After my husband was murdered | Dionne Wilson | TEDxSanQuentin

Summary

In this powerful testimony, a woman recounts the tragic loss of her husband to murder and her initial quest for vengeance through the death penalty. However, she discovers true healing not in retribution but in connecting with incarcerated women, finding humanity in unexpected places. Through the Insight Prison Project, she experiences profound emotional growth, advocating for transformative justice programs that address the root causes of crime and promote rehabilitation, ultimately calling for societal change to embrace redemption and forgiveness.

Takeaways

• 🌙 The speaker's life was profoundly impacted by the tragic death of her husband, a police officer, which shattered her previous perceptions of safety and justice.
• 🔒 Initially believing that full prisons equated to public safety, the speaker's views were challenged by her personal tragedy and subsequent experiences.
• ⚖️ After her husband's murder, the speaker sought and received the death penalty for the convicted murderer, Irving Ramirez, driven by anger and a misguided belief in its healing power.
• 😔 The speaker discovered that the death penalty did not bring the healing she was promised, and instead, her misery deepened once the initial relief of the verdict faded.
• 🤝 Through the Insight Prison Project, the speaker found healing in connecting with incarcerated women who had committed murder, recognizing their humanity and her own lost compassion.
• 🛡 The speaker emphasizes the importance of programs like the Victim Offender Education Group (VOEG) in prisons, which focus on accountability, empathy, and healing for both inmates and victims.
• 🏠 Acknowledging that most prisoners will eventually return to society, the speaker argues for the necessity of transformative programs to ensure public safety upon their release.
• 🌟 Witnessing personal transformation within the prison system erased the speaker's desire for revenge against Irving, illustrating the power of rehabilitation and empathy.
• 👥 The speaker calls for the involvement of lawmakers, prison administrators, and society at large to support and expand programs that facilitate healing and rehabilitation.
• 🏛️ Lawmakers are urged to create policies that address root causes of crime and reduce incarceration, moving beyond the failed 'tough on crime' approach.
• 🏢 Prison administrators are encouraged to support and expand programs like the Insight Prison Project to increase safety and transform lives within the prison system.
• 🌐 Society is asked to be open to the possibility of change and redemption for incarcerated individuals, challenging preconceived notions and advocating for a more compassionate approach to reintegration.

Q & A

What significant event occurred in the speaker's life on July 25, 2005?

On July 25, 2005, the speaker's life changed forever when she received the news of her husband's death, who was a police officer.

What was the speaker's initial belief about public safety and criminals before her husband's death?

The speaker initially believed that public safety was ensured as long as prisons were full and that criminals belonged in prison forever.

Who was convicted for the murder of the speaker's husband, and what punishment did the speaker seek for him?

Irving Ramirez was convicted for the murder of the speaker's husband, and she sought the death penalty for him out of anger and vengeance.

Why did the speaker initially believe the death penalty would aid her healing process?

The speaker was told by many people that the death penalty would be the key to her healing, as a form of closure and justice.

How did the speaker's perspective on healing change after her experience with the Insight Prison Project?

The speaker's perspective on healing changed when she realized that connecting with people who had committed harm and were learning to find their humanity was the key to her healing, rather than seeking revenge.

What is the Insight Prison Project and what role did it play in the speaker's life?

The Insight Prison Project is an organization that works with prisoners and victims of crime. It played a significant role in the speaker's life by helping her find healing through connecting with prisoners and later becoming a facilitator for the program.

What is the purpose of the Victim Offender Education Group (VOEG) within the Insight Prison Project?

The purpose of the VOEG is to engage in deep and powerful emotional work that explores the impact of the prisoners' crimes, helps them be accountable, build empathy for victims, and heal their own unresolved trauma.

Why is the speaker advocating for the expansion of programs like the Insight Prison Project to other prisons?

The speaker advocates for the expansion of such programs because they increase safety inside prisons, reduce violence, and transform the lives of both prisoners and victims, contributing to public safety.

What is the speaker's message to lawmakers regarding the criminal justice system?

The speaker asks lawmakers to create smart justice policies that reduce incarceration and address the root causes of crime, such as poverty, addiction, mental health issues, and unresolved trauma.

What does the speaker suggest society should do to change their perception of incarcerated people?

