Does Sex Before Marriage Affect The Relationship?

Summary

In this episode, Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Holmes discuss the widespread nature of premarital sex and its impact on relationships and marriage. They explore the concept of sexual compatibility, the psychological and emotional implications of multiple partners, and the benefits of waiting until marriage for a fulfilling sexual relationship. The conversation also includes advice for parents on how to talk openly with their children about sex, emphasizing the importance of intimacy, trust, and commitment within marriage.

Takeaways

• 👥 We are inherently sexual beings, with a small percentage being asexual.
• 📊 Most people in America are sexually active before marriage, and it's widespread across various age groups.
• ❓ There's a debate about whether premarital sex is good, bad, or makes no difference.
• 📅 The 'third date rule' is common for initiating sex, which can negatively impact future marriages.
• 🔄 Multiple sexual partners before marriage can lead to comparisons and dissatisfaction in marital sex life.
• 🚫 Parents should openly discuss sex with their children to guide them toward understanding the importance of waiting until marriage.
• 💑 Sex within marriage is advocated as it fosters trust, intimacy, commitment, and a deeper connection between partners.
• 📚 Educating children about sex in an open, respectful manner is crucial to help them make informed decisions.
• 🎁 Waiting to have sex until marriage can build anticipation and excitement, enhancing the marital relationship.
• 💬 Communication between partners about their sexual beliefs and expectations before marriage is essential for compatibility.

Q & A

What is the main topic of discussion in the 'Marriage Helper' podcast featuring Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Holmes?

The main topic of the podcast is the prevalence of sexual activity before marriage and its potential impact on future marital relationships.

According to the podcast, what is the general view on asexuality among human beings?

The podcast suggests that asexuality is rare among human beings, with most people being sexual beings.

What does Kimberly Holmes think about the widespread nature of premarital sex in America?

Kimberly Holmes believes that premarital sex is very widespread, with studies showing the percentage of people engaged in sexual acts starting from age 14 and extending to those in their 80s.

What is the 'third date' logic mentioned in the podcast, and what is the potential issue with it?

The 'third date' logic refers to the expectation that individuals should become sexually active by the third date. The issue with this is the potential for destructive impacts on future marriages, either by creating comparisons or by leading to dissatisfaction with a single partner.

Why might having multiple sexual partners before marriage affect sexual satisfaction in a marriage, according to Dr. Joe Beam?

Dr. Joe Beam explains that having multiple sexual partners before marriage can lead to a habit of comparing different experiences and expectations, which can make it difficult for one person to satisfy the individual sexually within a marriage.

What is the argument against premarital sex based on the idea of 'becoming one' in a relationship?

The argument is that sex is not just a physical act but an emotional and spiritual joining of two people. Premarital sex with multiple partners can dilute this experience and make it harder to achieve true unity in marriage.

What advice does Dr. Joe Beam give to a woman who was considering having sex with a stranger before her wedding to avoid being a 'virgin' on her wedding night?

Dr. Joe Beam advises against it, stating that it would complicate the experience with her future husband and lead to potential comparisons and dissatisfaction.

What is the potential impact of engaging in sexual activity with 60 different partners before marriage, as mentioned in the podcast?

The potential impact is a heightened likelihood of finding a single partner sexually unsatisfying due to the variety of experiences and expectations set by the numerous previous encounters.

What is the Triune view of human beings as discussed in the podcast, and how does it relate to sex within marriage?

The Triune view suggests that humans consist of a physical, logical, and emotional part, and possibly a spiritual aspect. Sex within marriage is seen as fulfilling on all these levels, leading to a deeper and more meaningful connection.

What advice does the podcast give to parents about discussing sex with their children?

The podcast advises parents to have open and frank conversations about sex with their children, using correct anatomical terms and creating a comfortable environment for questions, to avoid misconceptions and promote healthy attitudes towards sex.

What is the final recommendation from the podcast regarding premarital sex and the importance of discussing sexual compatibility before marriage?

The podcast recommends that individuals abstain from premarital sex and have open discussions about sexual compatibility and expectations with their future spouse to ensure a strong foundation for their marriage.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 Understanding Pre-Marital Sex in America

Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Holmes discuss the prevalence of pre-marital sex in America, referencing a study that details sexual activity from age 14 to 80s. They explore the common belief in testing sexual compatibility before marriage and its potential negative impact on future relationships. Kimberly highlights the normalization of sex on the third date among young women, even among those raised with conservative values.

