7 Ways to Make a Conversation With Anyone | Malavika Varadan | TEDxBITSPilaniDubai

Summary

In this engaging talk, the speaker emphasizes the power of conversation as a means to forge connections and enrich our lives. She likens conversations to links in a chain, growing stronger with each interaction. Drawing from her experience as a radio presenter, she offers seven practical tips to initiate and sustain meaningful dialogues with strangers, advocating for the value of genuine human connection in an era dominated by digital communication.

Takeaways

• 🗣️ Conversations are vital social links that strengthen with each interaction.
• 🌐 The speaker likens the network of conversations to a 'World Wide Web', emphasizing its expansiveness and importance.
• 💬 Conversations can have profound impacts, from sparking wars to making peace, and they define humanity.
• 👥 Everyone in our lives was once a stranger, highlighting the importance of first conversations.
• 🔊 The speaker encourages talking to strangers and provides seven ways to initiate conversations effectively.
• 🎙️ As a radio presenter, the speaker uses their experience to share insights on connecting with a large, unseen audience.
• 🕒 Time is a critical factor in conversation, with the speaker detailing the challenge of making a short interaction memorable.
• 🤝 The 'first word floodgates' concept suggests that the initial greeting can unlock a flow of further communication.
• 🤔 Skipping small talk and asking personal questions can lead to more meaningful and engaging conversations.
• 🔍 Finding common ground, or 'me too' moments, helps establish rapport and makes conversations more enjoyable.
• 🌟 Paying unique compliments can leave a lasting impression and make people feel valued.
• 🗳️ Asking for opinions opens up two-way communication and reveals more about a person's character.
• 👁️ Being present and making eye contact during a conversation fosters a deeper connection.
• 📚 Remembering personal details about individuals, such as names and preferences, shows genuine interest and investment in the relationship.
• 📖 The analogy of a conversation being like reading a book encourages exploring the depth of human stories beyond surface-level interactions.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the speech given by Queenie Lee?

The main theme of the speech is the importance and impact of conversations, especially with strangers, and how they can enrich our lives and build connections.

How does Queenie Lee compare conversations to a tangible object in the speech?

Queenie Lee compares conversations to tiny metal links, which get stronger with each interaction, forming a massive World Wide Web of conversation.

What does Queenie Lee suggest is the first step in starting a conversation with a stranger?

The first step suggested by Queenie Lee is to simply say 'Hi,' 'Hey,' or 'Hello,' as the first word acts as a floodgate, allowing the rest of the conversation to flow.

Why does Queenie Lee recommend skipping small talk and asking personal questions?

Queenie Lee recommends this approach because it allows for more meaningful and memorable conversations, as people are often willing to share personal stories when asked directly.

What is the 'compliment immunity meter' that Queenie Lee refers to in her speech?

The 'compliment immunity meter' is a concept that suggests some people have become immune to common compliments like 'beautiful' or 'nice' due to overuse, and thus, it's important to give unique and genuine compliments.

How does Queenie Lee describe the process of finding common ground with a stranger?

Queenie Lee describes it as finding the 'me too' moments, which are shared experiences or interests that can make the conversation easier and more engaging for both parties.

What is the importance of asking for an opinion in a conversation according to Queenie Lee?

Asking for an opinion is important because it validates the other person's thoughts, opens up a two-way communication, and allows you to learn more about the person.

Why does Queenie Lee emphasize the importance of being present during a conversation?

Being present is crucial because it shows respect and genuine interest in the other person, which can lead to a deeper and more meaningful connection.

What advice does Queenie Lee give regarding remembering details about people you meet?

Queenie Lee advises to remember and repeat details such as names, places, and personal interests, as this demonstrates investment in the person's well-being and encourages continued conversation.

How does Queenie Lee conclude her speech about conversations?

Queenie Lee concludes her speech by likening conversations to reading books, encouraging the audience to delve into the stories of others rather than just skimming the surface of human interaction.

