Do you ONLY WANT SEX?: what women don't understand about their relationships

Summary

Dr. Orion Taraban's 'Cycax' episode tackles the misconception that men's sexual interest in relationships is superficial or degrading. He argues that sex is a primary and unique aspect of these relationships, and women should not feel objectified by it. Instead, he suggests that women can enhance their value by offering more than just sexual attraction, such as intelligence, humor, or emotional support, to create a more satisfying and balanced relationship.

Takeaways

• 😐 The script discusses the common question men face about their interest in sex during courtship and the negative implications it often carries.
• 🔍 It acknowledges that some women may feel objectified or reduced to their sexual value by men's sexual interest, which can lead to a defensive attitude.
• 💭 The speaker suggests that women may punish men's sexual interest as a way to assert control over the relationship or to seek more meaningful connection.
• 🚫 The script challenges the belief that men can get sex from any woman and emphasizes the importance of recognizing the unique value of each sexual relationship.
• 👍 It advocates for a sex-positive approach, arguing that men's interest in sex is natural and appropriate within a sexual relationship.
• 🍖 The script uses the metaphor of Tony Roma's restaurant to illustrate that just as people go there for ribs, men go to sexual relationships for sex.
• 🤔 It questions why women would be put off by a man's sexual interest, especially if they are already in a sexual relationship, comparing it to a restaurant being shamed for its specialty.
• 💡 The speaker encourages women to offer more than just sexual value if they want to be seen as more than sexual objects, suggesting they should bring unique qualities to the relationship.
• 💰 The script points out that men often take on more responsibility and risk in dating scenarios, and women should consider reciprocating or contributing in other ways.
• 🤝 It suggests that women should develop skills and virtues that provide positive relative value in comparison to the men they are interested in dating.
• 📈 The speaker concludes by advising women to embrace their unique strengths and the reality of sexual relationships, using marketing strategies as an analogy for attracting the right partners.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk in the provided transcript?

The main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk is the issue of men being questioned about their interest in sex during the courtship process and the implications of such questioning.

What tone does Dr. Taraban suggest is often associated with the question 'do you only want sex'?

Dr. Taraban suggests that the question 'do you only want sex' is often asked with a shaming tone, implying that wanting sex is somehow superficial, disgusting, or insulting.

According to the transcript, what is the implication of the question for the woman asking it?

The implication for the woman asking the question is that she feels objectified or reduced to a sexual object, and she wants to be seen and related to as something more than just a sexual partner.

What does Dr. Taraban believe is a misguided belief in the woman's experience?

Dr. Taraban believes that the misguided belief is the idea that men can get sex from any woman, and that sex is impersonal, when in reality, sexual relationships are one of the few socially acceptable places for men to express their sexual interests.

What is the 'Monopoly' analogy used by Dr. Taraban to describe sexual relationships?

The 'Monopoly' analogy is used to describe how sexual relationships have a kind of monopoly on sex, and if people can't get what they want in the monopoly, they might seek it elsewhere, in the 'black market' or shadow of the monopoly.

Why does Dr. Taraban suggest that women should not feel put off by a man's sexual interest?

Dr. Taraban suggests that women should not feel put off because it is entirely appropriate for men to express sexual interest in their sexual relationships, as it is one of the unique aspects of such relationships.

What is the 'Tony Roma's' metaphor used by Dr. Taraban to explain the expectations in a sexual relationship?

The 'Tony Roma's' metaphor is used to illustrate that just as people go to Tony Roma's for ribs, men go to their sexual relationships for sex, which is the main offering of such a relationship.

What does Dr. Taraban argue is the responsibility of women who want to be seen as more than just a sexual partner?

Dr. Taraban argues that it is the responsibility of women to demonstrate that they have more to offer than simply sex, such as being smarter, funnier, more charming, kinder, or offering emotional support.

What is the 'double bind' that Dr. Taraban mentions women face in sexual relationships?

The 'double bind' refers to the conflicting expectations where women are expected to advertise their availability as sexual partners while also upholding strict social mores about the sexual monopoly of relationships, and shaming men for expressing their sexual interest.

How does Dr. Taraban suggest women can play to their unique strengths in relationships?

Dr. Taraban suggests that women should develop their skills and virtues relative to the men they prefer to date and mate, or make peace with the fact that in sexual relationships, men are primarily interested in sex.

What advice does Dr. Taraban give regarding women's approach to men's sexual interest?