05:00

🤔 The Consequences of Multiple Sexual Partners

Dr. Joe Beam shares a story of a young woman contemplating losing her virginity just before marriage and advises against it to avoid future comparisons and dissatisfaction. He recounts another case of a woman who had numerous partners before marriage and now finds her husband sexually boring. The discussion emphasizes how multiple pre-marital partners can lead to unrealistic sexual expectations and dissatisfaction within marriage.

10:03

❤️ The Importance of Sexual Exclusivity in Marriage

Kimberly Holmes reflects on the benefits of sexual exclusivity within marriage, sharing her personal experience of being with only her husband. They discuss the cultural narrative that sex brings happiness and the contrasting belief that sex should be reserved for marriage. Dr. Beam explains the Triune nature of humans (physical, logical, and emotional) and how true fulfillment in sex comes from a holistic union within marriage.

15:03

🎁 The Joy of Waiting Until Marriage

The conversation shifts to the significance of waiting for sex until marriage, likening it to the anticipation of Christmas. They touch on the possibility that conservative religious beliefs might lead to earlier marriages to avoid pre-marital sex. Dr. Beam advises that true sexual fulfillment comes from a deep, committed relationship rather than just physical gratification.

👪 Parenting and Open Conversations About Sex

Dr. Beam stresses the importance of parents having open and honest conversations about sex with their children. He suggests that discussing sexuality openly from a young age can demystify it and make children more comfortable approaching their parents with questions. Kimberly shares a personal anecdote to illustrate how parents' openness about sex can impact their children's attitudes and behaviors.

💬 Key Takeaways and Parental Guidance

The episode concludes with a summary of key points: the importance of reserving sex for marriage to build trust, vulnerability, and intimacy; encouraging those who are sexually active outside marriage to stop and wait for a committed relationship. Dr. Beam also addresses concerns about sexual compatibility and suggests open conversations between partners before marriage. Kimberly emphasizes the role of parents in guiding their children through discussions about sex.

Keywords

💡Sexual beings

The concept that humans are inherently driven by sexual desires and behaviors. This idea is foundational to the discussion, as it addresses the natural aspect of human sexuality and its implications for relationships and marriage. The script acknowledges the rarity of asexuality and focuses on the majority who experience sexual attraction and activity.

💡Premarital sex

Engaging in sexual activities before marriage. The script discusses the prevalence of premarital sex in America and debates whether it is beneficial, harmful, or inconsequential. The conversation examines cultural norms and personal beliefs surrounding sexual compatibility and the impact of multiple sexual partners on future marital satisfaction.

💡Sexual compatibility

The idea that partners should ensure they are sexually compatible before marriage. The script explores the logic behind this belief and its potential pitfalls, such as comparing future marital sex to past sexual experiences, which can lead to dissatisfaction.

💡Cultural norms

The accepted standards and practices within a society regarding behaviors and beliefs, particularly relating to sex. The script contrasts cultural norms that endorse premarital sex with more conservative, often religious, viewpoints that advocate for abstinence until marriage.

💡Christian perspective on sex

The belief held by many Christians that sex should be reserved for marriage. The speakers emphasize their religious conviction that sex within marriage fosters deeper intimacy and commitment, aligning with their interpretation of biblical teachings.

💡Emotional and spiritual intimacy

The deep connection and unity that sex can foster between partners beyond the physical act. The script discusses how sex within marriage can enhance emotional and spiritual bonds, contributing to a more fulfilling relationship.

💡Impact of multiple sexual partners

The potential negative effects on marital satisfaction when one has had numerous sexual partners before marriage. The script shares anecdotes and research suggesting that prior sexual experiences can lead to comparisons and reduced sexual satisfaction in marriage.

💡Parental guidance

The role of parents in educating their children about sex and relationships. The script advises parents to have open and honest conversations with their children about sex, promoting values of intimacy and commitment within marriage.

💡Sexual fulfillment

Achieving satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity. The script argues that true sexual fulfillment is best achieved within the context of a committed marriage, where partners can fully trust and connect with each other.

💡Marriage Helper

The organization represented by Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Holmes, focusing on marriage and relationship counseling. Their insights and advice in the script stem from their professional experience and research in the field of marriage and sexuality.

Highlights

Humans are inherently sexual beings, and while some are asexual, they are rare.

Most people in America are sexually active before marriage, raising questions about its impact.

The idea of testing sexual compatibility before marriage is common, but its long-term effects are debated.

There is a prevalent belief that having multiple sexual partners can affect future marital sexual satisfaction.

Studies show that even individuals with strong religious beliefs often engage in premarital sex.