Outlines

00:00

🗣️ The Power of Conversations

The speaker initiates the talk by questioning the audience's familiarity with their neighbors, emphasizing the importance of first conversations in forming relationships. Conversations are likened to metal links that strengthen over time. The speaker encourages the audience to engage with strangers, offering seven strategies to facilitate conversation. As a radio presenter, the speaker shares the challenge of connecting with an unseen audience of 1.6 million within a limited time frame, highlighting the need for effective communication.

05:03

💡 Breaking the Ice with Personal Questions

The speaker suggests skipping small talk and diving into personal questions to create memorable conversations quickly. By asking about someone's name origin, their first day in a city, or their family's location, one can elicit unique and personal responses. A humorous anecdote about a taxi driver illustrates how a simple question can lead to an unexpected and engaging conversation, emphasizing the potential richness of connecting with strangers.

10:04

🤝 Finding Common Ground and Giving Compliments

The speaker advises finding 'me too' moments to establish commonality and ease in conversations. Identifying shared experiences or preferences can create a sense of alliance. Additionally, offering unique and genuine compliments can leave a lasting impression and make the other person feel valued. The speaker shares a personal experience with a supermodel to illustrate the concept of 'compliment immunity' and the importance of crafting original compliments.

15:06

👁️ Active Listening and Remembering Details

The speaker stresses the importance of being present and actively listening during conversations, rather than preparing responses while the other person speaks. Making eye contact is highlighted as a powerful tool for connection. Furthermore, remembering and repeating personal details about individuals, such as their names, preferences, and experiences, demonstrates genuine interest and investment in the relationship, encouraging ongoing engagement.

📚 Embracing the Depth of Human Stories

In the concluding paragraph, the speaker likens conversations to reading books, with each person having a rich story to tell. They lament the reduction of human lives to brief social media posts and headlines, advocating for the appreciation of each individual's full narrative. The speaker invites the audience to choose to delve into these stories, encouraging a more profound and meaningful engagement with others.

Keywords

💡Conversation

Conversation is the act of engaging in dialogue with another person. In the video, it is presented as a fundamental human interaction, likened to forming metal links that strengthen over time. The theme of the video revolves around the importance and power of conversation in building relationships and understanding others, as well as its potential to shape our identities and experiences.

💡Perspective

Perspective refers to a particular way of considering or regarding something. The video emphasizes that conversations can offer new perspectives, suggesting that engaging with others can broaden one's understanding and viewpoints. This is exemplified when the speaker encourages the audience to talk to strangers to gain fresh insights and experiences.

💡Personal Question

A personal question is one that seeks to understand more about an individual's life, feelings, or experiences. The script advises skipping small talk and asking personal questions to make a conversation memorable and to quickly establish a connection with a stranger. This approach is illustrated through the speaker's taxi driver anecdote, where asking about his family led to a deep and engaging conversation.

💡Me Too

The 'me too' concept in the video refers to finding common ground with someone to facilitate conversation. It suggests that identifying shared experiences or opinions can make dialogue more comfortable and engaging. The video uses this term to illustrate the importance of seeking out similarities with strangers to build rapport and foster a sense of camaraderie.

💡Compliment

A compliment is a remark expressing praise or admiration. The video stresses the power of giving unique and genuine compliments to make others feel good and to create a positive atmosphere in a conversation. The speaker shares a personal experience with a supermodel to highlight the importance of avoiding generic compliments and instead offering ones that are memorable and heartfelt.

💡Opinion

Opinion in this context refers to a person's belief or judgment about something. The script encourages asking for someone's opinion as a way to open up a two-way communication and to learn more about the person. It is presented as a tool for initiating genuine dialogue and understanding different viewpoints, with the caveat to keep the questions simple and non-intimidating.

💡Presence

Presence denotes the state of being attentive and engaged in the current situation. The video emphasizes the importance of being present in a conversation, suggesting that it is essential for effective communication. The speaker uses humor to point out the importance of not being distracted and to truly listen and engage with the person you are conversing with.

