Own Your Behaviours, Master Your Communication, Determine Your Success | Louise Evans | TEDxGenova

Summary

In this insightful talk, the speaker uses the metaphor of five chairs to explore different behaviors and attitudes we adopt in life. From the judgmental 'jackal' to the empathetic 'giraffe,' each chair represents a choice that impacts our relationships and quality of life. The speaker encourages self-awareness and conscious behavior to foster better communication and a more harmonious world, one interaction at a time.

Takeaways

• 😀 The speaker introduces five chairs as symbols of different behaviors and attitudes we can adopt in life.
• 🎭 The 'Red Chair' represents judgmental and negative behaviors, such as blaming and gossiping.
• 🦔 The 'Yellow Chair' symbolizes self-doubt and self-judgment, where we may feel vulnerable and protective.
• 🦊 The 'Meerkat Chair' encourages mindfulness and awareness, promoting curiosity and conscious thought.
• 🔍 The 'Detective Chair' is about self-awareness and understanding our behaviors and intentions.
• 🐬 The 'Dolphin Chair' represents assertiveness and intelligence without aggression, embodying our best selves.
• 🦒 The 'Giraffe Chair' stands for empathy, compassion, and understanding, with the ability to see from others' perspectives.
• 📱 A personal story illustrates the importance of not jumping to conclusions and the impact of our choices on relationships.
• 🌐 The concept of the 'five chairs' originated from a course in nonviolent communication and aims to improve workplace behaviors.
• 🤝 The speaker emphasizes the power of empathy and the importance of listening and caring for others in building strong relationships.
• 🌟 The final message is an invitation to integrate these behaviors into daily life, to improve personal and professional interactions, and to contribute to a better world.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the speaker's talk?

The main theme of the speaker's talk is about the choices we make in our behaviors and attitudes and how they impact our relationships and the quality of our lives.

Why did the speaker choose the Blue Note Jazz Club in Milan for an evening out with her partner's daughter?

The speaker chose the Blue Note Jazz Club in Milan because it was a special venue where her favorite jazz group, the Manhattan Transfer, was playing, and she thought it would be a great setting for a bonding experience.

What was the speaker's initial reaction when she saw the daughter on her iPhone during the jazz performance?

The speaker initially felt disappointed and questioned the daughter's engagement in the evening, as well as the attention span of the younger generation.

What were the different choices the speaker considered in response to seeing the daughter on her phone?

The speaker considered expressing her frustration, questioning her choice of venue, counting to ten and relaxing, focusing on making the evening special for the daughter, and trying to understand what was important for the daughter.

What did the daughter reveal to the speaker about the Blue Note Jazz Club and the Manhattan Transfer?

The daughter revealed that the Blue Note Jazz Club in Milan was the only one in Europe, mentioned the long history of the Manhattan Transfer, and showed that she had posted about the event on Facebook.

What is the concept of the 'five chairs' introduced by the speaker?

The 'five chairs' concept is a tool to help individuals slow down, analyze, and be more conscious of their behaviors and attitudes in different situations, with each chair representing a different mode of behavior.

What does the 'red chair' or 'jackal chair' represent in the speaker's concept?

The 'red chair' or 'jackal chair' represents a behavior where individuals tend to blame, complain, punish, gossip, and judge others.

What is the significance of the 'hedgehog chair' or 'yellow chair' in the speaker's model?

The 'hedgehog chair' signifies a behavior where individuals feel vulnerable and protect themselves by judging themselves harshly and playing the victim.

What does the 'meerkat chair' represent and how does it relate to mindfulness?

The 'meerkat chair' represents a behavior of being vigilant, observant, and mindful, where individuals pause, take a deep breath, and become conscious of their thoughts and actions.

How does the speaker relate the 'detect chair' to self-awareness and personal growth?

The 'detect chair' encourages individuals to become detectives of their own behaviors, to be self-aware, set boundaries, and speak their truth without giving away their power, leading to personal growth and freedom.

What is the 'dolphin chair' and how does it represent our best human qualities?

The 'dolphin chair' represents playful, intelligent communication, and embodies our best human qualities when we are at our most empathetic, compassionate, and understanding.

What does the 'giraffe chair' symbolize in terms of empathy and perspective?

The 'giraffe chair' symbolizes empathy, compassion, and understanding, inviting individuals to put their egos aside, listen to others, and embrace different perspectives and realities.

What advice does the speaker give for translating the 'five chairs' concept into daily life?

The speaker advises taking the 'five chairs' concept home, using it to navigate daily interactions, teaching it to children, and even placing them in the boardroom to improve workplace dynamics.