Sexual compatibility and satisfaction in marriage can be negatively impacted by having many partners before marriage.

Comparing one's spouse to previous sexual partners can lead to dissatisfaction and marital issues.

Sexual activity before marriage can imprint certain expectations and standards that might not be met by a single partner.

The speaker advises against premarital sex, emphasizing its potential to harm future marital relationships.

A personal anecdote highlights how multiple premarital partners led to a woman's dissatisfaction in her marriage.

The conversation discusses the importance of intimacy, passion, and commitment in a marriage.

Open and honest conversations about sex between parents and children can help guide better decisions.

Waiting until marriage to have sex can build excitement and anticipation, contributing to a stronger bond.

Cultural beliefs often conflict with the idea of waiting until marriage for sex, but the benefits are significant.

The podcast encourages listeners to change their behavior if they have been sexually active outside of marriage.

Transcripts

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let's face it we are sexual beings I

mean we're made to be sexual beings

there are some people who are asexual

but they're really very rare when it

comes to human beings well since we are

sexual beings we talk about having sex

in marriage but we also have to face the

fact that we know that most people in

America are actually sexually active

before they get married is that a good

thing a bad thing or does it make no

difference at all

let's talk about that I'm Dr Joe Beam

with marriage helper along with Kimberly

Holmes our CEO and leader Kimberly how

widespread do you think it is that

people are having sex well before they

get married I would say very very

widespread

there's actually we if I had it in front

of me I know right now they have a study

that was done just a few years ago where

by age group they can tell you what

percentage of girls have done what sex

acts and what percentage of boys have

done what sex acts and it starts about

age 14 and then it goes on from there up

to people who are actually in their 80s

what percentage of people are still

sexually active and when you look at

statistics like that and it was a very

well done study you see that most people

whether they're married or not are

having sex and some people who are

married are having sex they shouldn't be

having because it's with somebody else

but let's talk about people out there

who are not married right now who are

thinking

maybe you know if I'm gonna marry

somebody wouldn't I need to see if we're

sexually compatible what about that

logic

yeah it's first of all it's

right I mean I was hearing just the

other day a couple of girls talking

about talking about it and talking about

how on the third date is kind of when

you start having sex and all I think is

uh uh for a lot of personal reasons

because I know how destructive that can

be for a future marriage right whether

you marry that person or not

maybe even worse if you don't marry that

person the more sexual partners you have

you're the sexologist but it has to

impact the sexual satisfaction you have

in your marriage without a doubt and

that third day thing is actually pretty

common several years ago I'm talking

about a long time ago now there was a

group of single women here in Nashville

where we are in Nashville Tennessee and

these were all uh dedicated church-going

Christian young women who were saying

that you slept with a guy on the third

date not long after that our friend

Dudley out in Oklahoma uh Dudley Chansey

Dr Chancey actually did a little survey

with some single Christian women and

they said it's the third day when you

finally sleep with another guy and these

were people who had been raised in

churches that said that you should be

celibate until you marry and so yes it's

highly prevalent now have we talked

about before some of the downsides of

what that means I don't believe that we

have I don't think we've had this

conversation before at least recorded

for other people to hear okay okay very

good uh because of the fact that I have

studied sex for many many years I am a

sexologist and uh when Kimberly was

still in college she took one of my

human sexuality classes at the

University and one day when we were

talking about certain parts of the

female anatomy one of the uh one of the

other young women in the class looked at

her and said is this like freaking you

out to which Kimberly replied at our

home this is dinner conversation

so will it affect you now think about it

this way if we start looking at the

average number of sex partners you can

find where that is for men in America

and around the world you can find out

what it is for women but we're not

looking at statistics here we're looking

at okay what is the effect so Kimberly

once I was on Woody and Gem one of the

most popular radio programs here in

Nashville Tennessee rock and roll

station and you know for a couple of

years I'd go over there once a month and

I would take calls on that rock and roll

station about relationships and so this

one time a lady called in and she said

I'm getting married Saturday

congratulations she said I'm a virgin

congratulations and this was like a

Wednesday she said so I think what I

need to do

is to go to a club tonight pick up a guy

and have sex because when I get married

on Saturday if I'm still a virgin that

will be the only sex partner I've ever

had and I think I need not to cheat

myself like that

what would you have said to her

I would have said

beautiful woman please do not do this to

yourself I mean at the end of it it's

why would you well granted I've heard

you tell this story before but why would

you

take that beautiful experience that will

just be between you and your husband at

this point and bring in another person

to make it hazy you're going to be

comparing your spouse at that point to

this person thinking about well now that

I've had two experiences what would it

be like if it was someone else you just

add too much into your mind to wander

with when you bring more than one sexual

partner in your life and that's

basically what I said to her if you wait

till Saturday he's going to be the best

lover you've ever had but just suppose

that you pick up some guy tonight and

he's particularly skilled at it then

you'll start comparing your husband and

it's going to turn out bad so on another

occasion talk to a young lady who was 26

years old she had married at 21 and she

and her husband come to one of our

workshops because of the fact that their

marriage was in big trouble and during

one of the breaks just the two of us

were talking and I asked her I said so

what's what's the main problem in your

marriage here and she said I'm just

sexually bored and I need to have more

sexual excitement now I'm looking at her

husband across the room and he's a

good-looking guy and he's in good

physical shape and those kinds of things

and so I said why is it not giving you

what you want and then I thought and

asked another question I said so tell me

when you first became sexually active

she said at 16 and I said when did you

marry him she said 21. now and those

five years between the time you became

sexually active and the time you married

this guy how many different men were you

with and she said 60 s-i-x-t-y 60.

