SHOW, DON'T TELL (is a lie) | On Writing
Summary
TLDRCe script de vidéo explore l'art de l'écriture des émotions de personnages, en discutant la théorie 'Montrez, ne dites pas' et en identifiant les erreurs courantes. Il suggère de combiner l'expression directe des émotions avec des actions et des conséquences narratives pour un récit immersif. L'importance de l'introspection et de l'utilisation créative de la grammaire et de la mise en forme pour représenter les états émotionnels est également soulignée, offrant une vue d'ensemble enrichissante pour les écrivains.
Takeaways
- 📚 Il est parfois acceptable de 'dire' plutôt que de 'montrer' les émotions des personnages, surtout dans de petits moments ou pour maintenir le rythme de l'histoire.
- 🔍 La spécificité dans la description des émotions aide à ancrer le lecteur dans une expérience immersive et unique, en évitant les adverbes comme 'très' ou 'extrêmement'.
- 💡 Montrer les émotions par la physicalisation, l'action des personnages et les conséquences narratives liees aux émotions, permet de connecter les scènes et approfondir l'expérience émotionnelle.
- 🎨 Ne pas limiter l'écriture émotionnelle aux sections d'après-coup d'une histoire ou d'une scène, mais l'intégrer aussi dans les transitions, les résumés et les descriptions.
- 🤔 L'introspection est essentielle pour approfondir les expériences émotionnelles, en se concentrant sur ce que le personnage se concentrerait réellement.
- 🚫 Éviter le melodrame en construisant vers les réactions physiques importantes, en montrant les tentatives de contrôle des émotions et en utilisant les marqueurs de dialogue et la grammaire avec parcimonie.
- 🌐 Les émotions peuvent être exprimées à travers la dialogue, les contradictions entre le langage corporel et le dialogue, les différences dans les habitudes de parole, les réactions disproportionnées et l'implication.
- 📝 L'utilisation créative de la grammaire et de la mise en forme peut représenter les états émotionnels des personnages de manière poétique et expressive.
- 🐾 Il est important d'inclure des actions de personnages pour communiquer les émotions, en particulier dans des scènes à rythme rapide où la description détaillée pourrait ralentir l'action.
- 🧠 L'écriture émotionnelle doit être variée et ne pas se répéter, en offrant de nouveaux contextes et des conséquences uniques pour chaque apparition d'une émotion.
- 📚 L'exploration de la profondeur des émotions, au-delà de la simple description, est essentielle pour créer une connexion émotionnelle avec le lecteur.
Q & A
Quelle est la principale critique de l'auteur sur l'utilisation du concept 'show, don't tell' dans l'écriture?
-L'auteur critique l'abus du concept 'show, don't tell', arguant que cela peut conduire à des écrivains débutants à être trop dogmatiques sur l'expression des émotions, ce qui peut ralentir le rythme de l'histoire et la rendre mélodramatique.
Quels sont les deux grands erreurs commises par les écrivains lors de la description des émotions des personnages?
-Les deux grands erreurs sont de décrire les émotions de manière trop abstraite ou de les physicaliser excessivement, ce qui peut entraîner un ralentissement du rythme narratif et une perte de tension dramatique.
Quels sont les avantages de 'telling' par rapport à 'showing' dans certaines situations?
-Le 'telling' peut être utilisé pour maintenir le rythme de l'histoire,尤其是在过渡场景或小情绪表达时, il permet de ne pas alourdir inutilement le récit.
Quels sont les exemples donnés par l'auteur pour illustrer une bonne utilisation de 'telling' dans l'écriture?
-L'auteur cite un extrait de Neil Gaiman où le sentiment de fierté est simplement mentionné sans être narratifment amplifié, ce qui montre comment 'telling' peut être utilisé efficacement pour des émotions mineures.
Pourquoi l'auteur insiste-il sur l'importance de la spécificité dans la description des émotions?
-L'auteur souligne que la spécificité permet de créer une expérience immersive et unique pour le lecteur, en évitant les généralités et en choisissant des mots qui ont des significations multiples et évocateurs.
Quels sont les effets pernicieux des adverbes comme 'très' ou 'extrêmement' sur la description des émotions?
-Ces adverbes peuvent indiquer une absence de spécificité, ce qui nuit à la profondeur de la description des émotions et peut rendre le texte moins immersif pour le lecteur.
Comment l'auteur suggère-t-il d'utiliser les actions des personnages pour communiquer leurs émotions?
-L'auteur propose d'utiliser les actions des personnages comme un moyen efficace de montrer leurs émotions, ce qui permet de maintenir le rythme de l'histoire et de créer une tension dramatique.
Quels sont les avantages de montrer les conséquences narratives des émotions des personnages?
-Les conséquences narratives permettent de lier les scènes entre elles par les émotions, en montrant comment les émotions des personnages influencent leur environnement et les réactions des autres personnages.
Quels sont les pièges à éviter lors de la description des émotions pour ne pas tomber dans le mélodrame?
