Conquest is a Film About the Weirdest D&D Game Ever
Summary
TLDRIn this episode of Sick Flicks, Mike Bracken, aka the Horror Geek, reviews Lucio Fulci's 1983 sword and sorcery film, 'Conquest.' Bracken humorously critiques the movie's chaotic plot, shoddy effects, and bizarre elements, likening it to a mix of 'Conan,' 'Clash of the Titans,' and 'Star Wars.' Despite its flaws, 'Conquest' is praised for its outrageousness and gory scenes, earning a three barf bag rating. Bracken's entertaining commentary highlights the film's cult appeal and Fulci's unique style, making it a must-watch for fans of outrageous cinema.
Takeaways
- ๐ฎ The video script is a humorous review of 'Conquest', a 1983 film directed by Lucio Fulci, known for his horror movies.
- ๐ฅ 'Conquest' is described as an unusual departure for Fulci, blending elements of 'Conan', 'Clash of the Titans', and 'Star Wars', but not as good as any of those.
- ๐คฃ The reviewer, Mike Bracken, uses humor and sarcasm to highlight the film's absurdity and poor production quality.
- ๐ญ The film features a mix of topless women, cheap special effects, and frequent use of the 'Full Gi zoom', a signature shot by Lucio Fulci.
- ๐ Despite its flaws, the movie is said to have a 'gleeful insanity' that makes it entertaining for devoted Fulci fans.
- ๐ฌ The script mentions several scenes with odd and nonsensical elements, such as a topless C-3PO lookalike and a 'running of the sasquatches'.
- ๐ฒ The review points out the film's lack of continuity and coherence, with characters and plot points appearing and disappearing without explanation.
- ๐ The emotional impact of the film is questioned, with the reviewer suggesting that the characters' relationships and actions are not convincing.
- ๐ป The script includes several references to Fulci's horror roots and the contrast with the fantasy setting of 'Conquest'.
- ๐ The review concludes with 'Conquest' receiving a 'three barf bag rating' for its gore, which is considered decent but not up to Fulci's horror standards.
- ๐ฝ๏ธ The video is sponsored by patrons and encourages viewers to support the reviewer on Patreon for more content.
Q & A
What is the title of the movie discussed in the video script?
-The movie discussed in the video script is 'Conquest'.
Who is the director of 'Conquest'?
-The director of 'Conquest' is Lucio Fulci, often misspelled as 'Lucio Fulgie' or 'Fulgi' in the script.
What year was 'Conquest' released?
-'Conquest' was released in 1983.
What genre does 'Conquest' belong to, according to the script?
-According to the script, 'Conquest' is a sword and sorcery flick, which is a departure from Lucio Fulci's usual horror genre.
What are some of the elements that the script suggests 'Conquest' borrows from other films?
-The script suggests that 'Conquest' borrows elements from 'Conan', 'Clash of the Titans', and 'Star Wars'.
What is the general tone of the video script towards 'Conquest'?
-The general tone of the video script towards 'Conquest' is humorous and critical, highlighting the movie's absurdity and low-quality effects.
What are some of the humorous observations made by the script's narrator about 'Conquest'?
-Some humorous observations include the poor quality of the film's special effects, the nonsensical plot, and the frequent use of backlighting and 'Full Gi zooms'.
What is the role of George Rivera in 'Conquest'?
-George Rivera plays a character in 'Conquest' who uses bone nunchucks and is involved in several combat scenes.
What is the significance of the 'barf bag rating' mentioned in the script?
-The 'barf bag rating' is a humorous metric used by the narrator to rate the gore level in Lucio Fulci's movies, with 'Conquest' receiving a three barf bag rating.
What is the final rating given to 'Conquest' in terms of gore and why?
-The final rating given to 'Conquest' in terms of gore is three barf bags, indicating that while it has some gore, it does not meet the high standards of Fulci's classic horror output.
Who is the narrator of the video script and what is his online persona?
-The narrator of the video script is Mike Bracken, who adopts the persona of 'the Horror Geek'.
