How to have a FULFILLING SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP, or: in praise of 24-hour diners
Summary
TLDRDr. Orion Taraban discusses the key to a fulfilling sexual relationship, emphasizing the importance of having similar libidos with your partner. He argues that sexual desires are hard to change through therapy or conversation, and mismatched libidos often lead to long-term frustration. He likens the situation to arriving at a closed restaurant: insisting on being served is unreasonable, but taking your needs elsewhere is practical. Early in a relationship, it's crucial to establish mutual sexual expectations to avoid future dissatisfaction.
Takeaways
- π The key to a fulfilling sexual relationship is to partner with someone who has a similar libido.
- π Libido compatibility is crucial as it generally doesn't change much over time.
- π Therapy and conversations can't fully resolve libido mismatches in a relationship.
- π Significant differences in sexual desire can lead to frustration and dissatisfaction.
- π Men typically have a higher libido than women, though this is not always the case.
- π Men often view sex as a drive, while women may see it as a mood.
- π It's important to establish expectations around sex early in a relationship to avoid future issues.
- π Comparing a relationship to a restaurant, it's unreasonable to expect service after closing time, just as it's unreasonable to expect sex when one partner isn't in the mood.
- π If a partner's sexual needs aren't met, they may look elsewhere, which can affect other aspects of the relationship.
- π Maintaining a balance and understanding in sexual dynamics is essential for a long-term, satisfying relationship.
Q & A
What is the primary way to have a fulfilling sexual relationship according to Dr. Orion Taraban?
-The primary way to have a fulfilling sexual relationship is to partner with someone who has more or less the same libido as you do.
Why is it challenging to change sexual desire through therapy or conversations?
-Because sexual desire is something that generally doesn't change significantly, even with therapy or conversations. If one partner wants sex significantly more than the other, it is likely to lead to frustration.
What is the analogy Dr. Taraban uses to describe wanting sex from a partner who is not in the mood?
-He compares it to showing up at your favorite restaurant a minute after they close and expecting to be served, which he describes as ludicrous and entitled.
What does Dr. Taraban suggest men do if their partner is not in the mood for sex?
-He suggests that men should respect their partner's decision, understand that they need to find satisfaction elsewhere, and communicate this in a non-petulant way.
What is the significance of establishing consequences early in a relationship?
-Establishing consequences early on is important because it sets the precedent for how sexual desire and refusal will be handled, making it easier to navigate these issues later in the relationship.
How does Dr. Taraban describe the difference between men's and women's sexual desires?
-He states that, in general, men want sex more often than women do, with men's desire being a drive and women's desire being a mood.
What metaphor does Dr. Taraban use to explain how men should handle sexual refusal?
-He uses the restaurant metaphor, suggesting that if a man is turned down for sex, he should understand it as a restaurant being closed and take his appetite elsewhere without resentment.
What potential impact does refusing a regular customer have on a restaurant, according to Dr. Taraban?
-While refusing one meal may not bankrupt the restaurant, it risks alienating a regular customer, which can jeopardize future business. Similarly, in a relationship, consistently refusing sex can jeopardize the relationship.
What is the 'price of sex' negotiation in early relationships?
-In early relationships, both partners tacitly negotiate the 'price of sex,' meaning the level of attention, affection, and commitment expected in exchange for sexual activity.
What does Dr. Taraban say about the relative value of sex in a relationship?
-He explains that if a man continues to give the same level of attention and affection without sex, he inadvertently increases the relative value of sex in the relationship, making it a more valuable commodity.
Outlines
π¬ Understanding Libido Compatibility
Dr. Orion Taraban explains that a fulfilling sexual relationship hinges on partnering with someone whose libido matches yours. Despite therapy and conversations, a significant disparity in sexual desire between partners typically leads to frustration and unmet needs. It's crucial to choose a partner with similar sexual interest and who has addressed any personal issues regarding sex and intimacy.
π½οΈ The Restaurant Analogy for Sexual Relationships
Dr. Taraban uses a restaurant analogy to illustrate the dynamics of sexual desire in relationships. Just as it would be unreasonable to demand service after a restaurant has closed, it's unreasonable for a man to expect sex when his partner is not in the mood. Conversely, it's also unrealistic for the restaurant to expect the diner to wait until the next day to eat, just as it's unreasonable for a woman to expect her partner to suppress his desires indefinitely. This analogy highlights the importance of managing sexual expectations and needs.