-Il faut éviter l'accumulation de réactions physiques excessives, l'usage excessif d'ellipses et d'exclamations, et la description de manière trop poétique ou abstrait, qui peuvent rendre le texte mélodramatique et éloigné du lecteur.
Comment l'auteur recommande-t-il d'utiliser la poésie et les métaphores pour décrire les émotions?
-L'auteur recommande une utilisation équilibrée et fondée de la poésie et des métaphores, en les ancrant dans des descriptions concrètes et en évitant l'excès qui pourrait rendre le texte mélodramatique.
Quels sont les autres moyens d'exprimer les émotions que l'auteur mentionne en dehors de la description classique?
-L'auteur mentionne l'utilisation de la grammaire et de la mise en forme de texte pour représenter les états émotionnels, ainsi que l'expression des émotions à travers la dialogue, les contradictions et les implications.
Outlines
📚 Écrire les émotions de personnages
Le script aborde le débat 'montrer, ne pas dire' en écriture, soulignant qu'il n'est pas toujours applicable et se concentre sur l'écriture des émotions de personnages. Il mentionne une série de vidéos 'Beyond Writing' pour explorer des émotions et des exemples de la littérature. L'auteur critique l'idée de l'iceberg des émotions et insiste sur le fait qu'il est parfois approprié de 'dire' les émotions des personnages, comme dans l'extrait de Neil Gaiman.
🔍 Spécificité des émotions dans l'écriture
Le texte insiste sur l'importance de la spécificité dans la description des émotions, en évitant les termes vagues et en utilisant des mots évocateurs et spécifiques. Il donne un exemple de Margaret Atwood pour montrer comment décrire une émotion complexe et profonde, en utilisant des métaphores et des descriptions concrètes pour créer une expérience immersive pour le lecteur.
🚀 Montre, ne dis pas : l'importance de l'action
Ce paragraphe discute de la manière dont l'action des personnages peut communiquer leurs émotions plus efficacement que la description physique ou l'introspection. Il cite des exemples de Philip Pullman et Catherine Patterson pour illustrer comment l'action peut avancer l'histoire tout en révélant l'état émotionnel des personnages, tout en maintenant le rythme de la scène.
🎭 Éviter la mélodramatique dans l'écriture des émotions
L'auteur examine les erreurs courantes faites par les écrivains lorsqu'ils décrivent les émotions, en particulier dans le genre de science-fiction et de fantasy. Il suggère d'utiliser les émotions de manière plus complexe et de ne pas se limiter à la description des conflits et des réactions émotionnelles, mais de les intégrer de manière plus profonde dans l'écriture.
🌐 Utiliser l'introspection pour explorer les émotions
Le script souligne l'importance de l'introspection pour approfondir les expériences émotionnelles au-delà de la simple manifestation. Il donne des exemples de Haruki Murakami et d'autres pour montrer comment les émotions peuvent être capturées à travers les réflexions intérieures des personnages, en se concentrant sur ce qu'ils remarquent et ce qui les influence.
📉 Éviter la mélodramatique : la subtileté de l'émotion
Ce paragraphe explore différentes techniques pour éviter la mélodramatique dans l'écriture des émotions, en suggérant de ne pas surcharger les descriptions physiques, d'utiliser les dialogues et les contradictions entre le langage corporel et le discours pour révéler les émotions, et d'éviter une grammaire et une ponctuation excessives qui peuvent rendre le texte excessif.
📚 Émotions et dialogues : la richesse du sous-texte
L'auteur explique comment les émotions sont également communiquées à travers les dialogues, en utilisant des exemples de littérature pour montrer comment les changements dans les habitudes de parole, les réponses disproportionnées et l'implication peuvent révéler l'état émotionnel des personnages de manière subtile et puissante.
🎨 Qui a besoin de mots ? L'expression émotionnelle non verbale
Ce paragraphe mentionne des ouvrages où les auteurs ont utilisé la grammaire et la mise en forme de manière créative pour représenter les états émotionnels des personnages, en étendant les mots sur la page ou en utilisant des majuscules pour montrer les pensées intrusives, ajoutant une dimension visuelle à l'expression des émotions.
🔗 Résument les techniques d'écriture des émotions
Le script conclut en résumant les différentes techniques discutées pour écrire des émotions de manière authentique et engageante, en mettant l'accent sur la variété, la subtileté et l'importance de l'introspection, de la description physique, de l'action des personnages et de l'utilisation de la poétique dans la grammaire et la mise en forme.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Émotions
💡Montrer, ne pas dire
💡Spécificité émotionnelle
💡Action des personnages
💡Conséquences narratives
💡Introspection
💡Dialogue
💡Mélodrame
💡Formatage et grammaire
💡Subtexte
Highlights
La critique du concept 'Montrez, ne dites pas' comme une méthode abordée de manière dogmatique avec les écrivains débutants.
Importance de la spécificité dans la description des émotions pour une expérience immersive.
L'utilisation de la narration interne pour explorer les émotions complexes des personnages.
Comment l'action des personnages peut communiquer des émotions plus efficacement que la description directe.
La nécessité de lier les émotions à des conséquences narratives pour un impact plus profond.