💡Eye Contact

Eye contact is the act of looking at another person in the eyes during a conversation. The script highlights eye contact as a powerful tool in communication, suggesting that it can deepen the connection between conversational partners. The speaker humorously notes that maintaining eye contact can make the conversation more impactful and memorable.

💡Memory

Memory, in the context of the video, refers to the ability to recall and retain information about people and past interactions. The speaker advises remembering details about individuals, such as their names, preferences, and personal stories, as a way to show genuine interest and to build stronger relationships. This is exemplified by the importance placed on recalling and using a person's name in conversation.

💡Analogy

An analogy is a comparison between two things for the purpose of explanation or clarification. The video uses the analogy of a library full of books to describe the potential richness of human interactions, with each person being a unique story to be explored. This analogy encapsulates the video's message about the depth and value of engaging in conversation with others.

Highlights

Conversations are compared to links that strengthen over time, creating a 'World Wide Web of conversation'.

Conversations are described as adventures that can open doors, make war, make peace, and define humanity.

The importance of having the first conversation with strangers, who were once unknown to us.

The speaker's profession as a radio presenter involves having conversations with millions of unseen listeners.

The challenge of establishing a connection and leaving a smile on listeners' faces within a limited time frame.

The advice to overcome the fear of talking to strangers by simply initiating the conversation.

The concept of the 'first word floodgates' where the first word spoken leads to a natural flow of conversation.

Skipping small talk and asking personal questions to make a conversation memorable within 90 seconds on radio.

The value of finding common ground, or 'me too' moments, to facilitate easier conversation.

The power of paying unique and genuine compliments to make a person feel special.

Asking for opinions as a way to open up two-way communication and understand a person better.

The importance of being present and making eye contact during a conversation to show genuine interest.

The 'Name, place, animal, thing' technique for remembering and repeating personal details about others.

The analogy of a conversation being like reading a book, where each person is a rich story waiting to be discovered.

The speaker's critique of reducing human lives to short character limits and headlines, advocating for deeper engagement.

Encouraging the audience to take the opportunity to talk to strangers and discover their stories.

Transcripts

Transcriber: thu hang do Reviewer: Queenie Lee

Hello, everybody.

I'm going to start with a question.

How many of you know the person sitting next to you from before today?

Interesting.

So, do you remember the first conversation that you ever had with that person?

You know conversations are links.

Let's imagine every conversation to be a tiny metal link.

And every time you talk to a stranger,

a metal link is formed.

And every conversation that you have after that moment,

the link gets stronger and stronger.

And every day each one of us meets so many strangers:

the grocery guy, the cab guy

maybe the receptionist at a new office you went to.

And with every conversation we build new links.

Until finally at the end,

we've created a kind of massive World Wide Web of conversation.

World Wide Web.

It's a catchy word. I think I've heard that somewhere.

That's it, right? A conversation. It's a fascinating thing.

A conversation is an adventure.

A conversation gives you a whole new perspective.

A conversation opens a door.

Conversations can make war and conversations can make peace.

And conversations define who we are as a human race.

Think about this.

Every single person in your life was once a stranger to you.

And you knew nothing about them until you had that first conversation.

So I'm here today to tell you to talk to strangers,

to have a conversation.

And I'm here to tell you how.

Seven ways that you can make a conversation with almost anyone.

I'm a radio presenter

and I love talking to people.

I do. I love it.

And I'm so glad that I do it for a living.

Here's what my day is like.

Every single morning, I go into an empty room,

I put on a mic,

and I have a conversation with 1.6 million people ...

that I can't see.

Yeah.

You know what the hardest part is, though?

It's time.

In a four-hour show, I get 20 minutes.

That's all the talk there is.

And in 20 minutes I have to convince you that I am your best friend.

How do I do that?

How do I establish a connection?

I have 20 minutes to inform you, to excite you, to engage with you

but most importantly,

20 out of the 20 times that I switch on that mic,

I have to leave a smile on your face.

Except, I can't see you, I know nothing about you,

and I have no way of gauging your reactions.

How do you do it? How do you talk to a stranger?

Well, my nine years in radio have taught me these simple little tricks.

