How Narcissist Sees YOU
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful script, psychology professor Sam Vaknin delves into the complex mind of a narcissist, exploring how they perceive themselves and others. He explains the initial idealization and subsequent devaluation of relationships, the narcissist's self-victimization, and their tendency to blame-shift, manipulate, and project their flaws onto others. Vaknin highlights the challenges of communicating with a narcissist, their paranoia, and the emotional turmoil they can cause, ultimately painting a picture of a disturbed internal world that is often out of touch with reality.
Takeaways
- π€ The narcissist perceives others and themselves differently from how others perceive them, often lacking a genuine understanding of others.
- πΈ Narcissists 'take a snapshot' of people when they first meet, idealizing them and then gradually changing their perception as reality diverges from this idealized image.
- π§ They struggle to accept others as separate entities, viewing them as extensions of themselves, similar to an organ or another limb.
- π’ Narcissists believe they are never wrong and will convince themselves that others have changed rather than admit to a misjudgment.
- π They often shift blame, seeing themselves as innocent and assigning guilt to others, especially in conflicts or disagreements.
- π€ They may view any criticism or advice as an attack on their character, interpreting it as an attempt to manipulate or control them.
- π Narcissists can cast themselves as victims, using this narrative to manipulate and maintain a sense of moral superiority.
- π« They may accuse others of emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, and conditional love, reflecting their own behaviors onto others.
- π«π« In extreme cases, narcissists may deny intimacy or become celibate, viewing it as a way to transcend human weaknesses and elevate themselves.
- πͺ They may accuse others of betrayal, viewing them as toxic influences that prevent the narcissist from realizing their full potential.
- π¬ Narcissists often project their own negative traits onto others, accusing them of the very behaviors they themselves exhibit.
Q & A
What does the term 'narcissistic abuse' refer to according to the speaker?
-The term 'narcissistic abuse' refers to the psychological manipulation and emotional mistreatment that a narcissist inflicts on others, as described in the speaker's book 'The Inestimable Malignant Self-Love Narcissism Revisited'.
How does the narcissist initially perceive the person they interact with?
-The narcissist initially perceives the person they interact with by taking a 'snapshot' of them, idealizing this image to reflect their own self-image and desires.
What is the process of 'idealization' as described in the script?
-Idealization is the process where a narcissist inflates the image of another person in their mind to an unrealistic standard, often to reflect positively on themselves. It's a way for the narcissist to feel superior by association with a 'perfect' object.
How does the narcissist's perception of the other person change over time?
-Over time, as the other person deviates from the idealized snapshot, the narcissist's perception changes, viewing them as flawed and separate from themselves, much like an organ that's causing trouble.
What does the speaker mean by the 'internal object' or 'introject' in the context of a narcissist's mind?
-The 'internal object' or 'introject' refers to the mental representation of the other person within the narcissist's mind, which doesn't change as rapidly as the narcissist's actual perception of the person.
Why does the narcissist believe they never make mistakes or are wrong?
-The narcissist believes they never make mistakes or are wrong to preserve their grandiosity and sense of infallibility, as admitting error would challenge their self-perceived perfection.
What is the 'blame shift' phenomenon as described by the speaker?
-The 'blame shift' phenomenon is when the narcissist perceives any disagreement, criticism, or advice from the other person as an attempt to shift blame onto them, which they resent and interpret as manipulation or a power play.
How does the narcissist view their own victimhood?
-The narcissist views themselves as a victim of circumstances, constantly blaming others for their issues, and using this perceived victimhood as a tool for manipulation and to maintain the moral high ground.
What does the speaker mean by 'TIG' in the context of the narcissist's behavior?
-TIG stands for 'Trauma-Induced Gaslighting', a new personality construct where the narcissist casts themselves as a victim of trauma, using it to manipulate and control interactions with others.
How does the narcissist justify their actions and behaviors?
-The narcissist justifies their actions and behaviors by rewriting their history and narrative to cast themselves in a positive light, always being right and others in the wrong, thus absolving themselves of any responsibility.
What is the significance of the narcissist's belief that they are being emotionally manipulated or blackmailed?
-The belief that they are being emotionally manipulated or blackmailed allows the narcissist to view themselves as a victim and the other person as an abuser, reinforcing their need for control and their distorted perception of reality.
