Connected, but alone? | Sherry Turkle

Summary

In this talk, the speaker reflects on the evolution of technology and its impact on human relationships and self-reflection. She shares personal anecdotes and research findings to highlight how mobile devices and social media have changed our ways of communication, making us more connected yet more isolated. She emphasizes the need for meaningful conversations, solitude, and self-awareness in a tech-driven world. The speaker calls for a balanced relationship with technology, advocating for reclaiming real-life interactions and fostering genuine connections to enhance our well-being and community bonds.

Takeaways

• 📲 The speaker is both a technology enthusiast and a critic, highlighting the paradox of loving texts while recognizing their potential downsides.
• 👧 A personal anecdote about the speaker's daughter Rebecca sets the stage for discussing the evolution of technology and its impact on human relationships.
• 📚 The speaker's first TED Talk in 1996 celebrated the internet's potential for enhancing real-world identity and life, while her 2012 talk expresses concern about technology's unintended consequences.
• 📱 Mobile devices have become so ingrained in daily life that they change not just behaviors but also who we are as individuals.
• 🤳 People are increasingly multitasking with technology during what were once considered undivided attention activities, such as meetings, classes, and even funerals.
• 🔍 The speaker's research indicates a shift in how people relate to each other and themselves, with technology enabling a new kind of 'alone together' experience.
• 🤖 There's a growing desire for control in relationships, with people preferring to connect at a distance and on their own terms, which can hinder the development of face-to-face skills.
• 📝 The convenience of digital communication allows for self-presentation editing, which can lead to a preference for connection over real conversation and a loss of self-reflection.
• 🧑‍🦳 The illusion of companionship provided by technology, like social networks and sociable robots, is appealing but can be deceptive and emotionally unsatisfying.
• 🤔 The speaker calls for reflection on the role of technology in our lives, advocating for a more self-aware relationship with devices, others, and ourselves.
• 🌐 The script concludes with an optimistic outlook, emphasizing the importance of human connection and the potential for technology to enhance, rather than replace, real-life experiences.

Q & A

What was the speaker's initial perspective on the internet and virtual communities in 1996?

The speaker was excited about the internet and virtual communities in 1996. She believed that what people learned about themselves in the virtual world could be used to improve their real-world lives.

How has the speaker's view on technology evolved since her first TED Talk?

The speaker's view on technology has shifted from excitement to concern. She now believes that technology is taking us to places we don't want to go and that it's changing who we are, not just what we do.

What is the 'Goldilocks effect' mentioned in the script?

The 'Goldilocks effect' refers to people's desire to have others at a distance they can control, neither too close nor too far, just right, reflecting the need for control over where they put their attention.

Why does the speaker find the use of technology during certain activities, like board meetings or funerals, concerning?

The speaker is concerned because these activities are being interrupted by technology, which changes how we relate to each other and ourselves, and affects our capacity for self-reflection.

What does the speaker mean by 'we're setting ourselves up for trouble' in the context of technology use?

The speaker implies that our reliance on technology for connection and distraction is causing issues in our relationships and self-reflection, potentially leading to isolation and a lack of genuine human interaction.

What is the speaker's view on the impact of texting and emailing on face-to-face relationships, especially among adolescents?

The speaker believes that the reliance on texting and emailing can hinder the development of face-to-face relationships, which are crucial for adolescents, as they prefer controlled interactions over real conversations.

What does the speaker suggest is the appeal of technology in our lives?

The speaker suggests that technology appeals to us where we are most vulnerable, offering illusions of companionship without the demands of friendship, and fulfilling our desires to be heard and not to be alone.

How does the speaker describe the shift in human relationships due to technology?

The speaker describes a shift from rich, messy, and demanding human relationships to cleaner, more controlled interactions through technology, where people can edit and present themselves as they wish.

What is the 'I share therefore I am' concept mentioned by the speaker?

'I share therefore I am' refers to the new way of defining ourselves through sharing thoughts and feelings on technology platforms, implying that our sense of self is now tied to our online presence and interactions.

What is the speaker's suggestion for a healthier relationship with technology?

The speaker suggests developing a more self-aware relationship with technology, valuing solitude, reclaiming spaces for real conversation, and truly listening to each other, including the less exciting parts of communication.

What does the speaker call for at the end of the script?

The speaker calls for reflection and a conversation about the impact of technology on our lives, urging us to reconsider how we use it and to focus on how it can lead us back to real-life connections and communities.

