How A Lack Of Confidence Leads To The Friendzone | Episode 015 Video Game Addiction
Summary
TLDRThe video script discusses the authenticity of online relationships and how they shape gamers' expectations and confidence in real life. It highlights the tendency of gamers to 'give to get' in romantic pursuits, leading to resentment and toxicity when their efforts are not reciprocated. The script emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, honest communication, and building confidence to avoid these unhealthy patterns and foster genuine connections.
Takeaways
- ๐ Internet-formed relationships are considered authentic and can shape gamers' comfort levels in the digital space.
- ๐ Gamers may feel judged in the real world based on appearance, wealth, or race, which can be uncomfortable after being accustomed to online anonymity.
- ๐ Lack of online friends can lead to gamers feeling scrutinized and judged, which can impact their confidence in real-world interactions.
- ๐ฎ Gamers often feel more confident behind a computer screen than in real life, which can affect their ability to form romantic relationships.
- ๐ค Gamers may adopt a 'giving to get' mentality in relationships, doing favors and kindnesses with the expectation of reciprocation.
- ๐ซ The 'giving to get' approach can backfire, leading to resentment when the desired outcome, such as a romantic relationship, is not achieved.
- ๐ Rejection after significant investment in a relationship can be particularly painful and can damage a gamer's self-confidence.
- ๐ Repeated rejection can lead to a pattern of increased investment in hopes of avoiding rejection, which is counterproductive.
- ๐ซ The resentment from unrequited investment can foster negative attitudes towards women and contribute to online toxicity.
- โ It's important for gamers to question their motivations for giving and whether they are doing so with the expectation of getting something in return.
- ๐ก Honesty and clear communication about feelings from the beginning of a relationship can prevent misunderstandings and emotional investment without reciprocation.
Q & A
What is the main concern discussed in the script regarding online relationships formed by gamers?
-The script discusses the authenticity of online relationships formed by gamers and how these relationships can shape their comfort levels and expectations in the real world. It highlights the potential discomfort and lack of confidence gamers may experience when transitioning from online interactions to face-to-face relationships.
Why do gamers often feel judged in the real world?
-Gamers often feel judged in the real world because they are used to being seen for who they are online, without being judged based on their appearance, wealth, or race. This contrast can lead to feelings of discomfort and a sense of being scrutinized when they interact with others in person.
What is the 'giving to get' pattern described in the script?
-The 'giving to get' pattern refers to the behavior of gamers who invest time, effort, and resources into a relationship with the hope of receiving something in return, such as romantic interest. This pattern often involves doing things for someone without explicitly expressing romantic intentions, which can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.
Why does the 'giving to get' pattern often end poorly for gamers?
-This pattern often ends poorly because the person receiving the kindness may not be aware of the gamer's romantic intentions. As a result, they may not reciprocate in the way the gamer hopes, leading to feelings of resentment and disappointment. This can also affect the gamer's confidence and their approach to future relationships.
What is the potential impact of the 'giving to get' pattern on a gamer's self-confidence?
-The 'giving to get' pattern can significantly impact a gamer's self-confidence. Rejection after investing heavily in a relationship can lead to feelings of betrayal and regret, which can further decrease their confidence in approaching future romantic interests.
How does the script suggest gamers can improve their confidence in real-world relationships?
-The script suggests that gamers should work on their confidence by being honest with themselves and others about their feelings and intentions from the beginning. It also implies that focusing on building genuine connections rather than expecting something in return can help improve their confidence.
What is the role of self-awareness in avoiding the 'giving to get' pattern?
-Self-awareness is crucial in recognizing whether one is engaging in the 'giving to get' pattern. Gamers should reflect on their motivations for being kind or helpful to others and whether they are doing so with the expectation of receiving something in return.
Why is it important for gamers to be clear about their intentions in relationships?
-Being clear about intentions is important to avoid misunderstandings and to ensure that both parties in a relationship have the same expectations. This can prevent feelings of resentment and disappointment that can arise from unmet expectations.
What are some strategies gamers can use to build confidence in real-world interactions?
-Strategies include practicing self-awareness, setting realistic expectations, and engaging in activities that boost self-esteem. Additionally, gamers can benefit from seeking support from friends or professionals to help them navigate real-world relationships more confidently.
How can gamers avoid the cycle of resentment and disappointment in relationships?
-Gamers can avoid this cycle by being upfront about their intentions, managing their expectations, and not investing in relationships with the sole purpose of receiving something in return. Developing a genuine interest in others and valuing relationships for their own sake can also help.
Outlines
๐ฎ The Authenticity of Online Relationships and Gamers' Real-World Challenges
This paragraph discusses the authenticity of relationships formed online and how they shape gamers' comfort levels. It highlights that gamers, accustomed to being judged by their online personas rather than physical attributes or wealth, can struggle with real-world interactions where they face judgment based on appearance and other superficial factors. The speaker notes that the more time spent online, the less confident gamers become in the real world, which can affect their ability to form romantic relationships. The paragraph also touches on the tendency of gamers to 'give to get' in relationships, where they invest time and resources hoping to level the playing field and win affection, which often leads to resentment and unrequited feelings.