La façon dont les émotions peuvent être intégrées dans les transitions et les résumés narratifs.
L'importance de l'introspection pour approfondir les expériences émotionnelles au-delà de la simple manifestation.
Comment éviter le mélodrame en construisant des réactions physiques émotionnelles de manière réaliste.
L'utilisation de la poésie et des métaphores pour représenter les états émotionnels sans être excessif.
La façon dont les dialogues révèlent les émotions à travers les descriptions des objets et des actions.
L'impact des contradictions entre le langage corporel et le dialogue sur la révélation des émotions.
Comment les différences dans les habitudes de parole peuvent signaler des changements émotionnels.
L'utilisation de la grammaire et de la mise en forme pour représenter de manière poétique les états émotionnels.
La nécessité de varier les tactiques de description des émotions pour maintenir l'intérêt du lecteur.
Comment les émotions peuvent être utilisées de manière créative dans la structure et la forme du texte.
La façon dont les émotions peuvent être liées à des conséquences narratives pour un développement de l'intrigue.
L'importance de l'évitement des stéréotypes et des adverbes pour une description plus authentique des émotions.
Transcripts
i have been reading all of these books
and you have been lied to
show don't tell is the ungodly hammer
with which all new writers are
bludgeoned repeatedly until they run
back to their mothers and they say mum
i'm scared to which their mother says
don't tell me show me and here's the
thing it's not always true now show
don't tell is a massive topic so we're
gonna narrow down to a
teensy-weensy tiny come here can be a
little closer tiny whiny little part of
it and that is writing character
emotions
and two big mistakes writers make when
doing it
let's go
and because learning never ends i've
started a series of companion videos
called beyond writing this time it's
exploring more emotions more stories
more examples like how stephen king
creates fear the hunger games and some
of my own writing as well and you can
get this ongoing series with the nebula
curiosity stream bundle which right now
is 42 percent off just 12 bucks for the
entire year and this is a really cool
sponsor for me because i'm able to
sponsor my own video with my own stuff
it'd mean a lot to check it out part one
tell don't show
us writers easily fall into this trap of
thinking there's an emotion iceberg
where you've got telling at the top she
felt happy with herself then
physicalizing like clenching fists and a
little deeper it's describing the
feeling and the abstract then character
action then introspection and we always
want to be as deep in the iceberg as
possible but
no i mean can you imagine if every
emotion your characters felt had to come
out in these sentences or even
paragraphs of prose your pace would be
slower than the russian advance into
ukraine not to mention melodramatic with
every emotion being this big moment no
there is absolutely a place for telling
your characters are feeling things all
the time and not all of those feelings
are important listen to this piece from
neil gaiman's the ocean at the end of
the lane
the pond is next i thought i just have
to go around this shed and i'll see it i
saw it and felt oddly proud of myself as
if that one act of memory had blown away
some of the cobwebs of the day
this character feels proud for
remembering something from their
childhood just a dash of it it's not a
big emotion it's not something we should
narratively dwell on so gaiman just
tells us and he hides it in amongst some
interesting language that fits in with
the wider themes of the scene someone
rediscovering their childhood home
telling in small moments as well in
transitions between scenes is okay
but don't get too excited showing is the
way that we get readers to care about
our characters and their experiences so
you've gotta know when to show and not
tell
and that in my mind really begins with
part two specificity emotions are so
much more than anger or sadness or
happiness you can have a sadness that
just hits you for a moment or a sadness
that is the first thing you feel when
you wake up in the morning before you
even remember what you are sad about
it's on a spectrum that goes a thousand
different ways because all of these
emotions can come in so many forms
listen to this piece from margaret
atwood's the testaments i feared i might
lose my faith
if you've never had a faith you will not
understand what that means
you feel as if your best friend is dying
that everything that defined you is
being burned away
that you'll be left all alone
you feel exiled as if you were lost in a
dark wood
it was like the feeling i'd had when
tabitha died
the world was emptying itself of meaning
everything was hollow
everything was withering edward here is
describing sadness in the abstract for a
character who is losing their religion
but it's so much more than that it's
layered with a loss of identity of
direction of depersonalization
she isn't just showing us sadness but a
specific kind of long lasting pain that
leaves you questioning what you are left
with in the wake of it her specificity
here helps create a unique experience
that we can engage with and that's
immersive right rather than just saying
the sadness was an abyss a general
statement because there's not much point
in showing emotion in writing but not
getting to the heart of what that actual
emotion is
look at her word choice here the words
here are specific they're evocative they
have multiple meanings behind them now
edward could have written here it's like
everything defined you is dying but she
chose the words burned away it's more
active that something or someone is
doing the burning to her and it's
painful because dying as a word doesn't
necessarily mean that it's painful and
it can be passive you feel exiled to
such a great expression compared to you
feel alone it carries a lot more weight
then the world is emptying itself of
meaning and hollow and withering they're
such powerful words compared to just
saying that she felt empty which is
something i see a lot in books it's kind
of overused cliches kind of lose their
effect on readers we glance over them
when reading they don't carry the weight
or meaning that they used to or meant to
and edward here avoids them now there
