How Narcissist Sees YOU

Summary

In this insightful script, psychology professor Sam Vaknin delves into the complex mind of a narcissist, exploring how they perceive themselves and others. He explains the initial idealization and subsequent devaluation of relationships, the narcissist's self-victimization, and their tendency to blame-shift, manipulate, and project their flaws onto others. Vaknin highlights the challenges of communicating with a narcissist, their paranoia, and the emotional turmoil they can cause, ultimately painting a picture of a disturbed internal world that is often out of touch with reality.

Takeaways

• 🤔 The narcissist perceives others and themselves differently from how others perceive them, often lacking a genuine understanding of others.
• 📸 Narcissists 'take a snapshot' of people when they first meet, idealizing them and then gradually changing their perception as reality diverges from this idealized image.
• 🧐 They struggle to accept others as separate entities, viewing them as extensions of themselves, similar to an organ or another limb.
• 💢 Narcissists believe they are never wrong and will convince themselves that others have changed rather than admit to a misjudgment.
• 🔄 They often shift blame, seeing themselves as innocent and assigning guilt to others, especially in conflicts or disagreements.
• 😤 They may view any criticism or advice as an attack on their character, interpreting it as an attempt to manipulate or control them.
• 😈 Narcissists can cast themselves as victims, using this narrative to manipulate and maintain a sense of moral superiority.
• 🚫 They may accuse others of emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, and conditional love, reflecting their own behaviors onto others.
• 🚫🚫 In extreme cases, narcissists may deny intimacy or become celibate, viewing it as a way to transcend human weaknesses and elevate themselves.
• 🔪 They may accuse others of betrayal, viewing them as toxic influences that prevent the narcissist from realizing their full potential.
• 💬 Narcissists often project their own negative traits onto others, accusing them of the very behaviors they themselves exhibit.

Q & A

What does the term 'narcissistic abuse' refer to according to the speaker?

The term 'narcissistic abuse' refers to the psychological manipulation and emotional mistreatment that a narcissist inflicts on others, as described in the speaker's book 'The Inestimable Malignant Self-Love Narcissism Revisited'.

How does the narcissist initially perceive the person they interact with?

The narcissist initially perceives the person they interact with by taking a 'snapshot' of them, idealizing this image to reflect their own self-image and desires.

What is the process of 'idealization' as described in the script?

Idealization is the process where a narcissist inflates the image of another person in their mind to an unrealistic standard, often to reflect positively on themselves. It's a way for the narcissist to feel superior by association with a 'perfect' object.

How does the narcissist's perception of the other person change over time?

Over time, as the other person deviates from the idealized snapshot, the narcissist's perception changes, viewing them as flawed and separate from themselves, much like an organ that's causing trouble.

What does the speaker mean by the 'internal object' or 'introject' in the context of a narcissist's mind?

The 'internal object' or 'introject' refers to the mental representation of the other person within the narcissist's mind, which doesn't change as rapidly as the narcissist's actual perception of the person.

Why does the narcissist believe they never make mistakes or are wrong?

The narcissist believes they never make mistakes or are wrong to preserve their grandiosity and sense of infallibility, as admitting error would challenge their self-perceived perfection.

What is the 'blame shift' phenomenon as described by the speaker?

The 'blame shift' phenomenon is when the narcissist perceives any disagreement, criticism, or advice from the other person as an attempt to shift blame onto them, which they resent and interpret as manipulation or a power play.

How does the narcissist view their own victimhood?

The narcissist views themselves as a victim of circumstances, constantly blaming others for their issues, and using this perceived victimhood as a tool for manipulation and to maintain the moral high ground.

What does the speaker mean by 'TIG' in the context of the narcissist's behavior?

TIG stands for 'Trauma-Induced Gaslighting', a new personality construct where the narcissist casts themselves as a victim of trauma, using it to manipulate and control interactions with others.

How does the narcissist justify their actions and behaviors?

The narcissist justifies their actions and behaviors by rewriting their history and narrative to cast themselves in a positive light, always being right and others in the wrong, thus absolving themselves of any responsibility.