What quote from Viktor Frankl does the speaker use to emphasize the power of choice in our attitudes?

The speaker quotes Viktor Frankl's 'Man's Search for Meaning,' stating that the last of human freedoms is the ability to choose our attitude in any given set of circumstances.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Challenge of Digital Distractions

The speaker introduces the concept of the five chairs as a metaphor for different behaviors and attitudes we exhibit in life. Using a personal anecdote, they recount an evening at the Blue Note Jazz Club with their partner's daughter, where they faced a challenge of her using her iPhone during the performance. The speaker reflects on potential reactions, ranging from disapproval and frustration to understanding and curiosity. The daughter's use of the phone turned out to be a means of enhancing their shared experience, as she was engaging with the event through social media and learning more about the venue and performers. This highlights the importance of not jumping to conclusions and considering the context of others' actions.

05:04

🔄 The Impact of Our Choices on Relationships

The speaker delves into the consequences of the choices we make in our behaviors and attitudes, emphasizing their direct impact on our conversations, relationships, and overall life quality. They introduce the 'five chairs' concept, inspired by a course in nonviolent communication with Marshall Rosenberg. The idea is to encourage slowing down and analyzing our behavior in the moment. The speaker describes the first two chairs: the 'jackal chair', symbolizing judgment and blame, and the 'hedgehog chair', representing self-protection and self-judgment. They discuss the tendency to focus on what is wrong with others or ourselves, rather than recognizing the potential for growth and understanding.

10:06

🕵️‍♂️ Self-Awareness and Empathy Through the Chairs

Continuing the exploration of the five chairs, the speaker describes the 'meerkat chair', a symbol of mindfulness and observation, and the 'detective chair', which encourages self-awareness and boundary setting. The 'dolphin chair' represents playful intelligence and effective communication. The 'giraffe chair', signifying empathy and understanding, is highlighted as a place to listen and care for others, putting one's ego aside. The speaker encourages embracing different perspectives and realities, promoting tolerance and the importance of understanding what is important to others in our interactions.

15:09

🌟 The Power of Attitude and Choice in Daily Life

The speaker concludes by translating the concept of the five chairs into practical daily life applications. They suggest that maintaining balance between the negative and positive behaviors represented by the chairs is essential for happiness and success. Drawing from Viktor Frankl's work, they emphasize the ultimate human freedom to choose our attitude in any given circumstance. The speaker invites the audience to adopt the five chairs in their personal and professional lives, to improve communication and foster a better environment. They end with a call to action for everyone to commit to making incremental behavioral changes for the betterment of homes, workplaces, and the world.

Keywords

💡Protagonists

The term 'protagonists' refers to the main characters in a narrative or drama. In the context of the video, the 'five chairs' are metaphorically called the protagonists because they carry the central message of the speaker's talk, which is about the behaviors and attitudes we bring into the world.

💡Behaviors

Behaviors are the actions or reactions of individuals in various situations. The video emphasizes the impact of our behaviors on the quality of our relationships and lives, highlighting how choices in behavior can either enhance or detract from our interactions with others.

💡Attitudes

Attitudes are the settled ways of thinking or feeling about something, which can influence one's behavior. The speaker uses the concept of attitudes to illustrate how our internal perspectives can shape our external actions and the resulting dynamics in our relationships.

💡Multitasking

Multitasking is the ability to handle multiple tasks or activities simultaneously. The speaker mentions multitasking in a 'digital way' to describe how the younger generation, represented by her partner's daughter, can be engaged in the present moment while also being connected to digital media, thus blending the physical and digital realms of interaction.

💡Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a communication approach developed by Marshall Rosenberg that emphasizes empathy and compassion in dialogue. The speaker attended a course on NVC, which influenced her to incorporate the concept of the 'five chairs' as a tool for self-awareness and improved communication in personal and professional settings.

💡Jackal Chair

The 'Jackal Chair' is a metaphorical seat representing a negative behavior pattern characterized by blame, complaint, and judgment. It is used in the video to illustrate the harmful behaviors that people exhibit when they are quick to criticize others without understanding the full context.

💡Hedgehog Chair

The 'Hedgehog Chair' symbolizes a defensive and self-protective stance, akin to how a hedgehog curls up to protect itself. In the video, it represents self-judgment and self-doubt, where individuals may harshly criticize themselves and feel vulnerable to perceived threats from the world around them.