are exceptions to this of course in
enrique maria remarks all quiet on the
western front a traumatized german
soldier in world war one describes
reading a letter from a soldier that he
just killed in this way but each word i
translate pierces me like a shot to the
chest like a stab to the chest now you
would be right to point out that this is
a cliche but this passage really
captures the horror and guilt and
sadness with language that arises from
war and even more so by correcting it to
a stab rather than a bullet it makes the
death more personal a bullet is
inherently impersonal it puts space
between you and the person killed and
this is about him realizing that this
man he just killed was a real person
with a real life of their own in this
context the cliche fits it brings him a
lot closer to him it's really quite
profound sometimes your word choice is
just personal style though like
hemingway takes two much simpler word
choices than say jorge louis borges and
in first person the word choice is
really going to come from the words that
the perspective character would use
right you could say my dear children
that emotions are complicated
and in being mindful about word choice
and specificity you're going to want to
look out for the words very or extremely
when describing emotion stephen king
hates adverbs like these because they
often mean that you're not quite being
specific enough with the emotion you're
playing with you're not capturing the
scale you intend and we don't tend to
get anything more out of being told that
someone was very afraid versus afraid
and by the way i counted and king only
uses these terms 10 times outside
dialogue when he's describing things in
his book misery i don't actually have
misery here with me so um you're stuck
with salem's lot
so do go through your book control if
and maybe instead of very tired try
exhausted sleepy drained sick of it
these all mean more specific things
likewise look out for filter words felt
sore realized new these create
psychological distance between the
reader and the character their emotions
by reminding them that this is a story
if specificity is about bringing you
closer to the exact emotion of your
characters then cutting these words out
is one way to close that gap as well and
with all of this in mind it's really
important to hug your cat go and pick
them up right now give them a cuddle
cradle them like the baby that they want
to be
yeah this is what momo loves momo loves
this you ain't you you you do any of you
uh the um
rioting yeah writing um it's really
important to um part three show and not
tell yes we are here at last lyra
clenched herself but relaxed almost at
once as panteleimon thought to her we're
only safe as long as we pretend
she opened her eyes and found that
they'd been containing tears
and to her surprise and shame she sobbed
and sobbed
philip pullman could have told us that
lyra was anxious and afraid but he
didn't instead he showed us by
physicalizing these emotions lyra
clinched herself she shut her eyes she
sobbed and sobbed it brings those
emotions to life and it is a pretty
simple and easy way to improve your
writing if you control if your story for
words like happy sad anxious afraid
you'll find plenty of places that you
can
hug your cat you can go and pick them up
right now give them lots of love maybe a
treat and they'll be very happy for it
you'll find places that you can spice it
up but as said describing your emotions
in the abstract or physicalizing them
too much
can grind the pace of your story on a
line-by-line basis to a halt because
you're forcing the story to stay in the
same moment even if it doesn't feel
natural to and that's why
character action is sometimes a better
way to communicate emotion leslie dead
girl
friend
rope broke
fell
you you you
the words exploded in his head like corn
against the sides of a popper
god
dead
you
leslie
dead
you
he ran until he was stumbling but he
kept on afraid to stop knowing somehow
that running was the only thing that
could keep leslie from being dead
it was up to him he had to keep going
he leaned his weight upon the door of
the pickup and let his head thud thud
against the window
his father drove stiffly without
speaking though once he cleared his
throat as though he were going to say
something but he glanced at less and
closed his mouth
when they pulled up at his house his
father sat quietly and jess could feel
the man's uncertainty so he opened the
door and got out and with the numbness
flooding through him went in and lay
down on his bed
um
that was um
catherine it was catherine patterson's
uh british terabithia which um
i i don't have any i don't have any
unresolved feelings about we do get a
little bit of him describing these
emotions in the abstract with the
numbness flooding through him but unlike
in the testaments or the northern lights
the emotion is primarily communicated by
what jesse does here we have him running
till he stumbles refusing to stop
leading his head third third against the
window we are shown his frantic panic
and fear and denial and giving up that
crucially keep up the pace of the scene
because this is meant to feel like we're
falling a rush of emotions in the worst
way possible so if you've got fast paced
scenes we're stopping to describe
emotions in the abstract or
physicalizing might undermine the
tension that it relies on characters
doing things in the moment or that you
want this moment to be a whirlwind then
character action might work better
though the fact that these different
strategies create different paces in
your writing can be really useful can be
used to mark a shift in the narrative
pace following an emotional beat if you
want to suddenly speed it up or suddenly
slow it down finally show narrative
consequences to your big emotions simply
having characters do things or feel
things isn't always enough if what they
do or feel doesn't really matter you
know jesse's actions drive the story
forward here by forcing other characters
to react his father has to come get him
it shows us how their emotions fit into
this world in a real tangible way it
makes them more real especially in
character-driven stories being able to
identify the emotion that your
characters end up with at the end of a
scene and how that emotion affects the
following scene even if it's in just a