Outlines

00:00

😀 Embracing the Paradox of Technology

The speaker reflects on a personal text from her daughter, which leads into her story beginning in 1996. She discusses her excitement about the internet's early days, her optimism about using virtual experiences to improve real life, and how fast-forwarding to 2012, technology has profoundly changed human behavior. The speaker argues that while these devices are powerful tools, they are altering our identity and how we interact with each other, often detracting from meaningful personal connections.

05:01

😟 The Goldilocks Effect and Its Impact

The speaker describes how people, across generations, prefer controlled connections over spontaneous interactions, leading to a phenomenon she calls the 'Goldilocks effect'—seeking connections that are 'just right.' She illustrates this with examples from business and everyday life, emphasizing the challenges it poses for developing genuine relationships, especially for adolescents who are losing the ability to engage in real conversations.

10:02

🤖 The Allure and Danger of Sociable Robots

The speaker delves into the development of sociable robots designed to provide companionship. She shares a poignant story from her research in nursing homes where a woman found comfort in a robot baby seal. This scenario raises concerns about the authenticity of such interactions and the broader implications of relying on technology for empathy and companionship, highlighting a growing expectation for technology to fill emotional voids.

15:04

🏠 Rediscovering Solitude and Real Connection

The speaker stresses the importance of solitude for self-reflection and authentic connection with others. She warns that constant connectivity fosters a fragile sense of self that depends on others for validation. She urges the audience to cultivate spaces for solitude and meaningful conversation, both at home and work, to counter the superficiality encouraged by technology.

Keywords

💡Technology

Technology refers to the tools and devices, especially digital ones, that we use in our daily lives. In the video, it highlights both the positive and negative impacts of technology on human interaction, such as how mobile phones and social networks have changed the way we communicate and form relationships. The speaker discusses the dual nature of technology: its potential to enhance life and its risk of isolating us.

💡Self-reflection

Self-reflection is the process of introspection and examining one's thoughts and feelings. The video emphasizes its importance in personal growth and the development of deep, meaningful relationships. The speaker points out that constant connectivity through devices can hinder our ability to self-reflect, as it keeps us perpetually distracted.

💡Solitude

Solitude is the state of being alone without feeling lonely. It is presented in the video as a necessary condition for self-discovery and personal growth. The speaker argues that the fear of being alone drives people to overuse technology, thereby reducing their capacity to experience solitude and the benefits it brings.

💡Conversation

Conversation is the interactive communication between people. In the video, it is contrasted with mere connection through texts and emails. The speaker stresses that real-time, face-to-face conversation is crucial for understanding each other and building strong relationships, which are compromised by the superficiality of digital communication.

💡Goldilocks effect

The Goldilocks effect describes the desire to have things 'just right'—not too close, not too far. In the context of the video, it refers to people's preference for controlled communication through technology, allowing them to manage their interactions without the unpredictability of real-life conversations. This effect leads to a superficial sense of connection.

💡Virtual communities

Virtual communities are online spaces where people interact and form connections. The speaker reflects on the early days of the internet when virtual communities were seen as a way to explore different aspects of identity. However, she now sees them as contributing to a decline in face-to-face interactions and deep personal connections.

💡Companionship

Companionship is the feeling of fellowship or friendship. The video discusses how people increasingly seek companionship from technology, such as sociable robots, rather than from human relationships. This trend reflects a deeper issue of loneliness and the desire for control over social interactions.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. The speaker illustrates a poignant example where a sociable robot provides pretend empathy to an elderly woman, highlighting the limitations of technology in offering true emotional support and the potential risks of relying on machines for companionship.

💡Control

Control in the video refers to the desire to manage one's environment and interactions. The speaker argues that technology gives people the illusion of control over their communications and relationships, which can lead to a preference for digital interaction over spontaneous, real-life connections, ultimately fostering a sense of isolation.

💡Human connection

Human connection is the bond between people that allows them to understand and support each other. The video suggests that while technology offers new ways to connect, it often lacks the depth and authenticity of face-to-face interactions. The speaker advocates for more meaningful human connections, urging a balance between digital and real-life engagements.

Highlights

A mother receives a supportive text from her daughter, Rebecca, which she describes as like getting a hug.

The speaker embodies a central paradox: she loves receiving texts but also acknowledges they can be problematic.

In 1996, the speaker was excited about the internet's potential to enhance real-world life, but by 2012 she expresses concerns about technology's impact on our lives.