Outlines
๐ฌ Introduction to Lucio Fulci's 'Conquest'
The script opens with a tongue-in-cheek introduction to a hypothetical film directed by Lucio Fulci, known for horror, but here venturing into sword and sorcery with 'Conquest'. The film is humorously compared to a blend of 'Conan', 'Clash of the Titans', and 'Star Wars', but with a unique twist of Fulci's signature gore. The host, Mike Bracken, sets the stage for a review that promises to explore the film's eccentricities, including its lack of a coherent plot, overuse of full-gi zooms, and topless women. The video is sponsored by patrons, and viewers are encouraged to support the channel through Patreon for ad-free content.
๐ค A Bizarre Journey Through 'Conquest'
The summary delves into the chaotic narrative of 'Conquest', highlighting the film's nonsensical plot and peculiar special effects. It describes scenes featuring characters like 'Topless sexy C3PO' and 'Dollar General Chewbacca', which contribute to the film's absurdity. The review pokes fun at the film's low production values, such as grainy print and out-of-focus shots, while also appreciating its unintentional entertainment value. The host humorously recounts the film's action sequences, including George Rivera's fight with 'wookies' and the protagonist's various realizations about mundane tasks, adding a layer of levity to the summary.
๐น The Unraveling of 'Conquest's' Plot
This section of the script continues the exploration of 'Conquest', focusing on the film's attempt to establish a plot amidst its chaotic presentation. It details the protagonist's journey, including encounters with strange creatures, battles, and the discovery of a magic plant. The summary also mentions the film's use of backlighting and the introduction of new characters, such as 'Sexy C-3PO' and 'Brian May', adding to the film's surreal atmosphere. The host humorously comments on the film's continuity issues, special effects, and the protagonist's repeated realizations about forgotten tasks, providing a satirical take on the film's absurdity.
๐ The Climax and Conclusion of 'Conquest'
The final part of the script wraps up the review of 'Conquest' with a summary of its climax and conclusion. It describes the protagonist's final battle, which is humorously noted to be a two-minute afterthought, and the film's quick wrap-up. The host reflects on the film's gore content, giving it a 'three barf bag rating' for its creative, albeit not up to Fulci's horror standards, special effects. The review ends with the host's signature sign-off, inviting viewers to check out other reviews and promising more content that embraces the 'splatter' genre.
Mindmap
Keywords
๐กLucio Fulci
๐กConquest (1983)
๐กSword and Sorcery
๐กGore
๐กStar Wars
๐กClash of the Titans
๐กGore Geek
๐กBarf Bag Rating
๐กZombie
๐กFrazetta
๐กViking Funeral
Highlights
Introduction to 'Conquest', a film by Lucio Fulci, known for its departure from his usual horror genre.
Comparison of 'Conquest' to 'Conan', 'Clash of the Titans', and 'Star Wars', with a unique blend of elements.
The film's chaotic plot structure, with a main plot that is quickly abandoned after being found.
Mention of the film's climax being a two-minute afterthought, contrasting with the rest of the movie.
Description of the film's excessive use of topless women, cheap effects, and full-gi zooms.
Sponsor acknowledgment for the video, with a call to support the creator on Patreon.
Humoristic critique of the film's opening scene, comparing it to landing a plane with light brights.
Commentary on the film's poor cinematography, including soft focus and double exposure.
Analysis of the film's absurd character introductions, such as 'Topless Sexy C3PO' and 'Dollar General Chewbacca'.
Discussion of the film's nonsensical scenes, such as characters pole-vaulting into the scene.
Musing on the film's bizarre narrative choices, like characters forgetting mundane tasks amidst chaos.
Critique of the film's special effects, comparing them to a Frazetta painting done by someone with no hands.
Comment on the film's continuity errors, such as characters' injuries appearing in different legs.
The film's meta-commentary on Fulci's own work, with a scene that mirrors 'Zombie 3'.
Humor about the film's sound design, likening it to Saturday afternoon Kung Fu movies.
Final thoughts on 'Conquest', acknowledging its failure to meet conventional standards but embracing its charm.