small way is a really great kind of
thing to be able to do it just lets you
see the emotional connective tissue
throughout your story feelings lead to
action lead to feelings lead to action
lead to feelings later blah blah blah
until those feelings are resolved and it
deepens the emotional experience
bringing us closer to the character see
if you're just describing a lot of
emotions you know they're just feeling
bad and depressed and horrible all the
time but this doesn't really affect what
they do that much people just kind of
blur over it you know you want a variety
of all of these tactics of course but
the golden rule with showing is
generally describe the symptoms of the
emotion not the emotion itself whether
those symptoms are actions or
physicalization or dwelling in their
head but
here is the weird thing i found when
researching most and yes i mean most of
the really good emotional writing
in
all of these stories
doesn't come from physicalization or
describing in the abstract or even
character action a lot of the time
see
it's a lot deeper than that and this is
part four the big mistake writers make i
have seen this so many times i cannot
even tell you but it's particularly
common i feel in science fiction and
fantasy because a lot of writers kind of
fall into this pattern this trap where
they will one describe the setting two
describe the conflict in the setting and
three describe the emotion that comes
out of that conflict you know rinse and
repeat scene to scene it is an easy
formula to fall into that is the place
that people naturally are most inclined
to think about emotions but i want to
challenge you here i want to challenge
you to use emotions more complexly in
all parts of your writing too all three
of these kind of beats you've got here
the paper menagerie is a beautiful
magical realist story about a
chinese-american boy who grows up to
resent his chinese heritage and mother
if my mom spoke to me in chinese
i refused to answer her
after a while she tried to use more
english
but her accent and broken sentences
embarrassed me
i tried to correct her eventually she
stopped speaking altogether if i was
around
mom began to mime things if she needed
to let me know something she tried to
hug me the way she saw american mothers
did on tv
i thought her movements exaggerated
uncertain ridiculous graceless
she saw that i was annoyed and stopped
every once in a while i would see her at
the kitchen table studying the plain
side of a sheet of wrapping paper
later a new paper animal would appear on
my nightstand and try to cuddle up to me
i caught them squeezed them until the
air went out of them and then stuffed
them away in the box in the attic
emotions here in kinlyu's writing aren't
just things being experienced inside
scenes in that third beat after a lot of
build-up they're the connective tissue
between scenes liu doesn't describe the
embarrassment in the abstract or with
body language he instead moves the plot
forward by describing a chain of
emotional decisions trying to correct
her getting annoyed with her hugs
strangling her origami pieces they
slowly escalate and build on one another
in this kind of transition or summary
that sets up the next scene where his
mother dies and leaves him a letter in
chinese that he cannot even read because
he refused to learn the language for her
so this is kind of that first beat and
those beginning scenes alan brock a
traditional professional editor has a
second point that i think is really
valuable to consider here most writers
do not need to get better at describing
emotion they need to get better at
introspection i think all of haruki
murakami's stories and mean without
women do this really well lesha khan's
goodbye takasuki's hand was soft with
long slender fingers his palm was warm
and slightly damp as if he had been
sweating
perhaps he was nervous
after he left kafuku sat down on a chair
in the green room opened his right hand
and stared at his palm the sensation
left by the handshake was still fresh
that hand
those fingers had caressed his wife's
naked body
slowly and deliberately exploring every
nook and cranny
he closed his eyes and breathed deeply
what in heaven's name was she trying to
do
he felt that
whatever it was
he had no choice but to go ahead and do
it
now this story is about a man meeting
the guy who his dead wife slept with
trying to figure out what this guy had
that he didn't there are complicated
emotions at play right resentment pain
loss self-blame but instead of
describing or physicalizing any of these
he captures them through this
introspection here that is layered with
emotional subtext and to really look at
how he does this we've got to look at
what murakami focuses on in his prose
here because when we are happy or sad we
don't think oh i'm happy or oh i'm sad
we think about the things that make us
feel that way so murakami doesn't write
he had never been so jealous he thinks
about the feel of this man's hand that
his wife would have once felt too
sensually he doesn't describe the bar or
the man's hair or his eyes because sex
is a very physical act that is brought
out through the hands in a way you know
and this is almost a way of getting
closer to understanding that
and what you focus on in your prose
applies everywhere in your writing not
just in your character's introspective
thoughts when you describe a setting a
person an event if your character is in
a forest do they focus on the shadows or
the pretty mushrooms these have
different emotional connotations have a
look at how a town yeah just a town is
described in frederick bachmann's beer
town
maya wakes up and stays in bed playing
her guitar the walls of her room are
covered in a mixture of pencil drawings
and tickets she's saved from concerts
she's been to in cities far from here
beartown isn't close to anything it's as
if nature and man were fighting a tug of
war for space more high-minded souls
might suggest
either way the town is losing it has
been a very long time since it wanted
anything more jobs disappear each year
and with them the people and the forest
devours one or two more abandoned houses
each season
this here isn't stream of consciousness
it's not thoughts like in the paper
menagerie or in drive my car but the
focus here on her posters of the outside
world and of the forest devouring the
abandoned houses tells us about this
