Reasons Not to Worry What Others Think

Summary

This video script explores the futility of seeking validation from others, emphasizing the importance of self-empowerment and authenticity. It delves into psychological and philosophical concepts, such as the trichotomy of control and projection, to argue that people's opinions are often reflections of themselves and beyond our control. The script encourages viewers to recognize their own significance and to live life authentically, without the constraints of others' expectations, highlighting that life is too short to be spent worrying about external judgments.

Takeaways

• 🚫 **No Responsibility to Meet Expectations**: You are not obligated to fulfill others' expectations or be like they want you to be.
• 🤔 **Caring About Opinions**: It's wise to consider others' views for potential insights, but obsessing over them can lead to unnecessary suffering.
• 🔑 **Power Over Emotions**: Relying on others' validation for happiness gives away control of your emotional state, making you susceptible to their opinions.
• 📱 **Social Media's Influence**: In the age of social media, seeking approval can become an addictive need for happiness, which is out of your control.
• 🌐 **Unpredictable Opinions**: People's opinions are often changeable and baseless, making it futile to seek their constant approval.
• 📚 **Stoic Philosophy**: Stoic philosopher Seneca warns against finding joy in the applause of the ignorant, emphasizing self-validation.
• 💡 **Control and Influence**: Professor William B. Irvine's trichotomy of control suggests focusing on what you can influence, rather than worrying about others' opinions.
• 🔄 **Opinions Reflect Them, Not You**: People's reactions often reflect their own feelings and unconscious projections, not a true assessment of you.
• 🌌 **Not the Center of the Universe**: Recognizing the vastness of the universe can help put into perspective the insignificance of being the center of others' attention.
• 🐑 **Authenticity Over Conformity**: Caring too much about others' opinions can lead to losing your individuality and authenticity.
• ⏳ **Life's Brevity**: Life is short, and spending it worrying about others' opinions is a waste of the limited time we have.
• 🤓 **Self-Knowledge**: You are the most knowledgeable about yourself, and your self-awareness is more accurate than others' perceptions.

Q & A

Why should we not live up to other people's expectations of what we ought to accomplish?

Living up to others' expectations can lead to a loss of personal power and authenticity. It is their mistake, not our failing, if we do not meet their expectations, as we should focus on our own goals and happiness.

What is the potential harm of focusing too much on other people's opinions?

Focusing excessively on others' opinions can lead to unnecessary agony and stress, as it may cause us to dwell on what people might think to the detriment of our emotional well-being and personal growth.

How does seeking validation from others affect our emotional states?

Seeking validation from others gives away our power over our emotional states. We may feel exhilarated when approved but become sad or angry when not, making our happiness dependent on external validation.

What does Stoic philosopher Seneca say about seeking praise from the ignorant?

Seneca criticizes the madness of those who seek happiness from the applause of the ignorant, questioning why one would take pleasure in praise from those they themselves cannot praise.

What is the trichotomy of control as proposed by William B. Irvine?

The trichotomy of control categorizes things into three: those we have complete control over, those we have no control over, and those we have some control over but not complete. People's opinions often fall into the latter two categories.

Why is it futile to worry about the opinions of others?

Worrying about others' opinions is futile because it is beyond our control and does not change the fact that we cannot influence every thought or perception others have of us.

How does the concept of 'projection' as described by Carl Jung relate to people's reactions to us?

Projection is a psychological phenomenon where people unconsciously attribute their own unacceptable feelings or impulses to someone else. This can lead to adverse reactions that are more reflective of the person projecting than of the person being judged.

What does the idea of 'solipsism' suggest about the reality of other people's opinions?

Solipsism is the philosophical idea that only one's own mind is sure to exist. If solipsism is true, then other people's opinions are illusions and not real, making them irrelevant to our concerns.

How can caring too much about others' opinions affect our authenticity?

Caring too much about others' opinions can lead to a loss of authenticity, as we may start to conform to others' expectations and ideals, rather than living according to our own values and desires.

What does the National Worry Audit reveal about the amount of time people spend worrying about others' opinions?

The National Worry Audit shows that on average, people in Britain spend about 6.5 years of their lives worrying, much of which is related to the opinions of others, highlighting the significant time wasted on such concerns.

Why is it important to remember that we know ourselves best when considering the opinions of others?