Dr. Taraban advises women to accept and not shame men's sexual interest and appetite, and to think about it in terms of marketing, guiding men to think about them when they want sex.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Misinterpretation of Men's Sexual Interest

Dr. Orion Taraban discusses the misconception that men's interest in sex is superficial or insulting to women. He clarifies that sex is a fundamental aspect of a sexual relationship and that it is appropriate for men to express enthusiasm for it. The paragraph addresses the idea that women may feel objectified by men's sexual interest, but Dr. Taraban argues that this is a reaction to societal norms and misunderstandings about the nature of sexual relationships. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing sex as a unique and essential component of these relationships.

05:01

🍖 The Tony Roma's Analogy: Understanding Sexual Relationships

In this section, Dr. Taraban uses the analogy of a restaurant known for its ribs, Tony Roma's, to explain the dynamics of sexual relationships. He suggests that just as people go to Tony Roma's for ribs, men seek sexual relationships for sex. The paragraph argues against the idea that it is inappropriate for men to express their sexual interest in a relationship, as it is the primary offering of such a relationship. Dr. Taraban also discusses the double bind women may create by both expecting men to be sexually interested and shaming them for it, which can degrade the quality of the relationship.

10:02

🚀 Beyond Sex: Demonstrating Additional Value in Relationships

Dr. Taraban shifts the focus to the importance of women providing more than just sexual value in a relationship. He challenges the notion that men can get sex from any woman and emphasizes the need for women to offer unique qualities that set them apart. The paragraph discusses the responsibilities and expectations in dating, where men often take the lead and bear the costs and risks. Dr. Taraban suggests that women should contribute to the relationship by being intellectually stimulating, emotionally supportive, or taking initiative in social interactions. He concludes by stating that it is easier for women to be seen as more than sexual partners with men of lower status, but this is not typically the type of partner they desire.

Keywords

💡Sex Positivity

Sex positivity is a perspective that encourages and validates the open discussion, acceptance, and expression of human sexuality as a natural and healthy part of life. In the video, Dr. Orion Taraban emphasizes the importance of being sex positive, arguing that it's appropriate for men to express their sexual interest in a relationship, as it is a significant aspect of their interaction with a partner.

💡Objectification

Objectification refers to the act of treating a person as an object or commodity, often reducing them to their physical attributes or sexual appeal. The script discusses how some women may feel objectified if they believe that a man's interest in them is solely based on sex, which can lead to a negative perception of the man's intentions.

💡Courtship

Courtship is the period of development towards an intimate relationship, often involving social activities and dating. The script mentions the courtship process as the context where men are often questioned about their interest in sex, highlighting the social dynamics that occur during the early stages of a relationship.

💡Sexual Relationship

A sexual relationship is a type of intimate relationship where sexual activity is a central component. The video emphasizes that sexual relationships are the socially acceptable context for men to express their sexual desires, and it is expected that they would have a keen interest in sex within such a relationship.

💡Double Bind

A double bind is a situation where a person faces two conflicting options or expectations, making it difficult to satisfy both without negative consequences. The script uses the term to describe the conflicting expectations placed on men in sexual relationships, where they are both expected to be sexually interested and shamed for being so.

💡Tony Roma's Ribs Metaphor

The Tony Roma's ribs metaphor is used in the script to illustrate the unique value proposition of a sexual relationship, likening a woman's sexual appeal to the ribs at Tony Roma's, which is what customers primarily seek. The metaphor is used to argue that it is natural for men to prioritize sex in a sexual relationship, just as customers prioritize ribs at a rib restaurant.

💡Value Proposition

A value proposition is a promise of value to be delivered, and it explains why a product or service is worth purchasing or engaging with. In the context of the video, Dr. Taraban suggests that women should consider what value they bring to a relationship beyond sex, as men are primarily seeking sexual fulfillment in a sexual relationship.

💡Initiative

Initiative refers to the ability to assess and initiate things independently. The script encourages women to take initiative in relationships, such as by planning dates or paying for outings, to demonstrate they offer more than just sexual value.

💡Social Mores

Social mores are the unwritten rules or norms that govern behavior in society. The video discusses how social mores can dictate the appropriateness of expressing sexual interest within a relationship, and how these norms can create a double bind for men.

💡Mating Strategy

A mating strategy refers to the behaviors and choices an individual makes in the pursuit of a long-term or short-term partner. The script suggests that shaming men for their sexual interest is not a successful mating strategy for women, as it can degrade the quality of the relationship.