The speaker suggests that society should set aside preconceived notions, be open to the possibility of change and redemption, and allow formerly incarcerated people to pay their debt to society without the stigma lasting forever.

How does the speaker define the goal of public safety in relation to the criminal justice system?

The speaker defines the goal of public safety as achievable without tearing each other apart, requiring collective effort to undo harm and initiate healing, and ensuring that people who have served their time can reintegrate into society without barriers.

Outlines

00:00

😢 Tragedy Strikes and the Quest for Healing

The speaker recounts the devastating loss of her husband, a police officer, which led to a profound personal transformation. Initially believing in the retributive justice system, she sought the death penalty for her husband's murderer out of anger and vengeance. However, this did not bring her the healing she expected. Instead, she discovered that engaging with the Insight Prison Project and sharing her story with incarcerated women who had committed murder was instrumental in her healing process. This experience taught her that empathy and understanding of those who have caused harm are essential for personal recovery.

05:03

🌟 Transformative Programs and the Path to Redemption

The speaker advocates for the importance of transformative programs like the Victim Offender Education Group (VOEG), which she actively participates in as a facilitator. She emphasizes the power of these programs in reducing recidivism and enhancing public safety. The speaker's personal journey from seeking revenge to becoming a facilitator and finding healing in the process is highlighted. She calls for policymakers to create 'smart justice' policies that address root causes of crime and for prison administrators to support such programs, which have a positive impact on both inmates and society at large.

10:03

🤝 Society's Role in Embracing Change and Forgiveness

In the final paragraph, the speaker addresses the broader society, urging them to reconsider their perceptions of incarcerated individuals and to embrace the possibility of change and redemption. She points out the systemic barriers that ex-convicts face, such as the stigma that prevents them from accessing essential services and opportunities, which hinders their reintegration into society. The speaker calls for the collective effort of lawmakers, prison administrators, and society to dismantle these barriers and to allow for the healing and transformation of both victims and offenders.

Keywords

💡Tragedy

Tragedy refers to an event causing great suffering, destruction, or loss. In the video's context, it is the unexpected death of the speaker's husband, a police officer, which shattered her world and introduced her to a horrifying new reality. The theme of tragedy is central to understanding the emotional journey and transformation the speaker experiences throughout the video.

💡Public Safety

Public safety encompasses measures taken by society to protect the health and safety of its citizens. Initially, the speaker believed full prisons equated to public safety. However, her perspective evolves as she engages with the criminal justice system and realizes the complexity of true public safety, which includes rehabilitation and understanding the root causes of crime.

💡Death Penalty

The death penalty is a government-sanctioned practice of ending the life of a person as punishment for their crimes. The speaker initially sought the death penalty for her husband's murderer out of anger and vengeance, believing it would aid her healing. However, the video explores her realization that the death penalty is not a path to healing or true justice.

💡Vengeance

Vengeance is the act of inflicting harm in retaliation for an injury or offense. The speaker's initial pursuit of the death penalty was driven by a desire for vengeance. The video script illustrates her journey from seeking vengeance to finding a different form of justice and healing that does not involve causing more suffering.

💡Healing

Healing, in the context of the video, refers to the process of recovering from a traumatic event, both emotionally and psychologically. The speaker's journey involves moving away from vengeance and towards a form of healing that involves empathy, understanding, and connection with those who have caused harm, as seen in her interactions with the women in the prison.

💡Insight Prison Project (IPP)

The Insight Prison Project is an organization that facilitates healing and transformation for both inmates and victims of crime through various programs. In the video, IPP introduces the speaker to a new perspective on justice and healing, allowing her to connect with and understand the humanity of those who have committed crimes, which plays a crucial role in her own healing process.

💡Accountability

Accountability is the expectation and obligation of being responsible for one's actions. The speaker learns about the importance of true accountability through the Victim Offender Education Group (VOEG) facilitated by IPP, where inmates are encouraged to take responsibility for their crimes, understand the impact of their actions, and work towards healing their own trauma.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. The video emphasizes the development of empathy as a critical component of the healing process for both victims and offenders. The speaker's experience with the women in prison demonstrates how empathy can bridge the gap between victim and offender, leading to mutual understanding and healing.

💡Rehabilitation

Rehabilitation refers to the process of restoring someone to a healthy, normal, or improved state of life. The speaker advocates for programs that focus on rehabilitation within prisons, such as those offered by IPP, which aim to transform the lives of inmates and prepare them for reintegration into society in a positive way.