What is the significance of the narcissist's belief that they are being emotionally manipulated or blackmailed?

The belief that they are being emotionally manipulated or blackmailed allows the narcissist to view themselves as a victim and the other person as an abuser, reinforcing their need for control and their distorted perception of reality.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 The Narcissist's Perception of You and Reality

Sam Vaknin, a psychologist and author, discusses how a narcissist perceives others and themselves. Initially, they take a mental 'snapshot' of people, idealizing them to reflect their own self-image. However, as reality sets in and individuals deviate from this idealized image, the narcissist's perception changes. They struggle to accept others as separate entities, viewing them more like extensions of themselves. This leads to a 'hate-love' dynamic, similar to how a person with a chronic illness might resent an organ causing them trouble. The narcissist is also portrayed as someone who believes they are infallible, never wrong, and that any changes in others are due to external influences, not their own misjudgment.

05:03

🤔 The Narcissist's Victim Narrative and Blame Shifting

This paragraph delves into the narcissist's tendency to perceive themselves as victims of their circumstances and others' actions. They are described as paranoid, believing the world is hostile and out to get them. The narcissist is prone to blame-shifting, seeing themselves as guiltless and others, including their partners, as the source of problems. This leads to a distorted reality where any attempt at communication or advice is perceived as an attack or manipulation. The narcissist's internal narrative is one of victimhood, where they are always right and others are wrong, which further complicates any form of relationship or interaction with them.

10:04

😡 The Narcissist's Accusations and Projection of Flaws

The third paragraph focuses on the narcissist's tendency to accuse others of various negative traits and behaviors. They may claim that their partners are self-destructive, hateful, or manipulative, and that they are trying to 'drag them down.' The narcissist sees themselves as superior beings, not ordinary humans, and thus any attempt to relate to them on a human level is seen as an attack on their grandeur. They may even resort to extreme measures such as denying intimacy to assert their control and superiority. The paragraph also touches on the narcissist's projection of their own flaws onto others, accusing them of the very behaviors they themselves exhibit.

15:07

👿 The Narcissist's Misogyny and Betrayal Complex

Here, the discussion turns to the narcissist's deep-seated hatred and mistrust, often specifically towards women, but the principles apply to both genders. The narcissist may view their partner as a predator, attempting to trap and control them, preventing them from reaching their full potential. They accuse their partners of deceit, betrayal, and of trying to change them into something they are not. This reflects a deep-seated fear of being controlled or losing their identity, which is tied to early childhood experiences of betrayal by their primary caregiver.

20:09

💔 The Narcissist's Internal Struggle and Need for Separation

The final paragraph describes the narcissist's internal struggle with their need to separate from their 'mother figure' and become an independent individual. This involves a complex dynamic of attraction and repulsion, where the narcissist both needs and resents their partner. They accuse their partner of creating an alternate reality that disorients and depersonalizes them, leading to a desire to escape. The narcissist's perception of their partner as an enemy is a crucial step in their process of separation, although it is fraught with conflict and emotional turmoil.

Keywords

💡Narcissist

A narcissist is an individual with an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. In the context of the video, the term refers to a person who lacks empathy and has a grandiose sense of self-importance. The script discusses how a narcissist perceives others and themselves, often idealizing and then devaluing people in their lives, which is central to the video's theme of narcissistic relationships.

💡Idealization

Idealization is the act of regarding someone or something as perfect or better than they truly are. In the video, the concept is used to describe how a narcissist initially perceives others, creating an unrealistic snapshot of the person that they later compare against, leading to disappointment and devaluation when reality does not match this idealized image.

💡Introject

An introject is a psychological term referring to the internalization of external values or attitudes. The video explains that a narcissist has an internal object or 'introject' representing others in their mind, which does not change as the real person changes, leading to a disconnect between the narcissist's perception and reality.

