Growing old: The unbearable lightness of ageing | Jane Caro | TEDxSouthBank

Summary

The speaker embraces aging, highlighting the benefits of growing older. She discusses physical changes, newfound freedom from societal pressures, and the liberation from concerns like menstruation and pregnancy. Emphasizing the joys of no longer being scrutinized by the male gaze, she celebrates her independence and confidence. Aging, she argues, allows women to focus on their own lives, shedding superficial concerns about appearance. She encourages women to appreciate this unique stage of life, emphasizing that growing old is a privilege and an opportunity for self-discovery.

Takeaways

• 😀 Growing old brings unexpected gifts and relief from past physical discomforts.
• 😌 Breast discomfort experienced by women lessens significantly after menopause.
• 🚫 The absence of menstruation provides significant mental relief and convenience.
• 😅 No longer needing to worry about contraception and pregnancy is liberating.
• 👀 Freedom from being sexualized allows for greater self-acceptance and authenticity.
• 😃 Embracing one's age leads to a more genuine and fulfilling life experience.
• 💰 Women over 50 control significant financial power, reshaping their visibility and influence.
• 👩‍👧‍👦 Motherhood is valuable, but there's joy in moving beyond its demanding phases.
• 💪 Aging offers freedom from societal pressures to maintain youth and physical appearance.
• 🕰️ Getting older sharpens focus on the limited time left, energizing and motivating.
• 🔄 Men find aging challenging as they lose status, whereas women, already used to societal disregard, adapt more easily.
• 👩‍⚕️ The human female's ability to live long beyond reproductive years is unique and should be celebrated.
• 🕵️‍♀️ Feminism and aging both emphasize putting oneself at the center of one's life.
• 🎭 The loss of youth's cosmetic appeal uncovers a deeper, more authentic self.
• 💡 Aging should be viewed as a privilege and a time to fully embrace one's true self.

Q & A

What is the speaker's perspective on aging?

The speaker views aging as a natural and valuable stage of life, bringing unexpected gifts and freedom from earlier life concerns.

How does the speaker feel about being called middle-aged?

The speaker rejects being called middle-aged, stating that they are growing old and are past middle age.

What unexpected benefit of menopause does the speaker mention?

The speaker mentions that after menopause, the pain and discomfort associated with breasts and menstruation cease, which is a significant relief.

How does the speaker describe the experience of menstruation and its impact on women's lives?

The speaker describes menstruation as a recurring inconvenience that requires constant management, which occupies significant mental space.

What is the speaker's attitude toward physical appearance and cosmetic surgery?

The speaker is against cosmetic surgery and values looking real and natural, believing that the loss of physical beauty allows for the appreciation of other qualities.

How does the speaker perceive the social expectations placed on women regarding aging?

The speaker criticizes societal expectations for women to fight aging through cosmetic means, advocating instead for embracing one's age and the wisdom that comes with it.

What point does the speaker make about the visibility and power of older women?

The speaker notes that older women in the West control significant economic power and are more visible and active than in the past.

How does the speaker compare the experience of aging between men and women?

The speaker suggests that aging might be harder for men because they lose status and power, whereas women are already accustomed to being less visible and thus find aging easier to handle.

What evolutionary uniqueness does the speaker highlight about human females?

The speaker highlights that human females can live decades beyond their reproductive capacity, which is unique in the evolutionary history.

What final message does the speaker convey about the importance of living in the present?

The speaker emphasizes the importance of appreciating the present moment and considering aging as a privilege, dedicating the talk to a friend who recently passed away.

Outlines

00:00

😊 Embracing the Gifts of Aging

The speaker reflects on aging, emphasizing that getting older brings unexpected gifts despite societal views. They discuss physical changes, like relief from breast pain post-menopause, and the mental freedom from no longer worrying about menstruation. The speaker expresses gratitude for these changes and highlights the liberation that comes with them.