Strangers,

they are everywhere.

And we've always been told, "Don't talk to strangers!"

But I beg to differ.

Every stranger comes with an opportunity,

an opportunity to learn something new,

an opportunity to have an experience you've never had

or hear a story that you've never heard before.

And you've had that moment, right?

You're in the room with someone you don't know,

and you look across the room, you see a stranger, and you think,

"I want to talk to this person."

And you can almost hear the first word but it just won't come out,

it kind of gets stuck about here,

it kind of goes up and down

and you don't know -

You know what?

Here's my advice: just say it.

What's the worst that can happen?

They want to talk to you. Well, they're not talking to you now.

The first word floodgates.

I truly believe that the first word acts as a floodgate.

You know, once you said the first word everything else just flows.

So keep it simple.

A "Hi," a "Hey," a "Hello."

And do what every good bowler does.

Just gather the enthusiasm, the positivity, the energy,

put on a big smile and say, "Hi!"

I know. There's going to be that strange moment right now.

Turn to someone sitting next to you, stick your hand out and say hello.

Go on.

(Laughter)

I love the awkward laughter.

"Why is she making us do this?"

The first word floodgates.

You know, here's a challenge we face every day.

Time.

We have 90 seconds on radio,

and we have to make that conversation with a stranger memorable.

So how do you do it?

What's the biggest challenge?

Honestly,

if we get stuck in the rut of:

"Hi!" "Hey!"

"How are you?" "I'm fine."

"What's going on?" "Nothing much."

"Same old." "So tell me what's new?"

There you go, 45 seconds down, wasted.

Right?

So, here's my advice:

skip the small talk and ask a really personal question.

And don't be afraid.

Trust me.

You will be surprised how much people are willing to share if you just ask.

So ask any kind of personal question.

Maybe: Interesting name.

How did your parents think of it? Is there a story behind it?

Or ...

How long have you lived in this city?

And do you remember the first day you landed here?

Answers to those questions are always something unique,

always something personal.

My favorite one to try is:

Where do you come from? And where does your family live?

Unfailingly,

every single time I sit in a cab, I do this.

I ask that question.

Where do you come from? And where does your family live?

Let me tell you a little story.

I was coming home one night ...

I get into this taxi, open the door, sit down and I say,

"Where are you from? Where does your family live?"

And the 60-year-old Pakistani cab-driver goes on to tell me

all about his life in Peshawar.

We talked about politics,

we talked about music, family, wife, his farm.

And 20 minutes later he is convinced that I am the perfect bride

for his 26-year-old college-educated son from Peshawar.

(Laughter)

And as I'm getting out of the taxi,

he is taking out a passport-sized photograph with this look of enthusiasm.

I have to say, it was a very difficult goodbye.

But the moral of the story, really,

is what starts with a "Hello" can end with a marriage proposal.

And that is a warning.

(Laughter)

Step three.

Find the "me too"s.

Have you ever met someone

who starts a conversation like they're starting a debate?

"I am from Delhi." "I hate Delhi."

(Laughter)

Yeah? Nothing kills a conversation like a negative.

When you meet someone for the first time

make an effort to find the one thing

that you and that other person might have in common.

When you start at that point and then move outward from there,

you will find that all of a sudden the conversation becomes a lot easier.

And that's because both of you suddenly are on the same side of something.

And that's a really powerful feeling.

Now, what could you possibly have in common with a stranger you ask?

Could be anything, right?

You're both in the same place at the same time,

maybe you're from the same country,

maybe you both like the winter

or you're longing for it to rain.

I don't know, you'd find something.

When you find a "me too,"

you automatically have a kind of buy-in from the other person.

Trust me, that's helpful.

Pay a unique compliment.

I read somewhere that people will forget what you do,

and they'll forget what you say,

but they will never forget how you made them feel.

So be generous.

And go out and give someone a nice full compliment.

So, I have this belief about a "compliment immunity meter",

and it comes from this experience I had

when I met this gorgeous supermodel.

And I look at her and I say,

"Wow! You are beautiful!"