💡Grandiosity

Grandiosity is the state of having an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or power. The script mentions that a narcissist needs to preserve their grandiosity by never admitting mistakes or being wrong, which is a key aspect of their self-perception and interactions with others.

💡Blame Shift

Blame shift is the act of transferring responsibility for a problem or failure onto someone else. The video describes how a narcissist perceives any criticism or advice as blame shifting, believing themselves to be innocent and others as the cause of issues, which is a defensive mechanism to protect their self-image.

💡Victimhood

Victimhood is the state of being a victim. The script discusses how a narcissist often casts themselves as a victim, using this narrative to manipulate others and maintain a sense of moral superiority, which is a significant part of their psychological makeup.

💡Guilt Tripping

Guilt tripping is the act of making someone feel guilty in order to influence their behavior. The video explains that a narcissist perceives expressions of care or concern as manipulative attempts to make them feel guilty and change their behavior, which reflects their defensive stance against perceived control.

💡Projection

Projection is a psychological defense mechanism where one's own undesirable thoughts or feelings are attributed to someone else. The script describes how a narcissist projects their negative qualities onto others, accusing them of the very behaviors the narcissist is exhibiting, such as manipulation and deceit.

💡Dehumanizing

Dehumanizing refers to the act of depriving a person of their human qualities or treating them as if they were less than human. In the video, the term is used to describe how a narcissist may view others as extensions of themselves or as objects, rather than as separate individuals with their own feelings and autonomy.

💡Self-Actualization

Self-actualization is the drive for self-fulfillment and the realization of one's personal potential. The script mentions that a narcissist feels they are being prevented from self-actualizing by others, blaming them for their own lack of achievement, which reflects the narcissist's need for external validation and success.

💡Psychopathy

Psychopathy is a personality disorder characterized by persistent antisocial behavior, impaired empathy and remorse, and bold, disinhibited, and egotistical traits. The video suggests that a narcissist's behavior can closely resemble that of a psychopath, particularly in their manipulation, lack of empathy, and tendency to blame others.

Highlights

The narcissist does not perceive others or themselves as others do, and may not truly 'see' anyone at all.

Sam Vaknin, a psychologist and author, discusses the narcissist's perception of others and the concept of 'narcissistic abuse'.

Narcissists take a 'snapshot' of people upon first meeting and interact based on this idealized image, not the individual's true self.

Narcissists believe they are infallible and never wrong, often blaming external factors for any perceived changes in others.

The narcissist views themselves as separate and superior, often seeing others as extensions of themselves.

Narcissists may develop a 'hate-love' relationship with others, similar to how someone with a chronic illness might resent an organ causing them trouble.

Narcissists often convince themselves that they were right in their initial judgment of others, attributing any changes to external influences.

Blame-shifting is a common perception by narcissists, who see themselves as blameless and others as the source of problems.

Narcissists may view attempts at communication or advice as personal attacks or manipulations.

Narcissists often cast themselves as victims, using this narrative to manipulate and control others.

The narcissist's internal narrative involves rewriting history to always cast themselves in a positive light.

Narcissists may view any act of kindness or normal behavior as part of a larger, manipulative scheme against them.

Narcissists accuse others of guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail, believing they are being manipulated to change their behavior.

Narcissists may deny intimacy or become celibate as a means to transcend human weaknesses and assert their superiority.

The narcissist's perception of betrayal and the need to discard the 'enemy' is tied to their unresolved childhood issues.

Narcissists oscillate between needing a secure base and wanting to abandon or be abandoned by their perceived 'mother figure'.

Narcissists may accuse others of humiliating or shaming them, especially in front of peers, leading to intense hatred and desire for revenge.

The transcript emphasizes the complex and often toxic dynamics of relationships with narcissists, highlighting the need for understanding and caution.