💡Stigma

Stigma is a mark of disgrace associated with a person or thing, often resulting in negative attitudes or discrimination. The speaker discusses the lasting stigma faced by formerly incarcerated individuals, which can prevent them from accessing opportunities for housing, employment, and services, despite their efforts to reform and contribute to society.

💡Redemption

Redemption is the act of making up for one's wrongdoings or mistakes. In the video, the speaker asks society to be open to the possibility of redemption for those who have been incarcerated, emphasizing that people can change and that forgiveness should extend to allowing them to move past their past mistakes and reintegrate into society.

💡Smart Justice Policies

Smart justice policies refer to strategic and effective approaches to criminal justice that focus on reducing incarceration and addressing the underlying causes of crime. The speaker calls on lawmakers to create such policies, moving beyond the 'tough on crime' approach, which has failed to deliver on its promises of public safety.

Highlights

The speaker's life changed dramatically on July 25, 2005, with the tragic death of her husband, a police officer.

Initially, the speaker believed that a full prison system equated to public safety and that criminals belonged behind bars.

Following her husband's murder, the speaker sought the death penalty for the convicted killer out of anger and vengeance.

The speaker was told that the death penalty would aid her healing process, but she later found this to be untrue.

The speaker discovered that the justice system routinely fails crime victims, even those who get what they initially wanted.

An introduction to the Insight Prison Project led to a transformative experience sharing her story with women serving life sentences.

The speaker unexpectedly connected with the incarcerated women, seeing parallels in their stories and finding a shared humanity.

The key to the speaker's healing was found in connecting with individuals who had caused harm and were seeking redemption.

The speaker realized that seeking healing through the suffering of others was not the answer and that empathy and understanding were lost in the process.

The work of the Victim Offender Education Group (VOEG) in IPP is described as deep and powerful, focusing on accountability and healing.

Over 90% of prisoners will eventually return to society, and the speaker believes that programs like VOEG can contribute to public safety.

The speaker's personal transformation included the eradication of her desire for the death penalty after witnessing the impact of the VOEG program.

The speaker became a facilitator with IPP, working with men serving life sentences and finding healing in the process.

The speaker calls for increased availability of programs like VOEG in prisons to improve safety and reduce violence.

Lawmakers are urged to create policies that address the root causes of crime and reduce incarceration.

Society is encouraged to be open to the possibility of change and redemption in formerly incarcerated individuals.

The speaker advocates for the removal of barriers for those re-entering society, arguing that continuous stigmatization sets them up for failure.

The speaker concludes by emphasizing the collective effort needed to achieve public safety without tearing each other apart.

Transcripts

Translator: Delia Cohen Reviewer: Ellen Maloney

July 25, 2005,

my life changed forever.

I went to bed that night, my children were asleep,

my police officer husband Dan was out doing what he loved-

working the night shift in San Leandro, California.

We had just celebrated my son's 15th birthday the day before,

and our six-year-old daughter was the happiest daddy's girl on earth.

But at one A.M. that night, I got that knock on my door,

and the news of my husband's death

was delivered by three of our closest friends

who were working with him that night,

and my world was absolutely shattered.

I went to bed thinking that tragedy wouldn't touch me,

but I woke up to a much different and horrifying new reality.

Before this happened,

I thought I knew what public safety looked like.

I thought that as long as our prisons were full, we were safe.

I didn't really know who "criminals" were,

but I was pretty sure they belonged locked in prison forever.

And after Dan was killed, I knew I was right.

When Irving Ramirez was convicted of Dan's murder,

I begged the jury for the death penalty,

and I got it.

I begged for it out of anger and vengeance: I was out for blood.

I hated Irving,

but I also did it because I was told by many people

that the death penalty would be the key to my healing,

but that ended up not being true for me.

When the joy of winning that verdict evaporated,

the real misery set in,

and I had no idea what to do.

So, for the next several years as I searched for answers,

I learned that our system

routinely fails crime victims on almost every level,

myself included, even though I got what I thought I wanted.

I was beginning to give up hope that I would ever find the answer,

and then I was introduced to Insight Prison Project.

They asked me to come and share my story with a group of women

who were serving life sentences for murder.

I said yes, but I was terrified to go into that prison.

