Why does the more you give, the harder it is for the other person to love you?
Summary
TLDROvergiving in relationships is often a misguided attempt at self-satisfaction and control, rooted in a lack of confidence in being loved. It involves suppressing one's own needs for the other's approval, leading to feelings of moral superiority and resentment when unappreciated. This behavior can stem from childhood attachment issues, causing adults to seek security and validation through giving. Recognizing and addressing these underlying motivations can lead to a healthier, more balanced relationship dynamic, fostering mutual appreciation and self-fulfillment.
Takeaways
- 💔 Overgiving is detrimental to relationships because it can create a sense of obligation and guilt rather than genuine appreciation.
- 🤔 The act of overgiving is often driven by self-satisfaction and a desire for moral superiority, rather than genuine concern for the other person's needs.
- 🔄 Suppressed needs from overgiving do not disappear; they manifest in other forms, such as moral superiority or resentment.
- 🚫 Constantly expecting reciprocation for one's sacrifices can lead to feelings of ungratefulness when the other person does not meet these expectations.
- 😤 Overgiving can lead to anger and resentment when the other person does not acknowledge or accept the efforts made for them.
- 🤝 The motivation behind overgiving is often a need for attention, emotional value, and an emotional connection, rather than altruism.
- 🧘♂️ Overgiving stems from a lack of confidence in being loved and a belief that one must earn love through actions.
- 👶 Childhood attachment issues and a lack of security in early relationships can contribute to overgiving behavior in adulthood.
- 🔄 Overgiving is an attempt to control and possess the other person, driven by a deep-seated need for security and affirmation.
- 🤔 Self-reflection on the purpose of giving is crucial to understand whether actions are for self-satisfaction or the other person's benefit.
- 💡 Recognizing and addressing one's own needs can lead to a healthier, more equal, and mutually appreciative relationship.
Q & A
What is the main issue with overgiving in relationships?
-Overgiving can be problematic because it often stems from a desire for self-satisfaction rather than genuine concern for the other person's needs, leading to feelings of moral superiority and an expectation of reciprocation that can burden the relationship.
Why might someone feel like a taker even though they are giving a lot?
-This paradox occurs because the act of giving is often done to fulfill one's own emotional needs, creating a sense of moral superiority and potentially making the recipient feel indebted, which can be perceived as taking rather than giving.
What does 'overgiving' mean in the context of the script?
-Overgiving refers to the act of constantly suppressing one's own needs to satisfy another person, which can lead to resentment and a distorted sense of moral superiority.
How do suppressed needs manifest in overgiving?
-Suppressed needs often re-emerge in the form of a sense of moral superiority, where the giver may feel entitled to gratitude or reciprocation, potentially pressuring the recipient.
Why can saying 'I did this for you' become burdensome over time?
-This phrase can initially evoke feelings of gratitude, but over time it can become a heavy burden as it may imply an expectation of reciprocation, creating a sense of guilt and obligation in the recipient.
What is the potential consequence of not considering the other person's needs in overgiving?
-When the giver does not consider the recipient's actual needs, it can lead to feelings of unappreciation and resentment when the recipient does not respond as expected, damaging the relationship.
What is the underlying motivation for overgiving according to the script?
-The underlying motivation for overgiving is often a lack of confidence in being loved and a desire to earn favor and recognition through giving, which may originate from an insecure attachment in childhood.
How does overgiving affect the dynamics of a relationship?
-Overgiving can turn an equal, relaxed, and mutually appreciative relationship into an unequal one, driven by needs and potentially leading to power and control issues.
What are the two questions one should ask themselves to understand the real purpose behind their giving?
-The two questions are: 1) If the other person doesn’t need your giving, would you stop? 2) If you can’t stop, what’s the reason? These questions help to reflect on the motivations behind one's actions.
How can understanding one's own needs lead to a healthier relationship?
-Understanding one's own needs allows for better communication and consideration of the other person's needs, fostering a state of self-love and relaxation that supports mutual nurturing and an equal relationship.
What is the ultimate goal when addressing the issue of overgiving in relationships?
-The ultimate goal is to achieve a state of self-awareness and self-love where one's actions are driven by genuine care for oneself and the other person, leading to a balanced and fulfilling relationship.