girl's emotional state this town is
dying and she wants out she longs to see
the rest of the world and it's all done
without physicalizing describing or even
really any introspection and part of all
of this the focus of our prose how we
capture things is really about the
metaphors and similes that we use
something that i think that helmer
woolitzer is absolutely fantastic at
sometimes i made use of the fathers of
friends not that those selfish girls
were really willing to share but there
were times when i sat next to real
fathers in movie theaters with the
exquisite texture of a man's coat
brushing my arm and i listen to the
sound of their voices with the happiness
of a dog that has no use for words and
is
desperately
alert to tone and pitch and timbre this
comparison hilma woolitzer makes to a
dog here and waiting for daddy gives us
this feeling of wanting to impress of
admiration even adoration and remember
how we talked about descriptive focus
well highlighting the texture of the
man's coat here makes something really
precious for her out of something that
would be entirely ordinary for anyone
else this feeling of deep longing arises
from every line here now you might be
thinking that this is only really going
to work in first person or third limited
because those tend to have a lot more
character packed into how they tell the
story but no absolutely not beartown is
written in third person omniscient and
it is packed with emotional subtext on
every level every description all the
time a lot of people especially in
fantasy and science fiction circles
right in third person omniscient if we
go back to those three beats i think a
lot of people feel that one and two
kinda have to be done in this objective
standoffish way particularly in regards
to metaphors they they go for the thing
that is necessarily the most beautiful
the most accurate but that really
doesn't have to be the case and it's a
place right for you building in a lot
more emotion but be creative in
transitions and summaries and
descriptions all sorts of stuff having a
variety of all of this all these
different ways to capture emotion from
moment to moment is super important and
it helps part five avoiding melodrama
writing powerful emotions without coming
off as george lucas trying to convince
me he knows what sadness is
is hard now the reality is that
sometimes people will think your writing
is melodramatic because you haven't sold
them on the conflict or the stakes or
the characters meaning the problem is
chapters back and they're getting to
this point and they're thinking oh the
characters are being melodramatic i
don't really care about this
but that doesn't mean that you can't do
certain things to avoid melodrama in the
moment have a listen to this
so where do we go from here he whispered
i don't know she cried throwing her arms
up the man spun on his heel to face the
window slamming his fist against the
glass he wasn't meant to be like this we
he stole a breath we were meant to be
happy and fall in love and die all
together she rolled her eyes fingers
scraping through her hair then wailed
intensely you you never saw us for what
we really were us he whimpered
he stormed up to her gritting his teeth
there never was any us clearly just you
and him she fell to her knees before her
hands clasped please she pigged give me
another chance i'll i'll try better
there are a bunch of things that i would
not do with this passage and it's kind
of similar in those ways to some of the
writing that i've encountered in the
past firstly every line is treated as
this big physical moment throwing arms
up spinning on his heel wailing
intensely slamming his fist storming up
to a beginning on her knees but not
everything we feel comes out in physical
reactions especially dramatic visceral
ones like these i know this comes from a
place of trying to communicate the
emotional importance of these lines but
this many this close together isn't
relatable for a lot of people and it
feels melodramatic and it doesn't help
that secondly you get emotional whiplash
in the scene what i mean is that she
goes from rolling her eyes to wailing
intensely in an instant falling to her
knees before him we don't get build up
to these big physical moments they just
happen suddenly capturing emotion is
just as much about the times that people
try to control and hide or not feel
things it creates an emotional tension
that eventually comes undone but there's
none of that here there's no subtext
it's all on the surface big physical
moments can work like characters falling
to their knees and begging but we tend
to want to build up to these
thirdly dialogue tags and grammar we've
got cried whispered whaled whimpered
begged all in this short moment now i've
talked before about dialogue tags and
how we use them go check that video out
but again it comes from trying to
communicate the emotional importance
behind these lines but here's the thing
the word said encompasses a lot of the
ways we talk people naturally read
intensity and pauses into dialogue on
their own so these verbs wave a little
red flag to us then say hey this is a
lot more dramatic just remember that and
the same is really with the exclamation
marks and ellipses and capitals this
many this close together make it feel
very dramatized it's hitting you over
the head with a baseball bat be
emotional be
sad this is bad things when a lot of
this emotion really would have come out
pretty naturally without it
and the reader's just begging you to
stop bludgeoning them they're like yeah
i know it's meant to be dramatic please
stop
fifthly just like we discussed i think
that the constant bodily expressions
really undermine the pace and what
should be a fast-paced scene it's like
there's these giant gaps between all
their lines what they're saying now we
don't see it here but the last thing
that is a really common marker of
melodramatic prose is excessive
poeticism
and i am very guilty of this because you
know
so often we fall down this rabbit hole
of similes and metaphors and poetics to
describe emotion but it can become
really ungrounded detached strange to
this person as being so esoteric and
lofty and up in the air so when i read
it was a deep abyss a hole inside her
that never ended where all the wind went
dead and the stars were black and the
leaves of fate fell where they may