Outlines
π The Narcissist's Perception of You and Reality
Sam Vaknin, a psychologist and author, discusses how a narcissist perceives others and themselves. Initially, they take a mental 'snapshot' of people, idealizing them to reflect their own self-image. However, as reality sets in and individuals deviate from this idealized image, the narcissist's perception changes. They struggle to accept others as separate entities, viewing them more like extensions of themselves. This leads to a 'hate-love' dynamic, similar to how a person with a chronic illness might resent an organ causing them trouble. The narcissist is also portrayed as someone who believes they are infallible, never wrong, and that any changes in others are due to external influences, not their own misjudgment.
π€ The Narcissist's Victim Narrative and Blame Shifting
This paragraph delves into the narcissist's tendency to perceive themselves as victims of their circumstances and others' actions. They are described as paranoid, believing the world is hostile and out to get them. The narcissist is prone to blame-shifting, seeing themselves as guiltless and others, including their partners, as the source of problems. This leads to a distorted reality where any attempt at communication or advice is perceived as an attack or manipulation. The narcissist's internal narrative is one of victimhood, where they are always right and others are wrong, which further complicates any form of relationship or interaction with them.
π‘ The Narcissist's Accusations and Projection of Flaws
The third paragraph focuses on the narcissist's tendency to accuse others of various negative traits and behaviors. They may claim that their partners are self-destructive, hateful, or manipulative, and that they are trying to 'drag them down.' The narcissist sees themselves as superior beings, not ordinary humans, and thus any attempt to relate to them on a human level is seen as an attack on their grandeur. They may even resort to extreme measures such as denying intimacy to assert their control and superiority. The paragraph also touches on the narcissist's projection of their own flaws onto others, accusing them of the very behaviors they themselves exhibit.
πΏ The Narcissist's Misogyny and Betrayal Complex
Here, the discussion turns to the narcissist's deep-seated hatred and mistrust, often specifically towards women, but the principles apply to both genders. The narcissist may view their partner as a predator, attempting to trap and control them, preventing them from reaching their full potential. They accuse their partners of deceit, betrayal, and of trying to change them into something they are not. This reflects a deep-seated fear of being controlled or losing their identity, which is tied to early childhood experiences of betrayal by their primary caregiver.
π The Narcissist's Internal Struggle and Need for Separation
The final paragraph describes the narcissist's internal struggle with their need to separate from their 'mother figure' and become an independent individual. This involves a complex dynamic of attraction and repulsion, where the narcissist both needs and resents their partner. They accuse their partner of creating an alternate reality that disorients and depersonalizes them, leading to a desire to escape. The narcissist's perception of their partner as an enemy is a crucial step in their process of separation, although it is fraught with conflict and emotional turmoil.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Narcissist
π‘Idealization
π‘Introject
π‘Grandiosity
π‘Blame Shift
π‘Victimhood
π‘Guilt Tripping
π‘Projection
π‘Dehumanizing
π‘Self-Actualization
π‘Psychopathy
Highlights
The narcissist does not perceive others or themselves as others do, and may not truly 'see' anyone at all.
Sam Vaknin, a psychologist and author, discusses the narcissist's perception of others and the concept of 'narcissistic abuse'.
Narcissists take a 'snapshot' of people upon first meeting and interact based on this idealized image, not the individual's true self.
Narcissists believe they are infallible and never wrong, often blaming external factors for any perceived changes in others.
The narcissist views themselves as separate and superior, often seeing others as extensions of themselves.
Narcissists may develop a 'hate-love' relationship with others, similar to how someone with a chronic illness might resent an organ causing them trouble.
Narcissists often convince themselves that they were right in their initial judgment of others, attributing any changes to external influences.
Blame-shifting is a common perception by narcissists, who see themselves as blameless and others as the source of problems.
Narcissists may view attempts at communication or advice as personal attacks or manipulations.
Narcissists often cast themselves as victims, using this narrative to manipulate and control others.
The narcissist's internal narrative involves rewriting history to always cast themselves in a positive light.
Narcissists may view any act of kindness or normal behavior as part of a larger, manipulative scheme against them.
Narcissists accuse others of guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail, believing they are being manipulated to change their behavior.