💡Meerkat Chair

The 'Meerkat Chair' is associated with vigilance and mindfulness. It represents a state of heightened awareness and conscious thought, where individuals pause to reflect on their actions and the world around them, promoting a more thoughtful and intentional approach to life.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. The speaker discusses the 'Giraffe Chair' as a place of empathy, where one puts aside personal ego to listen and care for others, fostering deeper connections and understanding.

💡Self-Awareness

Self-awareness refers to the conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires. The 'Detect Chair' in the video encourages self-awareness by prompting individuals to examine their own behaviors and attitudes, leading to personal growth and more authentic interactions.

💡Assertiveness

Assertiveness is the ability to express personal opinions, desires, and rights in a direct, honest, and appropriate way. The 'Detect Chair' also symbolizes assertiveness, where individuals are encouraged to speak their truth while maintaining respect for others, avoiding aggression.

💡Diversity

Diversity refers to the range of differences among people, including but not limited to race, ethnicity, gender, age, and beliefs. The 'Giraffe Chair' invites individuals to embrace diversity by understanding and accepting different perspectives, promoting tolerance and inclusivity.

💡Freedom

Freedom, in the context of the video, is associated with the 'Dolphin Chair' and represents the liberation from negative behaviors and self-imposed limitations. It suggests a state of being where individuals are free to express themselves authentically and live life to the fullest, empowered by self-awareness and positive behaviors.

💡Generosity

Generosity is the quality of being willing to give in a selfless way. The speaker mentions stepping into someone else's shoes as an act of generosity, particularly in the context of the 'Giraffe Chair,' where understanding others and offering care and compassion is seen as a generous act.

Highlights

Introduction of the five chairs as the real protagonists of the talk, symbolizing different behaviors and attitudes.

Personal story about building a relationship with a stepdaughter at the Blue Note Jazz Club.

The challenge of reacting to the stepdaughter using her iPhone during a special event.

Different choices in reaction to the stepdaughter's behavior and their potential consequences.

The importance of not jumping to conclusions about others' actions.

The revelation that the stepdaughter was engaged and enhancing the experience through her phone.

The concept of the five chairs as a tool for self-reflection and behavior analysis.

Description of the Red Chair as the 'jackal' chair, symbolizing blame, complaint, and judgment.

The 'I'm right' game and the lesson of prioritizing relationships over being correct.

The Yellow Chair as the 'hedgehog' chair, representing self-judgment and vulnerability.

The Meerkat Chair as a symbol of mindfulness, awareness, and the practice of WAIT.

The Detective Chair for self-awareness and understanding personal behaviors and boundaries.

The Dolphin Chair representing playfulness, intelligence, and effective communication.

The Giraffe Chair symbolizing empathy, compassion, and the importance of perspective and diversity.

The idea of translating the five chairs concept into daily life for improved relationships and meetings.

Viktor Frankl's quote on the freedom to choose our attitude in any given set of circumstances.

The call to action to use the five chairs to improve homes, workplaces, and the world one behavior at a time.

Transcripts

Translator: Hui chu Chen

I'd like to introduce you to these five chairs

because they are actually the real protagonists of my talk.

They have a special message to give to all of us,

and the message is about

what behaviors and attitudes we bring into the world in every moment.

Now, to show you what I mean,

I have a story to tell you from my personal life.

And I was trying to build a stronger relationship

with a very important person,

the daughter of my partner, 20-year-old daughter.

To do that, I thought,

"Let's have a great evening out, just the two girls together."

And I chose a special venue,

the Blue Note Jazz Club in Milan.

That night, the Manhattan Transfer, which is my favorite jazz group,

were playing.

So, we meet, atmosphere is fantastic.

We are getting on very well,

and I'm happy.

Being a baby boomer, loving the music,

I thought, "Well, is she liking it as much as I am?"

So in that moment, I just turned to look at her to check.

And what did I see? I saw this.

She was on her iPhone.

Now, how to react?

I had some choices.

First choice.

Excuse me. What is she doing?

She's on her iPhone.

I mean, I spent all this time and money

thinking of a fantastic evening, I bring her here, and what?

After two minutes I take my eyes off her,

and she's on her phone?

I mean, what is wrong with this generation?

I mean, they got the attention span of a fruit fly,

for God's sake.

(Sighing)

Choice number two.

This was a mistake.

(Laughter)

Why did I bring her here?

I mean, she's bored; she's not interested; she doesn't like the music.

What was I thinking? I mean: Why should she like the music?

I mean, this is stuff for baby boomers.

She probably thinks she's spending the evening with a dinosaur.

Oh, God!

Choice number three.

Hold your horses.

Count to ten. Take a deep breath.

Don't jump to conclusions.

You don't know what she is doing on her iPhone.