casting her down and leaving her a
discarded rag of fear and hopelessness
it just doesn't feel grounded right
now i know again that this comes from
trying to deepen the emotion in stuff
that we cannot easily describe that we
feel like we can't really capture any
other way so we turn to big metaphors
but hey look at that passage from the
testaments it has four distinct
poeticisms but edward made sure that
they were still pretty grounded
relatable and it's mixed in with a bunch
of introspection that balance and
variety is really important to make
those metaphors land and if your
poeticism isn't communicating what you
hope to readers if they just feel a
little bit detached after reading it
then it might be coming across to
readers as melodramatic so instead i
want to show you a passage that does
have a big physical emotional reaction
but it isn't melodramatic instead mew me
drifted upstairs to hoshiko's old room
glass in hand
the moment she set foot inside she
tripped on an old power cord hit the
ground the red wine spilling everywhere
a blood stain soaking into the floor of
a dead girl's room
she seized a rag to scrub it out but it
only spread
fainter but more permanent
the carpet was too far gone already but
she refused to stop scrubbing more
vigorously violently because a stain was
allowed anywhere in the house but there
the moment she stopped trying was the
moment it'd be there forever
she worked till her knuckles were red
and sore until she broke
mumi slid to the ground
tears came whether she wanted them or
not
silently at first then sobbing into the
puddle of soap and alcohol squeezing the
rag as if to strangle it
when she brought herself up she sat back
against what used to be hoshiko's bed
what used to be hoshiko's old wooden
carving of aminocaku lay discarded
beside her it was sporting a new layer
of dust she wiped it away with the edge
of her dress and put it back up on what
had once been hoshiko's bedside table
but the room didn't belong to miyumi
either
it wasn't hers to peck away it all
existed in some limbo of ownership left
in the small print of life
she wanted to wretch
throw up and rid herself of whatever was
inside her
but her body refused
after wiping her face she downed a
sleeping pill and collapsed onto her bed
miumi here is sobbing into a puddle of
soap and alcohol in her grief but she
doesn't start there we see her trying to
hold the emotion back there's that
emotional subtext before it gets the
best of her it's a lot more relatable
with a real build up we kind of
anticipate this moment it goes from
drifting to tripping to scrubbing to
sobbing there's no real emotional
whiplash there's also no ellipses or
exclamation marks because i think the
dramatic tension stands here on its own
there's a little poeticism yeah but it's
balanced out with introspection and
grounded descriptions of real things
and that my children is actually from
the sci-fi novel that i am writing at
the moment i'm about 60 000 words in and
i want to have it out with beta readers
before the end of the year but if
patience is not your virtue then i would
love to share with you a story i
published with a ryan's belt magazine
i'm very proud of it it's called a
catalogue for the end of humanity and
you can find it totally for free down in
the description below describing the
same emotion over and over can also come
across as melodramatic to readers
because they tend to get numb to it like
you could be writing the same thing and
they would feel it's just being a bit
overdramatic because they're used to it
they feel like oh i wish they were doing
something else right
especially though if you're just
increasing the severity and not the
complexity you're not deepening the
emotion oh they're depressed but now
it's depression 2 electric boogaloo and
depression three loneliness comes for
free as someone who reads a lot of
mental health focus fiction i am no
stranger to this my book has a character
dealing with grief over and over and i
took a leaf out of these books in
learning how to do that because it
wasn't just about increasing the
severity of the emotion it was about
giving the emotion a new context to
explore deepening it so at the start of
my book miumi is grieving for her dead
child she feels lost isolated stuck in
this depressive loop
then as she begins to heal she starts to
reconnect with her husband who she kind
of separated with in the wake of it but
slowly realizes that the more time she
spends with him the more she is reminded
of the past and feels trapped back there
all that pain finally starting a new
life of sorts she is racked with guilt
over letting herself be happy because
it's like she's forgetting her daughter
these are all grief right but they're
different expressions that arise from
and change the direction of the story
emotional journeys stories heavily
dependent on this kind of emotional
change really need this exploration of
what the emotion actually is so ask
yourself what new aspect of that emotion
or what question is your character faced
with every time that they fall back into
that same emotion give how they feel or
deal with it a unique consequence that
doesn't just feel like the story is
going in circles of course sometimes
going in circles is the point bojack
horseman repeatedly has bojack fall into
the same self-destructive self-loathing
state and that's kind of the tragedy it
feels like a cycle it feels inescapable
because it's trying to capture that
experience for a lot of people
so emotion comes out in prose it comes
out in introspection it comes out in
description in transitions but there's a
whole big part of it that we haven't
discussed a huge chunk of it comes out
in part 6
dialogue
comrade i did not want to kill you
if you jumped in here again i would not
do it if you would be sensible too
i see you're a man like me
i thought of your hand grenades of your
bayonet of your rifle
now i see your wife and your face and
our fellowship
forgive me comrade we always see it too
late
take 20 years of my life comrade and
stand up take more if i do not know what
i can even attempt to do with it now
i will write to your wife she must hear
it from me i will tell her everything
i've told you she shall not suffer i
will help her and your parents too
and your child
a ton of emotion comes out in how people
talk their speed the tangents they go on