💡Relative Value

Relative value is the worth of something compared to other things of the same kind. The video discusses the concept of relative value in the context of dating, where a woman's non-sexual attributes must be evaluated in relation to the man's own attributes to determine if she offers something unique or valuable beyond sex.

Highlights

The topic of the talk is the common question men face regarding their interest in sex, which is often framed negatively and shaming.

Dr. Orion Taraban discusses the misconception that wanting sex is superficial or insulting, and emphasizes a sex-positive approach.

Some women may feel that men's sexual interest is a distraction or objectification, which can be a reaction to men's intentions.

The talk explores the idea that women want to be seen as more than just a sexual object in a relationship.

Dr. Taraban challenges the belief that men can get sex from any woman and emphasizes the importance of sex in men's lives.

The speaker argues that it's appropriate for men to show interest in sex within sexual relationships, as it's a socially acceptable place for them.

The transcript highlights the unique value of sex in sexual relationships, as opposed to other aspects that can be found elsewhere.

Dr. Taraban uses the metaphor of Tony Roma's restaurant to explain why men prioritize sex in sexual relationships.

The talk addresses the double bind women face when they shame men for their sexual interest, which is both advertised and socially approved.

Dr. Taraban suggests that women who want to be seen as more than sexual objects should provide more than sexual value.

The speaker outlines the responsibilities and expectations in dating scenarios, where men often take the initiative and bear the costs.

Dr. Taraban encourages women to offer something unique beyond sex, such as intelligence, humor, or emotional support.

The talk discusses the relative value women must provide in comparison to the men they date, and the challenges that come with it.

Dr. Taraban suggests that it's easier for women to be seen as more than sexual partners with men of lower status, but this isn't always desirable.

The speaker advises women to develop their skills and virtues to stand out to the men they prefer, or accept the nature of sexual relationships.

Dr. Taraban concludes by emphasizing the importance of marketing oneself effectively in relationships, especially considering men's sexual interests.

Transcripts

I'm Dr Orion taraban and this is cycax

Better Living Through psychology and the

topic of today's short talk is

do you only want sex

so this is a question that men often

hear earlier in the courtship process it

usually occurs after the two have

initiated a sexual relationship and the

man expresses interest and enthusiasm in

having sex with a woman again and let's

be clear this isn't really an honest

question it generally has a shaming tone

to it as if wanting sex is somehow

superficial or disgusting or insulting

to the woman in question

it also implies that it's somehow

inappropriate to be focused on sex which

is not at all sex positive and we at

psych hacks are sex positive that said

for some women it can feel as though

straight men's interest in sex is some

kind of annoying distraction or a

degrading objectification

now to be fair this attitude can be a

reaction to let us say men's

heavy-handedness with respect to their

intention and I think I understand the

woman's experience here and feel free to

correct me if I'm wrong in the comments

below but the experience is something

like as a woman

I want to feel like there's more to me

than just the warm hole I can provide

which literally every woman can offer if

a man only wants sex well he can get sex

from any woman and I don't want to be

any woman so participating

enthusiastically in an activity that is

this impersonal and generalizable would

somehow diminish me as a person I want

to be seen and related to as something

more than a sexual object therefore

consciously or not I will punish men's

enthusiastic sexual interest in me so

that I can have the benefits I hope to

accrue from the relationship either

increasingly on my terms or more cheaply

now

to the extent that I got that right

there's nothing bad or wrong with that

sentiment inherently however there are a

few ideas there that are a bit misguided

and my goal here is to help women

understand this so that they can have

more satisfying relationships with the

men of their choosing

leaving aside the belief that men can

get sex from any woman they can't and

the belief that sex is somehow

impersonal it's not the real issue with

this line of thinking is a lack of

appreciation for the real essence of

sexual relationships

as you know sex is extremely important

to men and sexual relationships are the

one socially acceptable place where men

can get it

so it's actually entirely appropriate

that men bring explicit enthusiastic

interest in sex

to their sexual relationships

because where else are they supposed to

bring that interest

you have to understand that sexual

relationships have kind of a monopoly on

sex and if people can't get something

they want at the Monopoly they typically

don't surrender the necessity or the

desire they go find it on the black

market which is the shadow of the

Monopoly

now before I go any further if you're

liking what you're hearing then please

consider sending this episode to someone

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Word of Mouth referrals like this that

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and you can also hit the super thanks