๐ The Consequences of 'Giving to Get' and Building Resentment in Gamers' Relationships
The second paragraph delves into the negative consequences of the 'giving to get' mentality, which can lead to resentment and anger when expectations are not met. It describes how gamers, after investing time and effort into a relationship with the hope of a romantic outcome, may feel betrayed and regretful when they are rejected, especially after doing so much for the person they are interested in. This pattern can result in a cycle of repeated investment and rejection, further damaging self-confidence and potentially leading to toxic behaviors online, such as misogyny and resentment towards women. The speaker advises gamers to be honest with themselves and others about their intentions and feelings from the beginning, and to work on building confidence rather than relying on excessive giving as a means to secure a relationship.
Mindmap
Keywords
๐กAuthenticity
๐กConfidence
๐กScrutiny
๐กInvestment
๐กRejection
๐กToxicity
๐กBetrayal
๐กRomantic Relationships
๐กEntitlement
๐กSelf-Confidence
Highlights
Online relationships are authentic and can shape gamers' comfort with self-representation without physical appearance or societal status.
Gamers may feel judged in the real world based on appearance and other qualities, leading to discomfort and loss of confidence.
The transition from online to real-world interactions can be challenging for gamers due to the difference in social dynamics.
Gamers often invest time and resources into relationships with the expectation of a romantic return, which can lead to resentment.
Lack of confidence can cause gamers to 'give to get' in relationships, performing acts of kindness with the hidden motive of winning affection.
The pattern of giving with the expectation of receiving can result in feelings of betrayal when the desired outcome is not achieved.
Gamers may experience a cycle of investment and rejection, which diminishes their self-confidence and increases the likelihood of repeating the pattern.
The resentment from unrequited investment can lead to anger and contribute to online toxicity, particularly towards women.
The transcript suggests that gamers should be aware of their motivations in relationships and avoid the 'giving to get' mentality.
It is important for gamers to be honest with themselves and others about their feelings and intentions from the beginning of a relationship.
Confidence plays a significant role in how gamers approach relationships, and building self-confidence is suggested as a solution to the 'giving to get' pattern.
The transcript discusses the negative impact of repeated rejections on gamers' self-esteem and their approach to future relationships.
Gamers are advised to reassess their behaviors and consider whether they are giving out of genuine kindness or with an expectation of return.
The transcript emphasizes the importance of clear communication and setting proper expectations in relationships to avoid misunderstandings.
Gamers are encouraged to work on their self-confidence to overcome the fear of rejection and to approach relationships with authenticity.
The transcript highlights the potential for a vicious cycle of investment, rejection, and resentment, and the need to break this cycle for healthier relationships.
The discussion points towards the need for self-reflection among gamers to understand their relationship patterns and make necessary changes.
Transcripts
we talked a little bit about how
relationships that are formed through
the internet are actually really
authentic and I think that that's an a
really amazing thing but it also shapes
what gamers become comfortable with
since they're used to being kind of seen
for themselves and not judged based on
their appearance or how much money they
have or the color of their skin when
they do move out into the real world
they start to get exposed based on those
qualities and they can feel like they
get judged very easily and that can
become really problematic so a lot of
times when people you know when people
don't have a lot of friends online they
get used to kind of moving into a into a
public area and being kind of
scrutinized by other people and you kind
of get used to that scrutinize ation and
that judgment I think what happens with
gamers is since they spend so much time
online that scrutiny starts to become
really uncomfortable for them and they
start to lose confidence in who they are
as a person and I know that I mean we've
talked a little bit earlier but I know
that a lot of you guys have trouble
moving with confidence in the real world
whereas you feel so much more
comfortable and so much more confident
when you're behind a computer screen and
so the more time you spend behind a
computer screen the less confident you
become in the real world and that can
really cause problems for relationships
especially romantic relationships and
one of the biggest problems that gamers
have with romantic relationships is that
they're they're gamers tend to give in
order to get and I'll explain what I
mean by that
so let's say that you're you're a gamer
and you know you spend a lot of time
online and then you're also a college
student and you meet a girl and you
think she's cute and you like her but
since you kind of don't have confidence
you sort of feel like oh you know you're
not as attractive as some of the other
dudes in the college or you don't have
quite as much money or you don't dress
as nice and so you kind of see these
deficiencies in yourself and you're
attracted to this girl so what do you do
as a gamer you end up trying to level
that playing field in your mind when
you're dealing with the girl you tend to
think
oh I I mean she's not gonna if I ask her
out she's gonna say no so what I need to
do is I need to get her to like me more
so that when I ask her out she's gonna
say yes so then what happens is a gamer
usually starts out sort of being
friendly right he doesn't ask her out at
the beginning but you start hanging out
with her and then you start doing stuff
for her like if she needs a ride because
it's raining or something like that you
give her a ride when she has trouble
like studying for things you tutor her