Narcissists may deny intimacy or become celibate as a means to transcend human weaknesses and assert their superiority.
The narcissist's perception of betrayal and the need to discard the 'enemy' is tied to their unresolved childhood issues.
Narcissists oscillate between needing a secure base and wanting to abandon or be abandoned by their perceived 'mother figure'.
Narcissists may accuse others of humiliating or shaming them, especially in front of peers, leading to intense hatred and desire for revenge.
The transcript emphasizes the complex and often toxic dynamics of relationships with narcissists, highlighting the need for understanding and caution.
Transcripts
it may come as a shock to you but the
narcissist doesn't see you the way you
see yourself
The Narcissist doesn't see himself
the way you see him and frankly it's
doubtful whether the narcity says anyone
at all
my name is samvachni I am the smiling
blue professor of psychology and the
author of The inestimable malignant
self-love narcissism Revisited the Bible
of the field and the book that coined
the phrase narcissistic abuse
today we're going to discuss the
narcissist's point of view how he
perceives you and the relationship are
you truly a significant other or maybe
just an insignificant other are you an
intimate partner is there intimacy and
is there a partnership in a relationship
with the narcissist but most importantly
what does he think about you secretly in
the inner recesses of his undisclosed
mind the occult areas of his demented
soul I know you like this you like to
think that narcissist is opposite by
demons
they're not possessed by demons they are
demons I'm kidding I'm just kidding
narcissists are flawed human beings with
lacking equipment nothing more nothing
less terrified traumatized kids who
throw temper tantrums encompassive other
people
is separate from them
and so let's delve striking straight in
when the narcissist sees you for the
first time he takes a snapshot of you he
internalizes a snapshot and he continues
to interact with the snapshot blah blah
blah you know these from previous videos
he also photoshops the snapshot a
process known as idealization by
idealizing you he can idealize himself
if you are perfect and he is in
possession of a perfect object you then
he is perfect or maybe even Uber
Perfection more perfect than even you
but then gradually life intervenes
reality intrudes you begin to deviate
and diverge from the idealized snapshot
which pieces The Narcissist off and then
he begins to change the way he sees you
the external object mind you the
internal object the interject your
representation in the narcissist's mind
the snapshot the Avatar that doesn't
change until very late in the
relationship but the way he perceives
you begins to change he cannot he cannot
really accept you as separate from him
you are an extension you're an organ but
it's like someone with a chronic illness
who is very angry at his heart or his
liver
or his lungs because they give him
trouble
so when you get when you get chronically
illing with your your kidneys for
example you may develop a hate love
relationship with your kidneys you may
resent your kidneys for giving you a
tough time same it's the same thing
that's not how the narcissist sees you
another arm another leg you're extremely
lucky another heart
The Narcissist first of all is likely to
convince himself
that he had judged you correctly when
you have met
he needs to preserve his grandiosity The
Narcissist never make makes mistakes and
losses he's never wrong the narcissist
is infallible it's inconceivable that he
has misjudged you for example so he is
telling him so he tells himself
I judge her correctly and appropriately
when I met her my perception of her was
right by Judgment of people is intact
nothing's wrong with me she has changed
she has changed
why has she changed well I don't know
the influence of paid friends her family
is poisoning her against me
um circumstances she is mentally ill or
she is physically uh ill the medication
she's taking
um exposure to left-wing radical ideas
in college what have you whatever the
reason may be
uh The Narcissist convinces himself that
you are being transformed that you are
in the process of metamorphosizing into
another another person
and so the gap between the snapshot and
you in reality the gap between your
introject your the internal object that
stands in for you
in the narcissist mind and you this Gap
grows not only because of what you are
doing
this Abyss opens up
also because of the internal Narrative
of the narcissist
and this narrative is about how you are
changing for the worse narcissists are
paranoid they have secretary delusions
they regard the word as a hostile Place
how to get them as Donald Trump
the second process that happens with the
narcissist is point of view is that you
constantly blame shift
he thinks you're guilty he thinks you've
done something wrong he thinks he is
immaculate and innocuous and innocent
you keep blaming him for things you keep
assigning to him responsibility and
guilt and accountability and he resents
this
thinks you're manipulating him he thinks
you're playing with his mind
he thinks that's a power play and a mind