So just relax.Take it easy.

Have another drink.

(Laughter)

Choice number four.

Now, you know, what's really important for me

is that this evening together is special,

that she feels that after this evening, she can really open up to me;

she can feel safe with me, and that -

I'm always an open door for her, that's what's really important for me.

I just hope it's going to happen -

I just hope.

Choice number five.

What's important for her?

What's going on in her world right now?

What's important for her?

I really would love to connect to her.

What do I need to do that?

(Sighing)

You know, I was having real problems trying to answer that question.

And in that moment, she turned to me and she said,

"Louise, did you know that this is the only Blue Note

in the whole of Europe?

And there's one in New York, and then there's two in Japan,

but this is the only one here in Milan.

That's incredible; the Italians have got it."

And she said, "Oh, and I've looked up the Manhattan Transfer.

Do you know that they've been playing and singing together for 40 years?

That's incredible!"

And she said, "Also, look."

She handed me her iPhone; she'd sent a message out on Facebook;

it said, "In the Blue Note in Milan,

with the Manhattan transfer and Louise, the best!"

Now, that was a close shave.

I mean, I could've really spoiled that.

Because I could have sent her a disapproving look from this chair.

And she could've started telling herself about me, things about me,

like, Louise, she's controlling.

She's difficult.

It's not easy to be around her.

And that was not my intention at all.

And in fact, she was completely engaged.

She was there,

multitasking in her digital way, but she was enhancing our reality.

So, in milliseconds,

I could have destroyed that beautiful moment that we were creating together.

And this is what we are doing all the time,

we are making choices about the behaviors that we bring into the world.

And the choices that we make have a direct impact

on the conversations that we have,

the relationships that we form,

and the quality of our lives in general.

So, what can we do at a practical level

to help us be more conscious about this?

Because they don't train us this in school.

It's not on the school curriculum - how to behave well, really.

So, what can we do?

The idea of the five chairs came to me

when I went and attended a nine-day course in nonviolent communication

with its late founder, Marshall Rosenberg, an extraordinary man,

who did so much for world peace.

And after that, it sort of changed my life.

After that, I decided that it was a message

that I needed to get into our workplaces.

Workplaces where I spend most of my time

being a coach, a facilitator, and the trainer.

And also, where we produce some of our most questionable behaviors,

sometimes toxic behaviors.

So, the idea of the five chairs is to help us slow down

how we are behaving in every moment of our lives

and to analyze what's going on.

So, what I would like to do

is look at the chairs more closely and explain them.

The red chair.

This is the jackal chair.

I mean, jackals are incredibly clever, incredibly opportunistic animals.

They always on the lookout to attack.

And in fact, this chair here is the chair where we misbehave the most.

In this chair we love to blame, to complain, to punish, to gossip;

but our supreme game in this chair is to judge.

And if you don't believe me, I invite you to go on a mental diet;

I invite you to spend one hour with some human beings

and see if you can do it without one single judgment

going through your mind.

I mean, watch ourselves.

Somebody walks in the door, we go: bzzzzzzzzz,

I like, don't like, not really interested.

And we don't know anything about them at all.

So, this chair here

is a judging chair.

There's actually another game that I love in this chair,

it's the "I'm right" game.

And I used to do that all time, all the time

until my brother gave me some feedback.

I used to do it with my mother because my mother likes to exaggerate.

So she would say something like,

"Oh yes, there were 30 people at the family gathering."

And my job was to correct her.

I'm saying, "No, Mom, they weren't 30, they were 13."

So, I was the policewoman of the situation.

My brother touched me on the arm,

and he said, "It doesn't matter," to which I reacted,

"What do you mean it doesn't matter? Of course, it matters. She's wrong.

And she needs to be corrected for her own good."

He touched me on the arm again, and he said,

"Do you want to be in a relationship with your mother,

or do you want to be right?"

Big lesson.

From then on,

I always looked upon my mother's exaggeration as a form of abundance.

So, here in this chair, what we tend to do

is we tend to see what is wrong with other people

rather than what is right.

Mother Teresa reminds us,

"The more we judge people, the less time we have to love them."

The next chair is the hedgehog chair,

the yellow chair.

Now, the hedgehog -

When we behave like hedgehogs, we feel very vulnerable,

and we curl up, we protect ourselves against what we feel is an evil world.

And what we do is we mercilessly judge ourselves in this chair.

So we turn this chair, the red chair, on ourselves.

And we say things like, "I'm not intelligent enough.

I cannot do this. Nobody believes in me."

And we have certain fears,

we have fears of being rejected, fears of disappointing, fears of failing.