Transcripts

it may come as a shock to you but the

narcissist doesn't see you the way you

see yourself

The Narcissist doesn't see himself

the way you see him and frankly it's

doubtful whether the narcity says anyone

at all

my name is samvachni I am the smiling

blue professor of psychology and the

author of The inestimable malignant

self-love narcissism Revisited the Bible

of the field and the book that coined

the phrase narcissistic abuse

today we're going to discuss the

narcissist's point of view how he

perceives you and the relationship are

you truly a significant other or maybe

just an insignificant other are you an

intimate partner is there intimacy and

is there a partnership in a relationship

with the narcissist but most importantly

what does he think about you secretly in

the inner recesses of his undisclosed

mind the occult areas of his demented

soul I know you like this you like to

think that narcissist is opposite by

demons

they're not possessed by demons they are

demons I'm kidding I'm just kidding

narcissists are flawed human beings with

lacking equipment nothing more nothing

less terrified traumatized kids who

throw temper tantrums encompassive other

people

is separate from them

and so let's delve striking straight in

when the narcissist sees you for the

first time he takes a snapshot of you he

internalizes a snapshot and he continues

to interact with the snapshot blah blah

blah you know these from previous videos

he also photoshops the snapshot a

process known as idealization by

idealizing you he can idealize himself

if you are perfect and he is in

possession of a perfect object you then

he is perfect or maybe even Uber

Perfection more perfect than even you

but then gradually life intervenes

reality intrudes you begin to deviate

and diverge from the idealized snapshot

which pieces The Narcissist off and then

he begins to change the way he sees you

the external object mind you the

internal object the interject your

representation in the narcissist's mind

the snapshot the Avatar that doesn't

change until very late in the

relationship but the way he perceives

you begins to change he cannot he cannot

really accept you as separate from him

you are an extension you're an organ but

it's like someone with a chronic illness

who is very angry at his heart or his

liver

or his lungs because they give him

trouble

so when you get when you get chronically

illing with your your kidneys for

example you may develop a hate love

relationship with your kidneys you may

resent your kidneys for giving you a

tough time same it's the same thing

that's not how the narcissist sees you

another arm another leg you're extremely

lucky another heart

The Narcissist first of all is likely to

convince himself

that he had judged you correctly when

you have met

he needs to preserve his grandiosity The

Narcissist never make makes mistakes and

losses he's never wrong the narcissist

is infallible it's inconceivable that he

has misjudged you for example so he is

telling him so he tells himself

I judge her correctly and appropriately

when I met her my perception of her was

right by Judgment of people is intact

nothing's wrong with me she has changed

she has changed

why has she changed well I don't know

the influence of paid friends her family

is poisoning her against me

um circumstances she is mentally ill or

she is physically uh ill the medication

she's taking

um exposure to left-wing radical ideas

in college what have you whatever the

reason may be

uh The Narcissist convinces himself that

you are being transformed that you are

in the process of metamorphosizing into

another another person

and so the gap between the snapshot and

you in reality the gap between your

introject your the internal object that

stands in for you

in the narcissist mind and you this Gap

grows not only because of what you are

doing

this Abyss opens up

also because of the internal Narrative

of the narcissist

and this narrative is about how you are

changing for the worse narcissists are

paranoid they have secretary delusions

they regard the word as a hostile Place

how to get them as Donald Trump

the second process that happens with the

narcissist is point of view is that you

constantly blame shift

he thinks you're guilty he thinks you've

done something wrong he thinks he is

immaculate and innocuous and innocent

you keep blaming him for things you keep

assigning to him responsibility and

guilt and accountability and he resents

this

thinks you're manipulating him he thinks

you're playing with his mind

he thinks that's a power play and a mind

game that you are that you have embarked

on

he is bewildered he's disoriented you

are his mother you're a mother figure

why are you doing this to him

and so whenever you disagree with the

narcissist or criticize something or

suggest something or prefer or suggest

give advice

The Narcissist or or even offer help the

narcissist perceives perceives this as

Shifting the blame

counter factually

the facts are in the narcissist's mind