Mobile communication technologies have changed not just what we do but who we are as individuals.

People engage in texting and online activities during important events like board meetings and classes, indicating a shift in behavior norms.

The development of skills like making eye contact while texting reflects an adaptation to technology's presence in social interactions.

Children complain about a lack of parental attention due to parents' engagement with technology during family time.

A photo of Rebecca and her friends illustrates the concept of 'being together while not being together' due to technology's interference.

The speaker discusses the phenomenon of people turning to their phones even during emotionally charged moments like funerals.

The reliance on technology affects our relationships and our capacity for self-reflection, leading to a new way of being 'alone together'.

People desire control over their attention and the ability to be present in multiple places at once, reflecting a shift in how we understand presence.

The 'Goldilocks effect' is introduced as the desire for relationships that are not too close and not too distant, but just right.

Adolescents are struggling to develop face-to-face relationships due to an over-reliance on technology for communication.

Technology allows us to present an edited version of ourselves, which can come at the expense of authentic human connection.

The speaker argues that constant connection can lead to isolation if we don't learn to be comfortable with solitude.

The idea of 'I share, therefore I am' is becoming a new way of defining ourselves through our online presence and sharing.

The speaker calls for reflection and conversation about the cost of our current use of technology and its impact on our lives.

She suggests steps to cultivate a healthier relationship with technology, including valuing solitude and reclaiming spaces for real conversation.

The speaker concludes with optimism, emphasizing the importance of listening to each other and recognizing our vulnerability in the face of technology's promises.

Transcripts

Just a moment ago,

my daughter Rebecca texted me for good luck.

Her text said,

"Mom, you will rock."

I love this.

Getting that text

was like getting a hug.

And so there you have it.

I embody

the central paradox.

I'm a woman

who loves getting texts

who's going to tell you

that too many of them can be a problem.

Actually that reminder of my daughter

brings me to the beginning of my story.

1996, when I gave my first TEDTalk,

Rebecca was five years old

and she was sitting right there

in the front row.

I had just written a book

that celebrated our life on the internet

and I was about to be on the cover

of Wired magazine.

In those heady days,

we were experimenting

with chat rooms and online virtual communities.

We were exploring different aspects of ourselves.

And then we unplugged.

I was excited.

And, as a psychologist, what excited me most

was the idea

that we would use what we learned in the virtual world

about ourselves, about our identity,

to live better lives in the real world.

Now fast-forward to 2012.

I'm back here on the TED stage again.

My daughter's 20. She's a college student.

She sleeps with her cellphone,

so do I.

And I've just written a new book,

but this time it's not one

that will get me on the cover

of Wired magazine.

So what happened?

I'm still excited by technology,

but I believe,

and I'm here to make the case,

that we're letting it take us places

that we don't want to go.

Over the past 15 years,

I've studied technologies of mobile communication

and I've interviewed hundreds and hundreds of people,

young and old,

about their plugged in lives.

And what I've found

is that our little devices,

those little devices in our pockets,

are so psychologically powerful

that they don't only change what we do,

they change who we are.

Some of the things we do now with our devices

are things that, only a few years ago,

we would have found odd

or disturbing,

but they've quickly come to seem familiar,

just how we do things.

So just to take some quick examples:

People text or do email

during corporate board meetings.

They text and shop and go on Facebook

during classes, during presentations,

actually during all meetings.

People talk to me about the important new skill

of making eye contact

while you're texting.

(Laughter)

People explain to me

that it's hard, but that it can be done.

Parents text and do email

at breakfast and at dinner

while their children complain

about not having their parents' full attention.

But then these same children

deny each other their full attention.

This is a recent shot

of my daughter and her friends

being together

while not being together.

And we even text at funerals.

I study this.

We remove ourselves

from our grief or from our revery

and we go into our phones.

Why does this matter?

It matters to me

because I think we're setting ourselves up for trouble --

trouble certainly

in how we relate to each other,

but also trouble

in how we relate to ourselves

and our capacity for self-reflection.

We're getting used to a new way

of being alone together.

People want to be with each other,

but also elsewhere --

connected to all the different places they want to be.

People want to customize their lives.

They want to go in and out of all the places they are

because the thing that matters most to them

is control over where they put their attention.

So you want to go to that board meeting,

but you only want to pay attention

to the bits that interest you.

And some people think that's a good thing.