and I said is it any wonder that this

guy

you find dull and boring because you've

been making love to him for five years

when in the previous five years you had

different

sizes of men some tall some short Etc

you've had different skill levels of men

etc etc you have conditioned yourself

that it should be different over and

over and over again always a new

experience you have actually imprinted

that into your brain

and until and unless

you can find some way to get past that

there is no one man who will ever

sexually satisfy you because the more

Partners you have whether you're male or

female the more partners that you have

before you get married the more that's

going to affect your sexual satisfaction

level in the marriage because you're

going to be comparing whether you think

you will or not

right I'm sitting here thinking about

how first of all I am I am blessed that

I grew up in a home that taught me

morals about sex to that's something

that happens between a husband and a

wife to wait till you're married all of

those things and so

we did right like Rob and I are just Rob

and I that's I for both of us that's the

only person we've ever had

and I'm so thankful because it's such an

intimate and vulnerable thing that if I

thought that I was being compared with

him with someone else like that would be

difficult and then same on the other way

around but I'm also well aware that this

is not what all parents teach their kids

no and also it's a cultural belief that

sex makes you happy so you should just

have sex with whoever when you want to

all of those things and so what you and

I are saying well I don't know if we've

explicitly said it yet but we believe

sex should be something that happens

within a marriage right between those

two people

um but that goes against everything that

culture is saying but we've talked about

love on previous programs and according

to sternberg's research love has three

basic components one is intimacy into me

see where you can be open and

transparent and vulnerable you build

that trust another is session which has

a sexual component but it's basically

about a craving for Oneness and then

there's commitment which is almost a

daily decision that I'm going to do

whatever it takes to keep this

relationship alive now that's what love

is now I don't know if we've ever talked

about this before but I personally see

human beings as being Triune Triune that

there's basically three parts of us and

you say what what do you mean well

there's the physical part of us you

understand and then there's the logical

part of us and then there's the

emotional part of us you see logic and

emotions are not the same thing

no no they really are one can be

analyticals primarily off what you're

feeling at the moment and if you want to

look in a spiritual kind of way where

Triune being in the sense that not only

do we have a body but we also have a

spirit and a soul and you look at those

things and say so what's your point

if you really have sex in the way it was

designed to be fulfilled it's not just

to make a baby although that's the way

we're designed we are designed that sex

makes babies I mean that's that's the

way we're put together

but in the way that it was designed to

be and I'll just refer to my religion

for a minute where he talked about that

Adam knew his wife e that's back in our

book of Genesis and other parts of my

Bible it will talk about knowing your

wife becoming one with your wife or your

husband I even wrote a book called

becoming one about that it's not just

having two bodies joined together

but two hearts

two minds two two Souls join you

together

and you can't do that with a lot of

different people so your sister Joanna

went with me once when I spoke at a

youth thing you know this was a hundred

years ago over in Washington State

and so we went to this thing and I was

speaking to all these teenagers and

Joanne had flown it out there with me

and the youth ministers

um and youth literatures can be actually

tough they had gotten this uh this gray

duct tape you guys know what I'm talking

about right this tuck tape and they got

three boys up on the stage that had

hairy arms and they put that duct tape

around the first boy's arm and they said

that's what it's like when you become

one so what is it like when you lose it

and they rip that off that boy he

screamed and and they hold up this thing

in little hairs I hang out of it so they

had to catch the second boy

and then they finally put it around him

and he didn't hurt much at all and they

couldn't make it stick

on the third boy

oh because they use the same pieces and

they said you can't be one with

everybody and I thought you know kind of

tough on the boys for the illustration

but it makes sense if sex is just sex

you're missing out on a lot I mean a

whole lot if it's really two people

joining themselves together as a one

where it's an emotional experience a

spiritual experience a mental experience

then it's as it was designed to be

so what do you say to people who say but

it's my right

it is the right they can do what they

wish to do but it's also their right to

uh drink a gallon of arsenic if that's

what they want to do I mean you look at

people and go it's my right yeah you

have a right to do all kinds of stuff

but is that going to be wise is that