that he is blameless

that he is Guiltless

that he doesn't deserve Anubis and that

what you're doing borders on malice

mind you everything The Narcissist

thinks about you everything he says

about you

may be true

even narcissists get it right from time

to time and because it may be true even

in principle it provokes in you profound

self-doubt you begin to ask yourself

maybe he's right maybe he has a point

maybe I'm the narcissist maybe I'm

misbehaving Maybe

I'm too onerous

ordinary

tough harsh strict

maybe I should change my ways this is

how the analysis is

molds you

makes you malleable

and mutable

The Narcissist presents himself at all

times as effective a victim of his

Superior is a victim of the state a

victim of circumstances is he was born

in the wrong period in history is and

and you of course swept in this tsunami

wave of self-imputed victimhood today

it's known as TIG it's a new personality

construct

and so

the narcissists casts himself as a

victim and he does this because it

affords him the high moral ground and

it's a tool of manipulation it's also an

integral part of his confabulation he

rewrites his history

he recomposes his narrative in a way

that casts him in the good in a good

light in all others in a bad light is

the angel or the others are demons he

has always been right they have always

been wrong he deserved much more they

got it he has been discriminated against

underappreciated in generally mistreated

that's the victim's thoughts and he sees

you as a victimizer this is you is an

abuser which makes communication with

the narcissist very difficult

because you don't have common ground and

you don't have a common language

even your most

innocuous acts even things you do which

are unrelated to the narcissists

are going to be are going to be fitted

into the victimhood narrative the

narcissist is going to hyper vigilantly

monitor you

supervise you spy on you follow you

around in order to gather incriminating

evidence everything you say and

everything you do can and will be used

against you in the narcissist Court you

have been warned Miranda

and so

this is the I am the victim thing and

you are my abuser

and he

also thinks that you guilt-trip him he

thinks that you are an emotional

blackmailer

that you actually

sacrifice in order to leverage your

sacrifice to make him behave in specific

ways he thinks that you love him

because you want something from him

it's not really love it's conditional

love it's manipulative love if it is

love at all he thinks you make him feel

guilty because by making him feel guilty

you can modify his behaviors and your

your goal oriented in his eyes you're

very very close to a psychopath

and that is regardless of how empathic

you are how caring how compassionate and

how loving

don't think you can by caring for the

narcissist and by sharing with the

narcissist you can somehow change his

mindset or state of mind you can't

because it's not about you

it's about an internal World populated

with avatars a paracosm an alternative

reality where the narcissist

writes scripts for movies he's a movie

director an actor a new just an actress

or a prop on his theater play stage

so

it's not about you

still The Narcissist perceives himself

as a victim who is being emotionally

manipulated and blackmailed via guilt

tripping he accuses you

when you when you disagree with the with

this assessment of of you he accuses you

of being

um of lacking self-awareness

you have no introspection he does you

can see yourself really either look at

yourself in the mirror you are totally

unaware of yourself you have no

self-awareness

you really need to get to Greeks with

who you are you really need to accept

how flawed and wrong and sometimes

malevolent you are

he is trying to convince you that

there's in you a grain of evil

many all those of you who miss her here

she is always by my side

and on my lips

so he tells you you're not self-aware

he also accuses you of being

self-destructive

of being hateful

you want to drag me down with you he

tells you

your habits are self-defeating I'm not

going to succumb to this I'm soaring

into the stratosphere I'm bigger than

this I'm cosmically significant I am

Divine I'm god-like you're not going to

drag me to the level of a common human

in extreme cases The Narcissist may deny

you sex

they become celibate because by denying

U6 he transcends the foibles and the

weaknesses of the human species he

becomes Uber Mensch he becomes a

Superman

so

it's important for him to sustain his

grandiosity

by casting you not only as an abuser but

as a toxic influence

someone who creates an Ambiance an

environment that reduces The Narcissist

to the lowest common denominator

narcissist is not human is the next

stage in evolution

and you're trying to transform him or

transmute him or transubstantiate him

back into human

you're trying to devolve him not evolve

him and he is not going to let you he's

not going to let you contaminate him and

infect him with your low-grade Humanity