Rating 'Conquest' with three barf bags for its gore, despite it not being Fulci's best.
Recommendation to watch 'Conquest' for its unique insanity, despite its flaws.
Transcripts
ever wondered what a d d game run by
luchio fulgi would look like well wonder
no more spoiler alert the answer is
awesome welcome to sick flicks where i
take a deep dive into the cinematic
sewer to help you embrace your inner
gore geek i'm mike bracken aka the
horror geek and today we're tackling
lucio fulchi's sword and sorcery flick
conquest released in 1983 conquest was
an odd departure from fulto's usual
horror fair it feels sort of like conan
merged with clash of the titans with a
healthy dose of star wars mixed in and
it's not even close to being as good as
any of those movies what conquest has
going for it is its gleeful insanity it
spends half the movie looking for the
main plot finds it and then immediately
dumps it it features a climax that's
basically a two-minute afterthought but
it's got plenty of topless women cheap
looking effects and more than enough
full gi zooms to make even the most
devoted folgi files happy but can
conquest serve up enough splatter to
earn the godfather and gore another five
part bag rating let's get to the gore
and find out oh and before we get
started today's video is sponsored by
patrons ed aborn ethan dusseau and matt
norsia sorry if i butchered anyone's
name if you'd like to sponsor some
videos and free me from the shackles of
youtube's tyranny you'll find a link to
my patreon in the pinned comment
description below and now let's get
bloody we fade in on whatever the hell
this is i thought i was watching a movie
not landing a plane oh it's a light
bright do you kids even remember light
brights christ i'm old also i'd totally
buy a new light bright if they let me
recreate fulchi gore scenes with it and
our first scene has soft focus we're off
to a great start plus ghosts apparently
or someone really [ย __ย ] up the film
processing i mean i don't want to alarm
anyone but i don't think this wedding
videographer is getting paid for this
work even with the double exposure and
super soft adult film focus this wig and
beard is hilarious i'd say if you squint
real hard this is like modern day brian
may hanging out with young brian may but
you don't even have to squint thanks to
all the vaseline smeared on this lens
o'brien is just here to deliver some
prophecy to young brian you must go
forth on an epic quest to find the red
special and defeat the evil forces of
disco and bring rock to the world
as a party gift future brian gives him
this bow i don't know not even three
minutes in and i'm seeing a lot of
drawbacks to this movie and double full
gi zoom god damn this movie has it all
and we haven't even got to the credits
anyway with the exposition done o'brien
is like take a bow wait i mean bow
english is weird then they vanish and
credits they spared no expense on this
title card hey george rivera is in this
i hope it's better than werewolf and
andreaki pinty we last saw him in a
blade in the dark
all this sweet music comes courtesy of
claudio simon eddy who clearly didn't
want to split his paycheck with the rest
of goblin these are literally the
laziest credits ever white text on a
blurry out of focus freeze frame
background an italian spanish mexican
co-production oh boy and directed by
lucio fulgie god i've missed you luchio
with the credit's over we still haven't
figured out how to get a clear in focus
shot wait a minute i thought this was
vulchi's conan riff not his dances with
wolves riff i don't even know what's
going on here but basically topless sexy
c3po is conducting some kind of sermon
on the mouth or maybe she's trying to
teach them how to do the ymca
[Music]
um did she just say i'm a live wire from
there we hop over to the first annual
running of the sasquatches look i have
no idea what's even happening in this
movie like what the [ย __ย ] is this it's
dollar general chewbacca i will say this
is a super bold aesthetic choice to put
the light behind him so we can't see how
truly amazingly awful this mask is for
sure but hey this guy's corpse paint is
pretty on point teddy ruxpin here isn't
pleased with the old guy's offer so he
clubs him like a baby seal man now it
really is corpse paint they're not done
though they split this chick like she's
a wishbone my guess is they're not
wishing for a healthy happy prosperous
year and if that weren't weird enough
sexy c-3po then proceeds to pick her
brain
literally but wait it gets even weirder
now the wookies are shotgunning the
peace pipe what the [ย __ย ] is going on