π Early Relationship Dynamics and Consequences
In the early stages of a relationship, men need to establish consequences regarding unmet sexual desires. Dr. Taraban suggests that if a manβs sexual needs are not met, he should non-petulantly take his βbusinessβ elsewhere. This approach sets a precedent and communicates the value of sex in the relationship. Failing to do so early on can lead to long-term dissatisfaction as men may end up with less sex than desired, having inadvertently devalued it through their tolerance.
π€ Weighing Relationship Costs and Benefits
Dr. Taraban advises men to consider the broader implications of their sexual needs. If a man consistently has his advances turned down, he might take his sexual desires elsewhere, which could also mean withdrawing other aspects of his attention and affection. This potential loss might prompt women to reconsider their stance, recognizing the broader value the man brings to the relationship beyond just sex.
βοΈ Negotiating Sexual Expectations
Establishing sexual boundaries and expectations early in a relationship is akin to negotiating the 'price' of sex. Dr. Taraban stresses that while cuddling is fine, men shouldnβt be surprised if they end up having less sex later on if they accept reduced sexual activity early in the relationship. The value of sex becomes more apparent when compared to its availability elsewhere, indicating the importance of clear, early communication.
π£οΈ Engaging with the Audience
Dr. Taraban encourages viewers to share their thoughts in the comments and consider supporting the channel through likes, subscriptions, and membership. He emphasizes the importance of viewer engagement for the growth of his channel and the dissemination of his message.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Libido
π‘Sexual Relationship
π‘Therapy
π‘Negotiated Compromise
π‘Drive vs. Mood
π‘Reinforcement Protocols
π‘Restaurant Metaphor
π‘Consequences
π‘Customer Service
π‘Price of Sex
Highlights
The way to have a fulfilling sexual relationship is to partner with someone who has more or less the same libido as you do.
Libido mismatch generally doesn't change much even with therapy or conversations.
Significant libido differences between partners often lead to frustration in the long term.
Men usually have a higher sex drive than women, but it can sometimes be the opposite.
For men, sex is a drive, while for women, sex is often a mood.
Establishing consequences early in the relationship regarding sexual expectations is crucial.
Expecting sex from a partner who is not in the mood is likened to demanding service from a restaurant after closing time.
It is not fair for a partner to expect the other to abstain from sex indefinitely if their libido is not matched.
A man's sexual desire doesn't diminish just because a woman's 'kitchen is closed.'
Taking sexual needs elsewhere can be a non-petulant way of addressing libido mismatch.
Regular customers at a restaurant are not equivalent to random diners; losing regulars has a larger impact.
A woman might reconsider her sexual availability if she values her partner's other contributions.
Men should communicate their sexual needs early on in a non-entitled manner.
Tacitly negotiating the price of sex occurs in the early stages of a relationship.
The open market of sexual availability outside the relationship often reflects the true value of sex more accurately.
Transcripts
I'm Dr Orion taraban and this is cycax
Better Living Through psychology and the
topic of today's short talk is how to
have a fulfilling sexual relationship
well too long didn't read the way to
have a fulfilling sexual relationship is
to partner with someone who has more or
less the same libido as you do this is
something that generally doesn't change
you can do all the therapy you want you
can have all the conversations you want
but if somebody wants sex significantly
more than the other partner
that is probably not going to work out
in the long term one or both of those
partners are going to be frustrated with
whatever negotiated compromise or tacit
agreement they hit upon so the way to
have a fulfilling sexual relationship is
to choose someone who is interested in
having sex more or less the same amount
you are and who ideally has worked
through whatever baggage he or she might
have around sex and physical intimacy
because boy do people have baggage
around those things
now contrary to popular belief it's not
always the fact that men have a higher
libido than women do it can absolutely
be the other way around however I would
say that in general men want sex more
often than women do with men sex is a
drive with women sex is a mood a drive
is a Relentless impetus to action a mood
is something that kind of comes and goes
all right so in general men want sex
more than women do so if there is a
frustration in asexual relationship it's
usually because the man wants more sex
than the woman does not always but
generally so
how do you navigate this
guys if you want to have a fulfilling
sexual relationship with a woman you
have to establish consequences early on
in the relationship it is much harder to
do this further down the road due to the
presence of established reinforcement
protocols and likely explicitly
negotiated commitments it's possible but
it's much harder so much better to start
early and what exactly do you do
well wanting sex from a woman who is not
in the mood is kind of like showing up
at your favorite restaurant a minute
after they close
like let's say they serve until 8 pm and
you show up at 801.