05:02

🙅‍♀️ Rejecting Societal Expectations

The speaker addresses the pressure women face regarding their appearance and societal expectations. They recount a story about resisting the male gaze and assert the joy of not caring about others' opinions anymore. The speaker embraces their aging body, valuing comfort and authenticity over societal standards of beauty.

10:02

🌟 Finding Beauty Beyond Physical Appearance

The speaker criticizes the pursuit of eternal youth through cosmetic surgery, arguing that it detracts from appreciating one's natural aging process. They emphasize the importance of accepting and valuing one's real self over artificial appearances. Aging, they argue, teaches valuable lessons about life and helps one focus on inner beauty and self-worth.

15:02

👵 The Privilege of Growing Old

The speaker celebrates the unique human capacity to live decades beyond reproductive age, a trait not found in other species. They stress that aging should be seen as a privilege and an opportunity for self-discovery and self-empowerment. The speaker encourages embracing this stage of life, prioritizing personal fulfillment, and living authentically.

Keywords

💡Aging

Aging refers to the process of growing older and experiencing the physical and mental changes that come with it. In the video, the speaker embraces aging and highlights the positive aspects and unexpected gifts it brings, challenging the negative societal perceptions often associated with getting older.

💡Menopause

Menopause is the stage in a woman's life when menstrual periods permanently stop, signifying the end of her reproductive years. The speaker discusses the relief from physical discomforts, such as breast pain and menstrual cycles, that menopause brings, portraying it as a liberating experience.

💡Liberation

Liberation in this context refers to the sense of freedom and relief from societal and physical constraints experienced by the speaker as she ages. She describes how menopause, the end of worrying about periods, and not caring about others' opinions contribute to her sense of liberation.

💡Physical discomfort

Physical discomfort includes the various pains and inconveniences associated with different stages of a woman's life, such as breast pain, menstrual cramps, and pregnancy-related discomforts. The speaker highlights the reduction of these discomforts as a significant positive aspect of aging.

💡Societal expectations

Societal expectations refer to the pressures and norms imposed by society on individuals, particularly women, regarding appearance, behavior, and roles. The speaker critiques these expectations, especially those related to maintaining a youthful appearance and the stigma around aging.

💡Feminism

Feminism is the advocacy of women's rights on the basis of equality of the sexes. The speaker connects aging with feminist ideals, emphasizing that getting older allows women to prioritize themselves and their own lives, free from the pressures of conforming to societal standards.

💡Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance involves embracing one's true self, including physical appearance and life experiences. The speaker expresses a strong sense of self-acceptance as she ages, valuing her authentic self over societal expectations and superficial standards of beauty.

💡Cosmetic surgery

Cosmetic surgery refers to medical procedures aimed at enhancing or altering one's appearance. The speaker criticizes the pursuit of cosmetic surgery to maintain a youthful look, arguing that it often results in an unnatural appearance and reflects insecurity rather than self-acceptance.

💡Physical beauty

Physical beauty pertains to the aesthetic appeal of one's physical appearance. The speaker argues that the loss of physical beauty with age helps individuals appreciate and cultivate other forms of beauty, such as wisdom, character, and authenticity.

💡Wisdom

Wisdom is the ability to make sound judgments and decisions based on knowledge and experiences. The speaker values the wisdom gained through aging, suggesting that it compensates for the loss of physical beauty and enhances the quality of life in later years.

Highlights

Growing old brings unexpected gifts, challenging the notion that aging is solely about decline.

Freedom from physical pain related to breasts after menopause is a significant relief for many women.

The absence of menstruation after menopause liberates women from the monthly hassle and associated worries.

The end of fertility removes the anxiety of unplanned pregnancies and the pressure of conception.

Aging offers freedom from both male and female gazes, allowing women to feel more comfortable and authentic.

Women over 50 control significant financial power, making them an influential market.

Aging is a time for self-indulgence and self-spoiling, especially when children are financially independent.

The societal expectation to fight aging through cosmetic surgery is questioned and rejected.

