of your life not judging
yourself not criticizing yourself just
curiously observing yourself your life
your emotions your Behavior you will
never master your emotions until you can
first get comfy observing yourself
because if you're never aware of the
emotions the feelings the reactions that
are holding you back then you will never
break free from them okay so let's talk
about emotions though because being the
master of your emotions does not mean
that you never feel them here's the
thing it might seem a little bit ironic
but in order to master your emotions you
have to let yourself feel your emotions
and it's often times the people who are
most disconnected from their emotions
and their feelings who end up being
controlled by their emotions and who end
up being the most reactive like you know
the person that just kind of like snaps
or yells out of nowhere they have become
so disconnected from their emotions
their feelings their inner world that
they keep pushing those feelings under
the rug pushing them under the rug
pushing them under the rug until
eventually one day that level of emotion
reaches a certain point where it becomes
so hard to manage and so they explode
and they become controlled by it because
we become controlled by our emotions
when it reaches a certain level or
threshold whereas if they allowed
themselves to feel those emotions as
they come up it wouldn't have reached
that overflow point and they wouldn't
have been as controlled by them when it
comes to self-regulation and being more
stoic and being less reactive you need
to honor those emotions you feel before
they build up to a level where you
cannot control them emotions are not
irrational emotions are not weakness
emotions are the subconscious mind
communicating with us when you push down
and ignore your emotions you're ignoring
messages from the deeper parts of
yourself you're ignoring Sensations that
the body needs to experience and feel in
order to move on and heal so the next
step toward emotional self-mastery after
developing self-awareness is letting
yourself feel those emotions when you're
in an appropriate place to do so a job
interview is probably not the best time
to have a breakdown about your recent
breakup your big grad school
presentation is probably not the best
time to snap at your professor your
kids's fifth birthday party is probably
not the best time to cry about how
stressed you are but this is why
self-awareness is so important when you
notice you have those emotions you can't
always fully Express them and let them
out in the moment you know depending on
the situation it's not always
appropriate and that is a part of
emotional self-mastery but you do need
to let yourself feel them you do need to
give yourself the space to feel them
feeling them is how your body processes
them not just intellectualizing them and
thinking about your feelings but
actually feeling your feelings and there
is the difference crying hitting a
pillow you know shaking your whole body
or taking yourself to the gym so you can
release them there or talking to a
person you trust this is how you take
ownership of your emotions and stay in
control so they don't end up controlling
you when I was younger I was a lot more
reactive of a person because I didn't
really allow myself to feel my emotions
and connect with what was going on I was
more of an avoidant attachment type of
person and whether this is actually true
or not I didn't really feel like I had
anyone that I could talk to and I know
that if I did have someone to talk to
and I just actually felt those emotions
instead of suppressing them I would have
been a lot more stable and secure as a
person and that is where better help
comes in who is kindly sponsoring this
video betterhelp is an online therapy
platform that connects you virtually to
a licensed therapist what I love about
better help is that you can do it
completely over the phone or the
computer so you can do it either over
video chat or a phone call or even just
messaging it's totally up to you it's so
easy to sign up just go to my link
betterhelp.com jills you'll answer a
quick questionnaire and they'll match
you with a professional usually within
48 Hours let betterhelp connect you to a
therapist who can support you all from
the comfort of your own home visit
betterhelp.com jills or just choose
Jill's Garen during sign up and receive
a discount on your first month so thank
you better help and now let's get back
into it everyone has emotions everyone
deals with emotions it's what makes us
human for emotional self-mastery you
need to let yourself feel them Express
them and observe them get curious about
them what are those emotions saying to
you what can you learn from them what
are they trying to communicate or maybe
what needs to be released now I want to
make a quick point about this though as
crucial as it is to feel your feelings
there is a point you can cross and only
you will know where that point is where
you are no longer healthily expressing
your feelings and instead you are just
sitting in them you are wallowing in
them you are being victim to them and
you're continuing to recreate that
difficult emotional experience for
yourself over and over again right like
there's an important difference between
feeling your feelings and just wallowing
in them and perpetuating them my best
advice for this is when you need to
express an emotion you will usually feel
it in your body maybe you'll feel a
heaviness in your chest or a lump in
your throat or like an anger that's like
rising up inside you in your body but
when you're choosing to stay stuck in it
and wallow in it you tend to feel it
more in your mind you're not necessarily
feeling it anymore you're thinking about
it you're ruminating on it and what
you're accidentally doing is you are
continuing to perpetuate that negative
feeling so self-awareness and allowing
yourself to actually feel your emotions