Remembering that we know ourselves best is important because it helps us understand that others' perceptions of us are often based on limited information and may not align with our true selves, reinforcing the need for self-trust and authenticity.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Folly of Seeking Validation

This paragraph discusses the futility of living up to others' expectations and the dangers of seeking validation from them. It emphasizes that our emotional well-being should not be contingent on external approval. The script introduces the idea that by seeking validation, we relinquish control over our emotions, which can be detrimental, especially in the social media era where approval becomes a false measure of happiness. It also touches on the philosophical and psychological concepts that highlight the insignificance of others' opinions, including the Stoic philosophy of control dichotomy and the psychological phenomenon of projection, which suggests that people's reactions often reflect their own internal struggles rather than an accurate assessment of us.

05:03

🌌 The Illusion of Self-Importance

The second paragraph explores the concept of solipsism, questioning the reality of external minds and suggesting that if one's mind is the only sure existence, then others' opinions are mere illusions. However, acknowledging the consensus that other minds do exist, it posits that people are likely too preoccupied with their own lives to pay much attention to us. It also references historical wisdom from Marcus Aurelius to illustrate the fleeting nature of memory and the importance of focusing on what truly matters. The paragraph concludes by warning against the loss of authenticity that comes from overly conforming to societal expectations, drawing on Friedrich Nietzsche's critique of herd mentality and the importance of individual self-actualization.

10:07

💭 The Intricacies of Self-Knowledge

The final paragraph delves into the complexities of self-knowledge and the limitations of external perspectives. It explains that while others can offer insights, they can never fully grasp our true motives or the depths of our personalities, as these are inherently private. Drawing on Carl Jung's model of the psyche, the script highlights the difference between the persona we present to the world and the multifaceted self that remains hidden. It concludes by advocating for authenticity and self-truth as the keys to personal growth, suggesting that adherence to others' expectations can lead to a loss of self and a failure to realize one's full potential.

Keywords

💡Responsibility

Responsibility in the script refers to the personal obligation one feels to meet others' expectations. It's a central theme as the video emphasizes that individuals are not responsible for living up to what others think they should accomplish. The script suggests that it is a mistake to base one's self-worth on external validation, which can lead to emotional dependency and unhappiness.

💡Validation

Validation is the act of confirming or approving something, and in the context of the video, it's the approval or acceptance one seeks from others. The script argues that relying on others' validation for happiness can be detrimental, as it gives away control over one's emotional state, making one's joy contingent on external opinions.

💡Emotional States

Emotional states are the various feelings and moods one experiences. The video discusses how allowing external validation to dictate one's emotional states can lead to a loss of autonomy over one's happiness. It highlights the fluctuation between exhilaration and sadness based on social approval or disapproval.

💡Stoicism

Stoicism is a philosophy that teaches the development of self-control and fortitude as a means to overcome destructive emotions. The script references Stoic philosopher Seneca to illustrate the point that seeking approval from the ignorant is madness, advocating for self-assurance over external validation.

💡Dichotomy of Control

The dichotomy of control, a Stoic concept, differentiates between things within one's control and those that are not. The script introduces a variation, the trichotomy of control, which adds a category for things over which we have some control. This concept is used to argue that worrying about others' opinions is futile since they are often beyond our control.

💡Projection

Projection is a psychological phenomenon where individuals attribute their own unacceptable feelings or impulses to others. The video uses Carl Jung's concept of projection to explain that people's reactions to us may reflect their own repressed aspects, not necessarily our actions or characteristics.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity refers to the state of being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character. The script warns that caring too much about others' opinions can erode authenticity, leading one to conform to societal expectations and lose individuality. It encourages viewers to forge their own path, unapologetically.

💡Herd Mentality

Herd mentality is the tendency to follow the majority without critical thinking. The video cites Friedrich Nietzsche to criticize this mentality, suggesting that it stifles individuality and creativity. It encourages viewers to resist the herd and embrace their unique perspectives and values.

💡Solipsism

Solipsism is the philosophical idea that only one's own mind is sure to exist. The script briefly explores solipsism to argue that if it were true, others' opinions would be illusions. However, it acknowledges the consensus of other minds' existence and the impact of their real opinions.

💡Self-Actualization

Self-actualization is the highest level of psychological development, where one realizes their full potential. The video uses this concept to encourage viewers to become authentic, self-actualized individuals by ignoring the herd's opinions and creating their own values and paths.

💡Life's Brevity

The video emphasizes the shortness of life, citing the National Worry Audit to illustrate how much time people spend worrying about others' opinions. It argues that life is too short to waste on such concerns and encourages living authentically and focusing on what truly matters.

💡Self-Knowledge

Self-knowledge is the deep understanding of one's own character, motivations, and feelings. The script argues that we are the most knowledgeable about ourselves, and while others' feedback can be helpful, the ultimate truth about who we are lies within. It encourages staying true to oneself for authenticity.

Highlights

You have no responsibility to live up to what other people think you ought to accomplish.