And we also play the victim.

So it's, "Nobody cares for me, nobody loves me."

But in fact,

when I use this in companies, and I ask managers, and I say,

"Where do you spend the most of your time?"

Hardly anybody comes and sits here.

Because it's quite difficult to admit our weaknesses sometimes.

We need a lot of courage.

And yet, we all suffer from self-doubt.

But it's really, what do we do with our self-doubt?

Do we give up and give in?

Or do we say no?

I want to find the resources and grow.

And Krishnamurti says something wonderful,

he says, "The highest form of intelligence

is the ability to observe ourselves without judging."

So, next chair.

This is the meerkat chair.

I don't know if you've ever seen a meerkat.

They are not many in Italy, but they are incredible.

When they are on sentinel duty,

they can stay for one hour just like this:

one hour moving their head and only their head.

Incredibly vigilant.

And when we are in this chair, this is what we do.

We're mindful; we're very aware;

we are observant; we stop; we pause.

We take a deep breath, and we're conscious.

This is the WAIT chair. W-A-I-T.

What am I thinking? What am I telling myself?

So here we become very curious.

If somebody is angry, instead of saying, "For God sake: grow up, will you?"

We think, "I wonder why that person is angry?"

And we feel interested.

So this chair here is ...

When I think of Nietzsche,

this is such an important quote for this chair.

He says, "You have your way; I have my way.

As for the right way and the only way, it does not exist."

So here we have a choice.

The red pill or the blue pill?

It's the sliding door chair.

And in this moment when we make the right choice,

we move into this successful living.

Next chair.

Here we go into the world of detect.

Now, why detect?

Detect because we become detective of ourselves,

like Sherlock Holmes of ourselves.

We take a magnifying glass, and we look at our behaviors.

It's a beautiful chair because we become self-aware.

We know who we are. We know what we want.

We know where we're going. We're not afraid to speak our truth.

But we also create our boundaries.

We look after ourselves in this chair.

But we're very very powerful.

We don't give our power away.

Here we give our power away.

So here we grow, we become free.

We come into our full power.

We become assertive, but not aggressive.

Aristotle said, "Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom."

We can be here for our whole lives.

Why the dolphin?

The dolphin because it's such a wonderful animal.

It's playful; it's intelligent; it communicates beautifully.

When I think of the dolphin,

I think of us at our very best as human beings.

So, next chair.

This is the giraffe chair.

Very beautiful chair,

very difficult.

I don't know if you know,

but the giraffe has the biggest heart of all land animals;

it's that size.

And not only does it have the biggest heart,

it also has the longest neck.

So it has incredible vision.

So when we are in this chair,

we are displaying empathy, compassion, and understanding.

And in this chair, we put our egos on the back burner,

and we listen to people.

We hold people in our presence, and we care for them.

Stepping into somebody else's shoes and understanding them

is a great act of generosity.

Abraham Lincoln once said,

"I don't like that man. I must get to know him better."

So in this chair, it's an invitation

to look at other perspectives,

to embrace other realities,

to embrace diversity,

and to become tolerant.

And the most important question in this chair is what is important

for him or her in front of me?

And the intention in this chair is to stay connected whatever happens.

So these are the chairs.

How do we translate this into daily life?

Well, you can imagine, if you go to work,

maybe you can go, and you give a presentation,

and it goes really well.

So you are here, thinking, "Great, fantastic!"

Then, maybe you have a meeting and things go badly,

and we sink into these chairs.

Now our challenge every day is to understand how to find the balance

between sitting here and sitting here.

Because if we're sitting here, life is not that happy.

But if we're sitting here, in these chairs,

we're more rational; we're more open;

we're more intelligent; we're more thoughtful.

Something that really moved me very very deeply when I first read it

was this: Viktor Frankl, in his book Man's Search for Meaning,

said, "Everything can be taken from man but one thing.

The last of human freedoms -

to choose our attitude in any given set of circumstances."

This is so powerful.

So when you next want to snap at your children,

or argue with your partner,

or punish someone at work,

try and come into this chair here and think.

And if by chance, you end up in this chair -

which very often happens -

can we find the courage to say "I'm sorry"

and make everything right again?

So, my invitation to you is to take these chairs home with you.

Play with them. Make them your own.

Teach them to your kids; they get this immediately.

Put five of them in the boardroom at work

and watch how your meetings will improve.

And the next time somebody presses one of your red buttons,

just think: five chairs, five choices.

Can we all commit to making our homes,

our workplaces, and this world a better place?

One behavior at a time.

Thank you.

(Applause)