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value you feel you derived from this

episode I appreciate your support

now to be completely real with you

ladies almost all the things that a

woman can potentially provide a man

he can get elsewhere except for sex and

motherhood

but we're going to focus on sex for

today sex is the thing that is unique to

the sexual relationship and so it kind

of makes sense that sex is going to be

of high priority with respect to that

relationship

women complaining that the men they're

seeing might only be interested in sex

is sort of like the chef at Tony Roma's

complaining that the people there only

seem to order ribs

the chef might be like well I I make

salads too I put a lot of love and care

into my salads why doesn't anyone order

my salads because it's Tony [ __ ]

Roma's it's the place for ribs

well why can't it be the place for ribs

and salads

well because that's terrible branding

and if Tony Roma's had the poor judgment

to actually pursue that marketing

strategy it would not work out well for

them people go to Tony Roma's because

they want ribs that's what the place is

known for and that's where they know

they can get them they can get salads

anywhere and in this metaphor a salad is

anything that I can get from a sexual

relationship that I could also get

elsewhere say from my friends or family

or colleagues or myself

men go to their sexual relationships for

sex for the same reason people go to

Tony Roma's for ribs what's on the menu

is in the [ __ ] name

and embracing this reality helps both

women and Tony Roma's prosper

so it doesn't quite make sense to me

that a woman might feel put off by a

man's sexual interest in her especially

if she's already in a sexual

relationship with him

can you imagine the waiter at Tony

Roma's condescendingly asking so you

only want ribs

it's not wise to shame your customers

if those patrons weren't interested in

ribs they wouldn't have come through

your door

and you can't get anything from a

customer who won't walk through your

door now can you

on the one hand advertising your

availability as a sexual partner and

upholding strict social mores about the

sexual Monopoly of sexual relationships

well on the other hand shaming and

degrading men who appropriately bring

their sexual interest where it is

advertised and socially approved

is an enormous double bind

it is unlikely to prove a successful

mating strategy for women and it will

likely degrade the quality of the

relationship

for any man unfortunate enough to stay

in one

this might be a bitter pill for some

women to swallow but I gotta keep it

real for you

if you want to be seen as more than just

a sexual object you need to provide more

than sexual value

if you were to go out with me

what would generally happen on the first

few dates well

I kind of set everything up I take the

initiative and ask you out so I'm

disproportionately assuming the risk and

the responsibility for both of us I

established the time the date the place

and I'm going to pay for everything on

the date I'm funny making you laugh

Charming making you feel engaged I'm

intelligent making you think and I'm

interested making you feel special

in this common dating scenario you just

basically have to show up

and without sex what exactly am I

getting out of this interaction where do

I get what I want

do you see so if you the woman want to

be seen as more than just a sexual

partner then be smarter than me and

teach me something I don't already know

or be funnier than me and make me laugh

or be more Charming than me and make me

feel something or be kinder than me and

offer me emotional support or if that's

too much to ask buy me a drink or take

some initiative so that I don't have to

be responsible for every last detail of

the interaction I already have plenty to

do and my time and resources are not

Limitless unpopular opinion but it's

your responsibility to demonstrate that

you have more to offer than simply sex

but if you're not funny

and you're not that smart

and you're not treating me to anything

and you're not taking initiative or

responsibility

and you're not particularly kind or

supportive well

what else is on the menu

that is a real honest question and you

need to think about that

and you have to understand that the

value proposition here is relative you

may think that you're funny and smart

and sugar and spice and everything nice

but are you funny and smart and what

have you relative to me

let's be honest the higher the value of

the ma'am you happen to be dating the

harder it will be for you to provide

positive relative value for instance if

I make significantly more than you it's

going to be harder for you to foot the

bill at the places I like to go

if I'm very intelligent it's going to be

increasingly difficult for you to tell

me something I don't already know

and if you're not that Charming I will

probably have to do the entertaining for

both of us

so what's the upshot that it's actually

easier for women to be perceived as more

than just a sexual partner with lower

status men

but those aren't the men they generally

want to sleep with

so women are kind of on the horns of a

dilemma either she has to really develop

her skills and virtues relative to the

men she would prefer to mate and date

or she has to kind of make peace with

the fact that when people go to Tony

Roma's they want to eat ribs

personally I think it makes a lot of

sense to play to your unique strengths

in fact I could teach women to get

pretty much any man that they want

but one of the ways that women really

shoot themselves in the collective foot

is not accepting men's sexual interest

and appetite

ladies you gotta think it about it in

terms of marketing

if you want ribs where do you think

about going

and if a particular man wants sex which

he will

where do you want him to think about

going

something to consider

what do you think does this fit with

your own experience let me know in the

comments below and if you've gotten this

far you might as well like this episode

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