De kracht van echt luisteren | Marieke Lips | TEDxAmstelveen

Summary

The speaker, a child of divorced parents, recounts her feelings of isolation and confusion during her parents' separation, highlighting the lack of support for children in similar situations. She advocates for a world where children's voices are heard and understood, sharing her dream of creating a role like the 'Kindbehartiger' or Child's Voice Interpreter to represent children's best interests in divorce proceedings. The story of Marnix, a boy whose opinions were considered through this role, illustrates the positive impact of involving children in a child-friendly manner, emphasizing the importance of listening to and supporting them through such challenging times.

Takeaways

• 😢 The speaker, as a child, felt unheard and misunderstood during her parents' divorce, which is a common experience among many children of divorced parents.
• 👂 The importance of simply listening to children and understanding their feelings without trying to solve their problems or give advice is emphasized.
• 👧 The speaker's dream is to create a world where every child feels heard and understood, especially in difficult situations like divorce.
• 🏠 The speaker's parents' separation and subsequent reunion created a tense home environment, highlighting the impact of parental conflict on children.
• 📜 The Dutch legal system involves children aged 12 and over in divorce proceedings by asking for their opinions on matters like custody and visitation rights.
• 💭 The speaker's personal experience of writing a letter to a judge about her feelings during her parents' divorce, without guidance, led to feelings of guilt and confusion.
• 🤔 The realization that children often feel responsible for their parents' divorce and may internalize guilt, affecting their emotional well-being and relationships.
• 👨‍👧‍👦 The call for society to genuinely listen to children's opinions and consider their best interests, rather than ignoring them or burdening them with decision-making.
• 🗣️ The introduction of the 'Kindbehartiger' or Child's Voice Interpreter role in the Netherlands, aimed at representing the best interests of children in divorce cases.
• 📝 The example of Marnix, a nine-year-old boy, whose opinions were considered in a divorce case through the help of a Kindbehartiger, leading to a positive outcome.
• 🌟 The message that children can have their voices heard and feel valued without the pressure of choosing sides or solving their parents' issues.

Q & A

What is the main message the speaker is trying to convey?

The speaker is advocating for children's voices to be heard and understood during the difficult process of their parents' divorce, emphasizing the importance of not making them responsible for the situation.

How does the speaker describe their experience as a child of divorced parents?

The speaker describes feeling unheard, misunderstood, and alone. They also express anger, sadness, and confusion about how to cope with the situation.

What role did the speaker's parents' separation play in their childhood?

The separation created a tense and uncomfortable home environment for the speaker, leading them to feel responsible for maintaining peace and order in the household.

Why did the speaker feel a sense of relief when their parents decided to separate again?

The speaker felt relief because they hoped the continuous tension in the home would end and peace would return.

What was the impact of the speaker receiving a letter from a judge at the age of 12?

The letter added to the speaker's feelings of responsibility and confusion, as they felt they had to express their feelings about the divorce to a judge, without any guidance or support.

How did the speaker's letter to the judge affect their relationship with their father?

The speaker believes that their letter might have contributed to their father losing custody and subsequently disappearing from their life, causing feelings of guilt and confusion.

What is the role of a 'Kindbehartiger' or Child's Voice Interpreter?

A Kindbehartiger is a professional who represents the best interests of a child in divorce proceedings, offering guidance, explanations, and ensuring the child's voice is heard in a child-friendly manner.

What was the outcome of involving a Kindbehartiger in Marnix's case?

Marnix's opinions and the Kindbehartiger's advice were taken seriously by the court, leading to a decision that took the child's perspective into account, and providing Marnix with a sense of relief and empowerment.

Why is it important for children to have a voice in divorce proceedings?

It is important because it allows children to express their feelings and opinions without bearing the responsibility for the outcome, ensuring they feel heard and supported.

What advice does the speaker give to parents, family members, and schools regarding children of divorced parents?

The speaker advises parents to be open to giving their child a voice, family members and bystanders to offer a listening ear while staying neutral, and schools to support children in need within the classroom.

What is the overarching goal the speaker has for children experiencing parental divorce?

The speaker's goal is to create a world where every child feels heard and understood, and where they receive appropriate support to cope with the emotional challenges of their parents' divorce.