It’s their mistake, not my failing, when others have expectations that don't align with who you are.

Caring about other people’s opinions can be beneficial as they may contain valuable insights.

Focusing too much on others' opinions can be harmful and unnecessary.

Relying on others' validation gives away control over your emotional states.

Social media can exacerbate the need for approval, turning it into an addiction.

Stoic philosopher Seneca criticizes the desire for praise from those whose approval is not worth having.

People's opinions are often beyond our control, making worry over them futile.

The trichotomy of control categorizes things we can and cannot influence, including others' opinions.

Opinions often reflect the person holding them, not you, due to psychological projection.

Understanding projection helps put others' opinions into perspective as a reflection of their own unconscious.

We are not the center of the universe, and others are likely as preoccupied with their own lives as we are.

Solipsism suggests that only one's own mind is sure to exist, making others' opinions potentially unreal.

Authenticity is lost when one conforms to the expectations and ideals of others.

Nietzsche's philosophy distinguishes between master and slave morality, advocating for individual authenticity.

Life is short, and worrying about others' opinions wastes valuable time that could be better spent.

You know yourself best, and self-knowledge is more reliable than others' perceptions of you.

Staying true to oneself fosters authenticity and reduces conformity to societal pressures.

Transcripts

You have no responsibility to live up to what other people think you ought to accomplish.

I have no responsibility to be like they expect me to be.

It’s their mistake, not my failing.

It’s generally a good idea to care about other people’s opinions to some degree,

as they could contain some worthwhile insight.

But focusing on them too much to the point that we spend hours and hours dwelling on

what people might think can leave us in agony.

It’s not only potentially harmful but also unnecessary.

This video explains why based on several concepts from psychology and philosophy.

(1) You’re giving away your power.

The moment we let our joy depend on the validation by other people, we give away the power over

our emotional states.

With this attitude, it feels exhilarating when people fancy us.

But when they don’t, we become sad and angry.

Especially now, in the age of social media, many have made other people’s approval their

focal point in life.

Positive attention, then, becomes a requirement for happiness, which entirely depends on the

whims of those we try to impress.

It can even become an addiction.

Many of the people that we try to impress we don’t even know.

Moreover, many of them have ever-changing opinions, often without substance, or are

downright ignorant.

So why would we waste our time trying to make them like us?

Chances are, we don’t even like them?

Stoic philosopher Seneca said about this, and I quote:

How mad is he who leaves the lecture-room in a happy frame of mind simply because of

applause from the ignorant!

Why do you take pleasure in being praised by men whom you yourself cannot praise?

(2) It’s beyond your control.

The problem with worry is that our minds try to control the uncontrollable.

People’s opinions are ultimately not up to us, so there isn’t much we can do to

stop them from disliking us.

Now, this doesn’t mean that we cannot influence what other people think.

As a variation to the dichotomy of control (a concept from Stoicism), professor of philosophy

and author William B. Irvine proposed the trichotomy of control.

The dichotomy of control as presented by Epictetus makes a distinction between the things that

are within our control and things that aren’t.

The trichotomy of control, however, offers three categories:

Things over which we have complete control.

Things over which we have no control at all.

And things over which we have some but not complete control.

Opinions of other people fall into the second and third categories.

In some cases, there’s nothing we can do about what others think.

For example, we cannot change what someone said to us in the past, and we cannot change

our parents’ disapproval of us when they’re dead.

But we can influence people in the present by our words and actions.

But even though our behavior could be incredibly influential, the results are still not up

to us.

Therefore, worrying about what’s happening in the brains of others is futile, and we’re

better off focusing on our own actions.

(3) It’s a reflection of them - not you.

Often, how people react to us directly reflects themselves and how they feel.

When we incur hostility, indifference, or sadness, as a response to our actions or even

to our very presence, it may not always be personal.

Moreover, these people could be expressing parts of their unconscious without realizing

it.

Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung called this phenomenon ‘projection’.

Jung believed that people tend to repress unwanted aspects of themselves into the unconscious

parts of the mind, which form, what he called, the Shadow.

A consequence is that we unconsciously recognize in others what we recognize in ourselves.

As we dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves, an adverse emotional reaction follows.

Psychology Today describes projection as follows, and I quote:

Unconscious discomfort can lead people to attribute unacceptable feelings or impulses

to someone else to avoid confronting them.

Projection allows the difficult trait to be addressed without the individual fully recognizing

it in themselves.

End quote.

Jung stated that projections change the world into a replica of one’s unknown face.

We all see the world through a unique lens, and the unconscious plays a significant role

in how we relate to our environment.

Knowing this, we can put the opinions of other people into perspective.