I had no idea what to expect.

I thought they were going to eat me alive until I met them

and found that many of them were just like me.

I didn't expect to connect with those women the way that I did.

I didn't expect to see myself in their stories;

I didn't expect to cry with them the way that I did.

And because of that experience I learned that the key to my healing

was in connecting with people who had committed a great deal of harm

and were learning to find their own humanity,

because by that time, I had lost mine.

Looking back now, I think the thing most responsible

for separating me from love and compassion,

understanding and forgiveness,

was seeking my healing in the misery and death of another human being.

(Applause)

It was really clear to me at that point that more suffering wasn't the answer,

but what happened in that group, for me, that was the answer.

Now the work that men and women do in IPP's Victim Offender Education Group

is extraordinarily deep and powerful.

It's about a year and a half of really emotional work

that explores the impact of their crime.

What it looks like to truly be accountable for those actions,

building empathy for victims,

and then ultimately healing their own unresolved trauma.

And this is really important,

because everybody that lives in prison today won't be there forever.

Over 90% of them are going to go home at some point,

and they're going to move in next door to someone.

Now that wouldn't scare me if I knew that they had been through a VOEG group

or one of the other amazing programs that exist in this prison,

because I really believe these programs deliver public safety.

I know that this was true for me

because watching people be transformed by this amazing work

completely erased my need to see Irving die, and I never saw that coming.

If people would have told me ten years ago

that I would get involved with IPP and become a facilitator

and come into prison every Saturday

and work with a group of men serving life sentences

and find my own healing in the process?

No way.

I couldn't imagine that would ever be true,

but here I am.

(Applause)

I never thought

I would have the opportunity to experience this level of emotional healing

or to support the healing of others.

I never thought I would get to see people who were hardened by anger and fear

and unresolved trauma heal and then become healers for others.

It's been an absolutely amazing experience

and I'm so grateful.

But it can't stop with me and the other volunteers

in this prison who love this work.

It's really sad

that these programs are so rare

outside of San Quentin, and we need to change that.

But the way I see it, there are three distinct groups of people

who have the most power to influence the way people come home from prison:

and that's lawmakers, prison administrators, and society.

For lawmakers, I'm asking you to create smart justice policies

that reduce incarceration and address the real drivers of crime,

like poverty, addiction, and mental health issues,

and unresolved trauma.

(Applause)

We are so far beyond the "tough on crime" era

that promised to deliver public safety and utterly failed.

The voting public knows the system is broken,

and we're ready for a new direction.

For prison administrators,

I'd ask you to keep saying yes

to programs like what Insight Prison Project brings

and the other programs that are in this prison.

Bring it to other prisons; make it available.

These programs help increase safety inside the prisons,

they reduce prisoner-on-staff violence,

and they transform the lives of people on both sides of the prison walls.

Keep saying yes

to media who want to showcase the work being done and the lives being changed.

That's necessary; people need to know what's going on in here.

And I ask you to keep exploring ways to allow prisoners to reconnect

with their families and to heal and become vectors of healing,

not just for other prisoners

but for people like me who are victims of crime.

Your decisions in here directly affect what happens out there.

(Applause)

And lastly, to society,

I ask that you set aside what you think you know

about incarcerated people and just get curious.

I'm not asking you to ignore the harm they've caused; I wouldn't do that.

I'm asking you to be open to the possibility

that people can and do change.

I did.

I ask you to remain open to the fact that redemption is possible.

And lastly I want to ask you to forgive,

but not in the way that you might think.

I'm asking that we allow the debt

of formerly incarcerated people to be paid.

That's why we sent them to prison, right?

(Applause)

We sent them to prison to pay their debt to us;

the only problem with that is that it never actually happens.

I didn't know that the stigma lasted forever, until I met people

who had done time in prison and are out now

doing amazing work in the world,

and then watching them be shut out and marginalized at every turn

no matter what they do.

Felony convictions bar opportunities for safe housing, employment,

mental health, trauma recovery services.

When we continuously throw barriers in front of people who are trying

to take responsibility and become productive members of society,

we set them up for failure, and then we all lose.

I really believe that the goal of public safety can be achieved

without tearing each other apart,

but it's going to take all of us working together to undo that harm

and to let that healing begin.

We can do better, and we must.

Thank you.

(Applause)