you buy her meals you start to be like
her this really nice guy and you start
to do things because you don't feel
confident enough to ask her out you
start to do things for her and all the
while in your mind this is towards this
goal of getting her to like you and so
you're investing all of this stuff into
this relationship with the hope that
you're gonna get something out of it and
so the help that you give her the kind
of kindness that you show her has this
ulterior motive and if you guys are
really honest with yourselves you'll see
that that's the case of getting
something back and what happens then she
ends up dating someone else and then you
resent that guy right and then she calls
you up one night and she's like oh like
the guy that I'm dating he's such an
and then you listen to her talk about
her boyfriend problems and then this
thought pops up in your mind well all of
those things that are wrong with him are
right with me I wouldn't treat you like
that I treat you like gold I'd respect
you and you start to think that how can
she not see that I'm the perfect person
because I do all of this stuff for her
and her boyfriend doesn't and so
then what happens is at some point all
of this stuff that you've invested in
the relationship and everything that
that you kind of put into this
relationship all of the sacrifices
you've made for her we're kind of
building up building up building up and
then you want something in return and
then what happens is is you ask her out
right you finally like you reach this
point where you can't take it anymore
and you ask her out and then what does
she do she says no I think of you like a
friend right that's the line I think of
you like a friend and this pisses gamers
off to no end it pisses the out of
you right because like you've been
friends
and you guys hate that and why is that
so resentful it's because you never
wanted to be friends owned and you
invested so much into this relationship
because you would you were afraid that
she was gonna turn you down at the
beginning and then you invest all of
this time in this effort in this money
into getting her to like you and then
she rejects you and that rejection is so
much more painful because you've
invested so much you spent the last year
of your life taking care of this girl
and then she turns you down and then
that makes you really really angry hurts
your self-confidence causes a lot of
gamers to be really resentful towards
women and causes a lot of the toxicity
that we see online in that toxicity that
hatred of women comes from a sense of
betrayal and a sense of regret in a
sense of like an investment that you've
lost and so that's really really toxic
and really dangerous and the worst thing
about that is after this happens to you
one time you feel less confident in
yourself and it becomes harder to ask
out the next girl so then what happens
is you repeat the whole pattern because
whereas before you know she had a 20%
chance of saying yes if you asked her
out now the next girl has a 10% chance
because you've already been rejected
once and not only were you rejected you
were rejected after you did so much for
that girl so the second time around
you're like okay now I have to do even
more to get her to like me and so the
second time around gamers invest even
more and what you guys do is then you
know you buy her flowers for Valentine's
Day as a friend and when she gets dumped
by her boyfriend and stood up you're
there you're the knight in shining armor
and you do everything for her and so you
invest and invest and invest in this
relationship but you're investing in it
with sort of the idea of her being your
girlfriend but you never make that clear
to her and so she kind of thinks of you
as a friend because you actually don't
ask her out at the beginning right
you're just like this nice guy and you
want her to see your value and so that's
really dangerous because you have to be
careful about whether you're someone who
gives to get and if you're giving to get
something in return
chances are that's gonna end poorly and
you're gonna resent that person for it
because in a sense they don't know
what you're doing right they just think
that you're a nice guy and that doesn't
entitle you to anything but it makes you
feel entitled because in your mind it's
an investment and you're looking at for
a return if you're doing something out
of the kindness of your heart that's
fine but if you're really doing
something out of kind the kindness of
your heart you shouldn't be expecting
something in return so one of the most
dangerous patterns that gamers can fall
into is this pattern of giving to get
and take a look at your interactions
with women and see if that's actually
what you do why are you so nice to them
to begin with why do you buy them dinner
and buy them gifts and spend so much
time like finding this perfect piece of
jewelry for a female friend of yours
it's because you've got feelings for her
if you've got feelings for her why don't
you ask her out it's because you're
terrified she's gonna say no and since
you're terrified you invest all this
stuff but that just leads to regret and
it turns into hatred and over time the
more that this happens and I've seen
this happen with a lot of you guys
several times each time it happens it
gets a little bit worse and a little bit
worse and a little bit worse and then
it's just really catastrophic so one of
the things that you guys have to
understand about relationships is be
honest with yourself about with a way
that you feel towards another person and
be honest with them and do it from the
get-go if they're gonna reject you they
may reject you and that's okay but the
chances that you know you invest
something and then magically they're
gonna wake up one day and love you are
actually really small and I know it's
painful to think about but see if you
fall into this pattern are you someone
who gives to get and if you are does
that have to do with confidence and if
it does have to do with confidence the
solution is not to give more the
solution is to work on your confidence
and a little bit later we'll talk about
how to do that
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