Aging allows women to discover and embrace other forms of beauty beyond physical appearance.

Men struggle with aging more than women because they are not used to losing status and relevance.

The human female's ability to live decades beyond reproductive age is unique and should be celebrated.

Feminism aligns with the aging process by encouraging women to put themselves at the center of their own lives.

Aging is presented as a privilege and an opportunity to be one's true self.

It's important to focus on the present moment and appreciate the chance to grow old.

Aging allows women to shed societal pressures and cosmetic facades, revealing their true selves.

Transcripts

I am growing old not older we're all

doing that from the moment we are born I

am growing old I am entering my third

age do not patronize me by calling me

middle-aged I've given you my age I am

highly unlikely actually I haven't yet I

didn't click the click up yes there are

different downsides to aging um

I am NOT going to live to be a hundred

and fifteen so I am growing old I am

past middle age I'm Way past middle age

so what I have found that getting older

like every other stage in my life

brings with it gifts things I hadn't

expected that are just fantastic

here is the first

let me tell you if you are the

unfortunate possessor a pair of tits

they hurt for most of your life from

your age of 10 when you first start

start getting breaths am i right

ladies in the audience there's that

agony when you first hit your poor

little nipples on the desk at school and

you think what the hell is going on well

it gets worse then they heard for most

of puberty as they get to their natural

or unnatural size then usually mama and

unnatural size given my height was a bit

weird and then you've got the

premenstrual changes that happen every

goddamn month for about two weeks of

every month you understand why female

joggers with tits to a look at this

pregnancy they just hurt and hurt and

hurt and hurt and breastfeeding they

hurt particularly when babies get teeth

all of the time they hurt until

menopause and then magically you can go

over the biggest potholes in a really

badly sprung car without wincing always

this was something I didn't know what

happened and I am so incredibly grateful

for I am also incredibly grateful for

this

on what level could this be seen as any

kind of a disadvantage have you any idea

how much headspace it clears up not to

have to worry about your goddamn period

every month every 28 days I mean you

just take it in your stride women are

incredible you most the time nobody else

knows you've got the damn thing except

when you do that thing of having the

funny hand when you walk to the toilet

no funny hand no asking your girlfriend

am i looking can you see anything is

that alright white trousers every day

the week every other man liberation has

get much more liberating than white

trousers everyday them are I can't get

pregnant Oh

for most of my sexually active life and

thank you Bella does still continue um

but most of my sexually active life when

I was fertile and got periods I spent

most of my time worrying about getting

pregnant then for about five years I

spent most of my time worrying about not

getting pregnant because I wanted to get

pregnant it is so ridiculous when I

didn't want to get pregnant it felt

incredibly easy to do when I did want to

get pregnant nothing seemed harder and

the fear about contraception failing

because this myth that it doesn't is a

myth is white-knuckle I don't believe

there's a woman in the audience that

hasn't gone to the toilet when her

period was due and looked desperately in

the bowl for the tell-tale mark that

said she got away with it again I am

free of the male guys

sorry guys I know you thought that

looking at my tits was the biggest

compliment you could pay me but actually

I never ever wanted to I was tempted

occasionally to do this I'm up here and

it wasn't very high up given how tall I

am

ah but know that their gaze stayed

there's a lovely story by Dale spender

one of the Australia's greatest

feminists there was a meeting she'd go

to and there was a man who said opposite

to her in this meeting was a regular

meeting and he'd always stare at her

tits as he talked to her in one day she

just he asked her question and she just

refused to answer said nothing and he

repeated the question and she went wake

up wake up he's talking to you now

people listen to what I have to say what

is wrong with that nothing it's

fantastic I am free of the female gaze I

don't care what you think about me

anymore as my skin has become saggy

Bhagya stretched a bit in unfortunate

places but I don't care what you think

of me remember I have grown more

comfortable in it I am much more able to

be myself than I ever was when I was in

that awful competitive thing where you

look at everybody in the room and you

think I pretty in her or not quite as

pretty or am i ugly

am I the fattest woman in the room