those are the first two steps in my
opinion for emotional self-mastery but
it's not everything so let's dive in a
little bit deeper and let's dive into
your triggers almost everyone has what
we call triggers and how you react to
them will tell yourself and everyone
else around you how how in control you
are of yourself your life your emotions
and this is what will differentiate the
chaotic reactive crazy person from the
calm cool confident unbothered person so
a trigger is when something happens or
when someone says something that Sparks
an immediate emotional reaction in you
usually a negative one and that thing
that triggered you it might not feel
like a very big deal to anyone else but
to you it feels like an immediate big
deal to you you get an immediate
emotional reaction from it so here is
just like a madeup example that we're
going to use to help understand this and
break it down so let's say that you and
your partner just had dinner at home and
you're craving dessert so you open up
the freezer and you grab like that big
carton of chocolate ice cream and your
boyfriend goes are you sure you want to
eat that and you immediately get angry
you immediately react you start yelling
that you can eat whatever you want now
the reason he said that is because you
ate that same chocolate ice cream last
night and you complained for 2 hours
about how much it made your stomach hurt
and you know that but regardless what he
said triggered you you impulsively
reacted it was almost like your body
took over in that moment the reason
these triggers can have so much power
over us and cause us to react so
intensely is because they trigger a core
wound within us and the reason you got
so angry about the ice cream is not
necessarily because of what he said but
because it triggered one of your core
wounds that has not yet been healed it
triggered those memories in your
subconscious mind about how in high
school your mom would always be talking
to you about your weight and how you
should probably lose a few pounds and
how you probably shouldn't eat that it's
too many calories and how when she was
your age she weighed much less than you
you felt like you were never good enough
for her you felt like she tried to
control the things that you ate and the
way that you looked growing up she made
you feel insecure about your body and
yourself so when your boyfriend lovingly
said are you sure you want to eat that
because he knows that it's going to give
you quite the tummy ache those past
emotions and feelings from your
childhood instantly came up but not
necessarily in your conscious mind
though but in your subconscious mind and
in your body I'm going to tell you
something that is so simple but so
important and if it's the only thing
that you take away from this video
that's fine your triggers tell you what
it is you still need to heal I'm going
to say that one more time your triggers
tell you what is still unhealed and what
you are still controlled by and often
times they do go back to Childhood
beliefs and old childhood wounds they
don't have to but this is why that
self-awareness piece is so important
most of us have at least one core wound
usually stemming from childhood that if
left unhealed you will keep continuing
to feel that pain over and over again
and you will continue to be controlled
by that pain over and over again and it
will control your emotions your life
your behavior and your reactions like
for example your core wound might be I
never feel good enough I don't feel
lovable enough I don't want to feel
rejected again I don't want to be
abandoned again or maybe your core wound
is that you never truly felt hurt
another example if your boyfriend's said
that he was going to call you on his
lunch break and when he was at work when
it was his lunchtime he didn't call you
and you flip out you freak out you start
spam texting him and spam calling him
and just getting so angry and it just
elicited this like immediate intense
emotional reaction in you now your
boyfriend got invited to go on this
really really important work meeting
that was like a lunch work meeting and
so he just didn't have the ability to
call you but you got so reactive and
angry because deep down you still have a
wound there around feeling rejected or
around feeling abandoned this is why
people who lack self-awareness and lack
emotional intelligence get completely
knocked out by their triggers when you
heal the core wound those triggers no
longer have control over you but until
then that person that thing that
situation will always be the one in the
driver's seat not you and you will never
fully be able to master your emotions
until you are able to notice the
reaction identify the connection to a
deeper wound there and heal and release
it so you will know if it's a true
trigger if you react really impulsively
to something and feel like that feeling
kind of takes you over and often times
that feeling is anger it doesn't have to
be but a lot of times that trigger
elicits anger but here's the thing with
anger anger is usually a secondary
emotion think of it as like the tip of
the iceberg it's kind of like the tough
Shield that we put on and that we Show
the World to hide those more vulnerable
emotions underneath like if you really
think about it underneath that anger is
usually a heavier or more vulnerable
emotion like sadness or fear like in the
ice cream example that comment really
triggers her and she immediately gets
angry but underneath that anger is
something deeper it's probably a sort of
sadness or fear or rejection around not
feeling good enough as she is or maybe a
deeper feeling of insecurity and you
might notice that it's often times the
people that we are closest to that can
actually trigger us the most you know
like think about your family and your
parents or your partner or maybe your
very best friend who you've known since
third grade and that's because these are
the people who We crave love acceptance