But you can end up

hiding from each other,

even as we're all constantly connected to each other.

A 50-year-old business man

lamented to me

that he feels he doesn't have colleagues anymore at work.

When he goes to work, he doesn't stop by to talk to anybody,

he doesn't call.

And he says he doesn't want to interrupt his colleagues

because, he says, "They're too busy on their email."

But then he stops himself

and he says, "You know, I'm not telling you the truth.

I'm the one who doesn't want to be interrupted.

I think I should want to,

but actually I'd rather just do things on my Blackberry."

Across the generations,

I see that people can't get enough of each other,

if and only if

they can have each other at a distance,

in amounts they can control.

I call it the Goldilocks effect:

not too close, not too far,

just right.

But what might feel just right

for that middle-aged executive

can be a problem for an adolescent

who needs to develop face-to-face relationships.

An 18-year-old boy

who uses texting for almost everything

says to me wistfully,

"Someday, someday,

but certainly not now,

I'd like to learn how to have a conversation."

When I ask people

"What's wrong with having a conversation?"

People say, "I'll tell you what's wrong with having a conversation.

It takes place in real time

and you can't control what you're going to say."

So that's the bottom line.

Texting, email, posting,

all of these things

let us present the self as we want to be.

We get to edit,

and that means we get to delete,

and that means we get to retouch,

the face, the voice,

the flesh, the body --

not too little, not too much,

just right.

Human relationships

are rich and they're messy

and they're demanding.

And we clean them up with technology.

And when we do,

one of the things that can happen

is that we sacrifice conversation

for mere connection.

We short-change ourselves.

And over time,

we seem to forget this,

or we seem to stop caring.

I was caught off guard

when Stephen Colbert

asked me a profound question,

a profound question.

He said, "Don't all those little tweets,

don't all those little sips

of online communication,

add up to one big gulp

of real conversation?"

My answer was no,

they don't add up.

Connecting in sips may work

for gathering discrete bits of information,

they may work for saying, "I'm thinking about you,"

or even for saying, "I love you," --

I mean, look at how I felt

when I got that text from my daughter --

but they don't really work

for learning about each other,

for really coming to know and understand each other.

And we use conversations with each other

to learn how to have conversations

with ourselves.

So a flight from conversation

can really matter

because it can compromise

our capacity for self-reflection.

For kids growing up,

that skill is the bedrock of development.

Over and over I hear,

"I would rather text than talk."

And what I'm seeing

is that people get so used to being short-changed

out of real conversation,

so used to getting by with less,

that they've become almost willing

to dispense with people altogether.

So for example,

many people share with me this wish,

that some day a more advanced version of Siri,

the digital assistant on Apple's iPhone,

will be more like a best friend,

someone who will listen

when others won't.

I believe this wish

reflects a painful truth

that I've learned in the past 15 years.

That feeling that no one is listening to me

is very important

in our relationships with technology.

That's why it's so appealing

to have a Facebook page

or a Twitter feed --

so many automatic listeners.

And the feeling that no one is listening to me

make us want to spend time

with machines that seem to care about us.

We're developing robots,

they call them sociable robots,

that are specifically designed to be companions --

to the elderly,

to our children,

to us.

Have we so lost confidence

that we will be there for each other?

During my research

I worked in nursing homes,

and I brought in these sociable robots

that were designed to give the elderly

the feeling that they were understood.

And one day I came in

and a woman who had lost a child

was talking to a robot

in the shape of a baby seal.

It seemed to be looking in her eyes.

It seemed to be following the conversation.

It comforted her.

And many people found this amazing.

But that woman was trying to make sense of her life

with a machine that had no experience

of the arc of a human life.

That robot put on a great show.

And we're vulnerable.

People experience pretend empathy

as though it were the real thing.

So during that moment

when that woman

was experiencing that pretend empathy,

I was thinking, "That robot can't empathize.

It doesn't face death.

It doesn't know life."

And as that woman took comfort

in her robot companion,

I didn't find it amazing;

I found it one of the most wrenching, complicated moments

in my 15 years of work.

But when I stepped back,

I felt myself

at the cold, hard center

of a perfect storm.

We expect more from technology

and less from each other.

And I ask myself,

"Why have things come to this?"

And I believe it's because

technology appeals to us most

where we are most vulnerable.

And we are vulnerable.

We're lonely,

but we're afraid of intimacy.

And so from social networks to sociable robots,

we're designing technologies

that will give us the illusion of companionship

without the demands of friendship.