that's always the worst question to ask

yourself now I often am so what I'll

have another another serve of anything

fattening and I'm a glass of wine going

pass thanks I'll take that one because

who cares no one's looking at me anymore

so I can be 100% myself how wonderful is

that

look they're lovely yeah no they are you

do love them along with them

mayor Friedman and Lisa Pryor recently I

and those two wonderful women have been

designated the worst mothers in

Australia by Mark Latham

and of course he is the final judge of

those things apparently um and this is

because I am open about the fact that

whilst I'm really proud that I was a

mother I'm really pleased that I've done

I learned so much from mothering I

learned my kids taught me far more than

I've ever taught them but I'm over it

it's very hard work you know and it's

often very boring work um the number of

times they say and do something that

actually gives you pleasure is fairly

rare in comparison to the number of

times you're doing things you never ever

thought you would um and some of them

are quite disgusting but that's okay

they're 23 they're 26 I've done what I

can now it's up to them love them dearly

will help if they need it very much hope

they don't need it I am a member of the

first generation of women this was

referred to earlier by the wonderful

circus of women who have worked for most

of their lives women over 50 notices in

the United States but I'm sure it's you

know you could extrapolate down for

Australia control 19 trillion dollars we

have become a market and that is a power

that makes us no longer as invisible as

perhaps we once were we are in fact the

healthiest wealthiest most active women

in history in the west of course I'm

talking about fantastic you know what's

better those kids have moved out there

running their own money you earn stuff

you know who you sent spend it on

yourself I haven't got grandchildren yet

I am looking forward to it mainly

because my friends who are grandparents

say you know what they're lovely but you

can hand them back um but I'm not gonna

spend all my money on my grandchildren

that would be spoiling them we need to

build their character

but I've got enough character so I can

spoil myself and I am yet and this is my

question why does the world want me to

hate and deny this stage of my life why

am I expected to spend that money that

I've spent a lifetime earning I'm trying

to fight aging why would I want to

pretend that I am NOT my age I have

earned every bit of my age I am proud of

it

I see nothing wrong with being 57 and a

half it's very important that half you

go back to being a five year old not

just in the fact that your tits don't

hurt I am expected by many to at least

consider risking my life having cosmetic

surgery to chase some sort of fantasy

idea of looking perpetually young the

trouble with people that I have seen who

have had cosmetic surgery is they don't

look young and they don't look

particularly pretty they tend to a look

after a while like this strangely

related to one another

you know

and the major message you get from it

anyone who's had a lot of plastic

surgery is you're you're rich and

insecure which is a sad message to be

sending at this point in your life when

in fact the loss of your physical beauty

teaches you how to become much more

aware of the other beauties that you

have that's what that loss does it

enables you to start to understand so

much more what else you have to offer so

why would you want to hang on to the

thing that blocked you from getting to

that or at least getting other people to

understand that and imagine how

embarrassing frankly it would be at your

funeral for them to say well Jane died

of a tummy tuck I mean your kids would

be quite into it all to get pretty

shitty with you for dying for something

like that you know I don't like that

I've got this really I don't but I'm not

going to get rid of it there's a couple

of reasons why well first of all I don't

want to die I don't like pain I'm not

nearly so interested in looking good as

I am in feeling good but also I think I

inherited this this is genetic somewhere

in my past there is an ancestor who had

this and this is a little piece of that

person that I'm carrying around with me

I liked that idea I'm going to embrace

it

I'm expected to want to inject my face

with toxins so I can start to look a bit

like Tony Abbott or shiny and spinach

can't see the attraction in that I don't

know why ah and this is the most

interesting one when I say something

controversial or provocative on Twitter

now it really happens but when I do the

insults that are thrown at me the

instances are thrown at my younger

feminist friends are often about how

they want to rape them and do horrible

things to them sexually I don't get that

what I get is you're a bitter twisted

old ugly hag hey you know the young ones

are still juicy enough to fantasize

about but the old ones now but I've even