(4) You’re not the center of the universe.

When we try to imagine the vastness of the universe, we begin to understand the insignificance

of ourselves.

We may experience ourselves as the center of it all because we see it exclusively through

our eyes, but most would agree that we are not.

But, of course, we never know.

Solipsism is the idea that only one’s mind is sure to exist, as we cannot prove that

the external world (including the minds of others) is real.

To this day, one cannot experience the existence of other minds than one’s own.

If your mind is indeed the only mind in existence, other people’s opinions are nothing but

illusions.

Thus, nothing to make a fuss about, as they aren’t real.

But even though solipsism could be the reality, there seems to be a consensus that other minds

do exist.

If the latter is the case, then other people’s opinions are indeed real.

But if all people have minds comparable to our own and are as immersed in their troubles

as we are, then they’re probably not thinking about us as much as we’d believe.

Moreover, most people are so busy concerning themselves with what others think of them

that they don’t have time to take a good look at the very people they try to impress.

In the grand scheme of things, opinions are incredibly brief and erratic, and our mistakes

are quickly forgotten, along with all the times we’ve impressed someone.

As Marcus Aurelius stated: “So many who were remembered already forgotten, and those

who remembered them long gone.”

(5) It destroys authenticity.

Care too much about what others think, and you’ll turn into a sheep anxiously following

the rest of the flock.

If you do as other people want you to do, you’ll be living according to their expectations

and ideals.

German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche despised the herd mentality that many people carry.

He makes a distinction between the Herren- und Sklavenmoral, meaning the master and slave

morality.

Those at the top are the strong-willed who create values and rules.

The many at the bottom, the herd, follow but oppose their oppressors at the same time.

But instead of rising to the top, those with a slave morality want others to be at their

level, namely, among the other obedient, mediocre, and uniform members of the herd.

Once part of the mass, they expect you to be just like them.

If you stand out, the herd sees you as evil.

If you act in conflict with conventions, you may even be considered dangerous, as people

usually fear what’s strange and unknown.

Within the pack, conformity is a virtue, and authenticity is a threat.

Nietzsche urges his readers to be neither a master nor a slave but transcend this system

altogether and become an authentic, self-actualized person.

One can only accomplish greatness if one ignores the opinions of the herd and their pre-determined

virtues and unapologetically forges one’s own path.

(6) Life is too short.

A survey of 2,000 British adults called the National Worry Audit revealed that, on average,

people in Britain spend about 6,5 years of their lives worrying.

Many of these worries concern, directly or indirectly, the opinions of other people.

An example.

On a daily basis, 28% percent of Brits worry about their appearance, 21% worry about what

to wear, and 17% about body odor.

The average life expectancy of the British is currently 81 years old, which means that

they spend 8 percent of their lives worrying.

If they’d simply stop worrying about other people, then they’d have about two additional

years to enjoy life or to do something useful.

But still, even though 81 years seems quite long, it’s only a fraction of time compared

to humanity as a whole, let alone planet Earth.

Moreover, many die young, as human life is fragile and can be taken away in the blink

of an eye—what a waste of energy to spend this short and vulnerable existence wondering

what other people think.

So, the fickleness and shortness of life can be a potent reminder to eliminate this destructive

habit.

As Seneca wrote:

You live as if you were destined to live forever, no thought of your frailty ever enters your

head, of how much time has already gone by you take no heed.

You squander time as if you drew from a full and abundant supply, though all the while

that day which you bestow on some person or thing is perhaps your last.

You have all the fears of mortals and all the desires of immortals.

(7) You know yourself best.

Even though other people can give you valuable outside perspectives concerning your behavior,

the person most knowledgeable about you is you.

No matter how close we get to each other, our minds remain a private space and often

don’t fully resemble what we show to the world.

Carl Jung’s model of the psyche differentiates several parts: the persona, the ego, the self,

the shadow, and the animus or anima.

Of these aspects, the persona is what we show to the world, which is just a thin layer of

the self.

Or, as Jung put it: “a kind of mask, designed on the one hand to make a definite impression

upon others, and on the other to conceal the true nature of the individual.”

End quote.

Some people can be pretty intuitive and see through the cracks of our masks; moreover,

they can notice behaviors about us that we aren’t even aware of.

But they can never be sure about our true motives, secrets, and hidden personality traits

because these are reserved for ourselves only.

So, people’s thoughts about us based on what they perceive often don’t align with

reality.

Therefore, the feedback we get from others can be helpful, but the truth ultimately hides

within ourselves.

Deep inside, we know what we want, and the more we stay true to that, the more authentic

we become, and the less we conform to what other people want us to be.

Thank you for watching.