We turn to technology to help us feel connected

in ways we can comfortably control.

But we're not so comfortable.

We are not so much in control.

These days, those phones in our pockets

are changing our minds and hearts

because they offer us

three gratifying fantasies.

One, that we can put our attention

wherever we want it to be;

two, that we will always be heard;

and three, that we will never have to be alone.

And that third idea,

that we will never have to be alone,

is central to changing our psyches.

Because the moment that people are alone,

even for a few seconds,

they become anxious, they panic, they fidget,

they reach for a device.

Just think of people at a checkout line

or at a red light.

Being alone feels like a problem that needs to be solved.

And so people try to solve it by connecting.

But here, connection

is more like a symptom than a cure.

It expresses, but it doesn't solve,

an underlying problem.

But more than a symptom,

constant connection is changing

the way people think of themselves.

It's shaping a new way of being.

The best way to describe it is,

I share therefore I am.

We use technology to define ourselves

by sharing our thoughts and feelings

even as we're having them.

So before it was:

I have a feeling,

I want to make a call.

Now it's: I want to have a feeling,

I need to send a text.

The problem with this new regime

of "I share therefore I am"

is that, if we don't have connection,

we don't feel like ourselves.

We almost don't feel ourselves.

So what do we do? We connect more and more.

But in the process,

we set ourselves up to be isolated.

How do you get from connection to isolation?

You end up isolated

if you don't cultivate the capacity for solitude,

the ability to be separate,

to gather yourself.

Solitude is where you find yourself

so that you can reach out to other people

and form real attachments.

When we don't have the capacity for solitude,

we turn to other people in order to feel less anxious

or in order to feel alive.

When this happens,

we're not able to appreciate who they are.

It's as though we're using them

as spare parts

to support our fragile sense of self.

We slip into thinking that always being connected

is going to make us feel less alone.

But we're at risk,

because actually it's the opposite that's true.

If we're not able to be alone,

we're going to be more lonely.

And if we don't teach our children to be alone,

they're only going to know

how to be lonely.

When I spoke at TED in 1996,

reporting on my studies

of the early virtual communities,

I said, "Those who make the most

of their lives on the screen

come to it in a spirit of self-reflection."

And that's what I'm calling for here, now:

reflection and, more than that, a conversation

about where our current use of technology

may be taking us,

what it might be costing us.

We're smitten with technology.

And we're afraid, like young lovers,

that too much talking might spoil the romance.

But it's time to talk.

We grew up with digital technology

and so we see it as all grown up.

But it's not, it's early days.

There's plenty of time

for us to reconsider how we use it,

how we build it.

I'm not suggesting

that we turn away from our devices,

just that we develop a more self-aware relationship

with them, with each other

and with ourselves.

I see some first steps.

Start thinking of solitude

as a good thing.

Make room for it.

Find ways to demonstrate this

as a value to your children.

Create sacred spaces at home --

the kitchen, the dining room --

and reclaim them for conversation.

Do the same thing at work.

At work, we're so busy communicating

that we often don't have time to think,

we don't have time to talk,

about the things that really matter.

Change that.

Most important, we all really need to listen to each other,

including to the boring bits.

Because it's when we stumble

or hesitate or lose our words

that we reveal ourselves to each other.

Technology is making a bid

to redefine human connection --

how we care for each other,

how we care for ourselves --

but it's also giving us the opportunity

to affirm our values

and our direction.

I'm optimistic.

We have everything we need to start.

We have each other.

And we have the greatest chance of success

if we recognize our vulnerability.

That we listen

when technology says

it will take something complicated

and promises something simpler.

So in my work,

I hear that life is hard,

relationships are filled with risk.

And then there's technology --

simpler, hopeful,

optimistic, ever-young.

It's like calling in the cavalry.

An ad campaign promises

that online and with avatars,

you can "Finally, love your friends

love your body, love your life,

online and with avatars."

We're drawn to virtual romance,

to computer games that seem like worlds,

to the idea that robots, robots,

will someday be our true companions.

We spend an evening on the social network

instead of going to the pub with friends.

But our fantasies of substitution

have cost us.

Now we all need to focus

on the many, many ways

technology can lead us back

to our real lives, our own bodies,

our own communities,

our own politics,

our own planet.

They need us.

Let's talk about

how we can use digital technology,

the technology of our dreams,

to make this life

the life we can love.

Thank you.

(Applause)