imagined it I'm supposed to be offended

by that are you kidding me why would I

don't understand that I am not hurt when

you call me old it is a statement of

fact it is a statement of fact and that

is fine by me I want to see how my face

is meant to turn out I really am I'm

interested it won't be pretty but it

will be real and I'd rather look real

like my real self then I don't know some

sort of fantasy version have you seen

people like Jane Fonda and Goldie Hawn

and meg Ryan well Renee Zellweger was

the latest one wasn't she you think is

that someone is that a Renee Zellweger

impersonator and that's what tends to

happen you don't look like you anymore

why would you want to get further away

from your face instead of more

comfortable in it

aging is a valid stage in a whole life

it has things to teach us about letting

go of things like vanity like what other

people think of us like approval like

life because when you get older it

concentrates the mind you realize how

much shorter the time is that you have

left and that is wonderfully energizing

that makes you move like nothing else

I believe that contrary to conventional

wisdom aging is easier on women than it

is on men first of these is

yes as I get older I get more aches and

pains but can I tell you for the first

time ever they are equal-opportunity

aches and pains man get bad knees

lousy backs ah what have I got I've got

a um Morton's article neuroma all don't

ask me what it is is very very

unpleasant but then get them to I'm

sorry to be mean about it but after all

those decades that sort its periods etc

etc etc it's a pleasure when my husband

said my back hurts I say oh really

how sad but there's more to it than that

I'm seeing a lot of my male peers who

are very powerful in their life

controlled businesses were very

successful they were from that group

which are considered in by the world to

automatically have merit which many of

the rest of us are not automatically

assumed to have but this group are there

the white male often privately school

educated men and well of course they're

male and men that group are what centers

the norm they're allowed to be

individuals if they do something wrong

it's that individual has done it wrong

you know you're in a kind of minority

group or a subordinate group when when

you do something wrong see women can't

cut it it's used as an example for the

whole group women drivers for example

why does no one ever say men drivers it

is a term you never hear so men find as

they get older I'm seeing this in my

peers that they suddenly go for the

first time ever in their lives but if

I've been in that powerful group to

being a member of one of those groups

they go from being a man or their

individual selves to being an old man

and it hits them like a ton of bricks

but for women it's much easier because

we're really used to being irrelevant

and a member of a group that no one paid

much attention to all our life

so we're not remotely concerned about

being old women because it's not much

different from being women

really

notice with the drivers it's an old

driver is another way of identifying

that they've become a member of a group

which means lost status the human female

if you think getting old is a bad thing

for women the human female can live

three maybe more decades beyond her

reproductive capacity no other creature

on the planet comes close we are unique

in the entire history of evolution in

that female human beings can live so

much beyond their reproductive life this

is extraordinary we should be

celebrating it you are unique this is

our time and Apollo said it brilliantly

stop whining about getting old

it's a privilege a lot of people who I

did wish they were still alive

finally feminism puts women at the

center of their own lives and that's

what getting old does to all that stuff

about your body no longer being captive

to the reproductive cycle you no longer

being captive to anybody else's gaze an

opinion that's what feminism is about

it's about women putting themselves at

the center of their own lives

you only have limited time to make to do

this so make the most of it don't waste

your time getting injections and having

surgery and lamenting the the loss of

your youth and your beauty who gives a

it was pretty ordinary really if

you think about it it is literally your

last chance to be exactly who you are

and to find out who that is when you're

stripped of all that cosmetic stuff that

you present to the rest of the world

you're old no one's interested but you

bloody Allah and that is fantastic

please whatever you do don't waste it

before I get off the stage I just want

to say one thing I'd like to dedicate

this talk to my friend Jeff Truman who

died very suddenly aged 57 last Sunday

he made me think very hard about this

talk and how important it is to know the

only moment you've got is right now and

to get old

jeez you're lucky if you do thank you

very much