game that you are that you have embarked
on
he is bewildered he's disoriented you
are his mother you're a mother figure
why are you doing this to him
and so whenever you disagree with the
narcissist or criticize something or
suggest something or prefer or suggest
give advice
The Narcissist or or even offer help the
narcissist perceives perceives this as
Shifting the blame
counter factually
the facts are in the narcissist's mind
that he is blameless
that he is Guiltless
that he doesn't deserve Anubis and that
what you're doing borders on malice
mind you everything The Narcissist
thinks about you everything he says
about you
may be true
even narcissists get it right from time
to time and because it may be true even
in principle it provokes in you profound
self-doubt you begin to ask yourself
maybe he's right maybe he has a point
maybe I'm the narcissist maybe I'm
misbehaving Maybe
I'm too onerous
ordinary
tough harsh strict
maybe I should change my ways this is
how the analysis is
molds you
makes you malleable
and mutable
The Narcissist presents himself at all
times as effective a victim of his
Superior is a victim of the state a
victim of circumstances is he was born
in the wrong period in history is and
and you of course swept in this tsunami
wave of self-imputed victimhood today
it's known as TIG it's a new personality
construct
and so
the narcissists casts himself as a
victim and he does this because it
affords him the high moral ground and
it's a tool of manipulation it's also an
integral part of his confabulation he
rewrites his history
he recomposes his narrative in a way
that casts him in the good in a good
light in all others in a bad light is
the angel or the others are demons he
has always been right they have always
been wrong he deserved much more they
got it he has been discriminated against
underappreciated in generally mistreated
that's the victim's thoughts and he sees
you as a victimizer this is you is an
abuser which makes communication with
the narcissist very difficult
because you don't have common ground and
you don't have a common language
even your most
innocuous acts even things you do which
are unrelated to the narcissists
are going to be are going to be fitted
into the victimhood narrative the
narcissist is going to hyper vigilantly
monitor you
supervise you spy on you follow you
around in order to gather incriminating
evidence everything you say and
everything you do can and will be used
against you in the narcissist Court you
have been warned Miranda
and so
this is the I am the victim thing and
you are my abuser
and he
also thinks that you guilt-trip him he
thinks that you are an emotional
blackmailer
that you actually
sacrifice in order to leverage your
sacrifice to make him behave in specific
ways he thinks that you love him
because you want something from him
it's not really love it's conditional
love it's manipulative love if it is
love at all he thinks you make him feel
guilty because by making him feel guilty
you can modify his behaviors and your
your goal oriented in his eyes you're
very very close to a psychopath
and that is regardless of how empathic
you are how caring how compassionate and
how loving
don't think you can by caring for the
narcissist and by sharing with the
narcissist you can somehow change his
mindset or state of mind you can't
because it's not about you
it's about an internal World populated
with avatars a paracosm an alternative
reality where the narcissist
writes scripts for movies he's a movie
director an actor a new just an actress
or a prop on his theater play stage
so
it's not about you
still The Narcissist perceives himself
as a victim who is being emotionally
manipulated and blackmailed via guilt
tripping he accuses you
when you when you disagree with the with
this assessment of of you he accuses you
of being
um of lacking self-awareness
you have no introspection he does you
can see yourself really either look at
yourself in the mirror you are totally
unaware of yourself you have no
self-awareness
you really need to get to Greeks with
who you are you really need to accept
how flawed and wrong and sometimes
malevolent you are
he is trying to convince you that
there's in you a grain of evil
many all those of you who miss her here
she is always by my side
and on my lips
so he tells you you're not self-aware
he also accuses you of being
self-destructive
of being hateful
you want to drag me down with you he
tells you
your habits are self-defeating I'm not
going to succumb to this I'm soaring
into the stratosphere I'm bigger than
this I'm cosmically significant I am
Divine I'm god-like you're not going to
drag me to the level of a common human
in extreme cases The Narcissist may deny
you sex
they become celibate because by denying
U6 he transcends the foibles and the
weaknesses of the human species he
becomes Uber Mensch he becomes a
Superman
so
it's important for him to sustain his
grandiosity
by casting you not only as an abuser but
as a toxic influence
someone who creates an Ambiance an
environment that reduces The Narcissist
to the lowest common denominator
narcissist is not human is the next
stage in evolution
and you're trying to transform him or
transmute him or transubstantiate him