approval validation from the most right
like some random person on the internet
can say something mean about me or write
something mean in the comments and it's
kind of like eh you know whatever but if
my husband were to say that exact same
thing it would be like knife to the
chest so the point I'm trying to make is
that when you get triggered it's not
necessarily the situation per se that's
triggering you but instead those
emotions are sred up because your
subconscious mind is remembering and
reacting to the original trauma that you
once experienced so again I know I'm
repeating myself here but you become
controlled by your emotions when you
refuse to look at them when you refuse
to connect to them it's that
disconnection from your emotions and
that disconnection from your Deeper Self
that causes you to be out of control and
that causes you to react the people who
react the most they have a hard time
looking deep within themselves and
there's this quote from the book
unlocking the quantum Woman by shamina
Taylor and I just think it's so funny
and accurate and I highlighted it she
says truth is we all get triggered
sometimes and the only people who think
that they truly have everything under
control are the ones who absolutely
don't so you'll know when you're
starting to truly master your emotions
because you you'll be able to start
identifying those triggers and stop
impulsively reacting to them and
eventually once you heal that deeper
wound those triggers will start to
completely dissipate remember it's not
about suppressing the emotion it's about
being conscious of the emotion so you
can then suppress and control and
maintain power over the reaction and
that brings me to my next point to
really master your emotions and to have
more of that stoic presence you need to
be able to separate your feelings from
your reactions and to not just master
your emotions but to also master your
reactions your emotions are your
emotions you don't really have that much
control over how you feel but your
reactions that is just your behavior for
the most part that is a choice just
because you're experiencing a certain
emotion it doesn't necessarily mean that
you need to have a certain reaction
emotions are neither good or bad but it
is the reaction to our emotions that can
either be good or bad remember that your
emotions are temporary but the decisions
you make and the things that you say are
permanent if you don't know in the
moment how you want to react to
something and you don't want to
accidentally do or say something that
you might regret you can take a pause
you can pause before reacting because
first of all that silence itself can be
quite powerful but also sometimes you
just need 5 Seconds 5 minutes or even a
whole day to sleep on it first and then
respond in the way that you want
reacting out of impulsivity usually
won't get you far and with that said
though every action does not always
deserve a reaction it's not always
necessary you don't always need closure
you don't always need to prove a point
your desire to win will cost you your
peace and your peace is your power
epitus one of the most famous ancient
stoic philosophers said it's not what
happens to you but how you react to it
that matters it's not just about
mastering your emotions it's also about
mastering your reactions and your
emotions and your reactions are not the
same thing and lastly let's talk about
the let them Theory I believe this was
coined by Mel Robbins I'm not totally
sure on that though but it's simple and
I think this is an important thing to
mention in regards to this topic so I'm
just going to play what she has to say
so I've been using this thing called the
let them Theory I love this I want you
to try it here's how it works the next
time you feel left out your friends all
go out to brunch together and they don't
invite you let them or maybe the person
you're dating doesn't want a commitment
let them or perhaps uh your spouse does
not want to do the 5K with you let them
your company is laying people off let
them you spend so much time and energy
trying to control other people and
getting emotionally worked up about
things that are beyond your control you
can tap into peace and true control if
you let them be themselves and here's
the other thing if you let them people
will then reveal who they truly are and
when they reveal who they truly are to
you you you now know what you can choose
next that's right for you so let them
here's the thing when you try to control
everything it can cause you to
emotionally spiral because you can't
control everything it's impossible and
the let them theory is really just
another way to practice healthy
Detachment when you do not force when
you allow people to be who they are when
you embrace the uncertainty of life you
will naturally be less emotionally
reactive to things oh your boyfriend
doesn't want to date you anymore okay
let them leave it's ironic but you will
feel so much more powerful and so much
more in control of your life your mom
thinks that you made the wrong decision
quitting your job okay let her think
that it's the resistance to that that
causes us to suffer and that causes us
to emotionally react and like Mel Robin
said when you let them people will show
who they are and that really is a gift
the more you try to control everyone and
everything the less in control you will
feel and again your desire to win your
desire to always be right your desire to
try to prove a point your desire to
always have things go right your desire
to always be in control will cost you
your peace and your peace is your power
that is it I truly hope that you got
value from this video thank you so much
for sticking around till the very end
and leave a comment down below let me
know your thoughts on this topic I'd
love to know but besides that I will see
you next time in my next video bye
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