And there is no reaction on her face.

And I think to myself, "How?"

That's when I realized,

she is immune to the word "beautiful."

She's probably heard it a hundred thousand times today.

And if she's on social media,

she's heard it a million times today.

There are some words that each of us have developed an immunity to.

It could be "nice," it could be "awesome," it could be "cool" ...

Stay away from these.

Try and construct a compliment that's unique and genuine,

and you don't have to lie.

Really.

When you look at someone and say,

"I love how when you smile,

it's like your nose smiles, and then your eyes smile,

and your ears smile, even your forehead smiles

and suddenly, the whole person is just smiling."

You see,

I hope that's a compliment you're not going to forget for a while.

Pay a unique and genuine compliment.

Ask for an opinion.

All of us have opinions; trust me.

And we all want them to be heard

and everybody wants validation.

So go on and ask for an opinion,

and that's when you open up a two-way street.

That is when the real communication begins,

and you will be surprised how much you can pick up about a person

just by asking their opinion on something pretty generic.

Here's a mistake that some people make.

They ask your opinion about something really difficult.

It feels almost intimidating.

Somewhere in a room, full of very well-informed people,

and someone was to come up to me and say,

"So what do you think about the way

the oil prices have affected the real estate market in Dubai?"

I feel a bit cornered.

I feel like I might fail, and this is an examination,

and that's the lesson.

Nobody needs to fail at a first-time conversation.

Just ask something simple. Keep it generic.

How do you like your coffee?

When did you watch your last movie? What did you think of it?

And when somebody gives you their opinion:

really listen.

Don't listen to reply. Listen to listen.

There's a difference.

And that brings me to my next point.

Be present.

I know you've been through this.

I know I have.

You're pouring your heart out to someone,

and they are like this,

"Yeah, yeah, go on, keep talking.

I can multitask!

What's with Wi-Fi?"

(Laughter)

You know, when someone's trying to communicate with you,

the least you can do is really be in that conversation.

Just be wholeheartedly present,

just be there.

And - oh! - my favorite part: make eye contact.

Trust me, eye contact is where all the magic happens.

You can feel the conversation.

And trust me, when you are looking at someone in the eye,

nine out of ten times, they will not dare look away, right?

(Laughter)

Now, if only I could look into the eyes of 1.6 million people,

I would not have to worry about you guys tuning out during the ad breaks.

That brings me to this, my favorite point because I think it's got a catchy name.

Name, place, animal, thing.

You remember that game?

Remember the little details about a person.

Remember their name. It's so important.

It's awful when you meet someone for 18th time, and you say,

"You must be Paul, no Peter. Something with the P and it ends with ..."

It's terrible. Remember someone's name and say it back to them.

You have no idea how important you're making them feel,

and that's not the only detail.

Remember all the other details as well.

The places they like to go to, the places they've been to,

the places they want to go to, their pet's names.

How their pet's been feeling lately? The things they like.

Remember their children's names, that's such a winner.

Remember their wife's names, their girlfriend's names.

Just don't mix up the last two because that could be disastrous.

(Laughter)

Remember these little things about people and repeat it back to them,

ask be genuinely interested,

and automatically you kind of become an investor in their well-being,

so they'll feel responsible to you to keep that conversation going.

There we go.

Seven amazing ways that you can make conversation with anyone,

and seven reasons why you should use the break

that's going to come up to talk to a stranger that you don't know.

I'm going to end with this analogy.

A conversation is like reading a book.

You can turn to any page you want.

You can flip to your favorite chapter.

You can read as long as you want, and you can read what you want,

and every person, trust me, is a really good book.

And it saddens me so much

that entire human lives are being boiled down

to 140 characters and catchy headlines.

Because that's not what we are.

We are not abridged versions.

We are entire human stories.

We deserve more from each other.

So what are you going to do in this big world we call the library?

Are you going to walk around,

look at the hard bound copies and read the titles?

Or are you going to actually reach for a book,

open a page and start reading a story?

You decide.

Thank you.

(Applause)