fulgy this feels like the version of
star wars george lucas never wanted you
to see at this point man i'm so high
right now i could bark at the moon
look i know i keep saying it's getting
weirder but god damn it really does keep
getting weirder because now brian may
has shown up and he's sporting his best
man without a face cosplay over in
another movie brian may who has his face
back saves this chick from a snake but
then he seems disappointed when his
chivalrous action doesn't cause her to
drop her loincloth on the spot nice way
to show your gratitude our heroes ladies
and gentlemen well he's lamenting his
in-cell status these guys attack
this guy is basically a skyrim meme come
to life dude literally was an adventure
and then took an arrow in the knee out
of ammo he flees but running is clearly
not his strong suit i say it again our
hero ladies and gentlemen and just as
things look bleak for the future queen
george rivero shows up and starts
beating guys with his bone hell yeah no
not like that you pervs his bone
nunchucks not gonna lie i've seen cereal
that's less grainy than the print of
this film unfortunately his heroism is
short-lived because he gets jumped by
these wookies who leapt in from
absolutely nowhere this movie does not
make one lick of sense but i am
thoroughly entertained folgie you
magnificent bastard but wait george
isn't so easily defeated he's throwing
out pimp hands left and right and you
really have to wonder why these wookies
keep pole vaulting into the scene seems
like a real waste energy but i guess it
helps george pull off moves like this in
the middle of all this ass kicking
george has a startling realization
[ย __ย ] i think i left the stove on back at
the cave oh sweet he's got a book of
ibon symbol tatted on his forehead
conquest is part of the beyond cinematic
universe confirmed ah here's why you're
having such a hard time rocking this
thing is totally out of tune who are you
my enemies call me makes oh come on you
don't even use a mace your name should
be chuck god damn it nunchucks it's so
obvious then he has another startling
realization [ย __ย ] i forgot to lock the
front door too oh holy hell just look at
this [ย __ย ] what they couldn't afford
stock footage birds skyrim guy who is
still in this movie makes it back to
sexy c-3po and miraculously it appears
his arrow wound is in the totally
opposite leg now say it with me
continuity is hard i really gotta get
more props for that gag chuck aka george
aka mace is learning how to use the bow
and he's hunting the most dangerous game
of all man probably just thought it was
a yachty claunchy
i learned fast don't i i close up drink
and another chug
why is like every other goddamn scene in
this movie backlit and it turns out
chuck aka mace was right he did leave
the stove on back at the cave hope he's
paid up on his cave owner's policy
budget brian may is like maybe this is
what older me meant at the start of the
movie when he told me beware the disco
inferno they escape and i love that
george rivera will never pass up an
opportunity to stealth flex back
upstairs the wookies gather around the
fire
they brought some s'mores these deleted
scenes from the star wars christmas
special still aren't as weird as the
actual star wars christmas special
anyway they appear to be trapped until
this snake slithers through which gives
chuck slash mace an idea he just showed
us the way out um yeah sure maybe if you
can shrink down a snake size i don't
think you guys will fit through that
whole otherwise naturally chuck starts
ramming his pole in the hole hell yeah
no not like that you purrs i mean he's
using the staff to make the passageway
bigger back topside this dude's trying
to figure out how to get car insurance
so easy a caveman can do it my ass and i
guess since chuck's cave burnt down
they're gonna crash at his friend's cave
while the insurance claim is settled and
if you guessed the chick ilia saved from
the snake earlier is gonna be here give
yourself a screenwriter's credit she
looks a little pale and some more
backlighting jesus did this movie even
have a cinematographer i close up top
off that j b and get to drinking and
chug again thoughts and prayers for your
liver we're over a third of the way into
this movie and i have no idea what's
going on but sure let's stop for a sex
scene except before brian can close the
deal with this groupie these guys decide
to drop in and hand deliver the c block
and here's our hero once again getting
completely overwhelmed by enemies maybe
chuck can save him again guess not he's
too busy getting pimp-handed he comes to
later with his usual look of suave