back into human
you're trying to devolve him not evolve
him and he is not going to let you he's
not going to let you contaminate him and
infect him with your low-grade Humanity
the fact that you can't appreciate the
narcissist's
um amazing exceptionalism
the fact that you underestimate
um his Rarity his sui generis the fact
that you can't absorb or or or worship
him as the God that he is that just
proves that you are disloyal
you're disloyal
there is this cult there's this
narrative that you belong to and you are
betraying it there's a sense of betrayal
a bit traumatic
The Narcissist has been betrayed as a
child by his mother and here comes
Ripley a reenactment of his early
childhood betrayal actually he pushes
you to betray him and then when you look
for Alternatives he blames you for it
you're out to get me he tells you you're
just after my money you lie to me you
deceive me and you cheat on me with
others
you you entrapped me
I could have I could have I could have
been much further in my career in my
life I would have been much more
accomplished but because of you I'm
stuck here because of you I can't
self-actualize and realize my potential
you're a bad influence of me you're a
trap
you know in
in
Medieval Times They had this vagina
dentata
um vagina with with teeth women were
considered to be Predators actually
throughout the majority of human history
not men women were considered Predators
the Venus drop Venus trap yeah so
he has this misogyny he has this deeply
embedded hatred of women and by the way
everything I'm saying just flip the
genders
flip the gender pronouns and it still it
still works so if it's a woman female
narcissist a woman narcissist she hates
men she's a misandrist
so the choice of gender pronouns in this
presentation is arbitrary you can easily
flip between the genders it's equally
equally accurate with men and women
because there are no men and women left
today women are just men with vaginas
so
he accuses you of of trapping you
he accuses you of an elaborate scheme
to Shackle him imprison him prevent him
from realizing his huge potential and
from self-actualizing it's like Samson
and Delilah
you cut his locks hair locks
you never mean what you say he tells you
you are you are very devious
um you double speak
it's difficult to to tell the truth I
can't really make up what it is that
you're after I don't understand your
direction and goals you are not
mysterious
you are more like devious you're more
like cunning you're more like skimming
again this view of you is a psychopath
or a psychopath in the making he blames
you for gaslighting you it tells you you
are distorting reality and you are
impacting my ability
to judge reality properly
you CR you create an
um hallucinatory nightmarish world where
I'm totally disoriented dislocated
derealized depersonalized in amnesiac
it's your effect or your impact on me
that make me lose
makes me lose my reality testing when
I'm with you I feel
totally flat
totally empty sometimes as if I'm dead
or unreal
and so I need to get away from you
because you create this alternative
reality for me and you force me into it
and I know it's a lie I know it's not
true I know the world is not like this I
know I am not like this
everything you're telling me about
yourself is intended to deconstruct me
and reconstruct me in your image
he is projecting of course
this is projection that's precisely what
he's doing to you
and he says to you you hate me while I
love you self-sacrificially
I do everything for you
I did everything for you
I changed my life for you you were the
center of my world you were my world and
look how you're treating me now
why do you hate me
having loved you so
so in his mind he is casting you as a
persecutory object you're becoming
gradually the Enemy Number one two and
three he needs you to become the enemy
because he needs to discard you because
he needs to separate from the from his
original mother via you the substitute
mother I've explained this in previous
videos watch my interview with Richard
gravel about the fantasy lives of
narcissists and borderlines
so
he he is caught in this convoluted
Dynamics where on the one hand you're
you're the mother figure
and on the other hand he needs to hate
you and discard you in order to separate
from the mother figure and finally
become an adult individual
on the one hand it's very promising and
very alluring and so devaluing and
discarding you is an irresistible
proposition
on the other hand it's very terrifying
to abandon mother or to be abandoned by
her he needs a secure base a sense of
safety so he keeps coming back and forth
and that is the narcissist approach
avoidance hot and cold intermittent
reinforcement finally he accuses you of
humiliating you shaming him especially
in front of peers
mortifying him he begins to truly hate
you
he begins to truly hate you and plot
plot revenge in many cases that is at
the stage where you should bail out
because he is no longer with us he has
lost touch with reality he is immersed
in his internal murky Dynamics there's
nothing further you can do for him he is
gone
he's gone far away where you could never
reach
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