and when you walk in the door they say
something like oh so sorry but we're
actually closed our kitchen is closed so
please come back tomorrow
now just like in a romantic relationship
if you were in this situation in real
life it would be absolutely ludicrous
and entitled to insist that you be
served it's only a minute after closing
time but it is technically after closing
time whether it's an inch or a mile out
of bounds is out of bounds and expecting
that an exception is going to be made
for you is a little narcissistic and
absurd that said
it would be just as ludicrous and
entitled for the restaurant to expect
that you're not going to eat until
tomorrow just because their kitchen is
closed
so what do you do in this real life
situation you say oh absolutely
completely understand enjoy the rest of
your night I'm gonna see what else is
open at this hour and I'll come back
another time
and you take your hunger where people
are willing to serve you it's that
simple
now before I go any further if you're
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now I get where women are coming from
having sex when you're not in the mood
is kind of like eating when you're not
hungry food just doesn't seem very
appetizing but turning down a man's
advances doesn't diminish his desire
just like saying your kitchen is closed
doesn't make that customer's hunger
disappear
all it does is communicate that he will
need to go elsewhere for satisfaction
and well no one would bat an eyelash at
a diner eating dinner elsewhere the idea
that a man would not just sit there and
be hungry if her kitchen is closed tends
to give some women pause
why well let's go back to the restaurant
metaphor there is a difference between
some random dude who shows up at 801
expecting to be fed in a good regular
customer who shows up at the same time
the one is not equivalent to the other
in both cases the restaurant loses the
profit on one meal but in the latter
case it potentially jeopardizes the
profit on an indefinite number of future
meals
now let's be real that restaurant
probably is not going to go out of
business if that one regular customer
takes his money elsewhere
but in general it's not wise to alienate
your regular customers so if a woman is
liking a man if she likes his attention
if she likes his lifestyle if she likes
his affection
and he is now considering taking his
sexual appetite elsewhere not in a hurt
or vindictive way but in the measured
and rational way a hungry customer would
look for a place to eat at dinner time
then she has to consider the possibility
that he is going to take all those other
things with him
and this will give many women pause and
they might start to think well
it is a minute after closing time but
it is only a minute after closing time
maybe we can make something work in fact
maybe I can get even more out of you
like a big tip by making it seem like
he's a special exception to my usual
business practices
so in the early stages of relationship
this is the leverage that men have you
cannot force a restaurant to serve you
if they are closed for business that's
the way it is however you can absolutely
take your business elsewhere
and if you exercise this option you
should do so in a completely
non-petulant way like hey totally
respect your decision that's fine but I
got to do something about this so I'm
gonna head out enjoy the rest of your
night and we'll get together some other
time
just like in the legal system precedents
have meaning and relationship and
especially early on in the courtship
process one of the many things that the
two of you are doing is tacitly
negotiating the price of sex
guys there is nothing wrong with just
cuddling up to your lady if she turns
down a bid for sex however don't be
surprised if you're having much less sex
than you would like to further into the
relationship this is because you've
basically communicated that the same
degree of attention affection lifestyle
and commitment can be secured with less
sex which makes sex a more valuable
relative commodity in that relationship
and I say in that relationship because
no matter what time of day it is there
is generally a restaurant open somewhere
and the price of food on the open market
is a more accurate reflection of its
true value than the menu prices at any
particular restaurant
what do you think does this fit with
your own experience let me know in the
comments below and if you've gotten this
far you might as well like this episode
And subscribe to this channel you may
also be coming uh considered becoming a
channel member with perks like priority
review of comments or booking a paid
consultation
as always
thank you for listening
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