bewilderment did i leave the garage door
open and just when things look bleakest
these terrible fake birds return huzzah
if you're wondering where elias is he's
been captured by conquest version of
ewoks looks like he's going to be the
main course at the company picnic if you
have no idea who these wolf people are
or why they want brian may well don't
sweat it i have no clue either we can be
confused together three people write
this script and it still makes zero
sense at any rate things don't look
great for ilius but he's unbowed hey
we're back to backlighting scenes again
chuck i mean mace is totally gonna
rescue him but first he needs to make a
few lettuce wraps jesus look at this
acting action pose they're about to
escape but chewie wakes up he gets boned
hell yeah no i mean with chuck's chucks
you pervs and during the middle of the
ensuing fight chuck has another poorly
timed realization [ย __ย ] i think i forgot
to schedule my credit card payment after
a bunch of jibber-jabber boobs and
half-hearted exposition we get back to
the action
and i zoom if your liver hasn't revolted
yet you know what to do anyway now that
we're halfway through the movie this
seems like the perfect time to actually
start the plot chuck's gonna take ilyas
to sexy 3po's place so they can do
things i knew if they just kept
wandering around long enough they'd
eventually find the plot they set off
and i don't even want to think about how
much rule 34 fanfic has been written
about these two this special moment is
interrupted by whatever the [ย __ย ] this is
these special effects are many things
special is not one of them they flee but
ilious takes a dart in the thigh
he's not dead maybe hold off on the
viking funeral chuck it is pretty
convenient that there was a perfectly
good law graph just sitting there that's
for sure and remember i said we were
going to see sexy c-3po well there's a
change in plans now there's a small
valley there
where a magic plant grows it's totally a
savage cabbage dispensary and on
tonight's very special episode of dr
pimple popper ilius gets a boil man if
mace offers to suck out the poison this
review is over while off hunting for
magic mushrooms chuck has yet another
startling realization [ย __ย ] i think i
left the mail out on the counter before
i left the cave for this trip and it
wouldn't be a foolchi movie without some
zombies why are there zombies here what
purpose do they serve look i don't care
this is finally something i can get
excited about this looks suspiciously
like a similar sequence in zombie three
i always felt that sequence was a fulgy
scene and this pretty much proves it in
the ensuing battle chuck makes a few
points then things get meta yeah chuck
is fighting himself i feel like this is
fulgi's statement on the duality of man
and how we all struggle with our own
inner demons or something jesus listen
to this foley work
seen saturday afternoon kung fu movies
with more subtle sound design oh look
it's c-3po's minion avocado face
afterwards it turns out the cure for the
poison needle is to basically just turn
ilius into a chia pet who knew and it's
time for another startling realization
[ย __ย ] did i remember to file my taxes
after his recovery ilius has a change of
heart i'm not leaving
i'm running away let's be honest it's
about time he realized he's not the hero
of this movie and don't look now but i
think these two are breaking up theirs
was a love doomed to fail they were just
from different worlds literally after
the sweet sorrow of parting chuck's like
shove off pal and he has yet another
startling realization [ย __ย ] did i leave
my headlights on and this looks like a
living breathing version of a frazetta
painting if rosetta were blind and had
no hands and had to paint by holding the
brush with his feet so i guess that
whole we're headed to sexy 3po's plot
thing was a big fake out shocker while
chuck's lost in his thoughts trying to
remember where he put his car keys these
guys drop in
yeah nothing but net what the hell are
these things your guess is as good as
mine out on the water brian may reverses
course after some disembodied dialogue
reminds him of his sacred duty to save
rock and roll i'm coming to save you
freddie mercury we are the champions
then he finds these footprints in the
sand why are there only one set of
prince that's because chuck was carrying
you meanwhile chuck's recreating the
trio scene from conan man i wish i was
watching conan and then ilya shows up
and now he has a magic bow because he's
totally earned that kind of power with
all of his heroic deeds right how nice