the amount of words they use stuttering
ellipses interrupting and you know all
this right you use this in your writing
this is emotion that's coded into the
text without even naming it and just
like with the focus of our prose we
talked about before people typically
don't say i'm sad or i'm happy they say
oh it was the worst day at work there
was this karen who had this expired
voucher and wouldn't leave the store no
matter what i said and i was meant to be
closing but oh they wouldn't let me
go and i was just trying not to cry but
she kept yelling at me they
what is making them feel which is also
what makes this dialogue here so damn
good he's feeling guilty and ashamed and
sorrowful but he describes the reasoning
behind his decisions what he sees the
things that impacted him most as a way
of almost convincing himself that he's
an okay person that's what this is he's
not talking to anyone else not really
watch my video on subtext in dialogue
which covers a lot more of this in more
depth secondly contradictions between
body language and dialogue can reveal
emotional subjects
she relaxes and pushes my bangs from my
face what did he do he didn't do
anything maya i don't know what happened
i stare at the rusted brown mixing with
the bright red on my fingertips meyer
insists that she doesn't know what
happened but the way she avoids her
mother's gaze tells us that she does and
she's just not ready to talk about it
the contradiction here gives a secondary
emotion to the dialogue without saying
maya felt anxious or she shifted
uneasily
thirdly differences in their usual
speaking patterns in all quiet on the
western front the main character is
largely pretty short spoken throughout
the novel and this massive ramble tells
us that he's feeling lost he's
vocalizing this internal mess of
emotions it's spilling out of him in a
way that it hasn't before really
disproportionate responses you know
characters exploding at the smallest
thing can indicate hidden emotions both
in dialogue and action and lastly
implication that is a huge part of how
we speak passive aggression flirting
being diplomatic in difficult situations
in these moments you can enrich your
dialogue with emotional subtext
especially if you think about what their
goal is in any given scene watch the
video again on subtext and dialogue it's
linked in the corner of the screen but
sometimes people do really cool things
with emotion they think outside the box
because part six who even needs words i
want to give a quick mention to house of
leaves by marxist danielski and turtle's
all the way down by john green we've
looked at how grammar and formatting can
undermine the emotion you know it can
make it melodramatic but both of these
guys use grammar and formatting to
represent the emotions and experiences
of their characters john green has
intrusive thoughts show up in capitals
to represent them being louder than the
rest of her mind there's no commas or
full stops or semicolons to represent
this spiraling mess and panic of
thoughts there's no structure to them
it's all feeling inside her mind
likewise danielewski begins to spread
his words across the page to represent a
character feeling themselves shrink
getting more lost than ever they are
just a flicker in the dark
these might not fit your book i mean
sometimes it just doesn't right but
these are other ways of showing emotion
that you shouldn't be afraid to be
creative with and also i'm having to
show you like pictures and videos of
other people's copies because i linked
this out and i don't know who
and my copy is missing so if you have my
copy of house of leaves please do let me
know in the comments and you know that'd
be that'd be great and so having learned
all of this this is a great time to go
and pick up your cat and give them a
cuddle but we are not done here i have
created a companion video to this where
we go through 10
more examples of great emotional writing
that i couldn't really fit into this
video like crime and punishment by
dostoyevsky some game of thrones stuff
get access to the series with a
curiosity nebula stream bundle which is
linked down below it barely costs
anything for the entire year plus
everything i make ad free a ton of other
creators who are all amazing their
exclusive series as well plus curiosity
stream itself comes with a whole host of
educational documentaries like ones with
david attenborough all on its own which
are just great for world building my
link is down below please do let me know
what you think of the beyond writing
series what you would like to see there
thank you by the way for making it
possible for me to sponsor my own videos
with my own stuff that is cool
ah you know what i'm feeling tired every
step is me lifting a lit block so i'm
gonna take some character action and
we're gonna bring this together into a
summary number one it's okay to tell
rather than show in small moments or to
keep up the pace or during transitions
two being specific when describing
emotion helps ground the reader in a
unique immersive experience think
carefully about the secondary meanings
of words and avoid vary and extremely
adverbs people tend to glance over
cliches right three show emotions by
physicalizing using character action
giving narrative consequences that
connect the scenes by their emotions
four don't restrict emotional writing to
the aftermath section of any story or
scene look at how you can use them in
transitions and summaries and
descriptions of people places or events
this includes in third person omniscient
it doesn't need to be objective
5. introspection is crucial to deepening
emotional experiences beyond showing
keep in mind what the character would
focus on in describing or which
poeticisms they would use
6. avoid melodrama by building up to big
physical reactions showing people trying
to hide control or moderate emotions
using dramatic tags and grammar
sparingly and avoiding excessive
poeticism seven emotion and dialogue
comes from people describing the things
that make them feel contradictions
between what they say and body language
differences and speaking patterns
disproportionate responses and
implication
and eight grammar and formatting can
also be used poetically to represent
emotional states stay nerdy and cuddle
your cat for the future
so
so
you
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