the fact that you can't appreciate the

narcissist's

um amazing exceptionalism

the fact that you underestimate

um his Rarity his sui generis the fact

that you can't absorb or or or worship

him as the God that he is that just

proves that you are disloyal

you're disloyal

there is this cult there's this

narrative that you belong to and you are

betraying it there's a sense of betrayal

a bit traumatic

The Narcissist has been betrayed as a

child by his mother and here comes

Ripley a reenactment of his early

childhood betrayal actually he pushes

you to betray him and then when you look

for Alternatives he blames you for it

you're out to get me he tells you you're

just after my money you lie to me you

deceive me and you cheat on me with

others

you you entrapped me

I could have I could have I could have

been much further in my career in my

life I would have been much more

accomplished but because of you I'm

stuck here because of you I can't

self-actualize and realize my potential

you're a bad influence of me you're a

trap

you know in

in

Medieval Times They had this vagina

dentata

um vagina with with teeth women were

considered to be Predators actually

throughout the majority of human history

not men women were considered Predators

the Venus drop Venus trap yeah so

he has this misogyny he has this deeply

embedded hatred of women and by the way

everything I'm saying just flip the

genders

flip the gender pronouns and it still it

still works so if it's a woman female

narcissist a woman narcissist she hates

men she's a misandrist

so the choice of gender pronouns in this

presentation is arbitrary you can easily

flip between the genders it's equally

equally accurate with men and women

because there are no men and women left

today women are just men with vaginas

so

he accuses you of of trapping you

he accuses you of an elaborate scheme

to Shackle him imprison him prevent him

from realizing his huge potential and

from self-actualizing it's like Samson

and Delilah

you cut his locks hair locks

you never mean what you say he tells you

you are you are very devious

um you double speak

it's difficult to to tell the truth I

can't really make up what it is that

you're after I don't understand your

direction and goals you are not

mysterious

you are more like devious you're more

like cunning you're more like skimming

again this view of you is a psychopath

or a psychopath in the making he blames

you for gaslighting you it tells you you

are distorting reality and you are

impacting my ability

to judge reality properly

you CR you create an

um hallucinatory nightmarish world where

I'm totally disoriented dislocated

derealized depersonalized in amnesiac

it's your effect or your impact on me

that make me lose

makes me lose my reality testing when

I'm with you I feel

totally flat

totally empty sometimes as if I'm dead

or unreal

and so I need to get away from you

because you create this alternative

reality for me and you force me into it

and I know it's a lie I know it's not

true I know the world is not like this I

know I am not like this

everything you're telling me about

yourself is intended to deconstruct me

and reconstruct me in your image

he is projecting of course

this is projection that's precisely what

he's doing to you

and he says to you you hate me while I

love you self-sacrificially

I do everything for you

I did everything for you

I changed my life for you you were the

center of my world you were my world and

look how you're treating me now

why do you hate me

having loved you so

so in his mind he is casting you as a

persecutory object you're becoming

gradually the Enemy Number one two and

three he needs you to become the enemy

because he needs to discard you because

he needs to separate from the from his

original mother via you the substitute

mother I've explained this in previous

videos watch my interview with Richard

gravel about the fantasy lives of

narcissists and borderlines

so

he he is caught in this convoluted

Dynamics where on the one hand you're

you're the mother figure

and on the other hand he needs to hate

you and discard you in order to separate

from the mother figure and finally

become an adult individual

on the one hand it's very promising and

very alluring and so devaluing and

discarding you is an irresistible

proposition

on the other hand it's very terrifying

to abandon mother or to be abandoned by

her he needs a secure base a sense of

safety so he keeps coming back and forth

and that is the narcissist approach

avoidance hot and cold intermittent

reinforcement finally he accuses you of

humiliating you shaming him especially

in front of peers

mortifying him he begins to truly hate

you

he begins to truly hate you and plot

plot revenge in many cases that is at

the stage where you should bail out

because he is no longer with us he has

lost touch with reality he is immersed

in his internal murky Dynamics there's

nothing further you can do for him he is

gone

he's gone far away where you could never

reach