he leveled up enough to get maldi shot
on his world of warcraft hunter merlock
down
chuck meanwhile is doing his best little
mermaid impression and has gone under
the sea i bet they got that sweet rack
from adam and eve
not gonna lie i'm amazed dilius can even
work that bow with those chicken wings
he calls arms might be time to hit the
curls just not in the squat rack bro
chuck is drowning but don't worry
flipper is on the case and just before
he dies he has time for one last
starting realization
[ย __ย ] i forgot to schedule swimming
lessons the dolphins don't really seem
to be in any rush to save him okay come
on dude he's been underwater for like
five minutes now i'd say he probably has
long-term brain damage but really how do
we tell back on land i zoom drink again
chuck meanwhile just washes up on shore
i think we've all been there he's like
[ย __ย ] i think i forgot to put the garbage
out and just like that the odd couple is
back on the road to sexy c-3po's place
they better really hoof it because we
had like 15 minutes of movie left we
still have to cross too much open ground
we'll rest now or yeah sure just stop
and rest no rush or anything unlike the
yadaglanci these two do not sleep nose
to anus wookie show up and cardilius off
into the night again what a hero this
must have been filmed during a brief
phase where fulche was just fascinated
with people jumping i mean there's a
house of pain slash crisscross level of
jumping in this film see i wasn't
kidding after some combat which i'm not
showing because it's so poorly lit you
literally can't see anything chuck
decides to get in a workout with his
shake weight with his workout finished
he makes a startling discovery
helios
yeah dude really lost his head over all
of this what a hero ilius may have lost
his head but that doesn't mean fool she
won't give him one more eye zoom
decapitation i zoom is a double drink
meanwhile chuck finally gets to give
ilius that viking funeral and have one
more startling realization [ย __ย ] did i
remember to check his pulse and make
sure he was actually dead before i lit
him on fire really the best way to cook
your alias is grilled over an open flame
anyway i don't want to rush you luchio
but there's six minutes left in this
movie we might want to get a climax
rolling at some point or just have chuck
robilius ash all over himself i mean
you're the director and this gives chuck
one more chance to flex
revenge
revenge
with that over we finally decide to get
to an ending nice work full g chuck
summons the magic bow and does his best
robin hood impression maybe fulchi was
right his ending doesn't really need
more than two minutes chuck lines up one
last magic missile and blast sexy c3po
right in the face
don't even start danny man no wonder she
wore that mask she looks worse than
vader at the end of return of the jedi
chuck has one last realization [ย __ย ] i
think i forgot me and elias's
anniversary he sends one more arrow into
3po and she
turns into a dog
okay maybe fool she did hate women i'm
kidding maybe with his work done chuck
walks off into the sunset [ย __ย ] did i
leave my wallet back at 3po's place
followed by a freeze frame and this end
card thanks for clarifying that movie i
was thoroughly convinced that chuck was
based on a guy i see in the gym all the
time glad that wasn't the case so what
have we learned from conquest well for
starters foolchi can make a bad movie in
genres other than horror i'm kidding i
mean conquest is not a good movie by any
conventional metric but it's so terrible
that you wind up loving it it's clear
the godfather gore was outside his
comfort zone in this one but that's part
of its charm it just meanders all over
the place for 88 minutes and then wraps
up in like 90 seconds but enough about
that can conquest slaughter enough
random high fantasy monsters to earn
another 5 barf bag rating for fulchi
let's go to the gore card in terms of
gross anatomy conquest definitely
delivers we're treated to multiple split
heads a decapitation oozing pustules
3po's face reveal and a woman split like
a wishbone in an odd twist the gore
effects here aren't up to the standards
of folgi's classic horror output but
there's enough here to give conquest a
respectable three barf bag rating this
is not a super sick flick by foolchi
standards but it's so batshit insane you
should definitely see it anyway looking
for more fuchi gore then be sure to
check out my review of zombie you'll
find a link here on the screen i'll meet
you over there until next time i'm mike
bracken aka the [ย __ย ] geek bringing you
all the splatter that matters
5.0 / 5 (0 votes)