Outlines
💔 The Paradox of Overgiving in Relationships
The first paragraph delves into the concept of overgiving and its detrimental effects on relationships. It suggests that while one may believe they are being generous, they are actually taking away from the other person's autonomy and creating a sense of obligation. This behavior can lead to feelings of guilt and resentment, as the giver expects reciprocation and may place themselves on a moral high ground. The paragraph also explores the motivations behind overgiving, such as seeking validation and emotional connection, and the potential for it to stem from childhood attachment issues. It concludes with the idea that understanding and addressing one's own needs can lead to healthier, more balanced relationships.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Overgiving
💡Self-satisfaction
💡Moral Superiority
💡Ungrateful
💡Emotional Value
💡Need Suppression
💡Inner Longing
💡Attachment Relationship
💡Self-love
💡Power and Control Dynamics
💡Self-reflection
Highlights
Overgiving is described as the poison of any relationship.
People often give to others for self-satisfaction, which can be misunderstood as taking.
The act of giving itself is not wrong, but overgiving can create problems.
Overgiving means constantly suppressing one's own needs to satisfy the other person.
Suppressed needs don't disappear; they can emerge as a sense of moral superiority.
Feeling morally superior after sacrifices can lead to expecting reciprocation and viewing others as ungrateful.
Frequent statements of what one has done for the other can become a burden over time.
Overgiving can make the other person feel guilty and unable to enjoy a relaxed love in the relationship.
Overgiving may stem from a lack of consideration for the other person's actual needs.
The motivation behind overgiving is often to seek attention and emotional value from the other person.
Over time, overgiving can turn an equal relationship into an unequal one driven by needs.
The essence of overgiving is a lack of confidence in being loved and a need to earn favor through giving.
This mentality often originates from an insecure attachment relationship with parents during childhood.
Overgiving can be a form of self-satisfaction to fill an inner longing for security.
Understanding the real purpose behind giving is crucial for self-improvement and healthier relationships.
Asking oneself if they would stop giving if not needed can reveal the true motivation behind overgiving.
Self-love and relaxation allow for mutual nurturing and an equal relationship.
Understanding one's own needs leads to better understanding of the other person's needs and healthier expectations.
Transcripts
Overgiving can be said to be the poison of any relationship
Why does the more you give to the other person
the more they want to escape?
The answer is that you think you are giving and doing good for the other person
but in reality
you are taking;
you are doing it for self-satisfaction
People may not understand this concept:
How can you become a taker when you’ve clearly done a lot?
The act of giving itself isn’t wrong
but the problem lies in "overgiving
"
What does overgiving mean?
It means you constantly suppress your own needs to satisfy the other person
However
you must understand that suppressed needs don’t disappear;
they will inevitably escape in another form
This form is often a sense of moral superiority that arises after your sacrifices
Because you feel you have sacrificed so much
you place yourself on a moral high ground and start to expect the other person to reciprocate equally
if not more
Otherwise
you see them as an ungrateful person
If you frequently say
"I did this for you
" the other person might initially feel touched
but over time
these words become a heavy burden
Nobody wants to live under the shadow of guilt all the time
They can’t feel a relaxed
easygoing love in the relationship and will naturally want to escape
Another aspect is, for instance
you think work is tiring
so you stay up late planning a trip to help them relax
But if they just want to rest quietly
you feel unappreciated when they reject your plan
leading to anger and resentment
The fact is you didn’t consider their needs and just made plans on your own
The motivation behind this behavior is likely that you want to hear them praise you for being thoughtful and recognize your efforts
Essentially
you need their attention and response
You need them to provide you with emotional value and to establish an emotional connection with them
In other words
you’re using something they don’t need to get what you want
Over time, the originally equal
relaxed
and mutually appreciative relationship turns into an unequal one driven by needs
leading to power and control dynamics
So
why do you overgive in a relationship?
The essence of overgiving is the lack of confidence in being loved
Not believing you deserve to be treated well just as you are
you seek to earn the other person’s favor through giving
This mentality often stems from our attachment relationship with our parents during childhood
which didn’t form a sense of security
Growing up
we then place this longing for security onto our partner
hoping to be recognized and affirmed
and through giving
we try to control and possess them
So many times
while it seems you are being particularly good to someone
it might just be for self-satisfaction
to fill your inner longing
All your sacrifices might just be self-consolation
If you don’t know the real purpose behind your giving
ask yourself two questions:
The first question:
If the other person doesn’t need your giving
would you stop?
The second: If you can’t stop
what’s the reason?
Only when you carefully examine the motivations behind these behaviors
discover your own needs
and listen to your inner desires
will your actions truly be to please yourself
At this point
you’ll have ample inner strength
enabling you to actively create the life you want
deriving happiness and fulfillment from it
Moreover
when you truly understand your own needs
you can better understand the other person’s needs
You won’t have overly high expectations of them
nor will you feel resentful or angry when they don’t acknowledge your giving
This state of self-love and relaxation allows you to mutually nurture each other and enjoy an equal relationship together
Does that make sense to you?
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