going to be smart basically what it

boils down to is what do you want what

do you really want well if you want to

live you won't drink the Orchid uh the

Arsenic if you if you want a deeply

meaningful relationship that's beyond

what just sex can do

then we'd say don't have sex until

you're married if you've already been

having sex stop

do it with a person that you can commit

to completely because that's then where

you will have what you're looking for

now if you're just looking for a

physical sexual thrill

it's easy to find

but you're really really missing out

what do you say to the people who are

engaged so they know they're going to be

married they know this is the person I'm

going to be with what's the harm in

having sex before marriage I think part

of it and this is going to be a silly

illustration it's kind of like Christmas

it's like I know what's coming I'm

looking forward to it and it actually

builds my excitement

that I'm waiting for the day when that

can happen mm-hmm

this is

question a little bit out of left field

but

do you think that

in the Christian Community the age tends

to skew a little younger for getting

married

do you think that is because more of

them are more likely to wait until

marriage therefore they get married

younger

in order to be able to have sex

that's possible

that is possible I don't I don't know

any statistics on that they probably

exist I just don't know what they are I

do know that the more conservative

religion

the less likely you are to have sex

before marriage

but if if somebody was getting married

just so they could finally have sex I'd

be saying that's probably not going to

give you what you're looking for you

want a person that you can Unite with

Body Mind heart and soul and so don't

get married just to have sex then make

sure that that you can put all that

together now if you can't control your

sex drive then maybe go ahead and get

married that's what First Corinthians 7

says but otherwise what you're looking

for is the person you can be one with

for the rest of your life

what advice would you give to parents

that are listening to this podcast so

many of our listeners may already be

married this doesn't necessarily apply

to them but it probably applies to their

kids how would you encourage them to

talk about these concepts with their

kids well locking them in their bedroom

till they're 21 is not the best idea

okay it actually has to do with

conversation

things are more well let me use the word

tempting things are more tempting when

you don't know much about it like I just

got sort of an idea of what that would

be like because when a kid starts going

through puberty male or female they

start feeling some of these sexual

drives and urges and boys start noticing

girls and girls start noticing boys and

and they start feeling emotions when

they feel all those things and and

they're being prepared to be sexual

people

the best thing to do

is to talk openly about that

I mean make it where it's not going to

be evil and dirty but you use the right

anatomical terms and and you make it

where

that your children can feel comfortable

asking you anything and the way that you

build that is that early on you are very

Frank and open with them not crude not

rude you're not using Street language

that's bad but but helping them know hey

we can talk about these things that's

what we did with you and and you and Rob

I remember when you went to get your

exam before you got married you got mad

at the doctor remember that

yes but why do you what do you remember

you told me because of the fact that

they asked you guys how how long you've

been having sex already I was thinking

of a different exam yes then that is

exactly what he said and I said we have

not and infuriated you that he did

infuriate me but that's what he expected

to say that is what he expected yeah

yeah all right so key takeaways from

this episode would be that we encourage

sex to occur within marriage because

that is where it's supposed to be that's

where the trust the vulnerability the

intimacy the commitment is there in

order it for it to be a part of the

bigger part of marriage which is

building love building passion intimacy

commitment all of those things

and so if you have been being sexually

active outside of marriage then change

your behavior stop save that for when

you get married or if you have someone

that you love a family member a kid

that's going through this talk openly

about the benefits of sex inside of

marriage and why it's important to wait

and it's not just because it's about

waiting it's about because of because of

what sex between just a husband and a

wife is so good for why it is so good

do you have anything to add

sometimes people have said this but but

uh if if you don't have sexually get

married how do you know you're going to

be compatible it's the same thing we

talked about earlier as with parents you

talk about it openly before you get

married so you can know where each

person is coming from what they think

what they believe what they feel

absolutely

well thank you sexologist Dr Joe beam

also my father

just been very fun growing up with great

conversation great episode please like

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thank you

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